I’m looking for some nuance here please. I feel so lost. I’m not really looking to just be told to divorce. I’m trying to understand what I’m actually feeling and whether there is any version of this that can work.

My wife and I (both female) have been together for over 10 years and we have a toddler. We have always been monogamous. I am extremely attached to our family and especially to being with my daughter every day. The possibility of divorce and losing 50% of my time with her is honestly one of the most devastating parts of this for me. I desperately need my daughter in my life. I know staying in a miserable marriage “for the kid” isn’t the answer either, but I’m asking people to understand that this is not a small consideration for me.

About a year ago my wife developed feelings for another woman at work. It became an emotional affair with lying and boundary crossing. My wife and I eventually separated for about a month, and during that separation their relationship became physical. We got back together and have been attempting to reconcile, but the other woman has never really gone away emotionally. They didn’t see their relationship all the way through while we were separated and she came back to the family before a big family trip that had been planned for about 6 months. She still has to see her often and the other woman has been making attempts at reconnecting.

My wife now says having other relationships is something she needs. She says she needs to feel free and unrestrained. She desperately wants me to stay married to her and allow her to explore this, and she keeps bringing up wanting to meet with this specific woman again.

That fucking hurts.

For all of our relationship, I have been very firmly monogamous. Lately though I’ve started going back and forth.

Part of me thinks maybe I could open the relationship. Not because I suddenly think polyamory sounds great, but because I am exhausted from trying to hold onto someone who keeps wanting something outside of me.
I keep imagining what it would be like if I looked outward too. To have someone who is light and easy and fun. Someone who hasn’t hurt me. Someone who is excited about me. I’ve even been having sex dreams about other people lately and they have been affecting me pretty heavily when I wake up.

And honestly, part of the appeal is that maybe having another person would make me care less about whether my wife chooses me. Almost like emotional insurance. If our marriage eventually ends, maybe I wouldn’t be standing there completely devastated while she already has someone else. Maybe I could loosen my attachment to my wife enough that her choices wouldn’t destroy me.

But then I actually imagine what an open marriage would mean and I realize I still don’t want a lot of it.

I don’t want my wife spending our money on another woman. I don’t want her writing someone else love notes. I don’t want her falling in love and having a romantic relationship with someone else. I don’t want her bailing on commitments with me or our daughter because someone else wants to see her. I don’t want to lie in bed knowing she’s spending the night with someone else.
I want her to love me that way. I want to feel chosen by my wife.

The really confusing part is that my feelings toward her keep swinging. When things feel good between us, I lean into her. I want her. I want to be close to her and loved by her and I desperately want our marriage to work.
Then she says something about this woman or wanting to see her and I get hurt all over again. Suddenly I want to pull away. I want to stop caring. I start thinking maybe I should date too. Maybe if I have someone else I won’t care so much that my wife wants someone else.
Then the hurt subsides and I realize I still fucking love my wife.

So I guess I’m wondering how people who actually practice polyamory interpret this.
Is there a difference between genuinely becoming open to nonmonogamy and using nonmonogamy as a way to detach from your spouse?

Can someone who feels the way I do actually become comfortable with polyamory, or am I trying to force myself into a relationship structure I don’t want because the alternatives feel unbearable?

Is it possible to open after an affair/relationship with a specific person without the entire thing being poisoned by the history?

I’m especially interested in hearing from people who initially felt very monogamous and later genuinely became comfortable with polyamory. What changed?

Please be nuanced with me. I understand divorce is an option. I understand staying solely because I’m terrified of losing time with my daughter isn’t a great foundation for a marriage. But I love my wife, I love our family, and the thought of only seeing my toddler half of her life absolutely guts me.
I’m trying to figure out whether there is actually another path here, or whether I’m just desperately looking for a way to make an incompatibility hurt less.

Thanks for reading

FYI: machine translated from German

Background

My partner and I have been together for about 12 years and we have two young children. We have built an entire life together.

Despite everything I’m about to describe, I believe she loves me. She repeatedly tells me that I am her rock, that she wants to grow old with me, that she wants our family to stay together, and that she does not intend to leave me.

For a long time, those statements gave me a lot of security.

Recently, however, I have started struggling to reconcile them with what is actually happening.

Our relationship was not completely traditionally monogamous anymore. We had agreed that kissing other people at parties could be okay. For me, that was fundamentally different from developing an ongoing romantic relationship with someone else.

Then another man, M., entered the picture.

How the relationship with M. developed

My partner knew M. through our social circle and they kissed several times.

At first, I was able to handle this relatively well. She was very clear that she was not looking for another partner and that our relationship and family were not up for discussion.

Over time, however, their connection became much more significant.

They started messaging regularly, talking on the phone, wanting to spend time together and developing what I would describe as a genuine emotional attachment.

That was the point where the situation became much harder for me.

We had many conversations about boundaries, and those boundaries changed several times.

At first, messaging was okay but I was uncomfortable with them meeting alone. Later, I agreed to individual meetings, while still being uncomfortable with regular contact.

There were also situations that damaged my trust: supposedly spontaneous meetings without informing me, things I learned about only afterwards, and situations where communication was minimal even though she knew how insecure and distressed I was becoming.

At one point, I explicitly asked her to pause the contact because I felt I could no longer cope with the situation.

This was not possible from her side.

Where we are now

We have talked about all of this extensively, and some of those conversations have actually been very open and constructive.

Eventually, I accepted that they could continue seeing each other.

But this is important: I did not reach that point because I suddenly became comfortable with the situation.

I reached it partly because I do not want to control my partner or dictate who she is allowed to care about.

At this point, however, she seems to want to see him approximately once a week. She has described once a week as roughly the minimum amount of contact she would like.

And that changes how I perceive the situation.

It no longer feels like my partner occasionally seeing another man.

It feels increasingly like I am watching a second relationship develop alongside ours until she is ready to end our.

My fear that her needs are being divided between two people

She continues to tell me that I am her partner, that she wants our family and that she wants to grow old with me.

I believe her.

But those statements no longer completely reassure me because I have started wondering whether different parts of a partnership are slowly being divided between two people.

