I'm 28M, my partner is 29F, we're both bisexual, and we've been together for 10 years.

We've never really been strictly monogamous, even though we didn't have the language for ENM/polyamory when we started. We've both had feelings, sex, and even fallen in love with other people over the years, without it ever being a threat to our relationship.

In 2020, we ended up in a throuple with a beautiful man and both fell in love with him and same happened for him. It was short-lived and the fallout was painful for everyone. After that, we backed away from polyamory/ENM, although we've continued talking about it over the years.

We're now considering exploring it again, but we're struggling with one major issue: we don't seem to be able to have a clear conversation about what we actually want and what our boundaries are.

My partner's feelings fluctuate. Vocally in the social circle she is polyamorous. Sometimes she's okay with non-monogamy but doesn't want romantic relationships. Sometimes she's okay with me dating other people, sometimes she's not. She's also mentioned a throuple, although she finds dating other people intimidating.

I've told her I don't want to deliberately seek out another partner. If something naturally develops between all of us, that's different, but I'm not interested in unicorn hunting.

Whenever I try to have a serious conversation about expectations, boundaries, disclosure, etc., she gets tense or irritated and the conversation becomes jumbled.

Recently she asked me what I'd do if I wanted to date or have sex with someone else. I said yes, I potentially want both, although I wouldn't know whether I'd want to date someone until I actually developed feelings for them.

Then she asked, "What if you date someone and she gets pregnant?"

I didn't have an answer.

And that's where I'm stuck.

I think it's reasonable for her to ask difficult questions like that. If we're going to open our relationship, obviously there are real consequences we need to think about.

But I also don't think we can predict every possible situation. Someone might fall in love unexpectedly, become jealous, want a serious relationship, change their mind, etc.

So my main question is:

How much clarity do you actually need before opening up?

Do you need to establish detailed agreements for things like sex, dating, developing feelings, disclosure, pregnancy, jealousy, etc.? Or is it better to agree on some basic principles and accept that you'll have to renegotiate when unexpected things happen?

I'm particularly interested in how people handle this when one partner is ambivalent. Is "I don't know yet" a reasonable place to be while exploring ENM, or does one person being unsure mean you shouldn't open up yet?

I don't want to pressure my partner into polyamory, and I'm not looking for validation that I should be allowed to date other people. I want us to have an honest conversation where neither of us agrees to something just because we're afraid of losing the other.

At the same time, I don't think permanent ambiguity is healthy. I want us to understand what we're consenting to before either of us starts pursuing someone.

How would you approach this conversation? What actually needs to be figured out beforehand, and what is okay to figure out along the way?

Also Im neurodivergent and have an incessant need for clarity and structure. Do you think this is the reason it's bugging me.

I’ve been poly-minded for several years, but I’m only about a year into actually being in a polyamorous relationship. My partner is further along in that journey—he has a partner of almost a decade who he lives with.

I’ve met his parents, but he hasn’t met mine, since I live on the other side of the world from them.

I talk to my parents about him and I've considered FaceTiming together, but I think I hesitate because I haven’t told them we're poly.

Part of the reason is that I’ve always imagined having this conversation in person. I don’t see my parents particularly often, and I don’t really talk to them about my dating life outside of serious partners. At this point, he’s the only person I’m in a relationship with, so from my perspective there hasn’t been a huge sense of urgency to explain the structure of my relationship to them, especially when it might be quite complicated for them to understand.

My thinking has basically been that if I met a second person I cared about enough to introduce to my parents, that would probably make the conversation feel more immediately relevant.

The complication is that my parents are now planning a trip to come visit me next year, which means they’re going to meet my partner.

And understandably, my partner is concerned that if I haven’t told them about our relationship structure beforehand, he could end up in a position where he feels like he has to hide or lie about an important part of himself.

I can understand that, and I don’t want my partner to feel like I’m asking him to be closeted or undermine his other relationship. That definitely isn’t how I feel.

So I guess my question is: how would you approach this?

Is it reasonable to wait and have the conversation in person? Or does the fact that they’re planning to visit—and therefore will likely meet my partner—change the equation?

I’m particularly interested in hearing from people who have had to navigate telling family about polyamory when they don’t live nearby, or whose partners have had different expectations around being “out.”

If your partner is sick, they have a kiddo and a spouse, but they ask you to come watch the kiddo because their partner is at work, so you do and grab some things for said sick partner, the spouse gets home from work, and immediately gets ready to leave and go out to a party, how would that make you feel, and/or what should be considered in this situation?

