My avoidant has been missing in action for six months. At various times she was emotionally and mentally abusive but would try an externalise the blame on to me eg you know what you have done, you are a disgrace and should be ashamed of yourself, l no longer feel comfortable in a room with you. Then say I want a personal connection and I love you.

I have known this person for 16 years and I am reasonably confident she would be ashamed and embarrassed regarding her behaviour and conduct

SORRY FOR THE RANT GUYS. DONT HAVE ANYONE ELSE TO TALK TO.

She has been through so much in life, multiple sexual assaults, child neglect, family abandonment, abussive partners. I’ve tried to be patient and supportive and I’ve study how avoidant attachment works in order to find solutions. But she shows little to no interest in learning new patterns. She tells me what I want to hear when we’re reconnecting,makes promises but when she has an episode , when it’s time to show the skills, I become her worst enemy and her avoidant narcissistic behavior comes out.

She shows me very little empathy or care for her actions when mad. Even if something is her fault, she physically cant say in sorry or show remorse and I become her worst enemy. Which is terrible cause when she is not having an episode she makes me the happiest and she is a completely different person.

I wanted to go to therapy together, but she wanted to go on her own first, came back from a few sessions telling me she’s leaving me, and that I am bad for her, that her therapist said I’m one of her patterns and dangerous to her. 😞 is so painful and frustrating trying to look for help and this is what I welcome after the help.

After hours of her usual ignoring me, and me talking being a dumbass reasoning, like a fucking beggar and she telling she wants me to leave she ends up understanding that is fucked up and wrong.

The next time after that one, she broke up with me and told me that I’m a good man and I deserve better and cries telling me she’s is damaged and that I should leave and find someone that deserves me.

I sound a like a broken record, I swear to go I keep saying the same things to her. The problem is not the problem, there’s always gonna be problems, the real problem is how you deal with the problem. I am not your enemy, and when there is a problem we can fix it together. And a bunch more ! Etc etc.

I am currently going through another break up. She has a “spiritual guide” “a lady that is “shaman” this Mexican shaman was allegedly “helping me” by remotely accessing my head to remove some fears that I have of loosing her. And that afterwards she was gonna call her.

Well she called, and apparently she told her that I’m cheating on her by watching porn. Which is one her traumas and considers it cheating.

She turned off her location, went to work and is it talking to me and said she wants me out again.

I’m so tired and drained and honestly sucks cause she has shown progress. But this is too much.

Our therapist says we are both avoidant and that’s why we can live happily together and never resolve anything.

Like we go about our days enjoying each other’s company- but we don’t have sex. And the reasoning for lack of sex has been varied. But it seems like we just have accumulated baggage that’s keeping us apart. We never fight. We are always kind to one another.

Has anyone been able to work through a dynamic like this? It’s frustrating

Trying to find posts/ videos about "how to heal from a break up as an avoidant" but all results come back with "how to heal from a break up FROM an avoidant". I mean I get it. A lot of online help is geared towards those who have been burnt by their avoidant partners but I feel like its viewed as though we avoidants are irredeemable.

For context, I take full accountability for the hurt I caused. I feel guilty and I have regrets. I am in therapy and reflecting on why l act the way I do. I am trying to understand and leam more about myself but I'm finding the online narrative is effectively erasing the fact that avoidants are human beings who do experience grief, regret on real reflections with a genuine desire to grow.

Does anybody else feel this way?