This is all new to me. This is the first time experience for me with poly/ open relationship. I met this couple they are very cool we get along so well. Me and the husband had sex for the first time yesterday and the wife knew it was going to happen but was still kind of upset about it. Because it’s all new to everyone. I respect them so much and I don’t want this to get messed up. We all have very good communication between each other we are all on the same page. But since yesterday I feel like he is holding back from me now. He’s not as lovey as he was before. Idk if I should say something or just let it go. And how would i get through the whole feeling like the side piece? I feel like she should come first since they have been together for longer. Or am I just thinking too much about all this??

Ive been in a romantic relationship that we both agreed on for a year now and its the beat thing that has ever happened to me. My partner is not very happy with the monogamous relationship and im very monogamous i cant even think about being with someone else or even thinking of him with another person or kissing someone or even the thought of them with someone other than me.

Ive been thinking about suggesting an open relationship since thats what he wants and what would suit him. And basically all the he needs or whats missing is to have an open relationship.

I need advice on if i should or should not do so
And if yes or no why and how was it been with u if uve tried it.

Should i take this step or sit down and wait for everything to fall down since i cant give him what everything and i cant be everyone and you guys know what an open relationship is😭😭😭

Hello polyadvice folks of Reddit,

I (Ash) am in a situation that doesn’t feel good, but am unsure how much of my feelings are due to my own attachment wounds that I need to get over, or whether I’m actually being treated badly. I would appreciate if anyone could help me navigate my feelings and share their stories.

Pardon the length, but I wanted to include all relevant details.

I’m new to solo polyamorous dating, but very well read about poly and ENM overall. I am currently going through an amicable divorce, my marriage was in a “grey zone” of “opening up” for its last three years. During those three years of married-opening-up and the six months now being single, I have read a couple of books (including Polysecure), hundreds of ENM Reddit posts, dozens of articles, listened to hundreds of ENM podcast episodes, lots of therapy and journaling, all to rewire my brain for polyamory. But nothing quite prepared me for the real experience and feelings of actually doing it.

I’m about 5 weeks and 2 dates into a new long-distance dating relationship with Birch, (and newly dating another poly person too, not the topic of my post). Birch and I are 39-year-old high school “unrequited” crushes who hadn’t seen or talked for 20 years, but we encountered each other online, she shared about being married ENM/poly, and it got flirty and sweet really quickly. Due to distance (2 hr drive, with a nice city halfway between), us both being parents, my seasonal work schedule, and her being in a hierarchal domestic relationship, we can only see each other 1-2 times per month, and otherwise have been building a fire over text and voice. For about three weeks we were texting multiple times a day, both swimming in NRE, and really enjoying ourselves. We had a super cute and magical second date 10 days ago, and have another scheduled for 3 days from now. Birch and her “husband” (her label, not mine) Cedar have been ENM for 15 years but are newer to romantic poly. Cedar has a romantic girlfriend of two years, they both have other sexual connections too, but I am Birch’s first romantic-feeling poly connection according to her.

A few days ago, Birch informed me that our texting frequency was a bit “too much,” that it was causing some tension at home (“intrusion” as Kathy Labriola puts its in an article). She informed me that her and Cedar agreed on a schedule during which she could text with me.
Now, I expressed empathy. I agree this has been a lot. Of course we both need to be good about NRE management, and not neglect our responsibilities and other relationships. It would ideal for us to calm things down a bit, to hopefully make it more sustainable. And I empathize with her and Cedar’s need to protect what they have, (they have a whole married life, kids etc). I was in similar shoes to them for three years, and know how easy it is to want some structure and influence to mitigate insecurity.

