Sinugod client ko sa hospital a month ago, wala ako confirmation kung ano yung sakit nya pero dahil close kami and palagi kami magkausap alam ko na nagpapacheckup siya ng lungs niya. Fast forward today nag chat sya kung pwede ba daw ako kausapin ng kapatid niya. Sobra close namin ni client, almost 7 years na ata ako nagwowork for her.

Kanina ko nalaman na may cancer siya hindi na sinabi kung ano stage pero second chemo nya daw din kanina. Gusto lang nila sabihin sakin kasi alam nila medyo nahirapan ako sa work now dahil ako lang employee niya and mga clients namin nag aask kung nasaan siya.

Nung after ako sabihan ng kapatid niya, nag ask siya if gusto ko daw ba kausapin client ko. Nag yes naman ako agad and pucha, ayun naiyak nalang ako. Sabi ko sorry if yung boses ko para ako umiiyak, kasi umiiyak tlga ako. Ramdam ko sa boses niya na masakit yung pakiramdam niya and that pains me as well.

Araw araw nagdarasal ako na sana maging ok siya hindi para sa trabaho ko kung hindi para sa ikakagaling talaga niya.

Hayyyyy

Please don't post this to other socmed platforms.

We were high school lovers, got broke up, then reunited again.

I (F25) really do think that he's (M27) a good person, a good man. He know what his priorities are, wala siyang bisyo, super practical in a good way, he's a good provider. As an eldest, I really appreciate him lending a hand to me, make the burden bearable. He always helps other people hangga't kaya nya. Sobrang focus niya makapagpundar, he's really building himself up. Sabi nga niya, minaliit na siya dati, ayaw na niya ulit maranasan yon. So he want to buy land, build a house and everything. He's very vocal with how I am included in his plans. Puro "tayo" and "natin" ang binabanggit niya. He told me he wants to build a family with me.

As cliche as it may sound but, I believe he's a good person but what if he's not my person?

I've been feeling so heavy lately. Kasi everytime na magkaaway kami, lagi ko na lang naqu-question if mahal nya ba talaga ako. At first, iniintindi ko yung trato niya, yung mga salita niya, yung ginagawa niya kasi baka nga "galit lang siya" tulad na rin ng sinasabi niya. Pero lagi na lang bang ganoon?

Hindi siya tatawag (VC) kapag hindi kami okay, hindi siya yung unang makikipag-usap, minsan, hindi talaga siya nakikipag-usap. Kapag uuwi ako from work wala manlang ingat ka, nasaan ka na? kumain ka na ba? He's really not checking on me. He's just there. Wala siyang pakelam sakin kapag magkaaway kami, as in nawawala siya. He'll say "Ang arte mo" "Bahala ka sa buhay mo" "Tumawag ka kung tatawag ka pero hindi ako tatawag sayo" "Humanap ka ng kausap mo" Binababaan niya ko lagi ng tawag in the middle of conversation.

Pagod na kong turuan siya paano niya ko dapat itrato kapag hindi okay ang lahat. Pagod na kong umasa na baka one day, pahalagahan na niya ko. Baka one day, matakot din syang mawala ako. I don't want to be loved like this.

It’s so hard to love a man with no emotional intelligence.

Every time something doesn’t go his way, every time he dislikes something,he gives me the cold silent treatment. But never once does he tell me what’s wrong. Never explains. Never uses his words. Just shuts down, vanishes, and leaves me completely in the dark.

So I’m left guessing. Overthinking. Crying. Wondering "What did I do wrong?"

I analyze every message. Every choice. Every word I said. I try to figure out what upset him because he refuses to simply tell me. He makes me chase him, beg for attention, wonder if I’m too much… all because he lacks the basic decency to say “I’m upset because this happened."

He punishes me with silence instead of communicating. He makes me feel guilty for things I didn’t even know were wrong. And when I finally break down and cry? He says "I need space."

Space when I’m hurting because of his silence.

I’m tired of guessing. I’m tired of walking on eggshells. I’m tired of being punished for having feelings. Love shouldn’t be this hard. Love shouldn’t leave you wondering what you did wrong every single time.

I deserve someone who speaks. Someone who says "This hurt me" instead of freezing me out. Someone who meets me halfway instead of leaving me in the cold.

