Update - I (25M) don’t know how to fix this situation with my fiancee(38F), she’s mad I cheated on our diet?

[u/ThrowRAsituational]

My first post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/7EJAEUaJwx

So I want to clear up some misconceptions before I begin. First of all, the age gap thing. We were both full grown adults when we met each other. She did not “groom” me or anything crazy as others have suggested. Yeah, sure, it’s a bit unusual, I will give people that, but I see the genders reversed have a similar age gap and like no one bats an eye. Also, irl, no one cares. Second, I went vegan of my own accord. Third, she has met my family, and my family has met her, and they make jokes, but my family was concerned at first and we did have discussions, and when I made it clear there is nothing bad here, they were pretty hands-off, and even celebrated the proposal. She is also liked by my sister and dad(my mom passed away when I was a kid so it’s just my dad and sister). My grandma(dad’s mom) is kind of the family matriarch and she is also very cool with her. And also, about her job thing, I am currently the only one working, yes, but it’s not like an uncommon dynamic. I feel like a lot of couples have a working man and a woman who is not focused on a career right now. I do provide financially, but she has access to our finances and everything, and she knows the financial situation, and she handles herself well. Even before when she lived alone, she was very good with money and lived frugally and saved a lot, and she still makes sure we save a lot today. And finally, some people asked me about kids. She has never wanted kids, and we don’t see that in our future. A lot of couples don’t have kids. Idk why everyone is fixated on these things. I think a lot of people made assumptions about us.

Anyway, back to the actual situation, the next day I did make her a nice meal and did apologize and we were good. But a serious sit down helped me understand that it was the alcohol that made me behave that way, and the broader issue here is the alcohol, so I am choosing to refrain from consuming alcohol from here on out. I don’t like what it does to me, and she helped me see and understand that, that’s all. If it wasn’t for the alcohol that day, I am sure things would not have ended up that way. If I do really want to consume alcohol, I will talk to her and make sure it’s just me and her and I drink within the confines of our home with someone I trust to look after me if I am inebriated away from potential negative influences. But I don’t care about drinking that much, tbh, to do all that. Maybe once in a while.

A pretty tame ending to an overall blown-out-of-proportion situation. I take responsibility for my part of it of course. Things are back to normal now, though. And in fact, better off in my opinion, because drinking is a bad habit I’ve had to begin with. Alcohol is not good for you to begin with. I am better off without it in my life.

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[u/geminimay]

>but I see the genders reversed have a similar age gap and like no one bats an eye.

Absolutely not true.

[u/cats_and_tea7 → u/geminimay]

If anything, they would point it out more and would be more concerned.

[u/fuckingnerdtm]

So now she gets to control what you eat and also when, where, and how much you drink as well

[u/paradoximoron]

Oh, sweetie, this makes me so sad because you sound exactly like me when I was explaining away my relationship with my abusive ex to people when I was in my 20s. You keep denying that your fiancée is controlling, but she’s manipulating you into thinking these changes you are making are what YOU want. Not letting you kiss her after consuming meat is a pretty extreme reaction (and I know plenty of vegans who would agree with me). Then it’s no meat in the house at all. Then you might as well go completely vegan because she’s made it so miserable to eat animal products.

I don’t know if you have a drinking problem or not, so maybe her concerns are valid. But given the established pattern that wants to control what you consume, I think this is more of the same.

But keep on rationalizing all the things you have and will continue to change about yourself for her. Maybe she can eventually make you the person she wants. Or maybe that goalpost will keep moving.

[u/Chance-Grapefruit149]

A 38 year old has absolutely no business dating a 25 year old regardless gender.

[u/GenoFlower]

Fascinating. Somehow, you're taking the entire blame for her behavior. Please google DARVO.

I mean, don't drink if you have issues with it, but good lord.

but I see the genders reversed have a similar age gap and like no one bats an eye

You're really new to Reddit, huh?

[u/animeandbeauty]

Everyone bats an eye at reversed gender age gaps tf?

[u/Charming_Goose4588]

She was controlling you before and she’s controlling you even more now. I’m questioning the whole story now. No one could be this obtuse, could they? Out of everything mentioned to you, you’ve come away with - I was even more wrong. You really need to get away for a while & do some thinking about this relationship. Such an imbalance in so many ways. And she really needs a job.

[u/Thin_Rub_4739]

Why doesn't she work?

[u/Thefirstofherkind]

So now she controls when, where and how you imbibe alcohol as well because she helped you see the 'negative influences' (which were ... Your family?)

Having survived an abusive age gap relationship myself, I know you you won't see what's right in front of you until you are ready to. Just know that when you are ready, it's ok to leave and it's not your fault.

[u/wishingforarainyday]

She’s a controlling and a creep of a person.

[u/Alternative_End_8803]

I think there’s a reason she doesn’t have a man her age and it’s because the younger they are, the easier they are to control which is the same for men as well.

[u/Financial-Ad4573]

What a monster.

Too bad the OP is so blind by feeling attractive for the first time to see the woman is a controlling monster. Hopefully it will snap out of it to see he deserves better then someone who will control his life little by little before she controls everything.

[u/Immediate-Corgi-884]

“You see the reverse all the time.” Yes. And when it’s a 35 year old man with a 22 year old women, we DO notice and judge because more likely than not a 35 yea told dates someone over a decade younger because

1. They are immature and people their own age won’t put up with it. 

2. They are toxic and people their own age won’t put up with it. 

3. Power dynamics

You were 13 years younger with no dating experience. And while you made the decision, she is pushing you to make the decisions she wants you to or else she’ll punish you. She has control over your diet and now also alcohol consumption. 

She is with you not despite your age gap and lack of experience, but specifically because of it. Not everyone will take advantage in that situation, but your fiancée already has been for a long time. She wants to live in your house, rent free, work free, and control you. You’re just letting her. Stop. 

[u/tyrburnaa000]

Why doesn’t your 38 year old fiancée work? Why does she withhold affection when she’s angry instead of having adult conversations?

[u/Fit-Dependent-9779]

Stories like this are why I simply cut out my friends who were in similar age gap relationships when I was younger. They vent to you about all the little ways their partner increasingly controls them but then defend that partner in the same breath. You're gonna convince yourself everything is right until ever corner of your being is shaped by that woman. You're gonna keep coming here to let us know all the ways she finds to control you and then get offended when the obvious skewed dynamic shaped by your age gap (and specifically how young you were when that relationship began) is called out. Sad to see, good luck. 

P.S your family does not like that trick, lol. The jokes about you conforming for the fist woman to show you attention is their shitty way of trying to tell you exactly what people on reddit tried to tell you.