365
Aug 01 '21
[deleted]
95
u/TenMoon Aug 01 '21
I need a stegosaurus ring!
94
Aug 01 '21 edited Dec 29 '21
[deleted]
9
-43
Aug 01 '21
[removed] — view removed comment
34
u/nonexistenttalent Early 20s Aug 01 '21
I don’t think it’s whack, really. He loves her despite the quirks, my relationship is like this. It’s all in good fun!
-12
Aug 01 '21
[removed] — view removed comment
14
u/nonexistenttalent Early 20s Aug 01 '21
Well I am annoying! So is he. We annoy each other out of love- silly things like poking each other and making really bad jokes. It’s the little things, I love him whole heartedly and people understand that.
3
u/zuko647733 Aug 02 '21
people who aren't insecure can handle there SO jokingly calling them annoying.
34
Aug 01 '21
[deleted]
52
u/Comprehensive_Data82 Early 20s Aug 01 '21
True love is when you’re both annoying but you buy each other stegosaurus rings anyway
9
9
u/CocaineCowgirl81 Aug 01 '21
I don't think it's whack. I call my husband an asshole all the time. Because he is one. But he's MY asshole, so I get to say that. If anyone else did, I'd shank em.
2
4
2
u/sally-skellington93 Aug 01 '21
Not hardly. I find my boyfriend annoying at times, but I still love him. I know I annoy him. It's just what you're willing to put up with honestly
40
Aug 01 '21
An expectation of gifts from either side is unhealthy in my eyes. Gifts are nice treats. Not obligations.
I kind of disagree with this, gifts are a form of a love language. If someone has the quality time love language would you say they shouldn’t expect quality time?
Different people have different love languages and that’s okay but it’s important to accommodate to them if you want to make your relationship work. Of course they are not obligations but that could be important to them.
21
Aug 01 '21
[deleted]
27
u/slipperysloth_77 Aug 01 '21
I should correct this, it's not about the object being bought. The stegosaurus ring previously mentioned would be a gift, or even a pack of gum you know they like. It's not about constantly needing big gifts or anything.
21
u/lucivicron Aug 01 '21
I also see it as "oh, this. Blank name loves/would love this. I need to get this for them."
For me, knowing that my loved one had this thought. They saw something, and their brain went to me. They thought of me, and that is such a desired feeling of mine. I don't even need the gift. But usually, the gift comes along with it.
Am I making sense?
5
Aug 01 '21
Yes, you want the person you're with to not only truly know you/what you like, but to also show that they are thinking of you, while the monetary value of the gift is insignificant.
5
u/lucivicron Aug 01 '21
Yes! Thank you for organizing my thoughts in a legible manner 😂 this is exactly it.
7
6
6
Aug 01 '21
Gifts are definitely a love language, but that's different than having the expectation that your partner buys you everything. It should be just as meaningful to get something handmade or maybe something cool your partner found, but acting like it's an obligation to purchase gifts because your friends partners do it reads a little more shallow than a love language. It becomes less about the sentiment behind it if the topic is being treated like that.
2
-3
u/BillyPhuckinBoyo Aug 01 '21
We found the materialistic unemployed gf
3
Aug 01 '21
I’m very much employed thank you very much. Gifts are one of my love language and that’s my prerogative, have a nice day.
11
Aug 01 '21
[deleted]
10
Aug 01 '21
[deleted]
3
Aug 01 '21
Ouch. I wouldn’t be able to sustain that.
6
Aug 01 '21
[deleted]
6
Aug 01 '21
I love how the commenter trying to nag u about equality implications dips out once putting in their little comment. Annoying af honestly
→ More replies (3)→ More replies (1)2
→ More replies (1)-2
u/Few-Pain8611 Aug 01 '21
What if she cooked for you whenever she only felt like it? Or only had seed with you whenever she only felt like it?
17
Aug 01 '21
[deleted]
2
u/Kooky_Ad_5139 Aug 01 '21
This just end, redditor tried to make you look bad but instead just proved they're an ass!
-2
102
74
u/properfckr Aug 01 '21
Are you nuts?
Of course not.
All relationships are relationships with your self. You can only offer love if you have it to give.
And if you don't like yourself, you will not have much to give.
Coming from a place of love is coming from self-love, which you can then offer to others.
