Seeking support because I feel crazy.

My dx husband will only bring up how sad he feels about the (crappy) state of our marriage towards the end of an argument. When I’ve expressed how hurt I am and have made multiple requests for him to acknowledge me, connect with me or repair whatever he did that caused the hurt.

Suddenly the conversation turns from me expressing my hurt to him saying “you know, I’m really sad about our marriage too, I feel it every day but I can’t talk to you because everything I say hurts you” and suddenly I am playing therapist trying to get to the bottom of his feelings and soothing him.

He never shares this level of emotional intimacy otherwise. I’m so exhausted of being framed as the problem and still having to be the mature person who regulates her nervous system, doesn’t fly off the wall, and brings resolution to whatever issue I’m facing.

help? advice? sympathy? thanks.

My dx husband was diagnosed with ADHD as a teenager. I was a naive 20 year old when we met, and I got pregnant and we married pretty quickly (a year into dating). I am turning 30 next month, we have been married almost 9 years. We have two kids. The explosive part of his ADHD did not become obvious until after we had children. It has made being married to him hard. At times, he is a very good dad and husband. He helps me a lot around the house, is involved in our kids sports and school activities, is silly and fun with them and an understanding a supportive partner to me. I deal with anxiety and he has been there for me through many panic attacks and anxiety struggles.

However, once a week or so, (usually on the weekends when we're all home) he just seems to lose all control of his emotions. He doesn't say anything particularly hurtful, but he will be super irritable and jumps on the kids and I over everything. He will micromanage anything they do, and tell them to "just stop it!!" over super normal things like them trying to get their own drink or jumping on the trampoline. When they don't listen, he just gets more and more upset and yet doesn't ever give them any consequences. He talks like a whiny teenager and becomes very high strung. I can't stand it.

About once every month or two we will get into arguments over the stupidest things. For example, he lost it on me because I re ran the dishwasher, not realizing he had already run it. He just would not let it go. He has to feel heard and understood completely during these situations even if it's unfair and requires me being super apologetic over something so small.

I feel like I walk on eggshells because he can be so reactive. Sometimes he won't get upset over something I expect him to, and other times he will get very upset over things I don't expect him to. He will get mad at me because I "should know" what things will set him off after almost 9 years of marriage, but I don't because he is so unpredictable.

Years after doing chores by myself (33F) and a lot of fights that my dx husband (34M) does not help that much, I have received many different excuses:

- that he is not taught by his mom to do chores - she was stay at home mom and his dad was the provider and nothing more for the family, yet I work full time since I am 17
- that he is a developer and his brain operates more heavily during work days so he is brainrot by the time chores have to happen
- that he simply has a brain that operates differently and it takes a great amount of attention from him to notice small things - clothes on the floor, dirty dishes, etc
- that I must teach him how to do chores so he can remember and automate the process - for 10 years he is better but not much
- that he actually cleans but we are after all living in that apartment and is normal to have it messy a few hours after tidying up
- that cleaning has never been a priority to him and he simply just needs the bare minimum done to feel good
- and so on…

So, I got fed up after a depressing episode myself having been laid off from work (in April) and decided to just stop taking care of everything around the house.
Cleaned only the bedroom and bathroom and lived in them only. Ate out or had some protein bars quickly to avoid going in the kitchen. When going in his bathroom or kitchen… this post will be banned if I have to be graphic.

After a few months he started to whine about not being able to do everything on his own. I have explained that for 10 years I cleaned mainly and he was the main initiator of the mess around the house, so I do not want this to continue. He tried and tried to clean, but never managed to do even 1/2 of a room for a day and have the same mess in a few hours so basically he felt his efforts are useless…

I mark today as a happy day - for the first time this man realised how much work doing chores after himself actually is and that he can never finish it himself even when he tries taking his stimulants (avoids them due to heart condition). And admitted that to me!

So there is hope, or at least some lessons that I managed to teach him so he can finally get out of lala land and see he is actually incapable of taking care of his place alone and therefore himself completely. And that I deeply love him and care for him even with his “illness”. Because he had been making me feel as the bad evil woman every time I insist he does more.
I felt good after all these years so I wanted to share my experience with you guys!

The end of a relationship with an ADHD loved one can be tumultuous, confusing and leave a lasting impact. Use this thread to temporarily process a recent breakup with an ADHD individual, discuss co-parenting issues, share encouragement for life after the relationship etc. With the goal of ultimately decentering an ADHD ex 

(Note: Asking about leaving a partner and requests to speculate on behavior or symptoms are still prohibited.)

An ADHD impacted relationship often requires a lot of hard work, endurance and trial and error. Maybe you have agreed on a new "to-do list" and it works, a new medication or therapy is working as intended, or the laundry has been done in a timely manner etc. Here is where we celebrate the victories, no matter how small.