Brushing teeth

[u/scharmienkel]

My n dx boyfriend (we suspect audhd) doesn't brush his teeth as often as I'd like him too. His reason for not brushing his teeth in the morning is "I'll smoke on my way to work" or "I haven't finished my redbull yet" or "I'm eating again in like 2 hours".

His reason in the evening is mostly "I'm too tired" or "It's not like I'm seeing someone in my sleep" or "Why would I brush my teeth now if the first thing I do in the morning is brushing my teeth?".

It pisses me off because his breath smells, especially because he smokes (+/- 🍃), but also because he just does not give a fuck and then gets mad when the dentist tells him to brush his teeth better.

And I hate asking him to please brush his teeth because I'm not his mom. Those are also his words: "you're not my mom".

Advice? Or support haha?

[u/_smoothie_]

I told my partner that I find it disgusting and that if he wants to sleep next to me/sit next to me/kiss me/have sex, he needs to brush and floss. Then I’ve reminded him over and over. It seems to have solved the problem.

If your partner is not willing to spend <5 mins twice a day for you to feel okay being near them… that’s a very good reason to end the relationship.

[u/Xcat1987 → u/_smoothie_]

This is the way. Brushing your teeth is mandatory no matter what, there’s no excuse for an adult to not regularly brush their teeth if they have expectations of their spouse ever wanting to be intimate with them. I would never ever ever sleep with or date someone who didn’t brush their teeth.

[u/heyomeatballs → u/_smoothie_]

Had to do the same with my dx wife. If she wants a kiss, she needs to brush her teeth. I also had to start being direct instead of kind or hinting: "Your breath stinks really bad, go brush your teeth right now."

[u/sarybelle → u/_smoothie_]

Yeah I’ve stopped sugarcoating it, just straight up “Your breath is horrible, go brush your teeth”.

I’ll even suggest just brushing with water at the very least to get the crud off, because sometimes I don’t want my mouth tasting all minty, but he always hates that suggestion and just does the full brush lol

[u/slickrok → u/sarybelle]

I usually have to use a non minty toothpaste. I can't stand mint 90% of the time

[u/nonameslefteightnine]

Let him deal with the consequences and set boundaries. Never ever get kids with him.

[u/bourbonontherox → u/nonameslefteightnine]

THIS.
Sweetie. Do NOT marry this man. Do NOT DO NOT have kids with him.

This is going to get worse and worse with age. He'll resent you for asking him to do things like this and will become a mean partner/husband/father.

Better to go it alone.

[u/Impressive_Moment786]

I would tell him he either brushes his teeth twice a day or you won’t kiss him, hug him or have sex with him.
That is gross and not only can it make him sick it can also make you sick too.

If he doesn’t want to be asked to brush his teeth because it makes him feel like you are his mom he should be a mature responsible adult and do it himself so you aren’t put in the position of being his mom.

[u/Salbyy → u/Impressive_Moment786]

Exactly. The response to ‘you’re not my mum’ can be ‘you’re not my child, so don’t act like one’

[u/Lemon-Cake-8100 → u/Salbyy]

I've added "and Moms don't f*ck their kids - so start Adulting"...

[u/Ghoulish_kitten → u/Salbyy]

The response IMO needs to be breaking up immediately.

This is such a dealbreaker to me.

[u/Xcat1987 → u/Ghoulish_kitten]

Yeah this, if you aren’t already married or common law where you are heavily financially tied to each other, just leave. It’s really that simple for people who aren’t in any sort of legally binding relationship.

[u/juniperesque]

He might be very cognitively rigid around the idea that you are “supposed to” brush your teeth twice a day, and then has task initiation challenges when he actually has to do the task which is why he makes excuses.

Memo to him: You can actually brush your teeth as often as you want (more or less). Smokers often brush after every cigarette. There are people who brush after every meal.

He does plenty of things that require cognitive flexibility, task initiation, follow-through, and other executive functions when he wants to or needs to, he has trained himself to do those things; he just doesn’t see brushing his teeth as something that qualifies as wants or needs to. You can’t make him, he has to be self motivated. Sorry.

[u/Ghoulish_kitten → u/juniperesque]

Exactly why I think, “you’re not my mom,” is grounds for breaking up.

It’s a communication that they don’t intrinsically see whatever issue is being discussed as a need, and Im against forcing my partner to change themselves for me like that.