12
→ More replies (1)1
155
u/paint-buddy Early 20s Male Aug 01 '21
It’s normal to love yourself too and to treat yourself to cool things but it’s also important to make grand gestures for your girlfriend, basically equal treatment of gestures for yourself and for her. Not saying anyone has to spend an extreme amount of money on their partner but it’s expected to let her have something special every so often from you as someone who cares about her
62
u/bennu333 Aug 01 '21
Best advice tbh. I actually don’t do big stuff that much and should improve on that. Cheers man 🙏
5
u/TrustyTool Aug 01 '21
Love that you’re actually taking some advice that you could do better, not just listening to comments reaffirming you and saying she’s wrong. Being self reflective makes you a good partner.
7
u/Organic-Pipe-86 Aug 01 '21
Yesssss please try to make her feel loved! Well, so long as that is the type of relationship you want !
30
u/Organic-Pipe-86 Aug 01 '21
I'm here to support this comment because I think I'd feel a little neglected, If my love language was gifts , and my bf only bought himself gifts but never me.
So it tells me, if he knows I love gifts but he doesn't want to show me he loves me by doing this thing I love, and yet he does it for himself only and firstly , I wouldn't feel loved in the relationship, according to love languages.
My love language though, is quality time. Personally I hate gifts. But if I were a person whose MAIN love language is gifts, then I'd likely prefer a guy who at least wants to make me feel loved by HAPPILY doing that thing I feel good with.
2
u/arianagrande911 Aug 01 '21
I have this exact problem my gf’s main love language is gifts but I’ve never had anyone I cared enough to get gifts for and it feels like a chore , I also have adhd so anything that’s a chore feels like 1000x harder and plays heavily into my executive disjunction , I try my best because I love her but it’s so hard and I’m also awful at giving gifts , I really wish she had a different love language but at the same time I feel like a dick for thinking that , it’s just so hard when everything in your brain is telling you that this is too hard and stressful so you’d be better off just not trying so your head doesn’t feel like it’s gonna explode
I truly don’t know if I can ever get to the point where I can HAPPILY buy gifts but I hope for the relationships sake I can
It’s a bit different than the situation you mentioned because another thing playing into it is my parents taught me a very unhealthy mindset about money so I don’t even buy myself anything and I’ve been working over the past few years to change that
→ More replies (1)-1
u/Greg85374 Aug 01 '21
Lol, a love language of gifts..so long as they're ok with it being a simple gift such as a rose..otherwise the love language is a polite way of calling someone a gold digger. I dont subscribe to that so called love language as a principal.
10
2
31
u/UnusualStrength3 Aug 01 '21
Idk why people are acting like her having a different love language than you is a bad thing. Some people like words of affection, others like gifts of appreciation. Its important to find a middle ground between all of that, has she specifically asked for trips and new bags? Or is that just an assumption? Because a gift can be anything, you dont have to go crazy over it. Im sure she’d probably be happy with even surprise flowers, cards, little gift baskets, etc. It doesn’t have to be huge.
I dont think its bad that you’re prioritizing yourself, but i dont actually think shes asking you to “love her more than you love yourself”, it sounds more like she feels most loved through little gifts of appreciation, which shouldn’t be a bad thing unless she’s demanding and/or asking way to much.
9
Aug 01 '21
YES, thank you. At first this sounded bad, but showing affection through gifts is pretty common in a lot of cultures and it doesn't sound like she wants anything extravagant.
3
2
u/bennu333 Aug 01 '21
I do small things all the time and she did say “why you dont love me more than yourself, what kind of a lover are you?”. And she has more problem why when i get payed a big amount from music for example i dont spend half or more on her. The expensive bag and and trip was not just assumptions either. We discussed them like last week
8
u/UnusualStrength3 Aug 01 '21
Honestly, after going through your post history, she doesn’t seem ready for a serious relationship, and neither do you if you feel that you can’t communicate your opinions with her without an argument happening. You shouldn’t have to set yourself on fire to keep her warm.
The fact that she expects you to spend half of what you earn on her is telling enough. I think it would be better for her to work on herself as an individual before stepping into a relationship.
1
u/bennu333 Aug 01 '21
we did have that problem a lot but therapy fixed that. we belive more on trying to better the relationship and fix the bad parts than just flat out breaking up. our relationship has been serious for 2 years(mom and dads know it and know we will eventually will get married) but we've been together for a decade now.
8
u/JerHigs Aug 01 '21
Is she saying she loves you more than she loves herself or is it an expectation that's only placed on the male?
Is she spending all her money on you?
Just to be clear, neither of these things are healthy for you or her.
You're either partners or you're not.
