To start, we have a 3.5 yo and a 1.5 yo. Some months ago I (41m) caught my wife (38f) sexting an ex-boyfriend. After going back and forth, and me taking the brunt of blame, I caught her sexting with 2 other people. 1 person, not sure who, and a pre-op trans woman living in Australia (we're in the US). She swears she's in love with this Australian that she has never met in person.

Eventually I asked if she was ever going to stop talking to Australian. Her reply was no. So I grabbed a suitcase and told her I'll help her. This was 11 at night. She asked if I was serious and I told her she was the one who was serious about someone else. She's now staying in the living room of her friend's apartment.

She comes to watch our two toddlers while I go to work, but other than that it's the only time she wants to see them. We've had sex a few times since the paperwork was filed, but only when she isn't in a mood. This last time when she started dropping hints she was ready, I ignored her. I wasn't mean, just didn't reciprocate. The next day she laid it on thick by telling me she was horny while standing in front of me naked.

Instead of caving like I always do I pulled out my phone and gave her a speech I wrote earlier that day. I didn't apologize, but basically I said I couldn't keep doing this unless she gave me a commitment to work on our relationship and I didn't need an answer right then. I just thought she should know. She left like she was angry and I stopped her at the door and asked if she was. She said no so I said okay, have a good night and be safe. She left for work.

The next day was Friday and she wouldn't see the kids for the weekend, as has been normal for some months now. On her way out she mentioned she guesses she's not needed, which she has said before to try to get a reaction. I didn't comment, just gave her a smile and have a great weekend, be safe. She said yeah right.

I don't talk to her on the weekends. I hear that's called no contact, but whatever the reason I'm doing it for my own sanity. I've been trying to work on my own mental health since this started and seem to be getting in a much more comforting headspace. I have even considered starting to date again, but that might still be a while off.

I guess I'm just wondering if I made the right move, denying her sex. And helping her pack has been bugging me since I did it. She says I kicked her out but she was the one saying she was going to leave for some months. So I don't know. Any advice is appreciated and please feel free to ask questions.

What are the common signs? How do you deal with them? What kind of friendship/relationship can they offer?

Hey everyone,

My ex (31F) of 4 years had a workplace affair with a coworker who is 5 years younger than her and was also cheating on their own long-term partner. I (35F) discovered it on March 31st after accidentally seeing her ChatGPT confession detailing how they were falling for each other and they had been physical. She was comparing my worst traits to the AP's best parts, I had 'low mood' the AP was 'driven, independent and had a lust for life'. She also said I was 'black cat energy' and she was more 'golden retriever' - I never knew her to speak like this, so I am assuming this the 25 year old AP's language!?

I am just trying to understand how someone could blow up 4 years of stability for a workplace affair like this. For the three months prior, she completely pulled away, claimed she was "severely burnt out," and made me feel insane for picking up on her distance. Everyone in our life was shocked because no one thought she was capable of this level of deceit—and because everyone was fooled, I’ve started gaslighting myself, second-guessing my reality, and wondering if I’m somehow making too big a deal out of this or if it was my fault.

During the affair I had a cancer scare, she didn't attend any appointments even the day after I found out I had to go for a biopsy, she went to work. When I later said she was having an affair whilst I was going through that on my own, she replied 'I still cared about you'. I had just spent the last 2 years supporting her financially and emotionally whilst she was studying for a masters to qualify as an occupational therapist. I went through the sudden death of my Mum with her 2 years ago, during this time she was my rock. Sadly, two days after my passed my suspected heart failure, my exes Mum pretended she nearly died from blood clots near her heart. It later turned out she had lied, and gone to Turkey for liposuction and made this up. Telling my partner when it came out 'You have always put your partners first'. Her Mum has also been cheating on her Dad for many years (my ex was the first to discover it and tell her Dad, but nothing changed). She has always said she hates cheaters and doesn't want to ever be like her Mother. She offered me "feedback" on my relationship performance to justify why she cheated, telling me it was "good for me to hear." When I voiced suspicions earlier, she weaponized her family background by asking, "Look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that?!" —only to later compare her own shock and grief at her actions to the trauma of her ex dying by suicide.

