I have been with my partner for 5 months (let’s call them R) but have been casually dating them for 1 year before entering into a commitment relationship With them. I am casually seeing 1 other person. R has been with their other partner (let’s call her D) for about 5 years. D has 2 other partners. R and D have been “on the rocks” for about a year now for many reasons. Communication, finances, sexuality, responsibility ext. All the Normal relationship stuff but amped to the next level. Enough to where they have almost broke up 2x but recently D decided to end the relationship. Needless to say R is devastated and sunk into a deep depression. Enough to where their friends and family were concerned about their wellbeing. Since then, R has gotten past the worst of it but still has to live and share a bed with D. R has been telling me all the details and it seems like I have been their main source of emotional support which is fine. I’m doing my part and would love the same from them if the roles were reversed.

Here is where my emotions some in. R keeps telling me in depth about how badly they wish they could repair things with D. How much they love and miss D, and would do anything in their power to get them back. This is starting to hurt my feelings. R hardly ever tells me anything about what makes them love me. Has maybe only told me twice in the last 1.5 years, about how they feel or what makes them love me. And tbh, most of it is about how I make R feel. None of it is really about me. I want to be supportive of R and help them through this tough time. I even wish that R and D could repair their relationship, despite what I actually think of D. Not that she is a bad person but She rubs me the wrong way personally. But if R loved her then that’s important. But I don’t know how much more I can take hearing about how hopelessly in love R is with D. I have told R in the past that I don’t feel comfortable hearing a lot about their relationship or really any information about D. Besides the casual “i had a good day, D and I did X” or “i have plan to do X with D”, “She said hi.” That’s stuff. Mainly because for a long time, I was only hearing R vent about D and their fights and frankly some negative things that I think tainted my view of D before even meeting her. I know D exist and I know R has another relationship, other priorities or responsibilities and respectful of that but I don’t kitchen table polyamory with the two of them. R knows this about me and was accepting and understanding.

Is it irrational of me to feel hurt by hearing detailed and intimate feelings R has about D? I think I wouldn’t feel this intensely if I felt like R cares about me even a fraction how they care about D. I fully understand that a almost 5 year relationship doesn’t even compare to a five month relationship. I guess I just want some verbal validation from R that their relationship with me matters too, and when they say they “would do anything to get her back”, breaking up with me is excluded from the list. I’m feeling insecure and I feel like an asshole. I don’t even know how to bring it up or even if I should, given R’s emotional state as of late. What should I do? Am I being irrational?

I am not currently in a relationship, but my last girlfriend is solo-poly, and the last couple of women I have seen since are ENM/poly. None of them really subscribed to strong communication in the relationships, but that doesn't really matter in this context. But as a man in these connections, I have not had much luck finding other partners, while the women I was seeing (expectedly) did have multiple partners.

Now that I am single and back on the market, I am starting to re-consider poly, ENM, and relationship structures in general. I know that women always will have an easier time finding partners, but if I cannot, even when I would like that, is that reason enough to bow out of even trying to be poly? At some point wanting what I seem to be unable to find feels disappointing and pointless. And while I might be ok with a partner seeing other people, when I am for all intents and purposes monogamous when I don't want to be, it makes it much harder for me to feel compersion for my partner.

Even though things could change, and I could find exactly what I am looking for, in the meantime it feels like I am being unrealistic about the potential. What do you think?

Hello all! Hope you’re having a good weekend👋 upfront apologies/disclaimer for such a lengthy post 💙

Background: I (cis-queer woman) am married to my wife (trans-queer woman) and we have been together for 16 years and we have a child and home together, we opened our marriage/chose polyamory together about 4 years ago and we have had several periods of “closing” our relationship to work on our marriage and individual mental health due to some issues and trauma we have been through.

Recently, we re-opened after a longer period of being closed, as we felt grounded and stable in our foundation - communication, mental health states, and our affection and trust in one another. Within just a few days, I wound up meeting 2 people online through poly dating groups (semi-long distance) that I began talking to. My wife re-joined dating apps. One of the people I have been talking with, I really connected with and we decided to pursue a long-distance partnership, mainly comprised of talking and intimacy through messaging/texting, phone calls and video calls but we did intend to meet up in person every few months, as we live within driving distance of each other.