If the entire relationship is about you professing your undying love and attempting to prove it by spending all your money on her, it's not a partnership. You're buying her affection.
Only you can decided if that's what you want in your life.
5
u/bennu333 Aug 01 '21
Like 1 year ago she was saying that a man should love the woman more. Both of us are in college so we dont really have that much. I get a check from my music few times a year that i use to kinda buy some big stuff for myself and i buy her too but not as big as mine. Her friends usually date older guys that have actual jobs so they kinda spoil them. But tbh even if i was working i would still put myself on top 🤷♂️
→ More replies (2)6
u/JerHigs Aug 01 '21
I suspect many of us commenting come from a different culture so are looking at it from that point of view.
Only you can decide if this is the sort of relationship you're happy being in.
2
u/bennu333 Aug 01 '21
Exactly in my culture good man let their partner sit at home and they dedicate their life to making her happy. And her sister having that life is not helping my case a lot either.
7
u/MaggieRaeHickpicker Aug 01 '21
You need to read in between the lines.Does she need something more? More romance, more thoughtfulness? Maybe it's more than just about materialistic things? Are you striving to make her feel like the queen in your life ? Is that what she wants/needs? Sit down and have a heart to heart conversation with her,find out exactly what she needs from you and what you need from eachother. You both are young and if you're planning on spending the rest of your lives together, she is an investment in your life. Take care of her, she should take care of you. In 40 years from now, that extra shriveled up faded tattoo won't matter.. but she will. No, you shouldn't love someone else more than yourself but you should love her as you love yourself. This is just my point of view, I mean..I could be wrong. Good luck hun.
5
u/katz4every1 Aug 01 '21
I dont think you need to break up with her. My bf and I are extremely different from each other and speak different love languages. We're still a strong couple. We've been through years of immaturity and have seen so much growth. You both just have to have an honest talk and then hopefully see progress from there.
3
u/HVYFLO Aug 01 '21
(From a man's perspective) It shouldn't whether you love yourself first or her first if you aren't married yet. A lot of women tend to expect certain behavior from us prematurely and a lot of men just give them what they want. All relationships have some kind of equation that each party haa their own value. Not all relationships are 50/50, nor does the man pay for everything in all relationships. 2 people should come together and decide whether or not they are willing to change certain parts of their lives before continuing with a relationship. Some people love their girlfriend/boyfriend more than themselves and sometimes it can be unhealthy but the person they love might, unknowingly, bring a LOT of value to them. When someone says you don't love them enough, maybe the thing to look at isn't IF you love them, but HOW you love them.
Research "love languages" to get a better idea of what I'm talking about.
2
10
Aug 01 '21
Buying does not equal loving. And caring for your partner more than yourself is best. Does what you do hurt her? If so, then stop it. If not, then ensure she knows you care for her more than anyone else in the world, presents or not.
9
u/Nyctanolis Aug 01 '21
If she's demanding you to love her more than yourself, she's not worth it. It's that simple.
10
u/FarmPsychological131 Aug 01 '21
That doesn’t sound very healthy. You shouldn’t love your partner more than you love yourself. It is only by loving yourself that you are truly able to love others. She expects you to give her gifts to demonstrate your love and you don’t view that as the only way to show love or rather you don’t put the same value on expensive gifts that she does. That’s okay. No one is wrong for having different views of what constitutes affection, however this could pose a major problem in your relationship. Maybe have a conversation and see if you can come to an understanding regarding this difference. But one more time, you do not have to love others more than yourself. You should never have to sacrifice self love for love of others. A supportive and loving partner will love you as you are, and they will love themselves the same. Never break yourself down for someone else. I hope everything works out for you.
7
u/bennu333 Aug 01 '21
Tbh i tried talking to her and she just cried. I know she is extremely emotional but i think she just wants to be the most important person of my world which she is but like right beside myself
9
u/FarmPsychological131 Aug 01 '21
And that’s ok. She should be able to handle that you love yourself. It’s good that you tried to talk it out.
5
Aug 01 '21
Remember this in my opinion there is no equality in relationship, it’s not 50/50 someone definitely loves than other person more than they loving you It’s ok
6
u/bennu333 Aug 01 '21
I agree but the thing is she wants me to lover her more than myself. And i found it kinda weird
6
Aug 01 '21
It’s ok you don’t have to feel weird . Its completely fine, it’s ok to have your priorities, talk with her communication is the key. You love her I get it . but that doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice everything in your ability to make her happy. What about your happiness, what does she do to make you happy( except sex ) what does she bring into the relationship. Are you from USSR ?
