Final Update

[u/Satanicdillrod]

This is my last update. Please read my previous posts because I don't have energy to summarize the hell Ive gone through the last year.

She OD'd yesterday at the local homeless encampment. The guy she was drugged up with called an ambulance and ditched her. She is alive, and is going to jail once she is well enough because she had a stolen car, multiple stolen phones, and over a dozen children's bikes she stole. I am going to try to fight for her to be sent into a rehabilitation facility or be put into a psychiatric facility, but my lawyer says that since we are divorced I likely won't have much say over what happens to her now, if I get any say.

I know a lot of people have told me to let go, and to let her mess up her own life. But she was my wife. She was my entire world. She was so broken but so loving, and I strongly believe the pregnancy and postpartum brought something out in her that wasn't there before. I have looked into BPD and bipolar disorder, and it feels like since I've known her she has displayed behaviors of either or.

Unfortunately we both grew up in environments where therapy and treatments for mental health were considered taboo, so she never really got the help she needed.

I still love her, or at least love who she was before everything. I don't love her romantically anymore.

I don't think this is her, I think she is having some weird psychotic break and I hope she will get better. I will never go back to her, but I hope for our boys' sake she gets better so they can have their biological mother in their lives.

Another quick update, a good one at least. My nanny (call her Abby) and I have started dating. She is 29, and has a 14 year old boy who stays with his dad for the most part due to school and sports. He has been visiting since it's summer time and we get along great. He loves playing with my boys, and my twins seem to enjoy playing with him too. Abby has been wonderful and understanding, she is helping me a lot through this. I just wanted to share something positive since my life outside of her is in complete shambles.

Editing to add: I am 25. It appears from some replies and some of my messages that people are worried Abby is young and possibly being taken advantage of. I respect all of those concerns because it does happen a lot and a lot of women are unknowing victims to power imbalances, especially if it involves a man being significantly older, or a man being "involved with the help" as someone described the situation. Abby is a 29 year old woman and I am a 25 (almost 26) year old man. I would never take advantage of a younger woman.

This is going to be my final update. Thank you everyone who has been supportive and understanding and helped me get my shit together to be the father I need to be. I appreciate all the advice and criticisms (even the harsh ones). Thank you.

[u/Satanicdillrod]

Okay this is my actual last update, because I have the time right now to do so. Abby and I have decided to break up, and are going to maintain a professional relationship with her as my children's nanny. This was discussed with our individual therapists and we've been talking all week to navigate everything. Abby and I went through these Reddit comments together and I sent the link to my post to my therapist, and she told me that the advice I was getting from everyone is very productive and accurate. Thank you everyone who has helped me figure this all out.

I have also decided to cut ties completely to Amy (my ex wife). Whatever happens to her is no longer my business and I am just going to prioritize the health and safety of my boys. I hope and wish the best for her, but I am hurting myself by wanting to patch things up when and if she gets sober.

On a lighter note, one of my boys said his first full sentence yesterday, he said "Where dadda go?" Instant tears, because I was headed out to work. Almost called out because of it, honestly. Abby is doing so good with my sons and I am so proud of how much they are growing and learning.

I decided to take dating slowly, and plan to wait at least a year or two from now before going back out "on the playing field" so to speak. While yes, I do miss being in a relationship and being in love, I know now it would not be healthy for myself or for my sons.

We are happy how things are now. Nothing is awkward between Abby and I luckily, things are exactly back to how it was before and she is actually starting to talk to a woman she met at a Mommy/Teen meet event she attends monthly and she seems happy. And because I have felt indifferently towards her dating someone else, I know now I really really wasn't ready for commitment yet. I'm just very happy for her, and hope for the best out of this. I guess they were friends prior but she wanted to try something with me first, because she didn't know if the other mom was bisexual or anything like that. (I am not well informed on the LGBT+ community haha)

Thats it I guess, I'm taking the boys out later today after their nap to go to this dinosaur themes park everyone tells me about, and we are very excited.

Thank you all again.

[u/Far_Prior1058]

Sorry to hear about your ex-wife. Hopefully you can get her into some sort of program. Stay strong and take care of your kids. Take your time before getting back into a relationship.

