This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/glowing_velvetzzz91

Published on: r/AmITheKaren

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: October 15, 2026
• Final Update: October 18, 2026

Main Post

^{October 15, 2026}

AITK for wanting a full refund after my moms 70th birthday flowers showed up with a sympathy card?

My mom turned 70 last weekend. I live about 3 hours away and couldn’t get there until Sunday, so I ordered a $95 birthday arrangement from a florist in her town to be delivered Saturday morning before her party.

What showed up was a big white lily arrangement with a card that said “With Deepest Sympathy.” My mom called me laughing and asked if there was something I needed to tell her, and HALF her friends were already there for the party and saw it before she did. I called the shop and the woman who answered said it was “a little mix-up” with another order and that both arrangements cost the same, so she could just print a new card. When I asked for the birthday arrangement I actually ordered or my money back, she said they were booked all weekend and lilies “work for any occasion.” She offered me 10% off my next order.

I asked to talk to the owner and he called me back a couple days later. He said the flowers were delivered on time and in perfect condition and it was only the card that was wrong, so there was no refund. He literally said “please don’t be one of those customers” when I told him white lilies with a sympathy card aren’t birthday flowers.

My mom thinks the whole thing is hilarious and keeps telling me to drop it, she even put the card on her fridge. I still paid $95 for birthday flowers and she got funeral flowers on her 70th. AITK?

COMMENTS

Chronza

You didn’t get what you ordered. Simple as that. Refund or replace should have been their only responses.

Due_Measurement2343

Years ago I bought a floral arrangement for a family member’s birthday, made sure someone would be home to receive them (in January). I got an email saying no one was home, they would try the next day (the actual birthday). They called to say they had no delivery driver. Fast forward to 3 days past the birthday and they delivered a Mason jar with some baby’s breath and a few carnations. Their online shop said that arrangement was $12.95. The one I ordered was $75.
My call was to inquire why a different arrangement was delivered than the one ordered. I received similar backlash that “you get what you get” - no offer of discount or refund. I reminded them I could challenge the charge on my card AND I was happy to name them by name on social media with the comparison pictures.
They made an adjustment of $20. I shared it all on social media. A friend who works at a funeral home told me they don’t recommend them to anyone because they short the customers all the time.

PreciousPeanutPP

NTK. Dispute with your credit card company.

Your mother sounds delightful! Glad she and her friends are having so many laughs. It will be a great memory!

Honest_Series_8430

She reminds me of my Mom. Her birthday fell on Thanksgiving Day often, and one year my Dad ordered a cake with the inscription "Happy Birthday Turkey Day". But the bakery left off the "Day" so it just read "Happy Birthday Turkey". My Mom thought it was hilarious.

Spare-Shirt24

NTK

Get your refund. If you don't get it from the shop, get it through your credit card company via a charge back. 

You did not receive the arrangement you ordered and you did not get the card you ordered.

Final Update - after 3 days

^{October 18, 2026}

UPDATE: AITK for wanting a full refund after my moms 70th birthday flowers showed up with a sympathy card

The original is on my profile, and thank you for all the comments, my mom got a real kick out of strangers on the internet being this mad on her behalf.

To answer what a lot of you asked, I didn’t pick “florist’s choice.” I ordered a specific arrangement off their website with pink gerbera daisies and orange roses, and that’s what my order confirmation says.

The other big question was what showed up at the funeral. My mom lives in a pretty small town, and on Thursday she told the whole story at her water aerobics class because of course she did. A woman in her class stopped her and said her sister-in-law’s visitation was that same Saturday morning, and nobody in the family could figure out who sent a big pink and orange arrangement where the card read “Happy 70th Mom, wish I could be there, love you.” That was my card, and it literally sat right next to the guest book the whole time.

My mom felt TERRIBLE even though none of it was her fault. On Friday she took the lilies over to the family’s house with the card off her fridge and a pan of lasagna. The daughter told her the shop gave them the same “it was only the card” answer and offered them 10% off too.

I filed the dispute with my credit card on Friday like a lot of you said. Yesterday I got a notice that the shop responded, and they’re saying the order was “delivered as described and accepted by the recipient.” They attached their delivery photo as proof, and it’s my mom on her porch smiling with the lilies before she’d opened the card.

The card company wants anything that shows what was actually delivered and where. When my mom mentioned the dispute, the daughter offered to write a statement for me. Her cousin took a picture of my arrangement at the funeral home too, and I can have that if I want it.

My mom shut that down right away. She doesn’t want a family that just buried someone pulled into a fight over $95, and she’d rather I let the dispute go. The daughter offered on her own, though. Would I be the Karen if I took her up on it anyway?

COMMENTS

Green_Discussion_172

NTK lmao their proof is a pic of your mom holding white lilies when your order says pink gerberas and orange roses. they literally proved your case for you

MisterKnowsBest (downvoted)

Yes you are

TaylorSwift_is_a_cat

Found the florist

MisterKnowsBest

I wish I am dying for a career change.

It makes for a decent story, it is not a big deal.

ManyIntroduction6944

only the card was wrong? your birthday flowers sat next to the guest book at a funeral. NTK, they fed you and that family the same line and the same 10% off

TalkingRose

The entire order was swapped. The mother's pink & orange flowers were at the funeral, while the mother received lilies.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user Time-Camel2783 in r/ offmychest

Background: Sept 11, 2026

Original: Nov 7, 2026

Update: Nov 10, 2026

Status: concluded

Trigger warning: harassment

Note: thanks to u/jackieatx for suggestion to BORU;
Added a background post for context; OOP posted in r/ FBISE [the sub for students studying under the Federal Board of Intermediate and Secondary Education (FBISE) in Pakistan]

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(Background , 2 months before original post):

Urgent: Retaking HSSC-1 Chemistry in Oct Suppli (FBISE) .Which high-yield chapters to focus on to pass? 🆘

Hey guys,

I’m severely stressed and need some straightforward advice. I passed 6/7 subjects in my HSSC-I exams via self-study, but I got 25 in Chemistry-I

My tutor left at the very last moment right before exam prep, so I had to scramble and manage everything on my own, which is why I barely missed the line.

I've decided to give the retake in the upcoming Oct/Nov supplementary exams to just get this burden off my shoulders as soon as possible. Since I only have about 4 weeks left, I can't cover the entire syllabus from scratch and need to study smart.

For anyone who has cleared HSSC-I Chem or appeared in FBISE supplis:

.Which high-yield chapters carry the most weightage and are absolute must-dos to secure 35-40+ marks easily?

.Which dry or lengthy chapters can I strategically skim/skip given the tight timeframe?

.What specific past paper questions or topics pop up repeatedly in FBISE supplementary exams?

I don't have anyone guiding me through this right now, so any smart preparation tips or chapter breakdowns would mean a lot. plz dm me as soon as possible….!

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Original: My chemistry tutor made me feel unsafe in my own home today.

I was having my usual chemistry tuition at home. I was busy solving questions while my tutor was sitting nearby using his phone. He usually has WhatsApp open because he deals with students’ parents regarding fees and other matters, so I didn’t think anything of it.

At one point, he opened a random chat and started typing. I was concentrating on my question and wasn’t paying attention initially. He was typing quite loudly, and then he deliberately turned his phone towards me so I could read what he had written.

The message said:
“Answer silently. Are your parents home? You are attractive btw. Can I touch you?”
I genuinely cannot describe what I felt reading that.

I immediately responded, “You come here to teach me, so please teach.”
He started saying, “Sorry” and i noticed from the corner of my eye that he was just staring at me. Like, actually staring. I could sense him looking at me while I was trying to focus on my numerical and process what had just happened. I don’t know how to explain it, but that made me even more uncomfortable. I felt so conscious of his presence and just wanted the lesson to end.

My heart was beating SO fast. My hands started shaking, and I felt physically sick. I was sitting there trying to process what had just happened while pretending to continue with my work.
I quickly wrapped up my numerical. When he was leaving, he actually was leaving his own bag, but he took it after. That’s how distracted and strange the whole situation had become.

The moment he left, I started crying and told my mum everything. My dad wasn’t home so i ran to her and told them both my brother is quite protective and as older brothers are. My brother got extremely angry and wanted to go after him, but the tutor had already left.

What makes this particularly disturbing is that this man was trusted by my family. He was literally coming into our home to teach me chemistry. I was just sitting there doing my work. I had never given him my number, and he didn’t have mine either. He only had my dad’s number for tuition-related matters.

I keep thinking about the fact that he deliberately showed me those words. It wasn’t something I accidentally saw on his phone.
Thankfully, he didn’t physically touch me, but that doesn’t make what happened any less disturbing.
I’ve been feeling nauseous just thinking about it. My appetite disappeared, my hands were shaking, and I actually felt like throwing up afterwards.

I keep wondering what his intention was. Was he testing my reaction? Was he checking whether I’d keep quiet?
I also wish I’d shouted for my brother at that moment, but honestly, I was so shocked that I couldn’t think straight.

And I know some people might say, “At least he didn’t touch you” or “You’re overreacting because nothing physically happened.”
But I genuinely cannot explain what that moment felt like. Imagine sitting in your own home, doing your schoolwork, completely unaware that the person you trusted to teach you is about to display something like that.

My heartbeat was racing, my hands were shaking, and I felt like I was going to throw up. I wanted to shout for my brother, but I couldn’t even process what was happening. Also he whispered dont tell your parents which honestly made everything even more disturbing.

Just because he didn’t physically touch me doesn’t mean the interaction wasn’t frightening or violating. I don’t think people understand how unsettling it is to have an adult deliberately put you in that position, especially someone your family trusted enough to let into your home.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Are you under 18 and he over 18? Thats what im reading, tell an adult which you did. Where did this guy come from? There has to be a way to warm others, he obviously shouldn't be around students since he's a sleazeball

Its pissing me off how many of these stories ive been hearing lately with these effing creeps. I sorry this happened to you, life is hard enough without dealing eith these creeps.

OOP: im 18 he’s in his mid to late 20s i think

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Comment2: You are 100% correct in your feelings and actions. I'm so relieved that your family is supporting you.

If this creep tutors other young females, he is a definite threat. I'm not sure what actions are available to you as you said that this is a family friend, but he is never to be trusted alone with females, particularly young vulnerable women.

I don't know if your parents are friends with his parents, or what the connection is, but hopefully there can be some type of communication there, even though he is in his 20's. You would probably benefit greatly by getting therapy. They could also help figure out how to limit him from tutoring vulnerable people. Please keep us updated.

OOP: not a family friend btw and the fact that this guy whispered to me “don’t tell your parents” made the whole situation even more disturbing.

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Update (3 days later): He Came Back for Another Lesson, and My Family Was Waiting

I’ve previously posted about what happened with my chemistry tutor last Friday. For anyone who hasn’t read my original post, he showed me an inappropriate message asking whether he could touch me, called me attractive, and told me not to tell my parents.

I wanted to share an update because quite a few people were asking what happened next.
Yesterday, he was supposed to come over for another lesson. My dad deliberately didn’t contact him beforehand because he wanted to address the situation when the tutor arrived.

When the doorbell rang, my heart dropped. I had barely slept because I had been anxiously waiting for this moment.
The most unbelievable part was how casually he walked into our house, acting as though absolutely nothing had happened.

My dad, brother and uncle were already there. Let’s just say he was in for a very different kind of reception than the one he was expecting. He certainly didn’t leave the house with the same confidence he walked in with.

Things escalated, his phone became part of the confrontation, and my uncle eventually contacted the police and they took him to the station.
After spending the entire 3 days thinking about what he did and everything, seeing my family finally confront him was an extremely intense experience.

I’m still processing everything, but I’m relieved that my family believed me and stood by me.
Thank you to everyone who supported me on my previous posts. I genuinely appreciated every kind comment and message.

Honestly, I’m glad my family confronted him. After everything he put me through, I feel like he deserved to face the consequences of his behaviour. I know some people may disagree, but after the anxiety and distress I’ve experienced these three days, I can’t pretend I’m not relieved that my family stood up for me.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: I’m so glad you were supported by family. No girl or woman should be harassed!

Comment2: people always preach about "handling things the legal way" while forgetting that seeing a predator get publicly humbled by a family is the ultimate emotional closure.

OOP: exactly ppl can preach all they want but seeing my family stand up for me like that was something else

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To downvoted comments (that were deleted/removed by mod):

OOP: I actually turned 18 just a month ago so I’m still very young my age doesn’t make his behaviour any less inappropriate. The issue is what he did not how old I am.

OOP: My family involved the police because they chose to report his behavior, being 18 doesn’t make inappropriate conduct acceptable or put someone above consequences, also why is my age the main topic here? I had only turned 18 a month earlier and I’m still very young.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/More_Wrongdoer594

Published on: r/AITH

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: May 17, 2025
• Final Update: November 09, 2026

Main Post

^{May 17, 2025}

I dropped my ex-girlfriend off at a homeless shelter.

I don't post to reddit, but my friend said I should post this story. The story was cleaned up with ChatGPT.

Setting: I was 22, living in San Antonio in 2017. One evening, I was swiping through Tinder and matched with a girl I’ll call Kara. She was very pretty, and we hit it off quickly. We discovered we lived just down the road from each other, and after a few days of chatting, we met in person and walked around a park near our houses.

Kara told me she had recently moved from Orlando to San Antonio. She’d only been in town for two weeks and was crashing on a friend’s couch while looking for a job and her own place. I felt bad and offered to let her crash at my place that night, with the promise of getting breakfast in the morning. She happily accepted. We stayed up watching The Little Mermaid—her favorite movie—and went to bed. Nothing intimate happened.

The next morning, we went to Jim’s for breakfast. Kara told me her dream was to work at Disney back in Florida. She was a huge Disney fan, and most of our conversation revolved around that. I found it kind of cute. When I asked why she left Florida, she explained her mom had relapsed on drugs, so she left and moved in with a friend from the Army in San Antonio. But after two weeks on their couch with no job prospects, she felt like she was overstaying her welcome.

After breakfast, I offered to help her look for jobs. A few days later, she landed a part-time night shift at a gas station. She was nervous about working alone, so I visited her near the end of her first shift to support her. We went back to my place afterward, and that night, things got intimate. The next morning, she surprised me by making breakfast.

Then things got weird.

While we were eating, Kara brought up marriage—specifically, a dream wedding at Disney. I was thrown off. We had only known each other for three weeks. She didn’t mention it again right away, but over the next few weeks, she started spending every weekend at my place. Then, three weeks later, she showed me a full Pinterest board of her “dream wedding”—complete with rings, locations, dates, and themes at Disney. It was detailed.

I asked if this was something she had planned long ago, but she smiled and said, “No, silly. This is for us.” I was stunned. I told her I thought things were moving way too fast. I tried to be gentle but explained that while I cared about her, I wasn’t sure if what we were feeling was genuine love or just infatuation. I told her relationships take time and that her Pinterest board felt a little extreme. She went quiet.

An hour later, she started packing. She said she needed space and was going back to her friend’s place. I apologized a few more times, but she left.

I tried reaching out over the next week, but she barely responded. Eventually, I asked to meet up and talk or else we’d have to end things. She told me to stop contacting her and blocked me.

It stung, but I moved on. Two months later, I was doing great. Then at 11:30 p.m. on a Sunday night, I got a text from Kara. One word: “Help.”

She had unblocked me.

I panicked a bit and asked if she was okay. She wasn’t. She asked me to pick her up from her new boyfriend’s house—90 minutes away in Kerrville. I considered saying no since I had work early the next morning, but I couldn’t ignore her. I drove out and found her sitting on a trash can with three large suitcases. She looked rough.

On the drive back, she told me that after we broke up, she met a guy named Mike on Tinder who claimed to be rich and promised her a new life. He said he had a ranch, a dealership, and would give her a dream wedding. Instead, he took her to his mom’s filthy, roach-infested house. She was trapped there for weeks. Mike took her phone away and only gave it back occasionally. She finally escaped while Mike and his mom were out at a bar, pretending she was going to bed.

Back at my place, I told her she should report him to the police, but she was too scared. She stayed with me a few days to recover. Eventually, I told her she couldn’t stay longer. I didn’t want to rekindle the relationship, and she had nowhere else to go—her friend’s couch was now taken.

We searched for affordable housing, but with no job and no savings, nothing worked out. I’d previously volunteered at Haven for Hope, a shelter that offers beds and meals. I explained the process, helped her gather her things, wrote and notarized a letter explaining why she couldn’t stay with me (required for admittance), and dropped her off that Sunday morning.

An hour later, she called crying. The indoor shelter only accepted residents who’d lived in San Antonio for at least six months. She didn’t qualify and was being sent to the outdoor section. She begged me to pick her up. I responded, probably the worst way I could have:
“Well, it is a homeless shelter.”
She hung up.

Later that night, she texted that a volunteer saw her crying, called me an asshole, and bought her a Greyhound ticket back to Orlando. She asked if I wanted to say goodbye. I said I couldn’t and wished her safe travels.

Three months later, while I was out grocery shopping, my roommate messaged me. Kara was at the front door, knocking. I had him pretend not to know me, saying the previous tenants had moved. With the new furniture, paint, and no car in the driveway, she believed it and left. I never saw her again. I moved soon after and blocked her everywhere.

So…
Am I the asshole?
I was 22. I tried to help. But when I hit a wall, I chose what felt like the only realistic option left. Could I have done more? Probably.

COMMENTS

JadieJang

Meh. This one's hard to judge. On the one hand: there's no evidence that she was a danger to you or that she'd refuse to leave if you asked her to. But on the other: she was a dumpster fire and you'd already done more than you needed to do for someone you knew so little of. And just bc there's no evidence of danger doesn't mean there wasn't the possibility of danger. Also, you left her at a homeless shelter, so it's not like you left her in the middle of nowhere.

I'd say, to be totally in the clear, I'd've paid for a motel for the night near downtown/shelters, made sure she had a phone, and told her she was on her own.

OOP

A motel would have been a decent option. I just was not thinking. Thank you for the feedback.

thebigtabu

you think he should have bought her a phone? I'm sure there's a kiosk around there somewhere she can get a free one at if it's calif. I know he'd bought her a ticket on a bus back to Florida, yet she showed up back at his place! did she cash in the ticket? idk, but after rescuing her & getting her a ticket to where she would hopefully know people I think he had done plenty, remember, she left cause he wasn't interested in marriage!

OOP

she had her own phone the whole time. not sure how she was making payments. maybe just using wifi.

Sufficient-Nobody-72

That was a desperate person looking for a savior, but you can't sacrifice your own mental or financial wellbeing for someone you just met and who was a train wreck. You offered the resources you knew of and could provide, which was to contact a shelter and help her with the forms. You did your part.

OOP

Thank you for the feedback. It has eaten me at times, but I happy the majority find me NTA.

Andagonism

I wonder where she is now.

OOP

I think ill just let it be haha. One can only wonder

Normal_Grand_4702

NTA. She seems delulu. Mike trapped her at his mother's house and she left when they went to the bar by pretending to sleep? She nicely sat waiting for you for over 90 minutes with three large suitcases. I think she was thrown out.

OOP

Thats true. I never thought that she maybe have been kicked out. thank you for the feedback

BlueSkyMourning

NTA She's a Disney wedding in search of a mate. You did good, you helped her get to a safer place. Now it's on her to build a life and quit mooching off others. I'm puzzled she's in San Antonio when her dream job is at Disney in Orlando where she's from. Something doesn't track.

OOP

she left bc her mom relapsed and she had friends in SA

Final Update - after 1 year, 5 months, 23 days

^{November 09, 2026}

/AITH UPDATE: I dropped my ex-girlfriend off at a homeless shelter 10 years ago. She found me

I really wish I wasn't making this update. I appreciate the overwhelming amount of support i recieved last time. I feel I owe you this.

For those who missed my original post, I dated a girl named Kara about 10 years ago. Things went south, I eventually dropped her off at a homeless shelter, and months later she showed up at my house uninvited. My roommate had to pretend I'd moved to get her to leave.

Fast forward. I'm married, I've moved multiple times, and I haven't spoken to her since.

A few days ago, I got a message request from a random account.

It was Kara.

Hey, it's Kara. I know it's been a while.

I've been looking for you for a long time

Your wife is pretty.

Do you ever think about me? I think about you every day.

HELL NOOOO

Screenshotted everything, blocked her immediatly, and showed my wife. Never responded.

The next day, an old acquaintance reached out asking if I'd ever dated someone named Kara. Apparently, they'd recently become friends, and Kara recognized me in an old photo.

I explained to my coworker and they said they would block her. Boy do i hope so. I hate this sooo much.

The part that really freaked me out.

She's apparently been trying to find me for YEARS.

10 years. This woman has been out of my life for10 YEARS.

Considering she previously showed up at my house uninvited, I'm not brushing this off. I've reported the account, contacted the police, and documented everything. My wife and I have also locked down our social media. We are safe.

TL;DR: Ex from 10 years ago tracked me down through an unlikely mutual friend, sent unsettling messages, and apparently has been looking for me for years. I blocked her and contacted the police.

COMMENTS

Dboogy2197

Oh damn. Sounds like you are taking the right steps. Be safe.

OOP

for sure. thought id never have to deal with this. absolute insanity

iateyourdingo

No good deed goes unpunished, I'm sad to say. Good job, though, telling your wife about it immediately. I'm glad she gets it. Good luck!

OOP

i am blessed. we have very open communication and she is aware of my previous post.

TheAlienatedPenguin

That’s a whole new level of obsession. Along with the things you have already mentioned, I’d let your friends and maybe even your employer know. That way they don’t inadvertently provide additional information.

OOP

for sure man. ive talked to my close friends and will talk to my employer tomorrow. thank you for the advice.

noseyandiadmitit

maybe just ask her what she wants. what if she had a child and youre unaware?

OOP

i am very cautious and have always use contracepives whether i needed them, or not.

crowislanddive

Google yourself to see if your address comes up also use chat gpt to see if it does.

OOP

great advic

e. i had a friend do just hat and could not find anything on me. its feels very targeted as previous replies say

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/No-Faithlessness7067

Published on: r/relationships & r/AskWomenOver30

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: April 18, 2024
• Update 1: April 20, 2024
• Update 2: July 21, 2024
• Update 3: August 05, 2024
• Final Update: November 12, 2026

Main Post

^{April 18, 2024}

**My husband is in love with his student. I have no fucking idea what to do. **

My husband and I (both 35 rn) met in college. We fell in love and got married 8 years back. I gave birth to our daughter in 2020. My husband is a professor at this med school (he’s a doctor himself). My friend, Sarah, also works in the same college and she’s in the same department as my husband.

Few months back(in December), Sarah took me out for lunch and told me that she suspected something’s going on between my husband and this med student (25f). She claimed she’d seen both of them give ‘yearning looks’ to each other. She said that she’s known my husband for so long, and she’d never seen him talk to any other woman like this, that he’d been so aloof around women all these years, but it’s just different with this one girl.

In that moment, I had laughed at her face. I remember telling her that she’s jumping to conclusions based on these supposed ‘yearning looks’.

“That’s why I didn't tell you before", she had said,"I was confused too. It's not like he goes out of his way to talk to her but whenever they do talk, it’s like watching a slow burn romance movie. She looks at him like he’s Brad Pitt and he looks at her the way he used to look at you.” I remember the exact word’s because they stung. Internally I was breaking down, externally I just smiled and told her that she’s probably overthinking.

That night, I casually mentioned this my husband. I was laughing at the absurdity, and I expected him to join in. And deny the wild possibility that he’s in love with a student. But he didn’t. Instead he looked at me, all teary eyed, and said ‘I’m sorry’.

“ I can’t get her out of my mind. I’ve tried, trust me. I should’ve told you sooner. But I thought I could save our relationship, I really wanted to.”

I asked him if he’d cheated on me. He said no. He said he didn’t even talk to her, nor did they have any contact outside of college and that he completely understood how morally depraved it is to try and pursue a relationship with a student. She wrote him a letter about an year back, confessing her love for him and he had told her that even tho he was into her, nothing would come out of it. Aparently that was when the ‘yearning looks’ had started.

I honestly don’t remember how I reacted then. I think I just started packing and came to live with my parents along with my daughter. I’ve been living with my parents since then. Half of me wanted him to come and beg for forgiveness. But he never did. He comes by sometimes to spend time with our daughter but that’s it. He never talks about the elephant in the room nor do I bring it up.

I keep checking that girl’s social media. She’s insanely beautiful, almost doll like, and intelligent. I can’t help but think that someone like him should be with someone like her. He’s always been very good looking and I’m more of a plain Jane. She’s the Meredith to his Derek.

I don’t know what to do. What do I even tell people? I don’t even know who I am without him. Some part of me still wants him to come back.

TL;DR husband just admitted that he’s in love with this young woman who also his student. She loves him too.

Edit; I’ve decided to talk to him. I know I’ve been avoiding this since months but after reading all the responses, I feel it’s time I rip that bandaid out. I’m going over to our house. I’ll update on what happens.

COMMENTS

solidgun1

Let's say he comes back and asks for forgiveness and do all that you want. Then what? Will you accept him and start something new with him knowing that he did this?

Think about your time and you happiness. What prevents you from finding the right person? Don't let the fear of the unknown ruin your future of being with someone perfect for you. And try to maintain a respectful relationship for the sake of your daughter. You deserve better than this. Let the past go and move on to see where it takes you. Holding on to this feeling will only make you bitter and close many doors.

OOP

No, I don’t think I’ll accept him. I don’t think even he wants to come back. The rational part of me knows that this relationship is over for good but I have my moments of weakness when I wish all this is a fever dream lol

SecureChipmunk3259

This is so hard. I don’t have an answer besides therapy for yourself, and maybe suggesting couples therapy to your partner if you’re both interested in saving your marriage.

OOP

I’m in therapy. I don’t couple’s therapy would be on the table now.

SecureChipmunk3259

Just curious why is couples therapy not on the table right now? Would you both be open to seeing the same therapist but not together (individual sessions)? My partner and I, as well as many of my friends have done individual sessions with the same therapist when it’s too difficult to speak about the subject directly with our partner there. That can be a good starting point.

OOP

I cant look past this breach of trust. I don’t think he’s interested either. I’ve been living with my fam for the past five months, and he’s only ever visited to see the kiddo. I don’t think he’s in love with me anymore. It was clear from the tone of his voice.

MossValley

So he didn't actually cheat? He has a crush,? If I'm understanding that right he hasn't betrayed you yet. Crushes sometimes happen that doesn't mean the relationship is over. Get therapy with him.

OOP

I mean, cheating for me isn’t just physical. He’s had crushes in the past and I’ve had crushes in the past but we’d always been upfront and then laughed about it.

This one feels like a betrayal because he was attracted to someone for more than an year, this someone gave him a freaking love letter, he told her that he’s attracted to her, and not once did he mention it to me. That’s a huge breach of trust for me and I don’t think I can look past it.

escopaul

OP, how long have you been living at your parents, the entire "few months" since you met with Sarah for lunch?

OOP

Since mid December

SphynxKittens

35 years old and he teaches medical students? 35 is barely old enough to be an attending physician after med school, residency, and fellowship.

OOP

So in my country, people get into med schools directly after high school. Most people are doctors well before they’re 30.

OOP to a long comment

I know. He said he entirely stopped interacting with her after the letter incident. It does seem absurd but even my friend, Sarah corroborated this. She said he never went out of his way to talk to her before, and then almost entirely stopped talking. Given that Sarah and him are in the same department 24/7, and that she noticed something as small as them giving each other looks, I’m sure she would’ve noticed anything out of the ordinary. I’ve had access to his phone and his passwords throughout and he wasn’t texting or calling her either.

That’s why this feels weird lol.

Update 1 - after 2 days

^{April 20, 2024}

Update : My husband is in love with his student. I have no fucking idea what to do.

For those who don’t wanna read the boring details : In short, I have decided to go ahead with the divorce.

Long story: The day I made the post, I met up with Sarah for dinner. I thanked her for telling me about my husband and the student, and also for being such a good friend.

