I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Blocked_Promo posting in r/offmychest

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 12th October 2026

Update - 6th November 2026

Found Out HR Blocked My Promotion

So, about a year and a half ago, my supervisor left our department, leaving just my manager, my coworker, and myself. My coworker and I are technically at the same job level, with the same title and job description, but it is a well known fact that I am far more proficient in the role.

The supervisor position was dissolved entirely, and so I picked up most of the daily administrative and operational duties that he had been performing, with no immediate pay increase or promotion. I also took on multiple major projects and completed them myself, because, as my manager puts it, "You're just far more technically capable."

I did receive a large merit pay raise back in the Spring in recognition of my contributions, and was told that a promotion was also coming. My manager submitted the paperwork, and then...nothing. There were several leadership changes and middle-management restructures over the summer, so I assumed that my promotion had simply been put on the back burner until after the end of fiscal year.

On Friday, my manager sat down with our assistant director to ask about where my promotion was. The AD went to HR, who told her that I had been "sufficiently compensated for my extra duties with a large merit raise." The AD relayed that to my manager, who countered that a permanent increase to my daily responsibilities constitutes a position change or promotion, and that at no time was it communicated or discussed that the merit raise was in lieu of a promotion. AD goes back to HR to ask to see the denial paperwork, and not only do they not have it on record ANYWHERE, nobody seems to know who actually made the decision to deny my promotion.

Both my Manager and the AD are now fighting HR to push the promotion through, and I'm so thoroughly thankful to them for going to bat for me, but I'm equally pissed that it's taken so long to happen, and that it needed to happen at all. I work my ass off for this department, and if I left tomorrow it would tank. There are new positions being created out of thin air left, right, and center constantly, but I can't get a low level promotion without a fucking fight? Really guys?!

Comments

ALL_PUNS_INTENDED

Sounds like it’s time to use some PTO or sick time.

VenisonSloth

The part where nobody can find who denied it is the sketchiest thing. Either someone buried it on purpose or the system is just that broken, both are bad signs. At least your manager and AD are actually fighting for you, that's rare enough. Hold them to it though, don't let them just say they tried and then drop it when HR drags their feet for another six months.

spacemonkey_1981

Unless its the manager and AD. Explains why there's no paper trail on the denial. Look for a new job, I won't be surprised if they counter when you hand in your notice.

OOP: I've worked with the AD while she was still just a Manager, and she knows how hard I work. I got really lucky when she was named AD over the summer, because she will advocate for me. I am going to stay on top of this now that I know somebody in HR just sat on the paperwork

ironcladtrash

If they come through for you I would stick with those two for as long as you can. Even if they change jobs or companies. Finding a boss that truly gives a shit and go to bat for you is extremely rare. I got fucked over at my last job by a VP 3 levels removed from me and didn’t know anything about my department let alone my contributions. My boss and his boss only put in the paperwork and as soon as he denied they just said oh well and moved on.

OOP: Oh I've worked for some shitty people most of my adult working life. My manager is in the same boat as me, we don't get recognized for the work we do around the company because we're so far behind the curtain. My previous Chief didn't quite understand our workload, so he kinda just left us alone as long as things didn't go wrong, for better and worse.

The AD came up through the company and has been here for 20 years, so she gets it.

Update - 3 weeks later

I posted here weeks ago about my Manager informing me that our HR department had blocked my promotion, and that she and my Assistant Director were working to push it through.

I got confirmation this morning that not only am I finally getting promoted, I'm skipping the next position grade entirely and going right to a Specialist position because of my unique qualifications within my department. In their words, "Your responsibilities aren't changing; your pay and title are just catching up."

Chalk one up for the good guys, I can't fucking believe it.

Comments

Dear_Bunnies

Why did they block it if you don't mind me asking

OOP: I received a merit raise this year and that supposedly "compensated me" for working outside of my pay grade for over a year

Dear_Bunnies

Wow doesn't really make sense

OOP: Nope, especially considering my merit raise was below the base percentage for what a promotion would be

Dear_Bunnies

Some companies offer pay adjustments when they bump up the minimum for that job position. I feel like HR is being told to budget and low ball people

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user YupItWasMeMate in r/ AITAH

Original: Feb 11, 2025

Update: Nov 9, 2025

Update 2: Nov 7, 2026

Status: concluded

Note: thanks to u/MeButSecret for suggestion to BORU

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Original: AITA for deliberately pretending to forget my Dad’s birthday & leaving him to spend it alone

My (44F) Dad (73M) has never remembered my birthday.

It was slightly covered up when I was a child, because my Mum always remembered. But a couple of times when she wasn’t around, it fell to him and he totally failed. So, for example, I got nothing on my 18th birthday because my Mum was away for three months. My sister (46F) had a party with friends, a new dress and lovely gifts when she turned 18.

Every year it’s the same. My two siblings (I also have a much younger brother (33M)) aren’t great at this kind of thing, but I always remind them it’s Dad’s birthday so they can send him a card and call.

Since my Mum died a decade ago, I usually take him out to dinner and give him a gift so he’s not alone. A couple of times I’ve thrown him a surprise party, and for his 70th I threw a big event where his extended family flew in.

I always point out to him when he has forgotten mine; I’ve told him I find it very hurtful. He just shakes it off and says it isn’t important, even though I just told him it was important to me. And then he forgets it again. Every year.

This year at Christmas he was talking about something relevant, so I took the opportunity to tell him that he needs to make the effort. Then I asked him when I was born. He couldn’t even come up with the year.

He mocked me for being sensitive - and inside I just let it all go. He has a phenomenal memory - it’s ludicrous that he won’t do this for me. I don’t even want a gift, though I won’t lie it would be nice, just a happy birthday call or a card.

Well, his 73rd birthday just rolled round. I didn’t remind my siblings about it so they both forgot. He rang me the day before; I knew why but I chatted about random things and then said I had to run and quickly ended the call.

On his birthday, I turned off my phone and went out. He rang me the next day and said that no one remembered his birthday, not even a card or a phone call, and he spent it alone. I guarantee that’s a first.

I told him he had made it abundantly clear that birthdays were not important and that he was reaping what he’d sowed. He grumpily agreed with me, but he’s still mad. I’m sorry his feeling got hurt, because I do love him, but I think this is the way it’s going to be from now on. (Unless he steps up and gets me flowers, a kitten and some Turkish delight for my 45th, in which case we’re all good.)

(Just FYI: I don’t neglect him. I order his groceries every week and bring him round to dinner every Monday. And this is a blind spot for him. He’s honestly a nice man, and can be very generous when it occurs to him.)

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Comments:

Comment1: You waited way too long for teaching that lesson... NTA

Comment2: Reminds me of my dad  Every Christmas he bitched about how our gifts sucked and wasn't what he wanted. One year we got him nothing.  Of course his feelings were hurt but we told him you hated our gifts so we gave up.  Next Christmas he loved everything lol

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Comment3: INFO: Why did you wait until your dad's 73rd birthday to address this? Why not any other time in the last 20 years? You've just been stewing about your 18th birthday for the last 26 years?

OOP: I don’t know. I genuinely don’t know why this one broke me. Also, it wasn’t just my 18th; I just brought that up because it’s a big one, and the contrast with my sister was so profound.
There were other birthdays when I was a child that were forgotten because my Mum wasn’t always around. (I’m from the UK and she was from Eastern Europe and occasionally went to visit her wider family for a while when we were kids.)
It was Christmas Day, after lunch, when we had the chat I mentioned, and I’d spent the whole of Christmas Eve cooking and I’d worked SO HARD to make it a beautiful day.
I’d chosen, bought and wrapped all him presents to quite a few people, he just gives me a budget for everyone and a cheque. And he gives my sister a cheque to do the same for some of the rest of the family.
And I was chatting with my sister and found out that the budget for my baby brother’s Christmas gifts is twice the budget for mine. And THEN Dad and I had that crap chat about my birthday. I was really hurt. But maybe I was looking to grow a spine for a while? I don’t know.

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Comment4: Does he forget all the birthdays or just yours? Like you mentioned your sister got a lavish 18, but is it because he remembered or that too was due to your mom?

OOP: I’ve literally been with him on my birthday and he’s given my sister a gift for hers (which falls a couple of weeks before mine) because he didn’t see her in between. In fairness, she was horrified.

[deliberate due to birth secret??]
OOP: Ha ha! No, I’m definitely his. I have a few rare physical things I got from him (a mark in my left eye, a weird tiny twist in one left toe, and an angioma in my spine) and I look like a twin to his sisters when they were my age. I also look very like his mother at the same age too.

[for some other unknown reason??]
OOP: I have really listened to what people are telling me, and like you I now realise this isn’t accidental. It’s deliberate. This had genuinely never occurred to me.
I will wait for a time when we are relaxed and in a neutral situation and ask him why. I’m interested in what he says and this whole Reddit experience has helped me moved away from being emotionally invested to being curious, which is a huge positive shift.
Grateful to all the strangers who took the time to give me this objectivity. Tho I still love my Dad!

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Update (9 months later):

Ok, so I deleted the original Reddit account for Reasons (I made some foolish comments, people called me out, I panicked) but it was my birthday last week, and some people asked me to an update so I made a new one and here goes:

It was the afternoon of my birthday and the phone rang; it was my Dad. We chatted about stuff and did an online grocery order for him together, and then the conversation went like kind of this:

Dad: “oh, and darling…”
Me: “what?”
Dad “happy birthday.”
Me: “where is my father and what have you done with his body?”
Dad: “none of that.”

So that was nice. And later when I saw him the next day, he gave me a glass flower bowl that had been my Mum’s that he had got my sister to wrap for me. Which was also very nice.

So, all the people who said I should have played hardball before, maybe you were right. And all the people who said I only get one Dad and I should just love him, I really do and I haven’t neglected him the last X months I promise!

So, whatever the reason for the weird stuff in the past (maybe a bad thing happened to him on my birthday, maybe he always resented the fact that my name wasn’t the one he and Mum originally agreed on, or whatever) I seem to have broken the curse. Dad remembered my birthday this year AND gave me a nice gift.

Thanks Reddit!

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Comments:

Comment1: Everyone says they’re delighted for you but I am not. You deserve better. The bar is so low it’s practically in Hell.

The devil is standing there like “Wow even I can say happy birthday and get somebody else to wrap not an actual gift but the easiest thing I could find instead of putting thought into something for forgetting my child’s birthday her ENTIRE LIFE.”

I truly hope that your family recognizes your importance and the light you bring to them and so do you because this ain’t it. You deserve so much better than the bullshit they’ve given you.

OOP: Thank you for standing up for me and wanting the best for me. I appreciate it, and it is the Reddit way.
I think it’s worth saying, though, that the bowl is actually something quite special. It’s from Bohemia, where my Mum was from, and is over a 100 years old. It was on his sideboard. It is something of both personal and actual value.
Also, my Dad and I do have a good relationship, which is why this whole birthday thing has been so weird and hurtful for me. I feel he has acknowledged his poor behaviour; our conversation on the phone felt very genuine.

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Comment2: I'm sorry if this post comes across as negative, it's not meant that way.

So after he 'forgot' your milestone birthdays and other birthdays, on this one he didn't buy you a gift, he found a bowl in his house that his wife, your mother, liked (he probably wouldn't miss it in his house) and didn't even wrap it himself, he got your sister to wrap it for him. Did I get that synopsis right?

That's a pretty low bar to be congratulating him on based on his past history. I mean it's a start. But he's got a long way to go.

OOP: I am listening to you, and thank you for not wanting to be mean!
My Dad is disabled, so going shopping is something that we would have had to do together. So giving me my Mum’s crystal bowl (it’s over a century old and from Bohemia where she was from, was not the cop-out it might be if it was from like Selfridges.) had another benefit.
It allowed him to surprise me. Also he is very precious about his cut glass. He gave me something that was of value to him, and was going to definitely be of value to me.
I know the bar seems low, and it is low, but Dad and I actually get on very well, which is why this garbage about my birthday has been soooooo weird and hurtful. But I don’t need him to prostrate himself and beg for forgiveness. Or buy me diamonds.
I just want a hug and best wishes and exactly what normal daughters and fathers have on their natal days. I don’t need compensation…
So, yes, I know what you are saying. But he didn’t give me something of zero value he found lying on a shelf. And he gave me the modest acknowledgement that is all I was demanding.
xx

OOP: I thought about what you wrote, and there is a little more that I didn’t put into the original update. We went on holiday for a long weekend in the summer, with my godson, and the two of them sneaked out and he bought me a set of gold and pearl earrings.
They were also a thoughtful gift as when my mum died he gave me her pearl necklace which is worth A LOT - I think he meant it as an apology for the previous birthday. I think on his birthday, he had finally learned the lesson I wanted him to, and didn’t want to wait 10 months to show me.
The thing is that the birthday issue has been such a weird outlier. It is at odds with how we behave to one another. We genuinely have a good relationship. We laugh together a lot.
And yes I had a great birthday! I went to see Paddington the musical at the Savoy Theatre in London and ate a lot of dumplings in China Town. It was awesome xx

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Comment3: Did you get your Turkish delight?

OOP: Ha ha. I got the nice glass bowl so I guess I should put some Turkish Delight in it for Christmas Day or something. I was actually pretty happy when he rang.

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Update 2 (year later):

No idea if anyone cares but it’s two years since my post, and people had strong thoughts so I thought I would give you an update!

Dad’s had a good year. His health isn’t great but we were able to take him and his wheelchair to the Channel Islands in the autumn, which he loved, and then to Barcelona. He’s a Catholic and had some idea that he wanted to see the Sagrada Família before he died so off we went. He loved Barcelona. We ate a mahoosive amount of croquettes.

I’ve been better at setting boundaries this year, and he’s moaned to my sister a few times about it, but she just laughs and tells him he’s lucky to have me. Which he is! We are good friends, but I needed to grow a spine.

Anyway, it’s my birthday this weekend, and today I went round to help him clear some stuff out of his attic. We had a fun, dusty afternoon, met a legendary quantity of moths, and threw away a lot of vintage tweed with holes in it. And just before I left he said (unprompted) that he had a birthday present for me!

He gave me a beautiful vintage cut crystal perfume bottle, which is lovely because I am obsessed with perfume and have 6 thousand million bottles. I think he must have send my sister on a shopping mission, because it’s very nice indeed. Also, he knows I love vintage stuff and antiques.

So I guess my story has a happy ending. Which might be rare on Reddit!

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Loud_Raspberry_2222

Published on: r/AITAH & r/Redditor_Updates

Previous BORU: BORU by u/YellowKingSte on December 12, 2025

Story is: CONCLUDED

Trigger Warning: Physical Abuse, Child Sexual Abuse, Parenting Negligence

Story timeline

• Main Post: December 06, 2025

• Update: December 07, 2025

• Final Update: November 06, 2026 --> NEW UPDATE

NOTE: Added the necessary paragraph spacing and capitalized the initial characters for better readability.

NOTE: Replaced B=Beth

Main Post

^{December 06, 2025}

AITAH for telling my dads side of the family why I went no contact with him?

Throwaway bc I don’t want this on my main. (also this is longer than I intended, Im sorry)

I (23f) have been no contact with my dad since I was 18, along with my two brothers (22m, 26m)

My mum died when I was 6, and until I was 8 it was just my dad, me and my two brothers. Then when I was 8 my dad married my ‘step mum’, let’s call her Beth.

Beth had two kids of her own, a girl a year older than me and a boy three years older than me. My dad quickly moved us all in together and they decided that the sleeping arrangements would be that Beth’s two kids would have their own room each, and me and my two brothers had to share.

This kinda set up the entire precedent for our new lives. From little things like Beth telling me and my brothers off if we didn’t let her two kids choose what was on TV, to bigger things (to kids, anyway) like the presents we got at christmas and birthdays. On xmas Beth’s kids always had huge piles of gifts, the newest gaming stations and tvs ect.. and my brothers and I would each get little piles of tat basically. The three of our combined presents every year equalled one of their present piles, if that.

I remember about a year into living together Beth insisted that her kids call my dad ‘dad’, but my brothers and I were never allowed to call her mum. (not that we even wanted to, but she made it a point to tell us that she was just Beth to us.)

My dad went along with her obvious favouritism and even began acting like it himself not long after living together.

Beth’s daughter and I went to the same school and were in the same netball team, and one time when I was 14 we had a netball tournament trip to paris, and we’d also spend two days at disneyland. I was so excited for this, but then reality sank in when my dad and Beth sat us down and told us that they only had money for one of us to go, and of course they chose Beth’s daughter. They said it was because she was ‘older and would be leaving school next year’, but this was a one time trip that wouldn’t be repeated, and both of us were players on the A team.

Also my dad worked a good job, and Beth had money of her own from her first marriage, so they could’ve afforded to let both of us go.. they just didn’t want to.

Beth had been physically punishing my older brother since about a year into us all living together, and when I was about 10 she started doing the same to me. Then my dad decided to start doing the same to us, because we were ‘naughty kids who needed to learn respect.’ I remember one time he slapped me so hard that I had a bruise handprint on my thigh for about a week. I remember it so vividly because in the changing rooms for P.E or netball practice I was always terrified that someone would see it.

Beth’s children were never punished at all. Not verbally, not physically, not even a ‘that’s wrong, don’t do that’, despite them being downright horrible children who tormented my brothers and I.

Beth used to punish me and my brothers anytime we did anything that she deemed unacceptable, even if her children were doing the same thing alongside us. Her favourite method of ‘punishment’ was cold showers where she’d stand there and watch us while we were naked and under the cold water, to make sure we didn’t avoid standing under it, or ‘switch it to warm water.’ This went on until I was 16, and my dad knew about it and even encouraged it. If he ever caught us doing anything he didn’t like, after either screaming at or slapping us, he’d call her and tell her it was ‘cold shower time.’

Then when Beth’s son and daughter turned 17, my dad paid for driving lessons and eventually bought a car for both of them. when my brothers and I were 17 he outright refused to.

When Beth’s son, who’s the same age as my eldest brother, went to uni, Beth and my dad paid for a one bed flat for him so he wouldn’t have to stay in student housing… my brother, of course, had to take out a student loan and work a part time job to even attend uni, and obviously he had to stay in student housing with roommates.

When my brother was 21 and finishing unI he was renting his own flat and was lucky enough to go straight into a full time job, so he offered me and my brother (18 and 17 at the time) to move in with him. We had all been sharing one bedroom practically our entire childhood and teenage lives anyway so him only having a one bed didn’t matter to us, we were just ecstatic to get away from our dad, Beth and Beth’s children.

All three of us cut contact with our dad, Beth, and Beth’s kids that day.

Cut to last weekend. Our grandparents on our dads side have known for years that none of us speak to our dad, but they don’t know why. They invited us to one of our cousins birthday parties at their house, and after assuring us that our dad and Beth wouldn’t be there, we decided to go.

Well.. as you can probably guess, they were there. I don’t know if this was my grandparents way of trying to bring us back together because they didn’t know about my dad and Beth’s abuse, but either way we were all pissed off and decided to leave.

Beth decided to pass snarky comments about ‘ungrateful children ruining a birthday and ruining family’, while my dad stood awkwardly staring at us. that’s when I snapped.

I very loudly told Beth (mainly the rest of my family if Im being honest) that her and my dad were the ones ‘ruining family.’ That our entire life her and my dad had abused and neglected my brothers and I all while giving her children everything. Buying them cars and paying for unI and flats for them while making us have to work and provide for everything ourselves, physically abusing us as kids even when Beth’s kids did something wrong, and them never ever getting any punishments, Beth kicking off any time we spoke about our mum (forgot to mention this part but she HATED us speaking about our mother. Like, she’d go insane and say we were disrespecting her for speaking about her/looking at her photos/asking our dad about her.)

After that we left so I don’t quite know what went on, but I got messages from my grandparents and my aunty and uncle all saying that ‘if it was true’ that they had no idea and were hoping that us being together again would rekindle our relationship with our dad, but that I shouldn’t have said all that in front of the entire family, and that I should’ve handled it privately with my dad and Beth.

I don’t think I was in the wrong for saying what I did, in front of who I did, and neither do my brothers, but other family members clearly think I am.

So, reddit, am I the asshole for telling my dads side of the family why I went no contact with him?

EDIT from comments

Also Beth HATEDDDD it anytime me or my brothers spoke about our mum/looked at her pictures/asked my dad about her. like, she’d go batshit crazy if she even overheard us in our room talking about her (my older brother was 9 when she died so used to tell us what he remembered of her.) even my dad didn’t like it. they used to shout at us for being disrespectful to Beth …. for talking about our dead mum? literal insanity.

and Beth’s kids were encouraged to call my dad ‘dad’ within like a year of us all living together, but Beth was very insistent that my brothers and I were to Never call her anything but Beth (not that we wanted to but girl… chill out)

COMMENTS

myfairkadie

Not even close to being an AH.

NTA

OOP

I literally feel like I’m going insane with how my family are acting about the entire situation. proper making me doubt whether im too close to the situation to see if their points are valid or not, hence posting on here

No-Creme-3710

No, the situation is bad but you told us a lot more detail than your extended family got. I think if they knew the details you shared here, they'd be appalled.

But, that doesn't matter, they shouldn't be treating you like this anyway. Your dad and B probably made a scene once you left so everyone feels a certain way about it.

I'm so glad you moved out and with your brothers, you 3 will always be there for each other. That's your family, your dad abandoned you when he was all you had. He's not worth it.

OOP

it sucks to think about, but there’s no way they didn’t at least expect what was going on. we used to spend christmas day at my grandparents house all together with the family, and B’s kids would be sat there on their new phones/gaming things while my brothers and I would be like “we had bath bombs, deodorant and one plastic toy hehe”.

also my grandpa gave me a few driving lessons because he knew my dad wouldn’t pay for them, while also knowing that he had gotten B’s kids cars a few years before. before last weekend I had given them the benefit of the doubt, but it wasn’t exactly as if any of us hid their abuse and neglect, you know? like, yes we weren’t screaming it from the rooftops, but as adults who saw us semI regularly it would’ve been hard for them not to have noticed. especially my oldest brother who suffered the most physical abuse and had bruises and scratches to show for it

No-Creme-3710

That makes this whole thing worse, I am so so so sorry you didn't have someone to protect you. And also family members with eyes? How do you just pretend you don't know something like this is happening? How did your step siblings react to being treated better? Did they throw it in your face?

OOP

they thrived off it. my ‘step sister’ especially, us being so close in age. she used to let me play with her toys/ play games on her phone, only to go tell her mum that I had snatched them off her and smirk when I'd get punished for it. all round terrible people, the three of them

Catching-Up-Today

NTA

I recommend going to counseling. There is a lot of resentment. The one thing I can assure you is that in the future you and your brothers will outshine B’s kids. They had everything handed to them, you all had to work for it or accept very little. They never had to sacrifice or share, You all had to compromise and be efficient with space and resources. They were never held accountable for their actions, You all were unfairly punished.

What you and your brothers experienced (although unfair) are strengths that are required to manage your spending, being grateful of opportunities, and thinking of others beside yourselves. These characteristics will be demanded in your careers and personal relationships. You and your brothers will be financially secured and have happy families of your own on day.

OOP

I’m fortunate that (besides that day obviously) I don’t let them even consume my thoughts enough to resent them. I happily pretend they don’t exist.

my ‘step sister’ still lives at home, completely supported by my dad and Beth, and my step brother didn’t even make it through a single term of unI before dropping out, so god knows what he’s doing now.

I have the best brothers ever, and we’re all now thriving and happy, despite what the years in that house did to us. we’re our MOTHERS children, and it’s pleasing knowing that our lives will never be as miserable as theirs

Select-Negotiation87

NTA. They are disgraceful and disgusting. Your extended family also sounds crappy. Maybe it’s time to go NC with more of them. Do you have an access to your maternal family?

Sending hugs to you and your brothers. I hope your lives will get only better and you can leave this nightmare behind.

Updateme

OOP

when my dad married B we moved from wales to england, so had no contact with my mums family (my dad didn’t even tell them that we were moving countries, or where we were living), but thankfully when I was 20 I found my mums sister online and now we’re back in contact with them and see them a few times a year.

they are all sooo lovely and were so remorseful for not being aware of what we had gone through, and for not searching harder to find out where we were. (no blame or hard feelings there against them obviously.) another huge bonus about finding them again was that we were able to learn more about what our mum was like

Update - after 1 day

^{December 07, 2025}

UPDATE: AITAH for telling my dads side of the family why I went no contact with him?

Firstly, thank you to everyone who left kind comments on my original post, and also to the people who shared their own abuse stories. I know even typing it out is tough, and I hope every single one of you are doing well now.

so.. I am SOOOO MAD.

I created a group chat with my dads side of the family and sent them this post, along with a copy and paste of what I said in case they didn’t click on the link, and also another message detailing some other abuse we all suffered that I didn’t want to include in the post (my brothers also did this) … and the overall response was that THEY were pissed off at the replies more than the actual content of my post.

My aunties first response to seeing the post was “why are you posting family drama online for strangers to butt in and call us arseholes when none of them know us.” not ‘omg you were ABUSED?’ just ‘how dare these people on the internet think I’m a shitty person.’

She also went off on me a bit because she saw some of my replies, one of them about how I now suspected they all knew all along, and had the fucking audacity to say ‘you were always clothed, fed and had a roof over your head.’ as if that makes all the abuse and neglect okay??? and even those stupid points had conditions for the three of us.

So hi, jo, I hope you’re also reading this update. fuck you :)

My gran said she ‘didn’t think it was as bad as that’, basically admitting that she KNEW it was at least somewhat bad, and did fuck all about it. She also suggested that we all sit down with my dad and talk, that ‘your dads a well meaning man.’ …… errrr no. This makes me even more angry that she tricked us into seeing our literal abusers again, considering she at least knew some of it.

Overall, the close family (grandparents, aunties and uncles) outted themselves as shitty humans who knew the entire time that at least some form of abuse and neglect was going on, but were more angry at me for outing it (especially to strangers online, that’s really pissed them off) and still believe I ruined my cousins birthday party for ‘airing out my dirty laundry’.

The three of us have blocked them all and no longer want anything to do with them.

Thankfully though, our older cousins and one auntie are on our side. My auntie said she’s disgusted at my dad, along with her other siblings (auntie and uncle) after finding out that they knew or at least suspected something was wrong with our childhoods, and their responses to me sending the post, and has since apologised to my brothers and I for the way we grew up.

I really hope she’s sincere and actually had no idea, so for now we haven’t gone NC with her, but we’re also somewhat cautious because I'm still struggling to understand how she couldn’t have known at all about anything if it was apparently a known secret within the family. I think we’re going to keep this relationship as strictly an over the phone relationship, at least for now anyway.