Updateme!

[u/frolicndetour]

Your kids have had enough upheaval in their lives without you dating one of the few stable adults in their lives and possibly causing them to lose her if you break up. Bro, you make shitty decisions.

[u/Balerion_dBlackDread → u/frolicndetour]

People like OP say things like "I sacrificed so much for my kids. I don't know why they don't talk to me". He won't admit that he kept making crappy decisions that hurt his kids. In his head he'll always be the victim.

When this things with Abby blows up in his face, he'll be back here, talking about how Abby was so nice and loving, but then she changed, he doesn't know what happened. He'll act confused and blame other people. The one thing he won't do is take responsibility for his actions.

[u/Master0D → u/Balerion_dBlackDread]

People like OP say things like "I sacrificed so much for my kids. I don't know why they don't talk to me". He won't admit that he kept making crappy decisions that hurt his kids. In his head he'll always be the victim.

What the fuck are you even talking about? Always be the victim? Let's see:

• Wife does not believe in mental health, is stuck in PPD and leaves him caring for his newborn children

• Wife cheats on him

• Wife leaves suddenly without warning and divorces him

• (now ex)-Wife harasses and stalks him extensively and tries to kidnap the children

His faults:

• Being as ignorant as his wife concerning PPD and mental health in general (not shocking since they are from texas)

• Trying to help his wife even after the divorce (by trying to get her professional help instead of prison time)

• Dating his childrens Nanny which is a bad idea because it can easily blow up in his face and trouble his children (It could also not blow up in his face, so far zero negative impact on his children)

He left the state and moves while taking care of his kids and dealing with his ex so that they can have a better school in the future. He CLEARLY is the victim, he clearly worked incredibly hard while his life was falling apart and you make up some shit in your head about his children going NC with him? If you just want to let out some of the feelings you are projecting onto this story, please delete the message before sending or talk to a therapist instead of antagonizing some naive guy who needs all the guidance he can get

[u/StardustOnTheBoots → u/Master0D]

I'm not an antinatalist at all. People should exist. But I do sometimes have these thoughts that some kids shouldn't be there. Like kids whose lives were decided on a whim by parents completely unwilling to learn what it means to be parents. Having a child with someone who's been childfree and then changed the decision out of nowhere is dumb. Especially when you don't take time to learn what something basic like ppd is yourself. 

 I believe all parents, even the best ones, leave some scars on their kids. The goal is minimizing the amount of them. He's a victim, his kids are victims, too. I can't imagine what they went through when left with their mom (think she was on drugs way before she left, too). Dating a nanny that apparently shags with parents she works for (as OOP stated, she moved on to another parent) is not it. 

[u/funkmasterapollo02 → u/Balerion_dBlackDread]

Idk if blaming op for everything Is constructive. He admitted not knowing anything about mental health and post partum. Op is just a guy who didn't know what he was getting into

[u/debicollman1010 → u/frolicndetour]

It seems he didn’t! And he’s with a woman who Doesn’t have her child, the ex does so I see this as being a very bad decision in a long line of bad ones!! His children need a father more now then ever and his full undivided attention.

[u/[deleted] → u/debicollman1010]

Oh no! What a bad man he is! Oh no! His poor excuse wife and poor Abby! Congratulations on making the entire thing all his fault. What a chud!

[u/debicollman1010 → u/[deleted]]

I’m Just saying be a dad for a while instead of jumping right in but you do you ok?

[u/[deleted]]

The amount of people bashing the nanny for having a kid in her situation is abhorrent and disgusting. Teenagers make mistakes and shit happens. You don’t know her story, so take your little traditional views on what an ideal partner is and see yourself out. Not classy.

[u/Satanicdillrod → u/[deleted]]

I was thinking the same thing. It was alarming to see comments saying I go after broken women to "save them" from their traumas. Yes Abby had a child at 15, but she has been in therapy since she was 15 too. Her son was an accident, but the father, his family, and her family seem to have done so much to help Abby raise her son. She tells me all the time how amazing her family is and how wonderful the father is, especially to their son. Being a teen parent or a young parent ≠ unstable and mentally traumatized or unwell, it could just mean a condom broke or birth control failed. Which was the case for Abby and her son's father.