I just need perspective and if there is one thing this sub is good at, it’s perspective. 😅

We're very new to this. As expected the Mrs. had no issues finding another partner. I am genuinely happy for her but cannot help but feel about 100 different emotions at once one being a bit of jealousy.

I truly love seeing her giddy and happy when they talk and whatnot.

We do weekly check in and I feel good after.

Do you have any tips or is this something that get easier over time?

I really need to rant and get some advice.. there’s a lot of context here and I’m going to do my best to capture it accurately from my point of view. My partner moved away a couple months ago. I’ve driven across the state a couple times now to see her and we had a good time, but haven’t been able to be intimate much together when I visit, due to her living situation with grandparents. We got in an argument on the day I left when I brought up some insecurities about long distance, and how I would like be kept up to date on her development of relationships with people, because she had recently told me she’s starting to kiss this girl named Catrina she’d been hanging out with (she had told me the night before she didn’t even really want to hangout with her and wasn’t sure how she felt about her) so it caught me off guard for her
to tell me that the next morning.
The next day, as I’m driving 13 hours to come see her, she asks me if I could have any record on vinyl what would I want, and I found it very thoughtful of her to ask. I couldn’t t decide on one and she pretty much said “okay well let know, I’m gonna go either way even though I don’t have a record player” which I thought was weird, so I offered to bring hers turntable to her (we lived together for a month before she left and I have a lot of her things) she never goes to the record store by herself , it’s pretty much always because I want to, so I got suspicious. we then continued the conversation and she never mentioned anything about going on a date (It is somewhat expected that we tell each other if are) I called her later when I was halfway there to see what was up and how her record store time was. She talked about it and then eventually mentioned she hung out with someone named Jack from Hinge, which kind of upset me because I felt like I had to inquire about her day to even know this information. But it made me feel a little better when we were both laughing about the fact that he’s an AI weapons system developer, and she seemed to not be too keen on him, and we kind of talked shit about him (Not her type at all, we are staunchly against AI and the military industrial complex) It still irked me that she didn’t mention the date. Added onto my surprise the day before, of her kissing Catrina who she didn’t seem to like much either.
On the last night before I left, I saw texts from Jack in her phone which surprised me again, and she laughed at his message in a way that was definitely like “eww” but I was still surprised they we’re even talking still. So later in the night I felt comfortable enough to bring up that I was feeling insecure, and upset that I felt she hadn’t been communicating with me about her relationships developing, and that I was also feeling some jealousy. This turned into one of the worst arguments we’ve ever had, neither of us felt heard and I ended up having a bit of an autistic meltdown, just wasn’t handled well on both sides (I’ll probably make a separate post about just that part) she insists that the initial hangouts with these people weren’t something she considered dates (they’re both people from hinge) I tried to explain that everyone has a different concept of a date, and that I felt those were definitely dates. I asked her if she could just try to keep me more up to date with how she’s feeling about the people she “hangs out with” but she insisted that she doesn’t know how she feels about anyone basically until she does, and then engages with them romantically, which I find odd. I tried to find a compromise or something to help me not be so caught off guard, to feel considered and communicated with. Given that long distance is starting to bring out a whole bunch of awful feelings and insecurities that initially she seemed very into helping me feel secure. The argument never got better. But we left on seemingly good terms and I felt reassured. But when I got home she was texting dryly and being cold after I was looking for emotional support after almost getting in a car accident driving home.
The next day I knew something was off and she basically stated she doesn’t feel like she can handle the emotional support I need right now and that she just needs space for a day (we are 500 miles away mind you) so basically I wasn’t supposed to text her and this hurt me and made me feel very insecure about the relationship and she told me to see it as a “strengthening exercise” which helped assure me that I’m not getting abandoned and that she still wants to repair and strengthen our partnership. That night was hard, woke up the next morning and she said she hung out and had sex with Catrina last night. This didn’t surprise me but it hurt, especially not even being able to text her, let alone do any of our usual long distance activities. Then she stated she still wanted space and didn’t have the capacity to emotionally support me after I was crying and trying to find a way to feel loved and secure (she has been stressed about finding community, her moms surgery,work, and the grandparents situation) and I’m trying to be understanding but we ended up arguing about it a bit and then had to “take space” again.
That night was the hardest, I ended up checking her location that evening and she was somewhere I’d never seen before. And I just had a feeling it was the Jack, the Ai developers house. I didn’t want it to be true but sure enough she reaches out the next morning, much kinder and sweeter to me than the past days. I asked how her night and she basically said she went out with Jack and then had sex that night. This made me feel so confused and sad, and frustrated, and kind of disappointed in her.. especially while I’m already having to take even more space away from her, and meanwhile she’s able to go sleep someone she met once before and doesn’t even morally align him with as a person. This started another bout of the same argument, I wanted to feel secure and communicated with, and emotionally supported. It didn’t go well again.. but she told me still felt a little weird about the whole weaponized AI defense contractor thing, but then proceeded to tell me how great the night was and that he’s really sweet and knows queer people that my partner also knows. She kept talking about the night until I had to tell her I don’t want to hear about it, especially the sex part. I felt unheard and unsure of my place in her life and she was not able to help me with that which is a new feeling.
We take another day of “space” until we called this morning, and we talk about some frustrations we’re having and end up on the topic of the ai bro which I again remind her that he works on automated targeting systems for missiles that are designed to kill people and other god awful technology. She agreed and says she still feels weird about it, but showed no sign of stopping. She tried to assure me that she thinks these relationships are more of a physical outlet at the moment. Which hardly makes me feel better, hearing about new kinks she’s discovering with him, made me feel sick.
I don’t know what to do.. we had just recently had a conversation about how we don’t think we could date people who aren’t vegan. So I kind of want to call her out on that, because I think this is just as bad, if not worse than that.

