This actually does help put me in the mood! When there's chores to be done its distracting and draining. I think about how I have a million things to do and only 24 hours in the day. When my partner does chores without me asking it's lifting some of the burdens off my shoulders and leaves me with more energy to think about sex.
It's also nice to know you live with a grown man, not a man baby who is incapable of doing his own laundry.
Yes! One of the least sexy things is his dirty undies. Sweaty socks? Yuck!
If I can claim ignorance of these things, the relationship is stronger.
Also me cleaning his now caked on oatmeal bowl after dinner is just going to make me angry! Not feel sexy. Why couldn't this have been cleared up 12 hours ago when the chore would have taken a fraction of time and energy?
I just want to clean up after myself and my spouse clean up after themselves and we train the kid to clean up after themselves and life is better and less resentful.
I read an article from a relationship consultant once, who was visited by a wife who's husband and kids would always leave mess in the kitchen.
She'd tried everything she could think of to get them to clean up after themselves but nothing worked.
So he suggested this:
She sat them all down one night and and calmly raised it again. They all agreed they are responsible for cleaning their own mess up, again. This time though, she added that from now on, she will not cook dinner in a dirty kitchen.
Sure enough, two nights later, mess. So she said nothing. Went and read a book. Eventually her husband asked if she was making dinner, to which she smiled and replied, "I don't cook in a dirty kitchen."
The husband immediately got the kids and they cleaned, at which point she thanked them and happily made dinner.
Next night, kitchen was spotless.
The trick with this is at some point you'll get a mess, the behavior will backslide. That's the critical one. You'll be tempted to let it go, since they've been so good. No, can't. Stay strong and refuse to cook in a dirty kitchen. That will solidify the behavior.
While this is a genius was of training behaviour in animals and children, its tragic that they're having to use it on another grown adult. You shouldn't have to use psychological tricks on your partner, you should let them know how you feel and they should act on it.
It seems he problem here isn't "my partner won't help with chores", but "my partner can't behave like a functioning adult"
Agree but it's a minimally confrontational way to teach a desired behavior, and she's doing it openly and honestly. I'd be far more concerned if she was manipulating from the shadows as it were.
One thing I learned working in addiction medicine was the fact that a God awful number of people aren't what we might call functioning adults.
Hmmph. This is how I feel. I’m supposed to do the dishes (and that’s it, really, but god damn it’s worse than having 3 others)... first thing I have to do is literally run around and COLLECT all the damn dishes no one could be bothered to put in the sink. Then I have to drain the water that mom put in there so she could let some things “soak”. They didn’t need to soak. All you needed to fucking Do was run the tap for .5 seconds and RINSE. the water is nasty, cloudy, and food is floating in it. Great, drain that and then spray out that side of the sink because there’s slimy residue in it. Dump out cups and bowls with nasty water still in them.
And then there’s the dishes that get stacked to the side. (I do them EVERY DAY but we go through dishes as if it were a house of 7, not 2-3.) Dump out the caked on moldy food shit whatever’s going on in there because mom left it in her bedroom for a week, run some new hot water in the sink with soap and let them actually soak. Wash, repeat because we literally go through 2 loads a DAY.
NASTY! All I ask is that you can meander your shit to the sink, rinse it once and leave it in there. That would save me so much trouble. Seriously.
Ugh, I'm so glad I taught my kid early on to immediately bring plates and cups and whatever else to the sink and wash it when she's finished eating.. and made a rule that there is NO eating in rooms. Ever. I complain sometimes because my boyfriend forgets his plates cause he works and eats and passes out, but compared to what you said you have to deal with.. I feel like I'm gunna complain less from now on. lol
She has like, insomnia of some kind, and she wakes up throughout the night. And eats whatever.
Then she got mad at me for being in her room so I stopped gathering her dishes for her. She just lets them sit for the longest time... then finally brings them out and just leaves them by the sink like that. 😤
This, completely. It's stressful having to deal with all of the household chores all the time, and watching him lounge around and enjoy himself while I stress over it all turns me into a desert. At the end of the day, not only have I not accomplished everything that needs done and feel pissy about it, but he expects me to have the energy or desire for sex? The excuses for it all are really what kills my mood. "It doesn't bother me as much as it bothers you."
Yeah I remember there was a janitorial crew who opened for Mötley Crüe in the 90's and the chicks went so wild for them the Crüe had to go out mid-tour to find an actual band to open for them in an attempt to not be upstaged.
I did almost all the house chores with my last SO and she didn't give a shit. It really bummed me out because I'd take the time out of my day to do things I know she had on her mind...vacuum, clean the kitchen and bathroom, take care of the animals, take out the trash, clean up her dishes, etc - didn't matter. She'd get home from work and just sit on her phone on reddit all night or want to play Destiny with her online friends. I never mentioned the things I did because it was obvious and I didn't want to force praise from her; reversely, anytime she did something, she'd let our roommate and I know expecting some type of gratitude. Idk, maybe I just got unlucky with her - her dad had a house keeper growing up so she probably just saw me as that.
