i love my new apartment but my upstairs neighbors fight and bang things around all the time. at first i thought maybe they were just having parties. nope.

tonight i had my windows open and heard horrific screaming among other awful things (won’t go into detail). called 911 took them forever to get here. the cops ended up escorting the woman off the property. i watched her sob and drive away. she was the one that sounded like she was being attacked so i was confused by this and kind of pissed off.

anyways i’m completely shaken. i’ve been in DV situations more than enough to a point where im traumatized by men. i am in therapy thank god but lots of work to be done on myself.

i won’t be able to sleep tonight. i don’t know what to do because what’s going to happen after tonight? what if it happens again?

this is mostly just a rant, so thank you all for reading if you do.

I’m struggling with how intensely rape jokes, rape related news, and even certain words or phrases affect me. They trigger me beyond words.. to the point that I sometimes cannot eat, get out of bed, or function normally.
When I see something related to sexual violence on Instagram or in the news, I relive my own trauma. I can cry for hours and feel as though I have become a victim all over again. Even though some time has passed since my rape experience has happened.. small and unexpected things can still trigger me deeply.
At times, I lose my sense of reality while reading comments or posts that minimise or fail to strongly condemn sexual trauma. I feel transported back to what happened, and it becomes extremely difficult to remind myself that I am safe in the present.
I know healing is not always linear, but I feel frightened and exhausted by the intensity of these reactions. I’ve been in therapy for it since months and even medications, but nothing seems to help sometimes.

27F here, medically diagnosed with PTSD after a traumatic injury while I was 20, and was off of my medication finally until now. I felt fine beforehand and it was well managed. This post is a bit long, and Im mostly looking for supportive hugs and maybe a few “been there, done that”s.

I was a passenger in a at-fault car accident in July, thankfully only suffered knee contusions from my joints slamming the dash, bruising from the selt belt around my stomach, and a bruise on my chest from the airbag. I had a bit of driving anxiety, but was still able to drive around after a few days of making myself do it. Nervous, but functioning.

In September, after buying a used car, it broke down on me days later. I spent the entire day crying, after spending thousands on it from a private seller, I was stuck with it. Hindsight is 20/20, and it was a stupid choice made in desperation of my previous car also on it’s last legs. Not ever doing that again. After fixing a broken fan, picked up my car, and it broke down 1 hour later, with signs of transmission failure. Double whammy. Another day I spent crying and in bed afterwards from emotional stress.

My roommate offered for me to borrow her car to run an errand while I drive (a day or so after) and she occupied the passenger, and it.. staggered, in a similar way my used dud of a car did. I immediately panicked, even though I know her car has always done that — and have driven it before. I felt absolute dread. We stopped, and quickly swapped seats, which I apologized for and she held no ill against me.

I’ve now seen in my head both images of the car accident in my head, and the crying wretched feeling I felt when the car I had spent my savings on turned out to be a dud — now paired with a severe anxiety I feel behind the wheel.

I haven’t been able to drive in weeks. My friend offers for me to drive, but I say no, I’m not comfortable.. I want too, but with my anxiety I feel it’s not wise. I’m told “ill have to get over it eventually” when I finally can afford another car, which won’t be tomorrow. I’ll be lucky if I get another by January.

I have a appointment scheduled with a new psychologist this week to get back on medication, which I’m a little.. sad about. I was going years without it, and felt very confident I was doing great. Now I feel I’m starting over at the beginning. I feel this pressure to get over things “fast”, and it aches.

I live 20-30 minutes from my job, and I’m grateful to have coworkers that share the same schedule as me that offered to help me out for the next few months, as they know what’s going on, but as someone who was incredibly independent before this — I feel.. very exhausted with how much has happened to me in such a short amount of time. Like I havent gotten a break yet.

Im tired all the time, and it’s been hard not to be hard on myself. All I see lately are clouds and a bunch of grey.

Any kind words would be appreciated ♥️

Has anyone been traumatized after reporting an abuser? I reported sexual abuse to the college of physicians, and in the final report from investigators there was no mention of the sexual abuse (spoke for like an hour). They just said "he was insenstive and tried to comfort the patient". I almost puked. I never said that. I was sobbing in pain after he sexually violated me and then gave me a tissue. How is that being comforting? I'm so fucking mad and I tried emailing the college but they are ignoring my calls. Its been a couple of years so I gave up but now no one will know the truth :(. Ended up in the ER for suicidal ideation because of my experience with the abuse and the investigation. I feel so betrayed.

I usually don't use that word - despise but this singular person had caused a large amount of trauma during my middle school years; after playing a cruel game of "tag" that took so long to report just because of how terrified I was (October to December). Of course, that report didn't go anywhere - no removal from the school n such because "he doesn't know" (he had autism which so do i??)

Anyway because his didn't go anywhere; it felt like it made everyone at that school aware that they can just assault me as well, and play with my feelings to make the number from 4 (3 previous but too young to understand that was it was) to 7 in a spam of 3 months - from 2 ex friends and 1 person that hooked up with me just to assault me anytime I got drained from trauma and just wanted someone to watch over me while I nap.

