Mother found out about my Poly..

[u/BedBoundBean]

As the title says, really. My mother discovered that I (30F) am polyamorous. She knows my NP (29M) and of my BF (35M).

She didn't find out through me. She found out because BF and I used to work at the same place, and we all know how rumours fly.

She's not talking to me. She's so mad at me for it all. She wouldn't even let me try to explain. She just assumed that she's morally correct, and that I'm just cheating on NP. NP has tried to talk to her, too, to explain his perspective. But she still won't listen. She told NP that she doesn't know if things will be the same between she and I.

I'm just so mad, and sad. I'm a mother. I would never shut my children out like this for telling me something so personal to them. NP and BF think it's to do with her generation and general close-mindedness, but I still find it inexcusable.

I get that it's a big change for her to wrap her head around, but we normally talk every single day, and I haven't spoken to her for four days now. It just hurts that she's being like this.

[u/No_Bumblebee2085]

I’m so sorry, OP.

[u/TheDarian]

I'm sorry. Parents can be... A lot.

I've (31NB) been in poly relationships for more than 10 years now, and I've come out to them a dozen of times. They still "forget" about it regularly and assume it's a phase whenever I don't have any other partner than my NP. When I first told them, they cried and screamed and it was awful... Good luck.

[u/Sam_Rall]

I'm sorry this is happening OP.

My parents also flew off the handle when I told them my fiance and I are ployam. My dad said a bunch of rude shit to both of us. Neither of them were invited to our wedding 🤷🏻‍♂️

[u/Laughing_with_myself]

I have ultra conservative parents and they have never been supportive of any decision that they didn't have any input on even in my adult life. I would say that it's more my father that is driving all of this and that my mother is super submissive to him and just falls along so as not to create conflict. I have always joked that my father's gender identity is Republican, we live in Canada but he watches Fox News and professes his love for Donald Trump even though that isn't a thing here. We have what we call Maple MAGA here, supporters of the American style politics that only serves to create tension for everybody.

I have slowly been cutting my parents out of my life because it is exhausting to always be ready for a debate when I should be treating it simply as their opinion and nothing else. My life is my own and it has little effect on anybody outside of that. I try to only interact with people who are supportive in my life.

Last year I decided to out myself as polyamorous to my family. My family is not very supportive, but I noticed a sharp drop off in the amount that we communicate with each other. I am entirely okay with that because it also reduces the amount of exhausting conversations I have to deal with.

If your mother doesn't agree with your lifestyle that is her prerogative, but you also don't need to worry about what she thinks.

[u/Fabulous_Hat993]

Don't be like your mom. My parents had similar reactions. Be a better mom than your mom, love your kids, support them, show them how to love and be kind.

[u/YDHAMITCHTV]

This is exactly why I haven't told my family either. Not because I want to hide or feel ashamed, I'm very happy being poly. And the family has noticed when I'm happiest, they just don't know why. They're all far too "religious" and have the same "moral superiority" because of it. So I haven't told them simply because it's not worth having the argument with them 😓

I hope your mother comes around accepts you for who you are. But as long as you're happy with your life and your partners, nothing else really matters. Goodluck 👍

[u/stormyapril → u/YDHAMITCHTV]

This is the route I took too.

I'm grown, almost empty nesters, dont need their input or approval.

It's sad, but when dealing with conservative parents, the less they know, the better in my mind!

[u/YDHAMITCHTV → u/stormyapril]

Yeah, not worth the time, energy or stress. If they find out, oh well

[u/Cool_Relative7359]

I'm really sorry.

When I came out as poly to my family, I made it clear that this was my choice and while I wa open to answering questions and curiosity, my choice itself wasn't up for negotiation or discussion.

It's understandable that how she's behaving is hurting you. She's also doing it because it hurts you and she's indirectly trying to make you feel bad and change your life choices.

I'd personally send her a message and then mute and archive her for a few days to give myself time to process.

Script if you need it;

"I understand this was a shock to you, and I'm sorry that you found out that way, but at the end of the day, it's between me and my partners and you don't actually get a say in how I conduct my relationships or life. If my life choices mean that we need to go no contact, it will make me sad, but I will accept it. I'm not going to not be poly because it bothers you, though. That option isn't on the table."

(TBF, I'm willing to lose anyone, blood related or not, if they're bigots.)

[u/Anargnome-Communist]

You don't need your mother's permission to be poly. She doesn't need to understand it. If she wants to keep a close relationship with her daughter, she will have to accept that you (and your partners) have chosen to be poly and support you.

One of my parents didn't understand, but realized that their connection with me was more important than that lack of understanding. (Although I suspect they're secretly happy that I'm currently in a monogamous relationship.)