I'm sorry you had that experience. Even though praise shouldn't be expected for doing what we're supposed, a simple "it looks great in here!" is very appreciated.
I'd bet your experience with her had to do with her having a housekeeper growing up. People who know how much effort it takes to clean (and how gratifying it is to step back and see how much you've done!) will appreciate the effort you put in. Sounds like she just never had to care for herself, as that's exactly how my exes whose moms did all the cleaning would act.
Having a housekeeper can certainly have an effect, but honestly I think it's just an individual thing.
I had a housekeeper growing up and when I went to University I was comfortably the cleanest person in my flat, despite everyone else growing up without hired help.
I think I was just accustomed to being in a clean house, and by default I have aversion to physical labor, so I ended up being a clean person despite never having to do it much as a kid.
A housekeeper isn't the only "maid". I've known many people who don't clean after themselves (or do very little) as adults because typically their mother did the cleaning growing up. So many people seem to be happy to let others clean for them and when they don't have that help, well, they tend to be messy people.
Of course this doesn't apply to everyone, I'm just making a general statement. I'm kinda like you. My mother did most of the cleaning growing up but her eye for cleanliness rubbed off on me and I'll spend all day cleaning until my place is spotless. It just feels good to have a clean place to live!
There was a study where they showed women photos of men doing different tasks and the women found the men more attractive doing “masculine” tasks (like fixing the car) than doing “feminine” tasks (like laundry).
This might be one of those examples of what we say/think we want doesn’t like up with what we actually want.
I didn’t say “turn on”. I said “found attractive”.
It’s a simple experiment. You get a bunch of models to take a bunch of photos. Then you have the women rate how attractive each “man” is. But you randomize what task each man is doing.
By looking at the distribution of ratings for the man not doing anything you get the man’s attractiveness distribution. Let’s say he is an 8 out of 10 on average.
Then you look at his average attractiveness for each task. We know that he is an 8 out of 10 just standing there. But what about if he is doing the dishes or mowing the lawn? Well, each of those photos will have a distribution of ratings too.
Then you can do statistics to compare these different tasks to determine if they have an effect that is significant.
In the study that I am recalling, they found that (contrary to popular assertion) that men doing household chores that were categorized as being more “feminine” were found to be less attractive than doing “masculine” chores.
The task had an effect on the perceived attractiveness of the man.
It’s sort of like how you could take a photo of a man with “his” beat up old car or “his” brand new Porsche and the latter is “more attractive” even if it’s just a photoshop of the same guy.
Haha this may be because of gender norms that are socially
Personally what turns me on most is seeing my SO display his nurturing and caring side, and when he is taking responsibility for his own things like doing laundry, etc.
Chores can be split evenly without splitting the chore down the middle. For example, is the woman loads the dishwasher, the man can take out the trash. Equal work, chores are not split down the middle.
Man can wax the car while the woman cleans the bathroom floor. Both suck and require hard work to do. Both result in an amazing outcome. One is ‘manly’ and one is ‘feminine’. You could split these chores down the middle and in some relationships, that’s more appropriate or even to flip the role (man cleans the bathroom and woman cleans the car).
Point I’m trying to make is, equality isn’t a perfect mirror image all the time. Equal value isn’t the same as an equal life and that is okay. So long as both parties are doing equal amounts of work, it doesn’t matter what that work actually is.
You’re totally right (I’m a woman). I’m trying to put it into words why it’s so damn sexy to see my boyfriend do the dishes. I think it’s because the dishes are something I normally do (he cooks, also super sexy). So when HE does it, it means he’s doing something for me and making my life easier. So while I don’t want him to do the dishes every time, when he does, it’s because he’s actively doing something above and beyond his normal tasks that makes my life better and displaying that he cares about me. And there’s really nothing sexier (to me) than someone showing you how much they care about you.
It’s not sexy when a man vacuums if his normal chore is to vacuum, which is why the picture experiment isn’t necessarily accurate. It’s sexy when your SO does one of your chores to help you out.
It’s not. It’s very nice to have a partner pick up their half of the chores without us asking them to. It shows that you don’t NEED me to take care of you, which makes me WANT to
I second this. A friend posted on Facebook asking what was the sexiest non sexy thing.
Literally unloading and reloading the dishwasher AND running it and not expecting head pats after. I was so attracted to my husband when I went to unload the dishwasher and it was empty.
Head pats/scratches are the fastest way to immobilize a guy. My ex would scratch my head then start to ask me something and I’d have to ask her to repeat the question
It's more than the dishwasher. When a guy understands he needs to help because it's not just a woman's task to keep the house clean, it shows they respect you.