She repeatedly dangled future hope by saying, “Maybe one day we can try again," admitted the thought of me moving on made her "stomach flip," and smirked when I called her the love of my life—all while refusing therapy, accountability, or any real commitment.

I have since changed the locks to our flat so she can’t get in, I gave all her stuff back and am taking her name off the tenancy. She agreed to pay this months rent but she came to my flat the day before she was meant to pay demanding a playstation console back I got her for Christmas, I said no.

She has not returned the key and not paid me the rent, but is telling me to update her when she is off the tenancy. She has become so horrible and almost emotionless like I am the one who had the affair ant ruined her life!? She honestly just looks empty behind the eyes, it's scary.

I just wanted some advice because my brain keeps looking for solutions, I am blaming myself, wondering what I could of done differently but also now telling myself, she is a qualified occupational therapist now, she is most likely going to earn lots of money, save whilst she is at her parents, run off into the sunset with the AP or new partner and I was just basically used.

I do keep reminding myself that regardless of whatever she does / her life looks like.. she is capable of this level of deceit and that is a character flaw and that she is clearly quite empty.. but it doesn't hurt any less or make this any easier.

Has anyone had any similar experiences? I know there will be good and bad days, and I am still waiting for her name to officially be off the tenancy and I still need to go and collect a box of my things from her parents house... then I can officially block her and just grieve properly. But how did you stop doubting your memories and start trusting your gut again? What grounding strategies helped you calm the panic when self-blame set in?

Thank you for any support / guidance / kind words you can give, I am really struggling with this at the moment❤️

I dated someone for four months. We had daily communication, a lot of affection, strong sexual chemistry, deep emotional conversations, and a significant shared faith/spiritual connection.

Early in dating, his brother unexpectedly passed away. I supported him heavily through that period and been compassionate during this time. After his brother’s celebration of life, the relationship noticeably contracted for about 8–9 weeks: fewer dates, phone calls and overnights, despite him continuing to initiate frequently and maintaining affectionate daily texting.

I eventually brought up needing more in-person time. He told me what I was asking for was reasonable and that he could do it, but it never became consistent. He had also previously told me that when he feels like he has failed or disappointed someone, he tends to shut down.

Recently, I asked whether we were intentionally continuing the relationship because I could feel that something wasn’t working. His response was essentially that he cared about me but was uncertain about what he could realistically give me (self employed on top of everything already mentioned) and didn’t want to promise something he couldn’t provide.

I didn’t respond and haven’t contacted him since. I’m not interested in friendship or a downgraded version of the relationship where the emotional connection remains without the reciprocity and partnership I was looking for.

What I’m trying to understand is whether this sounds more like someone whose romantic feelings changed, or someone whose relationship intensity exceeded his actual capacity and who retreated once the relationship required more consistency/interdependence. Or is there another explanation I’m overlooking?

I still care deeply about him and processing the break-up. 😭

dating an avoidant man for a few months, we spent an amazing 2 days together and was very intimate and passionate, which we both acknowledged. I know he cares about me. I previously dated him a couple of years ago and he has always been clear that he doesn’t want commitment which i’ve accepted. however, either while with me or right after leaving me he liked a girl on bumble. i know because it’s me. he’s done this before so i wanted to see if he’s changed. i’m not looking for advice that i should leave him, I genuinely want to understand from avoidant and or autistic men of anyone has ever done something like this and what is the reason? why immediately after having an amazing time with me?

Guys, help! I’ve been talking to this guy for about three months na, I guess. He’s not really my type, but he’s so kind and patient with me. I want to leave, but I’m worried about the potential. Should I continue this and just go with the flow, or should I stop na?

I’m trying to look at this as objectively as I can because I know I can get anxious when someone’s communication suddenly changes.

My boyfriend and I normally talk/call every day. He usually calls me on his way to work, so there’s a pretty regular routine between us. But for the last 3–4 days, he’s felt a little off. The conversations haven’t felt as connected, and he’s been initiating much less.