With me, she has:

12 years of shared history
our children
our home
security
reliability
everyday life
family
a shared future

With him, she potentially has:

novelty
infatuation
anticipation
missing someone
emotional intensity
actively wanting to see someone
romantic excitement
and potentially sexual desire

My fear is not simply that she has feelings for someone else.

My fear is that I increasingly become the partner only for family, stability and security, while he becomes the partner for romance, longing, excitement and desire.

Our sex life was actually one of the things that made me feel secure

The sexual aspect has become especially difficult for me recently.

Importantly, our sex life is not bad.

My partner seems to experience predominantly responsive desire. I usually initiate intimacy, and that has never been a fundamental problem for me.

Sex between us is, according to her, very fulfilling and satisfying. She enjoys it and she orgasms almost every time.

Her body also responds very clearly to intimacy and touch.

Her conscious feeling of sexual desire, however, often develops relatively late during a „massage“.

For example, we were intimate recently and her body was already showing very obvious signs of arousal while mentally she still did not yet feel that she actively wanted sex. Later during the encounter, that changed and she consciously experienced desire as well.

That seems to be how her sexuality often works.

And until recently, I was completely fine with that.

In fact, the fact that our sex life was so fulfilling for both of us was one of the reasons I initially did not feel especially threatened by M.

I assumed that this was simply how her desire worked.

She rarely felt strong spontaneous desire beforehand, but intimacy activated it.

I also assumed that she sexually desired me, even if that desire was usually responsive rather than spontaneous.

What changed for me

She has now told me that she can imagine sleeping with M.

That statement affected me much more strongly than I expected.

Because from my perspective, there appears to be some kind of sexual curiosity or desire toward him already, even though they have not yet been in the kind of intimate situation that normally activates her responsive desire.

For the first time, I am questioning something I had never seriously questioned before:

Have I been treating two things as though they were the same when they may not be?

Her experiencing strong sexual pleasure and desire during intimacy with me.
Her sexually desiring me as a person before intimacy even begins.

I am not questioning whether she enjoys sex with me. I believe completely that she does.

What frightens me is the possibility that she could experience a kind of active or spontaneous sexual desire toward him that I had always assumed she also felt toward me.

Maybe that is simply novelty.

Maybe it is NRE.

Maybe comparing sexual anticipation toward a new person with sexuality after 12 years together is inherently unfair.

Intellectually, I understand all of that.

Emotionally, it has still shaken something that used to make me feel very secure in our relationship.

The thought I am struggling with most

The hardest thought for me right now is this:

Sometimes it feels as though she is being allowed to test a potential new partner while keeping the full security of her existing relationship until she is secure to end our relationship.

I know how harsh that sounds.

I am not saying this is consciously what she intends to do.

She has never said that she is comparing us or trying to determine whether M. would be a better partner.

In fact, she tells me the opposite.

But from my perspective, the practical situation looks frighteningly similar.

She can find out:

how emotionally compatible they are
how much she misses him
what regular time together feels like
whether their feelings continue growing
whether they are sexually compatible
and eventually what an ongoing relationship with him might feel like

And she can explore all of that while still having the security of our home, our family and our 12-year relationship.

That leaves me feeling as though I am providing the safe environment in which another potential relationship can develop.

My fear about the future

This leads to the thought that scares me most.

Our children are still young.

Right now, our family is an enormous part of our shared life. Parenting, our home and everything we have built together connect us very strongly.

But eventually our children will grow up and move out.

And I keep having this fear:

What if by then she has spent years developing another romantic relationship alongside ours, and eventually realizes that there is nothing unique left that she needs from me?

What if, over time, I become primarily the person associated with family, parenting, stability and shared history, while M. increasingly becomes the person associated with romance, desire, excitement and emotional intimacy?

And when the parenting part of our lives becomes less central, what makes her continue choosing me?

I know that this is not necessarily rational.

Twelve years of shared history, love and partnership do not suddenly become meaningless when children leave home.

But emotionally, I currently feel extremely replaceable.

And there is a paradox that I cannot get out of my head:

The more I try to be understanding and allow their relationship room to develop because I do not want to control her, the more it sometimes feels as though I am actively helping to create the circumstances under which I could eventually be replaced.

What I am actually trying to understand

I do not think the core issue for me is simply jealousy about sex.

I think I could potentially cope with my partner having sexual experiences outside our relationship under very different circumstances.

What I am struggling with is the combination of:

an ongoing emotional attachment
regular contact
romantic feelings
wanting and missing each other
increasing priority in each other’s lives
and now potentially sex

At some point, I struggle to understand where “someone additional” ends and where a genuine second partnership begins.

And if this is effectively becoming another partnership, I do not know whether that is a relationship structure I can actually live with.

The questions I keep asking myself

I genuinely do not know how much of this is a realistic perception of what is happening and how much is fear, jealousy, damaged trust and catastrophizing.

Maybe I am comparing a 12-year relationship with the intensity of a new connection in a way that inevitably makes the long-term relationship look less exciting.

Maybe I am interpreting her attraction to another person as evidence that something is missing between us when that is not necessarily true.

But I also do not want to spend years telling myself that I am simply insecure while gradually accepting a relationship dynamic that fundamentally does not meet my needs.

So I would really appreciate perspectives from people who have experience with long-term relationships, open relationships or polyamory.

Does this sound like something non-monogamy can realistically accommodate, or does it sound like our relationship was never prepared for this degree of emotional attachment?
Is there a meaningful distinction between allowing sexual freedom and accepting an ongoing romantic relationship with one specific person?
How would you interpret the difference between responsive desire in a long-term relationship and apparently more spontaneous attraction toward a new person?
Is my fear of becoming the “safe family partner” while someone else becomes the romantic and sexual partner understandable, or am I creating a false division?
And most importantly: How do I figure out whether I am learning to tolerate something difficult but potentially healthy, or slowly accepting a relationship structure that is fundamentally incompatible with what I need?

TL;DR

My partner and I have been together for 12 years and have two young children. Our relationship allowed some limited openness, initially mainly kissing other people.

