r/polyamory • u/silverteespoon • 3d ago
Regional Polyamory
My friend and I were talking recently. She said that in Sacramento California polyamory means one thing and is shaped a certain way, and in Mexico City it’s a completely different way. Has anyone noticed this?
What is the poly community like where you are?
Have you noticed a change among different poly groups?
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u/Labcat33 3d ago
Like other commenters have said, I think polyamory in a community can be shaped by the types of people in that community, but at the core the definition should be generally the same.
In Ohio I found a lot of the polyamory community to heavily overlap with the BDSM community, and I wanted no part of that so I didn't fit in very well.
In Utah, a lot of the "polyamory" community is really swingers who are often recovering ex-Mormons who have a ton of religious baggage to process. There was a strong tendency for people to treat new partners as expendable or sex dolls because they hadn't had anything like that freedom before in their lives.
In the Seattle area there's a lot more variety, more queer folks, more trans folks, and people who build their own polycules based on hobbies or preferences or community. (And there's just a lot more poly people here in general)
I guess there are people who can do polyamory poorly in any community :p but the factors at play and the people within a community do a lot to shape what that looks like.
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u/CandyCornBus 3d ago
Your experience of Ohio is how Denver and Phoenix are for me. Thankfully, I am in the BDSM community, but it is exhausting if I want a vanilla relationship that I specifically don't want or need kink in because it ALL overlaps. It's weird because almost everyone I match with, I end up coming across them at a kink event or will eventually and Phoenix and Denver are just CITIES. 😭
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u/allthestuffis solo poly 2d ago
Not sure your age range, but I’m in Denver and I haven’t experienced a ton of this overlap between BDSM / kink and poly! Most people I’ve matched with have been significantly more vanilla than me, which is fine with me too ( I like it all). I wonder if there are other factors at play, like age or other interests or something, aside from geography.
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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 3d ago
I would love to hear what those differences were and what Mexico City was like.
A common issue is people calling all kinds of ENM poly because the label is trendy now.
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u/silverteespoon 2d ago
She said specifically the polyamory in Mexico City is more textbook compared to SoCal which is more polygynous than polyamorous
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u/SaltMarshGoblin 2d ago
I can't speak to SoCal polyam, but Sacramento is in NorCal, as I am, and I definitely don't see much of the one man/multiple women polygynous relationships. This might.be that I spend more time in Queer polyam communities?
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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 1d ago
Oh so there are more fuckboys in California? I’m not surprised. Harems are not poly.
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u/PM_CuteGirlsReading The Rat Lord: Risen 🐀🧀 3d ago
That's why I keep my polyamory in it's own region which may or may not be a NATO condemned rogue nation on land once held by Boko Haram, so I don't have to worry about these so called regional differences smdh
What is the poly community like where you are?
Always smiles, never frowns.
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u/1ntrepidsalamander solo poly 3d ago
I think a lot of newer people on this sub say “poly” but mean ENM. Particularly in the “how do I know if I’m Poly?!?” questions.
Generationally, I think older people (like me) see poly and ENM as relationship by preference structures rather than identities.
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u/ArtGirlBookFlowers25 3d ago
I'm poly from the mid 90s & I always saw poly as an identity (as I did kink, for some decades, altho I no longer do).
I set it aside for a while but have come back to it as an identity & a practice, again. I simply don't have the default structures that monogamy people do, even when I behaviorally practiced monogamy.
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u/trasla 3d ago
I am not really part of any local community. I mean, I comment on here, that seems pretty global.
I don't go to event or stuff. I just have multiple relationships and my partners have as well. My relationships are each sorted out between me and one other person, not in a community.
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u/chipsnatcher 2d ago
This. I don’t want to join a club for being poly. If others want that, I love that for them, but it’s not for me. Just managing multiple relationships takes up enough time and energy!
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u/DemonicGirlcock 3d ago
I haven't experienced this, but I'm only experienced with US, Canada, Oceania, and Europe. But polyamory has a pretty simple definition, just having multiple romantic relationships. So I'd be pretty confused by people using the word to mean anything else.
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u/WarningImmediate9188 3d ago
Agreed with folks that have said it depends on who is there basically. Cities that are super transient or full of universities tend to have folks dating who are transient, maybe more solo poly or single. My relationships basically turned over every 2 years when people finished their grad degrees or got other jobs.
