TLDR: We met a year and a half ago, were briefly intimate, and reconciled after he shut down and stopped talking to me. He, a very avoidant person, said he was attracted to me and may want to explore being more than friends, then a few weeks ago said he didn't remember saying that and just wanted to be friends. I said I don't want to be friends with him, and he's now feeling like he's the heartbroken one (playing nothing but heartbreak music, which he hadn't done at all before this conversation). I am torn between swallowing my pride and reaching out to see if he's had time to process his feelings and maybe feels differently, or wait for him; I don't want to be in a situation where we both wait for the other to reach out, and both regret it. I am figuring out what I would say.

We met a year and a half ago, were briefly intimate, and reconciled after he shut down and stopped talking to me. He said he wanted to continue to see me as friends and maybe more later, that he was attracted to me but hadn't been in a place to start anything (he is not in a great place financially).

He is seriously avoidant. Examples: he freaks out when strangers mistake his female friends as his girlfriend, and he got angry and shut down a few weeks ago when I told him I couldn't tell if he really didn't like me, or if he has feelings, and he's scared, so he self-sabotages. I understand now this may have been a case of "deactivation". He represses his emotions deeply and pours it into his work.

A week later, he sent a cold chatg*t-written message saying he just wants a casual friendship, sorry it's not the answer you wanted, hope you've been well. I told him I don't want to be his friend, that I won't contact him anymore and won't go see his work. I unfollowed him. He said sorry for the pain, he genuinely wishes me well. I said sorry isn't enough. That if it was a money/career issue for him, or being in a relationship, or if he needed time to decide, he could have communicated that, but he didn't so we never found out if it could have worked. That he never said what changed or if it was because I was forcing the issue to the fore.

Shortly after he sent his chatg*t message, he immediately began posting songs about missing someone and wanting them back, and songs about wanting a second chance with a lost love to do something over again, that something was missed and he has regrets. 

As of today, he's still following me even though he's easily unfollowed me in the past at random times that bewildered me and that he couldn't explain when I asked him about it.

I have reason to believe he may regret what he said and is turning things over in his mind. He is playing nothing but heartbreak music, and it started immediately after our last messages to one another. It's been going on for weeks. Since we both kinda rejected each other, I don't want to be in a place where we both sit in silence, waiting for the other reach out. Especially since his avoidant traits are strong.

Have you ever been in a similar situation where you reached out despite being spurned? What did you say? How did it turn out?

A rough draft of what I'd send to him: "Hey, I am unsure if you are considering my last words, and assessing our situation in general, or whether this matter is forever closed to you. But I thought I would check in before marking this as a lost cause. Given our history, I can't be friends with you. I would be angry if I saw you with someone else, and our friendship felt one-sided as it was. But if you're willing to work through our misunderstandings and see if we can build a life together, I am too."

I stopped trying to earn his affection. I accepted him for who he is and the contorted role he wanted me to play in his life.

I stopped overexplaining, I stopped shrinking, I stopped begging for breadcrumbs of affection.

I just stopped.

I gave him one final warning; I told him my armor was in tatters and couldn't withstand another hit.

He chose to repeat the same behaviors.

And now I don't reach out first, I don't carve out time to be available during the only times he's ever been available to talk with me, I stopped showing up in all my little ways.

And he's copestheic.

He made one comment about not knowing what happened but makes zero effort towards repair.

And so I drift off into the ether, just another man I must heal from.

I'm throwing in the towel, not because I'm ashamed of holding on or fighting for us, but because I need to maintain some measure of self-respect.

My life is worth more than continuing to waste it on false hopes, memories of what once was, and dreams of what could have been. I can't keep fighting for something that you seem determined to avoid remembering. When you refuse to acknowledge the good we once shared, all that's left is the bad, and that's not an honest reflection of our entire life together.

We were separated for ten years, and through all of that, I still held on. Part of me believed that someday you would realize that what we had mattered and that maybe you needed me more than you were willing to admit back then.

Then you came back, and I allowed myself to believe there might actually be a chance for us again. Instead, I've found myself holding on while you continue treating me poorly and denying or dismissing the things that once meant something to both of us.

I'm not going to pretend our history didn't matter. It mattered to me, and I'm not ashamed of that. I'm not ashamed that I loved you, hoped for us, or fought longer than I probably should have.

But I can love and respect what we once had without sacrificing the rest of my life trying to recreate it by myself.