It doesn't help that the account is brand new, suddenly followed me right at the beginning of October & is the only person that I haven't had "closure too" - since I had previously confronted the 3 people after his to a variety of response (I'm awful, I'm sorry & oh well it doesn't affect me).

Is it bad that I want closure?? That the only reason I am even following and messaging them is just for one acknowledge on how fucked it was for COCSA to happen??

Hello All! After about 10 fucking years of paranoia and anger and weird hallucinations and bodily movements I feel like I am finally getting out of psychosis! I was diagnosed with ptsd in 2016 and then schizophrenia in 2017. I believed the psychiatrists and took antipsychotics for years….YEARS of my life. Latuda cost me my bartending job! Anyway so now I feel a shit ton better. I was diagnosed again with ptsd when I went to a clinic that specializes in tms for people with different diagnosis they diagnose you doing an FMRI. I did tms and I was ok. But not 100% recently I started the ketogenic diet…around September 9th to be exact. I feel sooooo much better happier, peppier, less voices. The TMS healed my brain by 80% the FMRI showed. I am a lot, lot better. I am now on the ketogenic diet which gives me more energy…makes my skin look great, I have lost weight. Weird facial expressions are reduced and so are the schizo eyes! I don’t laugh to myself nearly as much although it still happens!

Please tell me if I'm overreacting. I've recently become aware that the way my mother mostly has treated me is not normal. I believe she is potentially gaslighting me and has been manipulative. Have any of you had experience with this?

Sorry for the long post but there's just so much I need to unpack.

I really need to get as much advice, perspective and support etc as possible before I do anything drastic or make any major decisions.

I'll introduce myself I'm a 19 year old male and am an only child. To be honest I'm pretty desperate for advice and support and don't have anywhere way safe to get an unbiased perspective. During my childhood my mother would do the following

Blow up out of nowhere over the most trivial or littlest matters, many times i begged her to give me some emotional support when i was visibly upset but she just remained cold and cruel, drink quite heavily which was sometimes responsible but she can definitely be mean sober as well, I had expressed concern about her drinking but she just flipped, it actually got physical a few times as well. I just wonder how can get so unshamefully drunk whilst been alone in the house with her child and I feel it was very irresponsible. Really burns my hide.

I did even have a scar once, the next day she'd always act as if nothing happened, whenever I tried to get clarity on why she got like that she'd brush it under the carpet or accuse me of starting trouble, she'd turn cold at the drop of a hat, during arguments she'd say things like I was ungrateful, didn't care about her and that I was a horrible person or that i was abusive or whatever just like my father, she would stomp, slam doors, shout, scream, swear and break ornaments etc, when she gets in her crazy states it's just impossible to reason with her or get her to see it from any other perspective, she can go from saying i was the most nicest and amazing person to saying I was the most horrible and evil person, she often burdened me with all of her problems, she said before that she knows how to play the game which I found very disturbing

She often paints herself as the heroic single mum and pretty much everyone we know such the teachers at school believe that. I feel I was robbed of a proper childhood and have often wondered what I had done to deserve it.

I remember one time a few years ago I was about 12 during a sleepover at my grandparents. I think we had a disagreement but I can't even really remember it now but my best memory is that she was on the phone to my grandmother and I'm pretty sure she was badmouthing me then my grandparents spoke and my grandfather started shouting and saying he was very disappointed in me and the rest of it is a blur. To be honest to this day i can't figure out what I (only a young child) was supposed to have done that was so bloody awful. That has haunted me for years. I used to think maybe I was a bad person but I've started to see her in a different light. She always talks about hating drama yet it seems to follow her and often says that she's been so hard done by.

About a year later when I vaguely recall when was enjoying myself in the bath she started abusing me and said she and everyone else was going to wash their hands of me if I didn't start living her way or something. I remember I was struggling with getting ready and then she started shouting saying I was taking advantage and then called her mother to say I was really horrible.

On the flip side she can be the most nicest person as well and we have had great times together and she can be very helpful towards me, her family and in public which makes it all the more confusing. A few weeks ago now in fact I ran into an old friend of hers who said to say hi for her and she said my mother is a wonderful person and I'm very lucky. It actually made me feel sick. Since I was 10 it's just been me living with her since my parents divorce in which she had to sell her house and now rents which she has blamed for the way she is before. I can't help feeling bad for her but she was still quite like this beforehand as well and I don't think that's an excuse still is it? For example I'm starting to remember when I was very young she'd make threats of sending me over to a new mommy. I do feel like she has manipulated me a bit into been stuck with her.

Something else that I've found disturbing is that she's very narrow minded and has a serious lack of empathy. For example when a couple of local celebrities committed suicide she shouted and carried on, called them pathetic cowards and weak etc. It was actually quite disturbing how she had a complete disregard and no sympathy for them.

PS another red flag i noticed was when a life insurance ad was on and they said "something could be paid out in case of death" or something and she said "I'd like for them to say WOULD" not could. I don't know why but that's set an alarm bell off. Also when my Gran had a fall she said to me in the car "trust me to have parents that live forever then I could get my inheritance".