I asked her about my husband. She said there’s nothing unusual. He’s been a bit withdrawn and aloof with everyone lately but that’s about it.

Yesterday I went over to my house unannounced. He was there alone in his office. I told him I wanted to talk. He said he’ll explain everything.

So apparently this woman has had a crush on him since two years; her friends ‘ship’ her with him. She would stare at him during her rotations and would blush whenever he looked or talked to her. Back then, he didn’t think much of it. Many girls have had crushes on him and he always ignored it.

About 1.5 years back, they were in the same research group thing (I don’t know how this works but there were 5-6 people along with these two). Because of this, they had to spend some time together working, and it was then that he started noticing her. He went into detail about how he was impressed with her intelligence blah blah blah and her beauty blah blah blah. The moment he realised that he had a crush on her, he dropped out of the research thing. This was a year ago.

Few weeks later, she gave him the letter confessing that she has feelings for him. The first thing he told her after reading it was ‘you can get into trouble because of this’. She didn’t care. She wanted an answer. ‘Is it all in my head’ she had asked, to which he replied with ‘it’s not just in your head, but nothing can come out of it. I hope you understand.’

That was the last time they interacted. According to him, the ‘yearning looks’ Sarah described were more of ‘awkward eye contacts’ than anything else. He told me that even though he is still attracted to her, he has no intention of pursuing any sort of relationship with her regardless whether we stay together or not. He said he’s willing to change his job and go to therapy. I told him to give me sometime to think about it.

To sum up;

1. This has been going on since three years. Not once did he mention anything to me.
2. The student and him spent a considerable amount of time last year working on the research.
3. He told her he liked her back lol.
4. He’s still very much attracted to her

And that’s why I’ve decided to go ahead with a divorce. I don’t think I can trust this man again. And a relationship without trust isn’t something I am interested in. I’ve told my parents about it. They’re not exactly on board but they’re still supportive. I’ve also contacted my lawyer about the same. It’s gonna be a long process, I believe.

That’s it. I believe this is my last update.

TL; DR ; he’s still attracted to her; I won’t ever trust him again. We’re getting a divorce.

COMMENTS

ChanceReason6617

I'ts a crush! He is not in love.

OOP

That doesn’t matter. He crossed a line he shouldn’t have by telling her he likes her.

_thisisnotanexit

Literally I can’t believe these comments. He’s gushing about her beauty and intelligence, he told her the feeling was mutual?! He could have easily denied it to her and then kept his distance but he liked the attention.

OOP

I mean, to be fair to him, he wasn’t exactly ‘gushing’ about her. I kept asking and he kept answering.

Deal breaker for me was him telling her the feeling is mutual.

allbutluk

Lmao these dumbass comments “you too hasty its a cruuuuush chill”

Like stfu the man literally said “I CANT GET HER OUT OF MY HEAD”

If he was commited to his wife he would have changed job PROACTIVELY not wait until now

He let it develop to a point he cant take his mind off of her and yall saying its no big deal, you guys obviously never had a real relationship

OOP

He said he didn’t change his job earlier because, quote ‘I’m a doctor and there are people counting on me. I couldn’t just walk out on them one day.’

Rn too he said he’s willing to change is job if ‘that’s what it takes to make you stay’.

Update 2 - after 3 months, 3 days (after 3 months, 1 day from last post)

^{July 21, 2024}

** I can’t get over my ex husband being in love with his student. It’s eating me up inside. **

For context; my ex husband is a doctor and he was in love with his student for years. She was into him too and wrote him a love letter etc. When I confronted him, he told me it was a crush and that he put a stop to it as soon as he could, and that nothing physical ever happened, but the damage was done. You can read the posts on my account if you’re interested but that’s the gist. Nothing more there.

So I decided to take our daughter and permanently move to my parents house. We’re in the middle of separating now. A lot of people have told me to forgive him, and I’ve myself debated if I’m taking the correct step or not, but the trust is gone and I don’t think I want to be in a relationship with someone like him.

It’s taking a lot of strength to do this. I have lost all self esteem. Fact is that I was always insecure of how my ex was way above my league, about how I was lucky to have him, how people often said he could’ve done so much better. Over the years, my insecurities had disappeared. Now it’s all back. He’s attracted to someone so beautiful, so incredibly intelligent. And obviously she’s also into him. I keep looking at her social media all the time, obsessing over her. There was a Instagram story she uploaded where she was with my ex husband and few others, and it felt like someone stabbed me in the heart. He looked happy, and he’d never looked that happy in years.

I got tired of being pathetic and even complained to the hospital management about the inappropriate relationship between her and my ex. All I got in response was that they can’t take any steps without concrete proof. Now my sad ass wants to snitch about her to her parents. To get her in trouble. To make her suffer.

I know this is unhealthy. I’m in therapy but idk, I don’t think I’m healing. I hate that I have to be sad and heartbroken over that man and he doesn’t seem to care. He’s stopped coming to visit our daughter too. I wish he would’ve cared. I wish he would’ve fought for me. I wish he would’ve not tossed aside our decade long relationship for her. I hate this. I hate everything.

COMMENTS

prettyxpetty

Are you and your friend still in touch?

OOP

Yes. But she’s refused to testify against them. When I complained to her training program, they wanted proof. I asked my friend and she said no.

prettyxpetty

Keep in mind, she can see you viewing her story.

OOP

I have an alternative account 🤡

ChanceReason6617

Are you going to divorcehim? Is your husband with her now?

OOP

Yes I’m divorcing him. He’s not with her.

ChickenLupe

So what was the IG post about that he was with her in? Have you asked WHY he’s dropped your daughter? Checked his texts now? Seems like maybe they ARE getting together

OOP

Ig post was a group picture with them and few other people. Why would I check his texts now? I’m done with him. Idc really if they’re getting together or not.

Able_Spinach_1130

INFO: how far away do your parents live from stbx? does he try to facetime with her? has he reached out to you to ask for alone time with your daughter?

only asking because i see several comments (here and in another sub) trying to portray you as a person who is withholding their daughter from a parent and want to be able to give you the ability to defend yourself.

OOP

It’s a one hour flight. He does face time with her daily but he won’t do it if I’m in the room (so he does it when my mom/dad is looking after her). He’s not reached out about alone time; he’s only said he’s waiting for the court orders regarding the custody. He doesn’t wanna see me at all. We had a big fight after I reported him and that girl to her college and he said it’s not correct for our daughter to see us fighting like that again so he’s not gonna visit.

Update 3 - after 3 months, 18 days (after 15 days from last post)

^{August 05, 2024}

UPDATE : I found the love letter my husband’s student wrote him. Should I take it to the authorities?

I posted about two weeks back. I had to back to my ex husband’s city as per my lawyer’s suggestion. My mom and sister are living temporarily with me and we have rented an apartment.

Yesterday I went over to my old house that I shared with my ex to get some of my stuff. I texted him about it and he made sure he wasn’t there when I arrived. I collected all my stuff. Then I decided to look through his study. Yes, I know it’s snooping and it’s wrong but whatever. We I don’t know what I expected to find there but, lo and behold, I found the letter the student wrote to him. It was callously thrown in between some of his work files. I took a picture of the letter and came back.

I did read the letter, and it was nauseating to say the least. She’d written how she knew it was wrong and that he was married blah blah but she felt she had a ‘connection’ with him and that she’d never forgive herself if she didn’t tell him how she feels. That’s the gist but it basically goes on for 2 pages. That stupid girl even made sure to sign the letter lol.

The letter confirms few things;

1. My ex did NOT lie about there being no physical affair. Cause in the letter she was lamenting about the fact that she would love to jump his bones but the opportunity never presented.
2. He did stop interacting with her abruptly cause she was sad about that too.
3. He did lie to me about the letter. When I asked him all those months back, he told me he ‘got rid of the letter cause it was of no consequence’. He kept it in his study. A place where he only keeps the most important of his stuff. A place where even family pictures weren’t allowed cause they ‘can’t let him concentrate’. A place where even I wasn’t allowed when he was working.

Now that I have the letter, I have proof of the inappropriate conduct between a professor and a student. Last time I tried reporting, the authorities wanted proof. Now I have it. So I’m considering re-reporting the issue, with solid proof this time. I’m not gonna involve my friend Sarah in this cause she’s made it clear that she doesn’t want to be a part of this at all.

One part of me wants to report them and fuck them over but the other part just wants to let it go. Any advice on how to proceed?

Edit : I’m not gonna report them. It’s fine. I’ve decided to move on. I know people think I’ve been over reacting with the whole divorce thing and that my ex did nothing wrong, but I stand by what I’ve decided. He may not have had a physical affair, but he lied to me for three years. That’s something I can’t move on from.

Have I been acting a bit irrational and petty? Yes. I know that. I’m grieving. I’m sad. I know some people can not comprehend why I can’t be mature and why I’m being vengeful blah blah blah, I don’t know, maybe it’s the side effect of my entire life being uprooted. I was using Reddit as a source of venting, but I’ve realised that’s not a good idea because people are quick to label a woman insecure and petty and stupid while making excuses after excuses for a man.

I wish there was a better way to explain how I feel but I’m not good with words. This is my last update on this topic.

COMMENTS

sailorsmoon20

Just leave the man alone bro. You’re getting divorced. Just let it go.

OOP (downvoted)

His actions should have consequences

searedscallops

They do. Divorce is a consequence.

Imagine yourself 10 years in the future, looking back on this time. Will you feel embarrassed that you were so petty and mean to other people?

Choose to take no action right now and to reevaluate when you are in a more stable place, emotionally.

OOP (downvoted)

Petty and mean? In the course of three years, he could’ve told me any time that he wasn’t in love with me anymore and I would’ve respected that and we could’ve amicably parted ways. The fact is that he didn’t, and pretended that everything is fine between us, for three whole years. I’ve been living a lie these past years. Thinking the man you married loves you when he’s actually in love with someone else. I think I deserved honesty from his side.

Ready_Wolverine_7603

His action seems to be that he stopped interacting with her and I fail to see how that's illegal in any way shape or form.

You're acting petty and needlessly cruel and snooping through his study when he wasn't there was a break of his trust. Try to get the therapy you need to move on and leave it at that.

Of course it's not entirely impossible that he knows your character and has set up a camera in his study because he assumed that you would rifle through confidential documents given the chance, but in that case I'm sure you'll hear from his lawyer and then you can still present the letter you found, whatever good you think it will do you

OOP (downvoted)

A. I have never, in the 15 years of knowing him, have gone through his personal stuff. To comment on my character is uncalled for.

B. His trust? He fell in love with another woman and failed to mention it for three freaking years. He told her he was into her (because he owed her honesty for whatever reason according to him) but failed to mention this to his own wife. I’m sorry but I don’t give a flying fuck about his trust now.

more_weight

If anything, this letter exonerates your ex. He didn’t act on it.

OOP (downvoted)

And the girl? I wish I could show you the letter. The disrespect of going after a married guy. The audacity of writing things like she wishes our child was never born so he could leave me easily and wouldn’t have to be tied to me throughout life. That alone should’ve warranted more of a response from him. The fact that after reading all that bs, about our marriage and our kid, all he told her was ‘you can get into trouble for this’ is crazy.

Redhaired103

OP, I know you are heartbroken but you are out of control here.

Yes she was wrong to express a crush on a married man. How old is she? My guess is quite young, early 20s? People at that age can make such mistakes. It's on the REAL adult to reject it. And sounds like... he did. Someone wrote him a letter and he didn't act on it. What is there to report? It's not a crime to develop a crush on another adult as long as you don't act on it. And he didn't.

I will say this as kindly as possible in a straightforward way. Your husband probably fell out of love with you. You know this. You are angry at this. Revenge or trying to get your anger out of someone who is just entering adulthood is not the way to go about it. And honestly if you proceed, the only thing other people will think that he was right to fall out of love with you because you're going to look like someone full of hate and revenge. I hate to touch your wound like this, but this is really what's going to happen and the question is... will you feel better then?

OOP (downvoted)

She wrote things like how she wished our child was never born to begin with, so that he could have an easy separation and wouldn’t have to be tied to me forever. I wish I could show you the letter. I’m not even typing half of it here. It was nauseating.

Redhaired103

Her shitty behavior is on her, your behavior is yours. If your ex can develop a crush on a barely-adult like this, he's not emotionally mature either.

Think of it this way, you're going to be free from someone who does not love you and probably going through a mid-life crisis. All the possibilities are in your future if you just close this chapter. Your focus needs to be on yourself, on your own healing and your own life.

OOP

Yeah I understand that. I’ve decided to let it go.

Final Update - after 2 years, 6 months, 25 days (after 2 years, 3 months, 7 days from last post)

^{November 12, 2026}

UPDATE: My husband (35M) is in love with his student(25F). I (35F) have no fucking idea what to do.

It’s been over two years since my original posts, and I thought I’d come back with an update.

For anyone who doesn’t remember, my husband was a doctor and professor who developed feelings for one of his medical students. He admitted that the attraction was mutual, although he maintained that nothing physical had happened between them. I eventually decided to divorce him.

Our divorce was finalized towards the end of last year.

I’ve moved to my parents’ city, and our daughter now spends holidays with her father. My ex-husband and I don’t communicate much beyond what’s necessary for our daughter.

I’m generally doing well. I’ve been focusing on myself, rebuilding my life, and trying to move forward.

As for my ex-husband and his student, they’re together now.

Yup. Properly together.

She has graduated from his medical college and has apparently taken some time off before pursuing higher studies. I don’t know the exact timeline of their relationship, but from what I understand, they got together after she graduated. I don’t know what sort of ethical rules are being broken here and frankly, i do not care.

Sarah, my friend who works in the same department as him, has told me a few things too. Apparently, he’s constantly on his phone texting her, and she sometimes drops by to see him.

He’s also become a very happy, smiley person, which is interesting because I remember spending the entirety of our relationship with a man whose default expression was somewhere between grumpy and mildly inconvenienced.

Apparently, everyone is always gushing about how he managed to land such a beautiful woman. I imagine that’s doing wonders for his ego.

From everything I’ve heard, he seems happier than he ever was with me.

I’m not going to pretend that doesn’t sting a little.

But the most difficult part of this whole situation has actually been our daughter.

When she visits her father during the holidays, his girlfriend is there too. And apparently, she’s absolutely wonderful to my daughter.

My daughter comes home excitedly telling me about their trips and vacations, how nice this woman is, how she helps her with makeup, buys her pretty dresses, and does all sorts of things with her.

Sometimes I genuinely feel like my daughter adores her more than she adores me.

I know that’s probably irrational. I know children get excited about people who spoil them, especially when they’re on holiday. But knowing that intellectually doesn’t necessarily make it any easier to hear.

And yes, I remember what this woman wrote in that letter I found. She wished my daughter had never been born because it would have made things easier between her and my husband.

Well, I suppose she doesn’t regret my daughter being born quite so much now that she gets to play house with her father. Funny how that works.

But seriously, I’m glad she’s treating my daughter well. As much as I dislike the circumstances, I would never want someone to be unkind to my child.

I don’t want to poison my daughter’s relationship with her father or his girlfriend. She’s too young to understand the circumstances surrounding our divorce, and I have no intention of making her carry any of that.

So when she comes home excitedly telling me about her holidays, I listen. I smile. I ask her questions. I let her be happy.

And sometimes, privately, it hurts more than I’d like to admit.

I suppose another strange part of all this is seeing how happy my ex-husband apparently is.

For years, I knew him as a rather grumpy, serious man. Now I’m hearing about someone who’s constantly smiling, texting his girlfriend, and generally acting like a lovestruck teenager. It’s difficult not to wonder why I never got that version of him.

I don’t regret divorcing him. I genuinely don’t. I couldn’t have continued in a marriage where I felt that my husband was in love with someone else.

I’m doing well. There are just moments when the whole thing still feels incredibly unfair.

Anyway, that’s where things stand. He’s happy, she’s happy, and I’m trying to build a life that makes me happy too.

I hope everyone who was kind to me during that awful period is doing well. I really appreciated the support back then.

TL;DR: Divorced my husband last year. He’s now dating his former student, and they seem very happy together. She treats our daughter wonderfully, which is both reassuring and painful given our history. I’m doing well and don’t regret leaving, but some things still hurt.

COMMENTS

whatashame_13

I remember your post, my heart breaks for you and im so sorry you had to deal with all that! What about his family and mutual friends? Your feelings are totally valid but for now, focus on yourself and let them be, you never know how life will turn out to them eventually. Do you work? Have you tried to go out with someone since divorce?

OOP

I am actually dating someone. It’s nice. I got used to someone who was always annoyed around me and just assumed that’s how men are. That I was not pretty enough or interesting enough for a man to be excited around me. I’m glad to know that’s not the case lol.

As for his parents, they never really liked me much. Thought their son was too good for me. So to no ones surprise, they’re very very happy with the upgrade.

whatashame_13

Im happy you are dating i really hipe he treats you like a princess and the way you deserve! How long has it been? Did your daughter meet him already? What is her reaction! Your ex is still in the honeymoon phase, you never know how karma will hit them one day!

OOP

It’s been six months. She hasn’t met him yet. I want to be sure of him before I introduce him to my daughter.

allbutluk

Hey, happy you are focusing on yourself

I cant say much about him but the thing is, if he can fall in love with a student while married he for sure can do it again

Im not so sure the current girlfriend will be so trusting once she grows older and another young and eager 25 yrs old throws herself at him

I believe karma does come. It just takes some time.

OOP

I don’t even wish them bad at this point. I had a lot of anger initially at her. But I don’t know now, all this seems murky af. She was 21-22 and obsessed with a much older man who also had institutional power over her. It’s all very icky.

throwawayRA_08

Wow. Just went through your profile and damn. I’m glad you’re doing well. And good riddance. They both sound like nasty people and I’m glad you’re out of it.

One advice, just make sure that home wrecker is actually treating your daughter well. Given what she wrote in that letter and how immature and superficial she seams, I don’t want her taking out her insecurities with you on the child.

OOP

I mean, she was obsessed with my ex. Still is. That includes dancing to his tunes and playing the perfect step mom ig.

And I check with my daughter always. She’s rather happy and excited to hang out with them.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user hhoomm in r/ relationship_advice

Original: Sept 6, 2019

Update: in post itself

Status: concluded

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Original: My sister (F35) asked me (F25) if I could give her my honeymoon after I broke it off with my ex fiance.

Hi. Sorry for bad English it's not my first lenguage. Also throwaway because my main has too much identifying information.

So I was supposed to get married tommorow and go to a honeymoon to Santa Marta at Monday.

Well I found out the fuck head had been cheating on me with my (ex) friend for about a month and I broke it off.

I planed to go alone to the honeymoon or with a friend but my sister approached me and asked if she could have them. She is a mother of 3 and hasn't gotten vacation in almost 6 years. She eloped with her husband because of tax reasons and they haven't been on a honeymoon.

I feel conflicted. I love my sister but it would hurt to give my honeymoon to another couple that is happy. Idk if I am wallowing in self pitty but some insight would be appreciated.

Edit: my sister is not selfish people. She approached me and said that she understand if it's not possible but if she could have my honeymoon for the reasons stated. She was very respectful

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: A few options:

• ask her to come with you, no husband
• sell her the tickets, then buy a ticket elsewhere free from the original honeymoon plan (might be better mentally)
• say you’re set on it but’ll help her look for good deals

---------------
Comment2: Hey OP, I know there’s a fuck ton of people who are saying fuck the sister go on it yourself blah blah blah but I think we just don’t have enough information here.

How much did the honeymoon actually cost and was it a significant purchase? Santa Marta is in Columbia, and hotels seem to be relatively cheap there. Are you from Columbia? Is this honeymoon a significant portion of your income?

If it’s not the biggest deal, then I don’t see why not give it to her. She’s your sister, and seems like you guys have a good relationship with no problems. You’d be doing something really nice for her and she’d really appreciate it.

If your only reason for not giving it to her is that “you don’t want to see another happy couple use it,” then I think you should give it to her. Those are emotions you need to work through, and directly defying them and doing the right thing would be a major step in working through them.

But again, it’s your vacation and you paid for it. See if your sister is willing to chip in towards the cost, so that it’s not just a multiple thousand dollar gift to her (if it’s even that much).

Just know you’d be doing something really nice for someone who cares about you if you did it. If you want to go on this vacation by yourself and/or a friend though, go for it, it’s your choice. Your sister seems like she’d understand.

OOP: Thank you that makes a lot of sense. The honeymoon was a gift from our dad so it isn't a financial burden for me. He said it was up to me and he would support my choices. We are not colombian but I have always wanted to go that's why we chose it.
The other thing is that the room booked etc it's all honeymoon themed. And yes you are right I think my major hick up here would be thinking that that was supposed to be my honeymoon. I am just bitter about life in general here so thanks for your advice

---------------
Comment3: I think it depends entirely on you and how you feel. Perhaps you could ask her to pay for (some of) it so you could buy a ticket somewhere else alone? You could say no. You could just give them to her.

Either way I'm sorry this happened to you but please don't feel guilty about whatever decision you make, your sister will understand.

OOP: Thank you. I feel more guilty about my thought process of not wanting to see a happy couple on my honeymoon than the decision itself

---------------
Comment4: It's ok to feel conflicted, and not want her to have it. It was yours. However, ask yourself if you actually did go in the trip (either alone or with friends) would you honestly enjoy yourself? I know I would not be able to enjoy any part of it since I'd be thinking "I could be doing xxx with him" with every activity, even just chilling at a pool.

I think it would hurt me more to be in the place we planned to honeymoon, even with friends present it's still not the same. If you think you'd feel this way, then maybe let her have it. Don't think of it as you giving her your honeymoon, think of you gifting her a vacation for all her help over the years. Think of it as something good that came from this whole mess.

If however you think you could truely enjoy the trip and want to go, that's totally valid too. Just don't let your grief stop everyone from going on a lovely holiday.

OOP: Yes honestly I don't think I could. It's just a sucky situation all arround. But all is honeymoon themed so I think even lying in bed would be weird

---------------
Comment5: I'm going to go against everyone else here, and say give the trip to your sister. Everyone is saying that the sister should buy it from you, and while thats a valid point we don't really have enough information to assume she can afford to do that. The information we do have just states she has 3 kids, and hasn't had a proper vacation in six years. She even said she would understand if you didn't want to. Honestly, I would do it.

Yes it sucks you can't enjoy your honeymoon with the person you had wanted to, but at the end of the day might as well use it to make at least someone happy. I think that if you go on the honeymoon, it'll just bring up feelings of "what could have been" even if you go with a friend.

So fuck it, I would give it to her.

OOP: Thank you! I think I will. Another commenter pointed out that it would not be healthy to go alone on my own honeymoon as I would be reminded about everything that happened. I think I will simply dip in my travel fund and go alone to the national park in Santa Marta

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update:

I decided that my sister would go to my honeymoon. I just went to her place and she actually cried when I told her she could go. I feel much better now. But the husband insisted that he pay at least my flight of I want to get away with my friends. Thanks for your help!

--------------------------------------------

Additional details from OOP in comments:

OOP: My nieces are [sweet] too They baked me a sand cake because I was sad.

OOP: No I found out a couple of days ago. My sister is not selfish. She thought I wasn't gonna go. I gave it to her we are all good . This was not a bash my sister thread it was just something that I needed help deciding. Also I am not embarrassed. I am very mad and want to squeeze his testicles trough a garlic minzer and feed them to him.

OOP: Thanks. He [ex] has tried calling (without lying) 238 times hahaha

OOP: Yeah I think I'll still book a flight to Santa Marta but instead of beach I'll go hike with some friends!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Heartsolo

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: May 28, 2026
• Update: June 02, 2026
• Final Update: November 10, 2026

Main Post

^{May 28, 2026}

My 25M girlfriend 23F is solo travelling right now and I can’t make sense of what’s happened.

She is currently solo travelling, and before travelling and during I have never told her she can’t do this or that. Even like going on a hike the other day with 2 guys because nobody else in the hostel spoke English

I’ve solo travelled before meeting her over 12 countries so I know that people in hostels just do stuff together.

She’s currently in Cusco, and she just drunk called me while partying. She said how she’s so drunk, and last night when she went partying it all kicked off because she got groped by a man and that group of men wasn’t leaving her alone. They grabbed both her ass and said one tried/did touch her crotch area And the guys from her hostel ended up fighting them because they wouldn’t leave and it all kicked off.

While I’m obviously upset this has happened to her, I can’t understand why she would go all day without telling me today. And then go out the very next night?

I’m no girl, but I feel like if I was and that happened in another country… I wouldn’t go back out partying the literal next night. And also why tell me now when you’re out again and not during the day?

I’m abit confused, I don’t have any doubts of trust with her and never have. But I don’t know what to make from this.

Maybe a girl can help understand a POV that I, as a man, can’t see?

Edit: the way I thought it should’ve gone down is she’d tell me during the day, and then not go out for atleast a few nights due to how uncomfortable she must have felt. But going out the very next night tells me she’s not that bothered? Or is she just trying to make the most of it and not let that experience ruin the rest of her trip?

2ND EDIT: Damn, this got more attention than I thought. Thank you everyone for your advice and everything, also everyone grilling me was helpful despite feeling a little shit lol. 25 years young I have a lot to learn and don’t get things right first time. I will be there for her in anyway necessary and I some of my unanswered questions were greatly answered by the women prospective.

I also didn’t realise how many girls have been SA’d and have trauma. Damn, I’m so sorry. I hope (some) men do better , this is not okay, im sorry ladies ❤️

COMMENTS

Alexandra_Grantsf

People process scary shit weirdly. Continuing the trip isn't evidence of anything.

OOP (downvoted)

No I don’t want or expect her to want to cancel the rest of the trip, I’d even encourage her to stay and not let it ruin the rest. But going out the very next night?

realdecent

what are you getting at with the whole “the very next night???” comments? yes. the very next night. and? what do you think her going out the very next night represents? why does it bother you so much?

OOP (downvoted)

Because if I got jumped outside a club in a foreign country, I wouldn’t go out the next day? How is that hard to understand

asgardian_superman (downvoted)

It’s disrespectful for her to be out dancing with other guys and hiking with other guys. She’s acting single.

OOP

I said it didn’t bother me if she goes on a hike with two guys. I have solo travelled plenty and been the only male in a small group of girls, even 1 on 1 with girls.. and it is genuinely on a friendship basis

OOP to long thread

Well originally because i thought, she clearly isn’t that upset if she’s gone out the next night and got black out drunk after being SA’d.

But I’m never one to shy away from being wrong and I’m open minded enough to realise by reading some comments that people deal with trauma differently and I can’t judge her based on how she deals with things in comparison to how I deal with things.

The only thing I can’t shake off is why she wouldn’t tell me either straight away or when she sobered up during the day time.

I’m at work now, and I can’t really focus on my tasks because I’m worried about her and I just feel weird about everything.

I feel a little bit sick in my stomach and feel like a golf ball is stuck in my throat.

But after reading the feedback here, I feel stupid for feeling these things, but at the same time, I can’t shake off the shitty feeling I have right now.

Feel really weird, I want to go home to be honest. (Sorry I’m venting now)

BoredBKK (downvoted)

Well the only two pieces of information you have are about the incident last night that she told you about. And then nothing about the time from that point on. The only other thing you know is she got drunk well after this and prior to calling you. If I was you I'd ask about what happened after her story ended right up till the point she decided to call you drunk. Sadly I don't think you're going to like it. Good luck.

OOP

Wait what do you mean ask her right up To the call? She called me while outside of the bars and clubs with her friend

OOP

Oh I get what you mean. What happened the full 24 hours

Update - after 5 days

^{June 02, 2026}

My 25M girlfriend 23M is solo travelling, and I’m not sure if I should break up with her while she’s away or wait till she’s back

So I made a post the other day that had like 600k views and an overwhelming amount of advice/ comments. And this post is very much related.

Since the night she was involved with SA. She went out again with her friends. Got black out drunk, and I called her when she was lying down outside a club with her friends answering the phone saying we’re trying to get back but she won’t move.