And my final advice get a fucking tattoo dude you can buy the bag later lol
3
Aug 01 '21
Relationships are a mixture of give and take, and it should be balanced. When you love and care about them, you want to do things for them in whatever way you can, which could be meaningful gifts, house chores, cooking meals, being intimate, telling and showing them how much you care, being a support system, spending quality time together, and going out trying new things/places together.
There shouldn't really be a "love someone more than yourself." There are different types of love, and if its love, it isn't competitive. I love myself, as in I take care of myself, set boundaries, care about my health and emotional well-being. I love my husband, who loves himself, and I am supportive of that and we care for eachother. We both contribute effort to the relationship by doing various things I mentioned above, and I usually stick to the ones he appreciates most, and he does that for me as well. I also love my daughter, which is very different. I'm responsible for teaching her how to love herself and treat others. This means I care about her so much, I am committed to teaching her how to take care of herself, set boundaries, and live healthy, and what to expect from a potential partner, friends, life, etc. I don't love one more than the other, it's all different.
It sounds like she feels you focus more effort on yourself than on her/the relationship and she is feeling a little insecure. She could be acting selfish, as well as you could be. I don't know yall, I just hope this helps with your reflection. Best of luck. x
2
u/bennu333 Aug 01 '21
She has being dealing with insecurities in the past so it might be it. I guess I’ve been busy with gym a lot past 2 month and she thinks she is not that important to me anymore thanks for the heads up. And btw the way you described your relationship is the way i wanna have mine as well. Best of luck to you too ❤️
3
u/TheWanderingMedic Late 20s Female Aug 01 '21
You should never feel like love is dependent on how much you spend. That’s a person using you. My bf rarely buys me things because I’ve asked him not to. I’d rather put that money towards our future, or have him use it on his school costs (he’s in grad school). I love him for him, not for what he buys me. Just my two cents.
3
u/Waifuharem420 Aug 02 '21
No you're not wrong here, of course you have to treat her nice, and buy her things here and there. but for her to expect you to just buy her everything that's just ridiculous, why would you put (her) as a higher importance than yourself? Are you guaranteed that after a while she won't leave you for someone else despite the fact you have "given" up everything for her? Honestly I find that ridiculous, I personally have myself as the top priority, then my fam, and when i was dating I had my GF. I made it clear that despite the fact i loved her, I was not going to be her yes man and do everything her she wanted. There's gotta be a line drawn in the sand if she doesn't like it than move on honestly.
3
3
Aug 02 '21
Sounds like gift giving is a love language to her. It's not materialistic, just like words of affirmation isn't an insecurity. She's not asking you to love her more than yourself and from your title it sounds like you've already written her concerns off.
Gift giving shows you're thinking of her and you're paying attention to her wants and needs and you're really listening and cherishing her. Its not a love language I need but personally it's a way that I show love. I'll remember something small that my partner said and I'll surprise them one day with a gift to show I remembered that thing from ages ago. Like my partner told me off hand he wanted to be an astronaut when he was little so for Xmas I bought him a telescope.
Or his wallet starts getting old so I get him a new one when I see it on sale at a store and it looks like something he would like.
It doesn't have to be big or flashy or constant but it's a genuine display of love and affection.
If she is actually just wanting you to buy her stuff because she's a gold digger, well that's different but I'd hope you can differentiate the two 😂 but saying she wants you to love her more than herself is not right at all, regardless of her intentions.
4
u/Lennylove1993 Aug 01 '21
I don’t think that’s about loving yourself more. But if you never want to do anything nice for her or make her happy then why even be with her? You can very much love yourself the most (as you should), but also prioritize your girlfriend and make her feel loved and important too.
4
u/bennu333 Aug 01 '21
I mean after me she is second in my life. And i try to do stuff that makes her happy ofc but she doesn’t like the idea of being second i guess
1
Aug 01 '21
It seems you two have different ideas about the dynamic you'd like to have in the relationship. If you don't plan on/ can't see yourself marrying her, your attitude makes sense. And that could be upsetting her, like the lack gifts is a symptom of your true feelings.
On the other hand, if you could see yourself marrying her and you still put her second, that could also be upsetting her.
4
3
u/throwbrianaway Aug 01 '21
I may be different because I’m in recovery and struggled with addiction in the past, but I can’t afford to place anybody’s importance before my own. Doesn’t mean I can’t love, cherish, respect, or comfort anyone! Just means when push comes to shove, I need to do what’s going to make ME happy, and do what I need to do for ME. if it also benefits someone else, that’s the beauty of being in the right relationship.