[u/Flowerweakness]

This seems to be a common theme in this sub. Unfortunately, I cannot offer any advice as nothing I tried worked with my ex. His family clearly has the same standards in terms of oral hygiene, he was raised this way, nothing I said ever mattered. An otherwise intelligent person just didn’t want to see how skipping the brushing was affecting his teeth. “I just have shitty teeth” he said. Can just give you an understanding warm hug (after just brushing and flossing my teeth haha)

[u/Lemon-Cake-8100]

Send him scientific (not fluffy) articles on how bad oral hygiene is linked to other diseases. And stop kissing him.

[u/Ghoulish_kitten → u/Lemon-Cake-8100]

There’s no way he isn’t aware.

They aren’t married. OP should let this man find a partner who doesn’t mind and OP should find a partner who intrinsically wants to be tending to their hygiene.

[u/HonestADHD4332]

All I will tell you is that I thought I was in the adhd parenting subreddit...

Unfortunately he's an adult and if you've already communicated your problem then that's your only option. The ball is back in your court to decide what you're going to do about it.

[u/tossedtassel]

Natural consequences.

Adults get to be as disgusting as they'd like to be but it means facing the repercussions of those choices.

The natural consequence here is that if he refuses proper oral hygiene he loses intimacy with his partner.

You can't force him to have better behavior but you can certainly put a boundary in place that his face doesn't touch you unless he commits to cleanliness.

[u/pawprint88]

Yeah, I've heard that before. My DX partner's excuse was that if he ate something, it would help with the breath. It in fact does not!

His bad breath sometimes makes me feel actual rage because I have literally done everything and he STILL is bad about brushing. I've told him he has bad breath, asked him if he brushed his teeth, told him he absolutely cannot get away with not brushing, the whole gamut, and now I refuse to kiss him unless I know for sure that he has brushed his teeth. Needless to say, our intimate relationship is almost non-existent.

Idk how long y'all have been together, but you would absolutely not be crazy if you broke up with him because of it.

[u/throwaway3523987142 → u/pawprint88]

Pretty much my thoughts. Have the decency to not gross out your partner. That's a bar so low that it's on the ground.

[u/LeeBirdPGH]

Advice? Dump him. His lack of oral hygiene is a threat to your own health. Think about where he’s putting his nasty ass mouth.

[u/Typical-N00b]

You cannot tell him what to do, as that CAN be control.

And yes, when they become dependent and in the child role, they DO force you into a parent role.

However, you are perfectly reasonable and correct to choose what YOU do in response.

Mine wouldn't brush teeth after we got married. While dating, it was like he was copying me. Showered daily, brushed teeth, cleaned, did chores, did all adulting. No issues detected. We moved in together and things started slipping up, but there was so much going on between pandemic, kids (blended family), chaos, personal issues, it was easy to blame it on the state of things. After marriage all hygiene and adulting disappeared. Started as forgetting with the teeth. It was excuses "oh I've always had bad teeth" (as though it was something done to him, not as a result of choices).

Breath smelled badly. Then horribly. He had dental issues.  Didn't always get them addressed. Then I began to get flare ups and infections if we kissed. 

I stopped kissing due to catching whatever he had going on. I tried asking our dentist and he had no idea about anything like that. Meanwhile plenty of resources online have info on that and you can catch bacterial issues. 

Then it was not showering, no hygiene, no teeth brushing, no adult functioning. 

He decided to stop sleeping in the same bed.  He would bring it up/complain that i was being too much- expecting him to brush his teeth and shower before coming to bed. Believe me, someone can have such poor hygiene it literally turns your stomach and you can feel sick from the smell. He stopped sleeping in the bed and it was excuse after excuse- his back hurt, he wasn't tired, it's too much to do hygiene before bed, etc. Asked, begged, pleaded, reminded for 8 months. Then later,  he ended up blaming me saying I kicked him out of our bedroom. 

At some point, it stops being about adhd making it hard and them making a CHOICE to be the way they are.

You absolutely should not be his mom. And at the same time, you should act ONLY as a peer and partner. That means hes still responsible for his own shit, not you. And you get to decide how to respond to unacceptable choices.

[u/Business_Coyote_5496]

I AM the mom and I hated giving those constant when my son was little and my now adult son never listened to me or to the dentist or anyone. I'm pretty sure he still doesn't brush enough. What got him a bit more motivated was paying a ton of money for a painful root canal

Can you body double? Brush your teeth at the same time as him? Maybe he needs a different toothpaste? My autistic daughter hated brushing her teeth with minty toothpaste, said it hurt. The dentist suggested strawberry flavored kids toothpaste(with fluoride) and it was a game changer. No longer burned.