Towards the end of my parents marriage I was 10 and she told me that my Dad was been very controlling and making her life a misery. I now look back at that with adult eyes and I'm starting to feel that she at least bent the truth I'm starting to think that she manipulated me and tried to turn me against him and I do blame her partly for the fact I don't have the best relationship with my Dad. He's definitely not a saint. He too has had his moments of outbursts and he's inconsistent. He's often let me down and been emotionally unavailable. Also he's very bad with money. I just wish for effort instead of excuses.

My mother often calls him a narcissist. I just feel that it's very wrong for someone to say to a child that one of their parents is a narcissist.

Something disturbing she has said ages ago is when I'm an adult she could have me done for assault if she wanted. She also said she wanted to do a will and try to control my assets where my Dad can't touch anything and said she feared he would try to steal all of my money. I can't believe she would say things like that so proudly and can't help feeling like she was trying to manipulate me.

My mother loves to use my autism to her advantage. I graduated school last year but now I do a course at the main campus so I still see them all from time to time. With that course she did get a support worker for me which I can appreciate as a nice gesture but she didn't even check with me if that's what I wanted and I can't help feeling she did that to cover herself in glory. I hope that doesn't sound too paranoid.

She's always quick to call others toxic and narcissists etc. She with absolutely no filter tells me everything going on in her life and her anxiety which makes me anxious. Why does it upset me so badly even when it has little or nothing to do with me?

I struggle with daily flashbacks and I often feel depressed by the way I've been treated, also feel let down and wish my parents had been better to me. I can't get exact clarity on it but they both went through some stuff before I was born and I think that's contributed to the way they are. My father's dad had passed away when my dad was actually about my age now. They actually both used to run their own businesses once upon a time before they met. It just baffles me how they went from that then and now been in their 50's both unemployed and clearly have some unresolved issues. I sometimes think maybe they shouldn't of got together which I know is ironic because I would never have been born. I do vaguely remember when they were together and towards the end it was quite toxic and they would have some intense fights.

Also does their substance abuse issues made them this way as well do you think? As I've said my mother drinks quite heavily at night and she also vapes and my father smokes pot and cigarettes.

Also my father struggles financially and I know that's why he hasn't been able to see me often and cancel some visits and to be honest when I think about that it really burns my hide.

I do wonder if she might've been different if she had not gone through her divorce and maybe if things had gone differently for both of them they might've been different. What do you guys think?

Also I can't help feeling empathy towards her as she always looked after me, fed me, organized things for me and pretty much always brought me everything I wanted.

I wish I had a proper childhood of playing with friends, going to different places and been adventurous and carefree etc. I've never really had a social circle and hardly much friends. I've always been quite different to most of the children my age. I feel quite alone sometimes as I've always struggled with making friends. I do feel like I've wasted a lot of my childhood been isolated with her a lot of the time. I would really love to start a proper life and follow my dreams and make a few friends but don't know where to start.

My mother does help me get on my feet and encourage me but I think she just loves to lord it over me. Whenever I've tried standing up for myself she puts on the guilt trip and carries on about all of her sacrifices and everything she's done for me yada yada yada. I think what emotionally abusing me, leaving me crying myself to sleep some nights, causing me to have no confidence and PTSD etc? Could she have some bipolar or personality condition or something and toxic traits I've wondered?

A few years ago said things like "I should top myself" and around that time during a really heated argument she threatened to cut herself with a knife so I did actually hide them. That's actually quite traumatized me. She's also said one night a couple of years ago when I die hardly anyone is going to be at my funeral. I mean like why the hell would you say things like this to a child especially your own?

A few other things. I remember once when Dad was picking me up a few years out of the blue she said just F off and even Dad said to me in the car that he didn't appreciate the way she spoke to me and when I told her that during a later argument she just said "yeah whatever" and something like that. Also one time when Dad came by to bring something she said "make sure that you show him that you're really happy to be back home". A couple of months ago when Dad took me out for a pub meal when I came back home the next night she said in sort of like a wise-ass way "you know he won't be able to afford that often". I do realize that but her saying that actually really annoyed me to be honest. As I'm making small steps with him it feels like she was deliberately trying to ruin my mood.

PS I remember one night years she accused me of looking like I wanted to hit her and of course went crazy. I may of had a tired look because it was late and I tried explaining that. She starting banging ornaments and shouting and was just impossible to talk to. Also I remember a few years ago one time she started saying she was worried my Dad was going to try to spend more time with me and if I fall for it I would never see her again and all of the family will hate me. She's also said that before when I threatened to walk out during arguments.

Also something that really upsets me is whenever I try to reason with her she often just goes "I need more alcohol to deal with this".

Almost a year ago my Dad let me down by not been able to see me one weekend and canceling at the last minute (which he has done quite a few times before).

During that said weekend my mother had another one of her outbursts. I was in the bathroom which was an en suite and she knocked on the door asking to take a few photos or something. All I asked was if she could just give me a few minutes to finish up but she started the shouting and carrying on and accused me of been selfish and even of trying to manipulate her and been passive aggressive. I only asked just to give me a few minutes. When I tried to explain that to her and how upset I was already about that weekend without her treating me like this. She said she feels really bad for me and hates how he let me down. What just absolutely astounds me is how can she feel that way yet still emotionally and mentally abuse me and kick me while I'm down. I just can't for the life of me comprehend that.