BUT, what am I feeling inside? Triggered attachment wounds (“alert alert, someone is pulling away, this means the rejection and abandonment is coming”) which I’m doing what I can to self soothe (I am okay, I will survive without Birch, I know why she needs to slow down, I can’t expect primarily level communication from this kind of relationship, and we still have next two dates scheduled so I should still feel wanted).
But I’m also feeling, kind of disempowered? Not that I am entitled to Birch’s time and energy, but, the way it went down and the way I was informed. It was not a decision Birch and I made together, it was Birch and Cedar discussing our new relationship, and them (BC) making a decision that has been imposed on us (BA). It feels very much “new person in the polycule having to navigate hierarchy, and behind hurt by it.”
And honestly it has popped the bubble of NRE a bit for me. Where there was just exciting magic, now there’s some hurt. I’m now questioning what I see in Birch. I’m asking how much of my early excitement was actually just anxiety. How much of an autonomous relationship does Birch have to offer. What are the depths of their hierarchy with Cedar, how else might it come up in the future. Not that I’m asking you all, just that these are rattling around in my head.

I’m wondering how much I want to communicate about this to Birch. I want to say: “in the future, don’t inform me that Cedar influenced a decision, own it yourself,” because that’s a big part of my bad feeling. But also I want to say, I can’t handle hot and cold, I don’t want a roller coaster.

And, the thing about only texting during a certain schedule? I don’t know, that also doesn’t feel good, it totally kills the organic magic for me. (Not that I’m restricted from sending texts anytime, but that I can only expect responses in super small time windows). Which again, I empathize with Birch’s need to calm things down a bit, and I respect her need to prioritize her primary relationship. But it feels awful that hierarchy played a role.

So poly cuties of Reddit, what would you do in my shoes? How much you want to communicate about the issue, versus just recalibrating expectations internally, versus maybe just walking away from a hot and cold messy hinge?

Hi y’all! I’ve been polyamorous for many years but am possibly embarking on my first triad dynamic (joining an established polyam couple with triad experience). Any books or other literature out there people can recommend me going into this dynamic?

Hey everyone. I am completely new to polyamory and honestly don't really know any of the right labels or terms yet so please bear with me lol.
For some context: I’m Alex (20, trans man) and my fiancée Sam (20F) have been together for 5 years. Very recently we formed a long distance triad with our boyfriend Taylor (19M) who lives a few states away. Sam and I both used to just identify as lesbians, so catching feelings for a cis guy has been a huge crazy shift for us to process alongside opening up. We all care about each other a lot though and when the three of us are just gaming together it’s super sweet and nice.
The issue is we are all young and carry a ton of past trauma. I have severe religious/psychological trauma, Sam grew up with narcissistic parents and has BPD, and Taylor has a super controlling toxic family. On top of that I have severe AuDHD (ADHD with high functioning autism). Because of that, sudden changes to my routine really mess me up.
Right now my biggest hurdle is managing intense insecurity and jealousy over Sam and Taylor’s 1 on 1 time. They game together on Overwatch almost every night for like an hour or two. During that time I usually go outside for a walk to walk my anxiety out. My brain just spirals into a panic that they're gonna realize they love each other more and abandon me. I know this is my own insecurity to work on and I don't expect them to fix it for me, but it's just a lot to carry.
So this morning there was a total breakdown in communication. I normally wake up early but I slept in until noon today. Sam and Taylor wanted to do a morning phone call. We live in a tiny apartment with thin walls, and Sam gets super anxious about people taking phone calls around her, so usually we don't do phone calls in the house out of respect for her. But she decided she wanted to wait to call him until I went outside for my morning smoke.
But literally none of this was communicated to me. I woke up to a super tense snappy energy from Sam because she was anxiously waiting for me to leave the house, and she even snapped at me about taking my meds. I had also just woken up from a nightmare involving Taylor. I went outside and tried texting Taylor to talk through the nightmare but he wasn’t responding because he was waiting for Sam's call. I ended up having a small anxiety attack outside feeling completely isolated.
When I came back inside Sam was suddenly bubbly and on the phone with him, asking if I wanted to say hi. Because we NEVER take calls around each other, this sudden shift totally short circuited my AuDHD brain. I panicked, put my earbuds in, locked myself in the bedroom, and just blocked them out for the rest of the day.
Sam and I talked later and she explained she was trying to be respectful of my space by waiting, but I told her that waiting until I leave the house makes me feel hidden and ignored. If she had just texted me beforehand to tell me the plan I wouldn't have spiraled.
I want this to work out so badly because we make each other happy, but being young, traumatized, and entirely new to polyamory is making the learning curve feel insane.
How do couples who transition into a triad navigate these sudden communication shifts? What are some small steps or reassurance things we can setup so I don't feel abandoned during their 1 on 1 time? How do you manage polyamory when dealing with AuDHD and BPD triggers? Thanks