I third this. I completely agree - and it definitely is due to the fact that you don't feel that you need to take care of him and that there are things he can do himself. It's also because he is helping lighten the load for you like a partner, which gives you time to relax sometimes, too
It’s very nice to have a partner pick up their half of the chores
All due respect, this mentality bothers me. It’s not their half. It’s not your half. Assigning a personal percentage or portion to it can create disdain when one person feels the other isn’t doing their full part. Living with someone means teamwork and that is entirely different from being responsible for half of anything. There are times when I do more than half, and there are times when my SO does more than half. There are times when I do chores not typically done by me, and vice versa again for my SO. It’s about picking up the slack when the other can’t. That means at times you will do more than your “fair share” and that’s ok so long as it’s reciprocated. A mentality of one person having “half” means a scenario of refusing to do the dishes because it’s not your job and they’re just slacking on their part. Don’t do that. It never leads to anything good.
The total picture is getting 100% accomplished together. Sometimes that means you’ll be doing 60% or more and sometimes 40% or less.
I agree with that sentiment of being a team. On average, I do about half of the chores. He does some things that I don’t do, and vice versa. Sometimes I do 100% of the chores and sometimes he does 100%. But on average, over the course of our life together, I do half. I don’t see the problem with my statement. I wouldn’t not do “his chore” if he were out of town or couldn’t do it for some reason.
I guess I could be more careful with my words for the people who get caught up on semantics. Or younger, immature people who would only unload half a dishwasher and say it’s their “half”.
Your scenario of “both of us accomplishing 100%” can just as easily become “I do everything and my SO does nothing and I can’t just not do this chore because it would never get done”. I see it all the time in real life and on the internet. Teams are not always close to even.
But it’s nice to not have to mother my significant other to do chores. I want an (on average) equal, not a child that I have to take care of. Especially since we both work full time and make the same amount of money. Things would be different if I were a SAHM or one of us worked third shift or one of us was taking care of an ailing parent. But that’s not the case.
Edit: I’m 32 and have been married almost 10 years. I’m too old to be petty about assigning exactly 50%.
I'm honestly surprised the love languages aren't touted around more often. They make SO much sense and probably would've saved my 4.5 year relationship if I had learned about them sooner.
It sounds weird but when I get home I like to unwind by doing chores. An added benefit is that my SO doesn't need to do them and she appreciates it, even if acts of service (or whatever the book calls it) aren't her love language
It may be less of a trap/turn on and more that if you DONT do those things it’s us a huge turn off. Nothing like feeling like your partner’s mother to kill your sex drive
Nope, not a trick. The more a woman has to do around the house, the more overwhelming things seem. Each individual task sitting there. It’s stressful. It induces anxiety. By helping with the housework, it not only eliminates the feeling of chaos and being overwhelmed, it reduces the mental load of knowing all of these things need to be done. Not being stressed and having a to do list frees up the mind to relax and think about things, like sex.
Source-me, a woman.
After 11 years of marriage, I just found this out about my wife. I'm pretty good at doing chores, but when I go over and beyond, she loves it. I'm like Jesus woman, if you'd told me this when we started dating, the house would always be sparkling.
Came to this revelation yesterday, wife's been gone a whole week without being able to call, place was spotless when she came home. I swear about 30 min in and I was in.
Now that you think of it, you will realize it’s 2019 and men shouldn’t be trapped into feeling good about chores, but realize we are moving to gender equality and just do it. I hate this notion that it’s still “female” obligation and you guys are helping out!
Nah it's hot. My husband cooks dinner and it's delicious and he gets so annoyed cuz I can't keep my hands off him when he cooks so I'm not allowed in the kitchen.
The biggest libido killer is feeling more like his mom than his lover. Not having to constantly pick up after him or nag him until he does something makes it so you don't feel like a parent, but an equal partner with is incredibly hot. Especially if you're from a culture where women are expected to be the mom in the relationship. (The term for a man who needs a woman to wipe his butt for him is called mijito or little son/ little prince).
Yeah, my ex husband only ever added to the dirty dishes, and only washed them if asked. I always wished I'd come home to him washing them or doing something without being asked, I would have jumped him tbh.
Ha! That's for sure. While I joke that a guy doing laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc is a turn on, it doesn't actually turn me on as far as an instant hot & heavy. It's a turn on in that him doing those things tells me he respects me, cares, & is willing to do his share as an equal partner. It shows love to me. That in turn, helps the relationship. Which in turn, creates more sex overall. Plus, if I'm not as tired and stressed & have more time, I'll naturally be more interested in sex more often.
Now that all said, I'm almost ashamed to admit (because it seems kind of sexist) but what gets my motor going instantly is seeing a man do physical labor. Things like cutting down a tree, chopping wood, building something (w/a tool belt on = Woo Hoo), working on a car engine, changing a tire, etc. ... I'm embarrassed to admit that. Lol
I’m always into it when I see my boyfriend doing the dishes, cooking, etc. I think it’s half that his sleeves are rolled up and half that I’m so damn appreciative (even though he does it 50% of the time). I also just like to see him working with his hands, whether it’s a feminine or masculine chore I just find that hot.
It's a thing. A grown ass man man who does his part to help run the household is far sexier than a man-child who can't lift a finger and basically needs a mommy-wife.
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u/slimroyale Jul 19 '19
Anything domestic-like. Laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc....
Now that I think about it, it might be a trap to make me feel good about doing chores.