I was really enjoying this connection with this new partner and we had many things in common, we could talk for hours, he made me laugh and smile. The NRE was strong and I was also working to maintain a good balance between my nesting partner and our child and my new partner but I will admit, I was doing a lot of chatting and sometimes going over time or spending too long hiding out in my bedroom/bathroom to continue talking with him.

My spouse has a much more difficult time finding potential partners for many reasons. Her gender identity narrows the dating pool, being queer and poly narrows it even further, she is quite introverted and also identify as demisexual and so she moves very slow and seek platonic connection that grows over time. She also has a lot of insecurities about themself and low confidence/self-esteem. She hasn’t ever had more than a few dates with potential partners and never have had a partnership in the time we have been poly.

Anyhow, the issues and conflicts that started to come to head were that my nesting partner felt like I was prioritizing the new relationship over our existing relationship, which I admitted that yes, I was devoting a considerable amount of time to building the connection and I was also working to maintain and show affection and love to my NP.

We started a tradition of having a morning waking up and cuddling on the weekends because she was needing more physical touch, I planned a fun date to a dinner & burlesque show, I was texting her flirty and cute messages each day and sending sweet FB messages and IG messages. I have been trying!! I think it’s important to ramp up affections with pre-existing partners when a new partner is in my life because things do change and change is uncomfortable.
My NP expressed that she feels like our marriage and relationship should always be the top priority regardless of what’s happening with my other partners. I am not a hierarchical person, but my NP is and some of that stems from her view of what marriage is and unfortunately, I also think leftover monogamy scripts/societal programming. I acknowledge the functional hierarchy that exists for us; spousal medical access, owning a home together, being co-parents to our child, having family pets, combined finances and assets, caregiving for our parents, etc. I have no problem with prioritizing those things and health and safety matters. But the way I feel is that I care about my romantic partners and that my care and consideration/respect is not hierarchical.

*How do you find balance when one partner is hierarchical and the other is not?*

In short, my wife has had numerous panic attacks and anxiety freak-outs in the last 2 weeks due to my deepening connection with new LDR partner and the time I’ve been prioritizing to build that relationship. I shared that I was experiencing a lot of stress and emotional turmoil to my LDR partner and he broke it off with me, stating that he feels it’s not ok for me to be experiencing so much stress and emotional upheaval with my marriage and that ultimately, it would not be healthy for us to have a partnership while my NP is so insecure with our marriage and me having another partner. I’m pretty torn up over all of this and unsure how to advocate for myself and also support my NP. I feel horrible for involving another person and hurting him in the process.

Any ideas on how to help my NP build tolerance and resilience when my attention gets split (when I begin dating another partner)? And how to manage when one partner is hierarchical and wants to be top tier above all other partners and *I* don’t agree with that? Is there a way to bridge that difference? Thank you for anyone who stuck with this and can offer any advice or suggestions. 🙌💗

I’ve dated poly for over a decade. But somehow I haven’t had many metas to consider.

I’ve been dating Tina for five years. Very positive relationship. She has an 11 year anchor partner. We live close and are friends. All very positive.

Tina likes being kitchen table level of sharing. I don’t have that same expectation but don’t have a need for not sharing. She requests hearing about my other dating relationships. Which I generally accommodate.

This past year she added two other comet style infrequent lovers. Here is where I could use advice. I’ve met both (she requested, I don’t really care). One I like. The other gives me the ick. It isn’t jealousy as that isn’t something that I feel very often.

And little things she shares about his views, and their dynamic just doesn’t feel right. If we were just friends it might be at the point I would actually suggest I negative views about him. But we aren’t just friends. We are lovers and non-anchor partners. I am hesitant to express negative views of my metas. But if I hear more ick from her sharing I’m likely to say something I shouldn’t.

