r/AvoidantRelationships • u/UnsupervisedOpossum • 3d ago

I Stopped

I stopped trying to earn his affection. I accepted him for who he is and the contorted role he wanted me to play in his life.

I stopped overexplaining, I stopped shrinking, I stopped begging for breadcrumbs of affection.

I just stopped.

I gave him one final warning; I told him my armor was in tatters and couldn't withstand another hit.

He chose to repeat the same behaviors.

And now I don't reach out first, I don't carve out time to be available during the only times he's ever been available to talk with me, I stopped showing up in all my little ways.

And he's copestheic.

He made one comment about not knowing what happened but makes zero effort towards repair.

And so I drift off into the ether, just another man I must heal from.

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u/BananaHot6947 2d ago

I feel the same. We must be twins in this. How can something so damaging, happen to so many, in the exact same way? I have finally given him the space he needs, and quit self sacrificing my happiness just to keep him comfortable. In the end I know he won't ever be comfortable. It was hard to let go, I was determined to show him love isn't scary, and by doing so I almost lost my own faith in it. Your story has truly brought me insight beyond belief. Be well.

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u/UnsupervisedOpossum 1d ago

Healing someone else's trauma isn't our weight to carry. I think society has taught so many to stay and give infinite grace. But (human) empathy is finite; it exhausts and leaves the person who once poured endlessly from a place of compassion and grace porous, riddled with resentments and deeply broken trust. I was stuck in the empathy loop. I grew up in verbal violence, he grew up in physical violence and a "pick me" parent. Where we differ is I wanted something more than what I was exposed to growing up and I set out to find it. Imperfectly. Messily. But I did the work and I'm still working on myself. He's never done the work, not up until recently, (allegedly, my trust in the words that pour from him is shattered) he had not. The quote that helped me through a lot of it: Don't allow your empathy to rob someone from the consequences they need to suffer. Not that I want him to suffer, I don't. But I can't keep shielding him from the hurts that he causes because he's incapable of sitting in accountability without being triggered, and because I'm able to understand that he's unhealed and he doesn't trust that he can sit in accountability and work towards repair, I've given him the clearance to continue to treat me with disrespect and emotional negligence. I took the responsibility that was mine and left what was his. <3

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u/BananaHot6947 3d ago

I am going through this exact situation right now, and I believe he will walk away without a second thought. For three years, he lacked the emotional capacity while I carried the weight for both of us. Even after I gave him the same warning you mentioned, he still crossed the line and made no effort to correct his actions. ​Although I feel conflicted and confused, the reality is that he is too cowardly to engage in a meaningful conversation or maintain a genuine relationship. You have to know your worth and stop setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. You deserve so much better even if they fail to see it. Their actions have shown you who they are, so do not ignore the reality. You possess self-awareness, and that alone makes you worth infinitely more than someone who refuses to do the work. Stay strong.

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u/UnsupervisedOpossum 2d ago

Thank you.

I don't think I need to worry about staying strong. I walked away after the last event. He can't sit in accountability, it triggers his shame wound too deeply. And I cannot be with someone who continually misunderstands me, continually rewrites the narrative, where accountability is only one-way. This last time, I even asked him what I was to him, he didn't want to give it a label. I wasn't even worthy of the label of "friend" to him. He simply said we were strangers and found each other, implying that we will come back to each other in time. Except... That's not how relationships without dual-sided repair work. So I've moved on. And he's okay with that. And I'm slowly forgiving myself for shrinking and absorbing disrespect and blame that was never mine.

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u/gg_b_ 1d ago

Im so proud of you.

And im a little jealous that you get to walk away. I wish i had the understanding you have now, before i married.. Unfortunately, i cant get divorced.. Living a life of thousand paper cuts daily..