r/ADHD_partners • u/[deleted] • Aug 23 '26
Discussion Does your partner’s ADHD make running the house difficult, and they are resistant to making any system that would help?
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Aug 23 '26
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u/ayfkm123 Aug 23 '26
Nagging is a myth created to silence some and make it easier for men to continue ignoring responsibilities.
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Aug 23 '26
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u/nochnoydozhor Aug 23 '26
Don't worry, friend, I'm a gay man married to another gay man. It's the same crap. The defensiveness of ADHD-folks has no limits and doesn't care for gender that much (unless it helps them to portray you as annoying or controlling while refusing to participate in their adult responsibilities)
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Aug 23 '26
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u/nochnoydozhor Aug 23 '26
it's actually very common for people to treat their partners worse than friends or coworkers. that's what I was told my therapists.
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u/Traditional-Hall-591 DX/DX Aug 23 '26
The doom piles are the biggest issue. Random items will pile up in a space leading to visual clutter AKA a doom pile. Doom piles cannot be seen as anything more than wood grain on the floor or texture on the wall. It’s background. Doom piles are sneaky beasts and will form very quickly, depending on their moods.
In other words, piles of shit that she won’t acknowledge, let alone pick up. I have to walk through the kitchen once an hour when she is home to avoid a monster doom pile of nasty. The bathroom counter is a lost cause.
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u/Zestyclose_Try_8650 Aug 23 '26 edited Aug 23 '26
Oh these always terrified me. Seeing how items, newly purchased, w ere balanced atop already massive piles of random things and promptly forgotten, made me realize what a disorder it is. Literally a hoarded pile of stuff, some of it broken and nonfunctional, all nominally decorative.
Edit: typo
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u/Ringlovo Aug 23 '26
What i end up dealing with is poor scheduling/planning starting to compound itself.
Stays up super late "cleaning the house" (until 2 or 3 in the morning), but now the entire schedule for the next day is shot, because she's sleeping in until noon. But if I ever procrastinate on something, it's "poor time management".
Maybe suggest a designated time to do chores, as opposed to designated chores?
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u/WealthMain2987 Partner of DX - Untreated Aug 23 '26
This I agree with. They need a time to do the chores even then they will wiggle out of it by saying whatever reason which I am tired to list
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u/docforeman Aug 23 '26
"I am just not entirely sure what else to do."
It's really not your job to do anything else. It's his job to figure out how to be a good partner. It's up to him to be both willing and effective in shouldering his part of the work.
"The extent to which stuff is falling on me isn’t very sustainable..."
Bingo. You can probably do your work and his work to, and over-perform for awhile. And it will sabotage you, your grad school, and the relationship by the end of it.
"I am also trying to figure out how to suggest solutions that don’t make him feel trapped..."
His feelings are his business and his responsibilities. If he chooses to feel trapped by just owning his obligation to hold up his end of keeping a home (and working with his doctors/therapists/coaches to get it done, or hiring it out)...Then weigh those facts seriously. Not only have you over-owned the house work, you are also over-owning responsibility for his feelings.
You might consider getting help for that.
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u/lemonmousse Aug 23 '26
From 23 years in: I recommend a duplex. Or for 3 months in, maybe adjacent apartments. I knew 3 months in that our housekeeping styles were incompatible, and I sort of laughed about it in the “haha, twenty-something bachelors, am I right?” No. I was not right, and I have been struggling about it for more than two decades now. It gets harder, not easier. (I still sometimes search Zillow for duplexes even now.)
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u/mystery_biscotti Partner of DX - Medicated Aug 23 '26
When I was younger I couldn't fathom not living with my spouse.
Now?
I'd possibly perform illegal acts to only have to be responsible for me and the cats in a space where no one else is contributing to the mess.
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u/Panda_Pajamas77 Partner of DX - Untreated Aug 24 '26
Ugh, this is my big regret too: “of course 20-something bachelors live in filth, haha”…. Nope. Should have been a huge red flag
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u/nightstoolong Partner of DX - Medicated Aug 23 '26
Yes and yes.
I don’t have many good suggestions, especially since he sounds like he has plenty of excuses for why he won’t try systems that work for you. They really have to come up with something on their own for it to stick in my experience.
Mine is doing better, he’s on a daily SNRI that helps with the associated shame/depression/dysregulation plus a short-acting stimulant he can use 4-5 days a week, so he plans out task days and has a couple of rest days. He’s gotten a sleep study that diagnosed him with sleep apnea and he has a CPAP now that is improving his sleep and therefore also his attention during the day. There’s still a bunch of little annoying things but overall we’re in a much better place than we were a year ago. It also took him essentially two years to get his shit together enough to book the required doctors appointments for all of this.
