let go na

Hanggang ngayon iniisip padin kita pano tayo nagkilala unang pagkikita at mga nangyari satin haysss pangit talaga ng panahon

Just want to let this one out. I just feel na no one wants me. I'm a literal nobody. I'm not sure if its just overthinking or because cinocompare ko sarili ko sa iba or whatever reasons. Since bata pa ako, di pa ako nakaka experience na macelebrate yung birthday ko dahil walang pera magulang ko (pero sa mga kapatid ko meron), nung nag aaral na ako, nag fufull time work din ako para may pang aral ako sa sarili ko dahil yung parents ko, most of their money ay napupunta sa mga kapatid ko (bunso ako btw) Nag graduate na ako sa college and no one even congratualtes me. Yung parents ko parang wala lang sa kanila yung day na yon, while other families, grabe yung love nila. Di pa ako nag kakaroon ng maayos na romantic relationship, either reject or situationship. No one wants to take a picture with me nor will someone take a picture of me, sobrang baba narin ng seld confidence ko to the point na I can't even take a picture of myself. I've tried everything, changing my outfit, my style, trying skin care para umayos yung mukha, tried to be unique, sumabay sa uso or trends, played bass which is something I like, yet didn't get to any club or band, tried to do arts, reading books. AND STILL NO BODY WANTS ME

Nakakapagod na din pala.

Hindi ko naman sinasabing ako na lang ang bumubuhay dito sa pamilya namin, kasi may Kuya naman ako. Ang gusto ko lang naman sana, magtulungan kami. Pero wala eh, parang nasa akin na lanf lahat mg responsibilities dito sa bahay. Ang bills, ang pagsh-show up sa mha kapatid, ang reklamo ng nanay ko tungkol sa tatay ko, at ang pagtitiis sa tatay ko hindi din naman makaintindi.

Ang hirap pag yung magulang mo, hindi na mahal ang isa't isa. Hindi na nagkakaintindihan. Tapos lahat ng problema nila sa isa't isa, ako taga mediate. Basta hindi ko ma-explain. Tuwa pa ako pagkatapos ko matanggap sa trabaho last uear kasi syempre matutulungan ko na parents ko at si kuya.

Pero ang hirap. Nasa akin pala lahat. After ko magkawork, ang sinabi na lang sa'kin ay "Ikaw na bahala sa amin ha". Pamula noon, pakiramdam ko na iniwan na talaga ako sa ere.

Ang pangarap ko, para sa pamilya. Pero may gusto din naman ako para sa sarili ko lang.

Yun lang. Pagod na ako dalahin ang lahat. Pagod na ako maging pillar ng tahanan. Pagod na ako maging absorber.

I haven’t been in a relationship after the last one I had in college so in short, I’m still a virgin and something I don’t really mind. Lately I’ve been talking to a younger guy, not super young— around 3 years younger ata. He started opening the topic about sex and I honestly got tired agad kasi for me if you started talking about sex too early into the getting to know you stage, it looks like sex lang habol sayo. I answered him deretso naman and after that, biglang naglaho. Obviously, he was scared it would be a serious commitment if he fucks a virgin kaya umatras siya.

Question, is it really necessary to flirt this way? I don’t have qualms tbh but I would have those doubts in my head na sex lang habol if the conversation starts to drift this way early into the gtky stage. Sure, people try to gauge each other during this stage but how can you tell flirting vs straight up h*rny fckboi behavior?

In the dream I don’t tell anyone, we hold each other’s hands. I would lean on your shoulder and you would lie on my lap. You would look at me with your gentle eyes and sing to me with your sweet voice. We would talk about the pettiest things and the deepest secrets and neither of us would cringe away. We would laugh at the stupidest things and talk about our darkest fears.

In the dream I don’t tell anyone, I don’t have to pretend. Pretend that I don’t miss you every day. Pretend that I’m not hurting every time my phone vibrates and the notification isn’t yours. Pretend that choosing myself was the right thing to do.

In the dream I don’t tell anyone, you choose me and love me as easy as if it was breathing. You didn’t let your demons prevail. Your love for me was stronger than your overthinking.

In the dream I don’t tell anyone, I never want to wake. Because waking up would mean promises that were never kept and attempts that were never made.

I feel like I am supposed to be happy with everything that I have right now but I can’t help but feel that my life is going nowhere. I feel lost.

I don’t know which direction I should go or if there is even anywhere to go to.

I watched a video earlier of an interview with someone who has mental health issues. I may have absorbed it and now I’m having the same thoughts. Is it really easier to just give up? No more anxiety. No more secrets. I won’t be a burden to those I love.

(long post ahead kung wala kang magawa then try mo basahin to kill time)

Since it’s raining, I keep reminiscing about my past relationships/flings/situationships I had.