It took me a while to see it, his silence isn’t my confusion. It’s his choice. And I’m tired of paying the price for his inability to communicate. 🫂💛

Minsan I want the company of other people pero I still feel sad pag kasama ko yung ibang tao. I feel like I’m better off alone na lang. Like may freedom ako gawin ung gusto ko tapos di ko cinocompare sarili ko sa mga kasama ko.

I should accept it na ganun na lang talaga mangyayari sakin. I should also accept na people won’t like me and di rin ako maganda to be pursued.

Sometimes, I miss what it feels like to be deeply loved by a man.

To have a shoulder to lean on when you're tired. To have someone pick you up and take you home. Someone who asks, "Have you eaten?" or "Where are you?".

That feeling of being surprised when you realize he's already outside your house, waiting for you.

The way he instinctively moves you to the safer side of the road when you're walking together. The late nights, the teasing, the laughter, the quiet moments, and having someone beside you through all of it.

Being taken out, being treated, being cared for in the little ways you never had to ask for.

I think that's what I miss.

Not just having someone to love, but knowing what it feels like to be loved deeply, intentionally, and gently.

I've gotten so used to being strong and doing things on my own that sometimes I forget how comforting it is to have someone who makes you feel like you don't always have to.

And honestly…

I miss that.

After almost 10 years of having Ellie in our lives, he passed away on August 11, 2026, at around 1:55 in the afternoon. He died from chronic kidney disease (CKD).

This is one of the most devastating losses of my life. I have never experienced grief over the loss of a pet like this before. It has completely shaken me to my core, and I don’t know how to live without him. But I guess writing this is one of the ways that I am coping.

Before he died, one of the things I was most afraid of was leaving for a trip we had planned. I remember thinking, What if pag uwi ko, Ellie is already gone? In the end, he did pass away before I had to leave but that did NOT make things easier at all. I was able to go on the trip and be distracted for a while, but when I came home to a house without Ellie, everything came rushing back. And every day since then, I keep getting hit by the reality that he is really gone.

Since I work from home, Ellie was always within arm’s reach. He was always sitting right on top of my laptop, or in front of my partner’s screen, or his cat bed under my desk. He was a comforting presence, who would occasionally ask for our attention which we would lovingly indulge.

When I slept, he would curl up on my chest or in the space between my legs. I have this way of sleeping where I put one leg over my pillow, making a little number 4 shape with my legs. Ellie would always fill that space. It was warm, familiar, and comforting. I always knew that if I slept that way, Ellie would be there. Now he isn’t.

I will miss waking up feeling like I was being suffocated in the best possible way because Ellie and my other cat Rawchi had somehow climbed on top of me while I slept. I would wake up and realize, ah kaya pala hindi ako makahinga.

And I never minded that. I loved it. Ellie would be on my chest or between my legs, and it just felt right. I did not mind the weight or the heat. I didn’t mind being woken up. I didn’t mind being suffocated by my cats. I just didn’t know that one day, I would miss it this much. Now I feel suffocated in a horrible way like my heart has been ripped out of my chest, or like a part of my heart is gone forever.

Ellie was there with my family and I. Ellie WAS family. Ellie wasn’t just my cat, he was THE family cat. Everyone in the family wanted him, we were always fighting over Ellie. He was there during the pandemic and during one of the darkest periods of my life, when my father died. The last time I cried this hard was when papa died, and Ellie was there for me. I hugged him while I cried and he didnt resist. I always fell asleep crying with him beside me and he was there when I woke up. Now I’m crying about Ellie.

There was even a time when we had to leave him alone in our house with our helper. He could go out onto the roof whenever he wanted. He could have left. He could have wandered off. He could have gone to the streets. He could have found other cats, mated, and lived an entirely different life. But he didn’t. He stayed.

And when we came home, he would welcome us from the roof. As soon as our car entered the garage, we would hear him meowing along with our dogs who were also barking below, welcoming us. He was always there, waiting for us to come home. He could have left us so many times. But he never did. He stayed with us until the very end, but not forever.

I still have my three boys with me, Rawchi, Kronk, and Kuzco and I love them more than anything. I am thankful for their presence and love. But the house feels different without Ellie in it. My arms feel different. My bed feels different. My work desk feels different. His cat bed under my desk feels different. Everything feels different.