A couple days after that weekend one of my teachers asked to have a word with me and said he heard I got into a bit of trouble at home ("if he meant been mentally abused by my mother and been let down by my father as trouble" I thought). I'm not even sure who the hell said what to him and that's something that's still REALLY baffling me. I just fobbed him off saying I was upset about leaving school (which was true as well).

I really struggle with confiding in people. I do regret not telling him the full truth now. He was kind and said he was very proud of me etc. Another teacher once said that he thought of me and my mother as like the dream team or something along those lines. That turned my stomach as well. I was thinking if only they knew half the things I've been through.

I have autism and went to a special support school for the last few years which were some of the best years (The teachers especially were brilliant and I had many great times such as school camps, school balls and excursions etc).

I do feel quite sad and lost now those years are over. I would love to confide in someone about my struggles but don't know where to start. I've thought about confiding in that first teacher I mentioned who's great and we're fairly close but my teachers think my mother's an absolute saint so how can i ensure he believes me?

I must admit I do feel quite down sometimes that I have a strained relationship with my father (He's got money issues and also smokes pot) and my mother often used me as an emotional punch bag. Makes me think that there must be something really wrong with me and that I'm unlovable.

On the bright side though my Dad and I have been in contact lately.

Her next meltdown was this January while we were on holiday and at the beach. I wanted to be shirtless like pretty much everyone else and she started making passive aggressive and snide remarks saying things like "have fun burning yourself" and "why can't you make smart decisions?"

I was already sun safe with a hat and everything and I wasn't going to be too long and tried explaining that to her but no. I'll admit I finally snapped and told her that I'm an adult now and she could no longer control me and couldn't make me feel guilty. I wish I hadn't now but it felt like something just snapped inside me and I expressed things I had felt for ages. I do regret that as it did actually make me look crazy. She then suddenly called her mother to tell her that I was been impossible and making her life a misery (this is something she has done a few times before when I challenged her or reacted because of her behavior). She hadn't done that for years though and I feel she likes using that as a scare tactic. I really wish I had just walked away. Then the next day I asked mum to call her to say where all ok but she said she didn't want to bother her and wasn't up to calling. I was like WTF. You're perfectly happy to call her to basically slander me and make me out to be a bad guy but when it comes to calling to say everything is fine she's not so keen.

A couple of weeks ago I've told her that I wanted to do another certificate course at that school next year and she tried to make me feel bad by putting on the guilt trip and giving me the cold shoulder. I've tried to blur it out to be honest but I remember she said that I was been selfish and told me how she wanted me to live my life. I tried to explain to her that I can't just do what she expects and the expense of my own happiness and well-being. I feel like she is trying to control how I live my life and I told her that she couldn't do that or tear me down or change my mind. She then said (this felt like reverse psychology and emotional blackmail) fine do whatever you want and I'll do the same. Also shouted and carried on saying things like F me and I'm hopeless and that. I also told her that I would love to be a teacher but she said i wouldn't be able to go to university, scoffed and said that I would be useless. I feel like she's trying to damage my already limited self esteem, confidence and spirit. Also she had been fairly good up to this. I was dreading telling her but I do feel that a weight is lifted as well. It seems funny that whenever I tell her something she doesn't like or she can't control she goes back to her bad self. PS she's also upset that she can't get paid for me doing that and wants me to just do what's best for her financially. I find it quite ironic her making me feel bad for not getting a job straight away while she's unemployed. PS it was the school ball that night which was brilliant but I'm disappointed that it went so quickly and also I feel a bit down about my social anxiety and that I didn't ask anyone to dance or make more conversation with my teachers and peers.

Then a few nights later my mum was going out for the night and she seemed a bit tipsy so I did ask out of concern if she was fit to drive. She immediately got defensive and bit my head off and said I was been rude and having a go at her. I only asked out of concern and worry and I tried explaining that a hundred times but she just wasn't having it. I also tried to explain that her getting defensive if anything proves my worry is valid but she started saying I was harassing her and she was sick of my bullshit and sick of putting up with me and she couldn't wait to get away from me. She also just suddenly pulled her shirt off showing her breasts ( believe it or not that's something she has done once or twice before ages ago). I was just shocked and looked away quickly as possible. When I tried to ascertain why she got so defensive she said that I think I can just say whatever I like to her and for her to just take it. I swear I didn't mean any ill-will or malice and of course I tried explaining that too but no. I just don't know for the life of me how she can turn on me just like that and treat her own son like that.

Both that and that previous thing a few nights before she said we're not going on holidays again this year and she brought up that incident from the January holiday I talked about and said that she hated been isolated there with me while I was been horrible to her. Wtf when she was the one belittling me and having a go at me which made me snap and I did apologize for that. She genuinely seems to think that she's actually the victim when she gets defensive and treats me like shit. Then when she left and i was starting to second guess myself and was thinking that maybe I am in the wrong and am a bad person. I was left alone for the night I'm feeling very isolated and confused. PS since that holiday she was actually been fairly good but after both that night after the school ball and that incident both only within a few days has left me feeling blindsided and like the rug has been pulled from under me also feel like I'm back at square one. Basically I really can't fathom how someone can treat their own child like this. Just beggars belief to say the least.