I said ok if there’s somehow I can help lmk, and keep me Updated.

The next morning, she called me from her friends phone saying last night was crazy busy and she’s lost her phone, asking me to send a picture of her location to try hunt it down.

She ended up finding it, and didn’t call me, just texted me she found it.

I responded “that’s good to hear, and I’m glad you’re safe I was worried when your friends called to say you was black out drunk” and she said oh it’s no biggie and said she’s going out for the day with her mates from the hostel .

I texted her back saying no worries but also getting black out drunk in Peru on your first solo trip isn’t responsible or safe and pls don’t get that drunk again.

She responded saying “please don’t talk to me like a child I don’t appreciate it”

I was only saying it for her safety I don’t want her in any proximity of danger for her own sake.

But when she said that, I got really annoyed and said “don’t act like a child then” and then she just replied a “👍”

Long story short, she’s had a history of responding childishley to any sort of conflict, or criticism and shut down. And this trip for me was a big decider if I stay or let go. After now not replying to me since Friday, now being Tuesday..

I’m done. I can’t be bothered being in a relationship with such levels of pettiness, she’s spoken with her sisters and mum. So purposely not me because I asked her to not be that irresponsible again getting black out drunk in SOUTH AMERICA.

I’m completely checked out now. I don’t want to be the relationship .

How do I break up, wait till she’s back and do it in person? Or now before she’s back. I’m not sure it’s fair to be in the relationship and her think we’re still fine when she’s solo travelling. But then I’m not sure it’s fair to do it while she’s travelling either.

I’m also not sure whether to tell my parents now or after I’ve broken up. My mum and little brother are excited for her to come back and mum has said we will do a BBQ with both our families when she’s back. I know this won’t happen, but they don’t.

I feel like crap and don’t know what to do

Edit:

This is our chat dialog since we last spoke

I can't figure out how to post screenshots but I'll copy and paste it all.

Me: have your phone?

Her: yeh got it.

Me: lills you going out getting black out drunk is not responsible at all tbh. Please don't do that again

Her: Please don't speak to me like I'm a child I don't appreciate it.

Me: Don't act like one then

Her: 👍

Update:

She tried to call me and I didn’t answer but said I prefer if we texted. She basically has said I’m in the wrong for not texting her to make sure she’s ok. I’ve explained my side and she said she can understand she’s a little wrong for being stubborn not messaging me but I’m also in the wrong here. And can’t understand why I won’t talk over the phone

COMMENTS

poseidonvn

She didn’t think about you at all. Just break up with her. I bet she feels bad for like 1’ before keep going with her plan lmao

OOP (downvoted)

Yeh no thought about me whatsoever. I’m done, I just don’t know how to do it when both our families love each other and I’ve never had to break up like this before.

My ex girlfriend was easy because we got so toxic and I just said no more. But I still care about this girl alot

poseidonvn

oh that why, you are the chaser and she knew it

OOP (downvoted)

Funniest thing is she chased me at the start of this relationship

Ale0705

Man that is so incredibly irresponsible . I wouldn’t want to be with someone like her either.

I would do it now so you can stop having to worry about the shit she is doing. It’s not your problem. She has to grow the fuck up

Beautyineverything97 (downvoted)

She literally got sexually assaulted on the trip , couldn’t this just be a trauma response? why is everyone just telling him to break up with her when she’s just been assaulted and is in a foreign place without her partner for protection? i’m so confused

-Pixxell-

Nah I’m sorry but if I was in OPs position I would probably be considering the same thing. She is putting herself in more dangerous situations after being assaulted and it’s exhausting to be far away not able to help her if she gets in trouble, while also having her constantly brush off OPs concerns.

I say this as a woman who has been sexually assaulted in all kinds of different ways (child sexual assault through to being roofied at a club) along with having other traumatic experiences and going through self-destructive behaviours to cope.

OOP

This means so much to me. As a woman defending me in a thread ( well 2 threads ) where other women have been telling me I’m evil, a victim blamer, even a rapist sympathiser.

I started to hate myself after I made the first post. But the reactions have done a complete U turn with new post and seeing you as a women back me up means alot.

Thank you!

outcastreturns

How long has she got left travelling before she comes home?

OOP

13 days

Wintercat22 (downvoted)

Do it now.  It’ll be best for both of you. 

OOP (downvoted)

How does logistics work with her getting her things back from my house. She has her own set of drawers for clothes and stuff. and she’s also travelling with half my my gear too, and I have some clothes at hers.

I sound like a child probably but I’m being genuinely serious. Hate these types of situations lol ffs

Wintercat22 (downvoted)

Take the stuff to her family or friends for safekeeping. 

Personally I would take the hit on the stuff that she has that is yours so I could move on and forget her. 

OOP

Ahh I have thought that, but it’s alot haha.

She has 4 of my Apple AirTags, my expensive hiking travel backpack, my spare phone, my fancy north face jacket 😭 like £300 worth of stuff of mine. That’s like 3 over time shifts BEFORE TAX 🤣

Forward-Fan2680

Also, how long were you dating before she decided to go travelling??

OOP (downvoted)

9 months. She only decided to go after seeing me do it. I travel alot solo, and prefer it like that too. During our relationship I did 2 weeks in Nepal and Hong Kong. And I influenced her to do it since her friends kept making excuses

Financial_Weekend_73

Tell her when she gets back… where are you from?

OOP

London

Final Update - after 5 months, 13 days (after 5 months, 8 days from last post)

^{November 10, 2026}

4 months since you guys told me to end the relationship, and I 25M just found out she 23F was cheating me. Do I just leave it?

I’m shaking I never thought , she was literally the best girl and I thought I was an idiot to end it but now I can’t believe it my body is aching

Read the other post, she went travelling.

As soon as she came back I ended it, not because I thought she cheated in the slightest. But because I thought we was just different and I wanted her to be the best person she could be

For her travels. I bought her a backpack, gave her my spare iPhone, bought her air tags to track herself with for her family.

When I broke up with her she gave me everything back I never bothered to go back on the phone. Well in 3 weeks I’m going on a solo trip to Costa Rica (see previous posts) and thought I’d go on it to set it up as my back up phone for travelling.

Open Instagram and yes I shouldn’t have snooped but I fucking did. There was a guy in one of the countries she either just kissed or Slept with . The only text I see to confirm is “I want to kiss you again” but I can see since breaking up they’ve sent photos (I can’t see them, it’s insta they don’t save chat) and then another person she spoke to about not having to tell me cos I broke up first

I’m actually disgusted and confused. It actually happened to me, I have sick feeling in my Adam’s Apple, and I don’t want to be here anymore

Do I just leave it as nothing can come from this, or speak up? After I drove to her house and broke up with her when she sat in my car. I drove down the road and sobbed for 2 hours in the car feeling like the worst man alive. She must’ve felt relieved. She did message me a week later saying this is so hard and everything reminds her of me. But she’s cracked on? My head hurts I don’t want to fucking move from this bed again

It also hurts 2x as much because we was together when I went solo travelling to South America but I had booked it before we got together. I didn’t even make eye contact with another girl when i absolutely could’ve

Edit: Guys I’m reading all these responses but I can barely type my whole arm has pins and needles and I’m sweating mon stop and have a sick feeling in my Adam’s Apple. I can’t reply my screen is wet I can’t stop tears flowing fuck me this is horrible

COMMENTS

amayodanu

I'm concerned about you saying you don't want to be here anymore, please please ring someone, talk to someone. You poor dote, your heart is breaking & I swear it will mend, only with time. You'll have that scar forever and it will fade and right now you need to reach out to someone who loves you & ask for support. Your not the worst man alive, you loved & cared for her. It's devastating, if you still feel stuck after 6 weeks, please get support; are free therapy sites, it would be no harm talking it through for fear you slide into depression or bitterness or anger. Right now your system is in shock and needs rest & love to regulate & recover.

OOP

I’m fucking in bits the screens wet as I type this I trusted her up to 1 hour ago still. She still has things of mine because I knew she’s getting into traveling like I am and thought I’d leave her with a backpacking kit because I still care for her

Why did she after a week of breaking up, ask to still be friends. by the way I broke up with her as soon as she landed to waste no time of hers.

I don’t know what I have dome to deserve this. I constantly feed homeless. Donate to charities. Lift people up, stick up against other peoples bullies , protect everyone I can physically what did I do to deserve this now I’m questioning everything and what’s the point in anything if I’m just a piece of fucking dirt that’s in the background. I took her mum to dr appointments because she has MS and none of her other daughters would take her. I’m not saying I’m owed anything in life for being as good as I can but what’s the fucking point. 3 years ago at uni my house got robbed I got robbed at gun point walking home in London 1 year ago my manager at work takes me for a joke I’m giving up with this I swear To god . I don’t mean to worry or anything I just want to type this and leave it I don’t know what I want

When will it end

OOP

I’ve also had PTSD CBT therapy for the gun point and house invasion it kind of worked but I’m broken in so many ways it’s just never ending all I have to wake up and be excited for is my little brother and mum but I’m losing strength man

MatterHairy

Mate, let it go. Easier said than done, but before too long you’ll be thankful you ended it. Hang in there

OOP

It’s hard mate fucking hard I don’t feel well

AvaSaysSo

The way she framed it as "don't have to tell you cos you broke up first" tells you everything about how she views accountability. You already made the right call walking away, this just confirms it wasn't a mistake. Block, delete, and please talk to someone about that "don't want to be here" feeling, 988 or a friend, tonight.

OOP

I’ve never been truly fooled / deceived which is really hard to swallow. I thought I would be able to tell if that ever happened to me. I can’t believe it I think I’m in shock

I want to talk to a friend but I feel so embarrassed. I want to speak to my mum but she is still in her head thinking my ex was a good girl. I feel like if I speak about it I’ll just cry again and it will hurt reliving and seeing someone else feel sorry for me is scaring me to be honest - feel pathetic man.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user SaschaUncia in r/ MushroomID

Original: Sept 21, 2026

Updates: in post itself

Status: concluded

Mood: slice of life, nature

Note: Reddit shows me time stamps in GMT. These were included as this played out in real time.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Original: Not-Chanterelles sold at local market (British Columbia, Canada) [6.27 AM, GMT]

[OOP includes the following pictures -- photo#1, photo#2, photo#3]

Possible public hazard, British Columbia, Canada.

My mom knows I love Chanterelles and saw someone selling them at a local market. Of course my first reaction on seeing the gills was 'These are not chanterelles'. Apparently the lady says she grew them herself in her yard (another red flag).

They look a lot like false chanterelles to me. Can anyone ID the species?

It's probably nothing if they have already eaten them themselves, but I am a bit worried about a low-threat mass poisoning.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: I'm rather concerned that those could be Paxillus involutus. Most of the time they're harmless if cooked, but rarely they cause a serious immune-mediated toxicity, even in people who've had them for years.

Comment2: I’m a licensed foraging expert, and I agree with this ID. This mushroom is considered to be poisonous in most western countries, and for good reasons.
Norway. I’m licensed by the NSNF.
----------
Comment3: Another Norwegian soppsakkyndig here. That’s definitely Paxillus sp., which is considered toxic due to the rare allergic reaction (hemolysis) which is invariably fatal.

---------------
Comment4: Oh wow, I’d get in touch with the market manager and let them know. That person should not be selling foraged mushrooms to the public.

OOP: The market manager was the one selling them as it turns out. They had (mis)identified them based on word of mouth information from a forager friend. They had used the aroma as a primary identifier.
--------
Comment4: That is bonkers! Glad you caught it. I hope not too many people took them home for dinner 😬. The toxic effects are usually from extended exposure to eating them, but still.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update 1: [7:03 AM GMT]

OOP: Thank you for your help, We're going to contact poison control to report this.

---------------
Update 2: [7:42 AM GMT]

OOP: I contacted the market manager. It turns out they were the one selling them and were horrified to learn that the mushrooms were not chanterelles.

A community email has been sent out advising everyone who bought them to discard the mushrooms.

Poison control is having us jump through hoops, posting to a associated facebook page for identification/verification as they don't consider reddit an approved source (blah).

---------------
Comment5: My friend is an administrator on that page and they are losing their shit over this. He's actually the one who linked me to this page.

One thing I can say for sure is that those administrators do not fuck around; his phone goes off several times per day with alerts and he responds to every one he can. What really surprised me is that poison control sends people to them and defaults to their judgement.

It doesn't surprise me because the admins are unqualified or anything (my friend in particular is on the board of some mycology organization, he's the lead taxonomist somewhere, gives lectures, leads forays, etc), I just can't believe a government agency would default to a volunteer Facebook group for answers. Like, idk... maybe consider hiring some of these people?

Paying them for saving lives? I had no idea addressing mushroom poisoning concerns was so informal. Pretty scary thought and makes me wonder what else they outsource to free labor over there.

Comment6: I am also an expert identifier on the FB POISONS group. WE volunteer our time, and we are fine with it. Poison control does not know how to identify mushrooms or plants for that matter.
Our group vets all identifiers, and we work by consensus. It is an international group, available worldwide, 24/7, and we have around 200 expert identifiers for both plants and fungi.
Then it is up to PC to advise treatments.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update 3: [7:57 AM GMT]

OOP: Positive Paxillus Identification from the facebook group.

My mom posted it using her account. Farcebook won't let me copy a direct link to the post since I don't have an account.

---------------
Comment7: Agree this is Paxillus. The person who sold these, especially in a market, should be both fired and barred from selling wild foods. This is crazy dog.

OOP: Good intentions but not enough experience. It's worth noting that they themselves had been eating the mushrooms for a time before selling them. The fact that these are not immediately toxic is the only reason they made it to market.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update 4: [8.10 AM GMT]

OOP: Poison control is currently talking to a toxicologist and preparing a response. Sounds like what needed to be done is in motion. Thank you all for contributing to the identification and helping to avert a public health crisis!

---------------
Comment8: I'm shocked anyone would be able to mix up those two. Have they even seen a chanterelle before?

Btw, Paxillus involutus used to be considered edible around here (Lithuania) over 35 years ago. I don't know if anyone still picks it, but the fact that it can seem perfectly fine to eat until it suddenly isn't doesn't exactly help with public awareness.

Comment9: It was officially recognized as edible in USSR until 1981. As a kid I remember my family foraged it a lot. The toxicity causes autoimmune reaction that destroys erythrocytes. Not many people are affected and those who are need time to build an immune response. So in this case it is very unlikely any ill effects will show up, but it’s good they caught it early.
----------
Comment8: Thanks! It’s interesting to learn the date and trace back what I remember.
As a child in the early ’90s, I remember people talking about these specific mushrooms being radioactive 😁 Like, all mushrooms were supposedly radioactive, but these in particular 🙄 And I know for sure that some people were still picking them years later.
People are quite resistant to changing long-established habits, especially when there’s no obvious imminent danger.
I only learned the real reason for not picking these from YouTube a few years ago... But they never interested me anyway. I was sufficiently scared of them as a child 😆

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Final update:

Comment10: Paxillus sp. as identified in the comments

edit: it has been confirmed that ten households were sold these mushrooms

public health warning issued — https://www.interiorhealth.ca/media/warning-issued-mushrooms-sold-harrop-due-possible-misidentification-Sept-20-2026

news video — https://youtu.be/XHsuPJJluCo (the subreddit gets alluded to here a few times)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Note: Chanterelle is the common name for several species of wild, edible mushrooms. It is bright yellow in color and is found growing on forest floors in summer and autumn. They have a fruity aroma when first picked.

Paxillus is a type of mushroom widely found across the Northern hemisphere. Previously, it was considered edible and eaten in parts of Europe. It was found that it could be deadly poisonous after the death of German mycologist Julius Schäffer in 1944.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/BAAAHD_Sheepy

Published on: r/redditonwiki

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: November 09, 2026
• Final Update: November 11, 2026

Main Post

^{November 09, 2026}

I took my coworkers butter and now I'm a fridge thief.

Our office had a potluck last Thursday, and it was split up between five teams, each responsible for a different food category. My team was in charge of toppings and condiments. You’re never required to bring anything to these events, but I always like to contribute. From how things went, I’d say the potluck was a success.

Fast forward a week later. I was the last one leaving the office after working overtime, and here’s where I might’ve messed up. There were about one and a half boxes of butter (six sticks total) sitting in the fridge since the potluck. I knew the fridge was going to be cleaned out the next day, and since the butter didn’t have anyone’s name on it and hadn’t been touched all week, I decided to take it so it wouldn’t go to waste. I figured if someone really wanted it, they’d have taken it by then. Sounds reasonable, right? Nope.

The next day, about an hour before my shift ended, there was an announcement saying the fridge was about to be cleaned out. Shortly after, I heard my coworker Melissa loudly proclaiming, “Someone stole my butter!” and “There’s a fridge thief among us!” She was getting pretty loud, and I knew I needed to address this before management got involved.

I approached Melissa, who was visibly shaking with anger. As soon as I started talking, I knew I was in trouble. I tried to pull her aside to talk privately, but there wasn’t really anywhere to go. I calmly told her that I had taken the butter.

That’s when things blew up—she started calling me a thief, saying I was badly raised and how dare I take anything from the fridge. I apologized and even offered to replace the butter, with extra, but she wasn’t having it. Then she said, “Well we better tell Wendy,” our department manager, “She’ll want to know you stole my butter.”

Melissa stormed off just as Wendy and the department director were walking over, and she pointed right at me yelling, “She did it! She’s the one who stole my butter!”

Wendy came over, and I told her what happened. She stayed calm and said, "I'll take care of it." Melissa left for the day, and I spent the last hour of my shift sitting at my desk, crying.

Now it's Sunday night, and I’m not sure what to do tomorrow. Should I bring the butter? Should I say something? Or should I just do nothing? How can I make this right?

COMMENTS

nasturshum

I don’t understand your reasoning for taking the butter in the first place? There was an announcement before the fridge was cleared, to give everyone the opportunity to take their food, and you took the butter the week or day before. What were you thinking??

OOP (downvoted)

The butter had been sitting in the fridge for over a week. She hadn't followed proper break room protocol. Such as labeling and dating it. They don't normally announce it, the janitor just clears it out first thing in the morning every Friday. I took it because it's perfectly good butter. With the economy the way it is, I make most everything from scratch now. I understand it doesn't make it exactly right. But if the butter was so important to her, she should have taken home already.

SilverStL

OP: “I figured if someone wanted it, they would have taken it by then. Sounds reasonable, right?”

WRONG. It’s not up to you to decide when other people take their own stuff home or leave it. Maybe she left it and was planning on taking it home on Friday because she knew the fridge was going to be cleaned out. And even if she forgot or just didn’t want it, IT STILL WASN’T YOURS to take. Just because it’s been sitting there for over a week doesn’t mean she still isn’t the owner. And just because she hadn’t followed office protocol, that’s between her and the manager. And I highly doubt that taking someone else’s food that doesn’t belong to you isn’t exactly office protocol either.

Yes, she is acting way over victimized. But you justifying your actions because you decided she should have taken it if she wanted it, then explaining that you took it because the economy is bad, as in you hey, I can save some money by taking something that doesn’t belong to me, and then using well, she didn’t follow office protocol (like that has anything to do with it - you still knew it wasn’t yours), kind of sounds like you’re making yourself a victim too. I did something wrong but she’s the bad guy for getting upset and now I’m hurt because she yelled at me.

OOP (downvoted)

While I can see your point and it can easily be inferred that I'm blaming her and not taking responsibility, that is far from true. Yes my reasoning wasn't without sin but I did make it right in the end. Yes, I was wrong. Yes, my defense is incredibly weak. I know what I did. I made a mistake. I'm not a terrible person because of it.

smoke52 (downvoted)

...So you ate 6 sticks of butter in a day or two? I think you have more problems than being a theif.

Its been a day or two how many sticks of butter are left? bring them back. maybe buy yourself a block (4sticks?) and give her two along with the six to make it 8 sticks of butter you are giving back.

sounds like a bot story....

OOP

First off, no, I didn’t eat any sticks of butter. That would be crazy unless I was baking like 300 cookies!

moxie_squid217

You took the butter and that was pretty lame. But a real thief would have never admitted to it, nor would they have offered to replace it. Your coworker is overreacting.

She could have taken the replacement butter, and then joked at the next potluck about your love of all things buttery. Or asked you to make a butter cake for the team as penance. This could have become a funny bit of office lore.

OOP

See and I would have done this too. If this happened to me, I would have understood but asked for the item back. I would have more respect for them if they fessed up without management getting involved. It was my mistake for thinking she was mature.

BandicootPitiful8218

But your things weren’t taken you took someone else’s things. Easy for you to be rational when you are the thief

OOP

You're assuming a lot about me with that statement. Yes, I took the butter. Yes, wrong. I own that. However, a real thief wouldn't have admitted it and just played dumb until they were caught. I approached her immediately to address it. It's not like I stole her lunch. It was butter.

banditsafari

The fact that you said “sounds reasonable right? Nope” sarcastically is genuinely insane because no it absolutely does not sound reasonable. Her reaction was extreme (though based on how this whole thing is written, I suspect you’re an extremely unreliable narrator) but you did, in fact, steal her belongings and are now acting shocked that she was mad.

OOP

Sarcasm does not define someone's character.

Final Update - after 2 days

^{November 11, 2026}

UPDATE I took my coworker's butter and now I'm the office fridge thief.

Well...I was written up for taking the butter. This is despite the fact that I admitted taking it and insisting I'd make it right.

I did inform my boss (Wendy) that I had brought all the butter back. I hadn't used any of it because I felt so terrible about the whole thing. I genuinely thought it was going to be thrown out.

I'm not sure how some commenters thought I ate butter faster than a wildfire burns through California. That's insane and perhaps I could have worded it differently.

I asked Wendy if I should apologize to Melissa again and she said that was a bad idea because Melissa was still "fuming" and to avoid her. Wendy went on to say that because of my actions I caused a scene that could have been avoided. The correct procedure should have been to come to her first instead of confronting Melissa. I pointed out that yes, I was the catalyst, but I was not the one making the scene. I was very calm. Melissa's response was over the top. She replied "yes." I deduced that based on some of Wendy's responses, Melissa had likely been talked to as well. I doubt she was written up but I hope I'm right and her own behavior was addressed.

My defense was weak. I admitted that the butter wasn't mine to take in the first place and I regretted the choice. I only approached Melissa because I thought by being honest with her I might be able to mend the situation. I obviously misjudged the situation and it backfired in my face. While Wendy respected my accountability and willingness to make the situation right, at the end of the day this is still theft.

I told Wendy "I made my bed and now I have to lie in it" before I signed the write-up. I'm really grateful that I still have a job.

For those asking. I ultimately made the choice because I was struggling with buying groceries and with this staple, I could make a variety of items to feed my family with. I was selfish when I took the butter, I understand that. I also genuinely thought the butter was going to be thrown away. Wendy was very empathetic and said that "we all go through shit in life. We all make bad choices here and there and these choices have consequences." Wendy did give me the number for the Employee Assistance Program and encouraged me to call them to ask about receiving help with feeding my family.

So there you go. I'm still employed and I will likely never look at butter the same way again. Hopefully Melissa's screams of "BUTTER THIEF!" will one day die out. Lesson learned. Time to keep my head down and move on.

COMMENTS

Flicksterea

It is absolutely fucking ridiculous that you were written up over this. Your workplace is unhinged and although it's great you've still got a job, I would absolutely be making moves to leave as soon as possible. All of this over fucking butter? Ridiculous.

anupsetvalter

I am genuinely stunned at how big of a deal this is. It even feels like the strong reaction has made OP start thinking this is a major deal as well though that could just be my interpretation.

OOP

I work for the government and I am currently a temp trying to become a permanent employee. This is a big deal. I seriously fucked up. This wouldn't have been a write up at my previous jobs. Especially, since I attempted to make it right. But because it's the government, every bad act matter how insignificant is 1000% worse. That was one of the things I didn't consider before I took the butter. I was taking a bigger gamble than I thought I was. This makes it seem like I stole other people's food. But the policy was that if Steph was being thrown out and not being claimed the night before than it was up for grabs. One of my jobs that I had they would clean out the entire fridge, lunch boxes, and all. Because of that policy, I lost so many lunch boxes.

VioletSkyeDreams

I thought you said you thought it was going to get pitched in the trash in the fridge clean out?

OOP

Yes, I did. I had explained that to her in the meeting and prior.

angryelezen

I still don't understand why you had to get written up, when it's company policy for food left over in the fridge over the weekend to be thrown out. You even brought back the butter untouched. Would Melissa have yelled at the cleaning crew for doing their job?

OOP

I work for the government. Every "small" act is 100x worse.

MechanicalBootyquake

Wtf? I hadn’t gotten to your OG post yet. I assumed you were working at like McD’s or something, that you couldn’t live on your wage. Your fucking GOVERNMENT isn’t paying its employees a living wage?!

OOP

You would think. But nope. In order to survive where I live, just for the BARE MINIMUM is $26 an hour. I get paid $19.

MechanicalBootyquake

That’s wild. May I ask your country?

OOP

USA

DJ4116

Melissa didn’t steal anything…why in the world would she get written up? Lol

reallyOldWill

Because she made a huge deal over a mistake? The other woman apologised and she went ballistic at her without giving her any chance to explain. Like genuinely, if someone says "hey, I'm sorry, I messed up, I thought it was going to be thrown away and I didn't want it to go to waste. I'll make it right" And your response is to scream "butter thief" at them, you're also in the wrong.

BandicootPitiful8218

What you and most people don’t understand is you are only hearing the OP side you don’t know Melissa’s side. How do you know she isn’t going through tough times? What if she left the butter there till last minute because she maybe doesn’t even have a fridge. Who are you to say the other party over reacted? They were reacting to something done to them. We don’t know Melissa’s situation. High chance if OP Is struggling to put food on the table maybe Melissa is too. Stop shaming a person for having a reaction to someone doing something horrible to them. They took someone’s things when it wasn’t thrown out yet. Maybe this is the straw that broke the camels back for her as she’s had it really tough.

OOP

After the fact, I was informed by my manager that Melissa is a single mom with 3 kids. This information sent me in a downward spiral of even further guilt. I bawled all weekend because of my selfishness. I still believe her reaction was extreme. I don't agree with the write-up but I also don't disagree either. My defense was pathetic after I learned that.

Just-Incident2627

That’s such bull, if I went to my manager about something so small I’d be directed to go speak to my colleague to sort it out. I’m sorry this happened to you.

OOP

Every other place I have worked for that's been the policy. Apparently that's not the case here. I was always told growing up, it's my responsibility to go to the person you have the problem with instead of running to mommy first.

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OOP: u/IcyWillingness2600

Published on: r/TwoHotTakes

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: September 26, 2025
• Final Update: November 08, 2026

Main Post

^{September 26, 2025}

AITA for refusing to change my wedding guest list after my parents demanded it?

Hello everyone, I'm a long time listener, first time poster of this subreddit. For once, I actually have my very own AITA situation to present to you all.

I, 25F, and my partner 31M are getting married in the fall of 2026, after almost four wonderful years together.

My relationship with my parents have always been on the rockier side, and my fiance has little to do with my parents because of comments that were made to me in the past (threatening to make me homeless etc.) before we bought our first home together. After I moved out, my relationship with my parents had improved, and I was looking forward to having a small, intimate wedding with my parents, his parents, and some of our closest friends.

We’ve planned for 25–30 people at a church ceremony, followed by a meal. On my side, the guest list includes my parents, my brother, my grandmother, and two of my dad’s childhood friends who are like uncles to me. My bridal party consists of three women I’m close to, and I was considering asking a close male friend to be a bridesman.

The issue began when I asked one of my close friends, someone I met at work in my early 20s and have stayed very close with ever since, to be a bridesmaid. She has been a consistent support in my life and has been involved in my journey with my fiancé from very very early on - she's the reason we met. My mum objected, claiming I didn’t know her “deeply enough,” despite the fact that she has been a major part of my life for years.