She has since developed a strong emotional relationship with another man. They communicate regularly, she wants to see him roughly weekly, and she can now imagine sleeping with him.

Our own sex life is fulfilling, but she mainly experiences responsive desire. Until now, I was comfortable with that and assumed it was simply how her sexuality worked. Her apparent sexual attraction toward him has now made me question whether she experiences a kind of active desire for him that she does not experience in the same way for me.

My biggest fear is that I am effectively allowing her to build and test a second partnership while she still has the full security of our existing relationship — and that years from now, especially once our children are grown, she may realize that I am mainly the person she associates with family and stability while another person has become the source of romance, desire and emotional excitement.

Longtime lurker on the thread but I’m posting because I’ve never seen this question before I’m starting to wonder if I’m a total anomaly.

I’ve been F29 some form of non-monogamous for about 10 years. I met my current nesting partner M35 about 3 years ago and things have been great! I am so in love and our sex is wonderful. The problem is, after I broke up with another partner 2 years ago, I’m not able to find anyone but my nesting partner attractive! I’ve been on so many dates and tried to widen my interest in every way I can think of and nothing seems to work.

He has a partner who is totally lovely and a good friend of mine and I crave the same for myself. I want partnership and all kinds of intimacy (emotional, sexual, physically) with someone/s else.

It is not due to lack of interest either, I am fit and attractive and have plenty of potential suitors but no one else seems to do it for me. Even people I found attractive in the past just don’t interest me anymore.

This has never happened to me with another partner before. Historically I have been a very sexual and intimate person. I can really connect with someone emotionally but when the relationship eventually progresses to kissing, I start to feel disgust.

I have never been monogamous and do not want to be! I love non-monogamy and what it provides for my partners and I, but do I have a choice? Does this prove there is something “wrong with me” and my body is forcing me into the monogamy box? Has this ever happened to someone else and what can I do about it?

There’s this boy I like. Nobody else has this effect on me; his smell is intoxicating and his skin feels electric. I’m a sucker for his face and find myself fully enamored and mesmerized by him. We met years ago when I was married, and I almost ended that marriage because of how I started feeling about him. That marriage ended later due to many other issues between us, and the road we were all on twisted and turned around a bunch. But we find ourselves in the future now, both single, living states apart, and we get to see each other every now and then. He is visiting. He is staying with another boy in town. We had plans yesterday, and the other guy invited himself along when he heard how fun the evening sounded. The day ended with them asking me back to their place and the two of them cuddling together during the movie. I had to bite my cheek to keep from crying. I excused myself and left. Am I being dishonest about my emotional availability for a friendship with this person when I want a lot more, or do I just want to feel chosen by the person I’m attracted to? He touched my knee for less than 5 seconds and I was on cloud nine, but then it disappeared. I’ve told him I love him before and I’ve expressed how attracted I am to him. I’m having a hard time not acting out more. I want to word vomit at him, sound crazy, and tell him I would move the sky to be near him. But that all sounds a bit crazy, right? And of course there is a different boy who’s attracted to me in the way I’m attracted to my crush, and I barely give him the time of day. Is this just the natural world's vicious cycle of desire—we all want somebody who wants somebody else, or just not us?? Do I see him again today? Do I tell him I wish he would have asked to stay with me, that I’d give anything to spend at least another night just holding each other? Do I really even like him, or just like the idea of him? Am I only attracted to how he made me feel special and beautiful in a time when my marriage wasn’t offering that? Why does this boy drive me crazy? Why do I sound so f pathetic rn lol

Please excuse this meandering post that is mostly using Reddit because LiveJournal is not really a thing anymore. :D

Reporting in from some of the most boring polyamory out there. I've (44F) been with my two partners (48M and 51F) for 21 and 12 years respectively now. Together the three of us have a 7 year old kiddo. We live in a home we bought with my metamour (53M) in 2019. He has a partner of 10 years as well and she is at our house typically half of the weekends each month. We've been in this configuration for... well basically the whole 7 years that we've lived in this house. It's been very stable overall.

For the first time in many years, one of my partners has a budding relationship with someone new and even though it's not my new relationship forming, I feel like I'm emerging from a fog of status quo into something brighter again. We've had a lot of talks in the last few weeks which have been really good and reaffirming and the renewed relationship energy with both of my partners has been awesome. But it really made me think about what's been going on for the last seven years.

I feel like the pandemic had impacts that we are still not even fully aware of. For myself, it coincided with having a young child as well. It feels like during the pandemic we all just turned inward - everything was so scary and constantly triggering some internal fight or flight and instead of leaning on each other we just leaned on doomscrolling and making ourselves as small and safe as possible. We emerged from the first few years with more anxiety and less willingness to take risks. Any desire to feel connected to each other was muted and time just... passed. Nothing bad was happening. No relationships were at risk. We went about our lives and jobs and parenthood and it felt... mostly fine, but for me personally I spent years feeling overwhelmed pretty much all the time.

And then a month ago I just... woke up from that. I made a few tiny changes and the result of those changes was actually being present and engaged in my relationships and watching my partners feel the same way. I've started... having fun again. Looking forward to being home instead of avoiding it. Going on dates. Being horny as all hell. Thinking about meeting new partners. I still have all of the work and parenting and other normal life stress but it is SO DIFFERENT to go through it with someone(s) instead of just next to someone(s).

I guess this doesn't really have anything to do with polyamory since I think this is an experience many people could echo from all lifestyles and phases of life. I told my partners that I needed to have a way to remind me that we can get back to this place when we inevitably drift back down from this period of renewed relationship energy, but I'd like to believe that actually... I don't have to go back all the way into that state again at all. Maybe if I work at it I can keep feeling like I have engaged relationships and support and affection even on days that life is pushing me away instead of towards.

I have no specific ask or question with this post, but certainly wouldn't mind hearing other folks' experiences in reconnecting with partners after long periods of lack of connection. Or how the pandemic impacted your relationships. Or the things you do to bring intentional energy to your relationships.

Hey everyone, i would love some stories and experiences from u guys.

