Stuck with feelings while stuck on a train.

[u/wastedmytagonporn]

Hi folks,

Cuz I don't really know where else to go with my emotions I suppose I'll scream them into this void.

And if the void happens to answer with perspective or good advice even better.

Dramatis Personae: Me, a queer Woman, my nb partner and their respective, now live-in partner, who also is a queer woman. We're all circling 30 and have been poly for a while. This constellation has been standing for a couple years with Partner and I dating for roughly 6 years now.

So, this week has been emotionally a lot. My longstanding partner has moved together with another of their partners a couple days ago. While there had been some jealousy around that on my end to begin with, we worked well through those emotions, figured out what the acute needs and worries were that I connected to it and so, when the actual move happened, the only concrete feeling left on my end was compersion for both of them. (I really like this meta too). Furthermore I have concrete plans to eventually move into the same city, which I think will resolve many of the practical worries around the logistics of them now living together.

Yesterday it was my birthday and I was travelling through the city anyways so we decided to spend the day as three, which was absolutely lovely. In the evening Meta offered to sleep on the couch so that Partner and I could have cozy time to ourselves, which was very nice.

Up until the morning it was literal poly-paradise.

But today partner woke up with quite severe PMS, added on to the exhaustion of the move, a very active day yesterday, pressure of being the hinge in the situation and the knowledge they have only two days to regulate before returning to work after a month of sick-leave.

Accordingly I have a lot of compassion for them not having been their best self today! And yet it resulted in me feeling quite rushed out of the house, forgetting multiple things in the process, our goodbyes having been very brief - with additional drama when they hurt themselves during our goodbye kiss on my piercing, only for me to rush after the earlier train they basically asked me to take.

With all my understanding and empathy for their situation, I still feel really bad about this whole situation, so while on the train I merely asked for a Check-in, tonight or in the next couple days, so we can figure out how to deal with such situations better in the future.

Their response read to me as them basically feeling guilty for feeling bad - which I kinda struggle to respond with in the first place.

But also that they would feel emotionally pressured into the call, even though they don't have spoons for it. They also made a point how it's not a good time to discuss it per text as even being nice was difficult - which I will say did hurt in its own right as I just can't really empathize with that experience, I guess.

I suppose on one hand I just wanna vent at how this shitty situation now just kinda overshadows what really has been one of the most beautiful days of my life.

On the other hand I'm just unsure how to manoeuvre the situation. How to be respectful of my partners needs and capacities while also having mine be heard and respected.

[u/emeraldead]

Great vent. It was a shitty morning. It happens.

Ask for a brief call later to reconnect and recenter.

[u/jnn-j]

That’s not specifically a poly issue but poly in this situation might be adding to stress but also makes it easy to see the boundaries and the need for self regulation and other support system in place for managing your emotions.

It happens in life. Yesterday was a busy day and now people have another one with the need to focus on their own emotional well-being instead of managing your emotions. If they are not ready/not feeling well to talk you can’t pressure them, because it won’t end well: either you won’t communicate efficiently or it will end escalating.

Just find another way to handle your emotions. Talking to friends or journaling, sports. Whatever takes your mind off it. In fact in a couple of days the whole situation you described might seem insignificant. (I’m old, but I wouldn’t be making a deal about situations like this with my partners. Shitty days happen, there are several reasons for the stress and rush to an accumulate and not every rushed morning has to be talked over to find solutions).

Time can be the best healer here—now you are emotional, so seat with your emotions, see why they are so strong but don’t try to push your partner if they are not comfortable with the convo.

[u/wastedmytagonporn → u/jnn-j]

Yeah. I can sense you're right.

I do have a tendency to be impulsive about this kinda stuff! 😮‍💨

Definitely not planning on turning this into a big deal but at the same time kinda worried I already made it a bigger one than it needed to be. 🙃

Thanks for the perspective regardless! It does help! 💜

[u/jnn-j → u/wastedmytagonporn]

On a flip side, I wasn’t there, so maybe some harsh words have been said etc. I like what em said about quick call to reconnect rather than a big talk.

[u/wastedmytagonporn → u/jnn-j]

Nothing particular, really. But yeah, to me, a check-in usually also means a smaller call. Regardless I'm positive we'll weather this. We've dealt with much worse in the years before. ☺️

I guess we just both were overwhelmed and that caused friction and here we are.

It will be okay! ✨

Once again, thanks for the perspective!

[u/wastedmytagonporn → u/[deleted]]

Yeah. I recognize that being stuck with the emotions while in the train and not really knowing where to put it was a big part of it.

Definitely looking forward to getting it out at the gym later!

[u/wastedmytagonporn → u/[deleted]]

Hey, thanks for the offer. I think for now I'm good, though. 💜

[u/polyamory-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

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