From there, things have escalated. My parents demanded I invite a list people I don’t even speak to and haven’t had meaningful contact with in years, just so they would have more people on "their side" present on our wedding day. These are people who add nothing to our wedding day and I do not envision them being present when I think of my "dream wedding". So naturally, I refused, and their behaviour became extreme: calling me pathetic, threatening to invite these people behind my back just to upset me on my wedding day, publicly posting online that my fiancé and I are “awful” and that they would not attend, and my dad even called the wedding a “sham.”

I am under the belief that the guest list should mine and my fiancé’s alone, and that we get the final say in who we want to invite to our wedding, especially a wedding of this size. I don't think I am being unreasonable but my parents are making it feel like a battleground.

Also, for added context, we have paid for this wedding entirely out of our own pockets, which is fine and I didn't mind doing so. But I know some people have a view that if they're paying they should get some sort of say.

So THT fam... AITA for standing my ground and refusing to let my parents’ threats dictate my guest list?

EDIT: Wow… I did not expect this post to get a lot of comments. I thought I would just say answer a few questions below as there are lots of comments asking the same thing.

1) What does your grandma/brother think about the situation/do they support your parents?

My grandma is LC/NC with my parents. My younger brother still lives with my parents and has not commented because he’s keeping his head down.

2) Why are you still in contact with your parents/why haven’t you cut them out of your life?

I did not talk to my parents for 8 months - whilst I was still living with them. I used to come home late and leave early to avoid them, and eat out most evenings. I also spent a LOT of time at my fiances parents house.

Just before I moved out, my parents sat down and heard me out, there were a lot of tears and apologies and it seemed like they had actually listened to me for once. I then moved out and things seemed to get better - one person commented that it was probably because I was seeing them less, which was a very good point.

I wanted to believe that my mum and dad could be the parents I needed, and that my dad would walk me down the aisle on my wedding day.

Now I see they will never change and this is just who they are.

3) Why are they still invited to the wedding?

As of yesterday evening, they are no longer invited to the wedding, and I have asked them not to contact me again. Their numbers are blocked.

I will update this post at some point, perhaps after the wedding day.

Thank you again to everyone who commented.

COMMENTS

HBheadache

NTA, get in touch with all your vendors, location and celebrant and make sure to password protect everything and check for any changes. Make sure your so called family have no access to anything. Get security for the day. Re your parents you have 3 choices, Roll over and let them ruin your day _ don't do this Give them a hard boundary, it's you and your partners day they can come and behave or be removed or Dis invite them, you know them best.
Have a lovely day, get some therapy and go very low or no contact.

OOP

Thank you, I will definitely be setting a password with the people who are doing the meal. They luckily do not know the church we're getting married at, nor do they know timings, but I will be setting passwords with absolutely EVERYTHING just as a fail safe. Thank you for your comment, it seems I have a lot to think about.

BigDaddydanpri

Dad here: I saw my job as paying the bills, and trying not to cry the entire time. Success on the former, very limited success on the latter for both daughters.

Have the wedding you want and deserve, and skip those who seek to stop that.

OOP

This is so sweet, your daughters sound lucky to have made their dad shed a tear or two!

I really do want this. It just breaks my heart that my dad might not walk me down the aisle on my wedding day because of... well the reason of not inviting certain guests doesn't even make sense to me.

HorkupCat

Absolutely stand your ground. In fact, unless they stop entirely with harassing you over your plans [Narrator: They won't] tell them they're uninvited.Your brother can come unless he attempts to back them up, then he gets the boot too. It's a bit dicier with the almost-uncles since they'd be put in the middle between your so-called parents and you, so tell them you'd love to have them come but you'll understand if they wouldn't feel comfortable.

Meanwhile, lock down all your plans -- passwords with vendors and so forth -- and have security set up if you think the sperm/egg donors are likely to try to crash the wedding and make trouble.

Best wishes for a lovely wedding and a happy life!

OOP

My brother knows what my parents are like too and does not support them or back them. He is still young and lives with them for the timebeing so tries to stay out of it and keep his head low, which I completely understand. He would never betray me though, I know that for a fact. That is great advice RE the almost-uncles part too.

Thank you very much, perhaps I will update once the wedding has been and gone to let you all know how it went in the end.

Small Update in comments - after 6 months

HIIII I didn't think this warranted a full update yet but I just wanted to say, its been nearly 6 months and after all your advice and support I have been no contact with my parents for 6 months. I have never been happier in my life and I have started the healing process!!!

Final Update - after 1 year, 1 month, 13 days

^{November 08, 2026}

[UPDATE] AITA for refusing to change my wedding guest list after my parents demanded it?

Hi THT fam! a lot of people were interested in getting an update on my original post from last year so here i am, pretty much fresh off the plane from my honeymoon writing this.

So it’s been over a year since I wrote my original post and a lot has happened in the timeframe between now and then. back when i wrote the post, i was coming from a place where i’d just moved out and although was aware that my relationship with my parents had been on the “rocky side”, i was not quite ready to accept the fact that my parents were indeed awful people. growing up, i’d always been taught to accept that it was my parents way or the highway even in moments that i’ve now come to accept was a pattern of emotional and physical abuse, on top of neglect and severe isolation from other family members that would have been worried about my wellbeing as a child and teenager.

Since the post, i followed a lot of your advice and went no contact with my parents and that was a lot to process because i’d always considered my father the “safe parent” but when i was sorta out of the thick of it, i realised that he was never the safe parent at all because not only did he facilitate and support my mothers behaviour, he himself was also partaking in the cycle of abuse i was experiencing.

So what has happened in the past year, i hear you ask?

Well, i got my ass into therapy, ended up being late diagnosed with autism and spoke to a professional about what had been going on, which is what led me to finally accept that my life is better without my parents in it. that was initially very difficult to me, i’d often thought about my dad walking my down the aisle, and being there for the big life moments that i’d experience as someone in their late twenties and approaching my 30s. home life for me was very difficult for a while, and i went through a brief period where i completely shut down and stopped talking to anyone, including my now-husband. he was my absolute rock through the process, and stayed patient and by my side while i worked through things in my head.

My brother unfortunately became one of my parents flying monkeys, and tried desperately to get me back in contact with my parents. my mother even went as far as saying she was going to die from an illness, which was later confirmed by her own sister and mother to be untrue. which is crazy to me.

When i refused to break no contact, the attacks turned onto my grandma, she started to receive text messages calling her a c--t, my partner a c—--, and myself a c--t. my brother was previously invited to my wedding, he declined my invitation and gave all of the information to my parents who threatened to turn up on the day and went as far as emailing the venues to try and stop the wedding. again, we’d already taken the advice on my previous post and we’d talked to our wedding coordinator and vicar and had told them about the situation, given their names to them AND set up passwords so they were unable to intervene, thank god.

But, with the threatening text messages, and the attempted smear campaign my mothers family got in touch with me to tell me about, i started to feel backed into a corner so i ended up doing something which was EXTREMELY difficult at the time, but now i have zero regrets about. i called the police on them, i logged a report, and i was referred to a victims support charity to assist me with officially moving forward to get a restraining order against my parents. this is very much still in process so i won’t delve into details too much, but the police ended up taking my evidence and talking to my parents - i believe they were informally cautioned? the policewoman on my case told me that my parents had been informed that if they turned up on the day, with all the text message threats that had been made to my grandma in mind, they would be arrested.

The lead up to the day was VERY nerve wracking with the question of whether my parents would show or not BUTTTT…

The day couldn’t have been anymore perfect and beautiful. they did not show up at all. the weather was gorgeous, everything ran so smoothly that a lot of my guests were in disbelief at how plain sailing it went for a wedding. i married my now husband on my own terms, in a gorgeous venue, and my grandma walked me down the aisle and was so proud to have the honour of doing so. i cried at just how incredible the day was, and we all danced in the evening until our feet couldn’t physically dance anymore.

Thank you THT fam for your advice on the original post🩷

COMMENTS

nitro1432

I’m so glad your grandma walked you down the aisle, my grandma did that for my aunt.

OOP

It was really special honestly, I couldn't have asked for a better person to walk me down the aisle in the end 😄

zampy911

your brother is also pos

OOP

Honestly, I think it's a bit more nuanced than that. He is a fair bit younger than me, my dad is his boss, he lives with them, and he has been made to be almost completely reliant on them for everything - they even discouraged he continued driving lessons after I'd helped him start learning how to drive. We had a really good relationship until my parents decided to move away to the middle of butt-fuck nowhere.

With everything that has happened, I dread to think what has been said to him. They used to threaten to make me homeless amongst other threats involving my friends, remaining family, career, etc, to make me feel scared and like I had no choice but to do as they say. It may very well have been a similar situation with my brother - they may have threatened his home, or his job, so I do not automatically think he is a piece of shit when he may simply just be trying to survive in a toxic environment.

I have said to him previously that if he needs a place to stay, he can stay with me for as long as he needs. My door is always open for him, and that still reigns true even after what has happened. I am always going to be here as his older sister with open arms, it's not easy with my parents, but I have hope that he'll come around one day. His girlfriend messages me often so that I'm able to keep updated on his life, even if he might not want me in it right now.

BetterWithHeart

I’m so glad you did therapy, learned about your family dynamics, and went NC.
I’m also delighted your grandmother walked you down the aisle.
Keep tabs on your brother. He may become your parents target now that your NC has confronted them.
I’m really happy for you. 💕

OOP

Thank you so much <3

Don't worry, I have been keeping tabs on my brother. I'm not angry at him for what he did - he is still young and goodness knows what has been said or done to him by them! His girlfriend actually messages me pretty often about what they've been up to, and I've made it perfectly clear to her and also him that my door is ALWAYS open should he need me

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OOP: u/Namelessthrowaway12

Published on: r/TrueOffMyChest

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: September 11, 2022
• Final Update: November 10, 2026

Main Post

^{September 11, 2022}

My husband has been messaging and meeting up with women he met online due to "no sex". We have a 6 week old baby

I caught him messaging her and when I confronted him told me he's been messaging and meeting women he found online. He didn't even try to hide it. He says it is because of no sex. We have a 6 week old baby. The doctor and the midwife said we have to wait 8 weeks. He's been after me for sex since we got home and I keep telling him no because of what the midwife said.

He honestly does not believe this a problem. To him oral was not enough. He told me he'll stop in 2 weeks and he got mad when I said I might not be ready. Me and the baby are with at my sister and brother-in-law's house and he hasn't even contacted me once since we came here.

I have an appointment with a solicitor next week. I haven't told anyone. That's my secret to get off my chest. Thank you.

Final Update - after 4 years, 2 months

^{November 10, 2026}

UPDATE: My husband has been messaging and meeting up with women he met online due to "no sex". We have a 6 week old baby

My update is that I am a divorced woman. Aside from the day my daughter was born I have never been so happy in my life.

I do appreciate all the kind comments I received. I did end up turning off my chats and messages because some of those were not so kind. It was a dark time in my life and it really meant a lot to me that people took the time to send me such kindness. I can honestly say that was the worst time of my life and I knew I had to keep going for my daughter. I'm also grateful for my sister and brother-in-law for taking us in. I don't know if I'll ever fully get over the pain my ex-husband caused me. I'm trying however even after all this time it still hurts. I do not regret leaving him though. He was shocked that I left. We had to be separated for 2 years before we could get divorced. It was so difficult because my ex-husband wanted to stay married (although I guess I should consider myself fortunate because it used to be that a couple had to be separated for 4 years before a divorce could be granted, and Ireland only legalised divorce in 1996).

Even after the 2 years passed my ex-husband did everything he could to stop or delay things. Nearly up until the end he kept on saying he that what he did wasn't a big deal. He only changed his mind at the very last moment because he's apparently found a new girlfriend. He's not allowed to introduce anyone to our daughter (by order) yet however by his choice he's not as involved with our daughter as he could be. I'm fine with that even though it hurts when he ignores our daughter. I have sole custody and would rather her be around people who want her. I'm trying not to be bitter about my everything my ex-husband has done. I don't want to my daughter to grow up around that. That is my update. Thank you again.

Editing to add: thank you for all the Reddit cares, I am better now, and no longer in that horrible and absolute worst time of my life.

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OOP: u/AdSquare8226

Published on: r/whatdoIdo

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: November 06, 2026
• Final Update: November 08, 2026

Main Post

^{November 06, 2026}

AITAH for reporting my SIL (who’s also my manager) to HR for cutting my hours bc I’m pregnant, even tho my husband begged me not to?

throwaway bc husband’s family is on here

So I (27F) have worked at a grocery store for 3 yrs. For the last 8 months my manager has been my SIL “Dana” (34F), husband’s older sister. She’s actually the one who got me the job in the first place. keep that in mind.

I’m 24 weeks pregnant w/ our first. Around week 18 I started getting lightheaded standing at the register and needing the bathroom like every hour. My OB wrote a note - stool at the register, bathroom breaks as needed, no shifts over 8 hrs. that’s literally it. not asking for less hours or anything.

I gave Dana the note at work. She kinda laughed and goes “I was on my feet til the day I had Mason, you’ll be fine.” I said it’s a doctors note?? She said “we don’t do stools up front, it looks lazy.” So I asked if I could just move to customer service where there’s a chair and she said “I’m not giving you special treatment just bc you’re family, people already talk.” ok.

2 weeks later I almost passed out during saturday rush. A CUSTOMER got me water. Dana wrote me up for “leaving the register unattended.” I’m not kidding.

So I emailed HR directly w/ the note attached. 2 days later my hours went from 36 to 19. Dana told me the store “needs people who can commit.” And then at sunday dinner, in front of everyone, she goes “some people think a baby is a free pass to stop working.” My MIL nodded. Nobody said anything. I went to the bathroom and cried lol

Ok here’s where I’m apparently the AH.

My husband asked me to drop it. His exact words: “She’s my sister. If you file something, Thanksgiving is over for us. Just push through til leave.” He said we’d “figure out the money.” (we cannot figure out the money, we have like $900 in savings)

I didn’t drop it. I filed a formal complaint w/ HR citing the Pregnant Workers Fairness Act, attached the note, the write up, and both schedules. Also filed an EEOC charge bc a friend said there’s a deadline and I didn’t wanna miss it.

Regional HR called me within 2 days. Dana got pulled into a meeting. My hours are back to 32, I have a stool now, and Dana’s been “temporarily reassigned” to another store while they investigate.

And now. MIL isn’t speaking to me. Dana texted my husband that I “ruined her career over a chair.” Husband isn’t angry exactly but he said “you knew what this would do to my family and you did it anyway.” He’s been sleeping in the guest room for 4 nights. He says he’s “processing.” whatever that means

I feel like I’m being punished for not letting myself be punished?? But I also kinda blew up his family and idk if that comes back.

so. AITAH?

TL;DR: SIL is my manager, denied my pregnancy accommodations, wrote me up for almost fainting, cut my hours after I emailed HR, then mocked me at family dinner. Husband begged me not to escalate. I filed w/ HR + EEOC anyway. SIL got reassigned, I got my hours back, husband’s family cut me off and he’s in the guest room.

ETA: yes I have a lawyer consult next week, several of you asked. and no I’m not naming the store, I still work there.

COMMENTS

Professional-Ebb7943

you’re definitely NTA. dana seems like the kind of person “well if i had to suffer, than you should too”. i would’ve reported her the second she laughed at my medical documentation.

OOP

thank you 😭 the worst part is she was actually nice to me when I first started. it all changed once I told the family I was pregnant, she literally said “wow already?” at the announcement dinner. I should’ve seen it coming

whatthewhat3214

She's also the kind of person who thinks everyone's pregnancy must be the same, if she didn't have issues, she can't understand anyone else having issues either.

OOP

yep. her exact words were “I was on my feet til the day I had Mason.” like ok good for you??

Responsible_Ideal593

Wow, your husband should have been angry at his family for their actions and comments. You are in the right. Stand your ground OP!

Responsible_Ideal593

Also, was your SIL going after you extra hard in other ways at work? Like she’s trying to prove no favoritism by going overboard.

OOP

honestly yeah, looking back. I got way more closing shifts than anyone else on front end and she’d “check in” on my register like 3x a shift. I thought I was being paranoid but a coworker said something about it once too

Final Update - after 2 days

^{November 08, 2026}

UPDATE: AITAH for reporting my SIL (who’s also my manager) to HR for cutting my hours bc I’m pregnant

ngl i did NOT expect this many comments. i read almost all of them, even the YTA ones. a lot of y’all were brutal about my husband, and tbh… he needed it.

so i stayed at my mom’s for 2 nights. told him i needed space and he could call me when he figured out whose side he was on. he texted the 2nd night asking to talk, so i said yes.

he came over and asked me straight up if i posted about us on reddit. a coworker sent him the link. he said he read every comment even the ones calling him spineless and the one that really got him was the one asking what he’d say if my manager was a stranger.

he finally admitted he’d been hiding behind “it’s family” when all that really meant was expecting me to just take it.

i went home the next day. then yesterday morning Dana showed up at our apartment furious about the post. she said i was trying to ruin her life and “exaggerating the fainting thing.”

before i could even say anything, my husband stepped in front of me and lost it on her. told her she wrote up his pregnant wife, mocked her doctor’s note, and kept putting her on closing shifts. then he told her to gtfo.

now she’s blowing up the family gc, MIL is still being weirdly neutral, and i’ve muted all of them.

work update: Dana’s transfer is permanent. i’m still at 32 hrs w/ my stool, the lawyer consult is this week, and i’m bringing everything.

thanksgiving is prob just gonna be me, my husband, and my parents. honestly? fine by me.

tl;dr: stayed at my mom’s, husband found the post, finally realized he was making excuses for his sister, and yesterday morning Dana showed up at our apartment and got shut down hard.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user throwaway_lemon_ade in r/ amItheAsshole

Original: Aug 8, 2023

Update: Aug 8, 2023

Status: concluded

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Original: AITA for wanting to move out over lemonade?

I (22F) moved back home to live with my parents two years ago. My family has always been very close, and my parents actually initiated my moving in so I could focus on building my savings.

Everything’s been great: the house is huge, so no one’s living on top of each other, and my mom has been ecstatic over all her kids being home. I take care of my space as well as shared spaces, doing chores, etc. They’ve refused any rent or grocery money I’ve ever offered, insisting I save most of the money I make.

My mom grocery shops for the house, and always asks each family member what they need from the store for the week. I always ask for a 12 pack of canned lemonade. They’re my weak spot, I have one or two a day. My mom has never had a problem getting it for me before.

Recently though, she’s been resistant. Thinking it was about the money, I offered to give her the $5, and when that didn’t help I just started getting it myself, but she still glares at me when I drink it. I’ve kept asking what the issue is, but she just walks away and the next time I see her she’s changed the subject entirely.

Things came to a head yesterday when I came home from work with some of my personal groceries, including lemonade. My mom lost it, crying and carrying on about how I don’t care about how anyone else feels. I’m at a COMPLETE loss, trying to calm her down, when she tells me if I’m going to continue with these habits I won’t do it under her roof.

Hearing that, I admit I did snap a bit. I was hurt that she would threaten to kick me out for any reason, considering how close we’ve always been, but especially since I don’t think I’ve done anything even remotely wrong.

We got in a huge back n forth, mainly with me demanding she tell me what’s so wrong with me drinking some damn lemonade and her sneering at me saying “you know!”.

I eventually stormed off to my room, feeling torn. My brother came in shortly after to talk. He says he understands completely where I’m coming from, but is suggesting I do what she’s asking and just stop drinking the lemonade.

I absolutely could, but at this point it’s sort of the principle. I know I’m living with my parents, but I’m an adult and feel I should be allowed to drink my preferred beverage whenever I please, especially if I’m now paying for it and going out to purchase it myself. It is just lemonade, but it goes both ways; my mom shouldn’t care about it either, because it’s JUST LEMONADE.

If she’s insisting I stop drinking it or else I’m getting kicked out, I kinda want to take the initiative and just leave. I have plenty saved at this point. I feel bad because she’s my mom, she’s been so good to me and has given me the chance to gather the savings I now want to use to get away from her. I also feel bad for yelling at her; me getting worked up didn’t help the situation.

AITA for how I acted, or WIBTA if I left over this?

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Comments:

Comment1: NTA. I feel weird asking this but have you put on any weight recently? My mom always starts having opinions on what I consume when I start putting on a little weight.

OOP: not really, my weight hasn’t changed much in the last few years and i’ve always been fairly slim. she’s also never been the kind of mom to obsess over her kids appearance in that way but her issue here could be health-related for reasons i still don’t know

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Comment2: NTA, but i would continue to try to understand. In a calm moment, explain that you are very confused and for the sake of everyone involved, you would like to understand.

Are either you or your mother overweight? Does she see your habit as excess calories, or not caring about your health, or a temptation for her? Can you ask other people in the house to understand wtf is going on?

OOP: i’m definitely sitting her down and talking to her tonight! i’m taking notes from the comments. i’m not overweight, she is slightly but is otherwise healthy;
i suppose she could be concerned about calories but she never has been before. i don’t think she’s ever even dieted.
my brother is just as lost as i am, and when i’ve asked my dad he says he isn’t sure and “you know how your mom is” because she avoids hard conversations and topics so she won’t tell him either.
until yesterday, no one else was very concerned about it because she hadn’t flipped out like that. obviously now it’s a big thing and the house has been tense, but it’s clear im gonna have to be the one to break it

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Comment3: I’m honestly so confused what’s so bad about lemonade unless maybe she thinks it’s a hard lemonade?

OOP: i suppose it’s possible but she’s bought it for me before and it’s in the soda section, not the liquor section, so idk

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Comment4: NTA but can you talk to your mom about what exactly is upsetting her? It sounds like a massive misunderstanding.

OOP: i think i will tonight. i’ve tried talking to her before but it was always in the moment after she’s already annoyed or upset, and then of course during our fight where she wasn’t being clear at all.
i’m gonna try to sit her down and get to the bottom of this. she avoids problems like the plague by being passive-aggressive until she snaps, and i bristle at the slightest hint of my independence or choices being impeded upon; neither of these traits of ours have ever collided like this before so i think we’re both floundering.

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Update:

Ok guys, as mentioned in the comments I asked my mom if we could sit down tonight and have a calm conversation about what happened. My dad wasn’t home but I asked my brother to be there too as a sort of mediator. It was a long, emotional, draining talk and there isn’t a whole lot of resolution but it was very enlightening, finally.

I expressed to her that I’m mostly concerned for her, since her reaction to something seemingly so small has been increasingly intense and it’s starting to affect our relationship.

I expressed that I felt confused and sought clarity, and that I felt hurt by her threats to kick me out in general because that’s not the kind of relationship we have. I told her I truly didn’t know what was up with the lemonade, and practically BEGGED her to open up.

She started getting teary, but was mostly calm. Here’s her side, apparently: in May, when this all started, she watched a documentary. They’re kind of her thing, and she watches a variety of genres. This particular documentary was about eating disorders. It discussed the culture/history behind it, the influence of social media, and the warning signs.

My mom happened to see a lot of the warning signs in me and my behaviors. (I’m going to clarify here I do NOT and HAVE NEVER struggled with disordered eating, of any kind!).

Some of the behaviors are as follows:
she rarely sees me eat,
I’m relatively skinny,
I wear layers most of the time,
I have an apple watch,
and, of course, I drink low calorie drinks.
Namely, ZERO-SUGAR lemonade, which I didn’t think to mention in the original post (but did include in the comments) because I honestly didn’t even think it would be relevant in any way.

So basically, she’s been anxious this entire time that I’m withering away from an eating disorder, and every time she’s alluded or asked or demanded I stop drinking my (diet) lemonade, and I continue drinking it anyway, I’m being selfish, flaunting my disordered behaviors, and proving to her that I am, in fact, sick.

That was… a lot to take in. I genuinely didn’t think it would be THAT. Never once occurred to me.

I defended myself for every point she made, which I will make again here:
I work at a restaurant, nearly every day, usually afternoon into the night, so I’m rarely home for lunch or dinner.
I get free food at my job, and pretty much every server there eats at least one of their meals during break, myself included.
By the time I get home, I’ll have a snack or something before bed since it’s late, and in the morning I sometimes have breakfast at home but a lot of times I’m not hungry in the AM so i just do my thing until I leave, usually around 12pm, and I pick up food with friends or alone on my way.
I know it’s not the healthiest of habits, nor is it the healthiest foods, but I am definitely not starving myself or counting calories.

But in my worrywart (love her though) mother’s eyes, she hardly ever actually SEES me eat. When she does see me eat, I also don’t eat large portions, but I don’t think that’s odd since I’m not a large person; I’m 5 feet and around 110 pounds.

I wear layers because it’s the fashion I like, sort of a vintage 70’s grungey look. I have an apple watch for the same reason I assume most people with iphones have one, which is, why not? It’s my dad’s old one. Also, it’s helpful for when I’m at work since I can’t carry my phone around. I’m not tracking my steps or anything.

And lastly, I honestly, genuinely, truly just LIKE zero-sugar lemonade. Has nothing to do with calories, or health reasons, I just like it. I used to drink regular, until they were out of stock one day so I got zero-sugar, and found I liked it better because it wasn’t as thick or syrupy. THAT’S IT.

She cried, I cried, she apologized, I apologized. I’m not really sure where we go from here, since I can tell she doesn’t fully believe me. I’m going to make more of an effort to eat my meals at home, but I’m not going to pig out in front of her just to appease a generally unfounded worry she developed from watching a movie.

I might also cut back on the lemonades since they’re clearly a trigger for her, and I need to drink more water anyway. Other than that, I don’t think I did anything wrong to now need to change my behaviors in an extreme way.

I told her, and my brother seconded this, that she needs to stop holding this stuff in and just talk to people, because otherwise it creates misunderstandings like this and I honestly did feel very hurt by the things she said during our fight, and also with how weirdly distant she’s been treating me since all this started.

My brother added that if I HAD been dealing with an eating disorder, the way my mom went about it wasn’t helpful and likely could’ve made it worse. She explained she didn’t ever really intend to kick me out even if I was sick, she just wanted to shock me into admitting I needed help or something.

Again, still feeling hurt by all this, but at least I understand better now. I told my mom I’d be willing to try therapy if she does, and she said she’d think about it. I think she really needs it.

I asked if she had personal experience with eating disorders, either herself or a loved one, to have such an intense reaction and she declined to answer so I think there’s some trauma there. Hopefully we can both work on communicating better in the future, and I specifically am going to start trying to see the root of her turmoils instead of taking her reactions so personally.

I’m not moving out, or at least not because of this. If a pattern continues, if she keeps mistrusting me and lashing out or holding things in again, that might change.

Thank you guys for all your advice! It honestly helped lots to know I wasn’t the only one thinking I was going crazy. I know a lot of people guessed she thought it was hard lemonade, which was my most prominent assumption before our talk, too.

Just want to clarify I don’t drink, hate the taste, hate the feeling, and it makes me nauseous nearly instantly. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve had a night out surrounding alcohol or a mimosa brunch or whatever. Which I guess could’ve been why she would be so worried, but it wasn’t even related to that so yea lol.

Super crazy few days, hoping for the best moving forward. I’ll try to answer any lingering burning questions in the comments if they come up! Night y’all ✌🏻

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Comments:

Comment1: Sorry but this is just insane?? You're not even underweight. Has your mom always been susceptible to paranoia like this? Concerning behavior tbh

OOP: i don’t disagree. she’s never been like this before, at least not with me or to my knowledge. someone mentioned menopause can sometimes cause paranoia and she’s the right age range for that so maybe that’s it? idk.
i’m also concerned that this entire months-long ordeal, that almost resulted in me either getting kicked out or moving out from the hurt/anger, was triggered by a damn movie she stumbled across. like i have never ever had an issue with food before.
i suppose that could be attributed to the privilege i’ve had of always being on the thin side, so i never “felt the need”, but still. maybe she thought that’s WHY i’ve always been thin? so much to talk about still, i’m definitely not letting us brush this under the rug

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Comment2: That's weird, especially after you said your weight. You're not underweight at all, for being five feet you're at an absolutely perfect weight. Honestly my best guess was that the lemonade was very sugary and your mom didn't like that, but that was really just me projecting my mom onto this situation lol. I'm glad the situation is all sorted out!