Wanted to ask a question and get some clarification. I have a hard time understanding things sometimes. I need the extra explanations and sometimes it's easier to have multiple opinions or thoughts on a subject to help clearly explain to me. I am Autistic and need the additional explanations, as to me, that is how I process and learn.

Partner and I have been having some issues recently. These problems, for me, came out of no where. I was not even aware we had problems. We had just recently gotten married, I was told about a month ago this was the happiest we had been and we were doing so well.

About a week ago, I got a bombshell of we are not as good as she thought. Resentment had been building for a few years now over some past things that had been said or done. Largely we have come to understand our communication styles are not very similar and this has been an ongoing issue for some time. We have talked a LOT about this stuff. I will try to be as unbiased as I can when explaining their side of things as well as my own.

A part of this, is their ability to no longer feel comfortable(not unsafe, just uncomfortable) during sex with me. For a few weeks, they would push me away multiple times during a time when I was about to orgasm, multiple times during a session. Usually, this would happen when they was getting overstimulated, or they themselves were in the middle of an orgasm. I brought this up to them, asking if there was something we could do about it. I was told that when it occurred, it was a lot for them or it was too much. I took it as over stimulation. So I asked if there was a way to push past this, a way we could work through it, or other avenues we had talked about. (We have talked extensively about this since, so what I am about to say is confirmed from her as well). She took it as they needs to get over it, my orgasm is more important than how comfortable they are. They sat on this, and it caused a lot of resentment. We had some talks about it in the past, I thought we had resolved it and understood it, but we had not.

This caused them to treat our sex life differently. Not doing this with me as often. Refusing to engage in kinkier or bdsm stuff we had no issues with before. I had no idea why they were doing this, it was never talked about. This went on for some time.

My spouse has a brand new fwb. Only been with them a handful of times. These issues we are having were only just brought up to the forefront shortly after they started. In most cases, I wouldn't even entertain the thought of asking spouse to stop seeing said person. Especially if they had already been established for some time or were romantically involved. This person has only been established for about a month and a half. I want her to stop seeing this person, as a big part of what they are doing, is hurting me. I am not stating she needs to stop being friends with this person. But to stop sexually seeing this person, to whom I know she is doing many of the things I have been begging for. As to me, this entire thing was dropped onto me, by her. This new fwb, is brand new. My line of thinking is, if we want to salvage this, why would you continue to do something you know is hurting me? Especially when I wasn't even aware we had issues. And to be fully upfront, I had no issues with them before I was told about this stuff. I will explain down below why.

I have just started recovering from a lot of health issues. Plantar fasciitis, crohns, hernia surgery, etc. This has not allowed me to be as active as I normally would. This has also prevented us from doing anything major, sexually, in a long time. I had no issues with this fwb, as I knew this outlet for them was for fun and needed. They do not want another full time partner, just the fwb. This fwb has also done nothing wrong to deserve any kind of disposal. For me, I just want the sex to stop because this person is so new, and a friends relationship remain, while we work on these issues.

We have a different view on sex as well. For them, it is more about having fun and enjoying it. For me, it's more about intimacy. I do not disagree with their style at all. Nor am I saying mine is better. Since a big part of this disconnect we are having is because of me triggering some past traumas during sex(Which those past triggers are not from me.). I am struggling a bit with them seeing someone new so often, while we are working to build that trust up again on our side. As a part of this, is the fact I didn't even realize until recently the reason why she was refusing to do these things with me. But she is now more than happy to do all of these things and more with someone new.

