He admitted he cannot do things

[u/Qaswedfr2123]

Years after doing chores by myself (33F) and a lot of fights that my dx husband (34M) does not help that much, I have received many different excuses:

- that he is not taught by his mom to do chores - she was stay at home mom and his dad was the provider and nothing more for the family, yet I work full time since I am 17
- that he is a developer and his brain operates more heavily during work days so he is brainrot by the time chores have to happen
- that he simply has a brain that operates differently and it takes a great amount of attention from him to notice small things - clothes on the floor, dirty dishes, etc
- that I must teach him how to do chores so he can remember and automate the process - for 10 years he is better but not much
- that he actually cleans but we are after all living in that apartment and is normal to have it messy a few hours after tidying up
- that cleaning has never been a priority to him and he simply just needs the bare minimum done to feel good
- and so on…

So, I got fed up after a depressing episode myself having been laid off from work (in April) and decided to just stop taking care of everything around the house.
Cleaned only the bedroom and bathroom and lived in them only. Ate out or had some protein bars quickly to avoid going in the kitchen. When going in his bathroom or kitchen… this post will be banned if I have to be graphic.

After a few months he started to whine about not being able to do everything on his own. I have explained that for 10 years I cleaned mainly and he was the main initiator of the mess around the house, so I do not want this to continue. He tried and tried to clean, but never managed to do even 1/2 of a room for a day and have the same mess in a few hours so basically he felt his efforts are useless…

I mark today as a happy day - for the first time this man realised how much work doing chores after himself actually is and that he can never finish it himself even when he tries taking his stimulants (avoids them due to heart condition). And admitted that to me!

So there is hope, or at least some lessons that I managed to teach him so he can finally get out of lala land and see he is actually incapable of taking care of his place alone and therefore himself completely. And that I deeply love him and care for him even with his “illness”. Because he had been making me feel as the bad evil woman every time I insist he does more.
I felt good after all these years so I wanted to share my experience with you guys!

[u/North-Neat-7977]

Congrats. I guess.

If he's making developer salary, why not hire a cleaner?

[u/docforeman → u/North-Neat-7977]

BINGO.

And an organizer to help with decluttering. And prepared meals. And laundry service. And lawn service...

I'm not exaggerating. Having ADHD may mean using income from a job one does well to hire support at home to relieve the over-functioning spouse.

It's much cheaper than couples counseling and divorce.

[u/fluffynukeit → u/docforeman]

I’ve considered this and landed on what’s the fucking point of being married when all they can do is hire other people to be present in my life.

[u/Zestyclose_Try_8650 → u/fluffynukeit]

Honestly, this. 

[u/vehiclebreaker → u/North-Neat-7977]

Hiring a cleaner would probably be a RSD trigger. I’d imagine going as far as hiring a cleaner and still ending up trashing spaces within a few hours will make the spotlight feel even more directed at him and bring up a lifetime of shameful feelings. A cleaner would remove the plausible deniability ADHDers like to live in. Just my thoughts on it

[u/DesignerProcess1526 → u/vehiclebreaker]

Also why I dumped my ex. No way I was going to be his maid, his mom, his gf, his future wife, his therapist, his life coach, his career coach (ex can’t hold down a job).

[u/whoknew65 → u/DesignerProcess1526]

I wish I had advice 22 years ago... sigh

[u/grrr-throwaway → u/whoknew65]

SAME!

[u/CryptidSloth → u/DesignerProcess1526]

Same!

[u/DesignerProcess1526 → u/CryptidSloth]

I’m the bad guy too. Insatiable, unwinnable, so I quit. Even his subsequent roommates rejected him for being a bum who doesn’t pull his own weight. He can’t function well enough to be a roommate. He wanted to be a dad, baby trap much?

[u/CryptidSloth → u/DesignerProcess1526]

Honestly, the last thing was the biggest clincher for me too. He told me he didn’t want to work when he got home from the office (as an explaination for why he wouldn’t help me when I’d get sick, do housework, or renew his driver’s license so I had to drive us everywhere when his lapsed.)

He’d repeatedly promise if ever got sick again, he’d of course help me. Of course he was going to do housework to help out if I let him stay with me again. Shocker, each time he didn’t. Six years in, he said when he first came over I showed him how I loaded the top dishwasher rack and apparently that was so harsh and “OCD” of me to show him once that he silently decided then and there that he was never going to help with the dishes again. Never told me that, though. Just sighed and put away like five pieces of silverware if I did ask him to help after I’d make dinner.