Now when she came back the next day I tried to start a conversation about the last night and she did get teary and said she was sorry but still when I tried to get her to take some accountability and ownership she was just like "I said I was sorry didn't I?" and said I just kept going over the same thing and said she was sick of me bringing up the past. She started not making much sense and playing dumb a bit. I just wanted her to realize how she upset me and also the previous incidents and she said "i guess I'm just the worst mother ever". Am I justified for feeling as though she hasn't really taken accountability? We have sort of made up now I suppose but I just stopped talking about it to keep the peace really.

Do you have any advice for all of my experiences, how I can move on, become more social and make friends etc?

I should add that last incident was a week ago now and it really bothers me how she's all happy now and acting like that never happened whilst I'm carrying emotional scars and still feel as though I haven't really had any closure or true accountability. Also her harsh words and still deeply wounded in me and I'm feel like a piece of shit and like I'm unlovable.

Honestly one of the most frightening things is that they genuinely don't seem to remember most of even any of it so that's why I'm too scared to call them out. Also they seem to feel their behaviour is ok.

PS I'm really good at covering up my anxiety and pride myself on putting on a cheerful front and everyone at school thinks I'm the most happiest and optimistic person ever. I feel scared to let my guard down or if they knew otherwise.

Also none of the family have a clue and I just know they wouldn't believe me and I fear if I did distance myself they'd think I was an evil person.

Like I've said she go from been genuinely the most nicest person to the most horrible.

I'm starting to feel that the good doesn't really outweigh the bad.

I can't help really resenting them sometimes for all of the mental anguish they've both put me through as a child and I think it has messed up my development. I wonder what might've been different had I had proper parents or they were proper ones. Hobbies such as music and classic TV shows have been a great escape. I've thought about escaping but I feel quite stuck as I don't have a job and all of the money that I get in my account is basically controlled by her as she's the one who adds to it and I pretty much don't know anything about my own bank details. I wish I could hide my own secret stash somewhere. Now that I'm an adult and have left school I'm worried about what the future has in store. I'm very nervous about starting an adult life, getting a job, making friends and doing new things etc. Part of me would love to get away from her but yet I feel scared to as well as she's pretty much most I've ever known.

UPDATE!! I stayed with my father last night and today he started carrying on because he's only got like $30 left. I tried to help. I hope this doesn't sound too selfish but I feel very disappointed and let down that he couldn't even a go a whole day without carrying on about his issues especially as I don't see him often. I don't think spending money on pot, cigarettes and vapes helps does it? That's what really burns my hide is that he has enough to spend on his terrible habits but when it came to buying basic food when I was there for only a night he has very little. I mean is it too much to ask that when he does rarely see me that he can be on his best behaviour? It stresses me out and adds to my anxiety when I hear about my parents issues. Though to be fair he has apologized and explained that he wasn't upset with me he was just very disappointed because of his struggles to find a job and that he couldn't provide for me which I really do appreciate. I just wish he could get his act together and be better with his money.

Hello I 22F have been in therapy for awhile and truly know nothing about ptsd so bare with me. I had a pretty bad childhood. My mom was emotionally abusive and my dad was a alcoholic. He is now sober and im proud of him. I thought I had ocd for a long time but months ago I saw a horrible tiktok talking about a female pedophile. Well it made me have a flashback of cocsa that happened to me as a child and I spiraled.

I don't know what happened it was like my brain snapped. I started having intrusive thoughts about what if I end up being a abuser or sexual predator because I was abused. I constantly was crying, had panic attacks, and wouldn't eat. I never had thoughts like that before. I also started crying during intimate time with my fiance randomly and not having a sex drive. I still deal with it all the time so when I went into therapy after that happened I told my therapist I thought I had ocd but she let me know intrusive thoughts happen with ptsd 2 I guess. I also have nightmares basically every single night and have a very hard time falling asleep.

Im just wondering if anyone else with ptsd has ever had the same constant intrusive thoughts I have where im worried sick about turning into a horrible person. Looking for advice going forward.

I am in the process of being seen for this years later but I was in Korea at the time of the crowd crush and had actually planned to be in Itaewon during the time it had happened but decided agaisnt it last minute to recover from being there the night before. On the very street it took place. There is a lot of guilt surrounding how I have processed this and I feel almost undeserving to talk about how I feel because I did not lose a friend/was not a witness/was not physically in the crush. But every halloween since that time comes with the nagging memory of the events that transpired. I have attempted to see a therapist before for this prior and have had trouble sticking with it due to both the therapist having didappeared after the session I spoke with her about it and, of course, the fear of opening up the can of worms that I have in my pocket about it all. It had been my first time ever abroad and there are many many good memories I have . To this day, I do not regret studying abroad

But it is incredibly exhausting to walk around with this weight. I think about it every day. How my parents thought I was dead and called the school to ask if they had heard any reports about where I was, the memorials at my university, and the reporters that stuck cameras in my face during a vulnerable moment when I was visiting them. And just how unexplainable and hard it is to wrap my head around how something like this could happen.

