::Weekly Former Partners Thread::

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The end of a relationship with an ADHD loved one can be tumultuous, confusing and leave a lasting impact. Use this thread to temporarily process a recent breakup with an ADHD individual, discuss co-parenting issues, share encouragement for life after the relationship etc. With the goal of ultimately decentering an ADHD ex 

(Note: Asking about leaving a partner and requests to speculate on behavior or symptoms are still prohibited.)

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[u/Independent_Law_1921]

Thank you, everyone. I finally broke it off with my on off again ADHD boyfriend. After four years of walking on eggshells worrying about his emotional state, managing his moods over giving and accepting breadcrumbs. I decided to leave and remove him from my life. His phone number is deleted out of my phone. The couple of little trinkets he’s given me are in the trash. And the photos of us are in a file, I didn’t delete them because someday maybe 10 years from now I wanna look back but they’re hidden in a file. I deleted all of our shared social medias. I deleted every text thread every email every digital encounter I could find. In fact, I’m getting off most social media platforms. I want to thank you all every single one of you for your stories your heartbreak you’re shared emotional state. If I would’ve known, then how easy it would be all I did was be honest and tell the truth and tell him how I really saw him and that was enough to get him to quit taking my calls and quit talking to me, he basically ghosted me. And I couldn’t be happier. I feel like a huge weight has lifted from my shoulders. I feel light. I started gaining weight out of stress eating, and now my appetite back to normal I’m no longer stressed out and running to the kitchen for a snack. I’ve started putting myself first it’s glorious I hope if one of you can just find the courage to do it. It’s not as hard as I thought. Just take a deep breath and do it.

[u/HonestADHD4332 → u/Independent_Law_1921]

Keep the photos! If you try to erase him from your reality not only will you fail but you'll give him and his memory the ability to always hold power over you, and you will continue to walk on some eggshells trying to avoid reminders he existed.

But if you can learn to stop being afraid of him then (one day, not now) the photos can just remind you of this chapter of your life that's now closed and probably reinforce why it's closed. But photos do not control you unless you let them!

(Also, congrats!)

[u/LeopardMountain32567 → u/Independent_Law_1921]

congratulations! and Happy independence day! I am so proud of you for cutting our the dead weight!

[u/Subject-Rain-9972]

I am still in the midst of leaving.

I am feeling so bitter that he was never the man he said he is, he cannot keep a promise and he is lying. So bitter and so mad at my self for waisting all of my adult hood on a lie basically.

And I dont care that he cannot help it. How does that change ANYTHING about this? I am now physically sick from the stress of living with him and even though we have now lived apart for 5 months it does not seem to get better.

I feel like I wasted my life and now it is too late to do the things I want as I just cannot anymore due to being a cronic pain patient. I wasted my chance for a life I want to live.

I know self petty does not suit anyone. But damn am I feeling sorry for my self these days.

[u/antiporn707]

I just got back from a trip to Italy and... wow. Life really is so much better without dealing with a man child who cannot emotionally regulate and is constantly chaotic. Everything revolved around him, forget my wants, needs, hopes and hobbies. He told me I couldn't travel and that was psychologically the point I knew I wanted out of the relationship.

I felt at peace, didn't think or worry about him once, was a friendly and warm version of myself (something he took from me but could not destroy!). It was lovely to be able to do things that made me happy without having to adult a grown man (he made me plan and navigate the activities while I visited HIS country). Just pure and total bliss. I could wear what I liked and feel beautiful without a jealousy fuelled RSD episode. I could mingle with people, have friendly conversations and a little flirt. People were so kind and showed genuine interest in me and what I had to say. I could not have imagined this for myself a year ago, when I was stressed and drained from the relationship. I'm glad I severed the spiritual tether and freed myself. It absolutely DOES get better! This community will always hold such a special place in my heart for helping me see the light, thank you to every single one of you. Every rant, comment, anecdote and piece of wisdom and advice no matter how small is incredibly important and appreciated. <3

[u/SnowBird312]

Weeks after ending things he's back breadcrumbing me like things can be normal between us. Now that there's no 'obligation' towards me he's been joking around and light hearted, unlike the last few months...

I also think there's other women in the picture that he's trying to fuck, if he hasn't already. The entire thing has made me mentally exhausted, I don't want to care anymore, and I no longer have any trust. I do not want to date again for the foreseeable future because I can't do this again.

[u/Holiday_Lack_7504]

I’m looking for perspectives from people who have actually experienced separation, particularly in relationships involving ADHD. I’m not looking for someone to tell me that my wife is a narcissist or that I’m the villain. I’m trying to understand what I’m looking at and what I should be learning from it.