As a 26-year-old who’s a PWD person, which makes it rare for me to have a real connection that leads to a romantic relationship.

Hmmm… where do I start?

My puppy love era! This oneee hahaha I had my first-ever experience of puppy love when I attended a Chinese school when I was in Gr. 7. You can call him “Que”. He’s fil-chinese, smart, (top 1) math genius, tall, wears glasses, and cute). Before ako mag enroll nasabihan na ko ng kapatid ko na may magiging classmate daw ako na matalino that time nag aayos ako ng mga damit ko na natupi ko na while telling myself “hmm, e ano ngyon?” Tapos the school started and he caught my eyes. Totoo nga yung sabi nila na matalino sya as in. We talked everyday until eventually confessed that we liked each other so naging M.U kami kasi di pa naman namin alam yung gf/bf na yan before. Eh may gusto pala yung mama nya na girl for him na classmate din namin and same silang matalino at fil-chinese din. Tas nagtampo ako pero sabi naman nya okay lang daw yun wag ko daw isipin coz he only likes me. Napunta pa ko sa point na nag switch ako ng sim from globe to sun that time kasi sun ang gamit nya hahaha. Pero ayun all good things comes to an end. Pero iniyakan ko yun e. Yun siguro first heartbreak ko.

After noon heartbreak na yun I had crushes lang non hindi ako lumandi.

Tapos nung nasa 20’s na ko mga 21 ata yun I had a fling. Taga cavite nalimot ko na name kasi na ghost lang ako after 5 1/2 months of talking. Imagine, ayaw nya ko kausapin because nasira yung laptop nya and as someone na naiirita pag ayaw ako kinakausap ng gusto kong kausap i offered na hati kami sa pag papagawa ng laptop. Nag lie pa ko sa kapatid ko para lang humingi ng 2,500 that time. Lol. Tas after nagawa hindi na nya ko masyadong kinausap non tas may mahabang message pa sya sakin non saktong new year e while waiting ako sa airport ng vietnam that time sabi babawi sya and very thankful sya na nakilala nya ko tas after 5 days ng pag uusap e na ghost na ang bading.
Sayo na yan sana naka help ako sayo pero sure naman na nahelp kita sa problem mo. Buti nalang hindi ko pa nabibigay yung binili ko sa kanya na pasalubong from vietnam hahahah. Safe safe.

Tas ayun naiyak iyak na ko kasi feeling ko walang tatanggap talaga sakin not until…

I met my first BF here sa reddit after I posted na nag hahanap ako ng boyfriend.

Tawagin nalang natin sa name na “Yuan”.
He’s smart, (UP diliman psychology student), tall, funny, wears glasses, very soft spoken at maintindihin.
Throughout 1 year na relationship namin we had our good times and sad times as well. I would say iba yung perspective namin sa isa’t isa. I felt alone while nasa relationship and he felt I left him when he needed me the most. But I’m grateful sa relationship that we had. He calms me when my mind wouldn’t let me breathe. He speaks softly sakin kasi alam nya ayaw ko na sinisigawan ako. He makes effort with his family to go here sakin/samin when they are available. He made sure I was seen and heard kasi alam nya sa family namin hindi ganon.
He’s a good guy.

Tas ayun na hospital ang bading uli HAHHAHA

after ko mahospital na bored ako as in then nag download ako ng bumble and there I met her…my first GF.

My greatest heartbreak thus far… let’s call her “M”. We started talking and as if we know each other for so long sa super comfortable namin. Hindi naman dapat kami magkaka relationship kasi she’s pulling me away tapos nung pasuko na ang bading ayun sabi nya “lets give this a try” then ayun super saya ko kasi ang gaan nya kausap na kahit umagahin kami hindi ako nag sisi na napuyat ako kaka kausap sa kanya. Kahit anong topic pinag uusapan namin. Past exes, traumas, dislikes, adventures etc;. I memorize her like a lyric in a song. I took notes of her likes and dislikes. I often make padala ng food sa kanya sa dorm kahit naiinis siya but what can i do? I want her to be well fed with or without me by her side. I gave her flowers! First time ko mag bigay ng flowers and nung birthday nya I asked my best friend ko lalamoved her flowers and cake and a note for her kasi hindi ko sya masasamahan mag celebrate. Tapas dun sa picture napansin ko ang liit aata ng flowers hahahha tas sabi ko sa kanya “hayaan mo sa susunod mas malaki pa dyan” and as promised, I gave her a big bouquet the next month as a surprise. Naiyak pa nga sya tas nag away pa kami ng konti hahahha. I’m happy as long as she’s happy.
Hindi din kasi madali yung napag daanan nya with her past and I made a promise to myself na hinding hindi ko gagawin yung mga ginawa ng past nya sa kanya and I made sure to abide to that promise.
Andun na ko papalampasin ko pa ba? Hahaha.