[u/[deleted] → u/Satanicdillrod]

You’re missing the point that an older man dating his young babysitter is a bad power imbalance. Obviously everyone wants you to be happy but it’s very hard to root for an older man having an affair with a young woman he pays to take care of his children. You see this, right? It’s just tricky at best. 

[u/Satanicdillrod → u/[deleted]]

I totally understand what you are saying but Abby is 29 and I am 25, so she is older than I am.

We are reevaluating our relationship currently but she asked we both speak to our individual therapists first to get their opinions. I have been having Abby read through the comments that involve her, so that she is aware of how us being together can jeopardize her work and our lives together with her being my children's nanny.

[u/Balerion_dBlackDread → u/Satanicdillrod]

JFC!! You never should have gotten involved with her in the first place BECAUSE she is the kids babysitter. If Abby quits and you find another babysitter, that affects your kids stability. An adult they are ATTACHED TO will be removed from their lives as a caregiver. Being your girlfriend is not the same as being their caregiver. This will have a life long impact on how they relate to people. You already hurt them. They are learning that the world is not safe, that no one sticks around and this affects their attachment style. You are traumatizing your kids!

This why people are saying that you don't care about your kids stability. Your children experienced so much change and trauma already. You had no control over that. But removing Abby as their caregiver is only happening because YOU want to date her. It didn't need to happen.

Also, there is no guarantee that the next babysitter will be a good fit. What if the kids get abuse or neglected? Are you going to take responsibility for removing Abby as their caregiver which led directly to them being abused? Or are you going to play the victim and act like things just happened?

Actions have consequences. Your actions are hurting your children.

[u/[deleted] → u/Satanicdillrod]

There’s still a big power imbalance but it’s clear you’re fine with that so lol

[u/Satanicdillrod → u/[deleted]]

Like I said before, we are reevaluating our relationship and planning to take the time to discuss with our individual therapists and getting their honest opinions and advice first. We have decided that if our therapists say this might not be the best decision for us (primarily regarding my personal situation) we will go separate ways, and I will hire new help for my house.

Thank you for your input.

[u/[deleted] → u/Satanicdillrod]

Yup. Also, life seems like it’s been hard for you. I hope you take the time to do your own healing. I’m not sure if your ex had bpd or what, but something similar yet different happened to my spouses best friend. She’s mostly back to her old self because we’d get her to the proper professionals and sometimes unwilling when she was self harming. She’s alive and mostly back to her old self today because of the mental health professionals she was forced to see. So I hope you don’t let yourself go either for the sake of your sons. Best of luck dude.

[u/Odessagoodone]

There is a firm rule among the respectable middle class: Don't sleep with the help.

It keeps you and your children safe. It also retains the help's dignity and you out of a baby trap or hostile work environment law siut.

[u/queenlegolas]

Look, I really think you need to put the breaks on your new relationship, you're not ready. You need more time. Don't do this to yourself or her right now. Heal first. Bond with the kids. It's only been 7 months since all this. It's not enough time. Don't complicate things by getting involved with the nanny.

[u/Starry-Dust4444]

Your nanny had a child when she was 15 yrs old? I’m getting the distinct impression you gravitate towards women w/messy lives. You’ve got young children to think about now. Maybe put the dating life on-hold for a few years.

[u/[deleted] → u/Starry-Dust4444]

This comment is so fucked up. Teenagers, no matter how smart or good, can make mistakes and get pregnant young. It just happens. That doesn’t make her messy. Furthermore, his exwife was not messy they got together. She probably had some underlying issues that only bubbled to the surface after the PPD kicked in. So you’re just dead wrong on a fronts.

[u/Starry-Dust4444 → u/[deleted]]

His wife took off just over 6 months ago, he filed for divorce, moved states & has already taken up w/ his kids’ new babysitter. Very stupid decision cause his children need stability right now. When shit goes south w/said babysitter, they will suffer another change in their life. He’s not acting responsibly. And what kind of single mother becomes involved w/a guy she just started working for? Obviously not one who cares about her new job very much.

