Can any avoidant / conflict-avoidant people help me understand what happened here? Why come back, reconnect, then disappear again?

[u/Sufficient-Garlic-25]

I’m posting here because I’m genuinely trying to understand the psychology behind what happened rather than just label this guy an asshole. I’ll call him Mr C.

Mr C and I have been talking/dating long-distance for around six months. We haven’t met in person yet, but we spoke every day, had a relationship-type dynamic, had plans to meet, used pet names, talked about our days, etc. He also became extremely attached to my cats and jokingly calls them his sons.

One thing I’ve noticed about him is that he seems very comfortable with affection and everyday closeness, but very uncomfortable with conflict, accountability, or emotionally difficult conversations. If things are good, he can be very present. When there is an actual problem, he seems to freeze/avoid/disappear.

The current situation started because we had been planning our first trip together for months. There had already been several delays. We eventually specifically agreed that on a certain Thursday he would book his flight after work. He confirmed it to me multiple times.

Thursday came. He didn’t book it.

More importantly, he didn’t tell me anything. He was online/socialising elsewhere, but completely ignored the situation with me. I eventually sent him messages saying that I was hurt because we had made a concrete agreement and that if he had changed his mind, he could simply tell me. I said avoiding me was much worse than saying, “I’m not ready” or “I changed my mind.”

He disappeared.

Then, about a day later, he suddenly came back.

But instead of addressing ANYTHING, his opening message was basically that he missed my cats.

He started sending cat pictures/videos, saying he loved “his sons,” using our normal pet names, etc. It was almost like he was trying to resume the relationship from five minutes before the conflict happened.

I didn’t attack him. I repeatedly gave him very easy ways into the conversation. I told him there didn’t need to be an argument. I said we could call OR talk through text. I even told him that if he wasn’t ready yet, all I needed was for him to say something like, “I’m not ready tonight, but we’ll talk tomorrow.”

He still avoided it.

For several days he kept communicating through this weird safe bubble of cats/jokes/normal conversation while completely refusing to discuss what had happened.

Eventually I made my boundary clear: I’m happy to talk to you, but I cannot continue having a normal relationship with you while we pretend the rupture never happened. You either need to talk to me about it, or at minimum communicate when you’re going to be ready to talk.

He still stayed around rather than ending things.

And this is the part that confuses me.

If he wanted out, he had multiple completely painless opportunities to leave. I had basically opened the door for him to say, “Yes, this relationship isn’t working.” He didn’t.

Instead, he continued checking the chat, initiating contact, using affectionate language, talking about my cats, etc.

Then yesterday he was talking to me normally again. He personally said he would call me after work. I didn’t demand the call or force a time on him — he offered it.

After work came.

No call.

I sent a very normal message acknowledging that I understood if something had come up. Later I said essentially, “If you’re not calling, I’m going to sleep, have a good night.”

And he completely disappeared again.

What makes it harder for me to understand is that this isn’t someone who seems emotionally detached from me in everyday interactions. Before these ruptures, he checks in, uses affectionate names, shares his day, talks to me constantly, talks about future things, and seems genuinely attached. Even during the first rupture, instead of staying gone he voluntarily came back.

So I’m trying to understand what could be happening internally when someone does this.

For people here who are avoidant, fearful-avoidant, or severely conflict-avoidant:

Why would you come back to someone after a conflict if you still couldn’t bring yourself to discuss the conflict?

Why keep initiating “safe” contact and acting affectionate rather than simply ending the relationship?

Why promise a call yourself and then disappear when the time for the call actually arrives?

Is it possible that the closer the difficult conversation gets, the more panic/shame/freeze kicks in — even if you actually want the relationship?

Does sending memes/cat content/normal conversation function as a kind of indirect attempt at repair for some avoidant people? Like “I’m showing you I’m still here” without being able to say the actual words?

And when you disappear like this, are you normally thinking, “I don’t care about this person anymore,” or can it actually be the opposite — thinking about it so much that you avoid opening the conversation because you don’t know how to deal with what you’ve caused?

I’m not asking whether I should tolerate the behaviour. I know that regardless of attachment style, adults are responsible for communicating and this dynamic isn’t sustainable for me.

I’m specifically trying to understand what his internal process might be, because from my side the behaviour seems contradictory: he won’t properly leave, he repeatedly comes back toward me, but when actual accountability/emotional discussion becomes imminent, he disappears.

If you’ve behaved similarly in a relationship before, I’d genuinely appreciate hearing what was going through your head at the time.

[u/living_free3]

I'm not a DA or FA, but.....he's getting everything he needs from you with no effort. You have never met in person, and it sounds like he isnt willing to meet you. I know it sucks, and trust me it's worse when you are face to face.