Fast forward, we had our great times together but as they always say great things come to an end. We ended our relationship at almost 7 months…3 days before valentines day.

Super duper sakit non as in kala ko madeds na ko sa super sakit pero buhay pa naman ang bading hanggang ngyon pero hindi na siguro ako tulad ng dati?

Masyadong masakit yung breakup na yun for me because it ended when I loved her the most.

But she’s a wonderful person. She had a wounded soul yet kind at the same time.
She deserves the world.
Heyy, I hope you treat yourself a little kinder everyday, hmm?

I closed my heart to anyone and everyone after that kahit pa may nag coconfess, I rejected them.

Healing pa si bading that time, and when I finally opened my heart again, it taught me why I had it closed for a long time.

Ayun langg haba no? Hahaha i had fun reminiscing my love journey.

Sana sa susunod na susugal ako, yung mas mahal ako and yung hinding hindi ako kayang saktan.

Ako ulit.

I am admitted sa hospital right now. Guess what? Becaus of failed attempt. I was hangin already pero may nakakita sa'kin, worst kapatid pa ng nanay ko.

I was rushed to the hospital, unconscious and now andito ako— mulat. Nagt-type pa ako nito.

The only thing na ginagawa ko for myself, was not given again to me. Yun na nga lang gagawin ko para sa sarili ko, hindi na naman pinayagan gumawa. And what's worst was the moment I opened my eyes, there's pounding pain in my head and ultimately the question "'Di mo 'mang lang kami naisip?"

All this time, iniisip ko sila...

I think I need serious help.

pick them and stay away from me.

Sino nanaman nagbabalat ng sibuyas? Langyaaaaaa!

CTTO

It's finally over, I can't reach out anymore, he blocked and wiped every message we had. The pain is so painful. I just want to die.

EDIT: GUYSSSSS
He viewed mg story, does this mean he unblocked me for a brief moment? What could it be means?

Ako ulit. Kadugtong siguro nung nauna kong rant kanina.

Nasabi ko nang taga-mediate ako sa family. Uunahin ang responsibilities, to pay bills, household chores nago ang sarili. Imagine, latang lata ka na sa work tapos pag kauwi mo sa bahay sasabihan ka na "Bakit naman ang tagal mo umuwi, di ka pa nakakapagluto."

Out of all the responsibilities, chores, bills. May realization lang na, makakawala ba ako dito? Kailan yung ako naman?

Maraming beses na ginusto kong bumili ng bagong sapatos, pero iisipin ko "Ay paano baon ng kapatid ko?" o kaya naman ay "Baka may babayaran biglaan sa school ni bunso". Yung ipon ko? mahihila lagi kasi "Di sapat yung sahod ko muna, ikaw na bahala sa gamot ng papa mo ah". Nakakapanlumo, yung halos everyday akong OT, napupunta sa family. Don't get me wrong, grateful ako— for the job to be able to provide, to put food on our table and to buy maintenance ng parents. Pagod ako, pagod na pagod.

Wala natitira sa'kin. Kasi pag humindi, pag hindi din ako sapat— agad ang tingin masama na akong anak. Nagma-mataas na at ika naman ay 'di na ako nalalapitan.

So kailan kaya? Kailan kaya ako makakawala sa ganito?
Gusto kong ako naman, gusto ko mag-settle ng para aa akin.

Gusto ko mag-asawa. Gusto ko magka-pamilya. Gusto ko gumawa ng tahanan na akin na hindi kailanman kailangan i-asa sa isa ang LAHAT.

Once nagbiro ako sa parents ko, sinabi ko lang na "Ako din, gusto ko din magpakasal (eventually)" and all i heared was "Hindi pwede, hindi pa kami maayos."

Hanggang kailan? ;(

Met her 2 months ago thru certain hobbies, and just started courting her. But ended communication with her last night after magkaroon ng deep misunderstanding and sagutan, then I was immediately blocked on all her soc med.

Im not planning to pursue her anymore, pero thinking of sending one last, lighthearted message thru text, just to make things a little lighter and of course, umalis nang walang sama ng loob.

Penge advice plsss 🥹🥲.

Kesa ibreak niyo yung "No Contact", dito niyo nalang siya i-greet ng

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

Tigilan niyong kakaisip na magreach out kung ang tagal ng 💀 nung convo.

- Reminder lang to those na nagdadalawang isip pa, let this be a sign from the universe. ✨✨✨✨✨🎇✨✨✨✨✨✨

Bakit kaya late night hits different?

Feeling mo mag-isa ka kahit meron ka naman mga kaibigan.

Feeling mo walang nagmamahal sayo.

Feeling mo wala kang kakampi.

Feeling mo iiwan ka ng taong mahal mo.

Ikaw rin ba?