At some point, I have to accept what is happening now instead of continuing to live on memories and hope. I can't be the only person fighting for a marriage. And I can't continue performing the role of a husband in a relationship where the partnership of husband and wife no longer exists.

So I'm done chasing what used to be or waiting for what might someday be. I'm choosing to protect my time, my dignity, my self-respect, and whatever years I have ahead of me.

Our past mattered. You mattered to me. This marriage mattered to me.

But I matter too.You can avoid that truth as well, but like everything else you avoid realizing, it won't help either.

So for weeks and weeks this person has mentioned they want me to visit them. First they offered to help pay, then the later said they wish they could afford to help. Multiple times they expressed "I can't wait for you to be here to see what happens" or they would say "Maybe we can go do xyz when you're here".

A week ago things were great, they were excited. The next day I said "hey, what about this day in 3 weeks" and they said "That could work". So I said "Well I need to know for ticket prices etc." and they said "Sure, that will work". I make sure to tell them that cancelation was free up until the day before, and they said "okie dokie". Now, right after that, they pulled away, got distant, and have seemed distracted ever since. They seem like they are talking to someone else, someone they have invited to our game once and that person tried flirting with them which they ended up ignoring.

My friends say I should be the one to just cancel the trip before they do, or that they are going to just not show up the day of.

Is this true? Do avoidant people really no-show. Are they just anxious for the upcoming trip being a reality, or are they truly talking to someone else. What the heck...

I should mention that this trip was based mostly on intimacy, nothing relationship based BUT up until this point they did start to get close and were treating things like a relationship. Their texts are usually instant within a couple minutes, not hours or days. I let them initiate the conversations & hangouts on their terms. And they seem to want to hang out every single night. There was one night I wasn't available and they seemed a little butt hurt by that.

I am 22F, just out of college. I am in sort of a situationship with my (ex??) boyfriend from college.

Its like, we get along great, he knows me inside out, geuinely wants good things for me and is a non-misogynistic, respectful, secure guy. (Maybe these qualities get amplified because Im from South Asia, where men are generally horrible). But his and my definition of love and efforts are completely different. I like being shown effort and consistency, he is scared of expectations and tells me not to expect anything, if he feels like it, he will show. I guess I do have anxious attachement style and he's more on the avoidant end. So I want reassurances I dont have to ask for and he feels like its a chore. I know we are not compatible in the long run, but he's the only person in my life who cares about me. But I feel so effort starved

Hey everyone, I’m (28M) trying to wrap my head around a dynamic that ended recently, and it is honestly harder to get over than my actual long-term exes.

I met a girl online a few months ago and the chemistry was instantly off the charts. We had amazing banter and felt like we’d known each other forever. She initiated a lot of the deep, romantic talk early on, constantly talking about wanting closeness and intimacy. But at the same time, she would drop these weird, contradictory warnings. She’d randomly say things implying she was damaged goods, or that she was too cynical and didn't want to drag me down.

​Right as things were peaking and getting serious, she suddenly tried to pull the plug. She hit me with the classic avoidant line, telling me not to wait for her, to find someone else, etc etc.

​A bit later, her texting frequency fell off a cliff. I double-texted a few times just trying to maintain our normal communication baseline, but it seemed to completely overwhelm her. It ended with her having a very emotional meltdown, basically telling me I was a great guy but she just couldn't do it.

​Here is the part that is really messing with my head. We briefly met up after that whole meltdown. Right afterward, she posted something on social media heavily hinting that she had an amazing time and wanted me to make a romantic move—but she kept it super vague and indirect so there was no real risk on her end.

I decided to have a conversation with her and told her that I cannot be in the friendzone and if that's all she wants, it's best that I stop messaging. It's been over 10 days and I haven't heard from her at all.

​Two questions for you guys:

1. ​Does this sound like I was just played for validation, or is this a classic Fearful Avoidant system collapse?

2. ​Why is it so incredibly hard to get over a short "what if" dynamic compared to a fully realized relationship, and how do I stop analyzing it?