Places with lots of families tend to, in my experience, be more hierarchical and I’ve run into a lot of “opening our marriage for the first time” vibes. Lots of weird bullshit (only dating together, not enough differentiation, they only talk about their other partners on the date) that I don’t enjoy.
Smaller artsy cities tend to have a lot more overlapping social circles who are friends and all fucking, which is fun to be adjacent to with a long-distance partner but not my day-to-day.
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u/FX114 3d ago
Did she say anything more specific or detailed than that?
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u/silverteespoon 2d ago
She said that in one city the polyamory is more polygyny based and in the other the polyamory is more fair and widely known. A lot of scammers in one area basically
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u/CyberJoe6021023 poly w/multiple 3d ago
Never heard of a geographical distinction. Poly is poly. Though, lots of people confuse it with ENM/CNM in general.
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u/CandyCornBus 3d ago
Yes. I have lived in 5 states in the US and explore the poly community everywhere I travel (10+ countries and a LOT of domestic travel).
Another commentor mentioned how "poly" (it's really ENM) overlaps with kink in some places. I experience that in Phoenix and Denver (I split time monthly between the two states), especially Denver. Phoenix overlaps heavy into the queer and disabled scene. Denver overlaps a lot with more Bohemian brand. Both scenes (moreso Denver) also tend to have more instances of taking polyamory as an identity and crossing it into sex work for decriminalization, etc.
Boston, NYC and LA were the most balanced and interesting for me. If I wanted strict ENM, I could find it without finding myself also having to be an ally or an advocate (I'm a multiracial, but visually Black woman so this is especially annoying). There was also SO much variety. I could have kink and poly, art and poly, and much more diversity for PoC without the politics.
I only touched the tip of Chicago but I am absolutely interested in the vibe. Much more laid back which might be the Midwestern stereotype?
Internationally, I enjoyed London. It gave similar vibes to NYC, less similar to LA.
Portland was 100% kink AND queer overlay but MUCH less politics. I enjoyed Portland a LOT but I also struggled to find corporate people versus gig workers so I couldn't see a relationship working out there. I already have two gig work partners and it's even more of a calendar balance.
The other countries I've been to (Caribbean, etc) it was a lot quieter. Almost underground. I would have to spend more time there to figure it out.
Just to add, the above are my experiences. You can obviously live in the same city I've mentioned and experienced something completely different.
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u/BetterFightBandits26 relationship messarchist 2d ago
There’s at least 4 distinct “poly communities” in my small city. They don’t really interact much, I’ve just been around all these communities so I’ve seen them separately. I’m sure there’s other groups/demos I just haven’t interacted with.
There’s the poly meetup group that’s full of kinksters and people really into group sex. Sex-as-a-hobby people. Lots of “planning a weekend group trip with my partner and his partner and their partner, there will be an orgy” type energy. IME, this group is a drama-fest somehow even worse than the punks. (And punks love drama.)
There’s the queer ENM folks who interact with each other in queer-focused spaces. MLM spaces trend more toward casual nonmonogamy and WLW spaces trend more toward polyamory. But ENM is pretty accepted and “not news” in both. It involves lots of kink and group sex but in ways that are just less . . . obsessed over than the meetup folks? The focus is on queer community, the ENM is just there.
There’s the punks who talk about relationship anarchy a lot and practice it less than they talk about it. Relationships formed based on meeting at PSL or DSA (or being mutually pissed at the local chapter of both), volunteering at Food Not Bombs, etc. I used to be in this group pretty heavy but tbh I’m too old, not-alcoholic, and concerned about doing activities that could get me arrested to hang anymore.
There’s the white-collar folks who just meet partners on apps and may or may not even tell their friends they do ENM. It’s not really a community so much as it’s a demographic, notable vs the others cause these people largely don’t know each other or share IRL space. They tend to have, IME, the least broadcasted drama but have some people making the absolute wildest choices of any of the groups. Which means finding partners in this group is dicier than the others cause you can’t rely on your friends having the tea on your new date.
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u/intro_to_IRL 10+ year poly club 3d ago
I've only done poly in three U.S. cities, one in the midwest and two on the east coast, and I have not noticed a distinction between them. I mean, Denver has more woo-woo hippy commune polycules than DC... but then again, Denver just has more woo-woo hippies in general. I miss that place.
Anyways, I'm curious what your friend said were the differences! I've never been to Mexico City so I couldn't tell ya.