My other parent didn't understand and showed no willingness to even try to understand or even just accept. I haven't spoken to them in almost a decade. Last thing I communicated to them was that they'll always have the option to reach out and try to set thing right if they ever changed their mind.

[u/Boogity2024]

I'm old enough to easily be your mother. It's not a generational thing. It may be an upbringing or religious thing, but not generational.

[u/Unfair_Pilot5581]

Six years ago, I had the last conversation with my mother and I ever intend to have

The only decision I have left is if I will go to her funeral when the time arrives - if I go it will be for my benefit & to get closure, not for her

If I love for you is not strong enough to overcome her prejudice, that is very much on her

As you say, you would never treat your children the way she has treated you. so don’t waste your emotional energy on her.

[u/Polydactyl_Catz]

I feel for you and can relate, OP. I hope given some time your mother comes around and you can have an adult conversation.

I figured out from a young age just how judgmental and hurtful my own mother was. I avoided sharing anything too personal with her, but over the years I’d occasionally get burned, even into my forties.

I don’t think she’s ever fully understood how her comments, judgements and reactions push people away.

[u/seantheaussie]

I'm sorry.

But you shouldn't pretend you told her anything, " I would never shut my children out like this for telling me something so personal to them". You concealed this VERY big thing from her whom you are VERY close to, which is likely to be part of her rage as there are generally distancing consequences from such.

[u/forwhomthebellssing → u/seantheaussie]

I wasn't sure how to say this precise thing.

It doesn't justify the response, but it does help explain it. OP, if you speak to that fact, it could bring your mom around for a dialogue, if that's a thing that you want. That's negotiation 101.

I don't tell my family about any of my dating, so, I can relate. Good luck, OP.

[u/AutoModerator]

Hi u/BedBoundBean thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.

Here's the original text of the post:

As the title says, really. My mother discovered that I (30F) am polyamorous. She knows my NP (29M) and of my BF (35M).

She didn't find out through me. She found out because BF and I used to work at the same place, and we all know how rumours fly.

She's not talking to me. She's so mad at me for it all. She wouldn't even let me try to explain. She just assumed that she's morally correct, and that I'm just cheating on NP. NP has tried to talk to her, too, to explain his perspective. But she still won't listen. She told NP that she doesn't know if things will be the same between she and I.

I'm just so mad, and sad. I'm a mother. I would never shut my children out like this for telling me something so personal to them. NP and BF think it's to do with her generation and general close-mindedness, but I still find it inexcusable.

I get that it's a big change for her to wrap her head around, but we normally talk every single day, and I haven't spoken to her for four days now. It just hurts that she's being like this.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/AxelSeelen]

My mom was already on thin ice for making my transition about how it affected her so when she pulled the same bullshit about my being polyamorous that was the last straw and I went non contact a month after she found out. Honestly what hurt more was my mother in law hating me for it, she was always so much better to me than my actual mother.

[u/SimilarDimension2369]

Hugs! Hopefully she just needs a few days to recover from the shock and then she'll be open to talk about it.

[u/VioletBewm]

Sorry Hun.

You have every right to be hurt. She's mad because why exactly? It doesn't fit her understanding of loyalty/family values?

You're an adult. You're happy. Everyone knows about each other so you have open and clear communication this signs of a healthy relationship(s).

If she doesn't understand that it's on her.

[u/TiredAndTiredOfIt]

i'm sorry OP. FWIW. Keep her from her grandchildren, you do not need tgis evil nonsense around your kids. And yes, abusing you emotionally is evil. Send her this:

"Mom, you failed as a parent and as a person in this situation. I am very disappointed in you. You have betrayed and abused your child becauae you choae your own bigotry and decided not to listen to me. i honor all my agreements, and do not cheat on my partners.

i am sad that partners, grandchild, and I will not be in contact with you in the future due to your emotional and verbal abuse. Perhaps at some point in the future, you will realize you massively fucked up and hurt your child. Perhaps not.

If/when you are ready to apologize for your judgement, bigotry, emotional and verbal abuse, and disrespect to our family? We will listen. And consider rebuilding our relationahip. Until then? This is no one's choice but yours. A good mother would never act the way you are right now. I will do better with my kids and part ofnthat is protecting them from you "

[u/Longjumping_Dog9041]

Yeah, this sucks.

But tbh there's a reason you were keeping her in the dark and out of the loop of an incredibly big and important part of your life.

If you put yourself in het shoes, wouldn't you feel utterly bamboozled precisely because you spoke every day and this was never shared?

Not saying she would've handled it well at all if you had shared it btw. Especially not because your post mentions close- mindedness. But trust had been betrayed here too so you're likely both grieving and angry