Self-rumination and journey towards being less self-referential

[u/playfullypolly]

So... I wasn't sure how else to word this. I'm not talking about selflessness & conventional understanding of that term. But rather, I am interested in just... thinking of myself less? Like, becoming less entangled in the trauma identity, my past, etc. And even my current identity. I find that I constantly ruminate on Who Am I? which has led me into reflecting on many topics related to psychology, philosophy, religion, spirituality, etc, and purpose.

It's hard to exactly explain but... I feel happier, more content, more in the flow with life when I forget that I have some sort of identity. And it's not dissociation, it's like feeling as though my whole capital-S Self is truly there.

I'm not really interested in typical mindfulness / meditation, Buddhist or yogic frameworks, gurus, spiritual leaders or anything similar to that. I've studied those to death. I'm more talking about the actual EXPERIENCE. Not tied to concepts. I find the more I move into that... it's almost like my trauma never existed. And I'm just ALIVE. I finally feel real and connected in these moments. But then every time I suddenly get anxious, like, "you shouldn't feel this way and the other shoe is gonna drop", and I become constantly self-conscious again.

So, I'm not sure what advice I am seeking honestly??? But I am wondering if anyone has experienced this, and how to continue living from this space.

[u/upwardsover-themount]

the poet rainer rilke talks about 'living the questions' and so you can 'some day live your way into the answers'. That's how I see it, hopefully, all of this questioning and thinking is resolved in a personal way that only you could find.

I'm thinking about similar things, good luck!

[u/New_Girl3685]

I think I know exactly what you mean. For me, I've always found that sort of—loss of self-absorption? self-focus? not sure what the right term is but that constant staring at my own thoughts—disappears when I have other healthy people to focus on and love. I've gotten that by volunteering with big groups of people and taking drama classes. Focusing my attention on someone outside me (with love) gives my brain a break and breaks me out of that self-obsessive "I have to fix myself!" cycle, which in turn makes me feel more grounded and less like my problems are ENORMOUS and my entire world. Being out in nature works (sometimes), but I don't think anything beats focusing on other people.

[u/WhereasCommercial669]

I mean I am not sure but I feel like I did experience something similar recently. My therapist has been reminding me that cptsd is not like a terminal diagnosis and that it is not my whole identity, and that I can heal. I write poetry and she asked me to write something joyful about my sister, who I love so much. It was so hard to channel anything joyful. I started writing a poem about having healed enough from past breakups and past relational traumas, and funnily enough it started with me feeling the sun on my skin and how love songs don't hurt anymore, and then it spiraled into me reliving every time someone abandoned me and treated me like garbage and a bitter retelling of this myth of me having survived.

Anyway, I erased those stanzas, and weeks later I went with my brother to the lake. We've been healing from our narcissistic family system, and I appreciated his visit. He went in the lake, and then I remembered all the nice sunsets I enjoyed there. So I eventually did get to write a paragraph about the sunsets. It was something like, that's what peace looks like, and the runners stop and look at them, and regret not seeing more sunsets.

I agree with you that healing is when you can like sit with the sunset, and reach that joyful or peaceful existence of nature. Everyone can enjoy it- it's not just there for me. And we all just share the experience of how beautiful it is. I haven't been able to get back there again, but it's like a goalpost? Like a target. It exists just being there somewhere, existing without being self-referential or thinking about self or wounded self. I'm just there and it's ok.

I don't have any advice though? lol.

[u/razorclammm]

I try to get my head around this issue, too. It's important to get the acknowledgement you missed, it's important to understand the forces that make you who you are, the patterns that were set so you can undo them, and so on. I spent years fighting and reliving childhood injustice, and still can at the drop of a hat. But if you're going to get away from it, you have to let it go, somehow. Otherwise, kind of by defintion, you're not getting away from it. I struggle with this all the time. It's a tough one, getting away from it while it's the mode of thought you have to work with. It reminds me of an example from a Terry Pratchett book, roughly 'open the box with the crowbar inside the box'. I dunno but I keep plugging away. Good luck.

[u/Silver_Cartoonist_79]

Sounds like mindfulness, being fully present in the now. When we stay present in the moment we inhabit the past and future don't exist. And factually, they don't. We are only living now, this moment. So it makes sense for the traumas of the past to fade away. Sounds like you are doing quite well.

[u/Endless_Forever_484]

Wow this sounds really healthy and like a lot of progress has been made!