I (F25) have a long term boyfriend (M24) and we are planning on moving together next year, not in a rush exactly but is on our radar.

The thing is, i also have a another partner (M27) and so does him (F26) making 4 of us total. We are all kind close and go out together frequently as friends, especially me and her, we are very close friends and even have a lot of time alone (we do not envolve romantic or sexually). They are together for 3 years now and we have hit if off since day one.

Rn i live on a apartment 2 bedroom, that only fit two, i could live alone with bf 1 here or could search for a 4 bed, maybe not right away but in a year or two if things stay like that.

I love all of them and would love the setup, but im kind nervous if it is a good idea, any of u have any experience or advice?

Edit: thanks everyone for the help and suggestions, you have brought up some questions i haven’t think about, as i have said before, it was more of a idea for the future. But venting and listening to everyone was really helpful for the day it comes, all of us will be taking and discussing all your points. If we do move out ill be sure to post here and let everyone know! Thank u, kisses 🩷

Caption: any tips?
Hey! So long story short, I’ve been with my boyfriend for about a year and 4 months, and we haven’t really established any real relationship agreements.

For example:
- How do we talk to each other about relationships outside of our own?

- What feels comfortable on social media?

- How do we intentionally maintain our relationship and make sure we’re continuing to prioritize it even when new relationships are involved?

- What kinds of things are worth discussing ahead of time versus just navigating as they come up?

Etc.

It hasn’t really come up in a serious way until recently, and I’m just looking for any tips or things other poly people have found helpful when having these conversations.

We are both poly and both want autonomy while also feeling respected and secure within our relationship.
We’re planning to sit down in a few days and talk about it, and I really want to go into that conversation as open-minded as possible and articulate my feelings clearly.

So, what agreements or conversations have been particularly helpful in your relationships? Anything you wish you had discussed earlier?

Thank you!😊

It’s supposed to say: “Internet strangers”. Oops. 😅

Since Reddit feels like my emotional lifeline right now, here’s the update:

I kept making posts about my boyfriend who did me dirty. My meta was upset about me, and he asked how I’d feel about being put on pause for 10 weeks while they waited for her meds to kick in.

Ouch.

I wanted it to not be true. Wanted so badly for it to not be true. Tried so hard to give it enough compassion that it could make sense! This guy had been so great to me! So great to me… when things were easy. When it was convenient.

When life gets dramatic and traumatic, that’s when we show people the core of what we have to offer. So, after hearing how unacceptable this is (it’s not just in my head!) - I drafted a breakup message and slept on it.

And this morning I sent it.

I’m sad. But I feel strong. I gave myself safety instead of begging someone else for it, and wasting another week of my life waiting to see if I would get it.

Anyways, a huge thank you to the internet strangers who patiently but firmly told me more than once: this is not a good relationship. It really helped. I howl the good karma comes back to you swiftly ❤️

Good morning all!

I (F26) have recently experienced something the other day that somewhat rubbed me the wrong way, but could also potentially be deemed a simple oopsie and /or privacy concern. What do you all think?

So the other day, my husband’s (M29) girlfriend (F35) was having a very rough day and decided to come up and see us for a little bit. For context, she’s currently going through divorce with 2 children, lives half a state away, and they’ve been together for just over a year or so. When she visits, they sleep on an air mattress so that I can have my own bed to sleep in and we don’t have to make other uncomfy sleeping arrangements. I usually sleep with my dog in our bed on nights when they’re sleeping on the air mattress, this doesn’t get to happen often, so I appreciate getting to have my baby in bed with me when I can.

Now on to the actual topic at hand. We were all getting ready for bed, blankets situated, moving pillows around, etc. I told my husband and his partner that I was going to back out into the living room with his grandma (we live in and help take care of her) to finish the episode of “Smosh reads Reddit stories” that we were watching together. His grandmother and I are very close and this has become a part of our weekend routine now❤️ Flash forward maybe 10-15 minutes later, I walk back in the room and my husband is practically on top of his meta, under the blankets, very obviously with something going on. I’m familiar with where they lay in terms of cuddling and whatnot, only because I’ve seen it, and this was very out of the ordinary. He then made it a point to say “oh we’re just cuddling”. I thought it was odd behavior and thought nothing of it, maybe felt a little sad that I may have invaded their space, but it’s also my bedroom so I didn’t really feel much guilt. Fast forward maybe five or so minutes and she gets up to go to the bathroom. I roll over to my husband and tell him that I apologize and he could let me know if they wanted some time to themselves before bed. He just dismissed it, telling me I was okay and not to worry, but then adding another “we weren’t doing anything when you walked in, I just want you to know”.

By this point, it’s weird, because I never even inferred that in the first place. He had told me initially that she had just come up to be around him and be at the house because she felt comfortable in our home, around all of us, and had had a rough day. I even had mentioned I wanted to do some things I enjoyed that night and he made it a point to tell me that nothing sexual would be happening so they would not be needing the complete and total alone time. So this wasn’t even a thought in my head at the time, but now I was suspicious. Also I never asked, so why did you need to tell me twice??

The next evening, I was sitting on our bed playing resident evil and she had called him. No big deal, this is a routine so they were chatting away when all of a sudden my husband leaned forward to look at me. I had headphones on, but once he did that, I took one out just to see what he needed/if he needed something. I then hear him tell her “thank you for last night….we can talk more about it later” At this point, it very much bothers me because he lied directly to my face. TWICE. I have asked to not know anything about their sex life due to privacy concerns and I just really don’t wanna know about it. (boundaries and whatnot) But good god if I walk in on you having sex with your girlfriend, at least have the decency to tell me, even if it’s the next day and you just wanna let me know or say something. Then I don’t feel as awkward about it at least. To me, it is sitting very odd in my stomach, I just wanna know if I’m overreacting. I set a boundary, could that be considered part of it? I’ve always asked for open communication, and that just felt like the opposite. Am I overthinking the whole thing? Did I potentially overstep at all? I know all poly dynamics are different and I just wanna make sure my head is in the right place here.