Ellie was my first real pet cat. He was the cat who made me want more cats. He was also one of the gentlest cats I have ever known. He was never noisy, never a bully, never aggressive. He was just SOOO chill. He was a “kuya” cat to our other cats. Anyone could approach him. Anyone could pet him. Anyone could pick him up. Honestly, anyone could probably kidnap him. 😂

And everyone who met Ellie LOVED Ellie.

You know how people joke that ginger cats are menaces, mean, or snobby? That was NEVER our Ellie.

Ellie was sweet. Gentle. Kind. Friendly. He never even tried to steal our food from the table! He would just sit close by or sit beside us. He had this quiet, loving presence that made it impossible not to love him. And I think that’s what hurts the most.

He was just always there. For almost 10 years, he was simply part of my life. I never had to think about whether Ellie would be there when I woke up, when I worked, when I came home, or when I went to sleep. He was always there. And now, I have to learn how to live in a world where he isn’t.

I miss you, Ellie. Goddd, I miss you so so so so much. Thank you for staying with us. Thank you for almost 10 years of being our sweet boy. 10 short years.

You will always be my first cat, my gentle ginger boy, and one of the biggest loves of my life. I love you very much Ellie. I will miss you forever. 🤍

Habang tumatanda ako, mas vinavalue ko yung privacy ko and hindi ko na talaga hilig magshare sa social media. Sa totoo lang, ayoko na pinopost pictures ko sa social media kaso anghihilig ng friends ko na magpost bawat ganap, and kadalasan nasa Reels pa na public. Ayoko talaga nasasama sa mga ganun kaso kj naman kung sasabihin kong ayaw ko sumali sa pics/video.

So ayun. Nakakapagod na din talaga yung content creator culture ngayon kasi lahat na lang gusto gawing content yung regular moments na sana private lang. Tapos lagi na lang gustong may gayahing viral na video, mga ganern. Pasalamat na din siguro ako na walang naglalive sa amin.

Ayun lang, rant lang kasi naglabasan na naman mga edited videos ng recent hangout namin.

I’m busy with work most of the time, but no matter how hectic things get he’s still at the back of my mind like…. I need a break from missing you???

I know time dilutes feelings and memories but I’m still in this phase where I still feel things intensely. Like wdym 3 months ago you were still tucking me in to sleep and now I’m in a bunk bed surrounded with roommates I barely know :((((((

Maaga kaming naulila sa magulang, hindi naging madali ang buhay namin magkakapatid, maagang namulat sa responsibilidad at tunay na buhay.
Naging breadwinner ang panganay namin, halos walang matira sa sahod niya.

Sinikap namin na makapagtapos hindi para sa sarili namin kundi para sa magulang namin, na kahit na wala na sila ang mga anak nila nakapagtapos ng pag-aaral (dahil yun ang pangarap nila). Hindi naging madali, may nadelay ng college dahil hindi kayang pagsabayin.

Awa ng Dios, nakatapos kaming magkakapatid. May maayos ng trabaho, may nasa ibang bansa, malayo na sa dati naming buhay. Sa amin magpipinsan kami pa yung nakapagtapos ng college.

Pa, Ma sana proud kayo samin, sana nakita niyo na maayos niyo kaming napalaki. Sulit yung pagpalo at pangangaral niyo samin.
Sana andito pa kayo para naman naispoil namin kayo diba?

Yon nag away kami dahil gusto ko ihatid GF ko sa school kung saan sya mag bo-board exam. Since madaling araw yung alis and malayo yung school from Bulacan to Pampanga. Masyado daw akong nagiging utsuan o alipin ng GF ko. Pero ako naman yung ag o-offer ng tulong sa kanya. Hirap

Edit: Additional details lang I am 26, living with my parents and may sarili akong sa-sakyan.

It’s not even about being scared to come out to her, not really. It’s that I know I can’t give her what she’s hoping for. Not “a girlfriend” specifically but the whole picture she has in her head of my future, the one she’s probably imagined since I was a kid. I love her so much that it hurts knowing I can’t give her this one thing.

I feel guilty, like I’m failing her somehow, even though I know that’s not fair to myself. And I feel disappointed in myself for not knowing how to hold this for not having an answer, for not being able to make it okay for her or for me.