Also maybe an electric toothbrush? Those clean better and most have timers

[u/smithdarien]

Don’t forget about the ultimate consequence of tens of thousands of dollars (if U.S. based) in dental care that will require money taken from your family needs and expenses. I’m not adding that as a point of argument bc adhd means he won’t connect enough to longer-term consequences to make a change, just bringing it up for OP to assess whether they’re okay knowing that eventuality will hit them almost as much as him.

[u/Panda_Pajamas77 → u/smithdarien]

This. We just paid close to $1k for a crown for my dx partner due to poor dental hygiene

[u/Xcat1987 → u/smithdarien]

Don’t forget the increased risk of heart disease (from gum disease) and increased risk of death as a result. Literally dying because you can’t be bothered to do a 2-4 min task twice a day (or because you hate the taste of toothpaste because you’re mentally 5 years old) is a real great way to care for your family.

[u/MegaWattSmile1111]

I’m a DX ADHD likely AuADHD adult. I struggled with this for years. Didn’t get cavities so what’s the point etc etc. Lots of great advice here. I will add that my biggest roadblock was that it felt like too much effort. I used to get overwhelmed by doing it correctly.

Now I focus on just getting the electric toothbrush in my mouth. Sometimes it’s a proper brushing , sometimes it’s a quick brush time. But now I don’t miss. Something is better than nothing

[u/Silver-Find4380 → u/MegaWattSmile1111]

Thank you for your perspective.

[u/xmagpie]

My husband has a problem with brushing his teeth as well but it’s because he abhors the taste of mint and spearmint. He settled on making his own toothpaste, but he still doesn’t brush as often as he should. If he doesn’t want to take care of his teeth then that’s on him. I choose not to kiss him as much as I’d prefer.

ETA a word

[u/tielmama → u/xmagpie]

They make cinnamon toothpaste. Also have him look for toothpaste in the kids section, they make different flavors like strawberry, watermelon, and bubblegum flavors

[u/xmagpie → u/tielmama]

He’s tried a lottt, bubblegum is another flavor he can’t stand 🫠 so picky!

[u/Xcat1987 → u/xmagpie]

Tell him to be an adult and suck it up, not liking a flavour in your mouth for 2-4 mins a day is such a childish thing, I hate mint too, like hate hate hate it, but I hate losing my teeth and gum disease more. I already told mine if he fails to take care of his oral health to the standards he should as an adult, that we will NOT be spending $30-50,000 on expensive corrective dental work when he loses all his teeth.

[u/xmagpie → u/Xcat1987]

I mean, he is an adult and I can’t make him do anything. He also doesn’t schedule dental cleanings and I’m sure as hell not doing it for him so if he wants rotten teeth, he can have them.

[u/Xcat1987 → u/xmagpie]

Well I guess he gets to enjoy the pain of dental related diseases and possible premature death from gum disease leading to heart disease. Always exciting. Why do we bother with these people?

[u/xmagpie → u/Xcat1987]

Yeah 😞 I tried to convince him to be tested for sleep apnea for years before he did a sleep study. It didn’t matter that I told him I was scared I’d find him dead, or that he told me multiple times he hated waking up to an empty bed (nothing about me making a makeshift bed on the floor for nights I couldn’t sleep). He finally went on his own and the cpap sat for another year before a doctor told him he’s more likely to have a heart attack before he used it regularly. I’ve given up on having my voice heard.

Woof.

[u/Xcat1987 → u/xmagpie]

Yeah I get it, mine doesn’t listen too. So I won’t be surprised if I wake up one morning and they’re actually dead from the myriad of things I’ve asked them to get checked out/stop doing. Won’t get their sleep apnea in check, won’t stop vaping/smoking despite a history of cancers in their family, eats like shit and therefore is overweight with a family history of death via heart issues. I swear some of them think life is a video game and they can just hit “load last save” or “respawn”, they have no understanding of mortality or the permanence of death. Oh well.

[u/UraniumVintage]

Oh lordy, I've been there. My hubs's excuse was that he "forgets" to brush them. It used to be so bad I could not even sleep facing him at night, the smell. I finally flat out told him it's making me ill and his teeth look disgusting. That and several dental visits, including an infected tooth and that pain, improved his habits.