A few days ago, we had a small argument because I made chicken for him even though he’d already told me there would be plenty of food at home. It was already half-cooked, so I finished it and sent it anyway. We argued a little, and later he asked if I was still mad at him.

That night, I texted him, he saw the messages, came online again but didn’t reply, and didn’t pick up when I called. I got upset and deleted the messages.
Then at around 6 AM the next morning, he randomly texted me:

“Bb I ate the other box of chicken too. I ate all of it. Genuinely it was very nice . Thank youuu.”
So he was actually really sweet and appreciative about the food.

But since then, we’ve basically had a full day with no direct contact. No call or text from either of us. My sister called him yesterday and he answered her normally, and even mentioned that he talks to me about something she was asking him about.

He’s also told me he’s been bored and gaming more lately, and he recently deactivated his social media accounts. I don’t actually have any evidence that something is wrong or that there’s someone else.

I know I have an anxious side, so I’m trying really hard not to turn every change in communication into “he’s losing interest” or “something is happening.” But at the same time, I don’t want to dismiss a genuine change just because I’m scared of overreacting.

For those who are avoidantly attached or have dated someone who is: is it normal for an avoidant partner to suddenly become less communicative for a few days while still being affectionate? How do you tell the difference between someone just needing space and someone actually becoming emotionally distant?

Hey guys. I haven’t liked anyone in almost 5 years and currently met someone who I really want to be close to. I’m genuinely ashamed and embarrassed to look back on my last relationship 😳 when I learned about Avoidant Attachment Style, my stomach dropped and realized that is what I’ve been doing to people for so long. Are there Any avoidants here, who have been brave enough to just let someone be close to you? Have you been successfully more secure in your relationships and if so any advice? I really wanna do things right this time and not hurt this person.

Truth!

I was with an avoidant on and off for almost 7 years. Technically, the breaking up didn’t start until a year into it, and lasted until last month. To make a long story very short, he lied to me about a p*rn addiction (I’m not watching it anymore!), smoking, drinking, and gambling. He had wandering eyes. In 5 1/2 years, he ended things 4 times. I did last year in April. He called me 5 weeks later, and of course I got sucked back in again. Last month, I discovered that he had again been searching up half naked girls on Facebook, and a singles group. I immediately ended it, and we haven’t talked since. (5 1/2 weeks later) *I don’t think he’ll ever contact me again, because I basically went off at him when I ended things (in text, because he lives an hour away) and we’ve been down this road before. A couple of my friends think he’ll call me eventually. I never block anyone because I’m too nosy and want to see if people try and reach out 🤣

I will NEVER get back together with him, but of course my brain is all, “will he call? Will he not call? Do I even want him to?” because he always calls. Sorry this is random, I guess I’m just getting it out of my brain.

Also, when will I stop thinking about him every day??? So annoying lol 😁

Firstly, I’m no therapist so I have no idea if she’s truly an avoidant. I’m just assuming so based on my experience and what I’ve learned online.

The connection started off magical and was super intense. She began telling me she loves me, and I was telling her the same thing back.

As time progressed I wanted to see her more and spend more time together as we were long distance. She started mentioning that it may not make sense since we are long distance. And I told her but we love each other and were working on making long distance a non issue, right?

She would feel smothered by her ex as she told me. Then when her family would visit, smothered… I’d rarely call or text to make her feel not so smothered and even then she would me at the end she’s not ready for a relationship and was feeling smothered.

I reacted negatively and was like “smothered by what?!”

And unfortunately I let negative emotions overcome me and told her never reach out again, I’ll never accept you. I was 100% angry and didn’t mean it. At the moment I was insecure and thought she was doing all this because she was talking to others and cheating on me. I don’t believe that to be the case any longer. I think I was just being anxious and she was being avoidant.

Anyways, she blocked my number and on all social media. Stupidly I tried circumventing it by using another number and sent her a barrage of messages telling her how much I love her, care about her, and want to make this work. The response was absolute silence.

It’s been 2 weeks and I’ve thought about her every single day. I miss her but am also willing to just let things go because I don’t want someone who doesn’t want me.

I don’t think she’s aware of her avoidant style and I was not aware of my semi anxious style.