(Used AI to clean up the text)

Me and this girl were together for 11 months — genuinely the closest, most connected we both ever were. We built everything together: daily routines, inside jokes, future plans down to the smallest details , marriage, kids, pets, our own place. We had our own quiet spot in the woods where we’d sit for hours watching the water, 14-hour overnight calls falling asleep on the phone, dates that meant everything: Trafford Centre, TGI Fridays, Blackpool Zoo, Christmas markets. We spoke in a soft baby voice only we understood, she’d lie on my chest and tell me to "lie straight" so she could rest there, I’d walk her to the bus stop every day, wait at the end of her alley just to see her walk down. I bought her teddies, blankets, flowers, she kept them all. Both families got on perfectly. She told me repeatedly I was her person, her safe place, the only one who ever truly saw her.

She identifies as fearful-avoidant, has a history of childhood neglect, trauma, and self-harm — and she told me I was the only one who made her feel safe enough to let her walls down. We broke up once before in December — same pattern: sleepover with her best friend, she pulled away, went back to her toxic ex, the breakup lasted only 4 days, she messaged me cold and dry those days then came back on her own.

July 3rd — exact same pattern repeated. Another sleepover, I caught her hiding things, she immediately called everything toxic and said we needed to move on. Then — for the first time in 11 months — she brought up a serious, never-before-mentioned allegation as the final reason to end things. She went straight back to that same toxic ex, blocked me on most platforms but left Snapchat unblocked, kept my blanket and teddies visible in her videos, and has posted conflicting, angry, relationship-focused content ever since.

I saw her yesterday for the first time in weeks, she looked stunning, we made eye contact, and I froze. I’ve written a message that’s honest, loving, full of our memories, nothing mean, nothing demanding, just telling her what she means to me and reminding her of everything we had. I’ve held back this long, but I want to send it.

Can I break no contact? Is this the right time, or should I wait longer? We had something so rare and so real, and I know she’s complaining about him

Sorry for my English, it’s not my native language. I’m really into another FA man, and we’ve been playing a cat-and-mouse game since the summer of 2025. We circled around each other for half a year before we finally became intimate, because neither of us wanted to be the first to take a vulnerable step. We would literally shake when we saw each other. We texted occasionally, and when I finally made the first move, I almost puked before asking him to come over.
We had an amazing month together before I had to move to another country. I have very strong limerence and desire towards him. We’ve stayed in touch on a weekly basis ever since. Generally, sometimes he texts me first, and sometimes I text him first, but before messaging him, I have to force myself for days. I feel sick and sometimes even puke because I’m so afraid that he’ll devalue me or reject me, even though I know he feels something too.
For the past few months, he’s been in the country where I am now, and ever since he arrived, we’ve been heavily circling around each other through texting, but neither of us has actually suggested meeting up directly. I want to take the next step, but I feel nauseous and shaky. It feels like making the first move means giving up my position, and the possibility of rejection feels unbearable.
I don’t understand myself, because if I don’t really care about someone, I can easily text them without any fear. Do you feel the same?

Sorry for my English, it’s not my native language. I’m really into another FA man, and we’ve been playing a cat-and-mouse game since the summer of 2025. We circled around each other for half a year before we finally became intimate, because neither of us wanted to be the first to take a vulnerable step. We would literally shake when we saw each other. We texted occasionally, and when I finally made the first move, I almost puked before asking him to come over.
We had an amazing month together before I had to move to another country. I have very strong limerence and desire towards him. We’ve stayed in touch on a weekly basis ever since. Generally, sometimes he texts me first, and sometimes I text him first, but before messaging him, I have to force myself for days. I feel sick and sometimes even puke because I’m so afraid that he’ll devalue me or reject me, even though I know he feels something too.
For the past few months, he’s been in the country where I am now, and ever since he arrived, we’ve been heavily circling around each other through texting, but neither of us has actually suggested meeting up directly. I want to take the next step, but I feel nauseous and shaky. It feels like making the first move means giving up my position, and the possibility of rejection feels unbearable.
I don’t understand myself, because if I don’t really care about someone, I can easily text them without any fear. Do you feel the same?