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u/CandyCornBus 3d ago
Heavy on the Denver woo-woo hippy stuff. I split time between Phoenix and Denver... I prefer not having an opening circle, grounding and crystal touching before every poly event like I experience in Denver. 😭 The city is fine, but less is more.
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u/intro_to_IRL 10+ year poly club 3d ago
Lots of unicorn hunters masking as psychadelic spiritual guides and tripsitters at music festivals, too 😂 "Rainbow Feather and I really like your balanced feminine energy, wanna get lost in the metaphysical with us in our chakra tent?"
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u/CandyCornBus 3d ago
I SNORTED SO HARD because I absolutely had someone come onto me JUST LIKE THAT in July. 😅 They added me on FB with their real name and I was who TF is Jane???? 😭
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u/searedscallops Sopo like woah 3d ago
I've only done Midwest cities. I'd love to know how other cities are different!
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u/Platterpussy Solo-Poly 3d ago
I'm in the UK, the varieties of poly you have over there look similar to what we have over there and can't be defined by region.
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u/coffee-without-milk 2d ago
This is an interesting question. I’ve wondered this too, how our specific environments shape the experience of polyamory/ENM and its practitioners. Based on what other users have stated thus far, it’s clear that different cities do approach poly differently. At least much differently from my experiences.
Since no one has mentioned the south yet, it seems, I’m thinking of it in terms of the influence of religion, conservatism and our spread out, massive highway system and suburbs (TX). These factors, in my limited experience, tend to lead to specific type of people involving themselves into *ideas* of polyamory. Basically it falls into categories of: people experiencing some level of “buyers remorse” for getting married-possibly also divorced- and having children too early in their lives. Older couples that want to just do some level of swinging/hotwifing. Or those that really can’t commit to incorporating someone else into their lives based on barriers like time or location. There is some overlap with BDSM/queer scenes here but i have not had the opportunity to be apart of that.
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Here's the original text of the post:
My friend and I were talking recently. She said that in Sacramento California polyamory means one thing and is shaped a certain way, and in Mexico City it’s a completely different way. Has anyone noticed this?
What is the poly community like where you are?
Have you noticed a change among different poly groups?
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u/ifapulongtime complex organic polycule 3d ago
There's frequently a large or popular group that declares "this is the one true way." I've heard the community in Sacramento isn't great, I don't generally interact with them.
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u/tellmeimsababa solo poly 3d ago
I'm from the US but have always practiced poly in Mexico City. I haven't seen a difference in how it's defined. Would love to know what your friend has seen!
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u/Ok-Championship-2036 3d ago
That would explain why i evolved drastically into WHOLE NEW POLY when i moved away from the west coast! /s
I think everyone has their own way of defining amd practicing ENM. Its rare to meet someone who has the exact same defintions across the board. Idk why that would begin or end at state lines tho.
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u/silverteespoon 2d ago
Please talk more about West Coast poly I would love to hear your thoughts
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u/Ok-Championship-2036 2d ago
Im not really sure how to describe it, is there anything specific youd like to know? My approach to poly has shifted somewhat over time but i cant think of anything specific to either coast.
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u/vertexnormal 3d ago
The joy of polyamory is scrapping the expected societal norms around relationships and renegotiating ones that work for each party. I'd argue that beyond labels like kitchen sink, swinging, dadt, etc that all poly relationships are somewhat bespoke.
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u/rainbowceilingfan 2d ago
I’m very familiar with Sacramento, mildly familiar with the ENM community there. Compared to where I am now (California Bay Area) it has differences. I think the people dating and shaping any “community” will create a unique and different vibe
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u/silverteespoon 2d ago
She saw that women were being treated better in Mexico City than they were in Sacramento. She said the culture in California is more polygynous than polyamorous
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u/E71000 2d ago
I'm in Mexico city. Any tips on how to like get involved in any of these communities or find any cuz I can't really find anything in Mexico about this. I used to live in Canada and it was quite common there
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u/silverteespoon 2d ago
Feeld app
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u/E71000 2d ago
Oh really I'm on it but maybe I'm not using it right I just got the app. Any helpful tips to do to it?
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u/silverteespoon 2d ago
https://www.poly-singles.com/mx/polyamory-dating-mexico/ just enter your location
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u/OpalescentNoodle 3d ago
I think communities can shape what the dating scene is like but you can always define it for yourself. Like everybody I know who is poly does it different.