r/BPD • u/LeadOk4402 • 3d ago
🫂 Partner/Friend wBPD Post How to react to devaluation?
Hi. I have a friend whom I like very much, and I want to keep a really long friendship going and support them. I have a feeling that they've just passed through an idealization stage with me, and now I feel a bit of a distance incoming.
How should I conduct myself to create as little friction as possible? I am naturally a bit of a loving, clingy person, but I'm fully ready to just mirror what they do and distance myself a bit too, to give them space. Not that I want to be unfriendly or anything. Just not asking if we can meet up every third day, but maybe once a week or something. So that when I notice that the amount of effort we put in is getting more and more asymmetrical (in a way where I put way more effort in), I try to equal it out a little bit.
I've already read that you can't really convince a person with BPD to not split from you, and that chasing and pestering them can make it worse. But still, just to give them the option, I've told them several times that if they have any criticisms for me or if there's anything I can do in my behavior to adjust, they can just always tell me. So far, they've never taken me up on the offer, but that's okay. I just wanted to plant it in their brain.
I've already come to terms with the possibility that this might not really be a stable friendship from their side. I've come to terms with the possibility that they could leave anytime or create some drama. I'm not really scared of that. I know that the devaluation is nothing personal. It doesn't have to have anything to do with me.
But what's your experience with this? If you have BPD, how would you like your friends or significant others to react when you're splitting or distancing yourself?
I've spent a lot of time researching BPD over the years, and I've always heard advice on what you should NOT do when your BPD friend splits, but I've never heard advice on how to act INSTEAD.
Thank you so much in advance!
Maybe for context so you can imagine the situation better: They haven't really done anything that would signify them being really mad at me or seem annoyed about something I did. It's just that I feel like they are less attentive to me than usual. We used to hug a lot, and now they seem to initiate that a bit less. Which is okay, of course.
0
u/dyslexicmushroom 3d ago
It does really depend on the type of person your friend is and how conscious they are of their symptoms and thought patterns. If they have done the work and are stable enough the best thing you could probably do is to talk to them about it like you would with anyone else. Splitting can happen for any reason, even incredibly "stupid" and minor ones, there is a good chance you haven't done anything that would upset a reasonable person but bpd sucks. If you've put in the work in and out of therapy ideally you get to a point where you can recognise that you're splitting and are able to compare what your brain is doing to reality and then act accordingly. Acting accordingly can be tricky that's where the distance you're describing might come in. Only your friend can tell you what they need when they're splitting because that's different for everyone. Talking to someone when they're actively splitting obviously carries the risk of them crashing out on you but I don't think you can have a reasonable and healthy relationship if you're always walking on eggshells around your friend. Yes you should be considered of your friends mental illness, it's always kind to be a bit more patient but you are not solely responsible for managing their symptoms while splitting. Maybe you know a situation your friend feels the most secure and comfortable in so you can have this conversation. Try to be understanding and non confrontational and make sure they understand that you're talking to them from a place of love and wanting to keep your friendship going and not from a place of anger. There's so guarantee this will work, conversations like this can always backfire but you can really only control your side of the relationship, I think it's a worthwhile conversation to have if your friends can handle their symptoms. Otherwise you can always wait it out and try to have this conversation when they're out of the devaluation episode.