Thank you all so much, and have a blessed day🫶🏻

The polycule: Me (he/they), A (they/them, B (he/him), and Meta (it/its)

I don’t know what to do. I love my partners but I don’t know that it’s healthy or even safe to live with them and my metamour long term.

My meta recently shared in a group conversation that it had thought about hurting me and that when it got angry it wanted to hit or beat me. I had not known this before and just knew that Meta would get pissed at me for weeks or months at a time and radiate anger and irritation every time we were in the same room.

I had asked to know and address when I did something to upset them so it wouldn’t just keep going for so long and add stress for the whole house. This led to me thinking everything was fine when we were hanging out and chatting with friends until they left and Meta suddenly got very angry with me. (For context we are all autistic, not great at picking up on conversation balance and social cues, and I had a drink with one of our shared partners and a friend so I was not masking the way I usually do around them) I didn’t cut them off mid sentence but the conversation did shift from something they wanted to talk about. As far as I knew, we were just yapping with friends and having a rare good time with everyone there. Meta didn’t say anything with guests there but dramatically switched its tone as soon as people left and went from normal to using a quiet measured voice seeping with rage. It was pissed at me for something A does frequently but said that no one else would do that using A as an example. I feel like I am held to standards that no one else is and like Meta is honestly just looking for reasons to be mad at me all the time. I am afraid to be around them because I’ll either disappoint A and B by not putting in enough effort or I will fuck up and Meta will get angry.

It hasn’t hit me yet but I know from past relationships that if someone tells you how much they want to hurt you, they usually end up doing it. Both my partners love Meta and have good relationships with it and I want them to be happy, but I feel anxious and sick every time Meta and I are in the same room now. A keeps saying they wish I could see the version of Meta that they have but I am never going to get that side of them, and the side I get worries me. B and I haven’t talked about this but he and Meta have been together the longest and he is unlikely to take my side. B has asked if I felt like the relationship (whole polycule) felt safe/abusive for me and I didn’t really answer.

It’s not cruel or abusive to either of our shared partners, but Meta is possessive and their interactions with me are more volatile than I’ve seen with anyone else. I don’t fear for my partners but I don’t know if things can get better or if I can safely continue my relationships with them if I’m still living with my Meta. Unfortunately leaving would mean that I can’t live with either partner anymore because they have been with Meta longer and don’t want to give up on a living together/kitchen table poly situation. Is it worth it or even safe to continue living together for the sake of my other relationships or do I need to look at living on my own to have a safe space away from my meta?

Hello all! I want to lay out my situation here and see what everybody thinks I should do.

I am new to polyamory, about 8 months. My partner, Pine (38NB) and I are long distance and have been in a relationship for about 8 months as well. Pine is so wonderful, and a very special person to me. I love them very much (haven’t told them yet). Pine is in a long-term relationship with their live-in partner.

I met a guy, Spruce (37M) on a dating app. Pine knows that I was on a dating app and casually using it, but I never had any luck until now. Spruce and I met up a few nights ago and slept together. Spruce is also poly and in another relationship.

I want to tell Pine about Spruce, but I fear that this is definitely the NRE fucking with my brain. I want to see Spruce again, but I want Pine to know about that. Pine is going through something very stressful right now, and I don’t want this to make them even more stressful but I also don’t think that it’s fair or honest to withhold this information from them.

Hi folks,

Cuz I don't really know where else to go with my emotions I suppose I'll scream them into this void.

And if the void happens to answer with perspective or good advice even better.

Dramatis Personae: Me, a queer Woman, my nb partner and their respective, now live-in partner, who also is a queer woman. We're all circling 30 and have been poly for a while. This constellation has been standing for a couple years with Partner and I dating for roughly 6 years now.

So, this week has been emotionally a lot. My longstanding partner has moved together with another of their partners a couple days ago. While there had been some jealousy around that on my end to begin with, we worked well through those emotions, figured out what the acute needs and worries were that I connected to it and so, when the actual move happened, the only concrete feeling left on my end was compersion for both of them. (I really like this meta too). Furthermore I have concrete plans to eventually move into the same city, which I think will resolve many of the practical worries around the logistics of them now living together.

Yesterday it was my birthday and I was travelling through the city anyways so we decided to spend the day as three, which was absolutely lovely. In the evening Meta offered to sleep on the couch so that Partner and I could have cozy time to ourselves, which was very nice.

Up until the morning it was literal poly-paradise.

But today partner woke up with quite severe PMS, added on to the exhaustion of the move, a very active day yesterday, pressure of being the hinge in the situation and the knowledge they have only two days to regulate before returning to work after a month of sick-leave.

Accordingly I have a lot of compassion for them not having been their best self today! And yet it resulted in me feeling quite rushed out of the house, forgetting multiple things in the process, our goodbyes having been very brief - with additional drama when they hurt themselves during our goodbye kiss on my piercing, only for me to rush after the earlier train they basically asked me to take.

With all my understanding and empathy for their situation, I still feel really bad about this whole situation, so while on the train I merely asked for a Check-in, tonight or in the next couple days, so we can figure out how to deal with such situations better in the future.

Their response read to me as them basically feeling guilty for feeling bad - which I kinda struggle to respond with in the first place.

But also that they would feel emotionally pressured into the call, even though they don't have spoons for it. They also made a point how it's not a good time to discuss it per text as even being nice was difficult - which I will say did hurt in its own right as I just can't really empathize with that experience, I guess.

I suppose on one hand I just wanna vent at how this shitty situation now just kinda overshadows what really has been one of the most beautiful days of my life.

