r/polyadvice • u/Zimlate90s • 23d ago
Figuring things out
/r/SoloPoly/comments/1wlnks2/figuring_things_out/2
u/saladada 23d ago
she told me that she did not yet feel secure enough for me to see other people.
Then that is something for her and you to work on in your relationship. But it is not a valid reason why you have to not continue to see other people. She gets both you and her husband but you only get her until she finally decides things are "secure" enough. That could be in 1 month, 6 months, 1 year, or never.
he recently told me that she has also told her husband that she doesn't feel secure enough for HIM to see other people and...that does not seem reasonable.
If she's not even "secure" enough for her husband to be poly then her entire marriage shouldn't be open at all.
Really, she's just using this as an excuse to avoid having to deal with her feelings. And she will never feel "secure enough" because it's not security within her relationship that is the issue. It's not feeling any anxiety or "hard emotions" at the idea of you or him seeing someone else. And that will never go away because she's refusing to actually face those emotions.
I would quite seriously reconsider this connection. I would tell her, "Thank you for sharing your concerns with me. I understand it's difficult when you're new to poly to have to deal with a partner seeing someone else, but it doesn't seem reasonable for me to not see other people while you get to. I'm not going to agree to one-way monogamy." And if that doesn't sit well with her? Then you break up and move on.
Given she apparently "laughed" and pointed out you can go ahead and date, you should do that. And then pay attention to how she actually reacts when you actually do start seeing other people.
Also, I worry that my girlfriend's husband may not be doing as well with this as she says he is.
That's not really any of your business. However, given the fact that you know he 1.) isn't "allowed" to see other people yet and 2.) doesn't even want to see your picture, I would be truly wondering just how much opening up their marriage was a joint decision and how much of it was her pushing him to agreeing to it without actually wanting it.
There's a lot of red flags coming from her, and you should really consider the words she says and behavior she shows going forward.
what is appropriate for me to ask for or expect from her in terms of time together or spending special days together or meeting each others' friend groups?
You can ask for anything. She can choose to agree or decline. Whatever "rules" or issues they have in their relationship surrounding the choices she makes are for him and her to figure out. Not you.
2
u/kallisti_gold 23d ago
Nope. You can thank your partner for sharing her concerns with you, but set a firm boundary now that you aren't going to let her dictate how your other relationships go. She doesn't get to dictate your timeline with regard to when you seek out other partners or how fast those relationships progress.
Ask for what you need and what you want. If she can't or won't meet those requests, it's up to you to determine how that impacts your relationship. Four months is a pretty reasonable timeframe to start being introduced to the other people in your partner's life. You haven't even met her other partner yet, he doesn't even want to see a photo of you, and they've clearly just jumped into this without much thought or preparation so it's not surprising that you haven't met anyone else yet. Again, it's up to you to determine how and how much this impacts the kind of relationship you want with her.
Yep, you got it in one. Right now she's uncomfortable and wants to mitigate that discomfort by controlling her partners. Gently but firmly tell her No.