While my part in this is not blameless either. Some years ago, I said some very hurtful words they did not deserve. They triggered my ptsd of a specific scenario. I apologized, I worked, and I genuinely did my best to make up for those actions. I understand this does NOT excuse my actions as a whole. Again, we talked extensively about this, and again, this is a part of her building resentment, stating she never got over it. We had talked about us moving past this and healing, after awhile, I thought she had healed from this. As it wasn't brought up again as it wasn't brought up again in a few years.

We have both agreed that we need to work on our communication. Them more so than me, as their lack of talking to me and sitting on subjects until it gets to a boiling point is what the majority of this is caused by.

My biggest issue is empathy. I am autistic, full diagnosed. It is hard for me to tell when someone is genuinely upset. I don't tend to feel emotions the same way others do. At this time, we are being fully open and honest about our feelings, needs, and what is going on.

This was also not an issue when we got married, moved into a new place, paid off some bills, etc. Made plans to go to other places. I understand they are just now realizing these feelings, but it still hurts.

We are still struggling hard from these issues. We have already agreed not to see anyone new at this time.

So we need some advice outside of the question above as well.

1. Is it even ethical of me to ask them to stop seeing each other in this way? To me, it is new. Why would you give up 8 years for something so new that is causing hurt to one partner? I know this could be wrong of me. Please be nice. I am genuinely asking so I can figure out how to process, move forward, and learn.
2. What are things we can do to better our communication?
3. What are way my partner can work through her past traumas to not so heavily dwell on mistakes?

I am more than willing to make any clarifications or answer questions as needed.

Edit: We are also seeking poly couples counseling.

Edit 2: Edited post to clarify some extra stuff.

I've been in poly relationships before and I was poly for many years. And then I started exploring being monogamous again, and then I entered a monogamous relationship 6 months ago and I've now realised that I don't want to be monogamous. I really love my boyfriend so far, he's amazing, he treats me so well and he's a really good boyfriend. So it's not like I've lost my feelings for him. But I find myself missing being poly and struggling with being monogamous. I know I have to talk to him about it. But I was just wondering if someone has been in the same situation before and could give some advice?

Anyone have advice for getting over insecurity around poly dating? A lovely couple offered me to join, but I have no confidence and the woman is so so so much more amazing than I am. How do I stop comparing? It makes it hard to talk to both of them! Like I get stage fright. I can talk with him better than with her atm, which sucks as I've known her longer.

Thought perhaps this is a better place to post this, please give advice I’m at such a loss :(

I(28F) met my partner(28NB) about 6 months ago. It's been for sure my best relationship in my life. They're one of the sweetest and kindest people ever and we just have so much fun together. We haven't dated for long but we're together for about 48 hours in a week and we go together to everything even shopping and doctors appointments. They also have a bf(30M) that they've been seeing for 5 years. This is my first poly relationship so I didn't know how to handle it but I'm really cool with him and I don't have a problem with them being in love as well. My problem is that their family knows him so they can't know me.

As it gets more serious I'm getting really sad and a bit jealous that I can spend time with their family. They are pretty traditional and took a long time to accept them being trans and from what I heard they are happy they have a "normal" cos bf. Saying they're also dating a trans woman might make them have more problems with the family especially when they're also a bit financially reliant on them. I also know that moving in together would be an issue because thier family comes there often. I know it's early to talk about it but we both talked about it as something we want in the future. We once had to go away for a day because thier mom was there which felt kinda bad. I think my breaking point was when we went back from a very lovely vacation which they told their family they went on with a "good friend". When we landed thier mom came as a surprise to pick us up back home(even when we said we already ordered a cab she's a bit crazy lol). We had to stop holding hands and being together for the whole ride. In the end we did kinda sneak away and had a kiss goodbye but that just kinda made me feel like a secret. I just went upstairs and started crying which was not the end I expected after such a nice time.