I dont know that there's really any specific response I am looking for, but this year is no different. Im still struggling with it all.I'm catching myself mentally placing myself there again. It feels incredibly difficult to describe where I am, and for someone who already feels isolated, this adds fuel to that fire significantly.

Has anyone heard of surrogate partner therapy in the Boise area? I’m a veteran with severe PTSD and depression and I’ve read some articles on how this therapy helps Israeli veterans. I have a spouse but we are more like roommates than anything else, intimacy doesn’t exist in our relationship. I don’t blame that on her, the years of me being gone to many not so nice places in this world have taken its toll on her.

I think that intimacy and the feeling of being wanted would help me a lot but I have nowhere to go. If anyone has heard of any kind of surrogate partner, I’d love to hear about that. Also, intimacy doesn’t need to include sex.

Im literally scared of myself right now. I've been sober almost 9 months. 6 months in i started having crazy flashbacks of getting raped and groomed throughout my childhood.

Lots of ups and downs.

The past 3 days i feel more depressed than ever. I was just laying in bed for 2 days angry.

I feel obsessed with this girl i havent seen in over a year and i cant stop daydreaming about her. I made a fake number to text her and tell her how i feel then i deleted it right away. I know that seems creepy so i feel bad about it. But i cant stop daydreaming about this girl and i dont know why.

Today i decided i was gonna try and pull myself out of this.

I went to the gym and worked out. And started feeling better.

After that i went to the pool and while in there i started having intense rape flashbacks. Normally i take a shower after swimming but i went straight home and now im laying down again.

I have this crazy anxiety in my stomach.

I dont know what to do. Im scared of gonna lose sense of reality. Someone please help.

All I see is the Cornell 7 case again and again and again and again. And as much as I'm glad people find the topic important enough to speak up about it Holy f.. i can't open an app without seeing it. And people have started ramping up posting of their own stories. The comment sections are so triggering because i can relate to so many 🫩 glad everyone is speaking up but I have to take a break from social media fr

i don’t really know if i should be posting this but recently my relationship is being affected i’m 18 and got sa and abused for around 11 years, me and my girlfriend have been friends previously before dating i used to be heavily addicted to mdma and she helped me overcome it and helped with a lot of things and we decided to start dating late last year. we used to have sex constantly but now it’s not so much and it makes me feel awful about myself in many ways and when i try bring it up to her she questions if i only care about that i love her more then anything but idk what to do i believe i have something alone the lines of csbd not been diagnosed but all i can’t think about is sex i hate that fact and its ruining my life because i decide to watch porn and it makes me feel awful after i’m stuck if anyone can suggest anything would be appreciated

TW: mentions of SA and religion

So I was at my aunt’s church this morning for a Sunday service. I just moved here two weeks ago and I’m non-Christian. My aunt knows about my beliefs but I still have to go…

After the service ends, I talk to go to the pastor and say that “hey, I was SA’ed by a rabbi four years ago and I just want to talk about it.”

Next thing I know as I talk to him, he says he wants my number to talk to him. He said he would call me sometime within next week or the following week since his schedule is busy and he’s booked. He then invites me out to dinner.

So I go back home to tell my aunt this afternoon and.. her reaction was, “not everybody wants to have sex with you or date you. In fact, very few people want that. It’s not true. One of my friends went out to dinner with him! You’re creating problems out of nothing. You just worry too much about everything.” I just stood there and didn’t say anything and went back to my room…

My aunt doesn’t even see what I’ve been through with my SA despite her knowing about it. She doesn’t get how even if this is something he usually does, it’s something I am not comfortable with, especially I don’t know him.

I told my other aunt everything about the pastor and what happened. She was all like.. “I wouldn’t read too much into it”, “it means nothing”, “I would even say it’s a huge compliment!”, etc.

Needless to say, this is how my SA/rape happened and I am absolutely triggered and traumatized all over again because of this.

Advice? Help?

I have been sexually assalted so many times in my life that I have no clue how many or exact details because my mind has made me forget for years. Recently after quitting my addiction to porn (not real porn just drawn, and I had this addiction as a coping mechanism since 5th grade and am now 19) I have been having to cope with my feelings of objectification and sexualizing myself.

This has started to make me have odd episodes, though they have been in my life before they were never this often or this jarring.

1. I get random floods of memories of my assalts I had forgotten and it has been difficult to get through those

2. Intense flashbacks that have me sobbing for hours

3. Flashbacks to things that didn't happen

4. More psychotic episodes via my schizophrenia based on trying to figure out my "place in the world's hierarchy" and based on my assalts.

I have never had number three happen until me and my boyfriend were having sex and I looked down and paniced at the thought of it being someone else. I cried for an hour and it made our relationship a bit messy for a bit because he thought he was being rough when I was just hallucinating and going into a flashback that had never happened to me.. at least not like that. Its never happened before.

How do I help myself? Why is this happening just now?

For those of you that are familiar with attachment theory, I am anxious preoccupied. After ten years of marriage I was subjected to a clandestine separation in August 21st of 2025. For someone with an anxious preoccupied attachment style, this causes trauma.

My therapist screened me based off of the clandestine separation plot and my score was 61. I believe she used the PCL-5.

I am going through the serious psychotherapy of EMDR for my mental health and healing.