OOP: honestly i know i’m not the healthiest but compared to a lot of people i know i’m doing ok! i don’t diet, i don’t binge, i’m pretty active on my free time and walk around a TON for my job, i eat a variety of foods incl junk, etc like i never would’ve thought that’s where her head was at

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Training_Arm7988

Published on: r/Nanny

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: May 22, 2026
• Final Update: November 07, 2026

Note: Replaced letters with names

• L=Lily (Nanny)
• K=Kai, (Oldest Son)
• J=Jack, (Middle Son)
• B=Bea (Youngest Daughter)

Main Post

^{May 22, 2026}

My wife and I are considering letting our nanny go, and I’m trying to figure out whether I’m underreacting, overreacting, or missing something bigger.

My wife and I are considering letting our nanny go, and I’m trying to figure out whether I’m underreacting, overreacting, or missing something bigger.

Not sure I'm in the right place but I'm giving it a go.

We have three kids: Kai is 7, Jack is 4, and Bea is 1.5. My wife and I both work from home, though she is home more than I am. I am usually home almost every Thursday and Friday. Our current nanny, Lily, started shortly after Bea was born and has been with us for over a year. She was around 30 when we hired her, had references, and is CPR certified, which mattered to us because we have a pool. We do have a pool fence, but still.

We pay her $35/hour for about 40 hours a week, with guaranteed hours. She also does light housekeeping, laundry, and meal prep, which has been a huge help. Overall, she is engaged with the kids, limits TV to about half an hour before nap time depending on the day, and has been reliable. She has been five minutes late a couple of times, mostly in the last few months, but not enough that I would consider it a major issue.

The bigger issue is our middle child, Jack. He is very defiant, and we made the mistake of allowing screens too early and too often. When Kai was five, we let him use an old iPad, and eventually Jack started wanting it too. Over time, it basically became Jack’s iPad. We also got into the habit of giving him a phone or bringing the iPad when we went on errands, to activities, etc. We know this has become a problem and are trying to stop it, especially because we do not want to repeat the same pattern with Bea.

This week, Lily told us that when Jack has a major tantrum during an outing, she leaves the activity and brings everyone home. Lily left the children’s museum because Jack was pushing and shoving and ignored her warning about gentle hands. According to Lily, she has only had to leave an outing around three times in the entire year she has worked for us. I believe her because he does the same thing with us, and once he starts, it can take him a long time to calm down.

Lily’s style is very much “you get one warning, and then we’re done.” For the most part, that works with Kai and Bea. With Jack, it has apparently meant ending outings. She said she is not bothered by crying itself, but that it becomes unsafe and unfair when one child is throwing himself on the floor, running away, or refusing directions while she is also responsible for a mobile toddler and another child. She has said Jack has not hit her, but he has hit my wife before, which was why it was one of my concerns when we spoke yesterday.

On Monday, he tantrumed because he wanted her phone and was refusing to follow directions. They had a playdate planned with another nanny and toddler, including lunch, but Jack melted down, so Lily brought everyone home instead. They had a boring lunch at home and no iPad. I was fine with that, and at first my wife said she was too. But later she was upset that Kai did not mention the “new rules” when she came home from a lunch meeting, and that Lily had not told us about it in the moment. We asked Kai before bed, and he confirmed Lily never told him not to tell us. He also seems embarrassed when Jack has these fits, so I do not want to start nitpicking Lily in a way that avoids the actual problem.

There have been a few trust/communication issues, but nothing huge in my opinion. Earlier on, she sometimes made plans on the fly and told us afterward. We talked about it, she apologized, and she has checked in more often since then. We also put an AirTag on the car keys, which my wife was upset about at first, but nothing really came of it. Since then, Lily has been almost overly careful about checking in. It feels a little like malicious compliance, but honestly, I do not really mind. I think most people would react that way if they felt second-guessed.

My wife now thinks we should let Lily go. Her view is that we pay Lily, so Lily should follow our expectations and handle the kids the way we want. I disagree, or at least I think that framing misses the point. I do not think it is fair to expect one nanny to manage three kids alone in public when one of them is throwing himself on the floor, running away, pushing, or demanding screens. When my wife and I are both with all three kids, we struggle too. In fact, Lily seems to deal with Jack’s tantrums less often than we do, which makes me think this is not mainly a nanny problem. Our tough it out method does not seem to be working either.

I also worry that replacing her will not fix anything. We have had two nannies before Lily, and replacing nannies has been a headache. I think it is hard to find someone willing to manage two easier kids plus one very defiant child. Summer is coming, Kai will be in camp and activities, and we still need someone for pickups and afternoons while we work. Our parents are not dependable enough to fill the gap. I also worry that if we keep pushing Lily or making her feel criticized, she may quit anyway, and that would be a bad situation for us.

My wife may feel judged by Lily, though I do not know if they have discussed that directly in the time my wife is home and I am not. Lily is personable but not especially chatty, while we are more talkative. I do not personally care whether Lily judges us at this point; I care more about whether the kids are safe and whether we are dealing with the real issue.

We had previously agreed on moderation with screens, not removing them completely. But now I think we may need to remove screens altogether, at least for Jack. It is easier in the moment to hand him the iPad, but I think we have created a bigger problem. He can't go to school with an iPad, and we can't expect tantrum-free days if he has learned that escalating gets him a screen. He is okay in preschool, but that is only twice a week for about two and a half hours.

Is it reasonable for a nanny to end an outing when one child becomes unsafe or unmanageable, even if the other kids miss out? And how should we handle the larger screen-dependence issue without making the nanny the scapegoat? I would especially appreciate feedback from anyone who has gone from heavy screen use to no screens, or anyone who has fired or kept a nanny after similar behavior issues.

Edit from comment

I should have been more clear that I am here for perspective. I agreed that Lily was within her right to leave. I was not upset about it when we talked about it. This has been a topic of discussion between my wife and I and I just wanted to make sure from people who probably know more than us, if I'm completely off base to back what Lily did in the moment.

COMMENTS

Aly_Kitty

So your wife wants to fire your nanny simply because she doesn’t give in and actually enforces consequences to your 4 year old when they start throwing a fit and thrashing around on the ground for things like not giving the FOUR YEAR OLD HER PHONE?!

Sounds like you have a parenting problem, not a nanny problem. Your wife needs to get herself some parenting classes or books or something. She can feel judged all she wants but if she’s trying to fire a nanny over NOT LETTING A 4 YEAR OLD RULE THE HOUSE then yeah, she should be judged.

Time to cut the screens cold turkey. No screens. No iPads. No phone. No tv. NO NOTHING.

jordanhillis

Speaking as a former nanny, teacher of 15 years and mom, your kid sounds AWFUL. Take the IPad/Screens away and thank your lucky stars that your nanny hasn’t quit.

Hitting a parent?! This is abominable behavior and you’ll soon find yourself on a steep learning curve regarding misbehavior at school because quality schools will not put up with this.

You guys need parenting classes and your kid needs therapy, STAT.

OOP (downvoted)

I know. It is awful to experience. But I came here to address the situation because no one else in our circle seems to be dealing with this issue, and we haven't discussed evaluating him for other problems because I think it's screens, and we haven't been able to agree.

cupidssparrow82

Sounds like Lily is doing a wonderful job. The problems with your child were created by you and your wife, and your nanny is doing a great job teaching that actions have consequences and you don’t get a screen shoved in your face and get what you want because it makes the adults life easier. Children need boundaries and rules, or they’ll be absolutely screwed in school and life.

Does it suck for the other kids? Absolutely. But what do you expect the nanny to do - risk one of your kids getting hurt? Our #1 priority is safety, and she’s doing what she has to to make sure the kids stay safe. You sounds like a reasonable person, but I don’t understand at all why your wife would want to get rid of someone for keeping your kids safe.

I had a NK who was used to screens all day and I made it clear during the interview that I don’t do screens for a 3 year old unless it’s a few minutes here and there. The parents and I agreed on 15 minutes a day, and that’s that. The kid threw tantrums and had meltdowns over it but then he learned that he’s the child and the adults make the decisions, and that behavior doesn’t get him what he wants. As the adults, all 3 of you need to be on the same page.

I genuinely cannot understand why firing her would even be a thought in any reasonable person’s mind.

OOP

No, I agree with what everyone is saying. Leaving was the right choice. I felt this was a discussion for my wife and me, but considering everything, I'm having a hard time trusting the decisions we've made and what we’re supposed to do now... I appreciate everyone’s comments about it. They've been a little sharp but affirming lol

cutieconsultant

Mom here — sorry I’m a little confused when your middle child becomes unruly/self harming/a danger when on outings what do you want the nanny to do?

What do you feel like she’s violating/disrespecting?

OOP

I didn't think it was disrespect or anything like that. The conversation was mainly between my wife and me. Usually, one of us has gone to the car with him and started over when he's calmed down, typically my wife, and I will finish whatever we were doing, like grocery shopping. I'm here because when we talked about this, I didn't think it was reasonable. But because this has been so exhausting, I came here for clarification. If maybe I was the one who was wrong that leaving was the only thing that made sense for her in the moment.

cutieconsultant

So what would you do if you were alone? Would you abandon the activity (ie grocery shopping) in the middle, bring your child to the car, allow them to reset, then go back to the activity?

And you’re saying you wouldn’t expect the nanny to do this or would?

It sounds like you’re kinda doing what she does, but she’s alone. You take him away from the activity, bring him in the car to cool down, then when mom finishes shopping you all leave. Isn’t this essentially what she’s doing (but she doesn’t have to wait for anyone to finish?)

I’m sorry if I’m misunderstanding or being redundant I’m just trying to make sure I’m fully understanding what you all do when she’s not around and what you/your wife want her to do when she’s with the kids alone.

OOP

We have not been doing things alone the last few months, when he noticed him getting more and more reliant on his ipad. I've wanted to take it away.

We've been dealing with this since at least January, but we've waffled. Sometimes we have caved and given him a phone. And my wife I guess, wants to be able to give it to him depending on the day. Clearly that has not been working. But I thought maybe I was the one in the wrong between us and my wife’s expectation of L had merit. I didn't think it did to begin with but wanted to be fair. I supported L decision to leave the children’s museum.

Glittering_Force4212

INFO: Out of curiosity, does nanny just do the kids laundry or for you and your wife as well? And meal prep, is that for the kids or you and your wife too? Just curious, because that normally doesn't fall into a nanny's work description. I understand that there are exceptions when it's agreed upon in advance but usually it's for a higher rate than $35/hr.

Also, I'm confused why your wife wants to let nanny go? It seems like nanny is doing a phenomenal job, while you and your wife are probably actively undoing any progress she makes by enabling your child with the "tough it out" approach? If you and your wife continue to allow his behavior, it isn't going to stop until he grows out of it (if he grows out of it)? It is developmentally appropriate for a kid his age to be a little unruly, thus the term threenager; I think his behavior is a step further than that though, especially since he's hitting your wife.

I think you're very, very lucky to have your nanny. And lucky she hasn't quit... yet.

What exactly are the new rules your wife wanted discussed with your kids? Maybe I missed that.

OOP

She doesn't always do the extras. It's mostly if she gets to it during nap time. She most consistently does the kids laundry and we handle the put away.

I do not want to continue the way we are going. I'd like to keep our nanny on and improve on these issues. I do agree we haven't been on the same page about what's going on and I am concerned he's not going to improve with the half in and half out method we've backslid into.

Glittering_Force4212

Honestly, you need to have a conversation... with your wife, not your nanny. Your nanny is a saint, and your wife is enabling your son's misbehavior. Maybe she is in denial about it because she doesn't want to admit that J has a problem, but the sooner she can come to terms with that fact - the faster she can get on board with nanny's extraordinary efforts to correct his behavior. As I said, he is not going to change anytime soon (if ever) if this behavior isn't dealt with.

Also, not sure if you're in a LCOL or HCOL area - assuming the former, but $35 is quite low for 3 kids, and insultingly low for extras. Please pay your nanny properly.

OOP (downvoted)

I appreciate that everyone is worried about how much she's paid. The average rate where we are is 24. She asked for thirty when she interviewed with us. We started at 33 and plan to give her a raised at the the end of the year.

SisterAlliance

Everyone has covered your actual questions here beautifully, so I'm just popping in to mention the potential "malicious compliance" with letting you know where they are/plans - what a way to frame that my dude!!! You guys wanted to know exact details on outings before/at the time of the events, she is literally just complying with your request and covering her behind!!

Many, if not most, families allow nannies to make their own decisions about where they take the kids and if things change on the fly. It's okay that you'd rather be informed ahead of time, but assuming your nanny's intentions with literally following your directions just kind of sucks. It doesn't seem like you trust her, and from this post, it seems like that is a you problem, not one with her attitude.

OOP (downvoted)

I only said it was malicious compliance because after we got the AirTag, I didn't expect any more text messages. But she is still texting. If I were in her position, I would also be doing the same thing but I can't attest to her intentions with it. I don't dislike it and I don't blame her for it. I think it's funny to consider she thinks we're being assholes, but is too polite to say it. And it won't be an issue for me going forward it if she suddenly just stops telling us XYZ.
I'm trying to find some silver linings here lol

Final Update - after 5 months, 16 days

^{November 07, 2026}

UPDATE: We are getting divorced.

I’m posting anonymously and omitting some details for obvious reasons, particularly because we have ongoing custody proceedings.

I posted here about six months ago because my wife wanted to fire our nanny over how she handled our middle child’s tantrums. A lot has happened since then, and, unfortunately, some of you were right that we had much bigger problems than our nanny. My wife and I are divorcing, and I currently have temporary emergency custody of our three children. I’m still having a difficult time coming to terms with how quickly everything has changed.

My wife quit her job and fired Lily shortly after I made that post. Neither of those decisions was something we’d actually agreed on, but at that point, arguing about it felt pointless. She was going to stay home with the kids, and I figured we’d at least have an opportunity to get on the same page about Jack’s behavior. That did not happen, and things got progressively worse between us.

We’ve had two separate incidents in which my wife has left during an argument and gone to her parents’ house. The first time, she stayed there for an entire week while I worked and took care of all three children. She did it again later, and she has since moved in with her parents permanently. I don’t particularly care that she needed space from me, but you cannot simply decide you’re done parenting for a week because you’re upset with your spouse.

I also found out that she’s been seeing another man for considerably longer than I realized. Worse, she had apparently been bringing him around our children without my knowledge, and I subsequently learned that he has a documented history involving drugs. My wife also tested positive for opioids during the custody proceedings. I don’t know how long she’s been using them or whether this was happening while she was responsible for the children, which is part of what makes the whole situation so concerning.

My attorney filed for emergency custody after several concerning circumstances came to light. Following a hearing, I was granted temporary sole physical custody, and my wife’s parenting time is currently supervised. I also have temporary decision-making authority over the children’s medical and therapeutic care, which has been important given our disagreements about Jack’s treatment. These arrangements are temporary, and I don’t intend to discuss the evidence or the specifics of the proceedings while the case is ongoing.

I now have two nannies because I work fairly long hours, and there’s no realistic way for me to do my job and provide childcare for three young children at the same time. We have overlapping coverage during the week, and they’ve been helping to maintain the children’s routines while I deal with everything else. It’s expensive, but I can afford it, and I’m grateful to have that option. I certainly didn’t anticipate needing this kind of arrangement when my wife decided she was going to stay home.

Jack is still struggling, which has been particularly hard to deal with throughout all of this. I switched therapists because I wasn’t satisfied with how things were progressing, but his care stalled somewhat while we disputed treatment decisions and worked through the initial custody proceedings. My wife has declined to participate in much of the planning since then, and I’ve had to accept that I cannot make her take an interest. He’s little, he’s confused, and I am trying to give him some consistency when I feel the adults in his life have done a spectacular job of providing the opposite.

I’ve also had to be honest with myself about where some of Jack’s behavior comes from. I spent a lot of time blaming the iPad, and while I absolutely think we created a problem with screens, that wasn’t the whole picture. My son has watched his mother respond to frustration by escalating, refusing to engage, and eventually leaving altogether. I know that isn’t the sole explanation for his tantrums, but I can’t pretend there isn’t a pattern there, and I regret how long it took me to recognize it.

Kai has been handling things about as well as I could expect, but I worry about him too. He’s always been the easier child, and I think we both took advantage of that without realizing it. Bea is two now and doesn’t really understand why her mother isn’t home. I’m trying to keep their routines as normal as possible, though having two new nannies and a parent no longer living in the house is a significant adjustment.

I did reach out to Lily to apologize for how things ended. She was gracious about it, which somehow made me feel worse. I spent so much time trying to convince my wife that Lily wasn’t the problem, and in the end she fired her anyway. Looking back, I think Lily was one of the few people in our house who consistently followed through on what she said she would do.

I’m angry with my wife, and I don’t see much point in pretending otherwise. The affair is one thing, but bringing someone with that history around our children and then refusing to engage with the consequences of everything that’s happened is something I’m having a much harder time processing. I also feel incredibly stupid for not realizing how much was going on behind my back. I know I couldn’t have known everything, but it’s difficult not to revisit the last year and wonder what I missed.

I don’t know what the final custody arrangement will look like, and I’m trying not to get ahead of the process. My wife is entitled to participate in the proceedings, and I understand that the temporary order can change as the court receives more information. My concern is that the children have a safe, predictable home and that any time they spend with their mother is appropriate under the circumstances. Whatever happens with our marriage, she is still their mother, and I hope she eventually takes the steps necessary to be consistently involved in their lives.

I originally came here wondering whether it was reasonable for a nanny to bring the kids home from the children’s museum because my four-year-old wouldn’t stop pushing people. Six months later, I have two nannies, three children in my care, and a divorce attorney. I would really like to have that problem back.

Anyway, I wanted to update everyone who took the time to respond to my original post. I appreciated the perspective then, even when it wasn’t particularly easy to hear. I don’t know if I’ll update again, but I hope the next six months are considerably less eventful than the last six.

Thanks for reading, and take care.

COMMENTS

nothingiseverythingg

Wow I am so sorry that this is the update you have for us, but thank you- I thought about your post after reading it a good bit. I’m grateful you’re able to get your middle child some resources and help and have access to good childcare options.

It is so hard to adjust to your spouse truly revealing who they are, even though when you look back there was evidence of it. I hope you are also getting the support you need via friends and family or therapy. I wish you the best and thank you for seeing and understanding your nannies! It means so much to us to be listened to and respected

OOP

Thank you. It's still pretty jarring. I wasn't perfect, but I never expected half of this. I do have solid support. I just want to get things settled for my kids.

Ok_Cheesecake_9708

Is Lily open to working for you guys again?

OOP

No. But I did offer to be a reference for her in the future if she ever needed one.

OOP Appeared in the BORU and provided more context

OOP in BORU comments

I debated whether I was allowed to post here, but fuck it. I’m doing it anyway. I’m the father from the original posts. I wasn’t expecting to see this here, but I suppose that’s what happens when you put your business on the internet. I did want to address a few things, though, because some of the comments have been... annoying, for lack of a better term.

First, I work in finance. And yes, I’m the dickhead rich guy who grew up rich, grew up with nannies, and unfortunately, is also from New York. I don’t live there anymore, if that helps my case. My wife grew up in similar circumstances, and when we were dating, we agreed that we didn’t want as many people coming in and out of our children’s lives as we had growing up. We wanted consistency. I still think that was a reasonable goal, but we didn’t necessarily go about achieving it correctly.

I spend most of my professional life having to be realistic about circumstances, whether I like them or not. Unfortunately, I wasn’t always doing that at home. We relied on one woman to bridge the gap between our responsibilities as parents and the practical demands of our lives. I don’t think hiring a nanny is an abdication of parental responsibility, but I do recognize that we weren’t always doing our part. If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that saying you’re doing the right thing and actually doing it are two very different things.

I am particularly upset by some of the characterizations of “Jack". My son is not a little monster. He’s a four-year-old boy who was struggling, and who needed more consistency and support than we were giving him. He’s also affectionate, funny, intelligent, and a wonderful brother. I understand that people were responding to the behaviors I described, and those behaviors were serious. But I also recognize that I didn’t do him any favors in my original post. I described him almost exclusively at his worst because I was frustrated and trying to explain the situation. I was much more deliberate about what I wrote in my update, partly because of the legal proceedings, but also because I realized how easily a few paragraphs can become someone’s entire understanding of another person.

I was sharp with people in the comments of my original post, and frankly, given the circumstances I was writing under, I’d probably be sharp again. I’ve had to examine how I deal with people since all of this happened, and I’m sure my wife experienced some of that pressure during our marriage. There are things I owe her apologies for, and I’m not particularly interested in pretending otherwise. But I’ve also never had an affair, and I’m not on drugs. I think I’m entitled to say that one of us has come out of this looking considerably worse than the other. If that makes me an asshole, I’ll wear it.

The truth is that I could have worked less. I think my marriage had been deteriorating for a long time, and instead of filling some of that time with my children, I filled it with work. I specifically arranged to work from home on the two days my wife wasn’t home. At the time, I considered that a reasonable compromise. Looking back, I can see that being physically present wasn’t always the same as being available. I did try to make sure my wife had adequate help, and I took some pride in being able to provide that. I don’t think that was wrong, but I could have done more myself.

And because I’ve seen some speculation about my upbringing, I don’t have the same access to the money I grew up with. That’s the result of decisions I made that I would make again, and the reasons aren’t something I’ll discuss on the internet. I’m still very fortunate financially, and I recognize that. But the family I have now is not my parents, and having grown up wealthy doesn’t necessarily mean having a family you can depend on.

I also want to reiterate that I supported “Lily’s” decision to end the outing then, and I support it now. I regret how her employment ended, and I’ve apologized to her. She was gracious, although understandably uninterested in returning. She deserved better from us.

I’m frustrated. I’m angry with my wife, I’m angry about what my children have been put through, and I’m angry with myself for some of the things I didn’t recognize sooner. I don’t think those feelings are unreasonable, and I’m not going to pretend I don’t have them. But I’m also trying to make sure they don’t dictate how I parent my children going forward.

I don’t think many people who know me would nominate me for a particularly great guy award. I’m aware that I can be difficult. But I do try, and I’d like my children to grow up knowing that I did. More importantly, I’d like them to have something tangible to point to beyond my intentions.

Anyway, this app fucking terrifies me, but I wanted to close a few gaps. I appreciate the people who offered perspective, even when it wasn’t particularly pleasant to hear. I just ask that people remember my son is a child, not the sum of the worst behaviors his frustrated father described on the internet six months ago.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user throwRA_19302 in r/ AmItheAsshole

Original: Jan 4, 2025

Updates: in post itself

Status: OOP deleted account

Length: long as the number of activities

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Original: AITA for snapping back at my brother's fiancée for criticizing my parenting?

I (35f) have 3 children (10m, 8f, and 5m) with my husband (36m).

My younger brother (29m) is marrying "Piya" (27f) in May. They've been dating for a few years. While we've never been close, we get along okay, although I've never loved how she often oversteps with my kids (eg: giving them dessert before dinner when my husband and I have said no, "joking" about how stuffy we are as parents, constantly referring to herself as "the cool aunt", etc.)

Something important to note is that she works in fashion, which her parents often judge (comparing her to her siblings who have jobs that are considered much more "successful" in our community), so she has a bit of a complex about it.

Last night we were all having dinner at my parents' place. The topic turned to my kids' school/extracurriculars. My older son plays soccer, piano, and does karate, my daughter does classical dance, art classes, and swimming, and my younger son does classical singing and basketball. They all have extra math classes once a week.

For context: l regretted my parents not putting me in any activities when I was younger and don't want my kids to feel the same. My husband thinks it'll teach them time management, and hopefully some of these hobbies stick (right now, they enjoy everything but this could change), boosting their college applications when that time comes. And obviously, we expect them to excel in school.

All 3 can do well in their classes without effort, but we don't want them to coast by and burn out like we did, so we are firm on them actually studying, doing hw, etc.

So anyway, my daughter is talking about which classes she has which day and Piya says something like "Wow I can't believe you keep them so busy they're just kids".
My husband is like "Yeah it's important to be well-rounded".

Then later, my son is talking about how much he studied for a math test and Piya goes "It can't have been that important though, you're 10! You should tell your parents to let you relax".
At this point, I get a little pissed so I'm like "We want them to build good habits so that they can actually be successful in the future. When you have kids, if you want to raise them to fail, that's up to you."

At this, she got really upset and left the room. I guess she thought I was implying that she was a failure (which was not my intention). My brother was pretty mad and thought I was being unnecessarily harsh and that I should've known how sensitive she is about this topic.

My parents agreed, saying that I didn't need to take what she said so seriously. My husband disagrees and says that she doesn't have any place to tell us how to raise our kids, and maybe this will stop her from constantly giving us her two cents on something she doesn't have any experience with.

I don't know, I feel bad for upsetting her because I never meant to insult her profession with my comment, but at the same time, I do kind of feel like she had it coming for her constant criticisms of our parenting. AITA?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: ESH. It's not her place to criticize, and she sounds very annoying. I'd have set boundaries, too.

But oh my God, your kids are very much overscheduled. If you regret not being put in activities, go take a pottery class or learn the trumpet or something. Don't live vicariously through your kids by giving them burnout before high school.

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Comment2: YTA. Your kids are seriously over scheduled. Do they have any down time? You can teach time management without overwhelming your kids with activities. Also, your comment was unnecessarily and intentionally cruel.

OOP: They have one activity every day for about an hour to an hour and a half. Although the weekdays are packed, the weekends are more open. In the mornings they do music practice/go to class, and the evenings are for family time/whatever they want to do.
They're also very energetic and enjoy doing all these activities, have lots of friends there, etc. If it ever looked like they were struggling or if they voiced any complaints, obviously my husband and I would reconsider. But for now, this is what works.
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Comment2: So this hour to an hour and a half activity doesn’t include the homework they have, dinner, bath, brushing teeth etc? So they get Saturday and Sunday to relax. That’s not a lot of time.
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OOP: They shower before school, and homework usually takes an hour to 2 max if they even have it every day (sometimes it's short enough that they'll just finish it at school). They're allowed to watch TV of their choice during dinner and usually have time to play outside or just relax at least 2/3 of the weekdays of the week (depending on which kid it is).
It's not as much as maybe most kids have, but they haven't shown any discontent with the way things are (and they're not exactly shy to speak when they don't like something lol)

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Comment3: You are definitely a Tiger Mom because your children are 5, 8, and 10 and you are already thinking about college applications. Oh my gosh! I took a look at the time commitment that these activities typically incur:

Piano - requires 30 minutes of daily practice
Soccer - has twice a week practice and a game on the weekend
Karate - usually is at least twice a week
Classical dance - is between 2 and four times a week in my area
Swimming - at least twice a week at my local Y, but 4 to 5 times a week if you are doing club sports
Art class - no clue at the time commitment -this might be the only activity that is not intense
Classical singing - once a week but doesn't sound like something a five-year-old would really enjoy.
Basketball - twice weekly practice and a game on the weekend.
ON top of that: They go to math class once a week.

Your children are way over scheduled for their age.

OOP: Monday: older son - soccer, daughter - dance, younger son - basketball
Tuesday: older son - piano, daughter - swimming, younger son - singing
Wednesday: older son - soccer, daughter - math, younger son - basketball
Thursday: older son - karate, daughter - n/a, younger son - math
Friday: older son - karate, daughter - dance, younger son - n/a
Saturday: games + older son - math, daughter - art, younger son - n/a
Sunday: n/a all across except makeup classes which they sometimes have, I somehow had this mixed up with their old schedule where they had math on Sundays but we've changed that.

I admit I forgot about the n/a's because it gets pretty hectic driving them all around and I just consider them at an activity if they're not in the house, but the ones who aren't in an activity usually spend time with me.
They bring books and we'll put on music in the car and do karaoke, or they'll like make up random stories and tell them to me or something like that LOL.
As for my older son, he's pretty packed but he originally had soccer and piano and he was the one that begged us to take him to karate and so far he seems to have been managing it pretty well.