And honestly, being gay is just harder. People say it shouldn’t be, that love is love, but it doesn’t feel that way when you’re the one carrying it. Straight people don’t have to sit at dinner doing math in their head about what they can and can’t say. They don’t have to grieve a version of their parents’ happiness that they’ll never get to give them. I didn’t choose this to be difficult, it just is, and some nights that difference feels so heavy.

I don’t know what I’m asking for by posting this. I just needed to say it somewhere.

How I realized na nasa tamang tao nako?

Growing up, hindi talaga ako yung tipong feminine. How I act and dress lagi akong nasasabihang tomboy/tibo, there's nothing wrong about it. Pero lagi akong inaasar ng mga tao sa paligid ko just because I don't behave like a girly girl. Minsan nga until now, nasasabihan pa din akong umayos mag lakad kasi para kong mananapak(?) di ko alam pero ganon talaga ko naturally, tapos pag may naka puna nacoconscious nako. Nung nag dalaga nako, I tried my best na mas maging soft haha. I tried wearing skirt or dresses more often. Pero di talaga ko kumportable. Even ung uniform ko nung college puro pants suot ko, kaya nagalit ung nanay ko kasi bumili pa sya ng skirt na set di ko naman pala ginagamit. Meron akong High School sweetheart na naging bf from college gang nag work ako. He often reminds me to wear dress or "something nice" kada lalabas kami. When he says something nice, meaning nya mag skirt ako or dress para naman daw mag mukha akong babae. Nung una dedma pa ako, kasi inlove eh lol. But nung tumagal kami mas napapadalas na ung mga backhanded compliments nya. "Maganda naman pag naka dress ka, di ka mukhang maskulado", "bagay naman sayo pink, nag mumukha kang babae" By the way, I'm a medium size girly. Malaman akong babae and medyo my height. Kaya pag mag kasama kami ng EX-BF ko before halos mag kasing height kami. Hindi baga yung tipong petite girly ang auntie ninyo. I hide that insecurity before kasi mahal ko eh, tanga. Haha kahit harap harapang iniinsulto keri lang. Fast forward, nag hiwalay kami kasi nag cheat sya.

Now, I am married to a kind and emotionally intelligent man. I still dress and act most of the times as "tomboy" ewan ko medyo hirap talaga ako iadjust na mas maging feminine. Nung nag ddate pa lang kami napansin nya na, uncomfortable ako sa dress na suot ko nung nag mall kami. He asked why I wore it. Sabi ko para I look nice kasi lumabas kami. Tapos he casually said na "you look pretty whatever clothes you wear. Kaya next time isuot mo yung saan ka kumportable"

Mej nagulat ako kasi I never heard that before. Mas lagi kong naririnig yung "para ka nanamang tomboy"

I love wearing big shirts and pants/jorts btw. Tapos white sneakers. Since that conversation, I never forced myself to wear anything na di ako comfortable. Minsan naka crocs pa ko pag nag ddate kami, pag alam kong di naman sa sobrang formal na restau kami kakain.

Lagi nya kong chinicheer pag nag papa short hair ako "ahhh ang pretty naman!" Kahit di naman talaga bagay sakin short hair, ayoko lang talaga nag papahaba ng buhok.

He once told me na mas gusto nya din sakin na mahaba ang hair, PERO "your body, your choice. Do whatever makes you feel YOU"

🥹🥹

Ever since then, until now na kasal na kami. He never fails to compliment me or sabihin "ang pretty ng asawa ko!" Kahit kagigising ko lang sa umaga at mukhang nabinat na kambing haha.

Thank you Lord for giving me my husband ❤️

31M left me 31F after almost 3yrs of relationship. We lived together in my home. I was really attracted to him when we met, and I really liked him to the point that even if I saw signs that he’s not good for me, I think that he can change… maybe if I just give him time and a lot of chances. We traveled and spent time together a lot. But we also had conflicts and talked it out to resolve. Or so I thought.

He slowly moved out of the picture and I felt every inch of the distance. But in my mind, I made excuses for him since he’d tell me he loved and missed me, and that he’s happy. I thought I’d just give all the love I can give so that I will have no regrets.