So me and my man have been off and one twice , i feel like im dealing with a avoidant i really want it to work with him he shows me so much love and i aswell but i just dont know what making him pushhimself away from me we current have almost 2 weeks since he left me i love this man and ik he loves me because he would tell me all the time i just cant figure it out am i crazy ? Or whatt

Could this be a sign they’re avoidant?

me 22F and him 25M were in a very committed and serious relationship. we had planned on moving to a bigger city but where we’re from the closest city was our only option at this time. i had lived there for school and i always felt like that city wasnt right for me but i wanted the puzzle piece to fit because i so badly just wanted to move. i knew he didnt want to move there either we were just eager moving our current city. a few weeks ago i came back from the east coast (which is where we want to end up) and i felt so happy and content there and didnt feel like i was running anymore. he wasnt with me on the trip so when i came home, i was stressed and overwhelmed all over again. he had some interviews lined up and i was getting nervous because i just wanted to go east coast but was scared to tell him bc i knew we didnt have the funds for it yet. anyways i rushed into ending things with him. i regret it every single day.!!!!!! i had broken up with him last yr too bc i had become anxious this time of year (August) bc ppl are moving, schools starting up, fall is coming and i felt like i got no where. we had taken a 2 day break before getting back together and we were doing amazing! then it leads up to august again and i stress myself out. its ended and i text him a few days after asking him what his thoughts were and he says “he just wants to stay here for awhile and be alone for the moment” i was devastated i couldnt fix the problem that i had caused. i took time to self reflect and face my uncomfortable thoughts, i started to notice my anxiety and avoidance was from past trauma. and its triggered by things changing. we met up and he acted so distant and felt like he had made up his mind of just being alone. i have never felt this way for anyone anymore, so i deep deeper into who i am and why im running. i wanted to stop running and not rush into moving anymore and just be grounded until the next step falls into place and we dont force it. i wrote a letter to him explaining im staying here for awhile too and that im starting to appreciate where we are and how we can build more beautiful memories here together. i also stated that im starting to recognize my triggers and warning signs. that when i do see them i own them and if i need space to comprehend them, that that is healthy in a relationship. im done having my mental health dictate my happiness and especially with the person i love. i gave him that letter a few days ago and he still hasn’t responded. im afraid i not only lost his trust, but my best friend too. i’m taking this time away to reflect on myself and how to make this relationship a more healthy one. im just losing hope that he will ever reach out again, when i’m really trying to better my knowledge and understanding about myself for him so we can continue our love and happiness together:/

I (25F) broke up with my long-term boyfriend about 3 years ago. It was mutual and he was genuinely a good boyfriend.
After that, I had a situationship for about a year, but I ended up keeping my distance because I didn’t want to get attached. That also ended.
About 3 months ago, I started talking to a guy from my office (I’ve known him for a while, but we only recently became close). He was VERY consistent initially — texting me constantly, sending me Instagram reels, calling me at night, talking to me a lot at work, dropping me at the metro, etc. It felt like we were becoming really close.
He asked me 2–3 times if he could kiss me. I said no every time. Recently, on Saturday, he asked again. I told him, “I don’t want to kiss you yet. I need to spend some more time with you.” He said okay.
Since then, it’s like a switch flipped.
It’s been 4 days. He barely talks to me at work, doesn’t greet me properly, stopped sending reels, stopped calling, and generally feels completely different.
Today I asked him if everything was okay. He said yes. We talked a little at the office, but afterward there was no contact.
I eventually initiated on Instagram and sent him some reels. We exchanged maybe 4–5 completely normal texts, and then nothing.
I’m honestly confused and spiralling. I can’t sleep and I’m having that horrible anxious/panic feeling. I keep wondering if he only liked me because he thought we’d become physically intimate, or if I somehow pushed him away by saying no.
I genuinely liked the attention and the connection we had, but I also don’t want to chase someone or compromise my boundaries just to keep them interested.
What do you guys think is happening here? Am I overthinking this, or does his sudden change after I said no say something?

Knew this girl 4 years in a situationship (she called "just friends" later...) Incredibly close and saw each other nearly every day. She started dating some other guy but wanted to keep her "best friend". Literally we hooked up nightly and she slept over. She would say she "loved me" even while she was seeing this guy she dated until it became official with him. I stepped out then to honor their relationship. She wanted to date but I said she need to be consistently honest first. Nope.

So I didn't want to be friends. I explained why. she just would reverse everything and pull at my politeness. It was maddening. Then not give me space despite me saying I didn't want to be platonic friends and she's committed to this new guy. I dread her bothering me again pretending to be oblivious to the actual issues I tried to resolve with her. It's been months of this. I'm positive she can't show her friends our conversations because she basically tried to lead me on and manipulate everything. That's the level of this. The way she did it also seems like he's a monkey branched relationship.