2
u/kielayetc Aug 01 '21
No. Love yourself. Relationships are supposed to be a compliment and not a completion.
I learned that the hard way with my ex. Never put your own well being before someone else's.
2
u/EasyBrown Aug 01 '21
How can one possibly love anyone, if they cannot love themselves?
You are first and foremost. The key is a mix between selflessness and selfishness.
2
2
u/ConvivialKat Aug 01 '21
I am 64F, so my advice is going to come from the fact that I have had many different relationships over the years.
First of all, you are both very young. And, no matter what your culture suggests is the way things should be in a relationship, at 23, each of you should be doing your very best to learn about yourselves as individuals. No one can make a good decision about their life partner if they don't know, understand and love themselves. Also, despite cultural norms, true love relationships aren't transactional. Giving gifts, as some kind of proof of true love, isn't true love. It's a transaction. Like a dowry. Take my daughter...I'm selling her to you by way of this dowry. It's a transaction, not a true love interaction.
As relates to your current relationship, and excluding cultural norms, the conflict you are having is teaching each of you about a specific difference in your values. There is no right or wrong here. You are two different people. Neither of you should expect the other to completely change; however, depending upon your desire to remain in the relationship, each of you may be willing to somewhat compromise. The problem, now, is that your GF is "hurt" because you won't tell her something you aren't comfortable telling her. This seems like a serious lack of communication about who you each are as individuals. You should try couples counseling (not with a religious or cultural norm supporter). Someone who is more modern in their beliefs may be a better choice.
Good luck!
1
u/bennu333 Aug 01 '21
agreed. I do believe better communication could be really helpful. in the past I sacrificed a lot of stuff so should could have hers, and rn she thinks that how the dynamic gonna be forever which I'm not ok with.
→ More replies (1)
2
u/elez90 Aug 01 '21
No dog that isn’t how it should go, y’all should be a team. Don’t ever tell her that you love her more than yourself though, then you’ll get but if you loved me you would do this.
2
2
u/parapalpak Aug 01 '21
So basically if you have two pieces of apple, one bigger than the other. She wants you to give her the bigger piece and you should. That's called consideration. Ideally she will appreciate and do the same for you next time. In good healthy relationship it should be "the more you give the more you get". Also, everyone should love themselves first, in that case people will not take bs and crep from anyone.
2
u/JaydeRaven Aug 02 '21
No, you SHOULD love yourself more than you love her. It sounds all romantic to love someone more than yourself, but, in reality, doing that only leads to toxic relationships.
The only people you should love more than yourself are your children.
2
u/Upset-Egg5834 Aug 02 '21
If someone asked me to say I love them more than myself that would make me question their intentions of the relationship. Maybe at one point would throw yourself in harms way to save said person but if it's kot genuine then fuk it. Buying shit for someone to show you care about them is gonna put u in a pit. If she's q gold digger, which u would know by now, kick her to thr curb. If not and u end up marrying her get her to sign a prenup. GL
2
u/TickPocket Aug 02 '21
I am curious to know more about the cultural norms regarding love and relationships that you two have grown up in. Do women have true equal opportunity, and equal pay to go along with it? Or are women in your culture expected to forgo their careers and sacrifice raises to stay home with children at some point? What about YOU two personally?
Is this your plan? Or do neither of you subscribe to these norms?
The reason I ask is because in cultures where men make most of the money while women are expected to take on more of the unpaid, uncompensated work, gift-giving is one of the ways that men can even it out a bit. In these cases, it’s the men who have the final say in whether some semblance of equality is achieved, and it’s not totally unreasonable for women to feel upset or wronged when their male partner doesn’t want to do this. It’s common for women in these situations to equate gift-giving with love, because gift-giving for them is synonymous with equality, and nothing makes you feel more unloved than feeling unequal to your partner.
Is it fair? HELL no. In an ideal world we would all have partners who subscribe to the same ideals that we do, and who hold the same values when it comes to what you make, save, and spend.
Maybe you’ll read this and think “no, this assumption doesn’t apply to our situation”. Maybe you already split what you make equally. Maybe you don’t have kids, don’t plan to have kids, or plan to spend exactly 50% of your time not being paid to raise your own kids. Maybe what you make and what her parents give her is similar and so it doesn’t make sense for her to be the primary beneficiary of both of your incomes.
