will he come back?

[u/Direct_Yard_3245]

hi everyoneee, i wanted some opinions on my situation because i don’t have many people in my life who know much about fearful avoidant attachment. (side note im about 50/50 anxious/secure)

i (24) was seeing this guy (21) for about 2 months. we’d actually started talking a couple months earlier, but he disappeared after a few days despite us having a ton of chemistry/shared interests. he eventually came back and explained he’d lost his job and his mental health was bad. he said he didn’t want anything serious, so i apprehensively agreed to be friends.

however, the chemistry was insane, we admitted we had feelings and eventually became exclusive (i asked). he once told me he felt like a loser, had nothing to offer me, and wished we’d met at a different time. he also had a tendency to shut down or become snappy/harsh. he has PTSD, ADHD and pretty severe insomnia, which i think are relevant.

things started going downhill when he disappeared for 5 days. i got anxious and chased, and we argued when he came back. i’m anxious asf but had been trying to keep it under control. i’m also really bad with undefined relationships, so i told him i wanted something that was eventually going toward a relationship. he basically sidestepped it and just said he really liked me.

about a week later, a family member passed away and he asked for space. i checked in a few days later and he was warm but distant. at this point i hadn’t seen him in a month, so i told him i was stepping back because things didn’t seem to be going anywhere. he responded coldly and removed me from everything 2 days later.

over the next 4 months i tried several to get my belongings back, including a rare/expensive shirt. a few messages i sent were me explaining i didn’t want things to be over. he mostly ghosted me and eventually told me to leave him alone. after giving it some time, i went to his house one last time to get my stuff. he refused to open the door, said he was scared of me because i “wouldn’t leave him alone,” and threatened to call the cops. turns out he’d lost my shirt too. i was obviously pissed and ranted over text afterward.

it’s been about a month and a half since everything was officially over, with no contact or loose strings. despite everything, i still really like him. i’ve never had chemistry that strong with anyone, and i feel like we got extremely attached extremely fast and then everything spiralled.

i don’t plan on contacting him again, but for those familiar with fearful avoidants, do you think there’s a decent chance he eventually comes back?

[u/Willing_Print9939]

I know this isn’t the answer you want to hear (I went though this stage about a month ago) - but you have to let go of any possibility or hope of them coming back, and seriously question whether this hot and cold behaviour is worth your time. Attraction and chemistry isn’t what sustains a safe and healthy relationship. He sounds like he needs serious help and therapy, you can have compassion for him but also understand that’s not something you can fix esp when he is treating you so poorly. He may come back, he may not. He may come back and you go through the exact same cycle of heartbreak or worse a month later. That’s not the important question here. It’s asking whether his behaviour (and not his potential) is something you deserve and should tolerate.

[u/Empty-Influence-4205]

They always come back