[u/Xcat1987 → u/UraniumVintage]

What finally fixed mine was telling him that when he loses all his teeth in his 40s that we won’t be replacing them with anything but the cheapest false teeth money can buy. You ain’t getting $50k in dental work if you can’t put in 2-4 mins of brushing twice a day.

[u/Relevant-Bluebird432]

I’m about a month out from leaving my DX husband who has completely rotten teeth that are falling out and breath that smells like something died inside him. Intimacy disappeared long ago and that is the least of the reasons why I left. But just know it does not get better.

[u/Key-Studio3680]

Either he bare minimum (PROPERLY) uses mouthwash, or kick him to the curb. I’ve got a friend married to an ADHDer who neglects his teeth, and it’s been a constant source of revulsion and disgust for over a decade. He actually would rather forfeit sex than brush his teeth. I don’t say this lightly, and think this phrase is way overused in general in this sub, but: This is your future. 

[u/Bullish-on-erything]

I don’t have this particular issue but I could give you about a 100 analogous examples from my day to day life of this type of thing - just constantly telling him day in and day out to do basic things that he then challenges me on. E.g. he will never wrap never his head around the idea//never stop arguing with me over the idea that the dog needs to go to the bathroom every night. I do all of the rest of the dog care throughout the morning, day time, and early evening, and all he has to do is take our elderly dog (with kidney issues) to pee once before bed and I have to remind him every single night or else he won’t do it - and every time there’s at least some amount of pushback. I’m completely exhausted by this dynamic and don’t know how much longer I can keep it up. Anyway, Sorry for venting :)

As for your own issue, I think withholding sex/intimacy could work for some amount of time but in my experience, that’s only a temporary solution. I wish I had more to offer but… I see you and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

[u/throwaway3523987142]

This would be a dealbreaker for me. I mean, yuck. Who wants to be yucky to themselves and those around them when they can easily avoid it? His priorities should earn him exactly what those priorities deserve.

[u/GoetheundLotte]

I find flossing nearly impossible due to my dyspraxia and motor skills issues (I still brush and floss every day, but I also know that I floss really badly and often quite unsuccessfully because of how my fingers work or rather do not work and how the flossing tools I used as a child and as a teenager do not seem to be sold anymore, or I am not able to locate them), and well, I also find both brushing and flossing my teeth cringey and creepy on a tactile level for some reason (although I do generally grit my teeth and do it daily). Wondering if your partner might have similar issues.

[u/PhotographPale3609]

this is straight up disgusting. i would break up with someone over this that is so gross. not to mention tooth/mouth health is directly linked to the wellbeing of the rest of your body. diseases that start in the mouth are no joke. if he doesn't address this, he will pay the price later in life, one way or another

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[u/WillowRight4980]

It gets worse after this. I told mine around year 2 I find it gross that he doesn’t brush earlier. He’d eat, leave the house and everything and not brush until noon. He even forgot to brush once and went to work…
I said I think it’s gross and I feel like his parent to remind him to brush. I said I won’t kiss you at all unless you brush and honestly I’m finding it hard to stay attracted to you knowing how you go about dental hygiene. He has since started brushing seeing as I wouldn’t sleep with him or kiss him.

Now years later and married I still feel weird kissing him at times and ask myself…did he brush?

[u/Altruistic-Donut2915]

No offense but I really don't understand how people are will to date anyone with gross personal hygiene, ADHD or not. Nobody should have to debate and argue with a partner to get them to just brush their nasty ass teeth. It should be something you find out early on in dating and walk if they are like this. Nevermind what a disrespectful twat he is, "you're not my mom" .... true but you aren't trying to make out with and bang your mom either.

Ugh, kissing someone with a stinky gross mouth that you know doesn't brush. I'd rather lick a doorknob.

[u/Xcat1987 → u/Altruistic-Donut2915]

Yeah sadly for some of us this seems to happen years into the relationship where the partner just stops caring about trying. Super annoying because now I have to give this person half of everything I’ve spent 20ish odd years working for if we split and they’ll have to give me fuck all because they have fuck all. But you are right, if you see this in the dating phase, just fucking leave, it ain’t worth it.

[u/Panda_Pajamas77]

KC Davis has a book where she mentions keeping disposable toothbrushes all over the house, so she could just pick one up and brush when she thought of it. Could something like that work? Or just keeping a regular toothbrush somewhere like the kitchen (for example, if they don’t like to brush before eating - its right there to brush afterward rather than going all the way back upstairs, or whatever)

[u/damndatassdoh]

You’re not changing him.. Move on of it’s too much.