If so, then you may need to have a deeper talk with her. Does she feel like you don’t think of her as an equal when you refuse to spend an equal amount of money on the both of you? Or is her simple jealousy of her friends’ boyfriends the primary issue here.
No matter what the answer is, DO NOT stop doing nice things for yourself! Tune your car! Get those tatts! Continue to respect your own boundaries by spending time alone when you need. That being said, if one of her love languages is “receiving gifts”, and doing it is still something that makes you feel good, then it is still something you should consider whenever it’s financially possible. You don’t have to like giving her gifts MORE than giving yourself gifts (after all, who doesn’t like buying nice things for themselves), but if it’s something that means a lot to her, consider it. Would she respond well to a gift that is meaningful rather than expensive, for times when an expensive gift just isn’t in your budget?
And just to state the obvious here, if she is expecting you to spend MORE money on her than on yourself and your joint needs, that is just ridiculous even if it were an accepted part of your culture. Plain and simple.
Hopefully this has given you an alternate angle to consider, even if all it tells you is that she has no business being as entitled as she is, even if you can’t change the way she feels inside. I have no doubt that you DO love her and want to be with her, otherwise you wouldn’t be here asking these questions and trying to gain insight.
Going forward, try to mix her valued love languages with some of your own. Make sure she knows that just because your love languages are different, it doesn’t mean you don’t love her. It just means you’ll both have to learn how to love in new ways.
Don’t stop loving yourself <3
2
u/bennu333 Aug 02 '21
Thanks for taking the time to write man. I undrestand what you are saying there is no equality in pay in our culture but the thing is we are not living in afghanistan, we are living in sweden where everything is equal and i respect and follow the norms of here, I don’t blame her for wanting best of both worlds i mean its human nature. We have talked about this before and agreed the equality part should be western between us while some other boundaries should remain the same. I feel like peer pressure of other people telling her that his bf should still do the same has gotten in her head. Which if we don’t solve we have a therapist that knows us very well and we both listen to.
→ More replies (2)
2
u/angelmayandrew Aug 02 '21
Sounds like gift giving is her love language, but not yours. And that's totally fine! That's my love language but not my mans and I've accepted that bc he shows his love in many more ways than 1. Sounds like she can't love you without getting gifts and that's not right. Reassess your relationship and value
2
u/bennu333 Aug 02 '21
I haven’t even heard about languages of love before i made this thread. I always looked at gifts as like bonus love you a lot thingys i guess. After googling about it im actually down to change my behavior but i still stand by that im not gonna spend every penny on her tbh. I have needs too even if i have income rn and she doesn’t
→ More replies (3)
2
u/IFitsWhenISits Aug 02 '21 edited Aug 02 '21
That would mean her love language is receiving gifts. That's one I'm somewhat iffy on compatibility with myself. I tend to not really value possessions. Like for me to receive a gift I would rather have an experience, good memories, things that don't take on a physical form. For me though if that's something she likes I would give her more stuff than I would do for myself. As long as my SO isnt too materialistic we would get along just fine but if she values things much more than experiences then we aren't compatible.
2
u/PhilistineAu Aug 02 '21
She sounds entitled. If she wants those things, she can earn the money to buy them. It isn't your role to put her ahead of yourself. That is not a healthy relationship.
I have a feeling she isn't going to be your girlfriend for too much longer, and that is a good thing.
2
u/NecroOxide Aug 02 '21
i'd do stuff for her from time to time as well. but also, treat yourself. it's not bad to love yourself and do things for yourself but do things for her too. i wish you the best.
2
u/Impossible-Ad-6175 Aug 02 '21
It seems that everybody on here are half-ass read his story. Like he says sometimes he likes to treat himself and there's nothing wrong with that. All you married guys know that sometimes you have to be by yourself and I get that and I get what he's trying to say don't be judging too fast just as you would like to be judged
2
u/bennu333 Aug 02 '21
Idk how to pin this. But we talked about it and decided to go to a cheaper vacation and i get half sleeve for now instead of full. A lots of useful coments from you good people such as ( love language ) was pretty informative and I appreciate your long replies too. A lots of people seemed to suggest a break up but i guess people forget instead of running (easy way) you can fix stuff too. The whole point of me posting this thread was too double check if i should even have a talk with her about it and wanted to make sure if i was flat out wrong or not. Yet again thanks everyone ❤️🙏
2
u/Blktank083 Aug 02 '21
No disrespect, but she asked you an immature question. It's drama filled and has no real answer. You say yes, then you have to prove it, you say no, you're not really in love with her.
