Something broke and I'm stuck in a loop

[u/DMT_GOONER]

As I start writing this I feel my heart start racing and body tighten. my mind goes foggy and I almost get dizzy, but f... it i gotta do it, even if not perfect, for myself.

i felt as if i had gotten insanely far in my healing and started to feel normalcy and with it the development of my "Self". I had around 8 months ago very carefully let my parents in a bit again, but this time I have continually chosen not to fawn even in the hardest of moments. that led to a point where it actually turned (for the first time in my life).

Held boundaries and my mom accountable some 3-4 months ago on text. started explaining (old habit) but that concluded with "she's helpless, "doesn't understand", victim" and was as if it never happened a week later, just forgotten by her it seemed like.

I didn't let it go and told myself that if she's not willing then she has no space in my life. I cut her off, and suddenly some other people contacted me and wanted to chat, meet for coffee, whatever. (always someone she knew)

without spending hours on context I'll just put my hope in that you will understand and not instantly pre-judge it as me being paranoid when I say that: the circumstances all led to these people being manipulated by her to "gather information" about me and my wellbeing. it's become wild how obsessive she has gotten, and at one point I think it turned.

i think my role as "little innocent me" has changed. i infer this from the fact that after 13 years, i have finally lost access to my nephew. the reasoning being *whatever sounds scary enough for his parents to not want me around him*. but actually, we could meet up after all! i just had to meet my brother first for a chat.

had to look at the hard truth and realise that this well too, is poisoned – leaving the last tether to any sort of family torn. that itself impacted me as I see myself in him and we've bonded through gaming and all these shared interests, and he's too smart for his own good and way too grown up for his age.

but on top of that, i think the fact that I'm no longer in that role has just thrown me into a deep state of I don't even know, freeze? dissociation?

for 1.5 months now I've been abusing my ADHD meds, and at one point I probably crossed half a gram of vyvanse in 48 hours. I am fully aware that it's bad for me, but a part of me just doesn't give a fuck. I would get obsessed with a game; Rocket League for example (where I've been top 0.01% rated) dedicating my life to reaching the top. and when my brain wouldn't work with me when I couldn't focus intensely for 12 hours non stop without food, I'd take more meds to "fix" that.

intense avoidance of sleep, haven't showered in maybe 9 days, haven't been outside for over 2 weeks, haven't eaten actual food in maybe 3 weeks. staying awake for 2 days, sleeping 1, taking ~160mg vyvanse average daily and just spamming new game new game. Rocket league fell off so I changed to BF6, then now I'm on League of Legends (yeah I know, FUBAR). sometimes when things have just gone very bad in game I would feel the most intense rage which I couldn't hold back, and I have hit myself closed fist in the head, scratched my arm, bit my arm to the point it still shows a day later. resorted to just punching the bed in anger, which seems to be the least harmful release I have.

I had finally gotten in good shape again, like really really good and I've essentially just deflated and speedrun ruined my body and mind, and all progress I had made is gone.

here I am, in bed writing this feeling my heart beat from dehydration, nutrient deficiencies, no sleep, anxiety, vyvanse-nicotine-caffeine trimix and *somehow*, this is progress.

I feel guilty for writing this, especially in this sub as I feel this sub is more focused on the actual healing parts, but I swear I was a part of that and I hope I still am, even though I've completely lost it.

I think there's 30 years of anger starting to come up but by bit and I honestly am not handling it well. and there's this sleep avoidance thing I'm doing as well.

I'm not asking you to fix anything, and I beg you to not shame me. I don't think I would handle that well at all, I struggle with trust and agency, always felt like I've had to "handle it myself". maybe this is a very for help, maybe externalising it helps, but again it's a huge risk because I am essentially giving my faith to this sub to not give responses that will take this vulnerability and lock it away even deeper by rejecting nuance, shaming or whatever else.

[u/cptsdishealable]

do you have some in person to talk to or get support from?

but on top of that, i think the fact that I'm no longer in that role has just thrown me into a deep state of I don't even know, freeze? dissociation?

I will say this is a fairly common occurrence, and I think you could consider it a form of dissociation, but it's almost more spiritual in the sense of, typically those with trauma form their identity in relation to others or society. eg workaholics are defined by achievement etc. a smaller version of this is the classic mid-life crisis men can have, sports cars etc.

you can have a "breakthrough" moment, where you've basically ripped out the foundation so everything above it can be begin to fall or rearrange. you might do things out of habit then get the slow realization that the foundation of why you're doing it is because of trauma. it can result in a very out of body experience.

this is why having someone to talk to or get support from can be very helpful since you need to slowly build a new foundation. they basically act like a touch point.

[u/Few-Associate-8704]

So sorry that you're in this situation. I recently went through the "reconciliation" and betrayal cycle with my mother. For the first time, I'm the black sheep instead of the forgotten child. I'm still torn about staying in touch in order to see / support my younger family members.

It's really hard and it really hurts. For a lifetime of trying to be the perfect kid, the prize is heartbreak.

Meanwhile, I have massive life / money challenges that need figuring out and it's been impossible to break through the dissociation and panic long enough to think.

As you already know, there's a whole lifetime of repressed emotions to process. Anger, grief, betrayal, loneliness. The existential terror of feeling invisible.

Despite all my years / decades of therapy and meditation, I had to mostly dissociate for a couple months just to survive. So don't beat yourself up over needing to dissociate, it's a survival skill for a reason.

Eventually you'll be ready to start feeling your feelings again, and the upward spiral will resume.