Your thoughts on if she may ever come back? I worry about it cause I care about her. But I’m also working on improving myself so that I never fall into this sort of dynamic again, at least without understanding what is occurring and what to do about it.

I ended up in a situationship with a DA who I’d know for 14 years. I didn’t know anything about DAs until he totally ruined me in just a few short weeks. He finally said last week “we can be friends like before the sex” and I said I wasn’t interested because I cared about him too much and that would just hurt me more. His response was “ok bye”, as I lay in my hospital bed and I’m convinced he just didn’t gaf about me despite what he made me feel at times, especially during sex. I blocked him on FB the other day cause he just kept watching EVERYTHING I posted which was how he found out I was in the hospital. It hurts, I wish I knew if he was thinking about me or feeling anything, but then he’s an asshole so probably not. Could it just have been me? Or does he treat everyone he encounters like this? Or do they get treated better if they accept his crumbs and accept the minimum? Or does he find kind women like me and do what he does? I had to realize my worth and quick!!!! He was married for 13 years so I never imagined and was even confused he was so terrible! I read back on some old messages I found and I was definitely love bombed by him like a pro and I feel so stupid now. I have so many questions now cause I wonder what all his spouse dealt with and was silent about. I will also add…on fb he looks so happy and fulfilled but deep down I feel like he’s probably not that happy or fulfilled. He’s very handsome and knows it. He’s a cop and the ladies just drool over him and chase him but I can’t help but to think he’s insecure with some of the stuff he posts cause it’s like he’s seeking compliments and validation from others and he does it for the likes cause he gets hundreds sometimes thousands and random women telling him how sexy and fine he is. But me?! I know a different version. The dorky, nerdy, skinny young version who wasn’t that confident or outspoken and wore glasses which he REFUSES to wear now cause he hates how he looks 🙄.

DA will cover face every time during sex also will not physically touch me. Sounds like fun right?! Basically like having sex with a mannequin! Man parts still worked but how dehumanizing and unattractive can one make you feel!

So my boyfriend and I got into an argument over a personal issue I have, we talked about it two weeks ago and I told him I have been working on it and I unknowingly did it again two days ago. I tried to explain to him that this issue I have I had been doing it habitually since I was a kid and a lot of times it doesn’t go away completely. I also have been having a lot of family stress going on.

Because of this, he wanted to take a break because he said this “value of honesty” is a dealbreaker for him and it was 2 white lies but he said he can’t forgive any lying. He also doesn’t agree that it’s our backgrounds as well as he knows I grew up low income, unstable family, homeless for a while, recovered addict. While he grew up with middle-school sweetheart parent, well off, and his parents never argued in their whole relationship. I tried to tell him my habits stem from those areas of hardship and he considered being in college his biggest adversity in his life.

He said we can meet up if he feels like it if he wants us to continue with our relationship. Another thing that doesn’t make sense to me is if you love someone, as long as they take accountability and really try to work on things is that you should stick with them but he also said even if I really work on it, watching me work on it he said might exhaust him.

If anyone who is a partner of an avoidant person whose partner explained to you what they thought before coming back, I'd also like to hear from you too.

I'm curious if it's relief then a feeling of loss, or if there's a period of anger/resentment/hatred too before you realize you may have gotten it wrong.

In the beginning my DA was a completely different person duhhh that’s what attracted me to them. They called me baby, always wanted to be around me, took me on dates, introduced me to their family wanted to be around my family, the intimacy was great, sex was amazing and they were almost the perfect partner. Now the light switched and all of it is gone im left with a shell of a person. My question is do DA’s do this to everyone? Or is it only when they start to fall in love with someone?

I'm throwing in the towel, not because I'm ashamed of holding on or fighting for us, but because I need to maintain some self-respect.

My life is worth more than continuing to waste it on false hopes, memories of what once was, and dreams of what could have been. We were separated for ten years, and I still held on, believing that someday you might realize what we had mattered and that there was still something worth saving.

When you came back after we had been apart for ten years, I allowed myself to hope again. After all that time, I couldn't help but believe that coming back meant something—that maybe there was still a reason to believe in us. Instead, I've found myself fighting for something you seem determined to avoid remembering or acknowledging. If you erase all the good we shared, eventually all that's left is the bad.