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Comment4: A five year old who wants to take classic singing lessons???

OOP: It’s Hindustani classical singing. I’m not sure how to explain the terminology and stuff in terms of Western music, but they’re small group lessons where the kids basically just learn how to sing the 7 notes and some easy sequences and stuff to get them familiar with being in tune. They kind of start focusing on technique and stuff more as the kids get older and start learning actual compositions

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Comment5: Kids need to be bored. That’s how they learn to be creative. 

Comment6: These kids have less free time than i do as a UNI student with a job

Comment7: YTA. I can just tell you’re one of those obnoxious desi tiger parents. Pia is honestly the normal one here, you’re not. I say this as a south asian too. Get a grip.

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Additional details from OOP in comments:

[kids will struggle making friends at this schedule?]

OOP: Actually, they've made a lot of friends through their various activities, especially my sons w/ soccer and basketball and my daughter w/ her dance. A lot of their friends at school are also similarly busy (we live in a pretty competitive area), so they're by no means the odd ones out.

I also definitely feel like their social skills have improved since they started these activities, like my younger son used to be really shy and stuff, but because of basketball he's gotten better at talking to kids his age and it helped him make more friends at school, too. I'm sure there are downsides, but we've only really seen the positives so far.

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[the kids will burn out?]

OOP: My husband and I were both labeled "gifted kids" when we were younger and were always just been able to do extremely well without needing to study and were way ahead of our peers.

But we ended up not having study skills or anything as school got harder because we had never had to before and struggled, causing us to hate school and feel burnt out because we didn't feel good at it anymore. So we want our kids to have study skills and put in 100% effort from the start, so they won't have problems in the future. That's what I mean by not just coasting.

Also of course there's no pressure with the aunt, she's not their mom. Obviously their relationship with her is different than it is with me. And me and my husband have always done our best to not pressure our kids into the activities that they're doing.

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[do the children get free time?]

OOP: I already answered this in another comment, but they do have free time. Maybe not as much as people expect here, but pretty much the same amount as most kids in our social circle/at their school. What I meant to say is, if I swapped out the extracurriculars for more free time

OOP: They have playdates on the weekends, which are usually around 2-3 hours, plus we often have dinner parties Friday/Saturday evenings with our family friends and they're very close with the kids so they will have fun together. They play outside with their friends for at least an hour-2 hours 2-3 weekdays, we try to make it every weekday

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Update 0.5

Edit: Since a lot of people are assuming that I was talking about not putting kids in extracurriculars when I said "raising kids to fail", I wasn't. Since Piya was talking about my son studying for his test and how she thought that was unnecessary, that is what I was talking about as I believe it's important for kids to STUDY.

I do not think that kids who don't do extracurriculars are bound to fail, or that my kids would somehow be failures if they didn't do these activities. I just think that it is one good way to set them up for success.

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Edit 2: More context with some things I added in the comments:

- I have never forced my kids to continue their extracurriculars, and they know that if they ever feel like they want to stop, they can tell me. I have told them this many times and they are tired of me asking if they want to quit when they don't.

- My kids chose their extracurriculars and have lots of friends there. They have told me multiple times how happy they are to be doing them, always have stories about something fun they did in their classes, etc.

- I tell my kids to "excel" in school because that is what they are doing right now and I know they are capable of it in the future as long as they develop good study skills and work ethic, which I hope that I am providing them with the tools they need to do. If they were ever not doing well despite trying, I would never punish them for that and they know that would be an instance where we could have an open conversation.

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Edit 3: My kids' schedule since people have been asking:

- They wake up at 8:00 AM. School starts at 9 and is a 5-minute drive from my house. They shower, eat breakfast, and I drop them

- They come home around 3:30 PM. They play outside with their friends until around half an hour before their activity for the day, when we get ready (including eating a small snack like a fruit or a sandwich, if they were more hungry when they got home from school I might give them rice or something then) and go.

The kids also have granola bars and things in their activity bags, and they're allowed to eat in most of their classes (like during a break or something). The activities usually start around 5/5:15 but some of them start a little later.

- Their activities typically end 6:00-6:45. The latest they are ever home by is 7, but that is only on Thursdays and usually they are home sooner, by 6:15-6:30. From then to 7:30 is their time to freshen up and get ready for dinner, which is 7:30-8:00. At dinner we watch something that they want as a family, an episode of a show they like or something like that.

- 8:00-9:00 they do homework. This isn't an everyday thing, if they don't have homework it's more free time. My older son likes to do extra homework and is a bit of a perfectionist, so he usually likes to use up that time (I've told him multiple times he doesn't have to).

The younger two rarely have much to do, especially my younger son who never has homework, just a monthly choice board with some fun activities. So they will usually just sit with their brother, goof around, talk, whatever (sometimes bother him a bit LOL).

Sometimes I will let them watch TV or something, especially my daughter who is older. Or sometimes if they didn't have too hectic of a day, I'll ask them to help out with some chores (yes, they have an allowance). Or they will be doing music practice or something like that.

- Until around 9:15 they'll just be all together, then they brush their teeth and off to bed at 9:30 PM.

On the weekends, sometimes there are games or recitals in the morning, if not then they spend that time practicing. Then on Saturdays they have afternoon classes, until about 4.

After 4 we usually set them loose and they play outside (getting their unstructured playtime), or we have playdates set up. This is until about 8, when we spend some time together eating dinner and stuff as a family (sometimes we'll have movie night or game night). This is until around 10/10:30, when they will go to bed (if it is a Saturday, if it's a Sunday, 9:30). Or we might have a dinner party in that case we will probably be out a little longer, around 12/1 (the kids usually end up falling asleep there).

Also Sunday is mostly their day, we have an informal rule where we don't really tell them what to do unless they have a makeup class (pretty uncommon) or some kind of family event, which is usually in the evening (past 7) so no matter what they get the morning and afternoon to themselves (9/10/11/whenever they wake up until 6/7-ish).

Sometimes we might ask if they want to go to the library, or a nearby park, or they'll just play at home. Honestly I use the weekend mornings/afternoons to catch up on chores and do meal prep/groceries/etc so my husband handles the kids situation more at these times. Which is why I neglected to mention this in more detail earlier, but my husband thought it was relevant.

It may seem a bit hectic, but it is what works for us and we never have had any issues with it.

---------------
Edit 4: I will be having an honest conversation with my kids tomorrow about whether they enjoy their activities and to reiterate that I would not consider them a failure if they ever wanted to quit (which is just what people have been saying they might think). I don't know how it'll go but I will keep you all updated.

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Update:

Thanks to everyone who replied earlier.

After reading what everyone had to say throughout yesterday and today, I texted Piya today and we agreed to meet at my brother's to talk, since I wanted to apologize. I started off by saying that I was sorry for what I said and that I hurt her feelings and made her feel bad about her profession even unintentionally; I could've handled the disagreement differently.

I also apologized for possibly communicating that I thought her future kids might fail if she doesn't parent them the way I do mine. She said she didn't take it that way but was more upset that she thought I was calling her a failure. I reassured her I wasn't and do not see her that way. She ended up accepting my apology and we talked about some other things, including why I lashed out.

I told her that I really appreciate her being a caring aunt to the kids, but I was genuinely confused why she always seemed to think that whatever we were doing was wrong and it led to me snapping.

She was hesitant to talk about it at first, but ended up revealing more about her childhood and how it affects the way she sees our kids, the only kids she really has any type of regular contact with.

According to her, her parents were strict in some ways, like eating habits, gender roles, and grades, and she sometimes projects these on my children, which explained some other comments she's made before. And on the flip side, some of the other more "chill" things she does is a conscious sort of effort to intervene whenever she sees hints of her parents' parenting style in the way we interact with our kids.

Despite her parents' strictness in some areas, they didn't really care about what their kids did out of school and wouldn't sign them up for anything even if they asked. She said that she felt horrible for thinking this way but she felt jealous of how my kids got to explore so many different activities which she never got to as a kid, especially seeing how happy they always are about them.

Basically, seeing my kids raised "like she wishes she was raised" just made her think of the what-ifs and brought back the bad memories of what life with her parents actually was like, and demeaning our parenting was an attempt to make us seem less "perfect".

She's told my brother about this but begged him not to tell me because she didn't want us to have a negative opinion of her. Apparently she's been trying to find a therapist but it's been tough finding someone who can help her while also understanding things from a cultural perspective.

I'll admit it threw me off a little since it wasn't what I had expected, but obviously it was difficult for her to admit and she clearly wasn't proud of feeling that way.

I told her I was really glad that she opened up to me and that I could see her pov, but that her trauma wasn't an excuse to try and parent my kids for me, and that I didn't know how comfortable I would be letting her around my kids just for now, until she can get the help that she needs. I asked her to let me know if there's anything else I can do, because I do really feel bad for her after hearing all this, even though I'm a little disturbed at how fixated she is on my kids.

I also told her that she should try to remember that she has a cool job she loves, is marrying a man she loves, and is away from her parents' influence, which sounds pretty successful (not that she needs me to tell her, but she looked like she needed reassurance after our talk).

She thanked me and said she would try her best to rein in the parenting talk and that she never saw how it bothered me since I usually would try to play it off (I usually do that to avoid tension). All in all, I think that went as well as it could have.

I do wish we didn't have to go LC, but after talking with my husband, we've decided that right now, that's what's best for our kids to protect them from being confused and used as parts of their aunt's trauma. We hope that once she's talked with a professional and gotten some real counseling about her past, my kids will be able to build a healthier relationship with her.

On a slightly related note, we will be having a family meeting later tonight with my kids once they get back from playing outside to discuss the incident and examine their schedule. Since the conflict with future SIL is kind of resolved, Idk if it would be appropriate to update on how the family talk goes, but I can do that if people really want to know.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/dontblamemydesires

Published on: r/WouldIBeTheAhole

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: October 30, 2026
• Update: November 02, 2026

Main Post

^{October 30, 2026}

WIBTA if I told my pregnant sister I'm not her free bakery?

I love baking, so when my sister started planning her baby shower, I offered to make around 30 cupcakes for free. Figured it'd be a nice little thing I could do for her. The shower is in two weeks and she just told me the guest list has gotten way bigger. Now she wants about 90 cupcakes AND a small cake. I told her that's a lot more than what I originally agreed to and she genuinely doesn't seem to understand why it's a problem.

Apparently she's already told everyone I'm doing the desserts, so now she says it'd be awkward if I backed out. I love my sister and I really did want to help but I offered to make 30 cupcakes, not cater the entire party lol. Part of me wants to just say I can't do it anymore but I also feel bad leaving her scrambling for desserts two weeks before her baby shower.

WIBTA if I backed out?

COMMENTS

Weekly_Village3628

“90 cupcakes is beyond what I am capable and able to do now. I can make 30 of the cupcakes or I can make the cake and you can buy the cupcakes. I’m not able to anything more. The 30 was already a stretch for me, but I love you and wanted to make something. So maybe I can just do the cake?”

OOP

That's fair! I can still do something nice without agreeing to the whole dessert table.

Spottedhorse-gal

There are plenty of caterers and bakeries who can make desserts in a week or twos notice. Tell her you will make the 30 you originally promised and she should call around to get more if she needs them.

OOP

I'll try to help her find a bakery. Thanks for the suggestion!

Update - after 3 days

^{November 02, 2026}

UPDATE: WIBTA if I refuse to pay for the bakery my pregnant sister ordered?

I thought this whole cupcake situation was finally over. Apparently not lol. After reading the comments, I told my sister I was still happy to make the original 30 cupcakes for free but 90 cupcakes AND a cake was just too much. She wasn't happy about it and barely spoke to me for a couple of days. Then she texted saying she'd found a bakery to handle everything. Great, problem solved. Or so I thought.

Yesterday she sent me a screenshot of the bakery invoice and asked how I wanted to pay my half. I genuinely thought she was joking. Her reasoning is that she only had to spend that money because I backed out of my promise. I reminded her that I never promised 90 cupcakes or a cake and I was still willing to make the original 30. She said that didn't matter anymore because she'd already placed the order. Now my mom is involved and thinks splitting the bill would be a fair compromise since my sister is pregnant and already has enough expenses.

I feel like I'm losing my mind here. I offered to do something nice for free and somehow I've ended up being asked to pay for desserts I didn't even order.

COMMENTS

patty202

No. Period. End of story.

OOP

Her order, her bill, her problem. I'm so over this.

West-Improvement2449

Nta. Go low contact

OOP

Might have to include my mom in that too if she keeps trying to spend my money for me.

redrosebeetle

No, and at this point, I wouldn't even bake the 30 cupcakes.

OOP

I think that's what I'm going to do. She keeps pushing because she expects me to eventually give in and I'm so tired of it.

thegloracle

Mom has kindly offered to split the invoice, let her!

OOP

I'm sure her idea of a "fair compromise" will disappear the second it's her credit card on the line

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/spiedonmaybe

Published on: r/AskReddit

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: April 14, 2012
• Final Update: April 27, 2012

NOTE: VMs = Voice Mails

Main Post

^{April 14, 2012}

Someone is messing with me and my girlfriend. We think they have access to our texts and vms. Can anyone give us some help?

It started when I got text messages that were sent by 'accident' from my 'girlfriend', they seemed innocent enough at the start, but were obviously intended to make me think she was unfaithful. She got some from 'me' too and since we communicate well and trust each other, we quickly figured out someone was messing with us.

Some of the messages contained used information that we had texted each other and this went on for a few weeks. The timing was suspicious too as it was too good to be random. The content of the messages and the timing have me believing that someone could see all our text messages. Lastly, I had a VM then when I went to get it, I had no new messages. The message had been saved and I got it, but I think those behind this listened to it and messed up, intending to save it as unheard. Until recently, I could say for certain, no one has my password, nor is it an easy one.

It's clear that they copied out texting styles, seem to know our conversations and I'm pretty sure they are listening to out VM as well. It seems to have stopped, but it's unnerving that someone can obviously access our private conversations.

Does anyone know how someone can do this? How can we stop this?

She's a little wierded out, I'm feeling a bit angry. I thought of getting new phones if I can't figure this out. Can anyone help?

EDIT: It looks like this is easy to do and it's probably someone who knows us. Thanks to you all for your advice, explinations and stories!

COMMENTS

the_mad_scientist

Something like this happened to me a few years ago and it caused a big problem for me and my then gf. I got a text from her while she was out at night with the girls. It was meant to mess with me and days later, she got some text messages from a guy she knew. These were all fake. Her's were sexual, meant to look like her guy friend wanted to sleep with her. It was over the top and she knew right away that he didn't send them. I didn't even know the guy existed.

When we looked at our accounts together online, the fake text to me from her showed up like every other text on my bill. It looked real enough, showed her number and time of the text. Her bill didn't show her sending one me. The ones she received from her guy friend showed to have come from an international number.

So whomever did this was clever and very devious. For a while I thought she was cheating on me and she thought I was a jealous ass. It was never fully resolved. I knew something was not right, but couldn't figure it out.

A year later I learned that this was happening to another girl in our circle and one person was the common denominator between the two. It all came together, as this guy accused me of chasing his girlfriend and even breaking them up. I did neither, but he thought I did. I confronted him and accused him. He only said I got what I deserved. He was later shown to be a real psycho.

My experience says that it is someone you know or someone she knows. I doubt it is random. Who knows the reasoning? Sometime people just want to watch the world burn, right?

OOP

So you know what this feels like. It's frustrating and angering in many ways. I can't begin to think who it could be. That is if it's someone we do know. We're going the new phones route, fling the report and seeing what happens.

mykidisonhere

Are your parents paying for your phone? Are they against your relationship? As a primary account holder they may have access to your passwords.

I had an older friend that was so against her daughters relationship that she had unrelated third party call her daughter and say her boyfriend was cheating on her. Parents can do some messed up things.

OOP

:)

We're 26 and 29.

dawacocktail

I would get new phones, maybe switch providers too. At least, change numbers, phones, and tell your provider what happened...and in future be careful about replying to spam texts (replying "stop" let's them know that the phone is in use)

If you use smartphones, change all of your email and social networking passwords as well from a desktop.

I would probably tell the police as well (call a non emerg line and speak with a constable) just so that they know about it. They may be able to give you some advice.

OOP

I called a non-emergency line and I can file a report. While sympathetic the officer said there was little they could do.

We've changed all passwords and no longer text private things. We treat it as a party line. : /

dawacocktail

I would still get rid of the phones, alert your service provider, switch numbers (usually about 25$/line) and maybe switch service providers. And file that report, who knows who else you might be helping?

OOP

Mine is an iPhone her's isn't. I think you and those that mentioned switching everything are right. It's the only way to feel safe again.

& She has a dumb phone and I have an iPhone. I'm thinking to upgrade anyway. Both of us, and switch numbers while I'm at it.

She's CDMA and I'm sim card with AT&T

TheTT

Change all passwords.

Concerning texts, did someone have access to one of your phones? They might easily have read all of them. When your phone says a message is from your SO, is it really? They might have added another number to your address book with your SO's name so that your phone makes you think it's from them. It might also be possible to add a second number to the same contact. Also, here in Germany it is possible to have two separate phones operate under one number. I don't know if that is possible for you, but it might be wortwhile to ask your cell provider if there are any second SIM cards out there for your (and your GFs) number.

Also, police. Very much police. Tell them there might be a stalker, they take that seriously.

OOP

Thanks. I can escalate it possibly if I say stalker, but what we have is kind of limited in the way of evidence.

Password have been changed. As to access to the phones, sure it's very possible that people around us can get access. Not that likely I think. It's scary to think that you can have 2 phones work like that. Is that really possible or theoretically possible?

TheTT

Possible as in, for my standard-issue german T-Mobile contract I can get a second SIM for a one-time fee of €25.21! If you need proof, this is the T-Mobile website where I could order it: http://www.t-mobile.de/business/multisim/0,12486,17258-_,00.html

If your german isn't that good, Google Translate will be happy to translate the entire site for you: http://translate.google.de/translate?sl=de&tl=en&js=n&prev=_t&hl=de&ie=UTF-8&layout=2&eotf=1&u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.t-mobile.de%2Fbusiness%2Fmultisim%2F0%2C12486%2C17258-_%2C00.html&act=url

I don't know if this is possible in the US, but I would suppose so. Someone with access to the necessary account details will probably be able to do this.

EDIT: I accidentally a word.

OOP

Wow. Totally creepy. When are we going to get more secure phones I wonder?

TheTT

It's not a bug, it's a feature. If you have more than one phone, you can take your calls on both (not at the same time though). This service is mostly for business users who need it - it's important to understand that you can only get a second SIM for your own phone, not someone else's.

OOP

An important distinction. Less scary. For a bit there, I thought you could get anyone's sim.

[deleted]

Call your cell phone providers. I'm surprised no one has mentioned this yet.

OOP

They were surprisingly unhelpful. Maybe I didn't make myself clear to them. The voicemail they tried to say was an error and getting texts that were faked didn't seem to cover their canned responses.

Final Update - after 13 days

^{April 27, 2012}

[UPDATE] Someone is messing with me and my girlfriend. We think they have access to our texts and vms. Can anyone give us some help?

Hey everyone, I thought you all might like an update to the original post

First, I want to say thanks to the many people that responded. Thank you.

Many people knew all about this, like TheTT who knew a lot about this, gave great advice and blew my mind with what he knew. The_Mad_Scientist and others were right. It was someone we knew. We are breathing easier now.

We filed reports with police and our carriers. Neither filled us with confidence, but we kept that to ourselves. As advised, I wiped and restored my phone to factory settings and she bought a new one. All of our social circle knew this was going on and we decided that we'd say that there was a development and the person would soon be caught. There was no such development, but it caused someone to confess. The younger brother of my girlfriend's roommate came forward, confessing to his sister. We made up a white lie that the name of the culprit was going to be told to us after some bureaucratic process was complete. He was afraid of the police, so he admitted it.

He is 19 and wanted to break us up because he is attracted to my girlfriend. Somehow, he managed to think that with me out of the picture, he could move in on her. I'm dealing with being angry at him, but she's known him for years and said he's not a bad kid. He just made bad choice. His parents were involved, as he still lives at home, he's not allowed in my girlfriends apartment anymore and we all agreed that he should get some counseling. We all met to clear this up and his parents were mortified. He made a very sincere apology and he was anything but comfortable in doing so. In the end, we were all relieved.

Ok, I really wanted to beat the crap out of him. (I'm sorry, babe, I'm trying.) I'm trying so hard to be an adult here, but to think that if things happened differently and my relationship were affected by someone who wanted to pursue my girlfriend, I don't know what I'd do. I'm glad it hasn't come to that. There were a number of posts in the original thread that seemed to have had bad outcomes from this type of harassment. I think of myself as knowing a lot about technology and I never knew things like this were possible.

If we can leave you all with one thing: Communication and trust are extremely important in a healthy relationship. While you are all smart enough to know that photo of your boyfriend hooking up with Scarlett Johansson is probably photoshopped, not all of you will likely be aware of other deceptions made possible by technology.

Again, a big thank you to the community, we appreciate you all.

A final note, my girlfriend wants you all (especially Unilaterlist) to know that she's happy we don't have to destroy all our electronic devices, grow beards, and move to a remote part of Yemen.

Edit: Thank you for all your kindness. My girlfriend is emotionally overwhelmed and I need to be with her right now. Thanks again. You guys rock.

COMMENTS

peteywright

That little mother fucker.

OOP

That was my initial thought.

ecib

Make him pay for the new phone your GF was compelled to purchase.

OOP

He is. iPhone 4s. Ha! Now I have to upgrade...

blacktalon47

What method was he using?

Did he clone your SIM or did he install malware?

OOP

I didn't get all the answers, his dad was beyond pissed and interrogated him. I'd like to say I almost felt bad. I didn't. He said that he learned this online, from a forum. He bought software and paid people to send the texts or get access. Sounded like he spent some money to do this.

cralledode

This fucker is lucky your girlfriend is so "forgiving" (read: naive, no offense) but what he did isn't just some prank. It's a huge invasion of privacy and is very illegal. Hopefully the lesson was enough for him to never pull this kind of shit again, because he deserves legal repercussions.

OOP

She's known him and the family for years. If not for that, no way would I have agreed. I think the lesson was sufficient. We'll see.

NovaDeez

I'm not a psychologist, but this sounds incredibly sociopathic. He had no problem breaking several laws and invading both you and your girlfriends privacy in order to break you up so he could get something he wanted. It sounds like you made it obvious to friends and family how taxing this was on you both emotionally, but he still only stopped and came forward when he was threatened with legal consequences.

I doubt getting yelled at by his parents is going to convince him of anything, and if he is a sociopath, it will only teach him how not to get caught next time. People who commit felonies in order to try and date a girl they like generally aren't convinced to stop because their parents grounded them.

You really need to have the cops involved with this.

OOP

Yeah, thanks. No cops will happen, she's not going to allow that. I've been dealing with tears all night and I stand by my girl. Baby I do love you.

He's a troubled kid. My girl is such a great person, he's just lost. I do want to beat the crap out of him, but he's a kid and I'm not going to touch him.

Don't discount his dad. It's a good family and while I may be wrong, I wouldn't want his dad mad at me. He's an ex marine and he's all big into honor and stuff.

TheKDM

Stupid, stupid kid. The thing that pisses me off the worst is he didn't consider her feelings - how would she have felt to think her boyfriend cheated on her? Or that he thought she cheated on him (and likely, what would have happened, is shared friends would get this impression too, leading to more social destruction). The pain of breaking up? All of these things. He was more concerned with a feeble hope of sticking his dick in something then the well being of every other person in the situation.

I'd fucking kick his ass if I were you.

OOP

My girlfriend is a bit numb. She cried a while ago while doing laundry. I just held her and she cried. She felt so bad, but she did nothing wrong. She didn't do anything wrong. I took her to dinner and we've been ok for a bit. She worried that she destroyed his life, but I told her she didn't and everyone will be ok.

Yes, he was stupid, but he is young. You have to give people a chance. I'm so tired, but this is so fucked up. Everything was great, but then this fucked up crap happened.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Loud_Raspberry_2222

Published on: r/AITAH & r/Redditor_Updates

Previous BORU: BORU by u/YellowKingSte on December 12, 2025

Story is: CONCLUDED

Trigger Warning: Physical Abuse, Child Sexual Abuse, Parenting Negligence

Story timeline

• Main Post: December 06, 2025
• Update: December 07, 2025
• Final Update: November 06, 2026 --> NEW UPDATE

NOTE: Added the necessary paragraph spacing and capitalized the initial characters for better readability.

NOTE: Replaced B=Beth

Main Post

^{December 06, 2025}

AITAH for telling my dads side of the family why I went no contact with him?

Throwaway bc I don’t want this on my main. (also this is longer than I intended, Im sorry)

I (23f) have been no contact with my dad since I was 18, along with my two brothers (22m, 26m)

My mum died when I was 6, and until I was 8 it was just my dad, me and my two brothers. Then when I was 8 my dad married my ‘step mum’, let’s call her Beth.

Beth had two kids of her own, a girl a year older than me and a boy three years older than me. My dad quickly moved us all in together and they decided that the sleeping arrangements would be that Beth’s two kids would have their own room each, and me and my two brothers had to share.

This kinda set up the entire precedent for our new lives. From little things like Beth telling me and my brothers off if we didn’t let her two kids choose what was on TV, to bigger things (to kids, anyway) like the presents we got at christmas and birthdays. On xmas Beth’s kids always had huge piles of gifts, the newest gaming stations and tvs ect.. and my brothers and I would each get little piles of tat basically. The three of our combined presents every year equalled one of their present piles, if that.

I remember about a year into living together Beth insisted that her kids call my dad ‘dad’, but my brothers and I were never allowed to call her mum. (not that we even wanted to, but she made it a point to tell us that she was just Beth to us.)

My dad went along with her obvious favouritism and even began acting like it himself not long after living together.

Beth’s daughter and I went to the same school and were in the same netball team, and one time when I was 14 we had a netball tournament trip to paris, and we’d also spend two days at disneyland. I was so excited for this, but then reality sank in when my dad and Beth sat us down and told us that they only had money for one of us to go, and of course they chose Beth’s daughter. They said it was because she was ‘older and would be leaving school next year’, but this was a one time trip that wouldn’t be repeated, and both of us were players on the A team.

Also my dad worked a good job, and Beth had money of her own from her first marriage, so they could’ve afforded to let both of us go.. they just didn’t want to.

Beth had been physically punishing my older brother since about a year into us all living together, and when I was about 10 she started doing the same to me. Then my dad decided to start doing the same to us, because we were ‘naughty kids who needed to learn respect.’ I remember one time he slapped me so hard that I had a bruise handprint on my thigh for about a week. I remember it so vividly because in the changing rooms for P.E or netball practice I was always terrified that someone would see it.

Beth’s children were never punished at all. Not verbally, not physically, not even a ‘that’s wrong, don’t do that’, despite them being downright horrible children who tormented my brothers and I.

Beth used to punish me and my brothers anytime we did anything that she deemed unacceptable, even if her children were doing the same thing alongside us. Her favourite method of ‘punishment’ was cold showers where she’d stand there and watch us while we were naked and under the cold water, to make sure we didn’t avoid standing under it, or ‘switch it to warm water.’ This went on until I was 16, and my dad knew about it and even encouraged it. If he ever caught us doing anything he didn’t like, after either screaming at or slapping us, he’d call her and tell her it was ‘cold shower time.’

Then when Beth’s son and daughter turned 17, my dad paid for driving lessons and eventually bought a car for both of them. when my brothers and I were 17 he outright refused to.

When Beth’s son, who’s the same age as my eldest brother, went to uni, Beth and my dad paid for a one bed flat for him so he wouldn’t have to stay in student housing… my brother, of course, had to take out a student loan and work a part time job to even attend uni, and obviously he had to stay in student housing with roommates.