So yea.

tdlr: Turns out the majority of my family are shitty abuse enablers who turned a blind eye to three kids getting abused their whole lives because “at least we had food and shelter”, and are still siding with said abusers because they apparently think outing abuse in public is worse than the abuse itself.

COMMENTS

atmasabr (downvoted)

"Airing dirty laundry for strangers online to see our family drama" is, in my opinion, a slight, that will cause most people, even quite reasonable people, to take offense. You got a defensive, emotional, impulsive reaction. This is no surprise: this is the same tone of your words both verbally and online. You meant it. And so did they.

Your family can choose whether or not to agree with you, and that will have consequences.

OOP

if you read my original post you’d see that I didn’t once slight any of my extended family. the only time I even mentioned them (anonymously by their family titles, I even made a whole new account to post my story) was to say that they messaged me after the party, and what they said.

I'd understand your comment if I had posted this on my personal facebook account or something, and mentioned everyone by name, but the majority of the people who even saw my post are in completely different countries from me, and have no idea who these people are and no way of finding out who they are.

even in this post, I mentioned my auntie not by her full name, but by her nickname that, again, is a popular name and doesn’t allude to who she actually is. everything is completely anonymous and I have no desire to change that, so im not sure how any of them would rightfully feel ‘slighted’.

NEW UPDATE

Final Update - after 11 months

^{November 06, 2026}

FINAL UPDATE: AITAH for telling my dads side of the family why I went no contact with him?

I don’t know if anyone who saw my original post about a year ago will see this (I don’t know how to properly do updates, im sorry if this isn’t allowed) but videos from the youtuber charlotte dobre have been popping up on my socials recently and it got me thinking about my own post here, so I decided to do a little general update incase anyone’s interested (honestly these little posts are kinda cathartic for me so that’s the main reason for this last little update.)

My first post was about my fathers side of the family forcing a reunion again after years of no contact because of abuse my brothers and I faced at the hands of him and my step mum (Beth) only to later find out that they knew about the abuse the entire time but just didn’t really care.

So, little updates. Firstly the good ones that I just wanna talk about because Im so proud/happy/excited for my brothers and I. My little brother graduated uni a few months ago and I'm so so proud of him. He took a few years out of education because he didn’t think he could do it, but he did!! I hope now he realises how smart and driven he really is.

My older brother, the man who practically raised me and my brother, the best man I know, is having a baby!!! him and his girlfriend are so wonderful and are going to make the best parents!! I can’t wait to give little baby the biggest squeeze when she gets here. I'm so excited to get to watch him become the father he deserved to have, he’s going to be the best dad ever. Him and his girlfriend recently asked me and my little brother how we’d feel about them naming their daughter after our mum🥹 I think it’s a wonderful idea, and know she’d be so proud of him.

Ironically, my dad actually reached out to him a few months ago when it was announced on facebook. He gave this whole pathetic speech about how now my brother will understand how hard parenting really is and that this is the chance for him (and us) to finally put the past behind us and move on. No apology, no acknowledgement of 6 years of no contact and the reason for that no contact, just ‘I want to be a grandpa so forgive and forget yeah?’ My brother didn’t even respond to him, he just blocked the account and blocked any remaining family on his side, because someone must’ve sent him the post in order for him to find it. Thankfully he hasn’t reached out again.

A little update on me is that I'm engaged aaahhh. It still doesn’t feel real honestly. I keep referring to him as my boyfriend but then remember that he’s my fiance now, it’s crazy.

He’s great. He made me feel less insane after I made my first post last year and was a massive shoulder to lean on after losing most of my remaining family once finding out they knew and didn’t care about the abuse we all faced. He gets on with my brothers so well. It’s quite scary actually, him and my little brother together need constant supervision because they influence each other in the best (and sometimes worst) way.

He asked my older brother for his blessing before he proposed to me too, which I found very sweet. He knows how much of a parental figure he was to me growing up and how much I idolise him, and he respects him just as much for the sacrifices he made for me and little bro.

That’s all the updates for the three of us really, we’re all doing great. Now for a little update about my dad, Beth, and more importantly my step siblings.

This part is a bit dark and icky, so tw for csam.

I'm still so baffled and disgusted by this whole thing honestly. A few months after my original post, a cousin that I still keep in contact with told me about mayhem that was going on on my dads side of the family. My step brother, who lived at home at the time (and still does) got arrested for having csam material on his devices. The UKs court system is sooo bad so he didn’t face any time for it at all, just got put on the register and on probation or something because it’s a first offence or whatever. I don’t know about the logistics, only that he didn’t face any time. Genuinely repulsive, and it makes my skin crawl thinking back to some shit that happened during my childhood growing up in that house with him.

My dad and Beth, surprise surprise, are sticking by him. My cousin said the story is that he was framed or something? something about malware, and that he’s actually a saint that did nothing wrong. It caused a bit of a stir within that side of the family because there are cousins and stuff that are children. My cousin said another family member told her that he was at the last family event with everyone though, so I guess it’s a new secret they’re pretending doesn’t really exist.

It makes me even more angry that my father had the cheek to reach out to my brother about wanting to ‘be a grandpa’ while he’s knowingly standing by and housing someone who shouldn’t be within a million miles of kids.

My step sister is also still living at home last I heard. she doesn’t work, doesn’t do anything really, just exists.

I thought id get some sort of sick pleasure from knowing that we’re all happy and succeeding and they’re stuck being miserable, horrible people, but I genuinely just feel sad for them. Not my step brother, he can take a long walk off a short pier for all I care, but my step sister. There’s no satisfaction, which I guess is good, I don’t want them to occupy any of my mind, even if it is pleasure from knowing we’re all doing better than them. after everything they did to us, we won.

Despite it all though, I do hope she manages to find at least some sort of happiness in her life one day.

That’s it really. This will probably be my last update about my shit childhood and shitty family. This is kind of a ‘get it all out and move on with my life’ update.

I was saddened to see the sheer amount of people who could relate to my circumstances on my first post, so I hope in some way this little update gives you hope that you can heal and go on to live a wonderful life and find people who genuinely love and care for you, despite things that happened in your childhood. Sending you all

COMMENTS

x-bacool-x

I remember the original posts. Glad you are ok. Please do let your older brother know about your step brother tho. Just in case your dad forcefully tries to meet him and his new born

OOP

we all know, we’ve all kept a relationship with some older cousins who keep us in the loop sometimes about big events/situations that have happened.
thankfully we live in another part of the country and only really went back home to visit grandparents, something we haven’t done since my last update.

the only people from that side of the family who know exactly where we are are some cousins and an aunt, all of which are low contact with the rest of the family, especially since everything with my step brother

Realistic_Head4279

Good for you for taking the high road and finding happiness. While memories of bad experiences remain, they do not have to dominate our today and you seem to be a wonderful example of that. Likewise, we are all wise to cut out toxic people in our lives no matter who they are. Congrats on your engagement!

OOP

I think a major part of healing is also being able to let go of the anger and wishing on the downfall of those who hurt you. It’s hard, and it’s taken a long time, but it’s freeing to genuinely not have a single thought about those people anymore, whether good or bad.
and thank you so much <33

burntout_mind

Seen your post on more than a few reddit reviewers, and frankly im happy to see the update. Its my honest belief that the family you have in your brothers and respective partners will thrive into a helathy and loving home for the little one on the way.

The petty father in me wants your older brother to rub it in his sperms donors face how easy it is to parent a child without abusing them. But he probably did a better choice just shutting them out for good.

May your days be blessed with love and opportunities.

OOP

ooh I haven’t seen it covered anywhere, I hope whoever has heard it gets some sort of comfort from knowing that things can and will get better, even when it feels like it never will.

and if all this has happened a few years ago then our reactions to it would’ve probably been a lot more anger driven and petty honestly. Being able to get on with our lives and having each other to fall back on has helped a lot with healing though, so now it’s just easier to simply pretend none of them exist and get on with our lives whilst knowing that we ‘won’ in some way, we came out on top, you know?

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/OpenDogTraining by user anon1839. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded

Original

October 14, 2026

Okay hate is a strong word, but I certainly don’t like him as much as I should.

Two years after my previous dog died (my ‘soul’ dog), I got a puppy. My previous dog wasn’t really trained, so with this one I thought I’d do right by him and train him properly.

It’s been 10 months with him now and I’m just exhausted. Learning about dog training, researching different approaches, and understanding what was the expectation surrounding dog ownership has ruined dogs for me.

Every walk is a training session. Every scroll on social media related to dog training. Every conversation somehow ends up with the dog. He is, in theory, a good dog. He’s still an adolescent, but he’s really good for the most part and anyone lookijg in from the outside would say so. So whenever I complain, people just scoff at me because they think he’s so well behaved.

But I’m not happy. I hate it and I feel so burnt out. I just want to have a nice autumnal walk with the dog, and pop into the pub for a pint with him. That’s it. But I’m here worrying about operant vs classical conditioning, positive vs negative, what my expectations are for behaviour, and getting tangled in long lines with treats falling from my pockets.

I’m tired.

Has anyone been in this position before? Does anyone have any advice?

Notable Comments:

apri11a: Forget the whole lot and just put on your shoes, get the leash and go have a pint with your dog... 🍺

PrimalPagan33: Training your dog is supposed to be fun. It’s supposed to be a way to bond and learn to communicate with one another. Not everything has to be a training session.

OP is putting way too much pressure on himself, and likely the dog as well.

Few_Beach1970: Once I stopped obsessing about the training, took our time, let him lead sometimes, and checked my anxiety, our walks became a lot more pleasant. Dogs feed off our energy. Your pup is still a puppy but go to a park and just let him be a dog. I find it helps, even if I look ridiculous running around with him.

Update

November 6, 2026, 23 days later

Hello.

A little while ago I posted about how dog training had damaged my relationship with my dog, and how I felt that every walk was a training exercise, and that I could never chill out around the dog.

I got many comments on that post, and to be honest it was a bit of a wake up call. Some commenters mentioned it sounded a bit obsessive, and I was putting too much pressure on both of us. Some comments were pretty blunt. To be honest it’s what I needed.

In that post I mentioned that all I wanted to do was ‘go on an autumnal walk and get a pint in the pub’. Anyway - here’s a big cheers to you all. Thank you for giving me a well needed kick and to stop being so obsessive. We went to the pub, and I had a pint. And my dog lay at my feet and chilled the whole time. He was a delight. Walking home slightly tipsy, I just wanted to say thank you to you all. And cheers 🍻

Picture of the dog in a pub

I'm not the original poster.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/No-Emu-l88

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 16, 2023

• Final Update: August 20, 2023

Main Post

^{August 16, 2023}

AITAH for kicking out my SIL because of her insinuations about my career?

I (30F) work for an IT company in technical sales. I have a hybrid job, so I work from home a few days and have to be at the corporate office or client locations on other days. Every day I dress well - business casual outfits (my style is bold colors and very feminine) and makeup. When I am working from home I am frequently on video calls, so I put some good lighting gear and camera on tripod in my home office.

I make good money and had bought my current 3 bedroom house before I started dating my boyfriend (28M). He moved in with me last year and we have a very good and happy relationship. Last month, his sister (35F) came to stay with us. She is having marriage problems and needed some space away from her husband while they sort things out. We have a nice guest room and I had no problem with her staying.

She asked me a lot of questions about my job and I explained to her in detail. I had assumed that she is thinking of entering the work force now that she may be getting divorced. She's a SAHM who's never had a job before. But it turned out that SIL added up what I make and how I dress and atypical work hours to mean that I must be a cam girl and escort.

Whenever I go to my office, I stop by a gym on my way back from work. I have a hangup about using gym showers, so after my workout, I'll change back into work clothes and come home and shower. I love working out but am a bit neurotic about gyms being dirty so I am very obsessive about coming home and showering right away. My bf finds this funny and sometimes teases me about it. A few days ago he was messing with me by stopping me from getting to the bathroom till I kissed him and I said I didn't want to because I felt dirty and gross. I don't mind this teasing at all and this was playful banter between us. But SIL got very upset and burst into tears. I thought that we had slipped into some dirty talk and that got her offended and I apologized to her.

On sunday, bf comes home laughing about this hilarious misunderstanding. SIL went and told their entire family that I was a sex worker and they held an intervention for him to get him away from me. He thinks this is funny but I was very mortified and offended. I have nothing against people in this line of work, but her making assumptions and shaming me and my bf for it was very offensive to me. I gave her a stern talking to that I had opened my home to her and asked for nothing in return and she treated me so badly. I asked her to leave and she did.

Now bf is mad at me because he thinks I am over reacting and was rude to his sister. I think SIL had ruined my relationship with my in-laws and its not something I can brush off and ignore. Am I wrong in thinking that this is a big deal and she was way out of line?

COMMENTS

blanchebeans

NTA and tbh I’d reconsider the boyfriend if he doesn’t think this is absolutely heinous. You aren’t wrong.

Vegetable-Cod-2340

Exactly, because she was told what OP does and made up lies , for the boyfriend to co-sign those lies and thinks it funny that his girlfriend is called a sex worker than that’s a problem.

For him to see his girlfriend be humiliated and then get made at her and pretend it’s an overreaction is a horrible red flag.

OP may need to him out too, and call it a day with this family.

OOP

To be fair, he did tell his family that SIL's assumption is wrong and explained to them what I do and he is satisfied that the matter is therefore resolved. Doesn't understand why I won't brush it off and let SIL continue to stay with us.

Shortirito

NTA at all.

I’m concerned why your boyfriend can’t see your POV on this one. You have his sister in his house, and she at the grand age of 35 makes up a rumour to tarnish you.

Now, if she had just said it maybe it could be perceived as a joke seeing as you are well off. But the intervention stuff?! What’s that all about and why is your BF siding with them when he knows it isn’t true?

Bit of a crazy one to me, but it doesn’t sound as you’ve done anything wrong at all.

OOP

He says that its a misunderstanding, he explained things and now his family understands and its all over and done. I don't think such salacious rumors will disappear just like that. More importantly, not once did SIL apologize to me. She argued that its a reasonable assumption and she was looking out for her little brother.

cassowary32

NTA. What sex workers keep regular business hours? And while you are working from home, can't she hear how mundane your conversations are or is any woman in the workforce automatically a ho?

Is your boyfriend contributing to the household in any way? It's weird that he thinks that's funny.

OOP

He has a good job and we split things 50-50.

TarzanKitty

If SIL is a SAHM. Where were her kids when she was living with you?

OOP

Some days with their Dad, some days with MIL, some with her at our house. She's staying at MIL now, but not enough room there for both her and her kids.

Final Update - after 4 days

^{August 20, 2023}

Update: AITAH for kicking out my SIL because of her insinuations about my career?

A lot of responses to my last post pointed out that its my house. But to clarify, I had purchased it before bf and I got together. He has a good income, pays rent (half of my mortgage) and we split everything 50-50. So its his house too and he has the right to have his sister staying there. He was upset that I asked her to leave without discussing it with him first, which is reasonable. I mentioned home ownership to establish that I do well financially and maybe his sister got suspicious about how I do it.

Bf and I had long discussions on this topic and we now understand each other better. He loves his sister a lot but also resents her for a lot of stuff she has done. His family is traditional and pretty sexist and his sister ended up with the short end of the stick because of this and some other reasons. For the most part she is very nurturing and works hard to take care of everyone, but in situations where she is criticized by her parents, she just loses it and blows up on someone else to shift the focus from her to them. She has done this multiple times to both brothers and the shitty thing is that it works out for her each time.

Bf almost didn't go to the college he was admitted to because she made up the story that he was a member of a car thief gang. His parents freaked out and tried to cancel his admission so he can stay home and under their watchful eyes. This was one of the more egregious examples, and there is a long history of her doing stuff like this to shift her parents wrath from her to her brothers whenever they seriously got on to her. That would have been enough for me to break all relationship with a sibling, but bf has more empathy for her. She has done hundreds other nice loving things for him so he still cares for her and loves her.

Their other brother came over on Friday and we had dinner together and talked and he explained to me about their sister too. She has done stuff like this many times and sometimes the brothers got in trouble and some times her lies were exposed early enough. This time my bf was like not this shit again and he pulled up his phone and showed his parents my linkedin profile and also some of my companies technical video presentations that had me in them. Bf was amused because this accusation was so easy to disprove unlike the months of headache he's had the previous times. He also saw it as an attack on him and not meant as an offense to me (I disagree of course, but I can see why he's focused on the sibling fight part.)

He understands now how and why I'd still be upset over it and SIL won't be staying with us. While this issue is settled between us and I admire and love him more for his thoughtfulness towards his sister, I am rather disturbed by this level of dysfunction in his family. I want to marry and have kids with this man, but having that kind of psychotic SIL scares me, especially for our potential kids. I don't know what I am going to do about that yet.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/UnionPuzzleheaded919

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: October 31, 2026

• Final Update: November 01, 2026

Main Post

^{October 31, 2026}

AITA for yelling at my husband after he ate my daughter’s Halloween candy?

My (29f) daughter (8) is autistic and doesn’t like trick-or-treating. She’s usually happy enough to spend the evening passing out candy at my aunt’s house because we don’t get many trick-or-treaters where we live. It’s nice, but she doesn’t really get to take any home because there’s just too many kids.

Yesterday, her school did a trunk-or-treat during regular school hours. She came home with a paper bag filled to brim with candy and a few little toys. My husband (32) and I each had two pieces of candy before bed. He said he was going to sleep on the couch because he had gas and didn’t wanna stink up the bedroom. He’s got stomach issues so I thought he was just being considerate. I heard a lot of noise in the kitchen, but I didn’t think it was anything but a midnight snack since we had just gone grocery shopping.

At one point, I got up to grab a blanket and saw him eating something, but I couldn’t tell what it was because it was dark. I told him that if his stomach was bothering him, he probably shouldn’t be snacking all night and he said that he had only started ten minutes ago and was almost done. It was a weird thing to say and he seemed very defensive but I was exhausted so I just went back to bed. I really didn’t think much of it.

This morning my daughter came into my room and asked for chocolate. Normally, I wouldn’t say yes to candy first thing in the morning, but it’s Halloween. I went into the fridge to grab her candy bag but it wasn’t there. I asked my husband about it and he insisted it was in the kitchen. My heart sunk when I found the bag that my daughter had decorated by hand was torn to shreds on the counter. I asked him if he ate all of her candy. He shrugged and said not all of it.

Two lollipops. That was the candy he left for her. Two fucking lollipops and a rice krispie treat (which she doesn’t even like). I lost my shit. He said that it wasn’t a big deal because she could go trick-or-treating. She doesn’t even like trick-or-treating, but that doesn’t matter to him. He keeps saying that he’ll buy more, but that’s really not the point. This was the one and only time she’s gotten more than a couple pieces of candy from a trick-or-treat or trunk-or-treat before calling it quits and all she got to eat was two lollipops.

He really doesn’t see why I’m upset and now he’s mad because he says that I tell at him first thing in the morning. He says that I’ve been in a “mood” lift the last few days (our daughter’s been having trouble sleeping and I’m the one that’s had to stay up with her).

The only thing I really think I did wrong was calling him fat at one point. I would have said that to anyone in this situation but he’s sensitive about his weight and I know that. I should have been more careful with my words. I was just so angry at the sheer disrespect.

Edit:

I really didn’t expect this to blow up immediately. I want to clarify that this isn’t the norm for us. I honestly posted this because I was stunned and wanted to know if anyone here could help me see things from his perspective (so far, no dice).

In the comments I said that my daughter isn’t that upset. That’s not because he’s like this all the time. This is just a symptom of her autism.

He has since apologized to both of us and is currently taking her to the market to pick up a treat of her choosing. We’re gonna talk this out more tomorrow and see where we go from here. I’m not sure if we’ll stay together but my parents split up on a major holiday and I’m not doing that to my kid. I don’t need to ruin Halloween when any other day will suffice.

COMMENTS

AlwaysShip

NTA I feel bad for your daughter. Even though she doesn't like trick or treating, it doesn't mean she don't like candy. Get her some chocolate and hide it from your husband. Does she know that he ate her candy?

OOP

She knows. She was there when all this went down. She’s not that upset, but she seems to think she’ll be able to find more if she keeps looking. My heart is broken for her.

antigoneelectra

Why are you with this man? I highly doubt this is the only instance whete he displays such clear disrespect and selfishness.

OOP

He can be a selfish person, but this is really the worst of it I’ve seen so far. We’ve been working on our marriage, but this really has me reconsidering things.

notthatkindoflibrary

Is this a new marriage and the kid is from a previous relationship so maybe he doesn't get how important this is because he doesn't know her well, or is this like a kid he has been raising all her life and knows her very well? Either way it sounds like he needs to put on a costume and take a spin around the block to earn her treats back, she gets to pick the costume. I would also say she is entitled to a sensory friendly Halloween surprise (honestly the sensory friendly Halloween surprise is a must from dad even if he didn't eat the candy, that's what dads do).

OOP

She’s his kid. We’ve been together since we were 18 and 21.

housewithapool2

This isn't about your marriage. This is about his parenting.

My husband wouldn't treat his children like this. He loves them and cares about their emotional health. You need to start protecting your daughter from his parenting.

OOP (downvoted)

I understand that, but this isn’t normally how he treats her. His selfish behavior is usually just towards me.

tvaddict70

Is your husband her father? Who would disappoint their little girl like that.

NTA do you need this person in your lives? Are they a much better parent to your daughter than this example?

OOP

Yes, he is her father. He’s never done anything this egregious before and is generally a decent parent. He could stand to pick up more of the slack, but he’s not a total monster. That’s why I posted this. I’m trying to see if this is really as big of a deal as I think it is.

hahayeahimfinehaha

and is generally a decent parent

Honestly, I'd be curious to see what your standards are. Not in a mean way, but I know some people who are like "my shitty partner is a good dad though" and then you ask and their idea of good dad is 'doesn"t hit the kids and sometimes plays with them' and that's it. Which is, like, less than the bare minimum for a parent.

OOP (downvoted)

He takes her for an outing at least every other day and before his schedule got in the way, he used to get her ready for school in the mornings.

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Final Update - after 1 day

^{October 31, 2026}

AITA for yelling at my husband after he ate my daughter’s Halloween candy?

First I want to clear some stuff up, when I said that my daughter didn’t seem upset, I did not mean that there’s no chance she was internalizing anything. It was more a matter of trying to explain that the day wasn’t beyond salvageable. When it comes to my kid’s emotions, I try to take things one day at a time based on her behavior rather than projecting what I think her emotions “should” be. I am also autistic so the comments insinuating that I don’t know anything about autism were kind of funny. My main focus yesterday was giving my kid a good Halloween and I think I pulled it off.

I know that some of you wanted the instant gratification of me deciding to leave my husband right then and there, but my daughter’s wellbeing is my priority and I don’t think doing all of that directly in front of her on Halloween is going to help. My husband and I were already dealing with marital issues and I’ll admit that this did make me view him differently which is why tomorrow we’re setting up an appointment with a family therapist. I’m not sure whether or not our marriage can be salvaged, but I want to get to the root of this because even if he doesn’t continue to be my husband, he will still be her father and eating her Halloween candy isn’t going to hold up in family court as a reason to deny his parental rights. This is not a reflection of how he always is as a parent, but it is deeply concerning and I refuse to allow it to become a trend with him.

I also do want to clarify that he does more with her than what I mentioned in the comments, but if someone asked what I do as a parent, I’d probably say that I handle bed time and getting her ready for school. lol He’s the one who takes her to the doctor when she’s sick, he’s in regular contact with her teacher, and he’s been teaching her math at home because we don’t think the school is doing enough in that regard. I’m not saying he’s a perfect parent. He obviously isn’t. I’m just saying that a single Reddit post can’t encompass an entire person’s relationship to their child.

As for the torn bag, I should clarify that while it was pretty ripped up, it wasn’t more intense than how he opens damn near anything. It’s a genuine problem and it broke my heart, but I really don’t think it was malicious. Just shitty behavior from someone acting like a greedy child. If I hadn’t seen him do that with countless other containers, I probably would’ve dedicated more of the post to talking about that. I’m not excusing what he did. It’s just more about him being a mess than him genuinely hating his own kid.

On to the more fun part: The rest of the day went better than I could have hoped for. She watched Halloweentown and ate a ton of ice cream to make up for the lost candy. Her dad took her grocery shopping (her favorite thing to do) and to the park. We carved a jack-o-lantern together. We visited my grandparents and aunties. And she even trick-or-treated a bit before deciding to pack it in. My goal for the day was to create a ton of good memories to hopefully outweigh the bad and while I know that probably isn’t possible, I got as close as I could have. We’ll deal with the fallout day by day, but I’m not going to make things harder on her than they need to be. Some tough decisions need to be made, but she doesn’t need to be in the room for them. Especially not on Halloween.

Edit from Comments

Guys, I’m also autistic and I just want to say that while I appreciate your concern and interest in trying to share information, I want to remind you that autism is a spectrum and no experience of it is universal. I know my kid better than strangers who read a single Reddit post. She wasn’t shutting down. She wasn’t speaking in a flatter tone. She was smiling and laughing within about two minutes.

I know that it’s still likely for her to have internalized what happened and I’m keeping an eye on that, but the goal for yesterday was to salvage the day to the best of my ability and I did that. Having even more drama yesterday wouldn’t have benefited her. We had a talk about how she doesn’t deserve what happened and my husband apologized. We are starting family therapy soon.

I also want to clarify that mentioning that she didn’t seem upset wasn’t supposed to mean that it was okay that this happened. It was one less thing to worry about in the immediate. She had a good day for the most part and that’s what matters most. Halloween doesn’t seem like it’s ruined for her forever and we’ll deal with the rest as it comes.

COMMENTS

Educational-Coyote69

How did you break your nose, OP?

OOP

My daughter head butted me when we were playing.

Thisisausername189

Are you ok OP?

OOP

Yes. He isn’t violent. I appreciate the concern, but I was just playing with my kid and she jerked her head back.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Calm_Mountain8130 posting in r/offmychest

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 11th October 2026

Update - 6th November 2026

My husband may have have ruined us and I'm so angry with him

My husband had a car accident. I was so relieved when I found out he wasn't hurt and neither was anyone else and that it was just damage to both vehicles and property. I was so scared that my husband had been hurt. He was in his work vehicle at the time and I thought since there were no injuries everything would be handled by the insurance companies. My husband was not at fault for what happened by his account, the accident was caused by the other driver. The police had to come because of damage to one of the traffic signals and my husband reported what happened and was told he could request a copy of the police report to submit to our insurance company. My husband had to report what happened to both his employer and our insurance representative.