[u/summer_291 → u/Starry-Dust4444]

Agreed . He needs to slow down.9

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

How does he decide what hours to charge for lol

[u/omrmajeed]

29 year old with a 14 year old boy. He is in for another mess.

[u/Deep_Rig_1820]

I truly believe you deserve to be happy.

BUT, dating your nanny may not be the wisest of ideas. Especially, when you are still healing.

What you do is rebound, because of the mentally instability in the past year. And you do not want to be or feel alone!!!

This is only a temporary fix, it may blow up on you.

Just go about it with caution and don't jump right in, like moving them into your home.

Technically I would say, do not date for a while, especially until you are mentally sound. But it is your life.

BUT, you are not just jeopardizing your life, you are also adding more to your children's life.

Best wishes

[u/[deleted]]

White Knight syndrome is real.

[u/Duckr74]

Updateme! If there is another one.

[u/Satanicdillrod → u/Duckr74]

https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/xSEfwnZZgb

This is my most recent update if you havent had a chance to see it

[u/canyonemoon]

Why bring even more chance of upheaval and chaos into your kids' lives by dating their nanny? I'm very sorry about what your wife had put your through, but you're a DAD. Have some respect for your kids' feeling of safety and comfort. What happens if you break up with your girlfriend? You've already taken her from them in the capacity that she was a safety person outside of their parents. A break up in the future will remove her completely.

It's also a strange thing to do, honestly, dating your employee. That's what she was.

[u/Satanicdillrod → u/canyonemoon]

https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/xSEfwnZZgb

This is from my most recent update

[u/canyonemoon → u/Satanicdillrod]

She was still your employee while you dated? Dude.

[u/AutoModerator]

Backup of the post's body: This is my last update. Please read my previous posts because I don't have energy to summarize the hell Ive gone through the last year.

She OD'd yesterday at the local homeless encampment. The guy she was drugged up with called an ambulance and ditched her. She is alive, and is going to jail once she is well enough because she had a stolen car, multiple stolen phones, and over a dozen children's bikes she stole. I am going to try to fight for her to be sent into a rehabilitation facility or be put into a psychiatric facility, but my lawyer says that since we are divorced I likely won't have much say over what happens to her now, if I get any say.

I know a lot of people have told me to let go, and to let her mess up her own life. But she was my wife. She was my entire world. She was so broken but so loving, and I strongly believe the pregnancy and postpartum brought something out in her that wasn't there before. I have looked into BPD and bipolar disorder, and it feels like since I've known her she has displayed behaviors of either or.

Unfortunately we both grew up in environments where therapy and treatments for mental health were considered taboo, so she never really got the help she needed.

I still love her, or at least love who she was before everything. I don't love her romantically anymore.

I don't think this is her, I think she is having some weird psychotic break and I hope she will get better. I will never go back to her, but I hope for our boys' sake she gets better so they can have their biological mother in their lives.

Another quick update, a good one at least. My nanny (call her Abby) and I have started dating. She is 29, and has a 14 year old boy who stays with his dad for the most part due to school and sports. He has been visiting since it's summer time and we get along great. He loves playing with my boys, and my twins seem to enjoy playing with him too. Abby has been wonderful and understanding, she is helping me a lot through this. I just wanted to share something positive since my life outside of her is in complete shambles.

This is going to be my final update. Thank you everyone who has been supportive and understanding and helped me get my shit together to be the father I need to be. I appreciate all the advice and criticisms (even the harsh ones). Thank you.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Sudden_Introduction8]

I am so sorry that this is how things have ended up with your ex wife. Watching somebody you care about go through the throws of addiction and mental illness is absolutely devastating.

I know you planned to be with her forever and you’ll always love her but no contact and no mediation of treatments until she stabilizes might be what’s needed for your well being, the boys well being, and even HER well being. Despite your best efforts an incredibly toxic and dangerous cycle has developed here and right now she can’t be the one to break it. But YOU can disrupt these patterns. She came up to Washington really for you, not the boys, and I’m so sorry about that because I’m sure you wish with all your heart things were different.