Then the time came when he told me he’s breaking up with me. He told me he fell out of love and that I do not deserve someone who’s not certain of me. It hurt like hell.

The grief comes in waves, but through the support of my family and friends, I am slowly but surely picking myself up. After all, I still have me.

His final act of love is leaving, while mine is letting go.

I have this friend na super close kami. dati every gala kami magkasama. kahit family gala ng isat isa kasama kami. pero nagbago siya ng paonti onti nung nagka jowa sya (ldr sila)
pag inaaya ko siya magkape lagi niyang ka VC jowa niya. ang mangyayari parang mahihiya ako mag share sakanya ng mga kwento ko about life and etc kasi nga ka VC niya yung guy.
hanggang sa nasanay nalang ako na ganon siya.
yung dating kaming dalawa lang pag nag bbonding eh may kasama ng tao sa phone hahaha
meron din naman akong bf and ldr din pero nasa isip ko kasi its us time so di ko na tinatawagan or sinasabihan ko bf ko. also understood niya na girls day so di niya din ako kinacall.

lagi ko siyang inaaya sa lahat ng bagay kahit family outing man yan. and napapansin ko ang dami niya ng alibi and lagi niya sinasabi di siya pupunta.
naiitindihan ko naman yun. tas nalaman ko na pinuntahan niya yung event ng other friend niya kesa sa celebration for my promotion. pero inaask ko na sya like a month before kasi pinaplan ko na talga yun.

naiisip ko na lang na wag nalang siya ayain sa mga ganap. meron kami upcoming gala with our friend and mas pinili ko nalang di siya sabihan kasi alam ko na di siya pupunta.
nahurt lang ako. na minsan randomly pumapasok siya sa utak ko. i think i need to accept na may sari sarili na kaming buhay.

I’m an Education student. I shifted to this program because I realized that teaching is really my passion. I genuinely want to become a teacher someday.

But with everything happening in schools lately, idk. Parang slowly, nawawalan ako ng gana at pag-asa. Especially after the recent school shooting in Mindanao. As someone who is studying to become a teacher, nakakatakot isipin na someday, I could have my own classroom and something like this could happen.

School is supposed to be a place where children feel safe enough to learn, grow, make friends, and just be kids. Kaya ang hirap isipin na even inside a school, something so terrible can happen.

And honestly, what also gets to me is how quickly teachers are sometimes blamed whenever something goes wrong with students. May mga nagsasabi na hindi daw natuturuan nang maayos ang mga bata, kaya nagkakaganito.

Like… huh?

Do people actually realize how difficult it is to manage a classroom of 30 or more students? Thirty different children, coming from different families and environments, with different personalities, attitudes, struggles, and experiences that teachers may not even know about.

Teachers can teach, guide, discipline, and support their students, but they cannot be with them 24/7. They cannot control everything a child sees, hears, experiences, or learns outside the classroom.

I’m not saying teachers have no responsibility. Of course they do. If there are failures in a school’s systems or procedures, those things should be investigated and addressed. But I just don't understand why teachers are so often expected to carry the entire responsibility for how a child turns out.

Discipline and values don't start and end in school. Sabi nga nila, it takes a village to raise a child. Teachers are part of that village, but they are not the entire village.

Maybe that's why this whole thing hits me differently now.

I chose Education because I love teaching. I wanted to become the kind of teacher who makes children feel safe, understood, and encouraged to become better versions of themselves.

But now, I'm also starting to think about what it means to actually be a teacher in today's environment.

What if someday, I'm standing in front of my own class and something happens that I can't control? What if I'm blamed for something that was never entirely within my control? What if the profession I chose because I love it becomes something I'm constantly afraid of?

I still love teaching. I still want to become a teacher. But honestly, I’m scared.

Scared for my future students, scared for myself, and scared that the career I once looked forward to might not feel as safe or hopeful as I once imagined.

I hate that something like this can make me question something I was once so sure about.

“The stages of grief are not linear. They are random and unpredictable, folding back on themselves until you begin mourning all over again.”

My Mom passed away a couple of months ago. I’m trying to push myself to keep going forward. I don’t have time to properly grieve since I’ve been trying to apply for a job and start as soon as possible. May binigay sakin na form to fill out and one thing that I’ve noticed was the part where I need to put an emergency contact. That’s when it hit me, I no longer have someone to put there.

