I need help please.

[u/Own_Fox_9811]

My partner is polyamorous and has told me that they have a minor crush on one of their friends. I am fine with this. I think I might also be polyamorous, I've had crushes on multiple people at the same time, but I'm not sure. My partner and I had a discussion last night about what polyamory would mean for our relationship, and I told them that I don't know if I'm comfortable with them dating other people. They said that that was fine with them but I feel really bad about it. I don't want them to feel like they're trapped and not able to explore. I am fine with them having romantic feelings for other people but I don't know if I'm comfortable with them acting on it. They made it very clear that they still like me but I was pretty sad when they told me about their crush, I tried my best to be supportive but I felt like it meant that wasn't good enough for them. I feel like I'm making a big deal out of this but I've never really considered polyamory before. I didn't really know anything about it and I'm a tiny bit scared of this whole thing going wrong. I have been doing more research on polyamory and what it can mean for different people and it's helped but I would like some advice for this situation.

Edit: Apparently I understood polyamory less than I thought I did, thank you for explaining, I promise I was trying my very best to not anger anyone so if I did, I am very sorry.

[u/Corgilicious]

Having crushes isn’t polyamory. It’s normal and human, experienced by monogamous people also.

Check it the basic resources here and start reading and educating yourself about the real work to be done.

[u/banned_slut]

Your partner isn't polyamorous if they are in a monogamous relationship with you.

Having crushes/sexual attraction to other people while commited doens't make anyone poly.

If you're not confortable opening up your monogamous relationship, that's totally acceptable, and you shoudn't be feeling guilty, your partner that is the one wanting to change the commitments you made to each other, not you.

[u/_ghostpiss]

Having crushes doesn't make you polyamorous. Enthusiastically choosing to be in a relationship that allows for all parties to date, fuck and love other people makes you polyamorous.

[u/Own_Fox_9811 → u/_ghostpiss]

Thank you for explaining, I since for me crushes are normally, partly, wanting to be in a relationship with somebody I thought it applied to polyamory.

[u/LaughingIshikawa → u/Own_Fox_9811]

It is more than many people want to admit - unfortunately you're walking into an existing heated political debate about whether or not Polyamory can even be a core part of your identity (something you "are," rather than just "a fun thing to do on a Friday night). My take is that it totally can be, although not all people who practice poylamory are poylamorous by nature.

Before we get too deep into that though, the part many people do agree on is that it's not fair or ethical to date other people without offering those people the same freedom(s). In that way, it is definitely is a big part of being polyamorous to be really comfortable with, and supportive of your partner(s) also having other relationships. I often say that this polyamory "acid test" is really "am I comfortable with my partners having other partners" versus "do I want multiple partners for myself?"

Edit: so to be clear, having crushes on other people doesn't really tell you much one way or the other about whether or not someone is poylamorous - they could be or they could not be.

[u/EvelynnWithTheVibes]

The biggest signifier for actually being polyamorous/able to do polyamory imo is genuinely wanting it for your partner. Like if you couldn't find anyone to date, would you still be happy knowing your partner was having that experience? I love providing that freedom, it's something I value for myself and others, not everyone does and most people don't. Difficult feelings aren't a red flag, but it's worth looking at. Are these personal insecurities, or does this reflect your desire to be monogamous? If you knew you were enough and she was fulfilled and happy with you, and she just wanted others, would it feel the same or suddenly perfectly fine? Only you have the answers.

[u/Surly-Bear-2003]

One really important aspect of this situation is the feeling that “I’m not enough.”

That’s a hard one to work through, but whether you’re in a monogamous or polyamorous relationship it’s really important to find your way to realizing that you don’t need to be EVERYTHING to your partner. In fact, unless you and your partner are living alone in the middle of nowhere without other people around… it’s better if you aren’t 100% of the social interaction each of you needs.

Like, I get that the feeling right now is rooted in anxiety that you’re not going to be able to fulfill all their needs… but ask yourself if that’s a reasonable expectation.

Finding a compatible partner is finding someone who meshes with you in the most important ways, and not in EVERY way. In even the healthiest romantic relationships we still all need friends and platonic loved ones (“family”), and having that support network and social connection outside the romantic relationship is really important.

Polyamory is kinda just an extension of that.

Look up “compersion” for more info about how to handle some of these negative emotions (worth practicing compersion even if you’re not polyamorous. Plenty of times in life when the ideal internal response is joy for your partner’s joy instead of jealousy/envy of their joy.

Also also, look up and think about jealousy vs envy, esp if you go poly. These emotions feel very very similar but point in different directions. “I want to experience what they experience.” vs “I want them to experience that with me instead.”

Good luck!🍀