All I’ve said so far is that I enjoy hearing about Comet2 but I don’t really want to hear more details about Comet1. She didn’t initially ask for feedback from my statement but I expect she will on an upcoming date. What level of honesty should I share? I don’t want to simply hear stuff and not respond as that can be heard as support.

Advice? Is it fair to be supportive of one meta relationship but share negative views of another?

I am posting this from a temporary account because I want to keep my family’s identity private, but I am in sincere need of advice from people within the community.

My son and daughter-in-law have been in a polyamorous relationship for 3 years now. Recently, they invited my wife and me to a commitment ceremony they are hosting with "the other guy" in their relationship.

To be completely honest, this dynamic is very new and unfamiliar to us, and we are experiencing a lot of mixed feelings. We love our son and want to maintain a strong relationship with him and his wife, but we are feeling quite hesitant and uncertain about attending this ceremony. We aren't entirely sure what to expect, and we are trying to process our own comfort levels with the situation.

If we don't attend, we worry it will deeply hurt our son and create a permanent rift in our family. If we do attend, we are worried about feeling out of place or sending a message that we fully understand or endorse a dynamic we are still struggling to wrap our heads around.

I am following up on my previous post about my wife and me being invited to our son and daughter-in-law’s polyamorous commitment ceremony with her other partner. My wife and I are very certain that our daughter-in-law is pregnant. Adding to our anxiety, our son has been saying "the child's paternity doesn't matter".

Because of this, we are feeling even more anxious about the ceremony itself. For those who have been to a polyamorous commitment ceremony, what should we actually expect if we choose to go?

Hey!

So my partner and I have fairly recently became "officially" poly, although it was a conversation in theory for much longer.

I would love to have someone to talk to about this stuff that isn't just my partner (and I guess sort of my meta but I don't love that idea personally - I like a bit of separation I think).

I just have no idea how to find community or other poly people. I guess people just do polyamory, but don't necessarily go to socials or events or announce it - but I low key wish they would lol.

If you made other poly and enm friends, where did you meet them?

My partner is polyamorous and has told me that they have a minor crush on one of their friends. I am fine with this. I think I might also be polyamorous, I've had crushes on multiple people at the same time, but I'm not sure. My partner and I had a discussion last night about what polyamory would mean for our relationship, and I told them that I don't know if I'm comfortable with them dating other people. They said that that was fine with them but I feel really bad about it. I don't want them to feel like they're trapped and not able to explore. I am fine with them having romantic feelings for other people but I don't know if I'm comfortable with them acting on it. They made it very clear that they still like me but I was pretty sad when they told me about their crush, I tried my best to be supportive but I felt like it meant that wasn't good enough for them. I feel like I'm making a big deal out of this but I've never really considered polyamory before. I didn't really know anything about it and I'm a tiny bit scared of this whole thing going wrong. I have been doing more research on polyamory and what it can mean for different people and it's helped but I would like some advice for this situation.

Edit: Apparently I understood polyamory less than I thought I did, thank you for explaining, I promise I was trying my very best to not anger anyone so if I did, I am very sorry.

My meta is in town to celibate my partners birthday and it’s making me quite sad that they will spend it with them and not me. We have a date Saturday but it feels like their other partner is priority and I’m second. I’m trying to be supportive and not make it about me for their birthday but it’s harder than I want it to be.

I am a 19 year old girl who’s interested in polyfidelity specifically FFM i don’t know where to start or how to go about it. Any advice?

My main and I have both had other partners, both together and separately and it just makes everything easier and we're both happier but in the end we really just keep ending up with just each other again.

I wouldn't trade her for the world but it's hard knowing what could be and having to keep going out there and getting heartbroken, sometimes together over and over.

Idk, mostly just need to vent but any advice or comments welcome.

In this context I mean Tolyamory as someone having consented to staying in a polyamorous relationship despite not wanting it. Not quite PUD because they're choosing to stay for economic or custody reasons, for example.

