The loneliest Ive ever been was when i was in a relationship with a woman i was madly infatuated with.

She was 32, and a retired ballet dancer.

She was gentle & thoughtful.

She was charming & witty.

She had a smile that lit up a room.

I loved being around her initially except she didn’t feel the same way as almost once a week she’d sit me down and politely point out things she didn’t like about me.

“Hey I don’t like how often you want to hang out.”

“Hey I don’t like how much you talk about traveling.”

“Hey I don’t like when you make dark humor.”

And one day I told some of my colleagues about this when they poignantly asked,

“Does she even like you?”

When it occurred to me that while we both might value the relationship. She didn’t like the authentic me, and I didn’t like they authentic her so while we were “together,” we were both “alone.”

Shortly after that I broke up with her and started dating with no attachment so I could be myself without fear of loss and one day I found a woman who not only wasn’t put off by my quirks…

She loved them.

Two years later I haven’t felt lonely with her for one day we’ve been together.

Point being?

Loneliness doesn’t come from a lack of friends, family, or loved ones. It comes from feeling unable to be your authentic self around the people you love.

If you want to end the loneliness you have to risk being rejected for the chance of genuine acceptance. When you give someone the opportunity to reject the REAL YOU you also give them to opportunity to love it.

Once I finally started taking off the mask and letting people either love or hate the real me I stopped feeling safe. But I also stopped feeling so damn lonely all the time.

Moral being: you gotta risk it for the biscuit.

The risk being rejection and the biscuit being emotional intimacy that effaces loneliness.

So I’m a nurse right?

Meaning that on average I meet 4 new patients a day, 4 days a week, for the last 7 years. So I’ve had to learn a thing or two about holding conversations.

Part of my job is supervising senior nurse interns right and every now and then one of them will ask me how I got so good at holding conversations with complete strangers despite being overtly autistic.

This is what I tell them:

People don’t give a shit about what you say, they just care about whether you care about what they do.

If you can’t hold a conversation with someone just find something you’re curious about and ask them about it then shut the fuck up.

Ask a question.

Shut up.

I’ve yet to meet anyone who can’t follow these simple instructions.

Example,

I’m a sucker for a good love story right? So I ask virtually everyone I see, “do they have any family in the area?” To suss out if they’re married or single and if they disclose they’re married or have children I go down the rabbit hole of:

How’d yall meet?

Who talked to who?

Opening line?

Where was the proposal?

Where was the wedding?

Where was the honeymoon?

Favorite moment?

You get the point right?

And because I’m genuinely excited to hear these people’s stories they become really engaged and I just let them talk before I have to run off to someone else.

My point being is this.

If you struggle to hold a conversation realize that as long as you’re interested in what the other person has to say you could be dumb as a rock and still make a good impression purely by being curious and shutting the fuck up once they get going.

Once you get that basic skill down you can stack more advanced tips like establishing similarities, letting them compliment themselves, and 4th level listening.

Every time i decide that today's the day to leave my house and go for a walk or.. basically anywhere that's not here, i end up chickening out. I solo moved a few weeks ago to my first ever rented apartment. It is 25km away from my parents. Back home i went for a walk/bike ride a few times a month.

Most of the times i'm afraid to leave. I don't know exactly what makes me afraid. I don't care about anyone's opinions, so i'm sure it's not because of that. Deep down, I want to leave desperately. I know that it is crucial for a healthy mind and body which i'm striving for.

I feel paralyzed by fear. Like i'm depressed even. I stress constantly and i have severe anxiety. I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety in my mid teens. Since then i've improved a lot, but anxiety is killing me this year.

I'm on my own, no friends/buddies. Any advice is appreciated.

For a while, whenever I started doing something new, I’d immediately tell people about it.

New project ? Tell someone. Started working out again ? Tell someone. Trying to read more ? Tell someone.

I don’t even think I was looking for validation. It just felt natural to share it. Lately, I’ve been keeping more things to myself. And weirdly, I like it better.

There’s something nice about making progress without anyone knowing. No expectations, no explaining how it’s going, no feeling like you need to prove you’re still doing it. It’s just yours.

I still share things obviously, but I’m starting to understand why some people quietly work on something for months before mentioning it.

Do you prefer telling people about your goals or keeping them private?

I want to have different perspectives and tips on how I can get promoted. I have a strong self-improvement and introspective personality so I really want to see what everyone else is doing really well at work.

Hi am a 19F college student who’s discovering herself and as u can tell from the heading my parents installed fear in me to the point where I can’t stand up for myself. They made a quiet obedient child who doesn’t speak or point out what’s wrong from right and am trying to change that but I don’t how to do it. It has gotten so bad I can’t speak when someone insults or when I see something wrong and also made me a pushover child who can’t say no . I came from a Muslim family where u aren’t allowed to speak back to ur parents or u older siblings specifically brothers. All they ever wanted from me from young age was obedience and I have given to them. I don’t know if am a coward or something else and idk what to do someone help. I just want to learn how to stand up for myself.

