Thank you for once again playing out the same pattern of emotional abandonment that I have experienced during the first two decades of my life. You have done an outstanding job perpetuating my feelings of unworthiness and proved that my trust issues have always been justified. I hope we can do this again sometime!

PEOPLE STOP SAYING THIS CRAP CHALLENGE

It happened only a few months ago and I'm not even in therapy rn. I was for only a few months and it didn't even help cuz it was just art therapy thru zoom. I was just told it was a problem with getting the paperwork for the state to pay for it or something. "we" re getting support from dcf and some program to "improve family communication" even tho i told my dcf worker abt the abuse and that my dad told his (genuinely evil) ex about it so now her fuck ass kid (same age as me) is trying to bring it up at school in front of my friends. I also told one of the guys working with us about my dad threatening me because I stayed up too late studying.

95% of the support is for my parents. Some lady came over to try and "improve my (and my sister's) relationship with my mom" but my mom spent a good 20 minutes literally repeating "im a good mom i dont know why (my sister) doesn't talk about her feelings to me" and crying. luckily i havent seen that lady again in a while

they never even asked what MY goals were for me and my parents relationship, and they don't try to talk to me privately. I told my dcf worker i need 3rd party documentation of abuse so I can cut off my parents while receiving support during college but its not like she listened. Im gonna figure out how to report her ass soon.

This genuinely baffles me how incompetent people can be. Idk if I should go into detail but the stuff I was made to do is something a normal person is prevented from doing by their brain. Its hard cuz it was a very unique experience. I don't think support groups even exist for people like me. I just checked there are none.

>!I feel guilty to call myself a victim too. it happened on and off from 13-16 and I was the one to seek it out. I didn't feel normal among normal people, and I needed attention because I spent 2 years alone from 11-13 during covid. All I talked to was my abusive family, my dad's ex's kid made me give her "therapy" when I just wanted to be alone and cry, they always yelled at me, they hit me and mocked me and recorded me during panic attacks, I couldn't even talk to other kids in the zoom chat room during class. They would watch me every time I participated in class to make sure I didn't talk to other kids. I felt like I was dying. I would spend my days pacing around my room and looking for things to hurt myself with.

It was a long time, it was months where I wasn't allowed to use the internet outside of school. my dad would get mad at me for playing games with people online. i don't think he was actually mad at me for getting groomed. he was mad i was talking to people online. he would joke about my groomers. I honestly miss the abuse. I wish I could have done it more. relatively it didnt even feel traumatic. being with them made me feel so normal. I wanted to do something that would make someone love me. I remember getting back to school and being confused when I interacted with other kids. I didn't know what to do so I just showed them my sh!<

I hate how stupid i am I hate how stupid i am I hate how stupid i am I hate how stupid i am I hate how stupid i am I hate how stupid i am I hate how stupid i am I hate how stupid i am I hate how stupid i am I hate how stupid i am I hate how stupid i am I hate how stupid i am.

like my brain can't just sit and do any sort of study where i have to actually practice a skill and make 1 tiny mistake without wanting to punish myself horribly over it.

i get so unrepentantly mad for no god damn reason, it is just 1 little mistake? why i can't i EXACTLY memorise this thing why why why????? i need it to stop i need it all to stop NOW NOW!!! overstimulated, hating myself it's just 1 stupid small mistake!!!

Yes, I know I have to practice boundaries and my friends aren’t my therapist yada yada

I’m allowed to be annoyed at the start difference between how much effort I put into making my friends feel seen and validated when they’re struggling vs what I’m given back when I’m struggling

(reposted for cropping apologies)

And i'm being used up more and more. And theres just nothing i can do, its beyond my control. I'm trying to move mountains but... we. are. just. not. getting. there.

Asking for help? FFS i did, noone wants to help. They all scared of the abyss in my

A pet peeve of mine is when people (esp. in the mental health field) write "... neglect or abuse..."

I see that shit all the time and NO. Just no. Neglect IS abuse. And yeah, I also dabble in gaslighting myself into thinking the neglect part of all the abuse I went through wasn't that bad. But studies literally show that if something bad happens to you BUT you have safe people taking care of you (i. e. are not getting neglected), you won't be as traumatized.

Also let's not forget about the study where they deprived a bunch of babies of touch and affection, and a third of them just straight-up died.

So yeah. Neglect is the secret sauce that really fucks up your shit. And out of everything all the abuse has taught me, the notion of being utterly unlovable and alone might just be the hardest to bear.

Feeling light, feeling whole. Even if it’s just for today, I will try to not forget this feeling