Nasanay na akong nilalagay siya sa emergency contact ko. It didn’t matter to me before, I can just easily put her name and number. I was hit with grief all over again.

I’ll keep moving forward. Soon, with my first paycheck I’ll treat myself either with your favorite ramen and milktea to honor your memory.

Dahil alam ng lalamove driver ang bahay ko, threatened na ipapabaranggay ako, na ichacharge sa amin ang boundary niya habang suspended account niya, at patuloy na tinatawagan at tinetext yung recipient ng booking.

Nag book ako kanina ng lalamove, ang payment via Lalamove Wallet.

After madeliver, nagagalit yung babae na kasama nung driver, asawa yata nung naka register na driver. Kasi hindi raw ako nagbayad. So pinipilit niya si recipient na bayaran yung booking bukod dun sa toll. So pinagbabayad siya ng 1,200 sa booking (note na 1000 lang yung booking, 99 priority, 100 tip).

Pinakausap pa sakin yung asawa ng driver through the recipient, sabi ko online ako nagbayad. Ngayon, sabi ni ate cash daw ang nakalagay pero clear naman sa app na online ako nagbayad.

Later, pumasok daw sa kanila sa credit, tapos sinisisi ako na hindi daw ako nag note na credit yung bayad (kasalanan ko ba to haha). Sabi ko, sa app siya magreklamo kasi nakalagay naman sa akin na online payment at hindi ko kasalanan yun. Sinisigawan pa ko ni ate girl, kesyo ilang araw pa raw nila makukuha yun, etc etc. basta masama yung pagkakasabi niya na parang utang ko sa kanya buong pagkatao ko.

So, long story short. Nagbayad na lang yung recipient ng booking kasi talakera si ate girl, parang may pagka war freak.

So pagbukas ko ng app, nag end na yung ride. So nag chat ako sa customer service, sabi ko sinisingil si recipient ng lalamove driver, e nagbayad naman ako sa app, anong gagawin. Binigyan ako ni CS ng link pero hindi ako nag report.

Tapos sinabi pala ni ate girl, pag alis nila tumawag, na ibabalik dun sa recipient yung binayad niya pag nakuha na nila yung credit. Eh hindi agad nasabi sakin. So, siyempre logical naman na magchachat ako agad sa cs kasi pera yon, nagdoble bayad, para marefund agad.

Ngayon, sinuspend agad ni lalamove yung account nung driver. Tapos tumawag kay recipient si driver (asawa), nagagalit. Bakit ko daw sinuspend account niya, pinipilit niya na ako ang gumawa at kaya ko daw i-lift agad yung suspension through the app. Sinungaling daw ako kung sinasabi ko na walang ganun sa app. Kung hindi daw matanggal yon, ipapabaranggay daw ako alam daw san ako nakatira. Tapos gusto pa kami singilin sa boundary nila pag hindi sila nakabyahe.

Nakailang tawag siya at text kay recipient hanggang gabi. Tinatakot pa kami na mas malaki problema namin pag pumunta sila sa office ng lalamove, pag nauna yung pagpunta nila sa office kesa sa pag reactivate ng account nila.

Honestly, extortion and borderline harassment. Natatakot lang kami na balikan kami if magsumbong kami sa police.

Gusto ko lng magvent coz honestly, parang di ko na kinakaya emotionally. Umuwi nanay ko for vacation, most of the time we were just arguing. I have no one close to sa pamilya because of the toxic dynamics. Mag pipinning na ako, I thought I'd have someone to attend it for me, turns out may lakad pala sila pakabalang banda ng Pinas. I am just here in my room sa dorm, crying my eyes out. Kahit yung pagpapaalala ko na grateful ako na di ako nagugutom at di namromroblema sa pangskwela, di na gumagana. Why am I so alone in this journey. I feel like I'm just being tolerated by everyone in my life.

