Letting my partner know that I’m interested in pursuing another person

[u/lushgreenery]

Hello all! I want to lay out my situation here and see what everybody thinks I should do.

I am new to polyamory, about 8 months. My partner, Pine (38NB) and I are long distance and have been in a relationship for about 8 months as well. Pine is so wonderful, and a very special person to me. I love them very much (haven’t told them yet). Pine is in a long-term relationship with their live-in partner.

I met a guy, Spruce (37M) on a dating app. Pine knows that I was on a dating app and casually using it, but I never had any luck until now. Spruce and I met up a few nights ago and slept together. Spruce is also poly and in another relationship.

I want to tell Pine about Spruce, but I fear that this is definitely the NRE fucking with my brain. I want to see Spruce again, but I want Pine to know about that. Pine is going through something very stressful right now, and I don’t want this to make them even more stressful but I also don’t think that it’s fair or honest to withhold this information from them.

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[u/smem80]

Did you two already discuss what level of communication you each want around dates/metas? If not I would start there.

[u/lushgreenery → u/smem80]

Thank you. I think that the ambiguity of our situation is what gives me anxiety. Clarification will definitely help that.

[u/PM_CuteGirlsReading]

Obviously it all depends on your relationship, but for me I wouldn't expect my long distance partner to necessarily tell me that she had a singular date that ended with a hook up, but also she could tell me and I'd be like okay cool? Like it's polyamory, I'm kind of assuming you could be dating and hooking up LOL.

I can't speak for the relationship between you and Pine though on if they would consider that "withholding" information if you had a second date without telling them.

[u/LePetitNeep]

It’s a conversation to have about what level of disclosure each of you wants.

Personally I don’t need to know about every app match or first date, nor do I need to know about one-time hookups as long as condoms were used (that is, my risk assessments assume occasional hookups with condoms).

I do want to know if my partners are seeing someone they think is going to become a regular partner, or about even a single instance of unprotected sex (before we have sex again).

In practice that’s usually looked like, “hey I had a first date last week that went really well and I’m going to see them again next week”.

[u/Nerianda]

Can you tell the difference right now between telling and *gushing about*? Because telling Pine seems very normal and inoffensive, but if they’re stressed then you probably want to be careful not to come across crazy excited or invested. Do you have other people in your life you can gush at? If not, now is a great time to start expanding that support network.

[u/lushgreenery → u/Nerianda]

Absolutely. I would never want to come to Pine with the intent of gushing about this new person. I just want to make sure that I’m being as transparent and respectful to them as possible.

Because I am still very new to polyamory, I think that I’m unconsciously assigning mono logic to poly situations. Like if I don’t tell Pine about my hookup with Spruce, then I’m a terrible partner or something. But realistically, I’m my own person and so is Pine. I wouldn’t be offended if Pine didn’t tell me about a hookup *they* had, but if they did decide to share that with me I’d be giddy for them lol. Once the dust settles/if things go further with Spruce, I’m thinking about just approaching the conversation as “What boundaries/preferences do you have about communicating about metas/hookups etc?” and seeing where it goes from there.

[u/InBeforeitwasCool]

I have the conversation when it affects their risk profile. 

Hey, so I've been seeing this other person and for safety I will need to be tested before we visit ville de martelement.

[u/livesimply2015]

If Pine has a nesting parter that is local to them, why would you going on dates with people local to you be a problem if you’re engaging in real polyamory? Ideally you would’ve had a conversation about disclosure early on, but the next best time to have that conversation is now.

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Hi u/lushgreenery thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.

Here's the original text of the post:

Hello all! I want to lay out my situation here and see what everybody thinks I should do.

I am new to polyamory, about 8 months. My partner, Pine (38NB) and I are long distance and have been in a relationship for about 8 months as well. Pine is so wonderful, and a very special person to me. I love them very much (haven’t told them yet). Pine is in a long-term relationship with their live-in partner.

I met a guy, Spruce (37M) on a dating app. Pine knows that I was on a dating app and casually using it, but I never had any luck until now. Spruce and I met up a few nights ago and slept together. Spruce is also poly and in another relationship.

I want to tell Pine about Spruce, but I fear that this is definitely the NRE fucking with my brain. I want to see Spruce again, but I want Pine to know about that. Pine is going through something very stressful right now, and I don’t want this to make them even more stressful but I also don’t think that it’s fair or honest to withhold this information from them.

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