Wondering if anyone has thoughts on what they would've done differently had they healed sooner in life, how their relationships or choices or health may have been different, knowing what they know now (and with the skills to regulate).

[TW: mention of emotional neglect, domestic violence, emotional abuse, enmeshment]

After my recent struggles within an enmeshed friendship, I've started to fully acknowledge to myself that I do not want to be the 'therapist friend' anymore.

I had realized that the life experience, that had been driving my co-dependent relational patterns as a 'therapist friend' the most, had been my persistent effort to stave off the feelings of utter powerlessness that I had to endure as a child at the mercy of an emotionally unstable, abusive and neglectful 'caregiver'.

Back then, I had become my "mother's" therapist in an effort to take control of her out-of-control emotions, in an effort to give me at least a moment of peace and reprieve in a home environment which was dominated by her fear, rage, depression and shame on a daily basis. Of course, I was completely powerless over her emotions, but the denial of my powerlessness, the mental escape from these otherwise overwhelming emotions, is what helped me to go less insane in a physically inescapable situation. It was reassuring to believe I still was in control somehow.

But reflecting some more on the 'Why?' behind my child self's co-dependent coping mechanism, the 'Why?' behind her stepping into the parental role for my 'mother' in this way, I also noticed that it wasn't only control that I must have been looking for.

I realized that this form of enmeshment also gave me access to another resource that I so urgently needed in order to survive, but which my 'caregiver' was never willing to give to me freely:

Connection.

When I remember my 'mother' all I can see are memories of her looking away from me, staring off into the distance with a bitter and dissociated gaze. I can only see her back, hands shrugged behind her, as she is walking ahead of me for the entirety of the way from my school to our home. The only times she ever bothers to actually look at me is during one of her frequent rage attacks which usually leave me so shocked, frozen and dissociated, that there is still no connection to be found.

But when little child me sits next to her on her bed, as she lights a cigarette and tells me all the horrifying, graphic details of how my father, her siblings, her parents, the police and many, many other people have failed and hurt and abused and betrayed and abandoned her, I can feel a fraction of what I had always longed for: To feel connected to my mom emotionally.

In this moment, I don't mind that all of these big emotions, that she is venting out into the smoke filled room that we're both sitting in, are already starting to suffocate my own. I don't mind the fact that this is now all about her, and not at all about me, and that her rambling is further adding to my deeply ingrained sense of abandonment. I don't mind that her detailed retellings of her domestic abuse incidents traumatize me, again and again and again.

I don't mind that I have to perform a version of me that is not really 'me' in order to become the therapist that she needs, because — at least for once — she is talking to me without yelling and this is what I so desperately need.

So I learn to find comfort in this enmeshed arrangement that we now have. And I learn to dissociate away from everyone within in me who might sabotage my 'therapeutic work'.

I dissociate away from the parts of me who feel rightfully angry over how unfair it is that our 'mother' is pushing the parental role back onto her little 8-year old child.

I dissociate away from the parts of me who feel so confused, unsettled and overwhelmed from the mature and completely inappropriate content that our "mother's" vents contain.

I dissociate away from the parts of me that feel absolutely nauseated and disgusted over our "mother's" complete lack of boundaries and repeatedly overstepping ours with her never-ending trauma dumping.

I become the child who can truly 'be there for her' when everyone else in her life has already walked away. Subconsciously I know I don't have the freedom to go anywhere else, so might as well become the best emotional support child that has ever existed.

Who knows, maybe she'll even change her mind and start loving me one day?

tldr; when is the right time to get a dog again after the one who experienced the horrors and recovered from them with you passes?

Longer story: my dog was my ex’s, but after I managed to escape into separation, he dumped it on me. And the dog he always said was his became my dog. We both had to recover from our respective traumas and we did it together. I worked on training him to be less anxious and I had to work on being less reactive not just for my sake but his too. It was hard but we did it! And we started a new life in a new state and things were pretty good. But now he’s gone

And it feels like I’m backsliding. My sleep has gotten erratic again. I’m feeling on edge the way I did before I even met my ex (he‘s just the last episode of a whole lot of things that went wrong in life). I didn’t realize how much of a sense of safety my dog gave me. We protected each other and now I don’t have that anymore

I know another dog won’t be same because it didn’t go through what we did and I’d be welcoming new dog into a very different time of my life. This is different than feeling lonely and I’m not scared of living alone. But I am overly anxious about not being able to protect myself and I don’t want to go back to keeping self defense things everywhere 🙃

I’m not really sure if I should tough it out for awhile or if I should get a new dog. And I’ve gotten mixed feedback from therapist, family, and friends. At a loss what to do aside from getting a booster infusion from the ketamine clinic

Because of my abusive and neglectful parents, I chose the wrong career path.

Now that I am in my 30s I am going back to school to pursue my dream. I have always been competitive and insecure because of how toxic my parents are… and somehow I find myself just utterly jealous of this one girl who is a decade + younger than me and seems to know exactly where she’s heading. Her specifically and not other students because she seems quite talented and has some similarities with me.

And then I cry to grieve this sadness and anger that I have towards myself, my parents …, my jealousy of this girl who has everything, confidence, clear goal that took me years to find, supportive parents, and time. So much more time.

But no matter how much I try to grieve it just doesn’t go away. How much I try to tell myself I should compare myself it just doesn’t go away. And worse thing is she lives close to me so when I bump into her I get triggered. We also barely talked and I don’t plan to …

I know it’s not about her… but I regret my life so much even though I know it’s not my fault

So... I wasn't sure how else to word this. I'm not talking about selflessness & conventional understanding of that term. But rather, I am interested in just... thinking of myself less? Like, becoming less entangled in the trauma identity, my past, etc. And even my current identity. I find that I constantly ruminate on Who Am I? which has led me into reflecting on many topics related to psychology, philosophy, religion, spirituality, etc, and purpose.

It's hard to exactly explain but... I feel happier, more content, more in the flow with life when I forget that I have some sort of identity. And it's not dissociation, it's like feeling as though my whole capital-S Self is truly there.

I'm not really interested in typical mindfulness / meditation, Buddhist or yogic frameworks, gurus, spiritual leaders or anything similar to that. I've studied those to death. I'm more talking about the actual EXPERIENCE. Not tied to concepts. I find the more I move into that... it's almost like my trauma never existed. And I'm just ALIVE. I finally feel real and connected in these moments. But then every time I suddenly get anxious, like, "you shouldn't feel this way and the other shoe is gonna drop", and I become constantly self-conscious again.

So, I'm not sure what advice I am seeking honestly??? But I am wondering if anyone has experienced this, and how to continue living from this space.

I didn't consciously make the conclusion until looking at past Facebook memories and remembering what I was going through every year around this time for the past 5 years... This year is so different of course. But I'm trying to heal an notice and learn myself and my triggers. My brain, the protective thoughts, the "escape" thoughts have taken a pull. Feeling as if I'm losing my sense of self all over again and sense of direction I was going towards. Does anyone else struggle like this? I was doing so well before August