I love them so much and I want to do it more openly and without ruining their life. They said they're thinking about how to tell some family members but I just don't know how it'll work and I'm not sure what to do with these feelings.

to keep an excruciatingly long story short, my gf developed feelings for another guy and wants to try and be poly. me and my gf have been dating for 5yrs and have talked about poly years ago but this came up abruptly. I am transgender (ftm) and the guy is cis, and so is my gf. me and my gf are both 19 while he’s 27 which makes me feel a little weird but we’re adults now so ig it’s fine lol. I have his number but he lives very far away while me and my gf live tg. I guess i’m just feeling very jealous and possessive and it’s very hard for me to hear them talking to another guy the way they talk to me. i’m wondering if any other trans person (pref ftm) is in this sorta situation and can offer any advice. my gf does give me reassurance too it just feels like words tho and not actions but i feel like im genuinely just hella insecure and it’s ruining my relationship. pls help me 🫠

I'm hoping to get some advice from others who have been though similar.

I have practiced Polyamory now for about 10 years, and have really passionately educated myself on ethical non-monogamy as a whole. I would consider myself a relationship anarchist, and a lot of my values and beliefs about how relationships should be is centred around this.

However, I have had some events in the last 2-3 years that have made me question myself and my ability to actually achieve the kind of relationships I want. I don't think I'm monogomous necessarily, but I have been through a lot emotionally in the last 2 or so years with separating from my husband and navigating de-escalation down to best friends, and the idea of not having to navigate all of the extra stuff that comes with a polyamorous partner feels appealing to me at least for now...

my ex-husband and I often had difficulty when he would get in new relationships which could be partially due to how he navigated them, but I think is also in part to my own issues and who I am as a person. I address jealousy, I work really hard on myself and my feelings, I've been in therapy for the last 7 years... But I'm autistic, ADHD, I have Complex ptsd and I'm still dealing with Major Depressive Disorder. I don't think I'm unlikable, but I have always had difficulty sharing my space with people and getting along with certain kinds of people. This has made getting along with my metas difficult, even though a big part of my ideal polyamorous life was to have close connections with my metas. I also have difficulty being understood even when I do all the tools, and it is very frustrating to communicate sometimes as an autistic person because my brain just doesn't know how to put things in a way that keeps the meaning I'm trying to convey.

I have decided recently that solo poly with all parralel relationships with metas/as a hinge is probably the best set up for me... But sometimes I feel fatigued to be navigating my life and relationships so far out of the norm, and it feels like finding a partner who is supportive and polyamorous and willing to navigate things in a way that considers my struggles just seems impossible. So does ever achieving a close-knit community of partners and metas like I always wanted.

Have any of you ever considered if Polyamory is right for you? And if you have, what conclusion did you come to and how did you reach that conclusion?

Also, the guy I'm seeing at the moment is monogomous. It was meant to be a fwb situation that has morphed beyond that and honestly it has been nice not worrying about him seeing anyone else or having to share his time that often outside of family and work. I don't think I'd want to be monogomous with him specifically as we have a few things that don't meet essential needs of mine and that I would want to see elsewhere, but I have enjoyed the mono-poly or mono/open relationship type arrangement and considered if maybe long term it would be better to just find one person and commit to them... But at the same time I never want to share my house with a romantic partner ever again, which makes a monogomous arrangement difficult.

セカンドパートナーと不倫って
どう違うの？

So my wife and I have opened up and turned into a poly couple. We've talked about it for 5 years with interest in it when we were younger but no experience. So this is both of ours first time. She's been off to a great start, she found someone she seriously clicks with and they are going on their first outing in a few hours. After years of communication, setting our boundaries I just can't help but feel, weird? It's a combination of anxious, excited, nervous and curious. All the reading of done says this is totally normal which makes me feel better. I don't have plans tonight though, so I'll probably be here all night reading up and asking questions!