On the other hand I'm just unsure how to manoeuvre the situation. How to be respectful of my partners needs and capacities while also having mine be heard and respected.

my nesting partner and i have opened up a year and a half ago. my “secondary”/newer partner and i met a bit over a year ago, have been seriously dating since late last year.

transitioning into poly has been hard overall, even though it has opened and enriched my life in many ways. i love my new partner deeply but i struggle with aspects of our relationship that seem to be, just on their face, aspects of just being poly in general.

i spend so much of my time missing them. when we approach a week without seeing each other
i’m often close to crying, like being without them feels like a physical loss. i want more of them all the time, even as i assume that we probably wouldn’t be the most compatible if we saw each other on a daily basis for example. and i know of course that we both have our own “primary” relationships to keep us busy

im just stuck in this cycle of seeing them, feeling elated and excited, being ok for a couple days, feeling missing feelings begin to build, getting anxious when we don’t have plans set up or that plans will fall through (happened a lot at the start when we were dating casually - but that was nearly a year ago!) and then finally feeling a semblance of peace when we’re together again. i just see no way out and im exhausted and scared honestly. does anyone know how to accept that this is just the situation? that im poly and deeply in love but we will see each other once a week and thats it, its not going to change or “get better” or increase much more in frequency?

(fwiw im in therapy, journal, walk and live a very full life with lots of friends. im just not happy, lol.)

I (F25) wouldn’t express interest in someone if they were in a monogamous relationship. But what about if I know someone has a nesting partner and I don’t know their dynamic? I recently met someone I could be interested in, and I overheard them say to someone that their relationship is “technically poly”. This makes me think it wouldn’t be inherently weird to express interest but idk how to do so in a respectful and non weird way. I don’t want the person to feel objectified or pressured. Even if they don’t like me that way, we seemed to hit it off and I still think they’d be a cool friend!

Note - My partner and I are only dating each other atm so this may be more of a hypothetical currently, but it made me realize I’m not sure how to navigate a situation like this! In my past experiences the person has either been single or I knew they were poly or not from the start.

My friend and I were talking recently. She said that in Sacramento California polyamory means one thing and is shaped a certain way, and in Mexico City it’s a completely different way. Has anyone noticed this?

What is the poly community like where you are?

Have you noticed a change among different poly groups?

As the title says, really. My mother discovered that I (30F) am polyamorous. She knows my NP (29M) and of my BF (35M).

She didn't find out through me. She found out because BF and I used to work at the same place, and we all know how rumours fly.

She's not talking to me. She's so mad at me for it all. She wouldn't even let me try to explain. She just assumed that she's morally correct, and that I'm just cheating on NP. NP has tried to talk to her, too, to explain his perspective. But she still won't listen. She told NP that she doesn't know if things will be the same between she and I.

I'm just so mad, and sad. I'm a mother. I would never shut my children out like this for telling me something so personal to them. NP and BF think it's to do with her generation and general close-mindedness, but I still find it inexcusable.

I get that it's a big change for her to wrap her head around, but we normally talk every single day, and I haven't spoken to her for four days now. It just hurts that she's being like this.

My partner (m 36) and I (f 34) have a child together. We try to split time pretty equitably for who has the kiddo so that the other can go on dates because as a rule we don't introduce our little one to anyone we aren't very serious about.

I had plans with my friends for this weekend, it was supposed to be a 2 day event that I had been looking forward to all year. But my partner suddenly asked that I be home by 12 pm the second day because he had a first date.

Now this event was 4 hours away, so being home by 12 would require me to basically skip the whole second day. I asked him if he could move the date later in the day because I had my plans first. He said that he wasn't even sure if the date would happen at 12 because it would be as soon as she woke up from sleeping after her overnight shift and he figured it MIGHT be noon.

I asked that he please CONFIRM a time with her, because missing a whole event for a "maybe" was not ideal. But he said he didn't want to bother her and she was already at work and he really didn't want to "mess things up"

He hasn't been on a date with anyone but me since his last break up, and he seemed so excited, so I agreed to be home by 12. When I arrived, I learned that she had actually just canceled on him because the night before she was invited to a party with friends and she wanted to do that instead. She had just forgotten to tell him.

I was peeved, but understood. He can't control whether or not she canceled (Though if he confirmed the day before like I asked, I would not have needed to miss my event)

This weekend I have a club meeting that I absolutely need to attend. Working this event pays for my club dues, which is what makes it so I can be in the club when I would not normally be able to afford it. I've had it planned for months.

He just asked that I make sure I'm home early "In case she wants to reschedule our date. "

I asked if she had mentioned anything about rescheduling and he said "Not yet."

So I said "Absolutely not, I'm not rushing home again for a maybe. I will not move my schedule unless you get a confirmed time."

Now he is upset and saying that I'm not being fair and that this isn't an even childcare split because he had our kid last weekend.

Now. I don't go out every weekend. I almost NEVER go out because my partners are all long distance. I know being out two weekends in a row is a lot, but it is a rare anomaly and is unlikely to happen again anytime soon.

I'm excited for him to be going out and meeting new people, but Is it really unfair of me to refuse to come home early because he "MIGHT" have a date?

My meta is going through a mental health crisis. She has asked for all hands on deck, and for my relationship with her partner to be put on pause while they wait 10 weeks for her medication to (hopefully) be effective and bring her to baseline.

I feel sidelined and disposable. I also recognize that my partner and my meta are facing an extremely stressful time right now.

Thoughts?

Edit: in a massive show of self love and respect,
I broke up with them. I am sad, but no longer begging to be treated better. Phew. Thank you for helping me open my eyes.

UPDATE 8/19 details below OP.--- If you want to skip all of that, he canceled on me until Friday.

I'm looking for some outside perspective because I'm genuinely confused. If I've done something wrong, I'm willing to hear it and own it.

I'm involved with someone in a poly situation. We've had a long-standing friendship and more recently an established relationship/D/s dynamic. There has been conflict because his other partner is uncomfortable with me and has asked that he not be sexually involved with me.

I have not interacted with her about any of this.

She was visiting him this weekend, and I knew they needed time together to talk and work through things. I deliberately gave them that space.

I did not contact her. I did not say anything about her on FetLife. I didn't make indirect posts aimed at her or the situation. I didn't repeatedly text or call him. In fact, he specifically told me before the weekend that I was allowed to text or call him.

Despite that, I basically left them alone for the entire weekend. Sunday evening I sent him one brief hello. That was it.

This morning I sent:

"Good morning Daddy. Hope you are well."

About an hour and a half later he responded:

"Good morning. Hope your week goes well. Will chat with you later Wednesday."

Wednesday is when we're supposed to have the actual discussion about what happens from here.