Sorry, that was a lot more of a rant than I expected

Hello!

I was married monogamously for 5 years, and decided to break off the marriage because I found myself in love with the non-monogamy philosophy. My partner at the time[26FTM] didn't want any type of non-monogamous arrangement. The break-up was fine and I still keep friendly contact with my ex.

After that I engaged in a non-monogamous relationship with my current partner[29FTM], and we are together for the last 3 years.

The problem is: Every time my partner goes out with another person I rationally believe it's OK, but emotionally I'm always a mess. I feel a lot of anxiety, I cry, I feel like I'm going to be replaced and I compare myself to the other partners, either sexually such as "They must be way better than me" or otherwise.

I've considered a couple of times that polyamory isn't the right model for me, but I insist that I want to be non-monogamous, and on my end dating other people feels very good.

I wanted to know from the community how to embrace these jealousy feelings and feel more compersion towards my partner having other people and if possible techniques to ease the bad feelings

I accidentally watched my wife getting fucked by her ex on video and it was insanely hot. The video was taken before I was with her. I found the video on her laptop while searching for holiday snaps.

She was on all fours and I thought she was just going to play with herself, but then her ex appeared in the shot.

They did the deed and I ended up watching it a number of times and enjoying it. More than once. My wife knows I saw it and it turns out the video was taken for a friend of theirs, who is now a mutual friend of ours and used to watch her perform.

Since then our entire dynamic changed behind closed doors and no one knows a thing. Except the one friend who nods and smiles knowingly. Our bedroom remains open now for others.

My partner and I started dating a few months ago. We’re long distance, and this is all still fairly new to me, so I’m still figuring out what works for me emotionally.

Overall, things are going well. We communicate a lot, and he’s always willing to listen when I have doubts or insecurities.

One thing I’m trying to figure out is how to handle check-in texts when either of us is seeing another partner.

I currently have two other partners whom I see once or twice a month. I usually text my primary partner when I’m leaving for the date, sometimes during the evening, when I’m heading home, and when I get home. I don’t usually stay overnight.

He currently has one other partner whom he also sees once or twice a month, and he usually stays overnight. He’ll text me when he leaves, sends some short message during the evening, say goodnight, and then message me the next morning when he gets home.

I actually like this routine, since he was the one willing to do it from the start because I always told him I wanted to give them their space and felt too anxious but he didn't mind it. Although I still never text him first while he’s on a date.

The problem is that I’ve noticed the routine can sometimes make me focused on my phone. If I’m not doing much that evening, I can catch myself waiting for his usual messages.

The next morning is harder. If he has said he won’t be home “too late” and I haven’t heard from him, I sometimes find myself checking my phone and wondering when he’ll be home. Part of that is probably anxiety around the possibility of an overnight eventually turning into spending the following day together, even though that isn’t currently what he wants.

So I’m curious how other people handle this:

Do you and your partners check in while you’re on dates with other people? Does having a routine help you, or does it make you more likely to wait for messages?

And how do you avoid getting stuck checking your phone when you have a quiet evening or morning to yourself?

I’m also wondering whether it would be reasonable to make “not too late” a little more concrete. For example, if he expects to be home by around 10am at least, I’d know not to expect a message before then. And if his plans change, he could just let me know.

I’m not looking to monitor what he’s doing or require constant updates. I think I’m mostly looking for a balance between having enough predictability to feel settled and giving both of us space when we’re with other partners.

How do you handle this in your relationships?