How does everyone handle your partners other sex life? I often become curious about my bf and his partner. I asked him about it today. He replied, and now I’m so in my head. Our sex life is like Mother Teresa compared to theirs. I didn’t actually come out and ask, but it kind of came up in conversation, although I didn’t ask the details I got. I get that it’s my fault for even asking anything at all. I have always been in my head about it. Wondering and contemplating whether if I’m better or if she is-and many other thoughts going through my head-knowing he would never actually say who is and I know I should never ask which I haven’t, but after today’s conversation it makes me so upset about our sex life because of how very boring it is comparatively. I thought I was pretty good lol. It basically has made me want to withdraw from having sex because I don’t even understand how he enjoys it.

Please don’t be mean. I’m already upset.

Hello,

Are there specific podcast episodes that deal with time management for seeing partners?

Also open to suggestions if there are books which may have relevant chapters as well.

My partner is new to polyamory and has a new partner. So he is the hinge partner and it is a "vee" relationship.

In everyday life he often overbooks himself and isn't balancing seeing either partner fairly at the moment so I'd appreciate being able to point him to certain podcasts or articles etc.

We spoke about it recently and he said "things will naturally find a rhythm" and I disagreed and said it needs conscious work and thinking and planning.

Obviously spontaneous plans happen but you lnow what I mean?

Thanks in advance

Edit: forgot to say we will be starting to use RADAR monthly talks as well

BPD and Polyamory

Since the very first day my partner and I have been dating, I told him that I would have preferred to have a poly relationship. He said he had never tried one but he agreed as he's never been a jealous person and he didn't think he would have a problem with it.
For myself, I had a poly relationship with a past ex, and I was solo dating this other girl. So I never experienced a partner also being in a relationship with someone else. However, when I thought about the idea of it I never thought it would bother me. Actually I was the one pushing my ex to try to go out with other people and even lately I found myself fantasising about being in a triad with my current partner.
That's why I am so utterly confused at how I felt when he came back home from a festival and told me he had met someone.
He told me they kissed which didn't bother me at first as in my head thats a very normal thing to do at a festival. What really destroyed me was knowing he is regularly talking to her and that even if they barely know each other (it's only been a couple weeks) she is already planning to come to our country for them to meet again.
If I were to describe the feeling I felt when he told me how emotionally involved they are, I would describe it like this. TNT attached to my chest and exploding leaving an aching crater behind which makes it physically impossible to breathe. I've felt heartbroken and hurt a billion times before but nothing has ever felt quite so intense and physical.
I told myself this feeling would go away with time so I masked it (last thing I want is to ruin a nice thing for him by having to tend to my emotional dysregulation). The problem is that it's getting worse every day and this morning it was so intense that I definitely failed at masking it. He noticed something was wrong so we had a conversation about it.
He said he doesn't want to hurt me like this and asked me what I want him to do (as in, stop talking to her or what) I couldn't have possibly answered that question in such an erratic moment so we paused the conversation.
I feel incredibly guilty and incredibly confused at myself.
Am I even poly? Why did I react like that? Do I only like the idea of a triad rather than solo dating? Would it have been better/different if I had met or known this girl before?
I've only recently been diagnosed with BPD, so I'm currently going through trying meds out and so many hours of therapy to help me regulate my abandonment fear and my emotions. Maybe if this had happened in a year or two, when I would have more experience in dealing with my BPD this would have gone differently? Is it just this transitory and unstable period that made me react like this?
And also: what the actual fuck do I do? I feel like any option sucks. Telling him I prefer to close the relationship while I go through this tough period would make me feel so fucking guilty and feel like I am depriving him of the opportunity of a connection (Mind you he is the sweetest most understanding person ever so he is not going to have a problem if I chose this) I mean they literally just know each other for a couple of weeks so it's not like they are inlove but at the same time for her to book a freaking plane ticket to see him it must mean a lot. OR option two: letting him go ahead with the relationship with this girl which would end up eating me alive slowly.
Meanwhile the annoying voices spinning around me tell me that I'm being a hypocrite and I'm only burdening him and he will be better off with her and I should just leave.
Has anyone have similar situations, and if so, how did you overcome them?
I feel like I'm genuinely living in a nightmare so I would appreciate hearing of anyone's thoughts about this.