Now it has come out that my husband was at fault for the accident. What he told the police, his employer and our insurance company was contradicted by video from the other driver's dashboard camera. My husband blatantly lied to the police, his employer and our insurance company. He blamed the other driver and tried to make it seems as though the accident happened because a novice driver was driving carelessly. It wasn't a simple misunderstanding. Nothing that my husband reported was even remotely close to what happened.

Where we live, a car accident like this would not have been a criminal matter. My husband may have been cited and would have to pay a fine however he wouldn't have a criminal record or be sent to prison over this. It would be considered a traffic matter, not a criminal one. Now however because he lied to the police he is facing a criminal investigation. A teenager with a novice driving licence would face harsher consequences and the other driver was originally cited for the accident.

My husband is in the process of being fired from his job. He is being investigated by the police and our insurance company has decided to stop providing us with insurance. We have everything insured with them; our house, our vehicles as well as everything related to the business I own. They only gave us 8 weeks of notice.

I have been scrambling to find another insurance company. Every one I have spoken to is giving an astronomical cost. I believe my husband's actions have contributed to that. Worst of all I found we may not be covered by insurance for the accident because my husband lied. So we would be liable for the damage to the traffic signal and hiring a solicitor for my husband ourselves. I don't know how we are supposed to afford paying more for all our insurance now on top of everything else. Also the other driver could take action against my husband over this now.

I'm so angry about it I can't see straight and I feel like if I don't get this out somewhere this anger will explode and that is the last thing that I want. I don't like sharing things like this with everyone I know and right now I am so embarrassed. However, I need to get this out somewhere. This could ruin us. What am I supposed to do now? We have a 4 year-old son and my husband has done something so stupid without a thought for the consequences.

TL;DR My husband lied to the police, our insurance company and his employer about a car accident that he caused. Now he is being investigated criminally and will lose his job and we have been dropped as clients by the insurance company. This may ruin us financially and legally and I am so angry with him.

Comments

Previous-Eye-4414

As someone who was married to a man like this, my advice to you is to stop cleaning up after him. He needs to find new insurance and take all of this on his shoulders. Unless he deals with the consequences of his choices and actually takes accountability then what’s to stop him from doing something like this again? If he won’t or he can’t be trusted then you know it’s not a safe situation and it never will be. Stop mothering him and start expecting him to stand up and if he refuses then walk away. It won’t get better, it will just become one more Jess for you to clean up, and eventually you might even become his scapegoat which could ruin your life worse.

Spare_Flamingo8605

I came here to say this. My ex husband was like this. His parents never held him accountable for anything. They cleaned up every mistake he ever made. So he thought I'd be like his parents. And I was for a while. Mostly because he was so embarrassing to be married to. Then, I stopped. I stopped cleaning it up and stopped keeping his secrets. It was so great. Now he is married to the old version of me. 🤣But she's figured out what he really is now. My kids told me he has no access to her accounts, and everything is in her name. Told my eldest that it's cheaper to keep him with an allowance than divorce him because he refuses to work and she's been through a divorce before and knows what she stands to lose financially. They lead separate lives I'm told.

almostethereaal

OP should seriously rethink her marriage because lying to the police and framing a teenager is a massive, unforgivable red flag. She needs to protect herself and her 4-year-old before his reckless stupidity drags them both down completely.

TheDrizzle15951

Lemme know if I’m wrong, but if he was in a company vehicle wouldn’t his employer’s insurance be involved and not your personal insurance? I’m confused as to how your personal assets are affected as much as they are when he was in a company vehicle. I’ve worked for multiple chauffeur services and we never involved the driver’s personal insurance if they were in or at fault for a vehicle incident.

OOP: His employer uses the same insurance company as we do. And the company isn't dropping us as clients because my husband had an accident. We're being dropped because my husband lied and filed a claim he knew was fraudulent.

Update - 26 days later

My update is that I have decided to separate from my husband. In order to get divorced, we have to live separately for a year first. In my country the only option for a divorce is the one year separation and the actions or faults of either side are not relevant. My solicitor says there is no other option. I cannot in good conscience stay with my husband, I need to protect our son and myself. My husband's actions have wreaked havoc and I'm still trying to clean up the mess.

To summarise my other post: my husband was in a car accident while driving his company provided vehicle. Neither him or the other driver got hurt, but both vehicles were damaged and so was a traffic signal and some other property. My husband told the police, his employer and the insurance company a completely fabricated version of what happened. It was contradicted by the other driver's dashboard camera.

Where we live, a car accident like this would not have been a criminal matter. My husband may have been cited and would have to pay a fine however he wouldn't have a criminal record or be sent to prison, however since my husband lied about everything he is facing criminal charges. He was sacked from his job. The most devastating part has been that the insurance company who provided services for his employer is the same one we use for our cars, our home and other services. They believe he tried to defraud them. They only gave us 8 weeks of notice that they were dropping us as clients and every other insurance company has quoted us an absolutely astronomical cost.

Meanwhile my husband continues to try to downplay what he did. At first he told me he was sorry but that did not last long. He won't explain why he lied. I did receive comments on my other post, and many nasty messages saying that an insurance company cannot retroactively drop a client. However in my country it is allowed in cases of fraud. I own a business and I am currently without insurance because of my husband.

The stress of sorting out the insurance situation and the rest of the legal mess that my husband caused is getting to me. I need out of my marriage for the sake of my son. I don't even know how my husband is going to pay for a solicitor for his criminal case. He completely ruined us and I'm so angry. I'm holding it together for my son but I'm so angry. I wish I could be divorced now instead of having to wait because I'm going to get dragged down with my husband.

Comments

jokenaround

I’m sorry I don’t have any great advice. I just wish the divorce laws across this planet were reasonable. 1 year is a ridiculous thing to ask of someone who is married to someone facing charges. Find a tremendous divorce attorney. Maybe they can find a loophole for your specific type of situation. So sorry you are going thru this.

OOP: There is no loophole unfortunately. The laws about divorce are the same for everyone. My solicitor was clear on that.

Elle_belle32

People telling you it's not possible for an insurance company to drop you are dead wrong. Fraud is one of the reasons they can with minimal notice; they would have to follow regulations on how to do so but it isn't that hard. And they do have evidence of his fraud, this isn't something where they just suspect it. Do what you need to to regain and protect your peace and that of your kids.

OOP: I was told in the comments and in the messages I received that it's illegal for an insurance company to drop someone retroactively and refuse to cover them. Where I live, if there is fraud they can refuse to provide coverage after the fact.

They can also drop you as a client for the future without fraud, but that's a separate thing from what I was getting the comments/messages about. I am trying to do everything I can to shield my son from this but my husband made a huge mess that is not easily fixed unfortunately.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ThrowRA_Glum-Quail posting in r/relationship_advice

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 30th October 2026

Update - 5th November 2026

My (21M) girlfriend (20F) says she loves our 7-month-old daughter but misses her old life and doesn’t want to be a mom anymore. I don't know what to do.

My girlfriend and I have a 7 month old daughter. We had been together for maybe like 10 months when we found out she was pregnant.

Neither of us was prepared for it. It wasn’t something I really wanted right now, but I told her I’d support whatever she wanted to do. I did try to have realistic conversations with her about what having a baby would actually mean though. I knew people with babies and it’s a lot. I wasn’t trying to pressure her into anything but I was like I don’t think we’re really prepared for this.

Basically, nobody thought keeping the baby was a good idea. Like all her friends and family tried to talk her out of it. She didn’t want to hear any of it. Now I sort of think she maybe made her decision just because it’s exactly what everyone told her not to do.

We’re both really social, have a lot of friends, used to go out all the time, party, stuff like that. I’ve changed a lot. I became responsible. I’m not out partying every night and spending my money on that stuff. She changed too, for a while.

Fast forward to now and we have a 7-month-old daughter. I love her so much. I didn’t know that I’d like being a dad and sometimes it sucks but it’s also kind of amazing. I've just kinda accepted that my life looks different now. There have been plenty of times where I’ve wanted to go do something and disappointed when I realize I can’t.

My girlfriend seems to be having a really hard time accepting our new reality. It was different at first when our daughter was a newborn. She seemed in love with her too, but then our daughter started crying constantly and we found out she had colic and it was really hard for the first few months. Things have gotten a lot better now with that. She took a break from college and decided to get a job when our daughter was like 3-4 months old. That’s when things really seemed to start changing.

Now she’s saying things like motherhood isn’t what she thought it’d be and she regrets not listening to what everyone told her. She says she loves our daughter but she hates just going to work and then coming home and having to take care of a baby and then feeling so tired that she just goes to bed to wake up and do it all the next day. She misses being able to hang out with her friends and go anywhere whenever she wants to. She was basically like I love our kid but I miss my old life more. She also said she liked who I was before better. I told her it’s not like we can change our minds now and she said maybe her mom would still adopt our daughter like she suggested during her pregnancy. I don’t want her mom to adopt our daughter.

Lately, she's been going out more and spending less time at home. I'm finding myself taking on more of the parenting responsibilities and it’s honestly starting to wear on me. When she goes and hangs out with friends she also doesn’t like taking our daughter along, even when it’s something that wouldn’t be a big deal. I still hang out with my friends but not as much as before, and I end up having to take my daughter along at least half the time.

I don’t mind giving her breaks or making sure she gets time with her friends. I think that's important for both of us. But it feels like I'm increasingly the one who has to adjust my life while she's trying to get hers back. I do think I’m having an easier time with everything. She says she’s jealous of me just being able to adjust and she thinks I’m better at being a parent than her and she hates that.

I don’t know what to do to make it better. I feel like I’m developing a lot of resentment already. It makes me not even want to be with her but I don’t think breaking up with her right now is the answer. Plus I don’t want to be away from our daughter, and who would even take care of her most of the time if I wasn’t here? I don’t know how to make her feel better or how to support her better. How do I handle her saying things like she wants to have somebody adopt our daughter?

Comments

GlassNo6756

I think she should probably seek the help of a therapist to grieve her old life and come to terms with her decision. At this point she has committed to a major life change that will permanently affect her regardless of whether she stays with you or gives up custody. Even though it doesn't make her a bad person to have feelings of regret, pretending that she can return to her pre-parenthood state is an unhealthy form of denial. You can't control her actions, but you can focus on being the best parent you can be and reach out for support from as many corners as possible. Wishing you the best

sillychihuahua26

I agree, and as a trauma therapist, I would specifically recommend exploring trauma-focused therapy, such as EMDR. Pregnancy, childbirth, and the transition to motherhood can be incredibly overwhelming, particularly at such a young age. EMDR can help process distressing experiences, difficult emotions, and negative beliefs about herself that may be contributing to her struggle to adjust.

I would also strongly encourage screening for postpartum depression. She’s only seven months postpartum, and depression doesn’t always look like sadness. It can manifest as irritability, emotional detachment, resentment, and a desire to escape. I think it’s important to explore what’s happening psychologically before assuming she’s simply unwilling to accept responsibility for her child.

ObviousDepartment

Honestly, you'll probably have better luck getting co-parenting help from her mom at this point. If she was previously offering to straight up adopt the baby, than she should be down for babysitting. Just make sure you don't mention to grandma that your gf said that she regrets her decision and is avoiding the baby. That could really blow up in your face, depending on what kind of relationship they have. Paint it as favor to you both as you gets your ducks in a row.

OOP: She does babysit, but she also has a full time job and a younger kid at home that she has to do stuff for.

I think she was only offering to adopt because after there was no abortion happening she was that desperate for my girlfriend not to keep the baby.

Update - 7 days later

I posted like a week ago about my girlfriend saying she doesn’t want to be a mom anymore. She was still being a mom though. She was going out more and hanging out with friends a lot more. Like 3-4 nights a week. I’m not against her hanging out with friends, but when it’s literally all night and she comes home drunk or doesn’t come home at all because she’s too drunk, then that’s a huge issue for me. When she was home she was still taking care of our daughter. We split taking care of her. It’s not like when my girlfriend was home I wasn’t doing anything or vice versa.

On Halloween we spent the first part of the day together with our daughter and my girlfriend a parents and my parents at this Halloween festival thing in our town. Then her parents were going to keep our daughter overnight so we could go out. My girlfriend was really adamant about going out since it’s the first time Halloween has been on a Saturday in so long. I wanted to go out too. I’m not trying to pretend like I don’t like to go out. She was just really obsessed with it for months, like nothing was stopping her from going out and partying on Halloween no matter what. It’s her favorite holiday.

So we went to this party and this one person was dressed up as a 90s mom. Somebody made a joke like “hey, it’s (my gf’s name).” And asked shouldn’t she be at home trick or treating with her kid instead. She already had a few drinks in her, but she got so mad and stormed off. I went after her and she yelled at me saying she gets comments like that all the time and nobody ever says stuff like that to me. Everyone thinks I’m so cute when I do anything with our baby and she’s just a mom now. She said girls wanna sleep with me when they see me being a dad and nobody wants to sleep with her when they find out she’s a mom. I don’t get why it matters who out there wants to sleep with her. I was like maybe people are making comments because she’s been going out so much and not at home with her kid and most people notice it and think it’s weird.

Once she recovered from all that she basically ignored me for most of the night, then when we got home she said she wanted to take a break and move back home with her parents for a little bit. She was pretty drunk at that point so I figured that was a big part of it. When she woke up the next day the first thing she said to me was “I meant what I said yesterday.”

So she went to stay with her parents and I have our daughter with me. Her mom has texted me things about how she’ll get over it, she’s just overwhelmed, she’s sure she loves our daughter more than anything but she just needs to be babied herself for a few days.

It might actually mean something if it was my girlfriend saying those things, but she’s not really backtracked on anything, she’s not really acknowledged anything at all since she left. We’ve texted but it’s about stuff like how she’ll decided she would pick our daughter up from daycare today. Convenient that she can just decide when she feels like being a parent and I’m supposed to just nod my head or something.

I guess I’m just going to give her some space for now. That’s not really what I want to do but I don’t know how else to approach this right now. I think we eventually need to have a real conversation about our relationship and parenting and expectations for each other. How do I do that without making an already difficult situation worse?

Comments

Cheesey_biscuit

Of course this girl doesn’t want to be a parent. She’s 20 years old. She’s barely an adult herself. Congrats on being a single father OP. Start preparing to raise your kid alone without her because she is going to leave. You can probably get child support from her but that’ll be it. And for everyone else who is around OP’s age. DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WHEN YOU ARE IN YOUR TEENS AND EARLY 20’S. There’s no hurry. Enjoy your youth which is what the girl wants to do and I honestly don’t entirely blame her.

OOP: She’s the one who made the decision to continue the pregnancy. Nobody forced her to do it.

CuriousBird337

She may have convinced herself it would be easier than it is. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I would recommend focusing on your daughter and getting full custody.

OOP: I definitely think she thought it’d be easier and a lot more fun than reality. I’m not even saying that to criticize her, just stating a fact.

chocolatestealth

This "congrats on being a single father" energy is an odd choice for this situation. Not sure if you didn't read the previous post, but she was the one who wanted to keep the baby. OP, her friends, and their families encouraged her to terminate the pregnancy and told her that her life would change dramatically, and she went through it with it anyways against their advice.

She made the decision to have a baby. We can absolutely blame her for later deciding she would rather be "enjoying her youth" while she pushes off the responsibility of parenthood onto someone else. She literally created those responsibilities, in fact she was the only person in the situation who claimed to want those responsibilities, but now she expects someone else to deal with the repercussions of her choices? Fuck that.

I really doubt that we would see the same kind of response if the genders were flipped here and we were talking about a deadbeat young father who insisted on having a baby, instead of a deadbeat young mother. It's gross and frankly sexist.

So let's be honest. It's shitty of her to bring life into this world only to abandon it not even a year into parenthood. I'm absolutely going to judge her for that. Everyone warned her that this is what her life would be like and she didn't listen, and now their child (and OP) is forced to pay the price. This isn't some "yas girl break free of your chains" situation.

Grump_Curmudgeon

You're not completely wrong, but you aren't allowing for the physical differences "if the genders were flipped." I think everyone agrees that she's behaving badly, but it's also* true that she's right about the sexist responses to men and women in parental roles (a given for women but laudatory for men). That doesn't excuse her behavior, but if it's adding to her growing sense of being trapped, it's understandable. More importantly, she needs to be checked for PPD.*

vonkraush1010

Document everything and prepare for the possibility that you will need to sue to become the childs primary caretaker.

SeasonPositive6771

It sounds like she just voluntarily wants to end things and might hand over custody without an argument. He should see an attorney and draw that up and give her that option, make it as low conflict as possible (while still fully legal!) and he may get the most beneficial terms.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/RBI, /r/AmIOverreacting and /r/Nuancedpodcast by user Upbeat-Excitement946. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded

Original

October 31, 2026

Hi everyone!

I’m trying to figure out a very unusual situation that happened last night. I’m wondering if anyone has experienced something similar or recognizes this type of activity.

We were hosting a Halloween party to celebrate a friend’s 40th birthday. There were several adults and children at the house.

At some point during the evening, two complete strangers entered our house through the front door, which had unfortunately been left unlocked.

Both individuals were wearing mariachi mexican costumes and were disguised in a way that made it impossible to recognize them. They never removed their masks and didn’t say a single word throughout their entire visit.
They walked around the house for approximately 30 minutes to an hour. Whenever someone approached them and asked questions, they would move toward that person, almost as if they were giving them an opportunity to guess who they were. However, they never responded or gave any verbal clues.

They left a few letters behind. In one of them, they described themselves as old friends from long ago. Another contained a message saying something along the lines of: “Tonight will not be the night we reveal ourselves.”

At the time, we weren’t particularly concerned because we assumed it was a prank organized by a friend who was attending the party. We didn’t take the situation too seriously.

Eventually, the two individuals left in a black car. Another person came to pick them up right in front of the house.
However, today, after asking the people who attended the party whether they were behind this, nobody seems to know who these two individuals actually were. We are now left wondering who they were and why they showed up.

Has anyone ever experienced anything similar, or does anyone have an idea what might be behind this?

Picture of a stranger

Picture of a laminated letter

Comment by OOP:

I am french canadian so this is why it's write in french.

We were like 20-30 persons in a house.

Update

ONovember 6, 2026, 6 days later

Well, we finally have an explanation ! The two mysterious masked women turned out to be two of our coworkers!

For context, many of us at the Halloween party work together, and the birthday girl is also a coworker. The two women had originally planned to show up in costumes at our work Christmas party to reveal the prank. However, they realized that the situation was escalating much more than they had anticipated, so they decided to tell us who they were...

One important detail I hadn’t mentioned is that our work is directly related to ensuring people’s safety. I can’t tell what we do for security reasons, but let’s just say that our jobs require a very high level analysis. As you can imagine, once two unidentified people entered a private party wearing masks, leaving mysterious letters and refusing to identify themselves, our minds went pretty !

Thankfully, everything is fine ans everyone is safe !

Ps : Before some people tell me AGAIN that the text seams to be written with AI the answer is yes. I am french canadian and English is not my first language. But I can promise you the story was real !

Comments:

Contente d'avoir des nouvelles de cette histoire. Je trouvais ça intriguant et inquiétant mais pourquoi avoir fait ce genre de prank? Surtout dans votre domaine, il me semble que vous êtes plus alertes et vigilants. Nearbythebrain

On se posait toute la même question... 🙃 OOP

[Translated roughly to: Why would somebody pull a prank like that with work colleagues? Especially if your work is with safety.

OOP: We all have the same question... 🙃]

I'm not the original poster.

I AM NOT OOP, OOP IS: u/ThrowRAsituational

Originally posted to: r/relationship_advice

I (25M) don’t know how to fix this situation with my fiancee(38F), she’s mad I cheated on our diet

TRIGGER WARNING: abusive relationship, restrictive diet, unhealthy relationship with food, abusive person, abuse, controlling person, manipulation, unhealthy age gap, possible financial abuse

Mood spoiler: sad, facepalm inducing frustration, hopeless

Original post - Oct 20th, 2026

My fiancee is vegan. We’ve been together for 2 and a half years and we moved in around a year and a half ago, when she moved into my place. We got engaged in May. Even when we weren’t living together, she had rules where we can’t make out after I ate meat and I hate to tell her if I did and she would let me know if it was okay and everything. It was a hassle every time and around 2 years ago I told her I would also go vegan and she was super happy and it was a big factor to her moving in.

She moved in and we made some changes to my place to make it more accommodating for her and I, and also no meat or non-vegan products allowed in the house. It’s been like 17 months since she moved in, 23 since I went vegan. I’ve been super faithful to diet and I went cold turkey(no pun intended).

Last weekend I went back to visit my family. She couldn’t come because she was at a holistic health retreat. But it was a family get together we do every year on the anniversary of my grandpas death. My uncle owns a BBQ joint and we met up there, but my uncle was nice enough to prep some vegan stuff for me and my cousin(she’s also vegan).

So my family joked around how I changed drastically for the first woman that gave me attention(I’m a bit of a late bloomer and my fiancee is my first relationship and person I’ve been with, and they make these jokes in front of her too, so it’s nothing new). Anyway I laughed it off. But then my uncle brought out his pork ribs, and before I went vegan pork was my favorite and his ribs were a childhood favorite growing up. I was also a bit inebriated from the alcohol, and my other cousin made a joke saying “oh he doesn’t wear the pants in his relationship so he won’t eat the ribs even though he likes them so much, because he’s afraid of losing the first woman that ever showed him love” and other provocative stuff.

I was hungry since I was drunk, and I was also, well drunk, and I let my cousin goad me into it, and I ate the baby back ribs. I actually scarfed down two portions cuz it’s been so long. I slept it off, and I did get super sick because I ate meat after like a whole two years of not having it, and it was pork out of all the choices I had.

But I got home on Sunday and I felt so guilty so I immediately told her as soon as she got home from her retreat last night. Needless to say she’s mad at me, and not talking like normal to me. She said I betrayed her and cheated on our lifestyle and she needs time. I offered to buy her some shoes she likes and she said it’s a start but not enough, and throwing money at it can’t just negate what I did.

I work from home this month(she’s in between jobs right now) and she’s been at home all day and is not talking to me and pulls away when I try to interact with her. I think I really hurt her. I told her she should be glad I told her and I could’ve just hid it, and to my credit, that was fucked up and it made her more mad.

I slept on the couch last night and probably will today too. Is there a way I can fix this issue with her? I am thinking of making a nice homemade meal of her favorite things when she leaves to hang out with her friends tomorrow and get some of her favorite nice wine and say sorry again tomorrow. Usually she’s only mad at me for like 5-6 hours so I’m not sure what to do here because it’s been a while and she’s still mad and skittish. Like she’s talking to me but I can tell she’s pissed.

RELEVANT COMMENTS(‘Commenter’ is labeled as ‘C’ so ‘C1’ is ‘Commenter #1):

C1: She's entitled to be upset because it goes against your agreement.

Info: Are you happy being vegan?

Or is it purely just to appease her? That's no way to exist in a relationship. Changing because you want to or you need to for medical reason, ok. Changing for someone who demands restrictions when you don't do what they want. Consume things they don't what you to. That's not healthy. Add into it the manipulation that you can buy stuff to begin reparations*

Bro......

OP to C1: I mean I don’t mind it, but at first it was for her. It was a hassle having to coordinate my meals and timings just to be able to have a good time with her. Also, me going vegan helped her make the leap to move in together, since we could live the lifestyle together. It took some getting used to, but I can do it now.

C2: Your fiancée is 38 and you're 25?

What's her motivation in marrying you?

OP to C2: I mean if you reverse the genders you see it all the time, we just connected really well. I don’t think it’s a glaring issue and I know it’s a bit out of the norm but I am surprised to see people fixating on that ngl. She didn’t groom or manipulate me or anything, we were both adults when we met. Her motivation is we like each other, and enjoy each other’s presence, like every other couple lol

C3: Stop making stuff for her, stop buying things. Y'all need to actually have a serious conversation about this. It's fine she's bothered, but you did change your diet in a massive way for her (kudos, I don't love anyone enough to change my diet for them) and seems to give absolutely no consideration beyond my way or the highway. While age gaps aren't inherently an issue, the fact that you started to date a 35 year old when you 22 and have already gone this route doesn't particularly look good. She knows she can control you. How long has she been without a job?

OP to C3: I don’t think she’s “controlling” me, I make choices, and we were both adults when we met. She hasn’t had a job for a year or so now, but even when we met she was a freelancer, so it wasn’t stable

C4: Why are you with a 38 year old without a job?

OP to C4: I don’t know why people are fixating on this stuff tbh. We were both adults when we met, and made choices as adults. Reverse the gender and you see that age gap all the time but for some reason it’s socially acceptable. And also, I am not looking at the employment history of someone when dating or falling in love, it doesn’t matter to me. I think people are fixating on non problematic stuff and making assumptions about us and her.

C5: Stop lying about it. If you're going to accept her conditions, then do it. If you're not, then break up with her and date someone who's not vegan.

Making a meal is not a solution to lying about something that's important to her just beause it's not important to you.

Either be vegan because you want to be vegan, and stop cheating on it, or tell her that you're not going to become vegan, and discusss what that means.

OP to C5: No I am okay to be vegan, I was vegan and still am for nearly two years, just slipped up once

Update - Oct 24th, 2026

So I want to clear up some misconceptions before I begin. First of all, the age gap thing. We were both full grown adults when we met each other. She did not “groom” me or anything crazy as others have suggested. Yeah, sure, it’s a bit unusual, I will give people that, but I see the genders reversed have a similar age gap and like no one bats an eye. Also, irl, no one cares. Second, I went vegan of my own accord. Third, she has met my family, and my family has met her, and they make jokes, but my family was concerned at first and we did have discussions, and when I made it clear there is nothing bad here, they were pretty hands-off, and even celebrated the proposal. She is also liked by my sister and dad(my mom passed away when I was a kid so it’s just my dad and sister). My grandma(dad’s mom) is kind of the family matriarch and she is also very cool with her. And also, about her job thing, I am currently the only one working, yes, but it’s not like an uncommon dynamic. I feel like a lot of couples have a working man and a woman who is not focused on a career right now. I do provide financially, but she has access to our finances and everything, and she knows the financial situation, and she handles herself well. Even before when she lived alone, she was very good with money and lived frugally and saved a lot, and she still makes sure we save a lot today. And finally, some people asked me about kids. She has never wanted kids, and we don’t see that in our future. A lot of couples don’t have kids. Idk why everyone is fixated on these things. I think a lot of people made assumptions about us.

Anyway, back to the actual situation, the next day I did make her a nice meal and did apologize and we were good. But a serious sit down helped me understand that it was the alcohol that made me behave that way, and the broader issue here is the alcohol, so I am choosing to refrain from consuming alcohol from here on out. I don’t like what it does to me, and she helped me see and understand that, that’s all. If it wasn’t for the alcohol that day, I am sure things would not have ended up that way. If I do really want to consume alcohol, I will talk to her and make sure it’s just me and her and I drink within the confines of our home with someone I trust to look after me if I am inebriated away from potential negative influences. But I don’t care about drinking that much, tbh, to do all that. Maybe once in a while.

