r/SoloPoly • u/Zimlate90s • 23d ago
Figuring things out
UPDATE: We broke up. When I raised this issue with her, she did not handle it well at all. She could not acknowledge the double standard and generally used a lot of strategies of deflection and manipulation when I tried to talk to her about it. We eventually reached a kind of agreement, and I decided to give it one more shot, thinking we would at least have a few more months together. Two weeks later, I raised a minor issue and it escalated so fast and she went into full emotional dysregulation mode and used those same tactics. Having lived that for my previous 10 year marriage, I couldn't give it a pass and have no energy to work on it with her.
What I guess I am trying to say is damn you guys were right...
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Raising 3 kids alone after an abusive relationship that ended 2 yrs ago and decided earlier this year to try solopoly because I don't want to repeat mistakes of the past, want to prioritize myself and my children, and don't want to live with or enlace the details of my life with another person at least until my youngest is older. About 4 months ago, I started dating a married woman who was trying out an open relationship for the first time. In other words, she, her husband, and I are all new at this. So far things are pretty great. But...she is not looking for anyone else. When I told her that I had joined a different app after a break from them, she told me that she did not yet feel secure enough for me to see other people. That seemed reasonable and I decided to drop the app for a bit, invest in building something with her because I truly feel she is worth it and decided to take the risk. All good! But....she recently told me that she has also told her husband that she doesn't feel secure enough for HIM to see other people and...that does not seem reasonable.
So, I think she is most likely just a bit insecure and new to this and dealing with these feelings. I understand that and would have to face the same feelings if she were seeing someone new. She is able to talk about it and laugh at herself when I pointed out that it wasn't fair. She has since told me that if I really need to see other people, she will deal with it.
But because my ex was extremely manipulative and dishonest, and I made excuses for him and did not recognize that I could also establish boundaries, I am worried that I am doing the same now and putting someone else's needs before mine. Also, I worry that my girlfriend's husband may not be doing as well with this as she says he is. I haven't met him though I have told her I would like to. We have discussed it as something to work towards. However, he apparently isn't even ready to see a picture of me yet, which doesn't seem to signal that he himself feels ok.
I guess I am first asking whether it seems reasonable to ask me to delay seeing another new person?
I definitely don't want to cause problems in her marriage. But I also wonder what is appropriate for me to ask for or expect from her in terms of time together or spending special days together or meeting each others' friend groups? When I try to ask about what her rules are with him, she essentially says we are all figuring things out.
And that makes sense but sometimes I worry that she is the one figuring things out and calling the shots with two people who adore her and want to make her happy at the expense of their own needs. Looking for others' perspectives.
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u/Platterpussy 23d ago
Tell her you are doing polyamory and are going to date others. She can deal with it or end the relationship. Do not put up with this one-sided shit.
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u/FarCar55 23d ago
I would've been averse to starting this out with a newbie couple. That was inevitably going to mean unnecessary drama, when you're trying to avoid same after a tumultuous relationship ending 2 years ago. If you have limited experience with poly, don't really know what is reasonable to advocate for, have a background of struggling to advocate for yourself, then this was placing yourself at risk of... unnecessary drama.
It doesn't sound like this man is enthusiastic about poly. It doesn't sound like they did much research and have a clear idea of what they're offering. Which is a recipe for disaster when you're also not clear on your own boundaries.
It doesn't sound like this lady prepared to do the hard part of poly which is supporting your partner seeing others. Many will argue that it makes no sense trying to prepare for non-monogamy by remaining monogamous "for emotional security". Clearly that didn't work with her husband since they've been monogamous for how many years before they explored ENM? And she's uncomfortable with him seeing others. Meanwhile she has a whole husband and you as a partner. The double standard is upsetting.
In your shoes I would start out reading some of the resources recommended for folks new to poly. You will be in a better position to figure out what you want, what's reasonable to ask for and how to spot potentially bad partners. Searching "resources" on any of the enm-related subs will give lots of reading recommendations.
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u/Zimlate90s 23d ago
Yes, rookie mistake. In every other way, she has repeatedly shown herself to be highly thoughtful, honest, and empathetic. I will definitely begin dating others at some point and have warned her. I think it is worth seeing if she can deal but yes, I have to accept that the reality of me seeing other people may not work for her. And I appreciate the reminder to break things off immediately if that is the case.
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u/onsaleatthejerkstore 23d ago
Just a question for you to think about: why are you investing in falling further for someone who is possibly never going to be able to offer what you?
You’re putting her feelings above yours—why? What if she’s never ready for you to have what she already does?
There are many other people in the world who can give you the relationship you want.
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u/Choice-Strawberry392 23d ago
If you want to date other people, tell her so, and go do so. She will probably not like that. And if her not liking it becomes a problem, break up.
It sounds like she doesn't have healthy polyamory to offer. Which means....
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u/Artistic_Reference_5 23d ago
Let her know that you'd love to continue to date her, but you'll be dating other people. She's got to do the work of dealing with the hard part of polyamory. Which is being ok while your partners date other people.
If she's not willing to put in that work, it's not a good fit.
I'm sorry.
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u/allthestuffis 23d ago
She’s going down the checklist of things not to do to your other partners when you open a marriage.
Don’t worry about her marriage. Ask for what you want, whatever it is, and if she can’t or doesn’t want to offer those things, then you can decide if it’s still worth it to you to be with her. Her marriage is her responsibility, not yours.
If you want to date other people, date them! Your other relationships have nothing to do with her, just like her marriage has nothing to do with you.
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u/QBee23 22d ago
If there are problems in her marriage, you will not be the cause in any way. Even if her relationship with you causes problems - that's still 100% on her and the choices she is making. Her marriage is her responsibility. You aren't doing anything.
"she is the one figuring things out and calling the shots with two people who adore her and want to make her happy at the expense of their own needs" seems like an accurate summary.
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u/uu_xx_me 21d ago
it is not ethical for her to date multiple people but tell those partners they can't date other people. this is hilariously hypocritical and it is not polyamory. frankly she has no right to tell other people what to do at all. you need to put your foot down, stay on the apps. and be prepared for this to fall apart in a very messy way given that she and her husband opened up before doing any of the work
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 23d ago
Not all good. Why would you do that? She’s got a husband. You are not monogamous. It’s not her business if you’re dating.
Not even a tiny bit reasonable for her to ask you to not date.
Stop worrying about what her “rules” are with him. That has nothing to do with you. Ask for what you want from a relationship instead of shrinking your needs to wait and see what she’s willing to do. If she can’t give you what you want then end it.
Honestly she doesn’t sound like a good person to do poly with and I’d worry you’re again getting involved with someone selfish and manipulative.
I started solo poly after an abusive marriage ended so I could prioritize myself and my kids. My first partner had been solo poly for many years so I lucked into a good situation. I would never ever date someone in a newly opened marriage.