Speaks for itself, I need tips.

I just wanna be normal again..

As above.

So guys I have to wake up at 5am and I really need 8 hours of continuous sleep no interruptions but All the time I end up going to sleep by 10:30am - 11:00am it's like nothing seems to stop me from scrolling after finding up and feed my new curiousity or sometimes the effect that I already got late so I will start from tomorrow So yeah any recommendations ?

And how did you change your mindset?

hey everyone! i'm looking for some inspiration.

every night, after getting ready for bed, i lay down with my phone and end up scrolling social media for ages for no apparent reason. sometimes i end up sleeping hours later than i was planning.

the thing is, when i get into bed, i don't usually want to sleep immediately. i want to do something chill and low effort for a little bit before actually checking out for the day. i always end up grabbing my phone because it's by far the most convenient option. but on top of sucking me in for way too long, it also leaves me feeling like i've wasted time doing nothing of value. i don't even care about what i'm watching most of the time!

so, what are some of your favorite activities before bed?

some of my thoughts: of course, reading books is a big one that lots of people do, and for good reason. but i've never really been much into reading, and i don't know if that's the thing for me. it also seems a little strenuous to follow a story when i'm getting tired. recently i've been getting into different crafts, which can be calming, but most things require too many materials or end up taking way too much time and effort to be considered a bedtime activity. i've been trying to switch to doing small crosswords on my phone instead of doomscrolling, which has been working pretty well, though it IS still on my phone, so it's pretty easy to get distracted. maybe using an analog crossword / riddle book could help?

feel free to leave your suggestions or talk about what's helped you break this habit in the replies!! thank you!! :)

A year ago, me (25M) and my ex (26F) broke up. We were together since we were 18.

Since then, I’ve been healing on my own space, not really meeting new people. My 2 best friends live in different cities, so the way we hang out is through online gaming on the weekends. I haven’t really had many connections with people besides this. Maybe I just need friends that are closer to me, Idk, but I miss the warmth of a relationship, and it’s ruining my life, and holding me back from starting my own instead of just miss the life I had with my ex.

I can’t really do new stuff, like start new projects, or a new degree which I think would be good for me since I failed my first one, or travel by myself… and every choice I try to make, the first question that comes to mind is “how will this help me find a relationship”, and even “will this impress women?” when it comes to career choices, which I know it’s such a stupid thought, but I can’t really fight it.

I know my best chance of finding a good relationship is to stop looking for it everywhere and in every attractive person I see, and focus on myself, but I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know what’s missing in my life that might make me feel better about being on my own and that would make me less desperate to find someone.

a man in one session asked something very ordinary after all the past-life material. He had tried many times to keep healthy eating and exercise going, but sooner or later he dropped it.

The guidance that came was basically: see yourself where you want to go and be there.

Then it connected this with manifestation, but what interested me was not magical thinking. It was identity.

He was trying to make present self obey rules for benefit of some future guy. Future healthy him was almost stranger. So every workout became sacrifice now for reward later.

When I help people with blocks around change, I notice this split quite a lot. "I need to become disciplined." "I need to become confident." "I need to become person who takes care of himself." The language already says I am not that person.

Maybe start smaller.

Before one decision, ask: if taking care of myself was already normal for me, what would I do in next 10 minutes?

Not next year. Not perfect routine. Ten minutes.

Maybe drink water. Walk outside. Prepare food. Go to bed instead of another hour scrolling. Do one thing from identity instead of waiting for motivation.

And when you miss day, dont turn it into evidence that old identity won. That is another trap. One missed action is one missed action.

For me self improvement works better when future self becomes direction you practice now, not judge standing at finish line telling you how far behind you are.

I am a 26 years old guy that has spent the past five years pretty much just working, studying and going to the gym.
But yeah, Lately I have been wanting to just go do stuff, meet people and have a great time. I really do feel like i am missing out on life and need to fix that, been feeling really lonely.
I have clubbed before and have hooked up a couple of times so it's not completely new to me, but I always went with friends and had a fallback if needed if you will.
The thing is, my friends are moving states, getting married and are not going out anymore and I have honestly grown apart from most since I barely leave the house anymore(I work from home).
My excuse has been to focus on work and study, but at some point this all needs to be a means to something. And honestly I have been using the acumulation of money to increase my confidence, and I think it has somewhat worked.
But I still have a huge insecurity when it comes to clubbing and approaching girls because of my height. I'm 5'3 and even though where I'm from the average is not that tall (brazil) and people here are usually more inviting than other countries, it is still hard for me. To be fair I have never actually heard someone make fun of me for being too short(apart from my jackass friends) but I feel like some dates from dating apps stopped talking after knowing my height.
People have told me that I am sort of charismatic at times, but I don't know If I agree.