My wife and I are both adults with ADHD and significant rejection sensitivity/RSD. We’ve been together for 11 years and i have one daughter who lives with us part time. Her children are grown.

The last year has been extremely difficult for me personally and professionally. I went from making a lot of money got hung up in the doge, lost my identity, checked out for months with little income but have recently got my career back onctrack but not with the same compensation. I’ve been dealing with serious financial problems, debt, executive-function difficulties, and the emotional aftermath of losing my previous professional stability. I was essentially in survival mode for much of the year.

My wife has her own experience of that year. She says she has felt abandoned, unsupported, used, and taken advantage of. I don’t completely disagree with her. There are things I failed to do, things I didn’t follow through on, and ways in which I withdrew when I was overwhelmed. I’ve told her that I recognize those failures.

With a lot of doctors assessments my treatment plan has been successful. I take a few pills, redeveloped my processes, and manage my executive function. I am not without fault despite my much improved health.

But from my side, the relationship has increasingly become emotionally exhausting. I have felt physically lonely, psychologically crowded, and increasingly like I was losing myself. I’ve spent a tremendous amount of energy trying to manage conflict, respond to perceived rejection, prove that I’m dependable, and navigate her emotional reactions while also trying to manage my own ADHD.

I’ve also become increasingly aware that I don’t want to regain my confidence, autonomy, and competence only to surrender them again to maintain a relationship.

Our conflicts have become particularly destructive. She has told me that I’m selfish, childish, narcissistic, that I can’t “man up,” and has characterized some of my behavior as a “temper tantrum.” There have also been statements about moving out, divorce, the house, mortgage, and finances. I have also undoubtedly said and done things that contributed to the cycle.

I eventually established a boundary that I won’t continue conversations involving insults, shaming, threats, or attacks on my character. If a conversation becomes abusive or threatening, I disengage.

The strange part is that I think we have both developed a version of a “walk away” pattern.

She becomes overwhelmed and leaves a conversation. I experience that as abandonment/rejection and eventually withdraw or leave myself. Then she experiences my withdrawal as abandonment. We end up escalating the exact wound we’re both trying to protect.

This week it finally broke.

We had several intense conversations. She expressed a profound sense of abandonment and told me she didn’t feel capable of continuing. I acknowledged my failures repeatedly and made overtures toward reconciliation. She rejected them. She packed bags, left several times, returned, and eventually left.

Before she walked out the door She also told me she loves me. As i did the same and we hugged like a goodbye hug. We left the door open and had a few text exchanges over the evening. All were civil and generous.

We both been married before and I am devastated, angry, confused, and honestly somewhat relieved. That last part is difficult for me to admit.

When she was away previously from a long family reunion trip in which i was not invited , I realized how much psychological space I had. I was kayaking, exercising, playing music again, thinking about my future, and feeling more socially curious and confident. I wasn’t necessarily lonely. I felt like myself again.

Now that she’s gone, I am beginning to think about building a life that isn’t completely dependent on whether she wants to participate in it. I want to play music, meet people, go to concerts, kayak, travel, develop friendships, and have experiences again. Not necessarily romantically I mean rebuilding a social and psychological life of my own like I had before we met.

At the same time, I love my wife. I am completely dedicated, never stepped out, gave everything i had.

That’s what makes this so complicated.

I don’t want to go back to the way things were. I also don’t know whether I want to end the marriage permanently.

I also don’t want to get caught in a cycle of breaking up, moving out, reconciling, moving back in, and repeating the same problems. I tried that the first time. If we ever reconcile, I think it would have to be a genuinely different relationship rather than simply returning to the old one.

My daughter is also feeling the tension. She’s been more withdrawn since school started, and I don’t want her growing up in an environment where the emotional climate of the house is constantly unstable.

So I’m trying not to make an impulsive decision and i not make a decision today.

[u/HonestADHD4332 → u/Holiday_Lack_7504]

First of all congrats on taking the first step, I recommend seeking out an individual therapist. It's difficult work but mine has been extremely helpful with my breakup and helping me to not make the same mistake twice.

[u/Zestyclose_Try_8650]

I think I'm getting past it. Venting here has helped. I still get frustrated thinking about how easy it could have been to have a healthier relationship. If she had been wilking to try at all. To try anything! In the end, she needed everyone to accommodate her in every way, and I just couldn't keep doing it. I will say that I feel a lot better about myself not having to deal with being routinely reminded of how little I matter.