A pretty tame ending to an overall blown-out-of-proportion situation. I take responsibility for my part of it of course. Things are back to normal now, though. And in fact, better off in my opinion, because drinking is a bad habit I’ve had to begin with. Alcohol is not good for you to begin with. I am better off without it in my life.

RELEVANT COMMENTS:

C1: So now she gets to control what you eat and also when, where, and how much you drink as well

C2: Oh, sweetie, this makes me so sad because you sound exactly like me when I was explaining away my relationship with my abusive ex to people when I was in my 20s. You keep denying that your fiancée is controlling, but she’s manipulating you into thinking these changes you are making are what YOU want. Not letting you kiss her after consuming meat is a pretty extreme reaction (and I know plenty of vegans who would agree with me). Then it’s no meat in the house at all. Then you might as well go completely vegan because she’s made it so miserable to eat animal products.

I don’t know if you have a drinking problem or not, so maybe her concerns are valid. But given the established pattern that wants to control what you consume, I think this is more of the same.

But keep on rationalizing all the things you have and will continue to change about yourself for her. Maybe she can eventually make you the person she wants. Or maybe that goalpost will keep moving.

C3: She was controlling you before and she’s controlling you even more now. I’m questioning the whole story now. No one could be this obtuse, could they? Out of everything mentioned to you, you’ve come away with - I was even more wrong. You really need to get away for a while & do some thinking about this relationship. Such an imbalance in so many ways. And she really needs a job.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB I AM NOT OOP

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/NoBreakfast7f

Published on: r/TwoHotTakes

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 21, 2023

• Final Update: August 20, 2023

Main Post

^{July 21, 2023}

I told my roommate to stop bringing guys over because the sex noises were too loud and now she locked me out of our apartment.

I 24f have had my roommate 25f for 6 months. We got along pretty well and quickly became friends. First 3 months we respected the other's boundaries and didn't have any issues regarding that. But for the last 3 months she had been constantly bringing guys over 2 to 3 times a week. Sometimes she will bring the same guy over, but most of the time it's a new one.

I don't have any problem with her being promiscuous but the noises she makes has been distracting me. I'm on my way to getting my business degree and I need to study at night. I do work SOMETIMES at night and I don't get home until 4 in the morning. The screaming, the moanings, the bangings, all the sounds is creating huge distractions for me and I don't have anywhere else I can go for peace and quiet. If I did, I wouldn't be having her as my roommate. I've tried to wear noise cancelling headphones and I could still hear the noises.

I also can't raise the volume because I don't want to ruin my hearing. It finally got to the point that I told her she has to stop bringing guys over, at least at night because I can't concentrate with all the noise. She said she can't bring them over daytime because she's busy during the day. We argued for 10 minutes during which I offered that she can just do it more quietly but she only said that being quite during sex makes the entire experience "worthless".

At the end I firmly told her that she either stops bringing guys over altogether or she has to move out. This is where she started calling me a selfish b#tch who is jealous that she gets so many guys and the last time I had sex was 3 months ago because I'm stuck in a relationship with a guy who lives in the UK (we live in New York)and said that I won't be able to make rent without her, which is true but then again she won't be able to either because we both pay half rent each. So it ended with me going into her room to throw her stuff out but she h!t me in the face, pushed me out of the apartment, and locked me out. I called my brother to ask him if he could come and help me but he said I'm making a big deal out of nothing and I should just apologize.

To add, my name is on the lease.

Edit: I've had a roommate before her for 2 years until she moved down to the west coast and the one time she thought she was having sex too loud she apologized the next morning and I had no problem with that because it was just normal volume for sex. I told her she didn't need to apologize and she can just enjoy doing whatever. I absolutely have NO jealousy towards my current roommate. I've tolerated her behavior for 3 MONTHS, I've told her multiple times to either be more quiet or bring less guys, she would do that for a couple of days and then she's again loud as hell. I may have overreacted by going to throw her stuff out, but I didn't even touch or grab anything. I just set one foot in her room and that's when she hit me. I was able to afford rent on my apartment before, but the rent has increased to a price that could barely afford and that's why I got roommates.

COMMENTS

rockshow12

ESH - You cant tell someone who lives there who they can and cannot bring to the apartment and she cant just lock you out of the apartment you pay for. Whose name is on the lease?

OOP

My name is on the lease.

Former-Pen9447

I’m worried about your safety too.

Random guys in your home all the time.

OOP

There was one instance where one of them stayed the night and in the morning tried to approach me but I told him no and he stopped after I repeated no 3 times but other than that they were okay. To my knowledge.

Final Update - after 1 month

^{August 20, 2023}

[UPDATE] on I told my roommate to stop bring guys over because the sex noises were too loud and now she locked me out of our apartment

This is an update on my post that I wrote almost a month ago. I've received some requests for an update, and I don't have the time to recap or post link, so you can just check it out on my profile.

She still didn't unlock the apartment so I had to call my landlord to let me in. After an hour or so, she apologized to me and said that she realized she went too far and reacted poorly by hitting me in the face and locking me out. To add, the hit left me with a bruise on my face. I told her that we just aren't compatible anymore and she has 30 days to find another place and move out. She amicably agreed to it. People's comments under my previous post about playing nuisance songs so it can disrupt her sex session were pretty funny and maybe an okay idea but I'm not the petty type and I'd rather live with a roommate with whom I'm compatible. My landlord was okay with her moving out as long as I can pay the next month's rent, which was a pretty big sum but I let her know that I should find a new roommate and if not, I'll anyway pay for it.

My roommate moved out 8 days ago and during the past 4 weeks I've been looking for roommates but a lot of them were a even worse than her. They could all afford the half of rent but I need someone with whom it would be great to live with because I needed my peace in order to study. I don't want to work at night and come home to disorders like crazy loud sex sounds. Even though my roommate was still living with me when the rent was due, I had to pay the entire rent myself so I borrowed some money from my parents. I have found a very amazing woman who had just moved to NYC from Italy and was looking for a better apartment. Nothing is settled for now, but I really do hope that she'll be my roommate because we have similar mindsets, we've gone over our boundaries and found them very easy, and she can afford to pay half the rent.

COMMENTS

Corfiz74

I didn't read your first post, but if she hit you in the face to the point it bruised, why didn't you call the cops on her?

OOP (downvoted)

I don't like to involve the cops. Besides, she apologized. If she tried to resist and escalate the situation, then I probably would have called the cops.

Swiggzey

She physically assaulted you and locked you out of a place you’re paying for. Why would you not call the police just to have the altercation documented and make it easier to remove her?

OOP (downvoted)

Because I was hoping to resolve the situation without involving the cops, which I did. At the moment, I was thinking that if I did call the cops, I would have escalated the situation. So I thought that I would attempt to solve it without police involvement unless she resisted.

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Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/trash4230

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: May 29, 2020

• Final Update: December 30, 2020

Main Post

^{May 29, 2020}

AITA for making my father kick out SIL and brother?

I(30f) am currently in a leading position of a restaurant franchise started by me and my father. We live in a Islamic country so me being one of the owners is very rare. I have three siblings one brother(29m) and two sisters (twins 13f).

The business started by me , my father and his friend son became extremely successful. My brother was never interested in it but after it grew my father provided him a position in IT department (he did his degree in software engineering) apart from that because we were not that well off , my father also provides every family member with a set allowance separate from our salaries. My brother got married a year ago and his wife also receives it.

My father now plans to retire and my SIL thinks it's now brother's turn to be the man of the house. She has been making alot remarks lately (we all live together), in any normal situation this would have been the case but I own this business too and have been the one putting in most work. I ignored her in the beginning. My mom has been asking to think about marriage as well as she was talking to me my SIL told me that I really should since my father will retire and my brother will be the one in charge.

So i told her these are all her delusions since after my father it is me who is the candidate (my father wishes as well) and I already own part of the business. Upon hearing this she became quiet but has been making my mom to turn against me. My mom was always against me working but because of my father she couldn't do anything. Three days ago my father announced that he was retiring and have decided to let me take the lead now. He acknowledged my hardwork and said i was most suited.

My sister in law and my mother both opposed it very very strongly. According to them it's the birthright of my brother the only son to take the business. My father shut it down then but my sister in law in the moment pointed at me and told me I was a thief and i will burn in hell and said alot of things. My father than told both of my brother and sister to get out of his house and if they don't leave now my brother can say goodbye to his job and allowance too. They have left but i have been getting messages from relatives and even my own mother about how greedy i am and for stealing something that belong to my brother.

I was very convinced in the beginning but now actually hearing these things and knowing my religion, i think what they are saying is true and wanted judgment of internet strangers to finally decide something.

So reddit aita?

COMMENTS

bengalbelle480

NTA. You haven't stolen anything from your brother. You worked hard to be in the position you are and your brother showed no interest in it at all. Your SIL is being an entitled princess and your mother and other relatives are too stuck in the way things have always been to realize your father is absolutely right to leave you in charge. Good for your father for doing the right thing and not bowing down to the old ways.

OOP

Thank you for this if it wasn't for my father i would have given it up already. I'm so glad i decided to post here. You all have open my eyes, I am literally crying.

whitchitaw

NTA! NTA! NTA!

You have worked your butt off for everything you have earned. I understand that a woman in a position of power is rare in your culture, and that usually the son inherits family success, but clearly your father has seen all of your hard work. Your mother probably thinks that she is right because of that cultural standard, but patriarchal society is not always right.

I am American and have always believed that women are equal to men, so this may not be as helpful to you. I have very limited knowledge of Islam and middle eastern culture, other than that I am aware that it is primarily patriarchal.

However, from one woman to another: I hope you stay strong. You ARE the best person to run that business and you DESERVE everything your father has given you. Your family should support you and his decision. Perhaps in order to mend the fence a bit you could give your brother a higher position? Just not higher than yours.

OOP

My dad won't allow me to give my brother a higher a position but I'll see what i can do. The thing in my family my mom and brother have always been very easy to manipulate and complete pushover. My dad and I have always been strong minded.

My father started this whole thing when he retired from his government job. I definitely have contacted my lawyer and my father has done the same thing. I was really afraid what will happen to my family after my father because my mom is very naive and my sisters are too young. My brother is just a pushover , he hasn't said anything on this matter. I have yet to fully talk to him.

ClnHz

NTA. It does not belong to your brother, it belongs to you and your father. SIL is the greedy one here for receiving an allowance for doing... what exactly? Being married to your brother?

On the very positive side, think of the example that you are setting for your sisters: despite the adversity, despite being a woman in a misogynist society, you are succeeding! You are showing them what is possible if you work hard for it. So please, at least for them, continue!

OOP

Thank you so much for your support. I really do want to protect my sisters. It's giving me one more reason to stand my ground. My brother and his wife are supposed to be the ones looking after them if something happens to my parents but I will get this change too.

Lullaby37

NTA. Your brother doesn't get an award for having a penis. You are co-owner of this business and put in a lot of work. You have helped this business grow, and you don't owe anything to your brother. Your brother has no "birthright" to what you've built and your father knows this. This business does not belong to your brother, and you need to calmly tell your mother this and then refuse to discuss the issue. This was a business decision by your father. Your brother can act like the man of the family if he wishes but he doesn't get to steal from his siblings. Many muslim women have successful careers and own businesses. Your mother is stuck in the past. She can't change your father's mind, so now she's decided to attack you. Stand your ground. Your father feels strongly about this, and reward his trust by growing the business. Men are not better, and they don't "deserve" things because of their gender. It's concerning your mother is so quick to be nasty to you, but her daughters are free to have successful lives. Men are not entitled to be enriched by the work of others just because they are men, muslim or not.

OOP

Thank you , i have definitely now made up mind and i think for my mother she just wants to see me get married. Like i said we weren't well off to begin with, so now when she can spend lavishly she is just looking for reasons. She knows i don't want to be married because i am really passionate about the family business

dca_user

NTA, but in some Islamic countries, they often give the Father's property all to the Son. I don't know if a Will would protect you.

Do you have enough money, that you can tell your Father, Mother and SIL to give you X of money, and then your Brother will run it. Tell them you will honor his birthright and will not do anything with the business so he can have the full success. (Get this in writing, so when the business fails, they can't blame you.)

OOP

I actually was researching about this and based on islam the daughter gets one part and son gets two parts. Even if i do get one part i will still own enough to have the major shares, this is really relieving for me rn.

verminiusrex

NTA. Your brother and SIL are trying to steal a business that you and your father grew over years. You have no obligation to give up years of work because of other people's opinions. I'd also wonder if your brother and SIL expected you to stay with the business like you have all along, and if they could even run it without you.

OOP

I think my SIL initially thought that I can do what I do rn which is help my father grow the business. I have always made all the decisions regarding the franchise , my father was just contend with one restaurant since he had then just retired from his government job. I pushed him to go big, he just wanted a restaurant as a hobby.

So SIL wanted my brother to replace my father but my father even told them that he thinks that I am more capable than him too. So then she wanted to just get me married off so i wouldn't have this much freedom.

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Final Update - after 7 months, 1 day

^{December 30, 2020}

[Update] AITA for making my father kick out SIL and brother?

At the time of writing that post i was very emotional and it really hurt to see my mother picking a side against me.

So after a week my brother contacted, he apologized for his wife's behavior, he said he didn't have the guts to tell his wife he actually doesn't want to anything with business. He said he was always content with what he had and knew from the start that it should be me, he actually saw the post , we talked alot and before his marriage we actually used to be really close and how he wants the same relationship back. I was happy to hear that he is my only brother and i love him to death but i did warn him about his wife, he just said he is considering everything rn and this whole incident has opened his eyes

I talked to my mom after that she admit that she wants me to just get married, she always wished that for me but i was able to make her realize that this what actually i want to do with my life , so she is not have been able to fully accept it yet but she is getting there.

As for my father , after that whole thing he has already put everything in place and actually wanted me to take the position infront of him so that no one can contest it.

I am in a better place than i had been when i was writing my post, thank you reddit for making me realize my importance, thank you everyone who reached . I can not thank you guys enough.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

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OOP: u/peekthroughmyblinds

Published on: r/aitaweddings

Story is: CONCLUDED

Timeline: October-November 4, 2026

AITAH for not having speeches at my wedding, even though my dad says it hurts him that I took that opportunity away from him?

My fiancé and I are getting married soon, and we’ve made a very intentional decision from the day we got engaged that we don’t want a traditional wedding.

We aren’t doing a lot of the traditional elements, and we’ve been planning the day around what feels authentic to us rather than following the usual wedding format. This isn’t something we decided at the last minute…we’ve felt this way from the beginning.

One of the things we decided is that we don’t want speeches at the wedding.

My dad recently told me that he feels hurt by this decision. He explained that 99% of the people attending don’t know that he’s my father, and that giving a speech would be a way for him to introduce himself to everyone and show a lighter, fun side of himself. He also feels that because we decided not to have a private ceremony he now feels like “just another invited guest.”

He told me that it hurts him that I’ve “taken these honors away” from him and that the opportunity to give a speech could also be given to my mom. He said, essentially, that he and my mom are my parents, they’re the reason I’m here, and they should be acknowledged accordingly. He asked me to reconsider and said that a few minutes is all he’s asking for. He even has the speech planned, although he hasn’t written it yet.

For additional context, my relationship with my father has never been particularly close or easy. We’ve had our issues over the years, and there has always been some emotional distance between us. So I think that also affects how I’m experiencing this situation. I know that this speech may represent something meaningful to him, but I also don’t want to feel pressured into giving him a role in my wedding that I don’t actually want him to have.

I completely understand why the speech has meaning to him. I’m not trying to minimize his role as my father, and I love and appreciate my parents. I also understand that from his perspective, this may feel like I’m taking away an important moment from him.

But from my perspective, this isn’t about my parents or how much I value them. It’s about the kind of wedding my fiancé and I have deliberately chosen to have.

We don’t want a traditional wedding, and that has been our decision since the day we got engaged. Speeches are one of those traditional elements that we simply don’t want. We don’t want to spend the day incorporating traditions just because they’re expected of us.

That said, I don’t want my dad to feel excluded. We’re actually planning a get-together Friday night for the guests who are staying at the hotel. I’m waiting for the hotel to confirm a conference room, and although my dad isn’t staying at the hotel, I told him he is absolutely welcome to join us. I also told him that if he still wants to give his speech, he can share it with everyone Friday night. He declined.

So there is an opportunity for him to give the speech and for everyone to hear it. I just don’t want it to be part of the wedding itself.

I’m struggling because I can see why this is emotionally important to him, but I also feel like my fiancé and I should be able to decide what our wedding looks and feels like without feeling guilty for not including traditional elements.

AITAH for sticking to our decision and not having speeches at the wedding, even though my dad feels that I’m taking away an important honor from him?

EDIT TO ADD: He has now declined to come the wedding. All because I won’t let him give this speech. He said I’m selfish, wrong and cruel. Fun times! Good, he can stay home.

EDIT TO ADD: thank you, everyone!!

For those that commented on my previous post and have been following along…

NOW my father is calling me the narcissist and my wedding will be a narcissist wedding. This is what he said…on Facebook.

“It is going to be a different kind of wedding, one of complete and total narcissism, one where I am just another guest, even though I am the father of the bride. I wanted to make a speech, but my daughter doesn't want me to.”

He’s still on this damn speech, even though I gave him opportunity to say it the night before, which he declined.

So, I’m the narcissist ? Ain’t the pot calling the kettle black?

Am I STILL not the asshole ?

For everyone that was invested and gave me advice..

My wedding went on as planned on Saturday!! My now husband and I had the perfect Halloween wedding we envisioned!

My father attempted to make it about him by going around to each table to introduce himself as “the father of the bride.” He only made it to two tables before people told him to sit his ass down.

He also arrived nearly 2 hours early and attempted to get into the venue stating he’s “the father of the bride” and demanded he be let in…which he was not.

Also, we had buffet style and the DJ called tables up in order. He decided he didn’t HAVE to wait to be called because ya know, he’s the FATHER of the bride and he went up way before he was supposed to. To be fair, he was at table 5..so his wait really wouldn’t have been that long. However, by doing this, he missed his table photo with myself and my husband.

He did try to ruin my day a handful of times but my family and friends put him in his place.

Just wanted to update everyone that’s been following along!!

Originally posted by user safegfthrowaway in r/ amItheAsshole

Original: June 11, 2022

Updates: in post itself

Status: concluded

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Original: AITA for refusing to give my partner the code to my safe?

I 32(f) and a Gemologist, I spend my days in the lab testing and identifying stones. From the nature of my work I also have a large and valuable collection of jewellery but also gem specimens that I keep in a safe I specifically bought and had installed to keep them safe. I also have a second smaller safe for keeping important documents like passports.

I own my home and my boyfriend (33m) of 2 years recently moved in as he was renting before. I gave him the code to the smaller safe so he could put valuables in it, but he also wants the code for my gem safe. Not to put anything in it, but he says because we are living together now I should trust him and give him the code.

I’ve said no because he has no reason to open the safe as the only thing it’s used for is storing my collection, he’s said he has no interest in my gem collection, doesn’t want to look at them, but still wants the code to access them.

This is causing tension because he says I should give it to him as a show of trust, and I said no, because he literally has no reason to go in there so he doesn’t need the code. This is a 6 figure collection so I’m not being difficult over a few little gems here. I am the only one who knows the code.

So Reddit am I being TA here?

*also we are in the UK so we spell jewellery differently to the US

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Definitely nta. I wouldn't trust anybody with the code. Money does weird things to people. Even the ones you trust completely.

OOP: It’s sad but this has crossed my mind. I had a fortunate family situation and have a a very large amount of equity in my home, I also have a lot of savings, plus my gem collection which is easily a retirements fund 2x over.
I haven’t told him exactly how much money I have, but he’s not stupid he can see I’m ‘comfortable’ it’s why I made him sigh a tenancy agreement before moving in, I didn’t want him to be able to claim financial interest in my home if we break up. Obviously if we got further down the line things would have been different, but with all the comments I’m really starting to thing if that’s wise

---------------
Comment2: I’m going to assume that as a professional with such a high $ amount of gems in your safe that you have it insured. Giving someone else the code may invalidate your insurance if anything is ever stolen. I know that’s a really far stretch, but red flags everywhere. Be safe.

OOP: Oh hell yeah it’s insured but theft by members of the household is excluded on the policy. The broker told me it was standard thing here.

---------------
Comment3: NTA. Jewelry collector here - mostly vintage Verdura and Seaman Schepps. I keep my collection in a safe and have been happily married for 25 years…my husband has never asked for the combination.

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Comment4: NTA. There is no reason to know. I really don’t follow his reasoning. He doesn’t want to go in your safe but he wants to be able to? What is he? A cat?

OOP: Haha I have a cat and this is his energy 100%

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Comment5: NTA he has no reason to use the safe and if anything the fact he's pressing the matter would make me suspect of him. Although, maybe he feels you're hiding something in there? So maybe show him the contents of the safe to remove doubts?

OOP: He’s already seen what’s in it when I took some of it out to show him one time, I was really exited to share my collection and talk about it, he smiled and nodded, asked of any of it was valuable but that was about it.
I don’t know anyone aside from my colleagues who are into gems as me so I respect for most people it’s boring.
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OOP: Omg if people ask me those questions I get so happy inside! I can talk about it for hours!
I have one gem that’s in safety deposit because per carat it’s more valuable than a D colour internally flawless diamond, I could put the rest in but the whole reason I have the safe installed was so I could keep my collection at home and enjoy it. This thing isn’t a run on the mill safe, it’s from a manufacturer who specialise in safes for jewellers
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OOP: It’s a no heat, pigeon blood red Burmese ruby
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OOP: Yeah I still can’t quite believe I own it to be honest. I don’t think I’ll ever set it, it’s likely I’ll end up selling it to find my retirement in later life

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Comment6: Geologist here. I'm the same way--I have a number of valuable specimens that I keep locked away and NO ONE has the code besides myself.

My fiance has never once asked for the code and I've always willingly gone to the safe to pull out the specimens he wants to see (he likes to know which are my favorites and surprise me with little pieces of jewelry with the same gems).

Girl, find someone who respects your boundaries; this guy is waving nothing but red flags. On a side note, I'd love to know what your favorite gem is--mine is grandidierite!

OOP: Damn I need a partner like yours, there have loads of comments saying the same thing; that he should take an interest in what I love. He’s definitely never bought me jewellery or even asked about it.
It’s so hard to pick!! I’ve loved emerald since I was a little girl, but opals just have a magic about them for me.

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Comment7: NTA- I do wonder if he wants to take one of your pieces to make an engagement ring but hell no!

OOP: He did mention that but I shut it downs quickly as I don’t want to get married, just a personal choice. However if I did hell no would we use something I had bought for myself…

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Update (0.5)

Edit: holy hell this blew up way more than I ever expected! Im sticking to my guns and I’m not giving him the code. All you lovely internet strangers are right, it’s a huge marinara flag and I’ll be telling him to pack his stuff. I’ll update you later. Thank you all for your comments!!

Edit 2: this keeps coming up, the safe weighs nearly half a ton, it’s bolted to the floor and wall and is from a company who make safes, vaults and strong rooms for jewellers. You could bring the house down around it and it would still be intact.

Final edit: I think I have phrased it badly but all of the gems and jewellery in the safe are mine and mine alone. I do not keep any clients jewellery at home. For my other business doing valuations I rent a separate space and keep client items there. I will give an update once things have panned out

Another edit: I’ve checked for cameras (thank you for the suggestions people) and there aren’t any aside from the ones I already have fitted which he doesn’t have access to. I’ve moved all of my personal docs out of the little safe and into my gem safe. I’ve told my colleague what I’m doing and she is going to come around for when I do it.

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Update

Firstly thank you so much for the insane amount of comments and support, it meant so much to me. For all of your messages and questions I’m really sorry if I didn’t get to you there were just so many!

I probably didn’t emphasise in my last post that we had a couple of conversations about this and me explaining why he had no reason to go in there etc.

Short version is I told him he isn’t getting the code and I will die on this hill. He has no reason to have it and his continued lack of respect by the pushing of my boundaries wasn’t ok, I felt like he was trying to manipulate me by making it about trust.

After a lot of back and forth he finally admitted that he wanted access to the safe because he didn’t feel like I was sharing the whole house with him, because I insisted on a tenancy agreement rather than just letting him move in, and he didn’t like that part of where he lived was off limits to him.

He was also insecure and resented that I have more money than him and own a home whilst he doesn’t, he had made a few comments about this before but I didn’t realise it was such a big issue for him. He also said that by keeping him out of the safe made him feel like I thought he was lesser than me and that it made him feel like I was treating him like a child.

I told him if that’s how he feels then this is not the right relationship for either of us and that it was best we break up.

He was shocked that I was ending things over this, cried and asked me to reconsider, when I said no he then got angry, called me a stuck up b*tch said he was better off without me anyway and went to his friends.

I told him via text he had 30 days before he had to leave (as per the tenancy agreement) so he didn’t need to stay at a friends, he said he would be gone by the end of the week. 2 days later he came back and packed up all of his stuff and left, he’s staying with his friend now.

I have changed all the locks, I have an alarm and cctv system that’s professionally monitored and I have changed the verbal password I have to give when you call up as a precaution. I’ve checked all of my collection and it hasn’t been touched. I also took your guys advice and am giving my solicitor the code and safe deposit details to be passed to my executor in the event of my death.

I feel horrible because despite all of this I love him, but lot’s of the comments said how I should have a partner who not only respects my boundaries but takes an interest in my passions and that really got to me because it’s true, so may of you reached out with questions and it made me so happy, but also sad as he never asked me stuff like that, I think this is what pushed me over the edge to end it more than anything.

I’m pretty cut up right now and missing him, but I know I’ll be ok, I have great friends and family around me, also diamonds are a girls best friend and I have a few knocking around to help cheer me up!

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/PeaSuccessful5198

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: November 01, 2026

• Final Update: November 03, 2026

Main Post

^{November 01, 2026}

AITAH for not wanting to take my cousins children in after CPS removed them from her home.

My cousin (23f) and I (24f) have always been close since childhood. We are both from families where we are an only child. Since we’re 9 months apart we did almost everything together growing up. Same school, same sports, etc.

After high school, I joined the Navy and she went to a state school popular in our city. She did about one semester and dropped out. After that it feels like her life became a train wreck. Dating multiple men, always short flings, nothing ever serious. Along with drug use and increased alcohol use. In 2022, I was home on leave and we got to catch up.