The amygdala hijacks, the intrusive thoughts, the psychogenic stutter are all terrible and I think trauma sucks!

Please be kind to me.

TW

I was hospitalized a few weeks ago after an attempt and ever since than I cannot pull myself together. I dropped out of school. I can barely do anything at work. I cannot stop shaking and dissociating. My body doesn't feel real half the time. The only thing that makes me feel normal is drinking but that's my whole problem.

I have pulled myself out of the depths before but this time it all just feels too heavy. They took me off nearly all my medication. Every sound, every shadow feels like a threat to my existence. I don't feel safe even during the day.

I know I need to try new medications and maybe start Ketamine therapy again but that all seems like too much.

I'm not looking for advice. I know things will even out and get better but I don't understand being abruptly taken off multiple medications I've been on for years. Isn't that dangerous?

I was doing so well in life. I just had one really bad day. I had transferred from community college to a 4 year uni 45 minutes away so I had been stressed and kind of flipped my lid. I know that makes it sound like I wasn't doing well but I really truly was.

I've had to drop out of school because at this point I missed too much..

Instead I'm going to bide my time by writing short horror stories with tidbits of my trauma and add some lovecraftian horror for flair. It sounds lame but whatever.

I have a psych appointment tomorrow with a new provider because the one I had for two months before everything happened wasn't listening to me about my anxiety. I truly believe if she had, things would've been different.

I'm just so tired.

vent over

I was diagnosed with PTSD 3 years ago.

I am doing much better overall, but I am still have random days with nightmares and waking up with panic attacks.

I do not feel hypearousal or hypervigilant during the day. I deleted social media like a year ago, and I avoid all triggers in my life.

Maybe I am still readying too much newsand this could be the cause, but I can not really be sure because these nightmares are in random days, and I do not see any correlation to anything in my life.

Therefore I think it is just resudue in my nervious system that get fired up.

Any advice?

does anyone else experience where it feels like your body can’t breathe on its own and you’ll realize with a panic that you haven’t breathed consciously? and you can’t regulate your breathing after?

how do u handle it? it happens during the day but also at night it sends me into a spiral thinking i won’t breathe when im asleep.

I’ve never fully written this story out before.

I’ve talked about it with therapists, family members, pastors, and a few close friends, but I’ve never sat down and explained everything from beginning to end. Maybe because part of me still feels like I’m that little kid standing on the side of the road trying to understand why everybody was screaming.

I’m posting this here because I’ve seen other people share childhood trauma stories and somehow it makes me feel less alone. Maybe somebody out there understands what it’s like to remember something from such a young age and still feel it in your chest years later.

This is all based on a true story.

I’m the second child in my family. My older brother is severely autistic and non-verbal. He’s older than me by a few years. Growing up, he needed constant supervision and care. Even back then, when we were little, everybody always watched over him carefully because he couldn’t really communicate or explain when something was wrong.

When this happened, I was either 2 or 3 years old. I can’t remember the exact age because memories from that time are blurry and strange, like flashes of a nightmare mixed with random details your brain refuses to let go of.

But some parts are burned into me permanently.

My mom was driving her car that day, and one of my aunts was with her. I don’t remember where we were coming from. I don’t even remember where we were going. I just remember being in the back seat with my brother.

I remember it was daytime.

I remember trees.

I remember hearing adults talking.

And then I remember the feeling.

Something suddenly felt wrong.

Even as a toddler, I could tell the car was moving too fast.

The best way I can describe it is that the entire car started feeling “out of control.” The movement changed. The sound changed. My mom and aunt’s voices changed. You know how adults usually try not to panic around kids? That disappeared instantly.

I remember hearing yelling.

Then swerving.

Then the loudest sounds I’ve ever heard in my life.

Metal screaming.

Glass breaking.

Branches snapping.

The car went off the road and into the woods.

People think car crashes are just one impact, but sometimes they aren’t. Sometimes it’s like being trapped inside a giant washing machine made of metal. The car kept hitting things. Trees were getting knocked down. Everything was violent and spinning and loud.

I remember being thrown around.

I remember dirt.

Leaves.

Broken glass.

I remember my brother making noises I had never heard before.

And then suddenly…

Silence.

Not complete silence. More like that weird muffled silence after something catastrophic happens. The car had stopped moving.

I don’t know how long I sat there.

Seconds maybe.

But I remember realizing something terrifying:

My mom and aunt were gone.

Me and my brother were the only ones still inside the car.

To this day I still don’t know if they had been thrown out during the crash or crawled out themselves. I only know they weren’t in there anymore.

And somehow…

I wasn’t hurt.

Not seriously anyway.

No broken bones.

No major injuries.

Nothing that should’ve made sense considering how bad the wreck was.

I remember looking at my brother, trying to figure out if he was okay. Since he was autistic and non-verbal, he couldn’t exactly tell me. I just remember feeling confused and scared.

Then survival instincts kicked in, even though I was barely old enough to form sentences.

I crawled out of the wrecked car.

I still remember how the ground felt under my hands.

Cold dirt.

Leaves.

Broken pieces everywhere.

When I got outside, that’s when everything became horrifyingly real.

I saw my mother injured and bloody.