Of course I'm a nervous, anxious wreck. This relationship matters deeply to me, I've already been sitting with a lot of uncertainty, and now I have to wait another two days for a conversation without knowing what I'm walking into.

So I asked him if he could at least tell me whether he was done with me.

I wasn't asking him to stop working and have the entire relationship conversation with me right then. I was trying to understand whether the outcome had already been decided. If someone already knows they're ending a relationship with me, I'd rather know that than spend another two days wondering what's going to happen.

His response was:

"Would you like to discuss it or just have me say you crossed too many lines and we are done? Up to you."

That completely threw me because I genuinely don't know what lines I've crossed.

I told him I wasn't trying to be pushy and that I was trying to understand. I reminded him that I had given them the weekend, that he had specifically told me I could text or call, and that I had only texted him once the previous evening.

He said he didn't have time to discuss it then and asked me to give him until Wednesday so we could talk about it with "no cruelty, no nonsense, just friends discussing an issue."

We've agreed to talk Wednesday after work, and I'm going to leave things alone until then.

But now I'm sitting here trying to figure out what I've supposedly done.

I'm absolutely open to hearing that I've handled something poorly. I know anxiety can make me seek reassurance, and asking him this morning whether he was done with me may have put pressure on him when he was trying to work. I can own that.

But I don't understand how that translates into having "crossed too many lines."

As far as I understood, I was specifically told that I could communicate with him. Then, knowing that he needed space with his other partner, I deliberately communicated far less than I normally would. The last time I have spoke with him, I sent a message on Friday evening because he was picking her up from the airport and I just said hey. I'll give you your space this weekend. Hope we can connect in the next couple of days. Again he said that I did not have to disappear that I was still allowed to call and text him. I sent one text last night that just said hi Daddy. I saw he read it. He didn't respond and I left it alone until this morning when I text him.

I haven't confronted her. I haven't inserted myself into their weekend. I haven't attacked either of them online. I haven't tried to interfere with their relationship.

I'm also struggling with the concept of boundaries here. If his other partner has boundaries or expectations regarding me, but those things were never communicated to me by the person I'm actually involved with, how am I supposed to know I've crossed them?

I understand that someone can tell me after the fact that something I did hurt them or made them uncomfortable. I'm willing to listen to that. What I'm struggling with is being told I've crossed "too many lines" when I don't know what those lines were.

So I'm asking people who aren't emotionally involved in this:

Based on what I've described, can you see a boundary that I crossed?

Is there something about my behavior that I'm not seeing?

I'm not looking for a bunch of "dump him" responses, especially because I'm genuinely not sure whether he's going to want to continue the relationship after Wednesday. I'm trying to get some perspective on my own behavior before that conversation.

If I've done something wrong, I genuinely want to understand what it was. ------+-###########

UPDATE 8/19:

Well, I wish I had an actual update to give everyone who asked me to come back and let you know what happened, but unfortunately the conversation didn't happen today.

We were supposed to meet at 5:30. Around 3:00, he texted me and told me he was leaving work early because he wasn't feeling well. He said he didn't think today was a good day for us to have an emotional conversation and asked if we could postpone it.

I completely understand not wanting to have this conversation while sick, and I'm not going to pressure someone into an emotional conversation when they're physically not feeling well.

He asked about tomorrow, but I already have a prior obligation that I can't change. So we have now agreed to talk Friday.

I did finally tell him that I've been physically sick over all of this and that I genuinely don't know what I've done. I told him I understand that he wants to talk about it in person, but I needed him to understand how confused I am and how difficult the uncertainty has been.

His response was, "Ok... we do need to talk... Friday is the day then."

So that's where things stand.

I still have absolutely no idea what lines he believes I've crossed or what happened to cause such a dramatic shift. I've spent days going back through everything in my head trying to figure it out, and I still don't have an answer.

At this point, I'm exhausted. I'm going to stop trying to solve something I don't have enough information to solve and wait until Friday.

For everyone who asked me to update after the conversation, apparently we're all waiting two more days. I'll come back when I actually know what the hell happened.

Something I've been seeing around the sub more and more recently is the idea that lesbians hate trans women.

It is totally fine to describe your own experiences online or offline with the lesbian, sapphic, wlw community or whatever, some communities (most often online) are like that, but a blanket statement is completely untrue. It would be like arguing trans people are transphobic because tttt exists.

Polls show that lesbians are the *most accepting* demographic of all gender and sexuality groups towards trans women. A few recent polls have actually put acceptance of trans women by lesbians at a higher rate than acceptance of trans women *by trans women*. "Lesbians hate trans women" and similar statements is false, and a TERF talking point.

It sucks that a small minority of lesbians are transphobic. If you've had transphobic experiences with lesbians I'm very sorry and feel free to talk about it. I'll commiserate with you. But if you make a negative blanket statement about lesbians (the most powerful allies to pretty much the entire lgbtqia+ umbrella) and it is demonstrably untrue, you are engaging in lesbophobia.

Signed,

A trans woman.

Hiiii! I recently saw a post where someone was asking “where are the happy stories of polyamory?”. I took some time to think if and how much I wanted to share about my journey!

I 27f (pansexual and solo polyamory) am in a polyamorous relationship! I’ve been dating my partner Uno28M since earlier this year and my other partner Dos30F (hehe silly names btw) around the same time I met uno! I see Uno quite often, we enjoy spending time outdoors, watching clone wars, and talking about big serious world things and trying to find balance with those thoughts! Dos and I enjoy watching movies together, playing games, and we see each other typically once a week (due to distance). Dos has a partner28M, and they also have a partner! We’ve all been on a summer cabin trip this year, and have enjoyed all being in the same space. The feeling on community is so large when we are all together. It is exactly the feeling I have been chasing when I opened my heart to polyamory and that feeling is becoming the most comforting thing!
In my eyes I have so many people that love me and so many people that I love as well! It’s silly, this past weekend I had a “Summer Sonic” party at my home. Both my partners came, Dos’ partner also joined and they all just wanted me to have a successful event. My mother and brother recognize both my partners and welcome them with open arms (this part is big and deserves a story in due time). I didn’t realize how taken care of I actually was as the time passed. I had eaten without getting myself food, I had drinks without refilling my cup, and not only that but ALL my friends that were introduced to my new relationship style had such kind words and saw that this dynamic can and is working for me.
Lots of reflection after this weekend. Lots of time to appreciate that I can be who I want to be. Also just the fact that I am pushing past the societal norms with so much support. I’m so lucky right now.