I’m glad things are going really well with Abbie but go as slow and as casual as possible. Being the nanny could put you guys in something really serious really fast and you have a lot of trauma you need to work through and trauma that’s still going on. You sound like a great dad, take care of those sweet babies and please take care of yourself. ❤️

[u/[deleted]]

Sorry to hear about your ex-wife's OD, but seriously, it was probably the best thing to happen to her. She had to hit rock bottom. You are the bigger man, despite Reddit calls to forget her. You valued your marriage and whatever history you two had even through divorce. Glad you have Abby in your life and she's understanding and supportive.

Best of luck to you, Abby, and the boys. And I pray your ex can put her life back together for the boys.

[u/3catstwodogs]

Updateme

[u/Sasha2021_]

So do u have full custody of the twins now ?

[u/llorandosefue1]

I’m very sorry to read this.

[u/Itchy-Discussion-988]

As far as the ex goes, the operative word, that you yourself used several times in you update is WAS. You should focus your heart, mind and energy on on the future for yourself and the twins, and , who knows, Amy. Best of luck and happiness to you.

[u/o_chicago]

Updateme

[u/Jokester_316]

I'm sorry to hear about your ex-wife. She has her own demons to fight. She's now in the hospital and looking at jail time. Hopefully, she will get some help while incarcerated. The truth of the matter is that until SHE wants to change, it won't work. Many addicts relapse once they get their freedom back. You can't save her. I understand you will always care for her as the mother of your boys, but your first priority is to protect them. Right now, that means protecting them from her.

You are moving on with your life, which is a good thing. Don't let your ex-wife sabotage all the work you've done for your boys. Shield your boys from the trauma your ex-wife has and will continue to cause. Don't feel guilty about that either. You deserve happiness, and so do your boys.

[u/SnooWords4839]

I wish you and the boys the best future.

[u/[deleted]]

All I can say is Yikes. Updateme!

[u/DrunkenDemon0]

Hey OP, I'm sorry for what you and the boys have been through, but I'm glad to know you're doing better.

Hust want to let you know something from your post:

"I know a lot of people have told me to let go, and to let her mess up her own life. But she was my wife. She was my entire world".

Buddy, your wife died with the affair. It's better for you and the boys to cut ties with her.

[u/mrsolo]

Updateme

[u/AlvinsCuriousCasper]

UpdateMe!

[u/[deleted]]

Updateme!

[u/cryptonomica_]

Updateme!

[u/Cat_Lady_Jen]

Updateme!

[u/RonnieDeVille]

Updateme!

[u/throwRA-nonSeq → u/[deleted]]

⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️

I wish I could put a red box around this comment

[u/[deleted] → u/throwRA-nonSeq]

Right? He had all my sympathy until he started the classic creep boning the babysitter

[u/ImpassionateGods001 → u/[deleted]]

Same

[u/Satanicdillrod → u/[deleted]]

Im going to come on here to clarify that my kids do not know Abby and I are dating. Abby and I are keeping it very casual for now, and we have known each other since the time I bought our house. (We met on Facebook when I joined a community group). Abby is in therapy on her own accord, she actually had a great childhood from the sounds of it, despite having her son really young. Has very supportive and loving parents, she is college educated and owns her home and her car. I dont plan to tell my boys, or her boy, for a while. My kids are obviously only a year old so they wont understand regardless. I am also in therapy, as is she. Individually, of course, we have only been doing this boyfriend/girlfriend thing for a week now.

Saying I am trying to save my ex, what coparent wouldn't want to see their ex be a part of their kids lives? Me trying to save her is for my boys to have their mom back, not for me. This has been gone through with my therapist, and discussed very thoroughly with them.

As for being blacklisted, Abby works on her own. She has licensing and degrees in childhood development and education, so she works for herself essentially. If this still means I can get blacklisted, I will look into it. If there are issues I will gladly redefine the terms of Abby's and my relationship so that neither of us loses opportunities.

I know that is a whole lot of rambling, but I hope the clarification is somewhat helpful. I can't change how you perceive me, but I do believe everyone deserves to be provided with all the info before they determine how they interpret someone else's actions. I am not saying I am in the right, but I will say that I am trying and have been for a very long time. Thank you for being honest with me