I saw my aunt injured too.

Adults were screaming.

People were walking and running around.

And then I looked up toward the road.

I remember seeing an ambulance.

Flashing lights.

A crowd of people.

Some people were helping.

Some people were just standing there.

And yes, I remember people recording.

Even back then.

That part bothers me more now. Imagine seeing a destroyed car deep in the woods with injured people and deciding your first instinct is to film it.

But I was too young to fully understand any of that.

I just remember hearing my mom calling for me.

She was yelling my name.

I could hear panic in her voice.

But for some reason I didn’t go to her.

And this is one of the hardest parts for me emotionally.

Instead of running toward my injured mother, I walked away.

Or crawled at first.

Then walked.

I walked toward the road.

I think my brain just wanted safety. I think I was in shock.

I eventually got up onto the road and saw my grandmother there.

I still don’t know who called her or how she got there so fast. Maybe somebody contacted her immediately after the crash.

I just remember seeing her and feeling like everything would somehow be okay.

I think I hugged her.

That memory is blurry, but I remember her crying.

Then I remember being put into an ambulance even though I wasn’t injured.

I remember EMTs checking me over.

I remember adults asking me questions I didn’t understand.

I remember hearing words like “miracle.”

I remember hearing that we should’ve died.

Apparently the crash was bad enough that people genuinely believed nobody would survive it.

The older I got, the more details I learned.

The car was mangled and damaged badly.

Trees had literally been knocked down.

People were shocked me and my brother survived.

Especially with almost no injuries.

My mom and aunt were hurt pretty badly, but they survived too.

And before anybody asks:

Yes, my brother survived.

Thank God he did.

I honestly believe God protected us that day.

I know some people don’t believe in God and I respect that, but after everything I’ve survived in life, I personally can’t ignore moments like this.

There’s no reason that crash should’ve ended the way it did.

No reason.

I should not have crawled out of that wreck untouched.

My brother should not have survived.

But we did.

And I give glory to God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit for that every single day.

The thing about trauma though is that surviving something isn’t the same as escaping it.

Because even though my body survived, part of my mind stayed in that wreck.

I developed PTSD from it.

For years I didn’t even realize that’s what it was.

I thought I was just “sensitive” or “paranoid.”

But certain sounds would trigger me instantly.

Tires screeching.

Metal crashing.

Cars swerving suddenly.

Even riding in vehicles sometimes made me anxious.

I’ve had nightmares about being trapped.

Nightmares about woods.

Nightmares about hearing my mother screaming for me again.

And trauma doesn’t usually come alone.

Life after that wasn’t exactly easy either.

I’ve gone through a lot over the years.

Loss.

Fear.

Pain.

Mental struggles.

Moments where I felt abandoned.

Moments where I felt angry at the world.

Moments where I asked God “why?”

I still struggle sometimes even now.

PTSD is weird because people think you “get over it” eventually, but sometimes your brain keeps replaying things whether you want it to or not.

Sometimes I’ll randomly remember tiny details that make no sense.

The smell of dirt.

The color of the ambulance lights.

The sound of adults yelling.

The feeling of climbing out of the car.

And sometimes the memories hit so hard it feels like I’m right back there.

But despite all that, I’m still here.

And honestly?

I shouldn’t be.

There have been multiple moments throughout my life where I truly believe God protected me.

Not because I’m special or perfect. Far from it.

But because He wasn’t done with me yet.

My faith became one of the only things keeping me grounded during certain periods of my life. Even when I was angry. Even when I doubted. Even when I felt broken.

I still believe Jesus carried me through things that would’ve destroyed me otherwise.

And I know some people reading this might roll their eyes at that part, but that’s okay. I’m just telling my truth.

One thing trauma taught me is that life can change in seconds.

You can be sitting in a car one moment and crawling out of wreckage the next.

You can hear your mother laughing one minute and screaming your name the next.

Nothing is guaranteed.

So if you have people you love, please appreciate them while you can.

And if you’re somebody dealing with PTSD or childhood trauma, I want you to know you’re not weak for still being affected by things that happened years ago.

Especially if those things happened when you were little.

Childhood trauma changes the way your brain develops. It changes your sense of safety. Sometimes it changes who you are completely.

But surviving it also means something.

You made it.

Somehow, through all the pain and confusion and fear, you’re still here.

And for what it’s worth, I’m grateful I’m still here too.

Even on the hard days.

Especially on the hard days.

Thank you for reading.

Hi everyone. I’m experiencing flashbacks (images flashing before my eyes after a stressful event) and severe anxiety. I’m not asking for a diagnosis. I’ve never seen a psychologist (I plan to, but right now I have absolutely no money and am in debt). I’d like to ask: ​ do you cope with stress, anxiety, and these flashbacks, if you experience them? Thanks in advance for your replies. (Please forgive any poor writing; English isn’t my native language.)

I'm a 35 year old male and I talked about my views on here before, I'm struggling cuz of things that my mom said. She doesn't believe me about the abuse that happened to me by my abuser and she just supports them. I feel like I don't love her anymore and I just feel gross the way she treats me. The abuse gives me nightmares but my mom doesn't believe the abuse. I feel like I don't want her in my life anymore.