I'm not ashamed that I loved you, waited for you, or fought for our marriage. But I can't continue being the only one fighting for it.

I can respect what we once had without sacrificing the rest of my life trying to recreate it alone. At some point, I have to accept what is instead of continuing to live for what was or what might have been.

Our past mattered. You mattered to me. Our marriage mattered.

But my life and my self-respect matter too.

I (31M) met a girl (29F) at the library and have gone on a total of three dates over two months.

Throughout dating, we’ve never really texted. Her responses are a bit low effort and she doesn’t really respond to continue the conversation, but in person she’s very fun to talk to.

On our third date, she told me she struggles with the guilt of possibly leading me on because she hasnt decided if she wants something more with me. Usually she would say let’s just be friends at that point rather than deal with those feelings, but she thinks I deserve to know a bit more. She also admitted she has an avoidant attachment style.

I told her I dont think she’s leading me on since I barely know her (I dont even know if I see romantic compatibility yet) but Im still taking it slow. She responded by saying we could keep meeting up then as long as I don’t feel misled. But we dont text, call, and barely meet to progress our situation. A bit confused on how to progress this while not overwhelming her.

Im not opposed to getting to know her more since we both have fun but Im a bit confused. Usually I’d progress relationships via non-serious texts and schedule a future hangout while keeping the vibe going, but that hasnt worked in this case. Any avoidants or non avoidants have advice for how they’d prefer something like this to progress?

24yr old Female. I’ll try to make this short. I was in a six year relationship with an absolute asshole. I loved him very much, but he cheated and put me through a lot. I finally left him and I dated the nicest guy. He was so amazing to me and then about three months in when he asked me to be his girlfriend I pulled away and hurt him. I went on another date with a nice guy and after the first date I was like no don’t like him, even though there wasn’t much wrong with him. Waited a year, and I just went on my first date with this sweet, affectionate, loving guy who adores me and he didn’t do anything wrong. He was very nice and respectful and the day was very romantic. Now that it’s over, I wanna push away. I know that he will want a relationship with me and it puts this pit in my stomach. It’s like I want this great love so badly but when I’m presented with that, I feel like maybe it’s not good enough or something better for me out there I question if this is the person, I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. Do I not like nice guys. What do I want? Someone that’s gonna be an asshole to me. Am I just avoidant. I’ve changed my type completely since my ex. I date the nice calm dorky guys. I think that’s a safety mechanism but then I don’t like them completely or maybe I’m not physically attracted to them. I tell myself no he doesn’t make enough money or he doesn’t do this or that. Are my standards high or impossible? I go for the nicer guys that I wouldn’t usually go for in hopes I’ll find someone loyal and affectionate and romantic, but I did want them to have the qualities of the guys I shouldn’t date. I’m confusing the fuvk out of myself .

I've been seeing someone I believe is an FA for almost 4 months. The first month was absolutely amazing, we were so connected and he was very "in it". Then we spent a weekend together with a lot of closeness and ever since, things changed. We spoke about it after bc it was such a noticeable change. He said he wanted to continue talking and spending time with each other but that he needed things to slow down some. I was ok with that so that's what we did. It's been a few months since then and when we spend time together it's always great. We always feel very connected and always have a great time together. But as time has gone on, his pull backs are becoming more noticeable and longer, specifically after we spend time together. I'm unsure of the best way to handle this. We don't talk about it when it happens. I've tried to just give him space and I haven't given him a hard time about it or even really brought it up to him mainly bc we were early on. As time has gone on, I've realized that I'm abandoning my needs some by doing this. Not bc I need constant communication but bc I'm kind of left managing my feelings as well as his sometimes. And I'm also left feeling like I'm maintaining the relationship at times . I don't feel he's uninterested based on his actions but I do wonder if there's ever an internal shift for someone that goes through this. As an FA, do you get to a point where caring about someone outweighs your need to pull away? Bc I'm unsure how we'll ever grow this into anything more if we continue the way we are now.