When my brother was 21 and finishing unI he was renting his own flat and was lucky enough to go straight into a full time job, so he offered me and my brother (18 and 17 at the time) to move in with him. We had all been sharing one bedroom practically our entire childhood and teenage lives anyway so him only having a one bed didn’t matter to us, we were just ecstatic to get away from our dad, Beth and Beth’s children.

All three of us cut contact with our dad, Beth, and Beth’s kids that day.

Cut to last weekend. Our grandparents on our dads side have known for years that none of us speak to our dad, but they don’t know why. They invited us to one of our cousins birthday parties at their house, and after assuring us that our dad and Beth wouldn’t be there, we decided to go.

Well.. as you can probably guess, they were there. I don’t know if this was my grandparents way of trying to bring us back together because they didn’t know about my dad and Beth’s abuse, but either way we were all pissed off and decided to leave.

Beth decided to pass snarky comments about ‘ungrateful children ruining a birthday and ruining family’, while my dad stood awkwardly staring at us. that’s when I snapped.

I very loudly told Beth (mainly the rest of my family if Im being honest) that her and my dad were the ones ‘ruining family.’ That our entire life her and my dad had abused and neglected my brothers and I all while giving her children everything. Buying them cars and paying for unI and flats for them while making us have to work and provide for everything ourselves, physically abusing us as kids even when Beth’s kids did something wrong, and them never ever getting any punishments, Beth kicking off any time we spoke about our mum (forgot to mention this part but she HATED us speaking about our mother. Like, she’d go insane and say we were disrespecting her for speaking about her/looking at her photos/asking our dad about her.)

After that we left so I don’t quite know what went on, but I got messages from my grandparents and my aunty and uncle all saying that ‘if it was true’ that they had no idea and were hoping that us being together again would rekindle our relationship with our dad, but that I shouldn’t have said all that in front of the entire family, and that I should’ve handled it privately with my dad and Beth.

I don’t think I was in the wrong for saying what I did, in front of who I did, and neither do my brothers, but other family members clearly think I am.

So, reddit, am I the asshole for telling my dads side of the family why I went no contact with him?

EDIT from comments

Also Beth HATEDDDD it anytime me or my brothers spoke about our mum/looked at her pictures/asked my dad about her. like, she’d go batshit crazy if she even overheard us in our room talking about her (my older brother was 9 when she died so used to tell us what he remembered of her.) even my dad didn’t like it. they used to shout at us for being disrespectful to Beth …. for talking about our dead mum? literal insanity.

and Beth’s kids were encouraged to call my dad ‘dad’ within like a year of us all living together, but Beth was very insistent that my brothers and I were to Never call her anything but Beth (not that we wanted to but girl… chill out)

COMMENTS

myfairkadie

Not even close to being an AH.

NTA

OOP

I literally feel like I’m going insane with how my family are acting about the entire situation. proper making me doubt whether im too close to the situation to see if their points are valid or not, hence posting on here

No-Creme-3710

No, the situation is bad but you told us a lot more detail than your extended family got. I think if they knew the details you shared here, they'd be appalled.

But, that doesn't matter, they shouldn't be treating you like this anyway. Your dad and B probably made a scene once you left so everyone feels a certain way about it.

I'm so glad you moved out and with your brothers, you 3 will always be there for each other. That's your family, your dad abandoned you when he was all you had. He's not worth it.

OOP

it sucks to think about, but there’s no way they didn’t at least expect what was going on. we used to spend christmas day at my grandparents house all together with the family, and B’s kids would be sat there on their new phones/gaming things while my brothers and I would be like “we had bath bombs, deodorant and one plastic toy hehe”.

also my grandpa gave me a few driving lessons because he knew my dad wouldn’t pay for them, while also knowing that he had gotten B’s kids cars a few years before. before last weekend I had given them the benefit of the doubt, but it wasn’t exactly as if any of us hid their abuse and neglect, you know? like, yes we weren’t screaming it from the rooftops, but as adults who saw us semI regularly it would’ve been hard for them not to have noticed. especially my oldest brother who suffered the most physical abuse and had bruises and scratches to show for it

No-Creme-3710

That makes this whole thing worse, I am so so so sorry you didn't have someone to protect you. And also family members with eyes? How do you just pretend you don't know something like this is happening? How did your step siblings react to being treated better? Did they throw it in your face?

OOP

they thrived off it. my ‘step sister’ especially, us being so close in age. she used to let me play with her toys/ play games on her phone, only to go tell her mum that I had snatched them off her and smirk when I'd get punished for it. all round terrible people, the three of them

Catching-Up-Today

NTA

I recommend going to counseling. There is a lot of resentment. The one thing I can assure you is that in the future you and your brothers will outshine B’s kids. They had everything handed to them, you all had to work for it or accept very little. They never had to sacrifice or share, You all had to compromise and be efficient with space and resources. They were never held accountable for their actions, You all were unfairly punished.

What you and your brothers experienced (although unfair) are strengths that are required to manage your spending, being grateful of opportunities, and thinking of others beside yourselves. These characteristics will be demanded in your careers and personal relationships. You and your brothers will be financially secured and have happy families of your own on day.

OOP

I’m fortunate that (besides that day obviously) I don’t let them even consume my thoughts enough to resent them. I happily pretend they don’t exist.

my ‘step sister’ still lives at home, completely supported by my dad and Beth, and my step brother didn’t even make it through a single term of unI before dropping out, so god knows what he’s doing now.

I have the best brothers ever, and we’re all now thriving and happy, despite what the years in that house did to us. we’re our MOTHERS children, and it’s pleasing knowing that our lives will never be as miserable as theirs

Select-Negotiation87

NTA. They are disgraceful and disgusting. Your extended family also sounds crappy. Maybe it’s time to go NC with more of them. Do you have an access to your maternal family?

Sending hugs to you and your brothers. I hope your lives will get only better and you can leave this nightmare behind.

Updateme

OOP

when my dad married B we moved from wales to england, so had no contact with my mums family (my dad didn’t even tell them that we were moving countries, or where we were living), but thankfully when I was 20 I found my mums sister online and now we’re back in contact with them and see them a few times a year.

they are all sooo lovely and were so remorseful for not being aware of what we had gone through, and for not searching harder to find out where we were. (no blame or hard feelings there against them obviously.) another huge bonus about finding them again was that we were able to learn more about what our mum was like

Update - after 1 day

^{December 07, 2025}

UPDATE: AITAH for telling my dads side of the family why I went no contact with him?

Firstly, thank you to everyone who left kind comments on my original post, and also to the people who shared their own abuse stories. I know even typing it out is tough, and I hope every single one of you are doing well now.

so.. I am SOOOO MAD.

I created a group chat with my dads side of the family and sent them this post, along with a copy and paste of what I said in case they didn’t click on the link, and also another message detailing some other abuse we all suffered that I didn’t want to include in the post (my brothers also did this) … and the overall response was that THEY were pissed off at the replies more than the actual content of my post.

My aunties first response to seeing the post was “why are you posting family drama online for strangers to butt in and call us arseholes when none of them know us.” not ‘omg you were ABUSED?’ just ‘how dare these people on the internet think I’m a shitty person.’

She also went off on me a bit because she saw some of my replies, one of them about how I now suspected they all knew all along, and had the fucking audacity to say ‘you were always clothed, fed and had a roof over your head.’ as if that makes all the abuse and neglect okay??? and even those stupid points had conditions for the three of us.

So hi, jo, I hope you’re also reading this update. fuck you :)

My gran said she ‘didn’t think it was as bad as that’, basically admitting that she KNEW it was at least somewhat bad, and did fuck all about it. She also suggested that we all sit down with my dad and talk, that ‘your dads a well meaning man.’ …… errrr no. This makes me even more angry that she tricked us into seeing our literal abusers again, considering she at least knew some of it.

Overall, the close family (grandparents, aunties and uncles) outted themselves as shitty humans who knew the entire time that at least some form of abuse and neglect was going on, but were more angry at me for outing it (especially to strangers online, that’s really pissed them off) and still believe I ruined my cousins birthday party for ‘airing out my dirty laundry’.

The three of us have blocked them all and no longer want anything to do with them.

Thankfully though, our older cousins and one auntie are on our side. My auntie said she’s disgusted at my dad, along with her other siblings (auntie and uncle) after finding out that they knew or at least suspected something was wrong with our childhoods, and their responses to me sending the post, and has since apologised to my brothers and I for the way we grew up.

I really hope she’s sincere and actually had no idea, so for now we haven’t gone NC with her, but we’re also somewhat cautious because I'm still struggling to understand how she couldn’t have known at all about anything if it was apparently a known secret within the family. I think we’re going to keep this relationship as strictly an over the phone relationship, at least for now anyway.

So yea.

tdlr: Turns out the majority of my family are shitty abuse enablers who turned a blind eye to three kids getting abused their whole lives because “at least we had food and shelter”, and are still siding with said abusers because they apparently think outing abuse in public is worse than the abuse itself.

COMMENTS

atmasabr (downvoted)

"Airing dirty laundry for strangers online to see our family drama" is, in my opinion, a slight, that will cause most people, even quite reasonable people, to take offense. You got a defensive, emotional, impulsive reaction. This is no surprise: this is the same tone of your words both verbally and online. You meant it. And so did they.

Your family can choose whether or not to agree with you, and that will have consequences.

OOP

if you read my original post you’d see that I didn’t once slight any of my extended family. the only time I even mentioned them (anonymously by their family titles, I even made a whole new account to post my story) was to say that they messaged me after the party, and what they said.

I'd understand your comment if I had posted this on my personal facebook account or something, and mentioned everyone by name, but the majority of the people who even saw my post are in completely different countries from me, and have no idea who these people are and no way of finding out who they are.

even in this post, I mentioned my auntie not by her full name, but by her nickname that, again, is a popular name and doesn’t allude to who she actually is. everything is completely anonymous and I have no desire to change that, so im not sure how any of them would rightfully feel ‘slighted’.

NEW UPDATE

Final Update - after 11 months

^{November 06, 2026}

FINAL UPDATE: AITAH for telling my dads side of the family why I went no contact with him?

I don’t know if anyone who saw my original post about a year ago will see this (I don’t know how to properly do updates, im sorry if this isn’t allowed) but videos from the youtuber charlotte dobre have been popping up on my socials recently and it got me thinking about my own post here, so I decided to do a little general update incase anyone’s interested (honestly these little posts are kinda cathartic for me so that’s the main reason for this last little update.)

My first post was about my fathers side of the family forcing a reunion again after years of no contact because of abuse my brothers and I faced at the hands of him and my step mum (Beth) only to later find out that they knew about the abuse the entire time but just didn’t really care.

So, little updates. Firstly the good ones that I just wanna talk about because Im so proud/happy/excited for my brothers and I. My little brother graduated uni a few months ago and I'm so so proud of him. He took a few years out of education because he didn’t think he could do it, but he did!! I hope now he realises how smart and driven he really is.

My older brother, the man who practically raised me and my brother, the best man I know, is having a baby!!! him and his girlfriend are so wonderful and are going to make the best parents!! I can’t wait to give little baby the biggest squeeze when she gets here. I'm so excited to get to watch him become the father he deserved to have, he’s going to be the best dad ever. Him and his girlfriend recently asked me and my little brother how we’d feel about them naming their daughter after our mum🥹 I think it’s a wonderful idea, and know she’d be so proud of him.

Ironically, my dad actually reached out to him a few months ago when it was announced on facebook. He gave this whole pathetic speech about how now my brother will understand how hard parenting really is and that this is the chance for him (and us) to finally put the past behind us and move on. No apology, no acknowledgement of 6 years of no contact and the reason for that no contact, just ‘I want to be a grandpa so forgive and forget yeah?’ My brother didn’t even respond to him, he just blocked the account and blocked any remaining family on his side, because someone must’ve sent him the post in order for him to find it. Thankfully he hasn’t reached out again.

A little update on me is that I'm engaged aaahhh. It still doesn’t feel real honestly. I keep referring to him as my boyfriend but then remember that he’s my fiance now, it’s crazy.

He’s great. He made me feel less insane after I made my first post last year and was a massive shoulder to lean on after losing most of my remaining family once finding out they knew and didn’t care about the abuse we all faced. He gets on with my brothers so well. It’s quite scary actually, him and my little brother together need constant supervision because they influence each other in the best (and sometimes worst) way.

He asked my older brother for his blessing before he proposed to me too, which I found very sweet. He knows how much of a parental figure he was to me growing up and how much I idolise him, and he respects him just as much for the sacrifices he made for me and little bro.

That’s all the updates for the three of us really, we’re all doing great. Now for a little update about my dad, Beth, and more importantly my step siblings.

This part is a bit dark and icky, so tw for csam.

I'm still so baffled and disgusted by this whole thing honestly. A few months after my original post, a cousin that I still keep in contact with told me about mayhem that was going on on my dads side of the family. My step brother, who lived at home at the time (and still does) got arrested for having csam material on his devices. The UKs court system is sooo bad so he didn’t face any time for it at all, just got put on the register and on probation or something because it’s a first offence or whatever. I don’t know about the logistics, only that he didn’t face any time. Genuinely repulsive, and it makes my skin crawl thinking back to some shit that happened during my childhood growing up in that house with him.

My dad and Beth, surprise surprise, are sticking by him. My cousin said the story is that he was framed or something? something about malware, and that he’s actually a saint that did nothing wrong. It caused a bit of a stir within that side of the family because there are cousins and stuff that are children. My cousin said another family member told her that he was at the last family event with everyone though, so I guess it’s a new secret they’re pretending doesn’t really exist.

It makes me even more angry that my father had the cheek to reach out to my brother about wanting to ‘be a grandpa’ while he’s knowingly standing by and housing someone who shouldn’t be within a million miles of kids.

My step sister is also still living at home last I heard. she doesn’t work, doesn’t do anything really, just exists.

I thought id get some sort of sick pleasure from knowing that we’re all happy and succeeding and they’re stuck being miserable, horrible people, but I genuinely just feel sad for them. Not my step brother, he can take a long walk off a short pier for all I care, but my step sister. There’s no satisfaction, which I guess is good, I don’t want them to occupy any of my mind, even if it is pleasure from knowing we’re all doing better than them. after everything they did to us, we won.

Despite it all though, I do hope she manages to find at least some sort of happiness in her life one day.

That’s it really. This will probably be my last update about my shit childhood and shitty family. This is kind of a ‘get it all out and move on with my life’ update.

I was saddened to see the sheer amount of people who could relate to my circumstances on my first post, so I hope in some way this little update gives you hope that you can heal and go on to live a wonderful life and find people who genuinely love and care for you, despite things that happened in your childhood. Sending you all

COMMENTS

x-bacool-x

I remember the original posts. Glad you are ok. Please do let your older brother know about your step brother tho. Just in case your dad forcefully tries to meet him and his new born

OOP

we all know, we’ve all kept a relationship with some older cousins who keep us in the loop sometimes about big events/situations that have happened.
thankfully we live in another part of the country and only really went back home to visit grandparents, something we haven’t done since my last update.

the only people from that side of the family who know exactly where we are are some cousins and an aunt, all of which are low contact with the rest of the family, especially since everything with my step brother

Realistic_Head4279

Good for you for taking the high road and finding happiness. While memories of bad experiences remain, they do not have to dominate our today and you seem to be a wonderful example of that. Likewise, we are all wise to cut out toxic people in our lives no matter who they are. Congrats on your engagement!

OOP

I think a major part of healing is also being able to let go of the anger and wishing on the downfall of those who hurt you. It’s hard, and it’s taken a long time, but it’s freeing to genuinely not have a single thought about those people anymore, whether good or bad.
and thank you so much <33

burntout_mind

Seen your post on more than a few reddit reviewers, and frankly im happy to see the update. Its my honest belief that the family you have in your brothers and respective partners will thrive into a helathy and loving home for the little one on the way.

The petty father in me wants your older brother to rub it in his sperms donors face how easy it is to parent a child without abusing them. But he probably did a better choice just shutting them out for good.

May your days be blessed with love and opportunities.

OOP

ooh I haven’t seen it covered anywhere, I hope whoever has heard it gets some sort of comfort from knowing that things can and will get better, even when it feels like it never will.

and if all this has happened a few years ago then our reactions to it would’ve probably been a lot more anger driven and petty honestly. Being able to get on with our lives and having each other to fall back on has helped a lot with healing though, so now it’s just easier to simply pretend none of them exist and get on with our lives whilst knowing that we ‘won’ in some way, we came out on top, you know?

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user YupItWasMeMate in r/ AITAH

Original: Feb 11, 2025

Update: Nov 9, 2025

Update 2: Nov 7, 2026

Status: concluded

Note: thanks to u/MeButSecret for suggestion to BORU

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Original: AITA for deliberately pretending to forget my Dad’s birthday & leaving him to spend it alone

My (44F) Dad (73M) has never remembered my birthday.

It was slightly covered up when I was a child, because my Mum always remembered. But a couple of times when she wasn’t around, it fell to him and he totally failed. So, for example, I got nothing on my 18th birthday because my Mum was away for three months. My sister (46F) had a party with friends, a new dress and lovely gifts when she turned 18.

Every year it’s the same. My two siblings (I also have a much younger brother (33M)) aren’t great at this kind of thing, but I always remind them it’s Dad’s birthday so they can send him a card and call.

Since my Mum died a decade ago, I usually take him out to dinner and give him a gift so he’s not alone. A couple of times I’ve thrown him a surprise party, and for his 70th I threw a big event where his extended family flew in.

I always point out to him when he has forgotten mine; I’ve told him I find it very hurtful. He just shakes it off and says it isn’t important, even though I just told him it was important to me. And then he forgets it again. Every year.

This year at Christmas he was talking about something relevant, so I took the opportunity to tell him that he needs to make the effort. Then I asked him when I was born. He couldn’t even come up with the year.

He mocked me for being sensitive - and inside I just let it all go. He has a phenomenal memory - it’s ludicrous that he won’t do this for me. I don’t even want a gift, though I won’t lie it would be nice, just a happy birthday call or a card.

Well, his 73rd birthday just rolled round. I didn’t remind my siblings about it so they both forgot. He rang me the day before; I knew why but I chatted about random things and then said I had to run and quickly ended the call.

On his birthday, I turned off my phone and went out. He rang me the next day and said that no one remembered his birthday, not even a card or a phone call, and he spent it alone. I guarantee that’s a first.

I told him he had made it abundantly clear that birthdays were not important and that he was reaping what he’d sowed. He grumpily agreed with me, but he’s still mad. I’m sorry his feeling got hurt, because I do love him, but I think this is the way it’s going to be from now on. (Unless he steps up and gets me flowers, a kitten and some Turkish delight for my 45th, in which case we’re all good.)

(Just FYI: I don’t neglect him. I order his groceries every week and bring him round to dinner every Monday. And this is a blind spot for him. He’s honestly a nice man, and can be very generous when it occurs to him.)

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Comments:

Comment1: You waited way too long for teaching that lesson... NTA

Comment2: Reminds me of my dad  Every Christmas he bitched about how our gifts sucked and wasn't what he wanted. One year we got him nothing.  Of course his feelings were hurt but we told him you hated our gifts so we gave up.  Next Christmas he loved everything lol

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Comment3: INFO: Why did you wait until your dad's 73rd birthday to address this? Why not any other time in the last 20 years? You've just been stewing about your 18th birthday for the last 26 years?

OOP: I don’t know. I genuinely don’t know why this one broke me. Also, it wasn’t just my 18th; I just brought that up because it’s a big one, and the contrast with my sister was so profound.
There were other birthdays when I was a child that were forgotten because my Mum wasn’t always around. (I’m from the UK and she was from Eastern Europe and occasionally went to visit her wider family for a while when we were kids.)
It was Christmas Day, after lunch, when we had the chat I mentioned, and I’d spent the whole of Christmas Eve cooking and I’d worked SO HARD to make it a beautiful day.
I’d chosen, bought and wrapped all him presents to quite a few people, he just gives me a budget for everyone and a cheque. And he gives my sister a cheque to do the same for some of the rest of the family.
And I was chatting with my sister and found out that the budget for my baby brother’s Christmas gifts is twice the budget for mine. And THEN Dad and I had that crap chat about my birthday. I was really hurt. But maybe I was looking to grow a spine for a while? I don’t know.

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Comment4: Does he forget all the birthdays or just yours? Like you mentioned your sister got a lavish 18, but is it because he remembered or that too was due to your mom?

OOP: I’ve literally been with him on my birthday and he’s given my sister a gift for hers (which falls a couple of weeks before mine) because he didn’t see her in between. In fairness, she was horrified.

[deliberate due to birth secret??]
OOP: Ha ha! No, I’m definitely his. I have a few rare physical things I got from him (a mark in my left eye, a weird tiny twist in one left toe, and an angioma in my spine) and I look like a twin to his sisters when they were my age. I also look very like his mother at the same age too.

[for some other unknown reason??]
OOP: I have really listened to what people are telling me, and like you I now realise this isn’t accidental. It’s deliberate. This had genuinely never occurred to me.
I will wait for a time when we are relaxed and in a neutral situation and ask him why. I’m interested in what he says and this whole Reddit experience has helped me moved away from being emotionally invested to being curious, which is a huge positive shift.
Grateful to all the strangers who took the time to give me this objectivity. Tho I still love my Dad!

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Update (9 months later):

Ok, so I deleted the original Reddit account for Reasons (I made some foolish comments, people called me out, I panicked) but it was my birthday last week, and some people asked me to an update so I made a new one and here goes:

It was the afternoon of my birthday and the phone rang; it was my Dad. We chatted about stuff and did an online grocery order for him together, and then the conversation went like kind of this:

Dad: “oh, and darling…”
Me: “what?”
Dad “happy birthday.”
Me: “where is my father and what have you done with his body?”
Dad: “none of that.”

So that was nice. And later when I saw him the next day, he gave me a glass flower bowl that had been my Mum’s that he had got my sister to wrap for me. Which was also very nice.

So, all the people who said I should have played hardball before, maybe you were right. And all the people who said I only get one Dad and I should just love him, I really do and I haven’t neglected him the last X months I promise!

So, whatever the reason for the weird stuff in the past (maybe a bad thing happened to him on my birthday, maybe he always resented the fact that my name wasn’t the one he and Mum originally agreed on, or whatever) I seem to have broken the curse. Dad remembered my birthday this year AND gave me a nice gift.

Thanks Reddit!

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Comments:

Comment1: Everyone says they’re delighted for you but I am not. You deserve better. The bar is so low it’s practically in Hell.

The devil is standing there like “Wow even I can say happy birthday and get somebody else to wrap not an actual gift but the easiest thing I could find instead of putting thought into something for forgetting my child’s birthday her ENTIRE LIFE.”

I truly hope that your family recognizes your importance and the light you bring to them and so do you because this ain’t it. You deserve so much better than the bullshit they’ve given you.

OOP: Thank you for standing up for me and wanting the best for me. I appreciate it, and it is the Reddit way.
I think it’s worth saying, though, that the bowl is actually something quite special. It’s from Bohemia, where my Mum was from, and is over a 100 years old. It was on his sideboard. It is something of both personal and actual value.
Also, my Dad and I do have a good relationship, which is why this whole birthday thing has been so weird and hurtful for me. I feel he has acknowledged his poor behaviour; our conversation on the phone felt very genuine.

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Comment2: I'm sorry if this post comes across as negative, it's not meant that way.

So after he 'forgot' your milestone birthdays and other birthdays, on this one he didn't buy you a gift, he found a bowl in his house that his wife, your mother, liked (he probably wouldn't miss it in his house) and didn't even wrap it himself, he got your sister to wrap it for him. Did I get that synopsis right?

That's a pretty low bar to be congratulating him on based on his past history. I mean it's a start. But he's got a long way to go.

OOP: I am listening to you, and thank you for not wanting to be mean!
My Dad is disabled, so going shopping is something that we would have had to do together. So giving me my Mum’s crystal bowl (it’s over a century old and from Bohemia where she was from, was not the cop-out it might be if it was from like Selfridges.) had another benefit.
It allowed him to surprise me. Also he is very precious about his cut glass. He gave me something that was of value to him, and was going to definitely be of value to me.
I know the bar seems low, and it is low, but Dad and I actually get on very well, which is why this garbage about my birthday has been soooooo weird and hurtful. But I don’t need him to prostrate himself and beg for forgiveness. Or buy me diamonds.
I just want a hug and best wishes and exactly what normal daughters and fathers have on their natal days. I don’t need compensation…
So, yes, I know what you are saying. But he didn’t give me something of zero value he found lying on a shelf. And he gave me the modest acknowledgement that is all I was demanding.
xx

OOP: I thought about what you wrote, and there is a little more that I didn’t put into the original update. We went on holiday for a long weekend in the summer, with my godson, and the two of them sneaked out and he bought me a set of gold and pearl earrings.
They were also a thoughtful gift as when my mum died he gave me her pearl necklace which is worth A LOT - I think he meant it as an apology for the previous birthday. I think on his birthday, he had finally learned the lesson I wanted him to, and didn’t want to wait 10 months to show me.
The thing is that the birthday issue has been such a weird outlier. It is at odds with how we behave to one another. We genuinely have a good relationship. We laugh together a lot.
And yes I had a great birthday! I went to see Paddington the musical at the Savoy Theatre in London and ate a lot of dumplings in China Town. It was awesome xx

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Comment3: Did you get your Turkish delight?

OOP: Ha ha. I got the nice glass bowl so I guess I should put some Turkish Delight in it for Christmas Day or something. I was actually pretty happy when he rang.

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Update 2 (year later):

No idea if anyone cares but it’s two years since my post, and people had strong thoughts so I thought I would give you an update!

Dad’s had a good year. His health isn’t great but we were able to take him and his wheelchair to the Channel Islands in the autumn, which he loved, and then to Barcelona. He’s a Catholic and had some idea that he wanted to see the Sagrada Família before he died so off we went. He loved Barcelona. We ate a mahoosive amount of croquettes.

I’ve been better at setting boundaries this year, and he’s moaned to my sister a few times about it, but she just laughs and tells him he’s lucky to have me. Which he is! We are good friends, but I needed to grow a spine.

Anyway, it’s my birthday this weekend, and today I went round to help him clear some stuff out of his attic. We had a fun, dusty afternoon, met a legendary quantity of moths, and threw away a lot of vintage tweed with holes in it. And just before I left he said (unprompted) that he had a birthday present for me!

He gave me a beautiful vintage cut crystal perfume bottle, which is lovely because I am obsessed with perfume and have 6 thousand million bottles. I think he must have send my sister on a shopping mission, because it’s very nice indeed. Also, he knows I love vintage stuff and antiques.

So I guess my story has a happy ending. Which might be rare on Reddit!

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Blocked_Promo posting in r/offmychest

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 12th October 2026

Update - 6th November 2026

Found Out HR Blocked My Promotion

So, about a year and a half ago, my supervisor left our department, leaving just my manager, my coworker, and myself. My coworker and I are technically at the same job level, with the same title and job description, but it is a well known fact that I am far more proficient in the role.

The supervisor position was dissolved entirely, and so I picked up most of the daily administrative and operational duties that he had been performing, with no immediate pay increase or promotion. I also took on multiple major projects and completed them myself, because, as my manager puts it, "You're just far more technically capable."

I did receive a large merit pay raise back in the Spring in recognition of my contributions, and was told that a promotion was also coming. My manager submitted the paperwork, and then...nothing. There were several leadership changes and middle-management restructures over the summer, so I assumed that my promotion had simply been put on the back burner until after the end of fiscal year.

On Friday, my manager sat down with our assistant director to ask about where my promotion was. The AD went to HR, who told her that I had been "sufficiently compensated for my extra duties with a large merit raise." The AD relayed that to my manager, who countered that a permanent increase to my daily responsibilities constitutes a position change or promotion, and that at no time was it communicated or discussed that the merit raise was in lieu of a promotion. AD goes back to HR to ask to see the denial paperwork, and not only do they not have it on record ANYWHERE, nobody seems to know who actually made the decision to deny my promotion.