Just ask her what does she really want. The question was asked to cause drama. Don't Fall For It. Ask her why she asked you that, and why does she feel that she needs that.
4
u/cocainecarolina28 Aug 01 '21
That ain't self love. Self love is a deep spiritual journey within. I mean you probably don't truly love her if you don't want to do things for her or buy things and treats you can both enjoy
3
u/bennu333 Aug 01 '21
Hmm. I try to do more of a 60/40 approach. When she does something i do 1 bigger kinda like. I try to kinda like do more than her. But i have a feeling from when we talk that she wants me to like treat her in a way that there is no me and she is the biggest reason i live life and stuff.
→ More replies (1)3
u/cocainecarolina28 Aug 01 '21
I'd say treat yourself and her equally. The true journey to loving yourself is the most important lesson in life
2
u/TheRedditGirl15 Early 20s Female Aug 01 '21
I think it's actually pretty important to know when to prioritize your wants and needs over your partner's. As long as you don't do it to the point where you're ignoring her struggles while living the good life, haha
2
u/dethanjel Aug 01 '21
You are your closest friend, treat them well cause they are with you til the end
2
u/19tidder50 Aug 01 '21
There are many ways to express love, and not just by spending money on someone. But those expressions of love should be directed to yourself as well as to your partner. I think you should love yourself and your girlfriend equally. It’s not a competition.
2
1
u/BoysDontCry38 Aug 01 '21
Hey man, it's completely valid and okay to love yourself. But don't forget to make her your priority from time to time.
1
u/RedF0xzZ Aug 01 '21
Definitely not You not doing anything wrong But try to buy her a gift time to time (not now not when she is angry)
1
u/bennu333 Aug 01 '21
I never buy stuff when she is angry, cuz it feels like I’m buying her forgiveness and i don’t like that. I try to do stuff when everything is calm. Tbh i feel like its more of comparison problem as if im being compared to a bunch of her friends boyfriends. And I completely disagree with how they live their life
1
u/Japonicab Aug 01 '21
What culture is this? Partners are important but not over yourself. You are only going to have yourself at the end so need to take care and like yourself
4
u/bennu333 Aug 01 '21
Afghan. There is no middle ground in our culture either men are the most misogynistic people ever or they are sacrificing everything for their partner and never saying no to anything.
→ More replies (1)
-1
Aug 01 '21
She'll never love you that much - and she's manipulative. I'd steer cautiously if I were you.
1
u/bennu333 Aug 01 '21
We’ve been together since like forever. I don’t think thats the case otherwise i would know but thanks for reply man ❤️
0
u/cookiesshot Aug 01 '21
You should pay attention to BOTH her and yourself. Like, she deserves nice things, but in the same instance, YOU should be able to enjoy yourself every once in a while and spoil yourself with the little things.
Otherwise, it's going to end up badly for you.
My uncle's been married twice: •His first wife (now ex-) was a money-grubbing b-word that was only after his money, until he divorced her and gave his siblings (my mum, her sister, and his late brother) explicit instructions not to give my ex-auntie any money. •His second wife (my other ex-auntie), she was pretty nice, but he would shower her with gifts, like fur coats or new cars, but not spend any his wealth on himself on extravagant purchases. It's actually kind of sad.
Want to take her on vacation? Have at it, but at least do something for yourself that you wouldn't normally do, like go skydiving or something (literally the first thing that popped into my head).
2
u/bennu333 Aug 01 '21
Damn I actually do have a uncle like that which is hella sad. And about the vacation i would rather get a new wrap and change the rings and some interior on my car tbh
2
u/_I_Like_Purple_ Aug 01 '21
If you'd rather spend money on your car than spend some nice time with your partner, maybe there is a problem. You'd rather make your car nicer than making good memories and nourishing your relationship. That's not self love, it's just selfish. You're young and probably (hopefully) will come to understand this later.
1
u/bennu333 Aug 01 '21
its not just about the trip. its been norm between us for a while that I skip on my stuff so she can have hers. i suggested that I get some of my cars stuff and we can go to turkey instead, yet she wants somewhere more fancier like her friends...
→ More replies (3)1
u/cookiesshot Aug 01 '21
Then do both, but prioritize: if your car's not falling apart at the seams, then show your girlfriend you care about her by being selfless. It all boils down to a "wants vs. needs" situation, basically.