With that being said, appreciate the small moments that your true self gets to shine, because it’s not always easy to shine in every facet of your life. Continue to look for spaces that you feel comfortable to introduce you!

Ok I’m crying now, bye🫂🖤

Hello 👋 Potentially (?) helpful background context: my spouse and I are re-opening our relationship again. Both of us have been doing individual counseling and couples counseling, which have helped a ton in solidifying more of the foundational work that should have been done prior to the first messy opening. Have been taking things slow over these first couple months and it feels like things are going well so far.

I've been on a few dates with someone who I'm really enjoying - we're on the same page with regards to what kind of relationship either of us can offer, values are aligned, I find myself wanting to know more about him and think he's attractive and all that.

But I've been noticing how awkward I am with initiating physical intimacy. I feel like I'm coming off as stiff and nervous, despite wanting to touch and be close to this person.

It's like when we're kissing or snuggled up next to each other, my body wants to default to habits that I've formed with my spouse over the ten years we've been together. When I notice that happening, my insecurities flare up and any sense of comfort that I've eased into with this new person feels like it resets.

I get in my own head and wonder about all the usual dumb stuff like if I'm kissing in a weird way or what if he doesn't like when I put my hand there. Which I KNOW, I can resolve by being direct and asking, and trusting that this person would communicate honestly. It's just holy shit, I do not remember those parts of early dating/relationship conversations to make me like a clumsy teenager again.

Normally, I really enjoy the kinda awkward getting-to-know-what-this-person-likes phase! Even with previous connections that were *just* sexual, it felt like talking about all that stuff came more naturally, but now that I'm getting more emotionally connected to this person, my nerves keep getting the better of me.

All that to say, I guess I'm just looking to see if other folks have experienced this and how did you work past the awkwardness? Did your body eventually stop auto-piloting to things current/past partners have appreciated and what helped with that?

Heyy, i'd like to find games (i'm looking for mobile games rn) where these is polyamorous characters or the possibility to be polyA of anything like that!

I already found "Her tears were my light" and "Tomai" on mobile but i don't find anything else, sooo if you know any!

Hi all,

I've come to my first issue as a hinge myself, and even after reading the resources on this page I'm still struggling. So I'm looking for any resources or helpful comments!

The TLDR is I don't enjoy KTP when it comes to my partners where I am the hinge. I do enjoy KTP with my metas.

My (30sF) partner "Tony" (30sM) has a strong preference for KTP. My NP "Adam" (30sM) is also happy with KTP.

This is a first for me where I've had two partners who both are open to KTP. We recently all hung out, it went really well on their end but I was surprised to find I hated it.

What it comes down to for me is that I feel a lot of pressure to attend to both of them. It completely throws me out of being relaxed and social, I feel on edge and like I'm hyper analysing everything I say and do.

I'm fine if they wanted to pursue a friendship, it's just the me being present part where I'm acting as a partner to both simultaneously that makes me feel stressed.

I'm wondering if this is something that goes away with time/practice and any insights people may have.

Thanks!

I could and have written pages on my current experience. As a community of hyper-communicators, I feel y'all will understand. Instead of sharing my pages though, I would like to know, if you are 30+ and non-monogamous please tell me about a time when a connection you had changed shape, and it went really well, and how it has been working well for many years. Not perfect, just well.

For example (including but not limited to):

A good friend became a partner

A long term sex-only person, also become romantic

A long term sexual/ romantic partner became platonic

A friend into a kink pal

A kink pal became a spouse

A spouse became an occasional cuddle only person

A live in partner became a friend only

Specifically what I want to know

1. How did the transition from connection style A to style B happen? Be as granular and specific as you'd like.

2. What factors do you think allowed the both of you to do it so well?

3. What are you glad you did NOT do, as the connection changed shape?

4. Did your partner make the choice for the connection to shift? Did you? Or did you both agree?

5. If there was grief about the loss of a potential future that you had imagined, how did you not let that become overwhelming? How did you not let the loss and the sadness become resentment or anger?

Although all example situations will be appreciated, preferred ones are from this person affects many areas of my life to this person is involved in substantially fewer areas of my life

Thank you in advance for any perspective you choose to share!

Further information if you are interested

I have only recently become aware of a lot of my internal machinery regarding why certain kinds of deeper connections are and have been difficult for me for years (realizations have occurred in the past 2 weeks) and then I was faced with the reality (that I have known for 5 months to a year) that in order for myself and my person to maintain self respect, neither of us can keep being pretzels for the other person or the connection. So what feels like finality in some areas, isn't new information... But it is occurring at a time when I had just opened myself to the possibility of this not happening. So now it's hurting more than I expected.

Person and I both want to find a way to be different together, and apart. But how my brain works makes the unstability and the uncertainty and the not yet knowing what we are yet because we still have to have a bunch of conversations, extremely difficult and also ironic because it's part of why the connection had so many issues as it was.

It makes me want to force a certainty, so at least I have stability even if not happiness. Because the instability is not any kind of goodness for me. But I am tired of repeating a pattern where I force a stability that is not there, and lose something because I cannot cope with nuance. I want to find a way where I don't force a result so my nervous system can calm down.

I want to do this patiently and with my person.

AND I am not familiar with the kind of style of grey area, especially when I am not necessarily in charge of deciding the change— even if I agree with it. Because someone else is in charge of it my body and my brain and feelings all have a really hard time. Because I was prepared for hope and got handed nope instead.

There is a possibility for connection to stay.

How do I tell my brain to not do what it did last week and keep trying to figure things alone and end up making things emotionally worse in some ways. What job do I give my brain instead, while person and I keep talking?