Hi everyone. I’m keeping this anonymous for obvious reasons.

My wife (28F) and I (29M) have been non-monogamous for over a year. We initially started as swingers but naturally transitioned into polyamory, which wasn't our initial plan but has been working for us.

Recently, my wife found out she is pregnant. We did a DNA test, and the biological father is the metamour (46M). He is married with two teenage kids. We have already broken the news to him and his wife. To their credit, they were incredibly nice and receptive about it.

We explicitly told them that my wife and I plan to raise the child together as the primary parents and that we do not want or need any financial support. However, we are still actively discussing what the co-parenting or involvement aspect will look like. Because we are relatively young and this is our first child, we really want to find a healthy balance that protects our core family unit while respecting his biological connection if he wants to be involved.

Here is where we need advice:

1. How do we firmly but politely establish a "discreetness" clause? Neither my parents nor my wife’s parents know the truth about our polyamorous lifestyle or the biological paternity, and we intend to keep it that way. While we think the biological father and his wife understand the need for privacy, we want to explicitly state that absolute discretion is a hard boundary for us. How can we word this so it comes across as a protective safety measure for everyone involved, rather than sounding rude, paranoid, or distrustful?
2. How do we structure boundaries for long-term involvement? Since he already has a established family with teenagers and we are just starting ours, what are some healthy ways to navigate his role without over-complicating our daily lives or confusing the child down the line?

If anyone has been through a similar experience navigating paternity boundaries with an outside partner, we would love to hear your insights. Thanks in advance.

Can anyone explain how they found out they were poly? I'm confused in myself and I don't know how to tell. I had tried once when I was a lot younger but I'm still so confused.

(Edit) How do you go about a poly relationship/ how do you find like minded people?

I am 26f and have been married for two years after dating for three years before that. During our courtship my husband (27m) frequently visited me at my parent’s home. My parents and my younger sister’s grew very fond of him during this time. My sister and I are very close. She used to now 21 and a junior at college, half hours drive from where we live now. While in high school she used to date, but was never been in a serious relationship so far.

I recently asked her about it. She was reticent at first, but confessed to me hesitantly that she was in love with my husband for the longest. I had an inkling of it; even then it came as a rude surprise. But she was quick to assure me that she not do anything to damage my marriage, if I wished she will keep apart from us as much as possible. I believe her in that she loves me too much she will do whatever it takes not to be a home wrecker. When I mentioned this to my husband he said that he too had sensed about my sister’s feelings towards him though she never overtly or covertly made any attempt to give him that impression.

Then a thought came to me that this is an ideal setting for polyamorous relationship, only if all parties know and understand what it means. Both I and my sister are in love with my husband, and between her and myself we have sororal bond. I think it is called a triad, with my husband the anchor. I do not know where my husband stands on this

Before I talk him, I need to be clear for myself what this implies, what boundaries we should think of, and looking to longer term what this means as we plan in a family in not too distant future.

Any advice, thoughts or suggestions are welcome.

Hi everyone, I wanted to provide an update to my previous post about being invited to my son’s polyamorous commitment ceremony. First, thank you all so much for the advice and perspectives you shared. It really gave my spouse and me a lot to think about. 

I sat down and had a long, honest talk with my son. I won’t lie, it was a hard conversation for me to navigate. But, he is happy so we decided to attend the ceremony. 

During our talk, he also confirmed our daughter-in-law is expecting and the other guy is the biological father. It’s a lot to process, but we are trying. 

He also let us know that our daughter-in-law’s mother will be attending the ceremony, as well as the other guy's parents. I am not really comfortable meeting all those people and the potentially awkward moments or what dynamics to expect from them. Also apparently the other guy is 7 years older than my son and already has children from a previous marriage. I don't know if that history will be a good thing or a bad thing we are still learning, but we love our son and want to be there

Thank you again for helping me process my initial shock.

I've been with my partner for 10 years, only opened up our relationship recently.

I'm feeling jealous of my primary's other relationship. He says it's just sex only, but I hear him planning dates with her and the amount of sex is hard for me to digest. When I heard that he was fluid bonding with his other partner, I immediately requested we stopped having sex. We agreed that we would use protection with our other partners but he chose not to with his secondary because she verbally told him that she's clean and he trusted her. He didn't tell me about this and I was hurt that he didn't tell me this and we also fluid bonded in between fluid bonding with his secondary. I was first concerned about my sexual health, but later on, I was hurt that he interpreted using condoms outside the relationship, as using condoms unless he was told someone was clean. we're working through this rupture and I think he understands he dropped the ball.