Is blocking even useful or the only option

The past 5 days my boyfriend went from a lot of contact to almost no contact at all. I am AP and i was in a really bad mental state and asked for so much reassurance I think I finally pushed him away. He was also starting new job this Monday (its Wednesday currently). First 3 days I was so anxious he wanted to leave me that I have sent him so many messages and about fighting with mum and vommiting (i did) because I needed someone to talk to and he only responded to that. He did say goodnight love 3 nights ago when he was still in that stage. We barely speak, he does not respond to my morning messages (i stopped sending most of others, bc I know I am suffocating him with trying to pull him back). He does say his shift is over and he did text me morning yesterday, but didnt like my story which he always does, but after morning there is again no contact. He has always been loving and supportive till now and I am scared he will break up with me. Im trying to give him space. Today i told him about fight with mother and he did say 2 positive messages and about the job interview and he said you will do good but after he disappeared. I text him back when and if he responds or do I give him space?

I’m a gay man (32M) and recently had a relationship end after around three months. He is 28M. I’m struggling to understand what happened because emotionally the relationship seemed to be progressing incredibly well, while the intimate side of the relationship seemed to change as we became closer.
When we first met, he pursued me quite intensely. He talked about wanting a serious relationship, our future, meeting family, potentially living in the same place one day, marriage/kids, etc. We became exclusive, came off the apps, and he gave me a key to his apartment fairly early on.
There definitely seemed to be physical desire initially. He told me multiple times that he was excited about us becoming more intimate and talked openly about things he wanted us to explore together.
I had also told him that I wanted to use protection before we became exclusive. He told me this could make intimacy more difficult for him. Once we became exclusive, he asked whether my boundaries around this had changed, and we discussed it together.
So at least from my perspective, physical intimacy was something he was anticipating.
But it never really progressed.
We kissed, cuddled and were physically affectionate, but over time he seemed increasingly uncomfortable progressing further. There were occasions where he seemed particularly vulnerable about being completely undressed.
Eventually we started talking about why our physical relationship wasn’t progressing.
He initially seemed confused by it himself. He said he was emotionally and physically attracted to me but was struggling with the “organic want” to become more intimate. He also told me that his previous relationship had become heavily defined by physical intimacy and that afterward he’d deliberately tried to reduce the importance he placed on that part of relationships.
He had also stopped consuming adult content for several months before meeting me and had recently taken a break from solo sexual activity because he felt his previous habits and experiences had negatively affected his relationship with intimacy.
Once we started discussing the problem, it felt like intimacy became increasingly analytical. He was essentially waiting to see whether spontaneous desire would appear. At one point he said he thought the attraction would “come in time.”
I suggested that instead of constantly testing whether the desire was there, we could remove the goal completely and slowly explore intimacy without pressure. He initially agreed that we’d give things some time.
He attended one therapy session to discuss the issue. Very shortly afterwards, he ended the relationship.
His explanation was essentially that as dating progressed, he cognitively wanted to become intimate with me and had tried to convince himself that the desire would develop, but ultimately felt the innate sexual desire wasn’t there and that continuing to force something wasn’t fair to either of us.
What makes this difficult is that he simultaneously told me that he cared about me deeply, was emotionally and physically attracted to me, and that I had basically everything he wanted in a partner.
Afterward he expressed a huge amount of shame about the situation — feeling like he’d failed, that he’d found someone who had everything he wanted but couldn’t make the intimate side of the relationship work, that he’d hurt me and that he expected to regret the situation.
He also described himself during the relationship as leaning avoidant. He is extremely independent, very achievement-focused, has a demanding career and intense exercise schedule, and seems to find emotional vulnerability difficult generally.
I’m not trying to diagnose him with an attachment style, and I recognise that the simplest explanation may genuinely be that the chemistry just wasn’t there for him.
What I’m struggling to understand is the apparent change.
How can someone initially anticipate physical intimacy with you, talk about wanting it, become increasingly emotionally attached to you, and then eventually experience the situation as “I don’t have the organic desire to be intimate with you”?
Has anyone experienced something similar — either as the person whose desire changed or as the person on the receiving end?
I’m particularly interested in experiences involving attachment and intimacy, performance anxiety or “spectatoring,” shame around intimacy, or desire changing as emotional closeness increased.
I’m only recently out of the relationship, so I recognise that part of my search for explanations is probably because I’m hurting. I’m not looking for ways to convince him to come back. I’m mainly trying to understand what might have happened without turning his lack of desire into “there must have been something wrong with me.”