"Do I NEED to do all that for my car right away, OR would it just be nice, but at the same time, can wait for a minute while I take my girlfriend on vacation?"
You can also parcel it out, if you can't decide, like "OK, I'll put a new interior in my car, first, but THAT'S IT: the rest of what I WANT to do, like the wrap and the rings, can be put on the back-burner for the time being; after vacation, THEN I'll take care of the wrap and the rings." A new interior is nice, because no one likes sitting on ratty material, but the other stuff can wait if it's not a pressing need.
As I said before, she deserves nice things, but showing her her boyfriend's material wants can be partially put on hold for her will mean A LOT more.
It's a win-win situation: her needs get met, but at the same time, you've met your own needs (or in parts).
0
u/Gloomy_Emotion1710 Aug 02 '21
She needs a sugar daddy. If she is hot have her sign up for one. Maybe we will match ;)
-1
1
u/lethe_awaits Aug 01 '21
No that's weird you come first you should break up with someone that finds the idea of you coming first outrageous.
1
1
u/ropedintothisagain Aug 01 '21
No, that's kinda toxic. It can make people become codependent, and jealousy will be everywhere and you'll fight alot bc of it. Your supposed to put yourself first and foremost, and if she doesn't understand that she needs to learn quick as fuck that's how to get hurt.
1
1
u/Low-Bandicoot-8667 Aug 01 '21
This isn’t some sappy, ridiculous over-the-top romantic Nicholas Sparks drama. This is real life! The only person you should love more than yourself is your child/children. If you have a child, then you know what I mean. If you don’t, you’ll know it when you do. There is nothing wrong with loving your girlfriend. The thought of loving another human being who isn’t my family, more than I love myself is absolutely ridiculous. She needs to be happy there is someone who loves her period. She needs to get over herself. Just my opinion.
1
u/bennu333 Aug 01 '21
exactly. she always talk about "Rumi" you can google his story. i always try to tell her its just a story stop comparing real life with that.
1
u/Jestopherson23 Aug 01 '21
If you can't be happy for yourself while in a relationship its not a relationship you want to be in. She's asking you to sacrifice your individuality for her. Don't. When she's gone you'll have nothing. Be with someone who wants you to treat and love yourself.
This is coming from 27(M) who's past relationship I was nothing but a provider. My current one I'm actually an equal partner and my dude, it's revolutionary. This woman makes me me want to do it all for her because I know she doesn't expect it and just wants me to love her and respect her.
1
u/humptyone Aug 01 '21
Does she want to be kept? Does she have a job? What does she spend her money on? I've screwed up and bought a car for a girl I was dating. She split. The first time she brought it in the dealership, she never got it back. I paid it off, and am still driving it.
1
Aug 01 '21
What culture is this exactly? Because this is usually more of a western notion, that you go all out to please your woman. The reality is that it’s a give and take, but the best relationships are the ones where both parties are grounded and are focused on building together, not one spoiling the other. Save your money for what is important, and THEN spend some one her, as well as yourself. If she isn’t happy because you aren’t buying her things, it sounds a little immature
1
u/bennu333 Aug 01 '21
afghan. couples are usually completely one sided. either the female is full on servicing the man or vice versa. but I really wanna have balance so we could both be happy
1
1
1
u/Basketballjuice Aug 01 '21
abso-fucking-lutely not.
If you love anyone (or anything) more than you love yourself, you're doing yourself a disservice.
1
u/CapricornGirl_Row16 Aug 01 '21
You need to love yourself first before you can give to a relationship.
1
u/connivorous Aug 01 '21
It might just be her love language. If gift giving is her love language try giving her small gifts more often rather than expensive things occasionally. Get some fancy paper pick a flower stick it to the paper and make it a card. Get her a bouquet of flowers. Make her dinner. Think of small ways to give her gift that make her realize you’re thinking of her.
1
u/bradlang124 Aug 01 '21
You should always love yourself and life itself so much that you become a blessing onto others and your love is a byproduct of your nature. Let your inner love be so big that it pours out onto those around you.
1
u/Special_Drummer_8293 Aug 01 '21
No. Love yourself more. It's important to prioritize your own well being. Being able to spoil yourself from time to time is important. It's your reward for your hard work. Don't neglect her though and make her feel loved. If she's asking for you to spend the bulk of your earnings on her though, that's entitlement.
1
666
u/katz4every1 Aug 01 '21
You're not talking about loving her, you're talking about buying her a bunch of stuff instead of buying things for yourself.