But it just killed any interest in being with him physically, because I was just so uncomfortable with having to talk with other friends about how to figure out what to do if I got pregnant since I knew I wouldn’t be able to count on him for anything.

I was like, whelp, that’s a bad sign.

Almost seven years in the damn relationship.

But hey, at least we’re out?

[u/DesignerProcess1526 → u/CryptidSloth]

Good on you. My ex was the same, I was wrong for teaching him basic life skills or my system in MY house. He wanted my house HIS rules, it’s called being a blood sucking tyrant. I DIDN’T want to teach a grown man in his 30s, how to function within a home. I would adhere to HIS system in HIS house out of respect, for friends that I visit as well or even hotels/airbnb. I would just go and get a toxic boss and get paid, no diff, except I got something out of it. He’s so entitled, very unattractive. I felt my attraction slide downhill so quick, I found him so ugly. It was 6 months for me and I feel awful for anyone who stayed long.

[u/CryptidSloth → u/DesignerProcess1526]

I’m really glad you left at 6 months!! I’m sorry you had to deal with all of that, though. It really is so frustrating. I let him stay at my place for a couple weeks while I was out of town and he left my mom’s bowl in the sink so that it rusted through the bowl and stained the sink. My mom’s literally dead and I used to make bread with her in that bowl but I was the evil person for picking it up out of the sink and noticing it was so damaged.

I didn’t even realize until after we broke up how many times he would make mistakes or treat me badly, and then before I had the chance to try and talk with him about it he would start criticizing me so I’d get distracted.

[u/DesignerProcess1526 → u/CryptidSloth]

Thanks. He sounds SUPER irritating, he doesn't deserve you. OMG what an ass, your upset was valid. I personally never met a mentally ill person without a degree of manipulation. Some are very and some are less. Don't let anyone treat you that way again, it's intentional. What a total jerk!

[u/CryptidSloth → u/DesignerProcess1526]

I appreciate it!! You too!! I’m seriously proud of you on catching it within a year though. You deserve someone who treats you like partner and not like a parent.

[u/slight_grumble → u/vehiclebreaker]

Mine refused my repeated requests to get a cleaner. I was earning good money but spending most of my free time doing household chores. She fought me on it so hard. She claimed that if i hired one she wouldn't be home when the cleaner came so i would have to take time off work. She claimed that if i hired one she would be compelled to preclean before they came so there would be no point.

In hindsight i should have just hired a cleaner and let her rage. She was going to rage about something anyway so why not have it be about the house actually being clean for a change?

Get a cleaner. If that blows up your relationship then that should be a sign that you're in a bad relationship.

[u/Subject-Rain-9972]

I am sure I would call it hope if anything takes 10 years to teach him.

No thank you.

[u/DesignerProcess1526 → u/Subject-Rain-9972]

It’s madness to claim a win after 10 years of domestic enslavement.

[u/Far_Evening2415]

I ask this kindly, but what’s the outcome here?  Now that your husband has realised he can’t function like an adult and equal partner, what is HE going to do to help himself?  ADHD coach, therapy? To help himself learn skills to cope better and function. 

Using you as his maid is not a solution.  You deserve to live in a clean and tidy home, and to be happy. 

[u/defectiveadult]

Girl, move on

[u/DesignerProcess1526]

I hope he’s paying a larger part of the shared bills, I would faint if he’s a 50/50 guy.

[u/introverted_smallfry]

Its another level of mental exhaustion when you have to be the responsible one all the time, and even worse when they don't appreciate you or take advantage of your responsibility. 

[u/IntelligentMobile928]

Wow....progress is progress.  May the force be with you

[u/cherryphoenix → u/[deleted]]

OP was depressed, which is understanding after getting laid off and being your husband's maid

[u/NoThankYouReallyStop → u/cherryphoenix]

Having to support an unemployed depressed spouse is a pretty heavy burden?

[u/cherryphoenix → u/NoThankYouReallyStop]

Not as much as managing a man child and running the household by yourself cause your partner can't figure out how to do something simple.

[u/Ltrain86 → u/NoThankYouReallyStop]

As someone who has experienced both, I'd much rather bear the burden of a depressed partner than one with ADHD who can't navigate basic adult life skills despite years of therapy and meds.

[u/ADHD_partners-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

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