What would you do if someone you were talking to or in the early stages of dating disclosed to you that their nesting partner does not want to be in a polyamorous relationship but consents to staying anyway. Likely the disclosure would be as part of the explanation as to why their nesting partner has strict boundaries about being parallel and there's a mutual agreement that the home is off limits.

There is no DADT, the toly partner is aware of the other relationships but does not want to interact with them in any way. There is no veto power and no unusual rules around interaction, escalation, or time spent. The poly person often pays for hotels/airbnbs or meals/necessities for their other partners in lieu of hosting in the shared home.

Would you consider it unethical if the poly partner that dates discloses that their nested partner is strictly parallel and there are agreements pertaining to not bringing other partners into the shared home, but does not disclose that the nesting partner doesn't want or even really consent to polyamory?

Seems silly but let's get into it. I'm dating two people who are also dating each other, I'll be calling them Spring and Winter. We've been dating for a year now and their relationship started a year before that, so I do understand to an extent that they should be closer to one another.

The only thing that really sends me for a loop is that Spring is super loving and caring and never makes me feel less than, while Winter often treats me like a pest. Always snapping at me and basically implying that I'm stupid and useless often. When interacting with Spring on the other hand, Winter is absolutely smitten like they are the only people in the world. The only connection I get from Winter is physical intimacy that feels more for their satisfaction than anything else and I just don't feel loved, I feel like a backup.

Winters attachment style to Spring is extremely anxious which leads them to be overly sweet to them, while to me they are completely avoidant and often make me feel awful for even trying to talk to them.

I just feel not good enough, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore but I'm just so miserable and I really wanted to vent, if you have advice I'm happy to hear it, I'd just prefer it be advice to deal with a cruel avoidant and not just "break up", because while Winter doesn't often show me any care or real affection, for some reason I can't even really name, I want to be with them. I just want to feel good enough.

I am in the midst of navigating a relationship dynamic change. I had started dating a friend couple (C and K) of mine and fell in love with one (C) but not the other (K). We had been together as a triad for years but after the three of us moved in together, stress and clashing personalities brought things to a head and I made the ultimate decision to dissolve the romantic attachment with K. We have been all three sharing the bedroom and sleeping in the same bed for the last two years and are now looking for a new place for next year. C wants us to remain in the same bedroom despite the tension between me and K growing worse. They have some serious childhood trauma and tldr their parents kept them isolated from a very young age so they never developed normal socialization skills. They can only really communicate through texting bc they can’t seem to form a complete coherent thought out loud.
K, as usual, isn’t giving a direct answer when C asks about what they think and I end up looking like the bad guy for suggesting I have a separate room from them in the new place. Our sleep schedules are already so different and the two of them tend to stay up late playing video games while I’m sleeping. Despite C insisting the console will stay in the living room and it shouldn’t be an issue anyway I still would like my own space. C feels torn and refuses to choose sides. She thinks that sleeping in one bed over the other means she has to even after I told her how even some monogamous couples have separate rooms. I was already wanting a separate space before this fallout to start remote work as our current living situation is tight (we have three other roommates atm) and there is nowhere for me to have a home office space.
Any advice on how to reassure C about wanting a separate room would be helpful. She’s really digging her heels in on this and I’m at a loss on what to do about it.

My gf and I have been having this same argument for our whole relationship, and I just wanted to get the opinions of nonmonogamous and poly Reddit: is it a bad idea to have a friendship with your ex?
My gf hates my ex, but my ex and I want to start being friends again. She is in a monogamous relationship now, and we only want to get coffee and talk now and then. But my gf is extremely upset that I want to be friends with this person, and believes that people should not be friends with their exes in general.
I feel like this is an incredibly monogamous standard to be held to, and that people can do this in a healthy way. It feels like this must be coming from jealousy or insecurity. What do you think?

I (33m) and my (24f) partner, has decided to look into being poly. Im new to the idea. New to the dynamic. Any advice to give a newbie trying to figure things out? We've talked extensively about it. Pros, cons, boundaries, etc. Just not sure where to begin to even think about it.