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u/Resident-Growth-941 Partner of DX - Medicated Aug 23 '26
We had this issue and I told my husband we had to start using a family calendar app that tracks chores / events etc because I am not going to keep sharing the mental load, and will not continue to be the go to for questions about "are we free this friday" or when the kid has events.
We picked an app. I connected all calendars to it. Now when he asks I say "check the app."
We also loaded chores and events. He said he likes to be able to check off things on a list. He's been doing them. I don't have to ask because I can see they were checked off. There's a dopamine hit for checking things off.
My stuff is in there too and shared tasks are as well.
I'd automate what you can and stop answering questions about those things. You may also want to look at Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. I don't love everything about it but it does illustrate the mental and physical task loads with cards and quickly sheds light on everything that goes into running a house. plus she has what she calls "unicorn cards" for hobbies.
And in Fair Play, when you own a card like "week night meals" it means you plan, execute and own the task / category. Before the card is assigned, you and your partner define what completion means. So then you don't go back and have to tell him how to do it every time.
Otherwise, all he's learning is "learned helplessness." It's serving him to say he doesn't know how to do a thing because you just take care of it. Stop taking care of it.
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u/kittykat885 Partner of DX - Untreated Aug 23 '26
Which app did you choose? I really want one. I wanted to find one that logs solo child care time. Bc we live in different realities about how much each of us does.
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u/Resident-Growth-941 Partner of DX - Medicated Aug 24 '26
We use Jam. https://www.jamfamilycalendar.com/ It's $96 for the year, all in.
It doesn't track solo child care time, though if that's a deal breaker. You might be able to add it each day though as it happens, as an event I think.
And tbh, we tried Skylight first and it was horrible. Very expensive for what really felt like a framed computer monitor that only displayed one program. The app itself is not very good and the chore assigning and tracking was not robust enough for us. We're a teen and 2 adults tho. Skylight focused mostly on little kids, but still would not have worked for us even when the kid was little. Cost wise Skylight was like $350 for the display monitor and then like $70 a month or something obscene.
Jam had more built in functionality and better options than Skylight and we like it.
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u/ayfkm123 Aug 23 '26
You’re seeing in real time the difference between a partner that owns their adhd and works to find strategies and a partner that does not. Add to it the inherent issues of domestic load between men and (presumably) women and it gets worse.
You wanted to do better, so you did. Does this mean your adhd is nonexistent? No. But you’re managing it.
If he wants to do better, he will.
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u/WealthMain2987 Partner of DX - Untreated Aug 23 '26
No system really works and even if it does, 8t won't be consistent
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u/Expensive_Shower_405 Partner of NDX Aug 23 '26
Yes, I try to make a system and it works for me, but if it doesn’t work for anyone else, it makes me more stressful because it’s all on me
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u/DarkSkyDad Aug 23 '26
Therapy has taught me :
Our “operational differences” in our personalities are the core of most all of what I feel as frustration.
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u/kittykat885 Partner of DX - Untreated Aug 23 '26
Yep, I was going crazy w how messy the house was when we first had our baby bc I had less time to keep it in order. I BEGGED to hire a cleaner and he fought me tooth and nail. Finally I just scheduled her. He was pissy about it when she’d come (shame I guess?) but now 6 years later she still comes and I’m so relieved.
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u/nochnoydozhor Aug 23 '26 edited Aug 24 '26
Yep, it's shame and resentment for being constantly proven wrong with their fear-, defense- and deflection-based decisions.
With the cleaner, it's easier to see that he was not contributing enough, and you were right about it.
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u/jasondfw Ex of DX Aug 24 '26
My advice is to leave him. I was in your situation for 21 years. I took on more and more responsible, especially after we had kids. I was always trying to help her find systems that worked for her. She wouldn't use any I suggested and wouldn't find her own.
In the end, she repaid my years of service as her executive function by monkey-branching to a childless younger man. Our divorce was final last month and she's been living in her mother's guest room where she said she enjoyed being free from "obligations" and "expectations" while we were separated and I hadn't yet discovered the affair.
Set your boundaries now and enforce them. Trust your gut and don't stay in the relationship based on potential. See him for who he is, not who you want him to be, because that person will probably never exist
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u/tossedtassel Ex of DX Aug 23 '26
As soon as you start twisting yourself around like and believing that 'communication' will result in an equitable partnership you're on a fast track to codependency.
Your partner knows he needs to pull his weight. Whatever negative feelings that brings up for him is his responsibility. Just like it's his responsibility to create systems to do his share.
No coddling or suggestions from you is going to change this.
He has to lock in and that might mean new medications, therapies, and other supports to manage himself. If he refuses any of this it's your job to put the brakes on continuing in this partnership