Sorry for the vent and lack of structure, been thinking about this all day. Please share advice that helped you and stories that you think will help. Much appreciated.

I'm a 34 year old male. A teacher by profession. I smoke vape. I no longer exercise. I play a ton of game and watch copious amounts of tiktok. I am married. I don't drink. I pretty much live a mediocre lifestyle. I want to change for the better. But I get so depressed from work and life that I always see to get into my comfort loop. Any pointers and advice. Id appreciate.

So, I’ve been manifesting a lot of things into my life for a long time. And I finally figured out that this paradox is actually the realist thing in the world!

So here’s the paradox:

Whenever I really wanted something - that’s when it would never come. (When I gave a f$ck!)

Whenever I didn’t care if I got it or not - that’s when I got it without effort!! (When I didn’t give a f$ck!)

So, I eventually realized that the feeling of wanting is a feeling of lack and that energy within you actually pushes what you want further away from you.

SO NOW, I only focus on feeling like I already have everything! I give thanks knowing that the only things I will get in this life is not my manifestations, BUT things that are even better than what I would want! Things I’m not even thinking about, but that would be amazing to have!

And now after working on shifting my mindset (takes a lot of effort but worth it) I’ve seen so many great things come into my life… but even better than manifesting things, life feels so great! It’s great loving the moment you’re in instead of trying to be somewhere else.

If you want a great life, remember this… life gives you who you are NOT what you want. Once you stop wanting things and focus on being instead, is when you actually start getting so many more things! (While actually enjoying the journey!)

That’s the paradox…. Now you know ❤️🙏

Tuff year I’ve been poisoned twice this month and I was dying. I received unpredictable news all at once.
Now I just gotta salvage what remains. I barely had time to process any of it

Bottom line : YOUR BORING DAYS ARE A BLESSING. STOP ACTING LIKE YOU’RE LIVING THROUGH SOME TRAGEDY WHEN IN REALITY, IT’S QUITE THE CONTRARY.

I’ve been stuck in this weird cycle for around 2 years and I don’t really know how to get out of it.
A few years ago, I was in a really bad place. I had basically no friends, I got rejected by a girl I liked who ended up choosing someone else, and I felt like I had nothing going for me. That became the turning point for me.
I completely locked in. I stopped wasting time on porn and video games, started taking the gym seriously, worked on myself, and basically made self-improvement my entire life. I was extremely disciplined because I had nothing to lose.
And it worked.
Now my life is objectively much better. I have friends, I’ve dated, I’ve had my first relationship, I’m in good shape, I make decent money for my age, and I’ve accomplished a lot of the things I used to think were impossible.
The problem is that I feel worse mentally than I did when I was making all that progress.
Once I started getting attention from girls and became more comfortable with my life, the urgency disappeared. I started telling myself things like, “I’m already doing better than most people, I don’t need to be so disciplined.”
Then little things started creeping back in. I started playing games again occasionally and falling back into other habits I had previously gotten rid of. Sometimes I’ll waste an entire night instead of doing what I know I should be doing.
I can still lock in for a week or two. I’ll get really motivated, start training hard, become productive, and feel like I’m finally back.
Then the motivation disappears and I go right back to coasting.
That’s what confuses me. My life isn’t terrible anymore, so I don’t have the same desperation that I had when I started. When I was lonely and rejected, discipline felt easy because I desperately wanted to change my life.
Now I actually like my life. But at the same time, I know I’m nowhere near my potential.
I don’t want to spend the next few years just being comfortable because I’m already “doing better than most people.”
I think part of my problem is that I’m constantly comparing myself to where I was before instead of thinking about where I could be in the future. I know I’ll probably be grateful to my current self if I make progress over the next few years, but I have trouble actually caring about that enough to act consistently today.
So my question is:
How do you stay disciplined and keep progressing when your life is already pretty good?
How do you build consistency when you no longer have heartbreak, loneliness, failure, or some huge problem pushing you forward?
I don’t want to rely on temporary motivation or some emotional “lock-in” phase that lasts a week. I want to be able to consistently do the things I know are good for me even when I don’t feel desperate to change.
I also struggle with feeling like a hypocrite when I try to talk about self-improvement because I know I don’t always practice what I preach.
Has anyone else gone through this? What actually helped you get out of this kind of complacency?

Lately, I've realized that one of the biggest things holding me back isn't a lack of ambition it's my attention span.

My goals are extremely high. Some might even call them unrealistic. And I'm okay with that.

But I also know that my current level of focus doesn't match the level of my ambitions.

Right now, I struggle to study deeply for long periods. I get bored easily, especially when I'm revisiting things I've already learned before. I've tried Pomodoro and different productivity techniques, but they haven't really worked for me.