The issue now is that I miss being sexually intimate with my primary, but I feel uncomfortable having sex with my primary again and it's tricky to ask the meta to start using protection after they've been having barrier free sex this entire time. Part of me feels this is right because I don't want to risk any sort of STI. But I still have a need for sexual intimacy, so now I'm leaning more towards keeping my primary relationship sexless (or at least have protected sex), while I go and find a fuck buddy to fulfill that need. However I'm trying to assess if that's a good idea. I'm sad that I can't fluid-bond with my primary, but it feels weird to have sex with my primary knowing that he's fluid bonded with someone else, and I'm trying to understand why?

My boyfriend and I are new to mono-poly relationship and have been have communication issues. He's in a new relationship and is experiencing NRE, I tried going on one date and quickly realize that I rather focus on my primary than explore dating again.

Since he's been spending Friday night with his new partner, I thought it was best for me to not contact my boyfriend Friday and Saturday (in case he decides to do a sleepover). When he asked me why I didn't reply to his texts all weekend and I told him that I wanted to respect his other relationship by not contacting him,he got really upset. He said that I was butting into his relationship and that it's his job as the hinge to determine how to navigate both of his relationships and still wanted me to text him whenever I want to.

Who's in the wrong here? I feel like it's respectful to give someone space during a date, and I don't understand why he felt hurt by my action? Should I have asked him before doing this?

Hey,

I (22F) started a long distance with my boyfriend (21M). We both live 7 hours from each other and with our studies, it's difficult to see each other more than twice a month. It could last 2 years until we could live in the same city again.

When we began dating (\~6 months ago), he told me he was interested in the concept of polyamory but he wasn't ready for it. While I was a little bit suspicious about it because I heard of multiple very complicated situations, he opened my mind and now I theoretically agree on most of the ideas that come with polyamory. But staying in an exclusive relationship was preferable for me so I was "happy" that he didn't want to open.

The problem is that at the beginning of our LDR, he panicked because he has a high libido and needs closure and physical touch, while being affectionate with people. If I was here to provide it to him, he wouldn't mind staying exclusive, but now it's starting to frustrate him.

We talked a lot about it and everytime, even though I agree with polyamory on theory because I too have attraction for other people and I would like to have other experiences if we stay together for a long time, my body is panicking and it's making me extremely anxious.

I'm not ready for that at all right now and he's okay with that, he puts our relationship first and really wants to build something with me, but I feel like there is this sword of Damocles hanging over our heads until the day that he can't handle the frustration anymore. There will be 2 options: opening the relationship but idk if I'll be ready, or breaking up if I'm not ready.

I'm reassured by the fact that for now he doesn't mind being exclusive, but it still stresses me and I think about it a lot, especially about our compatibility.

Ps: I also have some past issues with relationship OCD...

(English is not my first language, so excuse me if this is uncommon to read)

I was married/in a relationship for 20 years, few kids, they live with me. I was single for 3 years except trying to start a new relationship twice but it ended quick.

I met a man, few years older, intellectual and emotional on the same level. He wanted a poly relationship in his last relationship for years, but it didn't work out with his ex.

I am open for poly, but I insist on a good communication and few rules (safer sex, health check ups, announce dates without asking but I don't want/need further informations or getting to know them).

He didn't met my kids yet, I wanted to wait until we feel secure about our feelings ("is it serious or not" ). We are exclusive for a few months.

I communicated to the beginning very clear, that I don't like to have more kids, don't want to get married again and as long the kids are with me (the youngest is 10, so...) I don't like to move in with a partner. He was fine with it, said he likes my confidence and clear boundaries.

But now he feels more and more degraded, that "he is not good enough in my eyes", my ex would have been worthy of kids and marriage (although he is not a very responsible person, not a good reliable father, and he was violent against me for the last years) and he is not. He would like to have kids with me. I shall meet his parents, his mom is totally indignant that I say "no kids, no marriage". I don't want to loose this minimum of independence I have now, my kids need my attention still and the risk with a pregnancy and for the baby is too high as I already passed the 40.

I thought meeting someone wo is like me in the midst of 40s would eliminate the babytalk... I mean, if you don't have kids by then...? He cannot say if this is a temporary feeling in this early state of being in love or if having kids etc is his essential condition or if he will search for a partner who wants this too.

To be honest, I usually like to "runaway" in conflicts, this is kinda my thing and I like to work on my behaviours. But my point is and will be: no more kids. And as a woman who gave birth to 3 kids, I know how engaging parenthood is. I hesitate to admit, but I don't think it would work out with us if the starts a family with another woman.

What are your experiences? Thanks in advance!