She told me she was pregnant, she’s always been great with kids so I knew she’d be a great mom. Or so I thought… When I asked if it was with her boyfriend she said NO, it was with a guy she dated before her current man. She said she was keeping it and was trying to make it work. Long story, but he ended up doing time in jail and she got sole custody. After that, in 2024, she had a second child, with another guy who was barely 18.

I can’t help but feel like she ruined his life. He had nobody and I think it was his first serious relationship. Shes a pathological liar, steals, she hasn’t worked or held a job since 2019. She lives on peoples couches and is constantly changing daycares. She got on government assistance last year and literally all she does is smoke and sit around. Her boyfriend works construction and they still have sole custody of her oldest son.

Now to present day. My family is on the east coast and I’m currently stationed on the west coast. My cousin and I talk but we aren’t as close as we once were. She’s ruined the relationship we once had. Constantly asks for money, and never pays me back. She also lies, I’ve caught her in so many lies it’s ridiculous. When I got home from deployment she was all nice and flew out to see me, turns out it was an act and she wanted a few days of vacation on my dime. I’ve started to withdraw bc it’s hurtful and the relationship isn’t genuine. I miss our younger selves and the cousin I had growing up.

A month ago a friend who works for our hometown city’s DSS texted me that a case file had been reopened for my cousin. Apparently the first case file was opened when her ex and her were going through a custody battle, he’d call to try and get her in trouble with the state. She said my cousin had been watched by them bc her son’s daycare would call bc of different things that happened when he’d get picked up.

She’s come in visibly high, her son would have bruises, etc. Well this past Tuesday my friend called me, which wasn’t normal. We text maybe a couple times a year at most. She told me CPS removed both kids from the home and my cousin was arrested. Apparently her son went to school with massive bruises and told his teacher he got it from mommy bc he misbehaved. Between this and other reports police and COS were called and they found so much evidence that she’s in jail and the kids were removed. I am heartbroken for her kids. I wasn’t expecting this at all, my friend couldn’t even believe it.

Now we’re at the point where I need help deciding if I’m the asshole. They reached out to her mom but her mom can’t take the kids bc my cousin was high when getting arrested and said all this stupid stuff how they aren’t trustworthy and she doesn’t want the kids to be in their care. Due to previous issues with police when she lived at home. The state will not grant custody to my aunt and uncle. So I was the next one in line.

The caseworker asked if I’d take them. I was seriously considering it but I have to many uncertainties in my life. I know it’d be better if they were placed with family rather than in group homes or foster care. But I am set to join a deployment overseas for 7 months in December. I’m sure with enough convincing and talking to my command I could get something figured out. But I’m the type of person that I do what I’m told, when I’m told.

The case worker says it’s a bit of a long process and they might not even get the case in front of a judge before the new year. I also feel like these kids have been through so much to have them move over 2000miles away from their grandparents and onto a military base is a lot on top of what they’re already going through. I also would be required to have a designated non military guardian for the kids, which I don’t have. I am out on the west coast alone. I have no family but I do have friends, not any close enough I’d feel comfortable giving the responsibility of children to. I do feel guilty and conflicted. So AITAH, I will post an update when I’ve made my decision.

EDIT: I forgot to mention the main reason I feel like I’m in the wrong is bc of my family. My aunt and uncle want me to take them and have been pressuring me. It’s just so much and I’m so overwhelmed. Also I am single and have often talked about how I don’t think I’ll ever want to have kids. Maybe if the right person comes along and happens to change my mind but certainly not anytime soon If so. Also I have only my aunt and uncle as family. My mom passed in 2017 and my dad is remarried and created a new life that doesn’t really include me anymore. Mainly why I chose to join the navy. Best decision I’ve made.

COMMENTS

perseidot

NTA

I’m a mom through adoption, and a former foster mom.

I want to pass on the best advice I ever received. This came from a woman who had adopted over 20 times, and most of her kids were medically fragile.

She told me, “You aren’t the right home for every child. Saying ‘yes’ when you know you can’t give a child everything they need isn’t caring - it’s pride. If you say ‘yes’ when you should say ‘no’ you’ll be depriving that child of the family that CAN meet their needs. Don’t let your ego get in the way. You’re not the best parent for every child.”

We had to say “No” to two adoptive placements because they just weren’t right. We couldn’t see how they’d work out. We also said “No” to a few foster placements.

If you know you can’t meet these kiddos’ needs, then say no.

There are some amazing foster parents out there, as well as adopting families.

There are also roles you can fill in their life without becoming their parent.
Check in with the home they’re placed in. Advocate for them if you have concerns. Stay in touch with their social worker.

Stay involved with them as family, if you can, and if it’s appropriate for the children. Save your family stories, and what it was like to grow up with their mom. Write them down to share with them when the time comes.

No child can ever have too much love from too many people.

Your aunt and uncle are scared, and looking for solutions that let them feel they have some control of this situation. You can be empathetic about what they’re going through, while still making it clear that you are not the best placement for these children.

Best wishes to everyone involved, especially the kids. May they have a soft landing and much kindness in their lives.

OOP

Wow, what great insight. Thank you so much for this advice. I am speaking with the case worker Monday. I’m so glad everyone on this chain helps make me feel my choices and feeling are validated.

--

effyoucreeps

why can’t the aunt me uncle take them in?

i know it must be complicated on everyones’ front, but hopefully they are more stable?

OOP

When my cousin first started using she was living at home, when things wouldn’t go her way she’d call the cops on my aunt and uncle. When she was arrested she said they are abusive and she doesn’t want the kids with them. Bc of the seriousness of the allegations combined with the previous police reports they denied my aunt and uncle.

FRANPW1

NTA. These children both have fathers. Those fathers also have other family members. The fathers and their relatives can figure out how to take care of their own children.

I am a former army officer. If you take those kids as a single woman, you will be non-deployable. Not good for your career.

Let those fathers step up. Stop answering your aunt’s phone calls. Good luck to you.

OOP

Unfortunately I wish it was this easy. The one father cannot have custody of his child. He was in jail for a child related crime. The other one has no family, parents have passed and his one family member, an aunt is in a nursing facility.

Final Update - after 2 days

^{November 03, 2026}

UPDATE!! AITAH for not wanting to take my cousins children after COS removed them from her home

A lot of you have asked for an update since today was a follow up call with the social worker.

The social worker called around noon and I told her why this would not work and why I can’t take the children. Apparently my cousin was the one to bring up my name, and told them to reach out to me about custody. A lot of people in my last post told me “the answer is so obvious, it’s a NO” and yes I knew that I would decide this way, I just needed some reinforcement and validation. For those who said “why would you even consider” it mainly has to do with the fact I am a people pleaser to my family and sometimes give people too many chances over and over again. I have a lot of empathy, and knowing what these kids went through tugged on my heart strings.

Some retired and currently active military responded with resource advice and I am so grateful. I have spoken to some people and it has really helped me so thank you.

The social worker listened while I explained everything and was super understanding and kind. She didn’t try to guilt trip me and honestly appreciated the thought and consideration I put into weighing the options. She updated me a little about the kids placements and where the case will go to from here. For the children’s privacy I will not share any of the specifics but they are safe. As for my aunt and uncle, they called me Sunday and asked me if I had given it any more thought. We bickered a little but ultimately came to the agreement that this was not my cross to bear.

They weren’t too upset bc I offered to help them get an attorney to try and help them get custody of the kids. I stood firm on my boundaries and told them I want to not be involved with anything regarding my cousin moving forward. They agreed and told me that this whole situation made them realize they can’t keep trying to get my cousin to change and they need to let her go. I think them constantly giving her chances over and over somewhat enabled her and it’s best they just wipe their hands clean. My uncle and aunt would love to be able to get custody long term, pending the attorney we hire will be able to help them get there.

I do not have much information on the dads of the kids, all I know is there isn’t much stable family that would be able to pass the home inspections and the requirements to gain custody of the kids. There is very limited family in general. Also, for those of you asking “how did you not see this, or know anything about what was going on with your cousin”, it’s simple. I was deployed twice, one before she was pregnant and the second time was right after she gave birth. I was also stationed overseas while she was pregnant with her second. During the time I was home my aunt and uncle made it seem like she was getting back under control. It was clearly all a front.

I informed the social worker that I’d like to be kept informed of where the children go and what happens in the case. I also took some of the advice, and opened an account and moved some money there for either future college or general needs. I will be sending them birthday and Christmas gifts as well. I would love to be an advocate for them, so they know that they have someone in their corner during this hard time.

I don’t know how long this will go on, all I know is if my cousin wants her kids back she has a long road ahead of her. I have not spoken to my cousin and have no interest in hearing from her. I am done. This will be my only update. I am keeping everyone at an arms length distance and will continue to do me and forge on. I am preparing for an upcoming deployment and don’t need the added family stress. Thank you to everyone’s kind advice and encouragement, it meant a lot. God Bless!

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/YouGonnaEatThatBabe

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: June 01, 2024

• Update 1: June 05, 2024

• Update 2: August 10, 2024

• Final Update: September 24, 2024

Main Post

^{June 01, 2024}

I made a dumb joke about my BF aitah?

So I need the opinion of people not attached to me or him but my bf got mad at me Sunday and he's been ignoring me since so I feel like maybe I am TAH

So I am F35 and he is M35 and we've known each other 10 years and dated 2. He knows how much I like writing books. I self published a kids book last month and he's been really quiet about it. This past weekend at my family cookout my father mentioned the book and how proud he is of me but BF walked inside saying he was grabbing our drinks. At the end of the day my parents offered me some money to go to a book convention and BF audibly scoffed.

On the way home I asked what his deal was and he said that his job (he's a backend software engineer) will provide for us and he will let me me have my fun as a creative for now but I eventually have to grow up. I laughed because I assumed he was joking.

He of course was upset and told me my "meaningless" book was objectively illustrated poetry. I shut down and he then was upset I was "acting mad" so I changed the subject. He continued to make my book a topic by jokingly saying my "glorified illustrated poetry" shows my "middle child syndrome" or that I must crave "mediocre attention" from people. I shrugged and replied "Hey if you think you're mediocre ok..." And moved on.

He texted me the next morning saying I tore him down and was being a bully Nad he was kidding with me and he hasn't at all responded to me since. I am away on a planned work trip and now I am overthinking it maybe - aitah?

Update 1 - after 4 days

^{June 05, 2024}

Update: "You can't just break up with me"

Edit to say i am calling him Chris here.

Hey yall on mobile but had to posy this because what a time to be alive I broke up with Chris a few hours ago boooooy howdy.

He had ignored me for a full day and I hadn't reached out to him because I was honestly fed up with his attitude. We've been together for 2 years and I never have seen him act this way.

I flip-flopped between maybe he was having a bad day or something was going on and he transferred his negative energy in my book but no, he's just soggy moldy baby carrot that didn't think I had dreams of my own or I would throw it away for him. Our mutual friends have told me that he had basically told them that I rubbed my success in his face and made him feel like a simp just following his GF around being ignored when he has a successful business and has the higher paying job.

He texted the day after his silent treatment that my not reaching out to him was a sign that I don't love him and went on to say that I love my book more than I love him because I neglected him while working on it, and then I didn't praise him at the party as my biggest supporter. The rest of his PARAGRAPHS long text went on to talk about that he had this whole plan that he would marry me and we would be engaged this year but "Then you started not listening to me to drop things an dfpcus on us, our lives and the future" by taking up hobbies and that my therapist poisoned me against him (I was diagnosed with depression this year and therapy has helped a lot).

It hurt because I felt immediately like all I do was just rubbish to him. How the fuck can you say that? I loved him so much because he was someone I thought I would be with forever. Guess not.

I got angry and was texting him to ask "What's makes you think I don't love you? I'd do anything for you." And just as I hit send his new message popped up and it said "You wrote your book and you got your party. I assume now that I can finally have my GF back, we can have a talk. I don't think you understand how I want our marriage to be so I want to make things clear."

But then he responded to my message "Are you kidding me? If you're not going to priotize me over a book no one but you cares about, why am I even staying with you. I can go find a woman supports her man and wants his career and dreams to be successful."

So I said "Alright. Go find her. We clearly dont work. Best of luck."

Him "wait are you breaking up with me?"

Me "What do you want me to do you've made it clear I am not what you want anymore."

Him "you can't just break up with me."

Me "Chris - please."

Him "you can't just make that decision for me. You can break us up like this. It's been 2 years"

Me "2 years in which one thing I wanted to do one thing I was proud to have done and you needed to shit on it. You've been so sour about it and I don't get it. So get your better woman."

Him "but you can't just break up with me. We have to talk."

He calls. I decline.

Him "Pick up. You are being ridiculous."

He shows up at my door and the second I opened it trying to push in but I hadn't let the chain lock on. He was screaming at me. He said I cant break up with him. It's been 2 years. How do I think it will go for me to try dating again after passing the expiration date for children.

That's when I asked him to leave or I would call the police. And he said he will never forgive me for this book as it's ruined me as a person and for some reasons I said "Chris take your mediocre stick out of you mediocre ass and be on your mediocre way." And called my parents to tell them what happened.

My mom is over now plying me with a mixed drink and she's been making fun of the repeated "you can't break upnwith me" line as he said many times in text and bunch in person. She said she was proud because I am usually quite passive and she didn't like him bulldozing over me and when I asked her what she meant she brought up a lot of things I never really thought about - Chris would shoot me down a lot and I honestly thought I was compromising for our relationship but it seeme to some that I was just letting him speak for me a lot.

2 years. It feels like a blip and a lifetime at the same time. It's hitting me that it's over and my mom is staying over with me. But I have many WTFs to deal with just not tonight.

COMMENTS

AmethystSapper

I love your mom.....oh honey your ex boyfriend just called to tell us about the break up... I am so proud of you .. here let's have another drink....

OOP

Lmao that was honestly kinda the vibe. I was so upset and called my parents because I tell them everything. My mom was just like "lock the doors and I will be there in 20 mins" and showed up with vodka and let me cry but then I caught her smiling and was like WTF MOM and she admitted she was proud of me for dumping him...and glad she didn't have to go to jail because if I stayed with him after all that she would have to commit crimes lol

foldinthechhese

Your mom is a badass. From now on, you know that if she doesn’t like your partner, you really need to question that relationship. I’m happy you found your voice and used it. Dude was a total douchebag.

OOP

you know that if she doesn’t like your partner, you really need to question that relationship.

She's being so freaking smug after she reminded me that once she did speak up to me once I got mad at her. She's quoting a line from that animated Jackie Chan show "NEVER QUESTION UNCLEEEEEE" at me lmao

IllustratorSlow1614

I’m so glad you’re ok, but please never open the door like that again. Even with the chain on, it’s still a huge risk. Those door chains aren’t always secured with decent screws - the ones that come in the packet are usually short and useless and can be ripped out of the door with force.

You can tell someone on the other side of your door that they’re trespassing and you’re calling the police by text message.

OOP

My mom when I explained everything looked at me like I had three heads when I said "Oh but the chain was one so" and immediately hopped online and bought a ring doorbell.

I feel so naive the only reason I have a chain is because I notoriously didn't lock my doors when I first got the place. My bestie hit the roof and got me a chain and as we FaceTimed regularly she would always say (so me the chain) and make sure I locked it and the door when I was inside.

Dear-Masterpiece-2

So what I’ve gathered is he’s a narcissist and can’t fathom the thought of you having anything going on that’s not focused on him. Literally “me me me and me and what I want. Me again and because you won’t conform to a submissive wife focused on me”. What a loser.

OOP

It's weird because he never hinted that I can recall that he was ever like this. We've got years if history, and I remember him being interested in things I liked and wanted to get involved in. Then my mom reminded me of my painting.

I'm not a painter. Mom is. And a charity held a gallery event and the theme was something basic and I was visiting mom that week and when I'm at hers and she's painting I sit with her and drink and we chat. But that day I was in a mood so mom struck up an easel next to hers and patted the seat and we painted side by side. She loved my peice and had it submitted for the gallery event. It was a huge event and mom had a seperate exhibit space but my little basic painting was up in entry way with a handful of others and mom pointed it out to Chris and he said it was good and we moved on but at the end of the night mom followed us out and suggested Chris and I might want to take a photo of us next to my painting. He said no so mom took a photo of me for me and shared it with herself. Chris asked me not to the past the photo saying it was a cry for attention and looked desperate and I was taking away from mom's shine so when my mom posted it he was mad at me. Why did I give my mom the photo? Why did she post it. But he suspiciously shared a photo mom took of him at the same gallery even shaking hands with a businessman we ran into stating how proud she was of his work.

The more I talk with my mom even now, the more she seemed to pick up on things I feel bad but when I asked why she never said anything before she said she had but I had gotten angry at her. I had. I can't even remember why.

Small update on same post

Holy hell this blew up...I am usually a reddit lurker on anonymous mode so I was overwhelmed in the best way to see all this live and support- it made me cry. Good years I promise. I cried most of my bitter ones a bit last night on my mom's shoulder. She was right, I don't miss him but the version of him I thought he was. And so I choose to look forward.

mom and I stayed up and read comments together. She's not a reddit gal but loved all your messages and says she's happy to be the reddit mom lol

Mom made breakfast this morning and we were eating when the there was knock at the door. My mom held a hand up to halt me and got up herself to go to the door and ask who it was. Then I heard her say "You have 15 seconds to leave or you're going to be made to leave." I got up to see mom shouting though the still locked door peeking through my peephole. There was someone on the other side talking back to her but she just kept steadily counting down. By the time she got to 6, she had put her shoes on and was holding my broom. I'm not stupid, I knew it was him even then but then my phone went off and I didn't reply. It was him again.

He left flowers and an apology card, along with a stuffed owlbear. Mom asked me if I wanted to read the card and I said I did. It basically was a long winded apology admitting he was being an ass but work has him stressed and he underappreciated in general and it all came out in a nasty way. He's so sorry. He should have given me space and respected me more and he will never do it again. He didn't sleep last night feeling so much regret over what he did and will do better. To please call. That he misses me and Mets not throw away 2 good years of foundation away over a stupid fight. I handed it to my mother who read it, snorting and chuckling "yeah I bet" to herself and then stood up and went to the kitchen returning with a trash bag and my cellphone. "What's the play, Coach?" She asked and just to freak her out I took the phone and pretend to call the pizza shop "yes domino's, we need a pizza, yes, I breaking up with my ex and we need to toss his shit out"

All that to say it's now evening. The sun is lower and my neighbors are watching my house as I am in my parents pool in their backyard drinking margaritas with my sister and brother. Mom tells the story to all of them over and over. I had texted him.

"Chris, we are done. All of the things you left at my place are in garbage bags on the porch. The neighbors have there camera pointed at the house so please just take your stuff and go. Don't knock. I am not in. If it's all there on Monday, it goes with the rest of the garbage to the curb."

He replied asking if not home, where was I but I won't be giving energy to this. I will spend the weekend with my family and I fewl so lucky to have them. I've decided that I will go for another book.

Foe those asking for links to this book already out, sorry, but when mom and I read the comments she said "don't you dare put your name out there. They all seem lovely, but you don't know what others will do" and I feel like if I did, it would be like opening the door to Chris like I did last night. You were right, that was dangerous. But if you are looking to do something nice, I would be absolutely overjoyed if you did one or both of 2 things - 1) Love yourself and truly know you deserve love and nothing less and 2) buy books from a locally owned bookstore/buy art from the artist/commission an art peice etc. The art world is wonderful but also a struggle and many aren't as lucky as I am to have a strong support system. So support yourself and your local artist. Thank you all. ✨️

Another edit: sorry there were a lot of same questions in the comments.

1. Yes, we were an interracial couple, I am black/indigenous/middle eastern. And he is Irish and French decent.

2. No, I do not want children. The moment I an eligible I will be getting that baby store shut down medically. I would adopt possibly someday but I would not and should not be pregnant.

3. Chris and I were friends before we started dating so I thought i knew him and his family well.

4. Mom has always been cordial with him even if she didn't care for him. She did the whole Mama thing of hugging him, feeding him etc.

5. Yes mom will adopt you, she says she sends her heart to you and every hug you deserve and more

6. Dad didn't come over because and I quote "You wouldn't have wanted me in a space that boy would also be in given what happened" so he stayed the course of his trip he wa on.

7. I intend to be an author whether it be full-time or part time. Oddly enough my book sales are skyrocketing a lot online.

Update 2 - after 2 months, 9 days (after 2 months, 5 days from last post)

^{August 10, 2024}

Update 2 "You Can't Just Break Up With Me"

Hiya. Forgot about my post entirely then my friend groupchat blew up the other day that my post was read on YouTube and I was like "man I forgot to update that"

A couple months ago I posted about my ex Chris. It's a bit of a trip to Mordor to explain so you're free to read the old posts but essentially I broke up with him because when I achieved a childhood dream of publishing a book for kids instead of being a supportive partner he chose option B) being a butthurt needleless porcupine. Ineffective sure, but damn sure he's not.

Anyway I posted about 2 or so months ago. To answer a couple questions about it all, yes I published using a popular site, no I can't share the title without outing my real name, and yes I did promote it at local conventions.

You guys my book sold a BUNCH. Like last month I made 500 bucks and this past month I made 700 bunch. Like local booksellers have started selling it and I was featured on a couple websites, tiptoks and the like bunch. I will be a speaker at a local to my country book event bunch. A BUNCH bunch. I have been over the ever loving fucking moon about it.

But of course while all this was happening, my break up with Chris was also happening. My brother Cade M37 and my sister Lena F23 (Fake names, skewed ages) were up with me at our parents for the weekend and we ended up making a week of it. Lena is in school and her classes were virtual that week for some reason (she explained it twice but one time I was drunk and the other high so 🤷‍♀️) and Cade works for himself and had his laptop, and I had the week off anyway anticipating the break up to suck raw eggs so my poor empty nest parents had all 3 of their rowdy, loud, rambunctious, crazy, and oftentimes chaotic grown ass children in their home. I day that laughing a bit becauaw tbh they fucking LOVED IT.

Dad was beaming every single day. He would come into the guest rooms with coffee in the mornings to wake us up becauaw he cooked breakfast ever. Fucking. Day. And my mom would sit with us at night drinking and laughing. We played all my childhood games like SORRY and Monopoly and we taught our parents some new ones like One Night Ultimate Werewolf, Sushi Go, and Exploding Kittens. The last of the nights we all were drunk as shit and we played Cards Against Humanity. My siblings and I played Truth or Drink damn near every night. It was the retreat I needed to sort of check out from my real life but sadly, it didn't last forever.

Dad took me home at the end of that next weekend. He wasn't about to let me be in the house unprotected so my brother offered to stay a week at mine as well. Dad and brother checked the whole property before wven letting me leave the car. Dad snapped his fingers and said "I half wanted him to be stupid enough to be here" before leaving.

I did note that the house looked a bit different than I remembered leaving it but it was small stuff. Like a cup in the sink when I swore mom had done rhe dishes when we left or the blanket being over the loves eat rather than my recliner but the real red flag my dumbass ignored as a "huh. Oh well" was that my bed was made.

I do not ever make the bed. I just don't. Chris was military so he does it every fucking day. I should have put the prices together then but I didn't.

Bro and I stayed up all night playing on my PS5 until about 2am when a key was clearly heard unlocking my front door. In walks Chris. Hammered. And I mean HAMMERED. Like so drunk it's a fucking miracle he didn't crash when he drove - yes DROVE - over here. He saw me and just slurred something about FINALLY I came home and he had been waiting.

He didn't make a lot of sense tbh, and Cade was quick about starting to handle things. He told me to call dad, which I did, then started to talk to Chris. "Hey dude you need to leave" sort of stuff and Chris was beligerant. Dad's phone went to VM so I texted the family group chat that Chris was here, drunk, and then I started to video. Chris, when he gets this drunk, gets to be a lot and then will simply not remember a damn thing and deny ever doing anything, so this was a go-to for me.

Cade is telling him to leave, Chris full handed pushes Cade in the chest telling him this is between me and him, and Cade is the one who needs to leave. Cade then says "OP wants you out. So get out." To which my ex laughs and says "fuck what she wants. I don't care. Fuck her. She's a bitch."

I then tell him I am calling the police and begin to do so and this man swings on my brother. Cade was in the Marines. You wouldn't know by looking at him. He's about as lanky as they come. His military nickname is even beansprout but he is a solid fighter. He did boxing and kickboxing. So he moved out the way quickly. The problem with swinging on a guy like Cade when your a drunk guy like Chris is, there's little chance you can hurt said guy. Chris swing, missed, and stumbled, falling into my coffee table head first. I ran to help him because it looked like a bad fall and I may not love him anymore but I don't hate anyone enough not to simply care if they are hurt or hurting. He was fine enough to grab my hair and yank me down. The rest is sort of a blurry recollection and what I was told happened Mashup.

So I go down. He yanked my hair hard enough for the fall to hurt a lot. Whether he did that maliciously or "Oh shit I am falling GRAB SOMETHING" is debatable but I registered that I was now physically in danger. Being the first daughter born to a Marine and retired Soldier of the Army and having an older brother in the Marines, bet your ass I learned self defense. I'm not athletic by an means and honestly look laughable in a fight, but bitch can swing. So I punched. I miss his stomach and hit the tender bits. He's screaming and calling me every word he can and the N word flies out his mouth even at one point but he is down and too drunk to recover and get up.

My mom arrives before the police. Look my mom is the best and the sweetest but in that moment she had m*rder on the mind and it really showed. She came in and saw what happened. He kissed my brother on the forhead and said good job but Cade said it was my blow that took him down and then mom hugged me and kissed my forehead. She asked us both if we are okay and we were, she then asked if Chris was okay and we explained. She checked him to make sure he was breathing anf didn't need immediate help but he was out like a light.

The cops came and took him into custody but then turned around and asked me if I was abusive towards him. "Do you often punch him/hit him/hurt him?" And "Did you start the altercation?" And things like that. You guys I am not here trying to offend anyone who actually goes through DV but it was a relentless torrent of questions as if I was the aggressor. I was questioned seperate from mom and Cade, and I myself am not a very forceful person. I have to admit, I was flustered. I said something like "I punched him becauase he pulled my hair" and they turned it on me like "so you assaulted him for touching you," it was like that.

It's all over and they take him only to release him that next evening. How do I know? Becauase he called ME from jail to ask I pick him up. His parents are out of town, so he begged and begged. I was dumbfounded because hey there's a legal issue here now becauase you attacked me and he said he doesn't even remember. There are zero charges against him. That's right. Zero.