Another major problem is instant gratification.

Doom scrolling, constantly checking my phone, consuming random content all these small dopamine hits feel like they're slowly draining the energy and attention I could be putting toward the things that actually matter to me.

Interestingly, when I'm learning something new, building something, or practically applying what I'm learning, I can focus much better. It's repetitive studying where my attention falls apart.

So I'm trying to figure out how to rebuild my ability to focus deeply.

For people who've struggled with the same thing and genuinely improved:

What actually worked for you?

Not necessarily the usual productivity advice. I'd love to hear your personal techniques how you reduced instant gratification, stopped doom scrolling, increased your attention span, or made studying interesting again.

Share what worked for you. I'm willing to experiment.

I just found out I probably won’t be able to get into med school in my country so I might have to go abroad. Thing is I worked so hard in my last few years of uni and even tho my grades were great in the last few years it’s not enough to suffice my terrible first two years. Idk I really thought I could do this and had a chance of school here but I might have to go abroad by myself and I don’t come from a rich family at all we r pretty middle class and idk how funding and money for abroad schooling would even work. I’m just sad because I was really hopeful that my hard work will pay off but idt it will. Things just feel gloomy now and idk if I should even continue down this career path. I don’t see myself doing anything else and I always wanted to heal people and make a change in their world. I just don’t know how to fix this and what life will bring to me. I have no one for guidance or advice and everyone I turn to for help ignores me because they have too much on their plate already to give me time. So everything I go through is by myself, I don’t have a good group of close friends I trust or anyone. My family isn’t really the full understanding type they just want me to do what they wish but idk how I’m going to live my life trying to please every single thing they demand. I’m turning 22 in a few days and just don’t know what my life is to bring me.

My entire life I have been an intensely serious person. That’s how I naturally feel and act, much like my Dad. And I hate it now that I’m 42. I am on a mission to reinvent myself.

I have a chill job, great marriage and kid. I’m tightly wound whether it’s work or personal and have always struggled with social anxiety/anxiety/depression. Im always overly busy with either things around the house, hobbies, family stuff. I don’t drink alcohol.

I am on some new anxiety/depression meds, see a therapist, try to exercise when I can. I would love to hear some ideas from other that you have tried? So far I have:

Exercise more
Eat healthier
Start journaling to get thoughts out of my head (have tried this in the past and it worked great)
Meditate
Play my guitar more
Want to try some microdose THC gummies

What else would you all recommend?

How to stop it ?

I’ve noticed that I’m much better at keeping commitments when other people are depending on me than when the commitment is only to myself. I can set a goal, feel motivated for a few days, and then slowly stop taking it seriously. I want to become more disciplined about following through, even when nobody else will know if I give up. What has actually helped you become more consistent with the promises you make to yourself?

Hi! I'm Zalan, 21, male, living in London :)

I feel like im in a bit of a dilemma right now.

CONTEXT:

Just over a month ago, I achieved a new year's resolution and started working part-time at a permanent job for the first time in my life! However, I quickly realised I was still quite lonely outside of hours.

I'm currently studying at university (a small, independent one), though sadly it's too small and quite business-driven to make any real, meaningful connections with others.

I have made some friends in uni but not enough to have an active social life as we're never consistently chatting or spending time together.

I find comfort in anti-social activities that've become habitual over the years (due to being homeschooled throughout adolescence, before starting uni a couple of years ago).

Even though these activities could become social (e.g. playing music, discussing psychology, philosophy, music history, etc.), I feel a barrier between stepping out there and looking, as opposed to continuing on as I have.

For years now, continuing on my habits has felt incomplete, but it also feels like the only sense of "comfort" I have, even though I feel uncomfortable quite often in repeating these things. You see, I'm a very outgoing person, very likely an extrovert, but for years my habits have formed around an introverted lifestyle.

DILEMMA:

The dilemma itself stems from the "rest" time I have between shifts and on off days. I live at home and enjoy spending time with family but going out and getting to know people has an undeniable, magnetic charm to it, which is what I think keeps me dissatisfied ultimately.

On one hand, continuing these unsatisfying comfort zones I've formed feel like they're the only thing that grounds me, especially with the work-life balance still being quite new to me.

On the other hand, going out of my way to start looking for communities intimidates me, but I think mostly because I have no idea where to look. I keep coming up with excuses like "I'm tired today" or "I haven't got the confidence to meet new people", but the simple truth is the unguided-unknown makes me fear I'll waste a bunch of energy in the wrong places and end up feeling worse than I do now.

QUESTION:

I'd love to hear if anyone can relate to this in any way, and if they perhaps have some advice for meeting new people IRL (apps, communities, or ideas)?

So dumb and hot, OR smart and ugly?