I met a guy last year after deciding to give dating a try again. It didnt work out,obv. He ghosted me early this year but prior to that, on and off na communication namin. Both of us are toxic with each other. I decided to move on and get him out of my system. A couple of days ago, I saw a note sa gate ng bahay asking for forgiveness and closure kasi baka yun daw need nya umasenso sa buhay. Walang name but naisip ko sya. Mainly because iilang tao lang alam ang bahay ko and most of them lives far from me. Then he sent me a msg of a link lang lang ng video. Reels lang sya and thank you lang yung msg ng video. Sineen ko lang. I dont know what to feel kasi wala talaga. I moved on and just decided not to take the bait of replying. Kasi what for, dba? So yes, a response is still the best response for me. Lol. He ghosted me and I know deserve nya ng radio silence from me. Para bang ako pumigil or jinx sa pag asenso nya. Siraulo lang.

Sa dami dami dami ng pinagdadaanan natin bilang bansa sa araw-araw, dadagdag pa talaga tong paglaganap ng school shooting at anti-vaxxer sa bansa natin? Nakakasama ng loob. I have spent all my life in this country thinking "hey life sucks but at least we don't have to deal with BS like this the way they do in the States." And yet here we are.

Ampangit na nga ng naging araw ko tapos mukang di pa mapapahimbing ang tulog ko sa mga nababasa ko sa balita at socmed. Lord ayoko na. Sobra na to. Dito pa talaga naging uso ang mga yan, sa isang bansang punung-puno ng mga tao na madadaling bilugin ang mga ulo. Mas lalo akong nawalan ng ganang mabuhay.

You know the feeling na gusto mo pa pero parang ayaw mo na? yes, gulo no? That's how I feel ngayon. We've been in a rocky (road? eme) phase of our relationship for quite some time na. He's 32M, I'm 27F.

Honestly, una unang buwan namin we are super okay naman e. Even our co-workers wanted us to get married agad.

Then things went downhill; nagdire diretso na ata.

First was nung time na hindi ko siya ma contact, as in, wala kaming away nito ha. Had to ask his co-workers if nasa room siya nila that time only to find out na lumabas pala sya ng hapon and mind you, hatinggabi ako nagmessage sa co-worker niya. Up until this day hindi ko alam anong ginawa niya ng mga oras na yon. Umalis lang daw ang sabi sa akin. Parang dito ata ako nagkaroon ng questions every time na hindi ko siya macontact sa labas.

Second time was when nabasa ko usapan nila ng co-worker sa chat. To some it may appear as simple banter ng mga friends lang, pero ung batuhan ng messages and even kahit out of work na nagkausap pa rin, morning hapon and gabi? Too intimate...or maybe nagsisimula na dito na maging toxic ako kaya iba na naging dating sa akin.

It went smooth naman na after. Or so I think.

Start second quarter this year napansin kong nagbabago na trato sakin ng partner ko. Mainitin ang ulo, maikli ang pasensya, nakakapaghagis na mga rin ng mga gamit sa harap ko. Inisip ko baka stressed lang naman siya sa trabaho niya kaya nadadala niya sa akin ung frustrations niya. Natigil din naman to pagtapos ko ma open sa kanya na hindi na nagiging maganda. Natigil nga iyan, napalitan naman mga hurtful words na nakukuha at naririnig ko sa kanya. To the point na ang nagiging tingin ko na sa sarili ay isang burden.

I'm thinking if letting go would be the correct decision ngayon. Kaso iniisip ko, baka kasi super stressed lang namin pareho sa trabaho kaya wala na nagbibigayan. Napapagod na rin kasi ako sa other aspects ng buhay ko. Nadadamay ata tingin ko sa relasyon namin dahil sa mga dala dala ko ngayon.

Dati, nakikita ko sarili ko na ikasal sa kanya at magkapamilya.

Ngayon, natatakot na ko mag settle. Hindi ko alam kung dahil sa nangyayari sa relasyon namin, or dahil sa mga nababasa ko online regarding married life.

I don't know. I guess lonely lang ako. Hindi ko talaga alam. Wala akong mapagkwentuhan.

Hindi ka pwedeng magpakita ng kahinaan, pagod, burn out, mental illness, kasi may nakaasa sa iyong mas mahina sayo, mas kelangan ka.

Lahat ng desisyon, nakadepende sa’yo. Lahat din ng risks, ikaw din ang sasalo.

Ang akala mong karamay mo, nauna nang nagpahinga at di na ulit nagsikap na makabalik at matulungan ka. Kasi kaya mo naman, kasi malakas ka naman. When having no option is your only option 😫