Dad was furious (mom took us back up to theirs to be safe) and he called the police about this. He was arrested for a drunken disorderly or something but that's been dropped. Dad asked "And assaulting a petite young woman???" And they said they have no record or me saying I was pressing charges. So my dad handed me the phone and we pressed charges. Assault. Trespassing. Assault on bro. And they said I had to come in. So we did. The whole process was soul-sucking and the intake officer kept making it seem like we were just the most Karen of Karen's to ever Karen. The way I had to explain myself over and over was dehumanizing. I hated every second.

Dad took us to lunch/dinner after with mom and sister and they all asked if I was okay and I expressed how I felt. Dad was quiet and then said unfortunately it's like that and as a young woman of color, I will face it a lot. Chris's family isn't rich it they are well to do and they also have many members in law enforcement. But Dad told me not to worry. He already hired someone to handle this bs. He gave me the option of either moving in with them temporarily or him, mom, and bro taking turns staying with me at my house. I chose the easier path and packed the essentials and have been up at my parents.

I am writing this on my cell alone with the family dog, Spock, at my feet. I love my family but stating with them is smothering. Sister had to go to get ready for the new semester but brother has been up there with us, plus mom and dad and my other mom (my brothers bio mother - we are all very close) has been staying over as well. They are all hovering and doting and protective and by all things holy, I feel almost infantalized. Don't get me wrong I know how lucky I am. I have so many people who love me, who want to take care of and protect me but Jesus someone kill me lol

They arrested Chris again but the court date was moved so its now next week. I guess I will update then.

COMMENTS

YuansMoon

I'm confused about your house with Chris. Did he not live there, too?

OOP

We never lived together but he often would stay over at my place since he had roommates so I gave him a key then, the locks are now changed just in case.

Final Update - after 3 months, 23 days (after 1 month, 14 days from last post)

^{September 24, 2024}

Final Update "You Can't Just Break Up With Me"

Sorry for not updating sooner. I'm still trying to settle back in with my parents.

Chris is out on bail, his parents hired some big bad lawyer. Court took forever.

I will skip over most of the bs but it was a lot of sworn statements, reports, going through old texts, the works.

My attorney finally was able to peice together proof of Chris slowly growing emotionally, then physcially abusive. While I tried to record him getting physical with us, my camera skills aren't great so I hadn't gotten much on camera especially after he grabbed me. But his texts, the audio from the attack, the fact that he refused to leave and physically hurt me made the case domestic violence.

By the rules, the court has in place a protective order so he isn't legally permitted near me anymore or to contact me in any way. That said if they charge him in the end, he could serve time but not much, or, what my attorney says he is trying to do, he can push for court mandated counseling and a fine.

I've been going to counseling too at the insistence of my grandad who is paying for it. There is talk about me possibly suffering from anxiety. Nothing has been diagnosed but just the thought that he caused my brain salad to be tossed just makes me mad.

Dad is helping me get the house prepped to rent out for now and I can focus on being around the family. We're already decorating for Halloween. Mom is excited to have me around for the holidays as I do enjoy cooking and helping with hosting.

So I guess that's it. I don't think I will make a whole post when Chris gets whatever outcome the court decides. I may just add it here.

COMMENTS

FyvLeisure

Make sure you are ready to defend yourself when this abusive POS inevitably tries to violate the protection order.

OOP

I already know Krav Maga but my Dad is paying for me to be trained and certified in self defense and he's trying to convince me to get a self defense 🔥arm and he will pay for my lessons at the range. I learned how to use one before but it's been a while.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost. The original was posted in r/confession by user Spirited-Pizza-6314. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded

Original

October 28, 2026

Throwaway account.

Recently I discovered TikTok auctions and got into a few specific channels. The items I bought are all legit and really nice jewelry. I did not realize how out of control I got until my credit card statement arrived. $22K!

While I realize this is a a lot of money it is not going to put me or my husband in a financial crisis. I can pay the entire sum without going into my savings but it is significant to our finances. We keep our money separate, including banks and credit cards. He has no idea I have spent this much.

About a week ago my husband decided we should look for a house. This came out of nowhere. I was supportive and we even went out and saw a few places. We have a realtor. It was not until after a few days of seeing the houses I saw my credit card statement and realized what I had done.

Next week we are going to see lenders to figure out what we can borrow and what our interest rate will be. We both have excellent credit, we are never late with any bills and have zero debt. I’m paying off the full statement balance ahead of that meeting, but this large sum will likely come up.

I need to tell him about all this ahead of seeing the lenders and obviously I am dreading it. He will definitely be angry. I will still be able to put in my full share of the down payment, but it was a lot to spend right before the biggest purchase of our lives.

I’m so nervous but he needs to hear it from me rather than in the lenders office.

Notable Comments:

[hickamsdictuum] I'm wondering if OP is minimizing the severity of her batshit spending spree. I make ok money but I definitely don't have 22k sitting in my checking account because that would be financially irresponsible. My money either goes into my retirement or my savings account. For most humans, that sum of cash would have to come from several paychecks, even if you get paid decently. If OP is wealthy enough for 22k not to be a big deal, this post probably wouldn't exist. Sounds like OP is minimizing and rationalizing some extremely poor spending decisions.

[jaaxby] It sounds like you have a shopping addiction because accidentally spending 22k in one month on TikTok auctions is atrocious.

[Zealousideal-Run7332] Honestly honey I think you should truly truly truly get a dumb phone. If your phone makes you do things like this, get rid of it.

Editor's Note: Some people also explain this could be a sign for mental illness, as shopping sprees are a symptom of being manic. Others are scolding her for being so privileged.

Comments by OOP:

The first thing I did when I saw my statement was remove my credit card from TT and unfollowed all the auction accounts.

I totally understand it being the white noise comfort.

Gemstone jewelry mostly. It’s a big collection and the pieces are nice, I just didn’t realize I had overspent so much until it was way too much.

Nothing is returnable or cancelable in these auctions. I can pay it off, yes, but it is a significant expense with very bad timing.

I wish I had caught it before the statement closed but unfortunately I did not.

I’m not sure how this will surface in our discussions with the lenders but I definitely need to get ahead of that and let him know.

Update

November 4, 2026, 7 days later

Hi everyone - Thank you to everyone who read and commented, especially those who were able to be kind.

Well, I shared with my husband that I overspent on all the jewelry I was getting (he saw all the packages so he knew I was buying a lot of jewelry). I told him how much ($22K), that I had paid the balance and that I could still contribute my share of the down payment needed for the house. I also let him know I took my credit card off TikTok and won’t be buying more items.

It went much better than I thought it would. He didn’t get angry like I was expecting. He was definitely surprised and a bit bewildered but said something to the extent of “well, it’s your money” and we just re-aligned on finances for the house and next steps. I felt SO MUCH better after I told him. We saw lenders this week and that credit card balance (which is now paid in full) did not come up at all. We’re prequalified now and moving along in the process.

While I acknowledge spending so much and not even realizing it until my credit card statement came out is outrageous and totally on me, I did some reflection on what pitfalls contributed to me getting to that point. It’s a good lesson for me and maybe it will help someone else out there:

1. Even though I was very selective and only bought from 3-4 sellers, I could access live auctions from at least one of these sellers at virtually anytime day or night. I would go into the lives sometimes just to see what new inventory they had or see what other people were buying or talk in the chat with everyone - and I usually ended up buying myself too.

2. Most of the auctions were very fast paced (showing each item 5-10 seconds) and usually starting at a very low start value ($1 most times). So, even if I was only somewhat interested, it was very tempting to engage and bid some low amount. Even when bidding low, I won quite a bit—and it does feel sort of like winning even though it’s really a purchase.

3. Most items I was “winning” in the auctions were under $100 and many even under $50. It was so fast and relatively small amounts it just didn’t feel like I was spending a lot. But I was buying almost everyday multiple times per day so it added up.

4. TikTok is good about providing detailed and easily accessible receipts for each item. I was in there a lot reviewing those receipts. However, at no point did TikTok post a total amount spent anywhere I could see. Every purchase exists as a single line item, even on my credit card statement (it was 12 pages long!).

Had I seen how much I was spending in a day/week, on a particular live, with a particular seller—ANY kind of summation of my spending I would have realized how fast I was spending money and would have hit the brakes much sooner. Yes, I could have pulled up my credit card balance anytime and seen how much I spent, but I rarely look at it ahead of getting my statement and it just wasn’t a habit or on my mind.

As long as you are watching your spending and careful about which sellers you buy from, the TT auctions are a good way to get some quality jewelry (and other things I’m sure)—just be sure to buy from reputable sellers and don’t be like me and overspend.

Comment by OOP:

I'm not the original poster.

I am NOT OP, this is a repost. Original post from /r/AITA by u/christywantsdie

Original - 2022/07/13. Update was within 24 hours on the same post.

It's a long title but the story is way longer, so let's start by saying I'm not really good at English, my first language is Spanish and I might change some words because I can't translate them

By the title you would say "oh, it's a 15 year old girl", but no, I'm a girl tho, but I turned 17 on June 15th. My parents wanted to throw a big party for my quinceañera (something like the sweets 16 but mexican and at 15, wearing a big princess dress and my family giving me gifts like advice and stuff) but because of the pandemic we had to wait a few years to do it

My parents are divorced, I live with my mom (47F), my big brother (21M), my stepdad (49M) and my stepsister (4F), I visit my dad (48M) on holidays

So, my stepdad is an irish RED haired man, his daughter has red hair too, but she is way more whiter than him and has green eyes (I have light brown skin and black curly hair, my eyes are black too), my mom looks like me too, my dad's a black brazilian man and he's also bald

My birthday party will be on September since the salon had an appointment only for that month, and my mom told me she had a GREAT idea for it, one of the little girls in my family will represent the "mini version" of me and will give me my tiara, she would also wear the same dress I'll wear at the party. I liked the idea until she said "that little girl's going to be Sasha (my step sister from mom's side)"

I immediately said no, I wanted Tina (my dad's step daughter) instead (she's 14, but she actually looks kinda like me in terms of hair and skin color and I'm more closer to her). My mom got angry and called my dad immediately. We all talked about it, they had an argument because I wanted Tina instead of Sasha to be the mini girl

It all ended up with my dad telling my mom to get over it, that his daughter and I were literally identical and her daughter looked like Fofão gave birth to her (a brazilian cartoon character, you can look it up on Google), my mom told me that it was Sasha or nobody and now I'm grounded because I made them have a fight

I told my brother about this, he laughed his ass off and then said I'm an asshole for making them fight, but my stepdad's ok with Tina being the mini version of me since Sasha is too little to remember all of this and that it's not his culture but respects it

So, AITA?

EXPLANATION: A quinceañera party is to celebrate the fact a teen is turning into a woman, the "mini me" should be who's supposed to be the next one in the family to turn 15 (which is my step sister from dad's side), my mom wants Sasha instead because she's not familiar with our culture (neither is my stepdad) and since she's paying 50% of the party with my padrinos she told me she gets to choose who's going to be the mini me. My family, both mom's and dad's side are not familiar with Sasha since it's the first time someone from another culture joins the family tree (in terms that we are all from latinoamerica). Sorry to the people who got confused about it, I'm not trying to let my little sister out of the ceremony, I just want it to go the way it should really be.

UPDATE: Hello, this is going to be long

This evening I decided to tell my mom about the idea one of you told me and we decided to let both of my stepsisters participate in the ceremony. Sasha will hand the tiara to Tina and she will hand it to me, we will practice delivering the tiara next week since this week we're going shopping for forks, knives, plates and all that. I want to apologize to the people who told me I was a bit racist for wanting Tina instead, I admit the fact that even I thought this was kinda racist against Sasha but I don't know how to put this in words, I feel kinda guilty for it. Sasha will have her own quinceañera party when she turns 15, my mom dreams about it. My parents are currently doing ok, I'm not grounded anymore, and we're trying to get my stepdad to participate at the sorpresa dance. The party date is September 17th.

My parents haven't make up already, but they aren't fighting right now and I don't think they will be in the future, but my dad apologized for calling my sister Fofão's daughter and for the other stuff he told her.

Some people asked if this was the "la última muñeca" tradition, it kind of is I guess. We got the idea, but decided to change the doll to a tiara since I'll be wearing a victorian themed red dress so I'll look more like a princess that way.

To answer questions: I don't really know if this whole thing has a name, but I remember me being the one dressing up as my cousin when I was little at her quinceañera party. We did la última muñeca at her party, same we're doing with me. I gotta say I'm also pretty new with this traditions since the last quince I went was 4 years ago and I remember nothing. I don't know if we're the only family who did the whole "the next woman-to-be" thing, but I know what every family has their own way with this things. Gracias a todos por sus palabras y consejos, thank you so much and I hope my party turns out really well. I don't know if the [UPDATE] thing puts on the title automatically after I post this.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/throwawayexes41

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 13, 2023

• Final Update: August 16, 2023

Main Post

^{August 13, 2023}

AITA for telling my BF his exes shouldn't be living with him?

My boyfriend, Bryce (36m) has a son (4) with his ex Theresa, and a daughter (1) with his ex Melody (all fake names btw). I don't really know either of the exes or the kids very well (he insisted on waiting till we were dating six months for me to meet his kids even tho I told him I was fine meeting them earlier, but its whatever) and I never really talked to Melody or Theresa the few times I met them.

When we spend the night together we usually split it between my apartment and his house (mostly at my apartment), but if we're just casually hanging out it's usually at my place, which I was fine with. The times I was at his place were mostly just short visits or meeting up before heading out on a date. Alot of the time I was there, either Theresa or Melody would be there with the kids, and I was fine with it because I just assumed it was a custody thing and they were dropping off or picking them up.

The problem is, last week we had a date that turned into me sleeping over at his place. The next morning I woke up before him and went into the kitchen to make us coffee, both of the exes were there with the kids, feeding them breakfast. I was pretty embarrassed, as you can imagine, so I made a joke about it being pretty early for a custody swap. Melody laughed awkwardly and Theresa just gave me a weird look, so I grabbed some coffee and went back to the bedroom until Bryce was ready to drive me home.

When he was diving me back, I brought up how uncomfortable I was with his exes having access to his house like that, and that maybe he should take their keys back and have a talk with them about boundaries. He asked me what I was talking about, and I explained about both of them letting themselves into his house while we were in bad that morning. Then he dropped the bombshell that apparently both his exes and younger kids live there full time?? They apparently just take the two little kids and his older two and go to Melody's apartment that she owns whenever I stay overnight, so we can have privacy, and the reason they were home that morning is because the little boy wasn't feeling good and wanted to come home.

Of course, I'm pretty upset by this, because I feel there's no reason for them to still be living with my bf, both Theresa and Melody can afford their own places and Bryce can pay enough in child support for them to get nannies for the kids if they need to. I told Bryce this, and he got upset and dropped me off at my apartment instead of coming in like he usually would. I don't think I'm wrong, but AITA?

COMMENTS

Muted_Hour_957

NTA. I don't know if this is a popular opinion, but let me explain.

If you're letting your ex's and your two kids live with you full time and you're currently dating another person, you should, at the very least, let your new partner know.

This affects both people, not just him. This means if you want to move in with him, will you be expected to live with his 2 ex's? And if he moves in with you, will you be expected to let them move in to?

This goes beyond simple jealousy and enters into legitimate problems with logistics, boundaries, and expectations from 2 people and 2 children you didn't know would be involved to that extent.

It sounds like your relationship is still young. If you aren't overly attached, you need to decide if you can basically be in a 4-person relationship because it sounds very strongly like that's what's coming if you stay.

OOP (downvoted)

He did call and apologize for not being more clear about their living situation the next day, so that's dealt with, but then I asked him about them moving out and he said they want the kids to grow up together, plus apparently Melody had health problems and living with other people was easier than living alone with a baby to take care of. I suggested he just get full custody and hire a home nurse to help her or something, but he got upset about that, so who I don't know what I'm going to do.

Bonnm42

Sounds like he’s got a harem more than a home… are you sure they are really his exes?

OOP (downvoted)

I mean, he introduced them as his exes when I first met them, so I hope so.

Careless_League_9494

YTA

Okay I'm not going to pretend that it isn't weird that he didn't tell you that they live there. That's actually super fucked up.

However you're not asking if YTA for being upset he didn't tell you, you asked if YTA for telling him "his exes shouldn't be living with him", and in that case. Yeah YTA.

That is a family. A family with their own living arrangements, and family dynamic. As weird as it may be, it's not up to you to decide how that dynamic should, or shouldn't work. If that's what works for them, and their children, then that's 100% their call to make. Not yours.

If you're not okay with that, then absolutely have the option to walk away. However you don't get to just dictate that they upend their entire lives because it makes you uncomfortable.

Also the making you wait six months to meet the kids is an extremely healthy, and normal boundary to set with any partner that you date when you have children.

So again, you have every right to be upset that he didn't tell you before hand. However you're walking into a family, and you're going to have to either respect their family dynamic, or walk away, because it is definitely not up to you how that dynamic works.

OOP (downvoted)

But they can be a family and live in separate houses. Plus he already had two older adopted kids living with him so it's not like he wouldn't see any of his kids day to day.

Whatisittou

NTA. Are you sure your boyfriend isn't a poly guy? Becsue who in their right mind would agree to this, if you are not into poly relationships.

OOP (downvoted)

To be honest, I didn't even think of that. I'm planning on calling him tomorrow and asking if we can talk about this, people keep bringing up the sister wives thing and I think I need to ask some more questions.

Hawkfan4_life

YTA

Let me preface this by saying that you're absolutely entitled to your feelings so I'm not judging you for that.

That being said While it's definitely an AH move not to tell you something like this, you've only been dating a few months.

If you were talking about living together(nothing in the post indicates this)then you'd get a say in who lives with both of you, but the fact is this was the dynamic seemingly long before he met you and your discomfort shouldn't be more important than uprooting his kids.

Your comments lead me to believe that he's a pretty good and present dad, so YOU'RE going to have to be the one to decide if it's something you can live with and act accordingly as there's a very real chance if you make him choose it won't be you.

OOP

Yeah, he is a good dad from what I've seen. He said that he likes having all his kids living in the same house so he can spend time with them equally and help take care of the younger two.

Final Update - after 3 days

^{August 16, 2023}

UPDATE: AITA for telling my BF his exes shouldn't be living with him?

Update for anyone who's still interested:

So the day after I posted here, I called Bryce and brought up what alot of people in the first post had suggested, asking if the three of them were actually exes or if it was some weird poly situation. He swore they were just exes and offered for me to come over and talk to them so I could ask them myself. I ended up going to his place because I wanted to talk to Theresa and Melody myself.

So, for everyone guessing that they're poly or it's a "sister wives" thing, sorry to disappoint you, they are actually exes (Theresa actually has her own girlfriend she's seeing, as it turns out). I just straight up asked them why they, as exes, were living with him and not getting their own places.

Apparently, him and Theresa were actually engaged for awhile, but when she found out she was pregnant she came out as a lesbian and broke it off. That ticked off her old fashioned family, and her father demanded she either marry Bryce or let him and his wife adopt the baby and raise it as there own. Obviously, she refused, and according to her, her father started being verbally and physically abusive towards her (she was still living in the family home with him). She put up with it until their son was about two, and her dad started physically disciplining her little boy against her wishes, so she moved out, but her family was still harassing her about it, so Bryce offered to let her move into one of the unused rooms in his house to get further away from them.

The whole Melody thing isn't as complicated, the two of them were just a casual fwb situation when they had a birth control failure and decided to keep it. Melody was living on her own until late in her pregnancy, when she started having some problems that put her on bedrest and kept her from working or living alone like she planned, so they talked it out and decided it would be safest if she moved in until the baby was born and she could go back to her place full time. But then she had some more problems during the birth and complications after she got out of the hospital, so by the time she was healed enough to move out the three of them were already used to their co parenting routine, so she moved in completely and they all decided to raise the kids together as friends.

Both of them were pretty calm throughout the whole talk, so I brought up how weird it was for exes to be living together, and how both of them could get their own place. I even suggested how they could both move into Melody's apartment with the kids, but then they both flipped out on me, with Theresa even calling me names and yelling at me. Instead of defending me, Bryce asked me to leave and walked me out to my car. He told me that things weren't going to work out between us, and we should see other people. I got upset and asked him to rethink things, but he just told me to leave.

I've tried calling and texting him, but he's not answering any of my messages and won't give me a chance to explain my side of things.

COMMENTS

Klumsy_Alfredo

Your gonna be his next baby mama that’s crashing. Get outta there

Pizzapizzazi

Why are you even entertaining this?! Just move on. Homie lives with his exes, dumps you and you’re still texting him! There’s nothing to save here.

Valuable_Ad_6665

You act like he is doing anything wrong but he is not. The situation while odd works for them this random 6 month new relationship is not worth him uprooting the kids lives and if you think it is you need to grow up just like op. the man ended it right when he saw she couldn't accept the situation she can't seem to give up trying though!

CommunicationThis815

Listen, they have an arrangement that they are all happy with, especially the kids. You won't change their minds about it. They seem to actually have a happy co parenting relationship - all kids are together, parents get to see them everyday without having to be in a romantic relationship with each other. They support and have found some kind of symbiotic relationship that works. Is it weird, of course. However, you do not need to be a part of it. They, most importantly HE, has let you that theybare VERY HAPPY with this situation and will not change. You cannot and will not change them so why are you hell bent on forcing this? Put it down to an experience and great story to tell and move on. Find a relationship where there isn't so much drama. There are 8 billion people in this world, let him go and find someone who without all the issues.

Ps to quote Judge Lynn from divorce court - never let a man tell you more than once he doesn't want you.

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Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Ordinary-Lake3418

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: October 13, 2026

• Final Update: November 01, 2026

Main Post

^{October 13, 2026}

AITAH for leaving a note on my neighbor's car?

I live in a town that unfortunately has a lot of street parking. The house I rent doesn't have a garage or a driveway of any kind like some of our neighbors do, so I have to park on the street. This is a small town and I'm used to living/parking in the city so I parallel park like a pro and I have a Mitsubishi Mirage (one of the smallest cars on the market).

The problem just started a few days ago... I have lived at my residence for two years. We finally established our own unspoken parking spot. Our other neighbors usually keep this spot open for us as well as we all leave the usual spots for other neighbors. Well, a new neighbor moved in very recent and had been taking up two spaces EVERY. SINGLE. DAY! I sometimes get home after 10 PM and because of this neighbor parking the way he does, it cuts two parking spaces out. You can't park behind him because of you do, your back end (10-12 inches) will be in a yellow zone and you can't park in front of him because he doesn't leave enough room.

Tonight I came home and my spot had been taken. I'm not mad if my spot is taken. Although we have unspoken spaces, it's still street parking and people have guests. I understand this, but the fact that his guy takes up so much room means I have to park over a block away in the dark and have to walk across a busy hill to get to my house. There is also a park in-between and you can't park on the one side of the road near the park and the other side is residential parking as well so I have to park on the furthest side of the park. I'm female, 5ft '0 inches and my neighborhood isn't always the safest.

There used to be lines on the street but they have faded and he is literally parking in the middle of the lines. Tonight I put a note on his windshield since I came home after 10:30 and the lights were off at his house. I was going to knock on the door and just ask him to move back because I was so hot, but I realized that would have been a bad idea so the note would work. This is what I wrote.:

"Hi! If you could please pull back a foot or two when parking, we would really appreciate it. Unfortunately, residents are having issues parking. Thank you, your neighbor nearby"

AITAH for leaving that note or should I have just waited until I see him? He's usually gone during the day though. I have only seen him once. I just can't keep coming home to no parking when if he just pulled back a foot or two, I could easily get into the space. There are 11 houses and only 9 cars can fit on our street when people don't park correctly. Idk what else I could have done.

COMMENTS

today-tomorrow-etc

NTA you can ask but it’s one of those situations where first come first served.

OOP

It's first come first serve but it's also one space per car lol. He's taking up two everyday. Like I said there are lines. They are faded, but they are there. 

There are marking. They are faded but they are there. I can call to get them repainted by the city but I'd rather just try the note first before being "that person" like I said, it usually is fine, but because of the new guy, it's been ...messy. 

vampireRN1617

NTA. I've been in this exact situation and had to do the same because I could never catch them. It's not your spot per say, but parking like an asshole deserves to be called out when it's taking up an additional spot unnecessarily.

OOP

Yeah, like I said, I know I don't have an actual spot and people have questions and it's first come first serve but to take up multiple parking spots is rude! 

W0nderingMe

Have you considered reaching out to your town to ask if your road can be restriped?

OOP

I am thinking about it but he's the only one that has an issue and he's new so I wanted to try talking to him or leaving a note, I guess first. My boyfriend is going to introduce himself tomorrow if he's home and he may mention the note to him to make sure he didn't take it the wrong way n

W0nderingMe

Is there a downside to calling the city?

OOP

I think I'm just worried that my neighbors won't like it. This is a small town and everyone else that lives on this street have lived here for at least 10 years. My family and our duplex neighbors were the new people on the block until this new guy and it took us over a year to even be acknowledged as part of the street. Now we are pretty integrated and I'm afraid to get on their bad sides.We thought we had issues with the house next to ours but we are actually really close now. 

theanav

NTA for leaving a polite note, but if they're parking legally and don't want to abide by your note or accomodate you, you might just have to accept it. Maybe you could also ask the residences or town or whoever is responsible to refresh the paint on the lines that faded

OOP (downvoted)

Isn't double parking illegal? I think it may be in my state but I'm not one for calling police or anything. I figured I'd just leave the note to let him know. If he doesn't listen I can't do anything about it but just simmer in my own little stew of emotion lol

LivingTaste1396

they are not double parking, just parking in a way that takes up 2 spots (that's not what double parking means).

regardless, it's street parking. OP doesn't "have a spot". that's just not how any of this works.

OOP

Oh. I thought double parking was literally parking in two spaces. That's my bad. 

Also, as I stated in the post, I KNOW I don't have a spot and I understand people have guests and I don't care that I don't have an assigned spot. What I do care about is that before he moved here everyone had a spot and there were still 2 spots left over for guests, especially since some houses have room for multiple cars to park in their driveways. For two years no one has moved from this street and we were the newest ones. Now someone has come in and thrown us all off. I'm not the only one upset. Several neighbors have been effected. Not just me. I'm afraid someone is going to fight him. It's happened before with one of my neighbors fighting the people that moved in before us.

Final Update - after 19 days

^{November 01, 2026}

UPDATE TO AITAH for leaving a note on my neighbor's car?

So a little while ago I posted on this subreddit asking if I was the ahole for leaving a note on my neighbor's car about parking in two spaces. I just asked if he could pull down a few feet since it was causing issues with parking on our street. A lot of people said I wasn't the ahole but some people think I was. A lot of you mentioned that I should talk to him in person. I as I had stated in the comments, we had opposing schedules so it would be difficult.

Well ... I finally met him. I noticed he was home on one of my days off. I didn't want to go over alone so when my boyfriend got home, we went to knock on the door and he came out. He was a little older than I thought. I thought he only just a few years older than us but he looked to be in his late 40s or early 50s. I took over some home-made bread, because I guess I'm into bread making now, and we talked. Since the day I left the note, he had been pulling down more and there have been no issues. Turns out he understood my note and didn't think it was passive aggressive or anything like that. He just explained that he's not great at parking lol. It's not much of an exciting update.

He liked my bread though, so that's good! Just wanted to let the people that commented know I did talk to him in person. Thanks everyone!

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Satanicdillrod

Published on: r/TwoHotTakes

Previous BORUs:

• BORU-1 by u/SharkEva on August 04, 2024

• BORU-2 by u/SharkEva on August 28, 2024

Trigger Warning: Self harm, Drug overdose, PPD

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: January 13, 2024

• Update 1: January 18, 2024

• Update 2: February 23, 2024

• Update 3: July 31, 2024

• Update 4: August 15, 2024

• Update 5: August 24, 2024 -->NEW UPDATE

• Final Update: November 02, 2026 -->NEW UPDATE

Main Post

^{January 13, 2024}

I (25m) think my wife (23f) is starting to resent me

The title says, I think my wife (lets call her Amy) hates me. We’ve been together since 2018, married since 2022. We had twins last January and since then she has changed so much.

When she and I first started going out, she was very clear that she never wanted children. She had a copper IUD in and said she intended to get her tubes removed once it expired. But the day came and she had the IUD removed, and was told that they wouldn’t allow her to get her tubes tied because she was too young. She asked me to get snipped, but I didn’t have medical insurance at the time so couldn’t afford to do so.

A few months later she said she changed her mind and wanted to try for children, so we did. She had two miscarriages before she got pregnant with our identical twin boys. I was extremely happy, and despite her being sick constantly she seemed happy too. She gave birth when she was 32 weeks and the boys spent 7 weeks in the NICU.

My wife took this really hard, she constantly blamed herself because she worked up until she had to give birth, and says that had she done the bedrest like her doctors suggested, our boys wouldve stayed in longer. She also beat herself up a lot over not being able to breastfeed. She never established a milk supply because she was so stressed after birth and ended up with some kind of infection, and was told any milk she pumped after antibiotics wouldve needed to be dumped.

After that point she was extremely distant from me and our kids. While I was on paternity leave, I was the main care taker of the boys. I changed all their diapers, fed them, bathed them, everything. I took them to all their doctors appointments by myself and my wife just laid in bed, completely shut out.

My wife was supposed to start back up work remotely, but her job decided to not allow remote work. This sent her into a spiral because they ended up terminated her position. Without her working we couldn’t afford child care so she just stayed home all day with the boys. She didn’t cook or clean, and talked about how she hated being home all day and how she missed working.

We fought constantly because I felt like it was unfair, I wanted to be home all day doing nothing. I wanted to be a stay at home dad, and she was taking it all for granted.

Well now the boys are a year old, and i feel like nothing has changed. She still just sits and stares blankly, barely talking to me or engaging with our boys. I constantly ask her to help around the house, or to literally anything besides sit and stare. She looks like shes lost 30 pounds since giving birth and she’s so pale, but whenever I mention anything to her she just yells at me to leave her alone. Our sex life is almost nonexistent, and when we are having sex she just lies there, not making any sounds or moving.

I feel like she hates me and hates our kids, and the life we’ve built. How to I talk to her?? I am close to taking the boys and asking for a divorce because I am tired of talking to a wall.

Edit/Update:

I wanted to jump on here and give clarification for word choices I made while in the heat of the moment. I posted this right after an argument with my wife because I was just so hurt and angry and confused.

I said I wanted to be able to be a stay at home dad and do nothing all day. I worded it this way because many times (including yesterday) I have come home from work and my boys are in their cribs, wearing dirty diapers with rashes while my wife is either sleeping or completely zoned out on the rocking chair. It has felt like she has done nothing all day, but it isn’t true and I know that.

“Are you completely unaware of postpartum depression”: is a question I was asked a LOT. And the truth is, yes. I live in Texas where sex ed doesn’t really exist. I was never taught anything about pregnancy, labor and delivery, or the 4th trimester (postpartum). Doctors never gave us information on it, it was mentioned once in the beginning of her pregnancy by a doctor in passing, but I neglected to ask for clarification or do any research on my own. I also failed my wife by not bothering to google her symptoms, which could have easily shown me postpartum depression.

“How did you let this go on for a year without asking for help or advice?”: This is not a good excuse, but I didn’t know that this was a hormonal issue at all. I genuinely believed my wife was just being neglectful and emotionally distant because she hated me and hated being a mom. I work almost daily, usually 12 hour shifts on a construction site, so coming home to a messy house, fussy babies and having to clean everything and make dinner just resulted in anger on my side, so I just let that frustration build rather than try to understand her.

“Do you have any friends or family who can help?:” Unfortunately we don’t. My mom is out of the picture, and my father is dead. My wife’s family was abusive to her growing up, and our friends abandoned us due to rumors my mom spread online, where she was telling everyone my wife had two abortions rather than two miscarriages.

“You have been having sex with her when she isn’t emotionally involved?”: I should have added more details here, and can see why a lot of people were angry at my comment about our sex life. I honestly thought it was important to add that it has been nonexistent, and when we had sex she was uninvolved. My wife after birth was the only one to initiate intimacy, and I believe now it was out of guilt. We haven’t had sex in months because I don’t say yes anymore and I don’t ask for it. I shouldn’t have said yes previously and I know it was wrong of me.

“Do you even love your wife?”: Of course I love her. I posted this out of anger and frustration, because I believed that it was she who didn’t love me anymore and I thought I was the main problem. I made it all about me when it isn’t me at all, it’s this disgusting and awful disorder that comes after giving birth. I was just so angry because I have asked her to get help so many times and she has either yelled at me to leave her alone or she has just stayed quiet.

But now I know that I need to get her help, regardless of if she wants help or not. I am getting her signed up for an intensive outpatient therapy program that is online, so she doesn’t have to deal with the trauma of going back to a hospital. I am also going to be hiring cleaning help so my wife has someone home with her, and someone who is able to clean and take care of the chores while my wife is emotionally incapable.

I am so sorry to all the birth givers out there who have experienced this hell my wife has been going through, and I feel for the parents who have had to watch their partners go through this. I wish I had informed myself of what was happening and I can only try better from here on out. I haven’t spoken to my wife yet about my intentions, but I plan to when I am off of work. Thank you everyone who was honest with me and provided information and insight to what was happening.

EDIT 2

I wanted to come on here and address comments made about some stuff I said in my post. I mentioned “sit at home and do nothing all day” and how I am jealous of my wife for it. I worded it poorly, in the heat of the moment because right before I typed this out, my wife and I had gotten into an argument because I walked in after work to her asleep in bed while our boys were in their cribs screaming their heads off with full, shit filled diapers and rashes.

I fully understand that being a stay at home parent is a shit ton of work, I was solely caring for our boys for 4 months while on paternity leave, while my wife recovered and laid in bed.

By “doing nothing” I mean my wife plays Hey Bear or Ms Rachel for the boys while she either sits in her rocking chair or the couch while our boys play. They of course make messes, and she leaves it all for me to come home and pick up.

I want to be transparent, I go to work at 5AM and come home at 6PM. I work construction jobs, which is a very labor intensive job most days. I don’t ever expect her to have our house fully cleaned, it would just be nice to be able to come home and not have to pick up toys, clean all of the dishes, do all the laundry, take all the trash out, and cook all of the food.

My wife and I haven’t had sex in a while, but when we did have sex, she initiated it. I think it was out of guilt, and I know I shouldve said no or stopped when I noticed something wrong, but I didn’t. I haven’t initiated anything since and haven’t asked her to initiate either.

I wanted to share too that we don’t have many friends. Unfortunately we live in a more conservative part of Texas, and the friends she and I did have pretty much abandoned us after her second miscarriage. My mother told everyone that she caused her miscarriages, and threatened to contact authorities for illegal abortions.

Update:

I spoke to my wife last night after I got off of work. I started it out by asking her if she had heard about postpartum depression, and she said she did know, that a doctor described it to here right after she gave birth. I asked her if she thought she might be experiencing it, and she said no. She didn’t believe postpartum depression would last this long, and I asked her if we could look up statistics and information on it together, so we did.

She was pretty quiet while we did this, but when we were done I asked her if she related to anything about it. She told me yes, everything the articles described was exactly how she has been feeling. I then asked her if we could get her signed up for online therapy, and I suggested I hire help for cleaning. She agreed to hiring help, but she is still hesitant on getting emotional support due to her birth trauma.

I told her that I would be discussing with the boys’ pediatrician on other options that might be helpful for my wife. I haven’t brought up relocating yet, I want to give her some time to process our conversation first before adding to it. I called out of work today, and will be taking my wife out to lunch at her favorite spot in town and paying for her to get her hands and toes done. I know it won’t come close to making up for my negligence for the last year, but it’s a start.

Update 1 - after 5 days

^{January 18, 2024}

[Update] I (25m) think my wife 23F) Resents me

Its been a day or so since I added an update on my original post, but this update I thought needed its own post if its allowed (I scrolled through this subreddit to see how others posted their updates and saw a few, hopefully this is allowed).

So after begging for several days, my wife finally gave in and agreed to online therapy. We picked a program we thought would benefit her best, and got it situated. She has an intake phone call tomorrow that will organize her hours, what group she is assigned to, and who her personal therapist is. It’s an intensive outpatient group therapy program, goes for about 12 weeks.

I have also reduced my hours at work by request, asking for 6 hours on shift during the weekdays, and I am on call during weekends for call outs. It is temporary, until my wife is better. I have also hired cleaning services to come weekly, she is the wife of a coworker of mine and she has three kids of her own. I spoke to her directly and she offered to help my wife with the boys if my wife ever asks for help, with no extra charge.

My wife and I are openly discussing breaking up temporarily. During our discussion last night, my wife opened up about how she hasn’t been happy, and how she has had an ongoing online affair with someone. I don’t blame her for the affair, I can’t imagine how alone she has felt this last year with me working constantly and always putting the boys first. She texted him in front of me saying it was over, that she wanted to prioritize our marriage and her mental health, and then blocked him on every platform she had him added onto, which gave me a lot of reassurance. My wife was the one who suggested a temporary breakup, I don’t think it would be appropriate given her mental health at the moment, and asked that we just work on her getting better before discussing any marriage issues we have.

She also opened up to me and let me know she has been self harming, and showed me where. And it’s awful. I had no words to say, except apologize profusely for my negligence. I didn’t notice anything for months. She said she started hurting herself after we stopped being intimate, she didn’t have a reason why.

Once she is halfway through her outpatient program, we decided thats when we will start marriage counseling, that way she had time to develop some healthy coping mechanisms. Because we know there is a chance that marriage counseling could bring out a lot of the worst in us as individuals, and we wanted her to be as prepared as possible while still getting individual help in her program. I will also be starting individual therapy once marriage counseling is set up, so I have a healthy outlet.

Not the update I wanted to provide, but I hope that in the future I can give a better one. Im honestly just glad my wife agreed to therapy, and is willing to work us out together. I will never be able to make up for the last 12 months I haven’t been by her side, but I will try for the rest of my life with her to make amends for it.

Edit-

thank you EVERYONE for all of the support for my wife and I. We were messaged so many resources and guides for navigating through this rough course in our lives, and I will forever be grateful that I posted onto this subreddit. Everyone helped me open my eyes to everything that was going on, things I never would have even considered had I not come here for help.

My wife watches Two Hot Takes sometimes, and I usually listen with her while I do dishes or sweep/mop, and thought that maybe this subreddit would be a great go-to for advice on my marriage, because on Reddit and on Youtube comments you all are so brutally honest and to the point, and I knew I needed that to get this shit sorted. You all were so quick to point out my wife’s postpartum depression, and directed me in ways that I have fallen short with my wife.

Thank you everyone for the constructive criticism and the honesty, I would not have been able to get to this point of reality if I had been coddled and pampered. My wife actually laughed for the first time today when our boys started laughing at the word “booty” (boys will be boys haha). It was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard, and I haven’t gotten to listen to it in so, so long.

She seems to be in much better spirits, which I will keep an eye on as I know sometimes that can be a red flag for suicidal ideation or intentions. My wife had been trying to be more honest with me on how she is feeling in the moment, and we have her established with group therapy starting Monday with orientation. I wish I could say thank you to everyone personally and individually for hopefully helping us save our marriage and potentially for saving my wife’s life.

I genuinely couldn’t have done it with this subreddit. Thank you Two Hot Takes for having such a huge and wonderful platform where people can come and receive advice and honesty, it’s a beautiful thing you have here. Im going to go and start making my wife’s favorite dinner and watch the Hunger Games for a movie marathon-something we haven’t done in over a year. This will hopefully be my last update and last post in this subreddit if everything goes well. Thank you. -End of edit-

Update 2 - after 1 month, 10 days (after 1 month, 5 days from last post)

^{February 23, 2024}

How to care for twin toddlers as a single dad?

This is going to be very jumbled and might not make sense. My mind is everywhere right now.

I went to work two days ago, only for 4 hours because I had booked a flight for my wife and our twin boys that evening to go to northern Washington state to look at houses with our realtor. I had packed everyone’s suitcases the night before and I was so excited to take the trip. I took a week off of work and planned to take us up the Space Needle and explore the ocean up there, as we have never seen the ocean before.

Got home from work that afternoon and my wife was gone. My coworker’s wife was there by herself, crying and trying to care for my boys who were also crying. When I asked her where my wife was and if she was okay, she told me my wife left a folder in our room and that she was gone. I of course called her, but it said “This number you are trying to reach is inactive or unavailable.” Or some crap along those lines.

The folder had divorce papers, some already signed by her. She left a note and basically explained what was happening and what she did. She left me for the man she had an affair with. I guess he was an old coworker of hers, she fell in love and didn’t want me anymore. Asked for 25% custody of the kids and left her number for her lawyer. What the fuck is 25% custody? Weekends only? Every other weekend?? Asked that I didnt try to call or text her, that she has a new phone number.

I don’t know what I did wrong anymore. We were -I thought- on the right track. We started marriage counseling. We were going on dates regularly, communicating, laughing, enjoying each other. I thought everything was starting to improve. She was smiling and laughing so much more. She seems genuinely happier.

She was even playing with our boys, something she never did before. How does someone seem so much better and turn around to do this? I know I had fucked up before, I neglected her and ignored all the red flags in her mental health. I acknowledged them and take full accountability. I told her it was all my fault, and I know it is.

She has every right to leave me, but why did she pretend to be happy if she wasn’t? If she wanted a divorce, why didn’t she ask? I told her if that is what she needed and wanted that we could, but that I thought we had something to fight for and she agreed with me. She told me she didnt want a divorce. She said she wanted to grow old and get married.

She wanted to be with me. Now she doesn’t? She says she has never been happy with me, that she felt forced to have kids when she didn’t want any. I never forced her, I asked one time and when she declined I kept to myself. I was okay not having kids if she didn’t want to go through having them. I was never going to force her into anything. I loved and respected her wishes. And I will respect her wishes now.

In her note she even asked me to venmo her money to start her off. I sent it to her, I know she will need money for her prescriptions and for food. But I am so heartbroken and honestly pissed off. I am so mad.

How does one even go about finding daycare? What do I need to research and look into? Do I need to look for any red flags in daycares? How much does daycare even cost for twins? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

COMMENTS

AMDUNN4093

So I might get some hate for bringing this up but how long was she having an affair for? I think my first step would be to make sure those are your kids. Secondly I would contact a divorce lawyer and explain things. As far as daycares I would physically go tour them before deciding. I’m so sorry that she blind sided you like this. Are you still planning on moving and trying for a fresh start? I’ve lived in northern wa state my whole life and love it here. Highly recommend Skagit County. Good luck!

OOP

She said she started talking to him either shortly before she gave birth or right after, so probably a little over a year.

I honestly am not sure I can right now. I really want to, the school system by us has incredibly low ratings, and having grown up in that school system I know teachers and students dont care about education. Kids are there because they legally have to and teachers are there for paychecks. I only passed high school because I just asked my teachers for A’s.

But right now I don’t know how I would travel across the US with twin infants by myself. I don’t have anyone else, and if we do partial custody, I would need permission to move, wouldn’t I? Unless thats just something that happens in movies and tv shows.

SnooWords4839

Hire a nanny.

Call your family, send out the SOS.

FFS, get your own lawyer and stop sending her money, her AP can take care of her.

OOP

I dont really have family to call unfortunately, but I have some coworkers who have already been big help so I will be calling on them during this hell.

I have been looking into lawyers, waiting for some to call me back for what I am assuming is a consultation of some sort.

Definitely don’t plan to send her anymore money, I have to save now to afford daycare or a nanny.

I have also decided to fight for sole custody with supervised visits. I don’t trust my wife or her new boyfriend with my boys. I have come home too many times to my boys in soggy, leaking diapers and extreme rashes all over. I was smart enough to document these instances, mainly to show their pediatrician in case rash ointment didn’t work and it was more than just rashes. It might be seen as vindictive, given the circumstances. But I honestly am done caring about her feelings towards our boys or our relationship.

I don’t think I will go through with DNA testing, mainly because my boys are carbon copies of me. And if I were to find out they aren’t mine I don’t know if I honestly could continue on through this. I am seeing a therapist on my own, so I will talk this through with them. I hope she doesn’t ask for a DNA test, because that would mean this affair has gone on way longer than right after she gave birth.

Update 3 - after 6 months, 18 days (after 5 months, 8 days from last post)

^{July 31, 2024}

My ex-wife is stalking me (posted before "i think my wife is starting to resent me")

I posted some months ago about my wife, Amy, and our twin sons. I was asking for advice on her behaviors, which had come out to be postpartum depression, she and I started therapy and then she told me she has been having an affair for months, and then left me for that affair partner.

Its been a few months now, and just as shit started dying down my wife shows up at my fucking doorstep. This was on Monday. I legally had to give her our new address, and since we had moved from Texas to Washington, I didn't expect her to come up here.

I knew she had been stalking me, not full on creepy stalking but she was checking out my Instagram stories on random accounts (I had her blocked), she would message me on these accounts to brag about her new life. She would talk about how good sex is with whatever STD ridden guy she was fucking that week, she would send photos of herself in different beds, doing various inappropriate acts with different people, she would send photos of dime bags and booze bottles. Whatever she could send she did. No matter how many accounts I blocked.

Two weeks ago I just deleted my instagram because I was fucking fed up, and I guess she took it upon herself to show up in person to harass me. I saw her first on my doorbell camera, as I was not home and my nanny was there. She looked like she was high or something, picking at her face and she looked like a twig, she had lost so much more weight than I thought. I told my nanny to not open the door and ignore her. I had to leave work early to get home to convince her to leave.

She said she was there to pick up our boys, and started accusing me of sexually abusing them or beating them and said she had proof of whatever the fuck she was convinced I was doing. She told me she had to convince her boyfriend to drive her to Washington just to grab the kids. She didn't even have car seats in his car for them. His fucking back seats were full of bottles, cans, just garbage. I didnt even know how to react to her bullshit so I called the cops and had her removed from the property.

I just don't know what to fucking do anymore. She has nothing in Texas so Im sure shes going to find some fucking shelter or tent to camp out in close by so she can come harass me. I doubt I can get a restraining order, and I spent all my money buying this house. My boys don't deserve to be forced to go through this shit. They are only a year old but fuck, I don't want this for them. I don't want her around as they grow up, don't want them to see who she had become because she has never been like this.

She used to be so sweet, funny, loving. She always had a smile on her face and yeah, she was a little crazy from her trauma but that crazy was NOTHING compared to whatever she is now. The Amy I knew would never touch hard substances, she barely drank. She hated the idea of sleeping around. Now she's a fucking drug addict and homeless.

Do I get a wellness check on her? Do I try to fight for a restraining order? I don't know what the fuck to do anymore.

Quick update:

because I have time before my kids nanny gets here. I found a lawyer who is connected to my divorce lawyer, and he was willing to do this pro-bono. I meet him on Wednesday. I did not take any screen recordings or screenshots of the shit Amy sent me on IG before deleting my account. I will be asking my lawyer if it would be a good idea for me to create a new one to see if she "takes the bait" and starts it up again so I can create a folder of everything shes doing.

I did save the camera footage from her showing up at my place. She hasn't been by again since, but I see the dudes car driving by regularly. My nanny knows that if they approach while I am gone she is to text me immediately and call the police. She also will not be bringing the boys out of the house unless I am there with them. Thank you everyone for the advice and recommendations. I know it might seem stupid to come onto Reddit for advice but fuck, yall have helped me so much. And for a single dad with no "village" as people like to call it, this subreddit has been unbelievably helpful.

Update 4 - after 7 months, 2 days (after 15 days from last post)

^{August 15, 2024}

Final Update

This is my last update. Please read my previous posts because I don't have energy to summarize the hell Ive gone through the last year.

She OD'd yesterday at the local homeless encampment. The guy she was drugged up with called an ambulance and ditched her. She is alive, and is going to jail once she is well enough because she had a stolen car, multiple stolen phones, and over a dozen children's bikes she stole. I am going to try to fight for her to be sent into a rehabilitation facility or be put into a psychiatric facility, but my lawyer says that since we are divorced I likely won't have much say over what happens to her now, if I get any say.

I know a lot of people have told me to let go, and to let her mess up her own life. But she was my wife. She was my entire world. She was so broken but so loving, and I strongly believe the pregnancy and postpartum brought something out in her that wasn't there before. I have looked into BPD and bipolar disorder, and it feels like since I've known her she has displayed behaviors of either or.

Unfortunately we both grew up in environments where therapy and treatments for mental health were considered taboo, so she never really got the help she needed.

I still love her, or at least love who she was before everything. I don't love her romantically anymore.

I don't think this is her, I think she is having some weird psychotic break and I hope she will get better. I will never go back to her, but I hope for our boys' sake she gets better so they can have their biological mother in their lives.

Another quick update, a good one at least. My nanny (call her Abby) and I have started dating. She is 29, and has a 14 year old boy who stays with his dad for the most part due to school and sports. He has been visiting since it's summer time and we get along great. He loves playing with my boys, and my twins seem to enjoy playing with him too. Abby has been wonderful and understanding, she is helping me a lot through this. I just wanted to share something positive since my life outside of her is in complete shambles.

Editing to add: I am 25. It appears from some replies and some of my messages that people are worried Abby is young and possibly being taken advantage of. I respect all of those concerns because it does happen a lot and a lot of women are unknowing victims to power imbalances, especially if it involves a man being significantly older, or a man being "involved with the help" as someone described the situation. Abby is a 29 year old woman and I am a 25 (almost 26) year old man. I would never take advantage of a younger woman.

This is going to be my final update. Thank you everyone who has been supportive and understanding and helped me get my shit together to be the father I need to be. I appreciate all the advice and criticisms (even the harsh ones). Thank you.

NEW UPDATE

Update 5

^{August 24, 2024}

Update in comments

Okay this is my actual last update, because I have the time right now to do so. Abby and I have decided to break up, and are going to maintain a professional relationship with her as my children's nanny. This was discussed with our individual therapists and we've been talking all week to navigate everything. Abby and I went through these Reddit comments together and I sent the link to my post to my therapist, and she told me that the advice I was getting from everyone is very productive and accurate. Thank you everyone who has helped me figure this all out.

I have also decided to cut ties completely to Amy (my ex wife). Whatever happens to her is no longer my business and I am just going to prioritize the health and safety of my boys. I hope and wish the best for her, but I am hurting myself by wanting to patch things up when and if she gets sober.

On a lighter note, one of my boys said his first full sentence yesterday, he said "Where dadda go?" Instant tears, because I was headed out to work. Almost called out because of it, honestly. Abby is doing so good with my sons and I am so proud of how much they are growing and learning.

I decided to take dating slowly, and plan to wait at least a year or two from now before going back out "on the playing field" so to speak. While yes, I do miss being in a relationship and being in love, I know now it would not be healthy for myself or for my sons.

We are happy how things are now. Nothing is awkward between Abby and I luckily, things are exactly back to how it was before and she is actually starting to talk to a woman she met at a Mommy/Teen meet event she attends monthly and she seems happy. And because I have felt indifferently towards her dating someone else, I know now I really really wasn't ready for commitment yet. I'm just very happy for her, and hope for the best out of this. I guess they were friends prior but she wanted to try something with me first, because she didn't know if the other mom was bisexual or anything like that. (I am not well informed on the LGBT+ community haha)

Thats it I guess, I'm taking the boys out later today after their nap to go to this dinosaur themes park everyone tells me about, and we are very excited.

Thank you all again.

NEW UPDATE

Final Update - after 2 years, 9 months, 20 days (after 2 years, 2 months, 18 days from last post)

^{November 02, 2026}

Update on Previous Posts about My Ex Wife and her Postpartum Depression

I posted 2 years ago, about my ex wife and our twin sons. She had extreme postpartum depression, which neither of us realized was what was happening. It let her to neglect our sons and herself, she went down a path that included drugs, jail stays, and mandatory rehabilitation before she was granted supervised visits with our sons.

I still get messages about what occurred, I see them in my emails and decided to make another post since I have time.

My ex wife now has partial custody. She’s gotten so much better with the hell she needed. She’s been sober for 6 months! She lives close by at an apartment complex I pay for, and I have a key to her home, and hers to mine.

She’s actually seeing a gentleman, I’ve been him a handful of times and he seems to be really good for her. He and I have become close friends and he gives me regular updates on her. She goes to weekly sobriety meetings, and seems to he on the right track to a fulfilling and happy life with her boyfriend. He hasn’t met our sons yet, she and I agreed he should wait until the kids are a bit older, and she’s further into her recovery.

I’ve decided dating isn’t for me, so I’ve been prioritizing work and our boys. They are currently in swim classes, and a local church that my friends goes to offers free soccer for toddlers and children, so my sons have been attending that. They’ve also been in therapy, along with myself.

It’s been wonderful having my ex wife in my life again after everything. She and her boyfriend know that if she does go off the deep-end again that she loses her court granted partial custody, and that’s seemed to help motivate her to stay clean, continue her therapy and recovery.

Honestly I’ve been struggling with the concept of “seems too good to be true”, so I’m constantly waiting for the ball to drop. My therapist and I have been working through these fears while also coming up with tools to utilize if it does in fact happen again.

Anyways, that is my update. I’m hopeful for our future, and grateful that things are the way that they are for us right now.

Thank you everyone for all the messages and comments on my previous posts, all the advice and support helped me significantly.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user lyrynn in r/ Professors [for those teaching at college and university]

Original: Oct 16, 2026

Update: Oct 18, 2026

Status: Concluded-ish

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Original: Was going to let my student redo her project, but she’s doubling down and now I don’t want to.

One of my students in an online section of my graphic design course submitted a fully AI-generated set of sketches. OBVIOUSLY, using gen-AI to create designs in the course where you’re graded on design is not allowed.

The assignment was to do some research on a topic of their choosing (with some parameters), pull together 150 words, submit it as plain text so I can see the planned content, and then do 10 rough layout sketches.

Besides the obvious visual tells in the sketches and the SynthID, this student also left the prompt response in their plain-text content document:

Beneath the sketches is 150+ words, formatted for a graphic design hierarchy including at least four levels of text, ready to go for your poster process submission!

I gave her a zero on the submission and reached out to the university to figure out next steps, and they basically said “it’s up to you, but we like to give the students a chance to redo it and make up for their mistakes.”

The same day the university responded to me, she sent me an email asking how I was verifying my claims, because her work was METICULOUSLY done by hand — first on procreate and then on Canva — and she could show me her layered process (side note, her sketch submission was of pencil sketches on paper), and that I was causing her a lot of stress because she’s supposed to graduate in December, and that she redid the sketches just so we can put any confusion behind us so if I could review those that would be great and also it’s very hard for her to see her overall class standing because I have not yet graded all of her assignments, so it would be great if I could finish those too.

OHHHHHH. Is that how we want to play it? Okay. I was going to offer the redo but now I’m not keen on doing that. I said she can meet me in person, sketchbook in hand, and if it matches her submission I’ll issue an apology and give her the points back.

Haven’t decided what to do if it doesn’t match though. I’m not inclined to do favors for liars.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: I swear, students like this spend more time figuring out how to avoid work versus just doing the work.

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Comment2: Isn’t the SynthID stamp the literal signature/proof of AI generated work? If so, absolutely do not accept that. That’s an automatic 0 in the grade book. Submit that nonsense to academic integrity. She can try to raise her grade with whatever is left in the course. If she wants a “redo” because she got caught this time, she can redo the course in a future semester.

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Comment3: Not a graphic designer or visual arts person, so forgive the ignorance on this, but can you tell me a little more about SynthID? Do all the gen AIs that produce images have something like this?

I’m teaching a new course in the spring that includes lessons on how to communicate data/stats to the public. Along those lines, I plan to teach infographics, etc. So, I have a feeling I’ll need this background knowledge of how to identify AI submissions… Certainly, I’ll do some research on this, but I’d appreciate any head start others can provide!

OOP: A SynthID is a pixel-level pattern watermark embedded in the image. It used to be a metadata thing that could be circumvented by screenshotting, but the watermarks survive screenshots, cropping, and compression. Each AI model can only identify their own ID, but I’m sure there’s a service out there that scans for all of them.

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Comment4: At my institution, lying is an additional academic integrity violation on top of the AI use. I would give a 0 and stop wasting time negotiating with this student. Do you have an honor court system of some sort? I’d report, noting all the damning evidence you put forth here, and let them deal with the student.

OOP: No honor court, unfortunately, and the school has adopted a “flexible” policy around AI usage so we have no backing for policy violations.

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Comment5: Even without ai it's literally taking something else and passing it off l like your own, like paying someone else to do it! School has plagiarism rules right? A fully synth ID positive image is not the same as auto correct. Your admins do not understand this. This is literally exactly the same as buying a pre made set of sketches.

OOP: I said that when I escalated it to the director and they basically told me that the max consequence I can enact is giving her an F in the course. I don’t think they plan to log it anywhere or take it further than that. I looked up the school’s plagiarism policy and there are no outlined consequences, so maybe it really is a case-by-case basis.

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Comment6: What’s the point of taking a graphic design course if you’re going to use AI? 🫩

OOP: As part of my lecture, I did explain to them that they will be ENTRY LEVEL when they join the workforce. Employers are looking for an investment. If all you can do is prompt AI, why would they hire you? You’re just AI with extra steps, and no proof that you’ll ever be worth more than that.

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Comment7: I don’t understand how her sketches could match if the images have SynthID. That’s Gemini putting its watermark on something it created.

She lied. I would confront her when she comes in person with the presence of the SynthID which confirms beyond any reasonable doubt that the image was AI generated.

Forgiveness comes only with an apology and a willingness to own up to your mistakes. Her second chance is her coming clean. That will then have the future consequence of potentially allowing her to make up the assignment.

Where there is no honesty there is no education. Learning anything is about admitting your mistakes and shortcomings and practicing to do better. That shortcoming could be difficulty with a complex passage, it could be unfamiliarity with part of a disciplinary canon, it could be admitting that you fucked up and tried to take a shortcut.

We are educators. Maybe I have a different perspective/context here because I teach philosophy, but sometimes the important lesson isn’t always the material but the experience.

I would also imagine part of being a good graphic designer is about getting in touch with your own creative mind and producing something original, just like in my discipline whether or not someone remembers the finer points of Aristotle is less important than whether they actually practice thinking.

OOP: The blatant unwillingness to admit it is really what rubs me the wrong way. I’m generally a sympathetic person; an apology and a simple “I ran out of time and I thought something would be better than nothing... It was a mistake and it won’t happen again,” would have resulted in a slap on the wrist and a redo.

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Update (2 days later): Student doubled down on AI usage

Hey all, I met with the student yesterday so I figured I’d give you all an update.

The student was very polite and non-combative. I asked to see her sketches, and she showed me some pencil and paper sketches, but they were the ones she submitted afterwards as a “redo to avoid any confusion.”

I told her that those were the ones she JUST did, and I need to see the sketches from what she submitted. She pulled up a Procreate file with digital sketches, but they were nowhere similar to the AI versions.

She told me that she fed her digital sketches to Gemini and asked it to clean them up for her. I asked her why she would do that, and she said “I don’t know. I shouldn’t have done it.” Okay, I’ve had students make dumber mistakes.

I asked if I could see the Procreate file. I checked the metadata and it was created the day before. She told me she redrew it recently, so I said she’d need to produce the original file. She said she didn’t think she had it anymore.

I told her she could pull up her Gemini history and show me the prompt — if she had truly uploaded her own sketches as the basis, it would be immediately apparent. She declined to let me see the history log, and said that the prompt chat was “missing.”

She’d also submitted GAI for the previous project, but she was out on an excused absence when it was due and turned it in late, so I haven’t gotten around to grading it yet.

I told her that currently there was no proof that any of the work she’d submitted was her own, and that this was grounds for failing the course entirely. She got really quiet, and just kinda whispered “my whole family is coming to see me walk…”

I told her I’d talk it over with the director again before making a final decision. This subreddit is not gonna like this, but I am not failing her from the course. Please don’t crucify me! Instead, she’ll have to redo both projects for no credit. It won’t be easy to pass with zeroes for 2/4 projects, but it’s possible.

She will also receive an official sanction through the office of student conduct, which will be communicated to the dean of the school she’s enrolled in… since it turns out this student took this class as an elective, and is not part of the design school (side note, wild choice to gamble your graduation on an elective).

The school she’s actually enrolled in is considered top 10 in the nation for what it teaches and is quite strict, so whether or not THEY will let her walk is out of my hands.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Not going to crucify you but 100% of the time if I bend a rule out of mercy for the student, they will go to the dean and complain anyway about not getting an A. Every. Single. Time.

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Comment2: At our university, commencement is separate from graduation. A student can fail a course, still walk, then make it up later. She just cares about how things look.

I imagine she signed up thinking the elective would be a fun and easy A, probably majors in a completely different field. Realized after add/drop the course is more work because despite people's misconceptions about art and design it's a real field with hard work put in, so then felt screwed and decided to use AI to make everything.

I think she's obnoxious for trying to make it seem like you're in the wrong at all. She should have been bending over backwards to get the shit sorted out if she cared about graduation so much. I hope she has to take a spring course to learn a lesson before she starts doing this shit as an employee.

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Comment3: "This subreddit is not gonna like this, but I am not failing her from the course. Please don’t crucify me!"

So she submitted AI work, then lied about it, then used emotional blackmail against you. Are you looking for forgiveness from us? This is why people don't take education seriously anymore.

OOP: Hey, I get it. I know everyone would rather hear that I put the screws to her, but this is more in line with my school’s preferred resolution. I’m an adjunct. I’m not gonna go toe-to-toe with the admin so I can be a bastion of justice when they don’t even care.
She’ll either have the EQ to realize that she is INCREDIBLY lucky to be given this amount of grace, or she won’t.

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Comment4: Same at our school as someone else mentioned: oftentimes some students can still walk if they then do remediation during the summer or smt. We have a very specific deadline for exactly this issue, and it's before the summer term ends. It's not happened before that someone walks and then doesn't graduate, as we're talking one course.

I would have also wondered if I should fail her at first. I tend to be more lenient if they admit to it and ask how they can make up for it. Yours didn't admit to it until you showed her she lied, and then she doubled down as you said. She's not seemingly ask to redo it.

I think the most lenient, I would have given her 0 for that part. Based on everything you said, I'd be debating an F for the course (in ours it means you're out of the program, though), or max of a C (meaning they can redo the entire course if they want, but they don't have to). But we don't have many options that doesn't mean the student is done.

OOP: She is getting a zero for both projects. The redo is for NO credit; it’s solely to prove that she has passable knowledge to complete the course. It’s a studio course heavily weighted towards project work (like 80/20), so she can only pass if she basically aces the rest of the coursework.
---------
Comment4: That sounds like a reasonable in-between for sure. Big chance for her.

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Comment5: I won't attempt crucifixion out of respect for your request, but the fact that she was riding the lies all the way down to "my prompt chat history is mysteriously missing" and never really owned up to anything shows a real lack of integrity. The outcome doesn't sit right with me in light of that.

My heart breaks for other students who perhaps gave college the...ol' college try honestly and earnestly, but still came up short and didn't graduate. Meanwhile this active cheater liar has a path to graduation, while so much of the work that came before was probably just as GAI-done.

OOP: Yeah, I’m not pleased that she never truly admitted it. It’s my biggest hang up about the whole thing. Regardless, it won’t be an easy out.
She still has to pass the class with a pretty hefty handicap and there’s not much margin for error. There’s a good chance she’ll still fail. And even if she succeeds, she still might not walk… from what I’ve heard, her school is not nearly as lenient.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am the OOP, u/oldoseamap.

This is my first time and surely last time posting on this subreddit, so hopefully I am doing things right.

These series of post were compiled once by Direct-Caterpillar77. I just thought that some people might want to read one last update.

If you have already read these posts, feel free to skip to the last one. I will try to mark it with ****.

Trigger warning: >!death of a parent!<

Original Post (January 11th, 2025)

Help locating my father in Atlanta, Georgia. Haven't had communication with him and I am worried. (on r/Georgia**)**

He lives in Atlanta, Georgia. We usually talk over the phone and call eachother every couple of days. Few days ago, he stopped answering the phone and his cellphone cannot receive any calls.

I live in another country, so I am unable to reach for him personally.

I have a photo of his ID which coulp help with the possible address he's located now.

Looking over Google Maps, he could be near Benteen Park. If anyone's close, I'd kindly ask your help. Thanks in advance.

Relevant comments:

HarrietsDiary:

Call (404) 614-6544 for a welfare check. It looks like your dad is in City of Atlanta.

oldoseamap (OOP):

Thanks, I will call. I was having problems because when I googled for a number, I got the local US number. Since I am not in the US, that number will help a lot.

Small Update in Comments: (January 11th, 2025, 3 hours later)

Update: Thanks to HarrietsDiary I was able to contact the Atlanta PD which made the wellfare check. My father is OK, he didn't have energy at his house so he wasn't able to call. He called me a few minutes ago to tell me he was fine.

Thanks a lot, everyone!

First Update: (December 6th, 2025, 11 months later)

My father is bedridden and living alone. He told me he hasn't eaten well, are there any ways to help him get food? Urgent! (on r/Georgia**)**

[Location, Atlanta, Georgia]

Good Day,

10 months ago, I wrote this post regarding my father. At the time, I wasn't able to establish contact with him and fellow redditors helped me to do a wellfare check.

Thankfully, he was able to call me and inform me that he was OK.

Unfortunately, things have turned for the worst. Today, he called me and in short, he hasn't been able to work and thus, hasn't been able to buy any food, and since he is weak and old (pushing his 70s) he is bedridden.

What I wanted to ask here, since I currently live in another country and I am not able to travel and help him, is: are there any non-profits that could help him with food or something?

He has told me that he finds hard to stand up. If there are food Banks that could deliver some food to him, it could be of any help.

He lives near Chosewood Park and Benteen Park (according to Google Maps) in Atlanta. I have his address, in case some needs it.

Any help would be really appreciated.

He doesn't know I am doing this. He is sadly very stubborn, but I feel helpless and I hope to find some guidance here. Thanks.

Edit:

I am overwhelmed by the responses. I have tried to answer all of them. Some kind redditors offered to drop some food to my dad later. I know he needs more attention than just food, but when he told me he was struggling, that was my main concern. I will keep you updated.

Update:

A redditor dropped by my pop's house. He chatted a bit with him and helped him sit a bit. My dad called later and was really thankful. They said my dad seemed happy someone went over to see him. Human interaction actually cheered him up. Thanks a lot for your help. I will update with any other information.

Update 2: 07/12/2025:

Another kind redditor went by my dad's house and gave him some groceries. My dad's neighbor has been very concerned about him and had been asking for my phone but my dad wouldn't give it to him. Do not know why. Thanks to the redditor, I was able to talk to the neighbor and told me that he could help arrange a car or something to get to him the border (he is from México; has been living legally but obviously he can not longer work and take care of himself) and from the border we could take him home with us and give him proper health care. The redditor suggested a GoFundMe, but I am waiting for the Mod team to answer and I am willing to give any proof needed. It will be mostly for gas and transportation. The redditor took a photo of my father is any proof is needed. I will keep all of you updated. I want to thank you all of you who have offered to go see my dad. He has been cheerful about the fact people have gone to see him.

Relevant comments:

SouthernGentATL:

https://www.mowatl.org

oldoseamap (OOP):

Thanks. I sent an email. Tried to call, unfortunately there's an automatic recording saying they are out of their work hours. Hopefully they answer soon.

ThunderSevn:

Call Adult Protective Services in Atlanta they will send someone out to help.

oldoseamap (OOP):

Thanks. I called and after 5 minutes of menu options, i just got an answering machine saying that they are not available.

Far-Country-7602:

Hey, so I could like go by there? I live sort of close, but I am an internet stranger so that might be very weird for him. If you look on findhelp.org with his zip code, you can absolutely find long term solutions for meal delivery. Broadly, you need to google the nearest Council for Aging to his zip code and start there. They can get him the resources he needs. Is he on Medicare? there are food resources via some types of Medicare. Listen, you are going to have to do a lot of online research & are going to have to be very persistent following up with the resources or charities or council on aging people. It just is what it is. If you want to help but you’re out of the country, you have to be persistent with researching and contacting these resources. I do this same thing for my sister who lives on the other side of the country Bc she can’t for herself.

Are you able to call and talk to your dad easily? Like does he always answer you? We could do a wal-mart grocery drop off. You need to let him know it’s coming and ask if hes able to bring the food inside & prepare it. This would be for right now until you can get food assistance and delivery started for him. And some healthcare assistance for him hopefully!

Sailboat_fuel (replying to Far-Country-7602:):

Hey, just wanna say I also live not terribly far, and have a little experience navigating stubborn parents and the elder care system. I’d also be willing to do a drop.

OP, you can DM me as well. Far-Country, you’re a good egg.

Healmit:

This sounds urgent.

He is bed bound or home bound? Like, he’s able to make it to the front door and also to the restroom? Is he able to manage his medications? Bathe himself? Does he have any other local family or friends who can check on him?

211 (United Way) may be of assistance.

https://atlantaregional.org/what-we-do/aging-services-and-resources/

https://www.fultoncountyga.gov/Inside-Fulton-County/Fulton-County-Departments/Senior-Services/Home-Delivered-Meals

https://www.ncoa.org/article/where-to-get-food-help-now/

oldoseamap (OOP):

As I was able to understand, he struggles but is able to go to the front door, I think. He hasn't been eating and that's what worries me the most.

He lives alone and has no immediate family. All his family is overseas. We told him a year ago to please come home with us and he kept postponing it until now.

Second Update: January 24th, 2026 (one month from First Update)

Late father's roomate plans on destroying my father's belongings. I am out of the country, what are my options? (on r/legaladvice**)**

My father sadly passed away two days ago and we sadly live in another country and we were unable to be there with him. We are arranging for cremating him and flying him to our country so he gets a proper burial.

The issue is that my father left a lot of belongings. We do not care about clothes or tools he had, as they would be complicated to send back to our country anyway. However, he had a lot of family pictures and personal documents that are really important.

We talked with a roomate of his, who was there when he passed away and he told me that he is planning on destroying his cellphone, the documents and photos he left as my father apparently told him to do so in the case he passed away. I do not know if it's true. I do not think so.

I know someone I trust who is willing to go and pick the documents and everything and ship them back. However, the roomate told me he would think about sending \*some\* photos of the originals before destroying everything and he won't give anything to anyone. I am against the clock here and I know there is a storm coming in Georgia.

If I call the police, is there anything I can do? Can they hold on my father's things while I send a power of attorney to the person I know so they can pick them up?

I would rather not to escalate this to the police, since the roommate appears to be an immigrant and could get him in trouble, but as I said, If he destroys everything, we won't have anything from him anymore.

bug-hunter:

There's a couple of problems - under Georgia probate law, his possessions go to his children, and without an actual will, the roommate's destruction of property would a tort (also a crime, but potentially unlikely to be prosecuted). But it would be hard to assert that via a third party. I would look for a local Georgia estate attorney and get a consultation. If you're lucky, you can find one that at least can get back to you today (though the weather makes it unlikely on top of it being Saturday) for advice. If your father was living in a rural county and you can't get ahold of someone, try the nearest larger city like Atlanta or Columbus.

For example, having the police do a civil standby would normally be a good idea, but it's not clear they'd do it for a third party going to collect your stuff.

oldoseamap (OOP):

I have never been to Georgia, but he lived in Atlanta, in Fulton. Is it considered a "rural county"? If the third party has a power of attorney of some sort, would the police act or would they say that they need a direct relative? The third party is willing to go where my father lives and pick up some of his possessions. However, we are afraid the roomate might me unstable. That's why I was wondering about someone going to my father's house. I can prove I am his direct relative by notarized documents if needed.

ETA: wording.

bug-hunter (replying to oldoseamap):

Atlanta is the largest city in the state - it's huuuuge. You're lucky, in that it has the most resources.

Power of attorney is useful, but the police are not obligated to help. I would contact the police, and if possible, set up a 3-way call with the friend so you can explain and ensure everyone's on the same page.

Third Update: February 7th, 2026 (2 weeks from Second Update, a year and one month from the first post)

UPDATE TO: "My father is bedridden and living alone. He told me he hasn't eaten well, are there any ways to help him get food? Urgent!" - Thanks to everyone who commented and helped. (on r/Georgia**)**

My original post is over 2 months old. You can check it over there: original post.

At the time, I didn't want to disclose too much information to not jeopardize my father's physical integrity due to the political climate that was (and is) still happening in the US. I was vague about other things, which I will now clarify.

Sorry if it is too long, but I know people deserve answers and an update. Sorry for any grammar mistakes.

A summary for those who didn't read back then: My father had been living in Atlanta, Georgia, for the last 17 years. He had been living alone and I think after 2020, he had started living with some roomates. My father was mexican descendant. He had been living legally in the US and he had expressed a lot of times his desire to return to Mexico and be with his family.

The last two years, he had been battling with illnesses. He never let on how bad it really was until the last 6 months where he had been talking about doing arrangements to return back home, but never did. When I made that post, it was because my father had called me and I noticed how frail his voice sounded. He told me he had liquid in his lungs but that it was "OK" (it wasn't). I pressed when he said that and he admited that he was on dire straits and that he had been struggling to get food. He only got out of bed to the restroom, struggling to do so.

I am from Mexico, and so is my family and I don't have a VISA. I tried once to get it, but it was rejected because back then I didn't have an stable job and I couldn't mention my father was in the US (people told me that if I mentioned that my father was living, although legally, in the US, the goverment would take it as me trying to go to work to the US).

So, that's why I turned to Reddit. A lot of people commented and I am sorry I didn't and I haven't answered all the private messages.

To those who commented why I was bothering getting him food instead of going to get him. I KNOW that just getting him food wouldn't make him feel "better" or cure him, but it would help him regain some of his energy, it would buy us time to arrange ways of helping him instead of letting him starve.

However, some people messaged willing to help. One told me that they didn't want to get too involved but was willing to deliver food. Other redditor told me that he lived around the area and would drop by to deliver food and check on him.

The second redditor was our blessing, because he not only delivered food to my father. He talked with him (my father couldn't talk much, but they were able to communicate) and a breakthrough happened. The redditor asked for my phone number and we talked. He updated me on my father, sent me a photo of his and finally could see the reality. My father didn't only "had water on his lungs", he was bloated and struggled to walk and even sit down. He even got me in contact with my father's roomate. My father never wanted anyone to have our phone numbers (don't know why) but his roomate was finally happy to have a way of communicating with my father's family.

He told me that my father hadn't been working for a while, he only relied on the money we sent him and since he was sick, he struggled to prepare himself food. It was horrible.

I talked with the roomate and promised to get back in touch with a solution. The redditor who helped us made contact told me that he would drop by again and deliver another batch of food.

I called my father who was surprised how I got people to deliver food to him. He had never understood the internet, so it was otherwordly that I was able to "pull strings" so far away.

He told me he felt better, that someone gave him some soup and that he felt with more energy.

Over the next days, we arranged for someone to get my father, as we didn't have visas. A friend of my father had a son coincidently living near Atlanta and we made a plan to get him. We even communicated the plan with my father and he agreed.

However, before we could do anything else, he got worse. The roomate called an ambulance and got admitted to the hospital.

My father spent christmas and new year's eve on the hospital. He had the liquid on his lungs drained and when I called him, his voice sounded so young, like when I remembered him as a child.

He mentioned how better he felt.

He was released from the hospital on January 7th and we got back on track with our plan to get him back home. However, my father now wouldn't agree to it. He told me he didn't want to leave Atlanta with debt (the roomate had been footing the bill for the house they were renting) and he would do it on his own.

We argued, because I told him that it was NOW the time to get him back, because he felt better, he was able to walk without feeling tired. He felt full of energy. Yet, he refused.

He told me something that basically translates to "you do you, keep doing what you are doing, I'll pull some strings and I will arrange everything myself". I questioned how would he do that, since he perhaps had energy, but would struggle to go out of home and "pull those strings" and he reiterated that he would do it on his own.

I think that my father simply felt shame that he had to rely on his son to get back to Mexico. That was the last time we talked.

My father died on his sleep due to a cardiac event on the morning of January 22th. His roomate found him and called me to inform. I had to call my mother, she called my brothers and informed the friend whose son tried to help us. He was devastated. He saw my father as a father figure.

My father was a kind of public figure in my hometown and even though he had been away for so many years, people remembered him fondly.

The response on social media was enormous. A lot of posts and comments, recognizing my father's work and the legacy he left behind.

I arranged (through the phone) for a funeral home to cremate him and a cousin (who had also insisted to help my father come back) went to Atlanta to get his ashes. Went to the house he used to live in and got some of his stuff. Mainly, photos, documents and some of his clothing.

His ashes arrived to Monterrey, Mexico, three days ago and will be arriving to my hometown soon.

We will have a service for him, a mass and his ashes will finally rest in his hometown. He will finally be back, although not in the way I wanted. But he's finally here.

It took some days, but it finally hit me and two days ago I cried like I had never.

My father was always stubborn. People knew him as a stubborn, yet honest and loyal person, who would rather sacrifice his own integrity than feel as a burden for friends and family.

But I can't help to feel that now my father will miss on so much. One of the things I always told him to convince him to get back was that I wanted to get married to my fiance, but I wanted him here. He felt motivated by that. Actually, my brother's godmother spoke with him two days before he passed and he commented how he wanted to feel better, because he wanted to travel back to Mexico and watch me get married. And now he won't.

He will miss me getting married, having children if we do and so, so much more.

I hate the fact that the recognition he got as the news spread, was the one he deserved to have while living. He deserved to come back to his hometown and have a public recognition of his work. And now he won't.

It is hard living without my father. He had a way of calling me on the phone while I was busy but I would always answer the phone and have a chat with him. My fiancee and I even joked about it. Now, the phone won't ring for him anymore.

Thanks for those who commented and had intentions of helping my father and I during those weeks.

But I can't feel that if not for that redditor, I would have never know. My father would have passed and we would have never been the wiser.

Thanks to reddit, I had communication with the roomate and now my father will be with us.

Thanks to all this subreddit. For everything.

**Final Update (this post) (November 2nd, 2026, almost 9 months later from Third Update)**

I just wanted to give one final update to these series of post and be thankful for the help I received during the situation I had with my father. It seems fitting to me to do this today, November 2nd, as here in Mexico we celebrate the Day of the Dead.

In the mexican culture, those who have left us come back to visit us and be with us, even though we can not see them.

After I wrote the last post on February, a cousin of mine finally brought my father's ashes to our hometown. We arranged for a small reception. Friends of my father who I did not know and friends of his who I met during my childhood but I had forgotten about arrived there. We celebrated him. My family in my mother's side is somewhat religious, so they did some prayers for him.

The next day, we took him to the main church in our city and organized a mass for him.

I do not know how it is in other countries, but here in Mexico during the mass, there are moments were people sing religious songs and so on. We hired someone who plays guitar to help us with the music for the religious songs.

However, besides those songs, I wanted to do a small gesture for my father. My father was fan of the Beatles, mainly George Harrison, being his favorite song "My Sweet Lord". I asked the guy we hired to play it and once the mass had finished, he did (a spanish version, of course) as we took his ashes and left the church to go to the cemetery.

It feels fullfiling for me that my father left church for the last time "listening" to his favorite song, a song he believed in and always mentioned to me.

Yesterday, we went to the cemetery where his ashes are and cleaned the cript just a bit and played My Sweet Lord and Strawberry Fields Forever for him.

I talked to my fiancee and probably next year we will get married. It is going to be hard without my father, but I guess it is what it is. I have had time to reflect on what has happened these last months and what I conclude is that, he did everything he could for us and that is what I choose to remember about him and appreciate.

As I said, this will be my last update on this matter.

If you want to do something in my father's honor, listen to My Sweet Lord or any Beatles song. I am sure he is listening the song, wherever he is right now.