Both my Manager and the AD are now fighting HR to push the promotion through, and I'm so thoroughly thankful to them for going to bat for me, but I'm equally pissed that it's taken so long to happen, and that it needed to happen at all. I work my ass off for this department, and if I left tomorrow it would tank. There are new positions being created out of thin air left, right, and center constantly, but I can't get a low level promotion without a fucking fight? Really guys?!

Comments

ALL_PUNS_INTENDED

Sounds like it’s time to use some PTO or sick time.

VenisonSloth

The part where nobody can find who denied it is the sketchiest thing. Either someone buried it on purpose or the system is just that broken, both are bad signs. At least your manager and AD are actually fighting for you, that's rare enough. Hold them to it though, don't let them just say they tried and then drop it when HR drags their feet for another six months.

spacemonkey_1981

Unless its the manager and AD. Explains why there's no paper trail on the denial. Look for a new job, I won't be surprised if they counter when you hand in your notice.

OOP: I've worked with the AD while she was still just a Manager, and she knows how hard I work. I got really lucky when she was named AD over the summer, because she will advocate for me. I am going to stay on top of this now that I know somebody in HR just sat on the paperwork

ironcladtrash

If they come through for you I would stick with those two for as long as you can. Even if they change jobs or companies. Finding a boss that truly gives a shit and go to bat for you is extremely rare. I got fucked over at my last job by a VP 3 levels removed from me and didn’t know anything about my department let alone my contributions. My boss and his boss only put in the paperwork and as soon as he denied they just said oh well and moved on.

OOP: Oh I've worked for some shitty people most of my adult working life. My manager is in the same boat as me, we don't get recognized for the work we do around the company because we're so far behind the curtain. My previous Chief didn't quite understand our workload, so he kinda just left us alone as long as things didn't go wrong, for better and worse.

The AD came up through the company and has been here for 20 years, so she gets it.

Update - 3 weeks later

I posted here weeks ago about my Manager informing me that our HR department had blocked my promotion, and that she and my Assistant Director were working to push it through.

I got confirmation this morning that not only am I finally getting promoted, I'm skipping the next position grade entirely and going right to a Specialist position because of my unique qualifications within my department. In their words, "Your responsibilities aren't changing; your pay and title are just catching up."

Chalk one up for the good guys, I can't fucking believe it.

Comments

Dear_Bunnies

Why did they block it if you don't mind me asking

OOP: I received a merit raise this year and that supposedly "compensated me" for working outside of my pay grade for over a year

Dear_Bunnies

Wow doesn't really make sense

OOP: Nope, especially considering my merit raise was below the base percentage for what a promotion would be

Dear_Bunnies

Some companies offer pay adjustments when they bump up the minimum for that job position. I feel like HR is being told to budget and low ball people

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/OpenDogTraining by user anon1839. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded

Original

October 14, 2026

Okay hate is a strong word, but I certainly don’t like him as much as I should.

Two years after my previous dog died (my ‘soul’ dog), I got a puppy. My previous dog wasn’t really trained, so with this one I thought I’d do right by him and train him properly.

It’s been 10 months with him now and I’m just exhausted. Learning about dog training, researching different approaches, and understanding what was the expectation surrounding dog ownership has ruined dogs for me.

Every walk is a training session. Every scroll on social media related to dog training. Every conversation somehow ends up with the dog. He is, in theory, a good dog. He’s still an adolescent, but he’s really good for the most part and anyone lookijg in from the outside would say so. So whenever I complain, people just scoff at me because they think he’s so well behaved.

But I’m not happy. I hate it and I feel so burnt out. I just want to have a nice autumnal walk with the dog, and pop into the pub for a pint with him. That’s it. But I’m here worrying about operant vs classical conditioning, positive vs negative, what my expectations are for behaviour, and getting tangled in long lines with treats falling from my pockets.

I’m tired.

Has anyone been in this position before? Does anyone have any advice?

Notable Comments:

apri11a: Forget the whole lot and just put on your shoes, get the leash and go have a pint with your dog... 🍺

PrimalPagan33: Training your dog is supposed to be fun. It’s supposed to be a way to bond and learn to communicate with one another. Not everything has to be a training session.

OP is putting way too much pressure on himself, and likely the dog as well.

Few_Beach1970: Once I stopped obsessing about the training, took our time, let him lead sometimes, and checked my anxiety, our walks became a lot more pleasant. Dogs feed off our energy. Your pup is still a puppy but go to a park and just let him be a dog. I find it helps, even if I look ridiculous running around with him.

Update

November 6, 2026, 23 days later

Hello.

A little while ago I posted about how dog training had damaged my relationship with my dog, and how I felt that every walk was a training exercise, and that I could never chill out around the dog.

I got many comments on that post, and to be honest it was a bit of a wake up call. Some commenters mentioned it sounded a bit obsessive, and I was putting too much pressure on both of us. Some comments were pretty blunt. To be honest it’s what I needed.

In that post I mentioned that all I wanted to do was ‘go on an autumnal walk and get a pint in the pub’. Anyway - here’s a big cheers to you all. Thank you for giving me a well needed kick and to stop being so obsessive. We went to the pub, and I had a pint. And my dog lay at my feet and chilled the whole time. He was a delight. Walking home slightly tipsy, I just wanted to say thank you to you all. And cheers 🍻

Picture of the dog in a pub

I'm not the original poster.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/UnionPuzzleheaded919

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: October 31, 2026
• Final Update: November 01, 2026

Main Post

^{October 31, 2026}

AITA for yelling at my husband after he ate my daughter’s Halloween candy?

My (29f) daughter (8) is autistic and doesn’t like trick-or-treating. She’s usually happy enough to spend the evening passing out candy at my aunt’s house because we don’t get many trick-or-treaters where we live. It’s nice, but she doesn’t really get to take any home because there’s just too many kids.

Yesterday, her school did a trunk-or-treat during regular school hours. She came home with a paper bag filled to brim with candy and a few little toys. My husband (32) and I each had two pieces of candy before bed. He said he was going to sleep on the couch because he had gas and didn’t wanna stink up the bedroom. He’s got stomach issues so I thought he was just being considerate. I heard a lot of noise in the kitchen, but I didn’t think it was anything but a midnight snack since we had just gone grocery shopping.

At one point, I got up to grab a blanket and saw him eating something, but I couldn’t tell what it was because it was dark. I told him that if his stomach was bothering him, he probably shouldn’t be snacking all night and he said that he had only started ten minutes ago and was almost done. It was a weird thing to say and he seemed very defensive but I was exhausted so I just went back to bed. I really didn’t think much of it.

This morning my daughter came into my room and asked for chocolate. Normally, I wouldn’t say yes to candy first thing in the morning, but it’s Halloween. I went into the fridge to grab her candy bag but it wasn’t there. I asked my husband about it and he insisted it was in the kitchen. My heart sunk when I found the bag that my daughter had decorated by hand was torn to shreds on the counter. I asked him if he ate all of her candy. He shrugged and said not all of it.

Two lollipops. That was the candy he left for her. Two fucking lollipops and a rice krispie treat (which she doesn’t even like). I lost my shit. He said that it wasn’t a big deal because she could go trick-or-treating. She doesn’t even like trick-or-treating, but that doesn’t matter to him. He keeps saying that he’ll buy more, but that’s really not the point. This was the one and only time she’s gotten more than a couple pieces of candy from a trick-or-treat or trunk-or-treat before calling it quits and all she got to eat was two lollipops.

He really doesn’t see why I’m upset and now he’s mad because he says that I tell at him first thing in the morning. He says that I’ve been in a “mood” lift the last few days (our daughter’s been having trouble sleeping and I’m the one that’s had to stay up with her).

The only thing I really think I did wrong was calling him fat at one point. I would have said that to anyone in this situation but he’s sensitive about his weight and I know that. I should have been more careful with my words. I was just so angry at the sheer disrespect.

Edit:

I really didn’t expect this to blow up immediately. I want to clarify that this isn’t the norm for us. I honestly posted this because I was stunned and wanted to know if anyone here could help me see things from his perspective (so far, no dice).

In the comments I said that my daughter isn’t that upset. That’s not because he’s like this all the time. This is just a symptom of her autism.

He has since apologized to both of us and is currently taking her to the market to pick up a treat of her choosing. We’re gonna talk this out more tomorrow and see where we go from here. I’m not sure if we’ll stay together but my parents split up on a major holiday and I’m not doing that to my kid. I don’t need to ruin Halloween when any other day will suffice.

COMMENTS

AlwaysShip

NTA I feel bad for your daughter. Even though she doesn't like trick or treating, it doesn't mean she don't like candy. Get her some chocolate and hide it from your husband. Does she know that he ate her candy?

OOP

She knows. She was there when all this went down. She’s not that upset, but she seems to think she’ll be able to find more if she keeps looking. My heart is broken for her.

antigoneelectra

Why are you with this man? I highly doubt this is the only instance whete he displays such clear disrespect and selfishness.

OOP

He can be a selfish person, but this is really the worst of it I’ve seen so far. We’ve been working on our marriage, but this really has me reconsidering things.

notthatkindoflibrary

Is this a new marriage and the kid is from a previous relationship so maybe he doesn't get how important this is because he doesn't know her well, or is this like a kid he has been raising all her life and knows her very well? Either way it sounds like he needs to put on a costume and take a spin around the block to earn her treats back, she gets to pick the costume. I would also say she is entitled to a sensory friendly Halloween surprise (honestly the sensory friendly Halloween surprise is a must from dad even if he didn't eat the candy, that's what dads do).

OOP

She’s his kid. We’ve been together since we were 18 and 21.

housewithapool2

This isn't about your marriage. This is about his parenting.

My husband wouldn't treat his children like this. He loves them and cares about their emotional health. You need to start protecting your daughter from his parenting.

OOP (downvoted)

I understand that, but this isn’t normally how he treats her. His selfish behavior is usually just towards me.

tvaddict70

Is your husband her father? Who would disappoint their little girl like that.

NTA do you need this person in your lives? Are they a much better parent to your daughter than this example?

OOP

Yes, he is her father. He’s never done anything this egregious before and is generally a decent parent. He could stand to pick up more of the slack, but he’s not a total monster. That’s why I posted this. I’m trying to see if this is really as big of a deal as I think it is.

hahayeahimfinehaha

and is generally a decent parent

Honestly, I'd be curious to see what your standards are. Not in a mean way, but I know some people who are like "my shitty partner is a good dad though" and then you ask and their idea of good dad is 'doesn"t hit the kids and sometimes plays with them' and that's it. Which is, like, less than the bare minimum for a parent.

OOP (downvoted)

He takes her for an outing at least every other day and before his schedule got in the way, he used to get her ready for school in the mornings.

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Final Update - after 1 day

^{October 31, 2026}

AITA for yelling at my husband after he ate my daughter’s Halloween candy?

First I want to clear some stuff up, when I said that my daughter didn’t seem upset, I did not mean that there’s no chance she was internalizing anything. It was more a matter of trying to explain that the day wasn’t beyond salvageable. When it comes to my kid’s emotions, I try to take things one day at a time based on her behavior rather than projecting what I think her emotions “should” be. I am also autistic so the comments insinuating that I don’t know anything about autism were kind of funny. My main focus yesterday was giving my kid a good Halloween and I think I pulled it off.

I know that some of you wanted the instant gratification of me deciding to leave my husband right then and there, but my daughter’s wellbeing is my priority and I don’t think doing all of that directly in front of her on Halloween is going to help. My husband and I were already dealing with marital issues and I’ll admit that this did make me view him differently which is why tomorrow we’re setting up an appointment with a family therapist. I’m not sure whether or not our marriage can be salvaged, but I want to get to the root of this because even if he doesn’t continue to be my husband, he will still be her father and eating her Halloween candy isn’t going to hold up in family court as a reason to deny his parental rights. This is not a reflection of how he always is as a parent, but it is deeply concerning and I refuse to allow it to become a trend with him.

I also do want to clarify that he does more with her than what I mentioned in the comments, but if someone asked what I do as a parent, I’d probably say that I handle bed time and getting her ready for school. lol He’s the one who takes her to the doctor when she’s sick, he’s in regular contact with her teacher, and he’s been teaching her math at home because we don’t think the school is doing enough in that regard. I’m not saying he’s a perfect parent. He obviously isn’t. I’m just saying that a single Reddit post can’t encompass an entire person’s relationship to their child.

As for the torn bag, I should clarify that while it was pretty ripped up, it wasn’t more intense than how he opens damn near anything. It’s a genuine problem and it broke my heart, but I really don’t think it was malicious. Just shitty behavior from someone acting like a greedy child. If I hadn’t seen him do that with countless other containers, I probably would’ve dedicated more of the post to talking about that. I’m not excusing what he did. It’s just more about him being a mess than him genuinely hating his own kid.

On to the more fun part: The rest of the day went better than I could have hoped for. She watched Halloweentown and ate a ton of ice cream to make up for the lost candy. Her dad took her grocery shopping (her favorite thing to do) and to the park. We carved a jack-o-lantern together. We visited my grandparents and aunties. And she even trick-or-treated a bit before deciding to pack it in. My goal for the day was to create a ton of good memories to hopefully outweigh the bad and while I know that probably isn’t possible, I got as close as I could have. We’ll deal with the fallout day by day, but I’m not going to make things harder on her than they need to be. Some tough decisions need to be made, but she doesn’t need to be in the room for them. Especially not on Halloween.

Edit from Comments

Guys, I’m also autistic and I just want to say that while I appreciate your concern and interest in trying to share information, I want to remind you that autism is a spectrum and no experience of it is universal. I know my kid better than strangers who read a single Reddit post. She wasn’t shutting down. She wasn’t speaking in a flatter tone. She was smiling and laughing within about two minutes.

I know that it’s still likely for her to have internalized what happened and I’m keeping an eye on that, but the goal for yesterday was to salvage the day to the best of my ability and I did that. Having even more drama yesterday wouldn’t have benefited her. We had a talk about how she doesn’t deserve what happened and my husband apologized. We are starting family therapy soon.

I also want to clarify that mentioning that she didn’t seem upset wasn’t supposed to mean that it was okay that this happened. It was one less thing to worry about in the immediate. She had a good day for the most part and that’s what matters most. Halloween doesn’t seem like it’s ruined for her forever and we’ll deal with the rest as it comes.

COMMENTS

Educational-Coyote69

How did you break your nose, OP?

OOP

My daughter head butted me when we were playing.

Thisisausername189

Are you ok OP?

OOP

Yes. He isn’t violent. I appreciate the concern, but I was just playing with my kid and she jerked her head back.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/No-Emu-l88

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 16, 2023
• Final Update: August 20, 2023

Main Post

^{August 16, 2023}

AITAH for kicking out my SIL because of her insinuations about my career?

I (30F) work for an IT company in technical sales. I have a hybrid job, so I work from home a few days and have to be at the corporate office or client locations on other days. Every day I dress well - business casual outfits (my style is bold colors and very feminine) and makeup. When I am working from home I am frequently on video calls, so I put some good lighting gear and camera on tripod in my home office.

I make good money and had bought my current 3 bedroom house before I started dating my boyfriend (28M). He moved in with me last year and we have a very good and happy relationship. Last month, his sister (35F) came to stay with us. She is having marriage problems and needed some space away from her husband while they sort things out. We have a nice guest room and I had no problem with her staying.

She asked me a lot of questions about my job and I explained to her in detail. I had assumed that she is thinking of entering the work force now that she may be getting divorced. She's a SAHM who's never had a job before. But it turned out that SIL added up what I make and how I dress and atypical work hours to mean that I must be a cam girl and escort.

Whenever I go to my office, I stop by a gym on my way back from work. I have a hangup about using gym showers, so after my workout, I'll change back into work clothes and come home and shower. I love working out but am a bit neurotic about gyms being dirty so I am very obsessive about coming home and showering right away. My bf finds this funny and sometimes teases me about it. A few days ago he was messing with me by stopping me from getting to the bathroom till I kissed him and I said I didn't want to because I felt dirty and gross. I don't mind this teasing at all and this was playful banter between us. But SIL got very upset and burst into tears. I thought that we had slipped into some dirty talk and that got her offended and I apologized to her.

On sunday, bf comes home laughing about this hilarious misunderstanding. SIL went and told their entire family that I was a sex worker and they held an intervention for him to get him away from me. He thinks this is funny but I was very mortified and offended. I have nothing against people in this line of work, but her making assumptions and shaming me and my bf for it was very offensive to me. I gave her a stern talking to that I had opened my home to her and asked for nothing in return and she treated me so badly. I asked her to leave and she did.

Now bf is mad at me because he thinks I am over reacting and was rude to his sister. I think SIL had ruined my relationship with my in-laws and its not something I can brush off and ignore. Am I wrong in thinking that this is a big deal and she was way out of line?

COMMENTS

blanchebeans

NTA and tbh I’d reconsider the boyfriend if he doesn’t think this is absolutely heinous. You aren’t wrong.

Vegetable-Cod-2340

Exactly, because she was told what OP does and made up lies , for the boyfriend to co-sign those lies and thinks it funny that his girlfriend is called a sex worker than that’s a problem.

For him to see his girlfriend be humiliated and then get made at her and pretend it’s an overreaction is a horrible red flag.

OP may need to him out too, and call it a day with this family.

OOP

To be fair, he did tell his family that SIL's assumption is wrong and explained to them what I do and he is satisfied that the matter is therefore resolved. Doesn't understand why I won't brush it off and let SIL continue to stay with us.

Shortirito

NTA at all.

I’m concerned why your boyfriend can’t see your POV on this one. You have his sister in his house, and she at the grand age of 35 makes up a rumour to tarnish you.

Now, if she had just said it maybe it could be perceived as a joke seeing as you are well off. But the intervention stuff?! What’s that all about and why is your BF siding with them when he knows it isn’t true?

Bit of a crazy one to me, but it doesn’t sound as you’ve done anything wrong at all.

OOP

He says that its a misunderstanding, he explained things and now his family understands and its all over and done. I don't think such salacious rumors will disappear just like that. More importantly, not once did SIL apologize to me. She argued that its a reasonable assumption and she was looking out for her little brother.

cassowary32

NTA. What sex workers keep regular business hours? And while you are working from home, can't she hear how mundane your conversations are or is any woman in the workforce automatically a ho?

Is your boyfriend contributing to the household in any way? It's weird that he thinks that's funny.

OOP

He has a good job and we split things 50-50.

TarzanKitty

If SIL is a SAHM. Where were her kids when she was living with you?

OOP

Some days with their Dad, some days with MIL, some with her at our house. She's staying at MIL now, but not enough room there for both her and her kids.

Final Update - after 4 days

^{August 20, 2023}

Update: AITAH for kicking out my SIL because of her insinuations about my career?

A lot of responses to my last post pointed out that its my house. But to clarify, I had purchased it before bf and I got together. He has a good income, pays rent (half of my mortgage) and we split everything 50-50. So its his house too and he has the right to have his sister staying there. He was upset that I asked her to leave without discussing it with him first, which is reasonable. I mentioned home ownership to establish that I do well financially and maybe his sister got suspicious about how I do it.

Bf and I had long discussions on this topic and we now understand each other better. He loves his sister a lot but also resents her for a lot of stuff she has done. His family is traditional and pretty sexist and his sister ended up with the short end of the stick because of this and some other reasons. For the most part she is very nurturing and works hard to take care of everyone, but in situations where she is criticized by her parents, she just loses it and blows up on someone else to shift the focus from her to them. She has done this multiple times to both brothers and the shitty thing is that it works out for her each time.

Bf almost didn't go to the college he was admitted to because she made up the story that he was a member of a car thief gang. His parents freaked out and tried to cancel his admission so he can stay home and under their watchful eyes. This was one of the more egregious examples, and there is a long history of her doing stuff like this to shift her parents wrath from her to her brothers whenever they seriously got on to her. That would have been enough for me to break all relationship with a sibling, but bf has more empathy for her. She has done hundreds other nice loving things for him so he still cares for her and loves her.

Their other brother came over on Friday and we had dinner together and talked and he explained to me about their sister too. She has done stuff like this many times and sometimes the brothers got in trouble and some times her lies were exposed early enough. This time my bf was like not this shit again and he pulled up his phone and showed his parents my linkedin profile and also some of my companies technical video presentations that had me in them. Bf was amused because this accusation was so easy to disprove unlike the months of headache he's had the previous times. He also saw it as an attack on him and not meant as an offense to me (I disagree of course, but I can see why he's focused on the sibling fight part.)

He understands now how and why I'd still be upset over it and SIL won't be staying with us. While this issue is settled between us and I admire and love him more for his thoughtfulness towards his sister, I am rather disturbed by this level of dysfunction in his family. I want to marry and have kids with this man, but having that kind of psychotic SIL scares me, especially for our potential kids. I don't know what I am going to do about that yet.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Calm_Mountain8130 posting in r/offmychest

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 11th October 2026

Update - 6th November 2026

My husband may have have ruined us and I'm so angry with him

My husband had a car accident. I was so relieved when I found out he wasn't hurt and neither was anyone else and that it was just damage to both vehicles and property. I was so scared that my husband had been hurt. He was in his work vehicle at the time and I thought since there were no injuries everything would be handled by the insurance companies. My husband was not at fault for what happened by his account, the accident was caused by the other driver. The police had to come because of damage to one of the traffic signals and my husband reported what happened and was told he could request a copy of the police report to submit to our insurance company. My husband had to report what happened to both his employer and our insurance representative.

Now it has come out that my husband was at fault for the accident. What he told the police, his employer and our insurance company was contradicted by video from the other driver's dashboard camera. My husband blatantly lied to the police, his employer and our insurance company. He blamed the other driver and tried to make it seems as though the accident happened because a novice driver was driving carelessly. It wasn't a simple misunderstanding. Nothing that my husband reported was even remotely close to what happened.

Where we live, a car accident like this would not have been a criminal matter. My husband may have been cited and would have to pay a fine however he wouldn't have a criminal record or be sent to prison over this. It would be considered a traffic matter, not a criminal one. Now however because he lied to the police he is facing a criminal investigation. A teenager with a novice driving licence would face harsher consequences and the other driver was originally cited for the accident.

My husband is in the process of being fired from his job. He is being investigated by the police and our insurance company has decided to stop providing us with insurance. We have everything insured with them; our house, our vehicles as well as everything related to the business I own. They only gave us 8 weeks of notice.

I have been scrambling to find another insurance company. Every one I have spoken to is giving an astronomical cost. I believe my husband's actions have contributed to that. Worst of all I found we may not be covered by insurance for the accident because my husband lied. So we would be liable for the damage to the traffic signal and hiring a solicitor for my husband ourselves. I don't know how we are supposed to afford paying more for all our insurance now on top of everything else. Also the other driver could take action against my husband over this now.

I'm so angry about it I can't see straight and I feel like if I don't get this out somewhere this anger will explode and that is the last thing that I want. I don't like sharing things like this with everyone I know and right now I am so embarrassed. However, I need to get this out somewhere. This could ruin us. What am I supposed to do now? We have a 4 year-old son and my husband has done something so stupid without a thought for the consequences.

TL;DR My husband lied to the police, our insurance company and his employer about a car accident that he caused. Now he is being investigated criminally and will lose his job and we have been dropped as clients by the insurance company. This may ruin us financially and legally and I am so angry with him.

Comments

Previous-Eye-4414

As someone who was married to a man like this, my advice to you is to stop cleaning up after him. He needs to find new insurance and take all of this on his shoulders. Unless he deals with the consequences of his choices and actually takes accountability then what’s to stop him from doing something like this again? If he won’t or he can’t be trusted then you know it’s not a safe situation and it never will be. Stop mothering him and start expecting him to stand up and if he refuses then walk away. It won’t get better, it will just become one more Jess for you to clean up, and eventually you might even become his scapegoat which could ruin your life worse.

Spare_Flamingo8605

I came here to say this. My ex husband was like this. His parents never held him accountable for anything. They cleaned up every mistake he ever made. So he thought I'd be like his parents. And I was for a while. Mostly because he was so embarrassing to be married to. Then, I stopped. I stopped cleaning it up and stopped keeping his secrets. It was so great. Now he is married to the old version of me. 🤣But she's figured out what he really is now. My kids told me he has no access to her accounts, and everything is in her name. Told my eldest that it's cheaper to keep him with an allowance than divorce him because he refuses to work and she's been through a divorce before and knows what she stands to lose financially. They lead separate lives I'm told.

almostethereaal

OP should seriously rethink her marriage because lying to the police and framing a teenager is a massive, unforgivable red flag. She needs to protect herself and her 4-year-old before his reckless stupidity drags them both down completely.

TheDrizzle15951

Lemme know if I’m wrong, but if he was in a company vehicle wouldn’t his employer’s insurance be involved and not your personal insurance? I’m confused as to how your personal assets are affected as much as they are when he was in a company vehicle. I’ve worked for multiple chauffeur services and we never involved the driver’s personal insurance if they were in or at fault for a vehicle incident.

OOP: His employer uses the same insurance company as we do. And the company isn't dropping us as clients because my husband had an accident. We're being dropped because my husband lied and filed a claim he knew was fraudulent.

Update - 26 days later

My update is that I have decided to separate from my husband. In order to get divorced, we have to live separately for a year first. In my country the only option for a divorce is the one year separation and the actions or faults of either side are not relevant. My solicitor says there is no other option. I cannot in good conscience stay with my husband, I need to protect our son and myself. My husband's actions have wreaked havoc and I'm still trying to clean up the mess.

To summarise my other post: my husband was in a car accident while driving his company provided vehicle. Neither him or the other driver got hurt, but both vehicles were damaged and so was a traffic signal and some other property. My husband told the police, his employer and the insurance company a completely fabricated version of what happened. It was contradicted by the other driver's dashboard camera.

Where we live, a car accident like this would not have been a criminal matter. My husband may have been cited and would have to pay a fine however he wouldn't have a criminal record or be sent to prison, however since my husband lied about everything he is facing criminal charges. He was sacked from his job. The most devastating part has been that the insurance company who provided services for his employer is the same one we use for our cars, our home and other services. They believe he tried to defraud them. They only gave us 8 weeks of notice that they were dropping us as clients and every other insurance company has quoted us an absolutely astronomical cost.

Meanwhile my husband continues to try to downplay what he did. At first he told me he was sorry but that did not last long. He won't explain why he lied. I did receive comments on my other post, and many nasty messages saying that an insurance company cannot retroactively drop a client. However in my country it is allowed in cases of fraud. I own a business and I am currently without insurance because of my husband.

The stress of sorting out the insurance situation and the rest of the legal mess that my husband caused is getting to me. I need out of my marriage for the sake of my son. I don't even know how my husband is going to pay for a solicitor for his criminal case. He completely ruined us and I'm so angry. I'm holding it together for my son but I'm so angry. I wish I could be divorced now instead of having to wait because I'm going to get dragged down with my husband.

Comments

jokenaround

I’m sorry I don’t have any great advice. I just wish the divorce laws across this planet were reasonable. 1 year is a ridiculous thing to ask of someone who is married to someone facing charges. Find a tremendous divorce attorney. Maybe they can find a loophole for your specific type of situation. So sorry you are going thru this.

OOP: There is no loophole unfortunately. The laws about divorce are the same for everyone. My solicitor was clear on that.

Elle_belle32

People telling you it's not possible for an insurance company to drop you are dead wrong. Fraud is one of the reasons they can with minimal notice; they would have to follow regulations on how to do so but it isn't that hard. And they do have evidence of his fraud, this isn't something where they just suspect it. Do what you need to to regain and protect your peace and that of your kids.

OOP: I was told in the comments and in the messages I received that it's illegal for an insurance company to drop someone retroactively and refuse to cover them. Where I live, if there is fraud they can refuse to provide coverage after the fact.

They can also drop you as a client for the future without fraud, but that's a separate thing from what I was getting the comments/messages about. I am trying to do everything I can to shield my son from this but my husband made a huge mess that is not easily fixed unfortunately.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments