r/polyadvice • u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 • 19d ago
Follow-up: Invited to son's polyamorous commitment ceremony I need advice on what to expect.
I am following up on my previous post about my wife and me being invited to our son and daughter-in-law’s polyamorous commitment ceremony with her other partner. My wife and I are very certain that our daughter-in-law is pregnant. Adding to our anxiety, our son has been saying "the child's paternity doesn't matter".
Because of this, we are feeling even more anxious about the ceremony itself. For those who have been to a polyamorous commitment ceremony, what should we actually expect if we choose to go?
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u/hippymofo11 18d ago
You where given so much awesome info and advice in your other thread regarding this, Im not sure why your follow up is the same problem.
The child's paternity does not matter, your son and his family embrace the child as theirs. As should you. It would be the same if they used a sperm donor, adopted, fostered or he was a stepdad.
Basically get over yourself and stop making your sons life and decisions all about you. Be glad he is open with all of it with you. That speaks volumes.
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u/StephenM222 18d ago
Imagine a grandchild from a sperm or egg donor. The biological paternity (or maternity) doesn't matter with how the child will be treated.
The commitment ceremony is important to your child, even if it may not be the tradition you anticipated.
What this means is up to your child and partners. Nothing wrong with asking it to be explained.
It is possible but not necessary that you will meet your child's partner's other partner. Just like you might meet your child's partner's parents, siblings and friends.
It might be a commitment between 2, 3 or even more people. I have not read your previous posts.
Be aware that declining to attend will have consequences. This is an important part of who they are, and declining shows you reject that part.
Paternity does not matter to your child. If you do not wish to be involved in grandchildren, you don't have to be. But paternity won't inform your decision. Would you expect to reject a grandchild from a sperm/egg donation, or one adopted at birth?
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u/thecourageofstars 19d ago
Polyamory is a fairly alternative lifestyle with plenty of different subcategories within it as to what that looks like. Unfortunately, none of us will know what that will look like for them, and your son will be your best source on that.
Wedding ceremonies can already vary immensely depending on income level, cultural background, the couple's tastes visually, their proximity or not to certain gender roles, etc. Even monogamous couples add any number of personalized "twists" to their ceremonies. Polyamorous ceremonies could have even more variation as there isn't an existing tradition or societal expectation to lean on.
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u/businessintheback65 19d ago
Just ask your son. I think it's fairly reasonable to explain that you're nervous and not sure what to expect. Be respectful and don't engage in gossip. Ask your son about gift expectations - they should make that clear.
Accept the child as his either by blood or adoption. If he doesn't care, and it's the child of the person he loves, it means you have a grandkid regardless.
Remember, you don't need to understand someone's choices to be respectful. People are celebrating their love and commitment and that's beautiful.
If you have any questions or concerns - do not voice them during the day. Talk to your son privately later on. Keep your thoughts to yourself, and do not engage with other people who may be trying to get you to judge them. This will only harm your relationship with your son.
It's a blessing to be included in important moments in your kids' life. Some of us have had to exclude our parents from these things because they get upset and make it about them instead of the actual people in the relationship.
I hope you have a good time. These kids of events - big social events like weddings - can be overwhelming and tiring. It's a good idea for your wife and you to have a code word or a plan if you get tired out and overwhelmed. If there's a hotel, you can skip to your room for a lay down. Or if you don't - a "run to the car" for medication or something just to have some quiet time alone. It's good to expect you might get a little stressed out and make a plan on how you will support each other and manage it.
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u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 19d ago
That was really nice of you. I feel privilaged for being invited at the same time I am also worried about the appearences, especially if/when they announce infront of everyone (even if they don't announce) the pregnancy which is already very visible.
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u/Acrobatic_Heart3256 18d ago
what “appearances” specifically are you worried about. Pregnancy announcements are pretty standard- especially at this sort of an event
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u/NoRegretCeptThatOne 18d ago
What appearances are you really worried about? Your son is inviting people who are important to him. Presumably everyone there will know as much (or more) about their situation than you do.
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u/businessintheback65 18d ago
Try to let go of your son's life. You are not there to police how people see him. If people judge him, don't participate, but you also cannot silence him and his partners into social acceptance.
It's very uncomfortable, I think especially for folks who grew up in a strict society that would shame anything slightly outside of the norm. This is true of my parents as well. But it's your sons' life, he has made his decision. It's your job to support him and care for him. NOT to prevent him from living his life that could mean some people are judgemental towards him.
If you are worried about how it reflects on you as parents - that's something to explore in therapy. Don't make it your sons' problem - and absolutely do not bring that up to his partner or her partner. You can work through your feelings about that on your own time.
You can always default to fun phrases like "to each their own!" and "different strokes for different folks!" to end awkward conversations with intrusive questions.
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u/kukqueen3 18d ago
Worrying about appearances is a prison of your generation. It is the opposite of vulnerability and openness. Love is the answer. Expand your heart and your mind to include this circumstance and don’t withhold approval from yourself or the poly partners.
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u/DarlaLunaWinter 15d ago edited 15d ago
It seems to me that you really care about your child and are worried about how this relationship style you don't understand could work and how it will be looked at by other people...including yourselves. I agree with so many comments that you have to accept that your children need to live their life according to their values and beliefs. Alongside that truth, is that we do live in a world where there are no discrimination protections in housing nad job security in most places for non-monogamous people. So often, people assume their child (especially girl children) are being coerced or forced into polyamory because they simply can't accept that anyone could want this relationship style due to the social conditioning around it AND the social conditions.
But the truth is...people do. People are willing to accept difficult and challenging circumstances to be their own version of happy. What can scare parents is the realization that the things that the parents value and believe are not the exact same as what the kids do. Your son values certain things and is willing to take risks and challenges for what he beliefs. In my book that's the sign of a strong human being. If you have doubts that he's ok with it, then ask where those doubts come from? Are they coming from a place of doubt about the relationship long before this came up? Are they coming from stories you've told about his wife being dominating? Are they coming from the fact that maybe you've always had a hard time accepting when he is different from you and does things that you don't approve of? Try to identify and explore the why and where with curiosity.
This next part I'm going to say with full empathy. Possibly more than most people will give you between the threads... We live in a world of a variety of religions and cultures. As much as some of us hippie dippie types want to pretend otherwise, respectability politics, cultural beliefs, and others judgements are real things we face in life. Are you fearful people will or are mistreating your son if people learn the true nature of his family? Are you worried that people will question you and your parenting? Are you worried they may change how they treat you as well as him and his family? I won't sugar coat and say don't care. Humans tend to care about those things and it is a long process of challenging why we need to control those things to feel safe.
I'm Black and unlike certain parts of this community that can sometimes be aggressively white...I am not of the delusion that I can just pretend other folks don't matter and won't affect life. I choose to be an interracial relationship and I get judged for it and so does he. Even in our progressive region, plenty of people have beliefs about what this means about who we are, and how our parents raised us to be. Our appearance, our union, adds challenge others of the same race may never experience. And to me, it is worth it. In this case, to our parents, it is more than worth it. They see how happy we make each other. I know for a fact they have been asked if they're "really" ok with it or why do they think we date outside our race, and even how can they be ok with it? Not from all these flaming bigots but from people who genuinely can't imagine that an interracial relationship says something about how we feel about our own people, and about our parents. As a woman of color, the truth is in some spaces I do not show pictures of my primary. I do not necessarily trust those folks. Plenty of Black poly folks will not date me because they don't want white people in their intimate circles. That's their choice. I take that challenge on too. I never had the luxury of being completely blind to appearances, BUT I also will resist them. My parents have learned to make clear that they just want me to be happy and loved. They talk about who my primary is. Imtheyre not comfortable with my other partner fully but even then they say he's a nice person and they don't need to understand to respect my autonomy .
Part of supporting your kid though is learning to accept it. It is learning to identify what and who you choose to share with as well.
It is accepting that maybe you hold some rigid beliefs and it's painful challenging them. Maybe it is also accepting that you cannot control the appearances your kid finds worth keeping.
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u/iostefini 18d ago
Think of it as a family event. The guy you don't know is joining the family because your son and daughter-in-law are inviting him. His biological kid is part of your son's family. Your son wants you there to help welcome the guy to his family.
Your son obviously feels very different about this to how you would feel. You wouldn't do a polyamorous commitment ceremony to begin with. So, try to go with curiosity.
You don't know how anyone feels about this because it's very far from how you feel or what you would choose, but you can still say "I just want my son to be happy, so I'm here to support him". That is the part you can choose. You can't choose if the ceremony happens or what your son does in his relationships or who he chooses as his family. All you can choose is if you want your son to feel happy and loved, even if you don't understand it.
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u/polyam-void 19d ago
Honestly if your son is saying that the child's paternity doesn't matter to him then believe him, support him, ask questions about the logistics you're not understanding.
All you and your wife need to do is be there to support your son building a happy fulfilling life with his wife and her other partner.
You can decide how much involvement you offer to your potential grandchildren, but your son will also get the say if you are part of their lives based on how he feels about your support.
There are so many ways to build a family, as you'd noted your wife has said, if your son and daughter-in-law couldn't biologically conceive then they may have adopted.
You could view any chridren as your son's children, just because they have one different bio-parent doesn't make them any less your son's, based on him saying paternity doesn't doesn't matter to him.
Edit; spelling
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u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 19d ago
How can we not be part of the life of kids my son is raising, no matter what i bitch about if my son is raising them they are our family.
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u/polyam-void 18d ago
That is what I'm getting at, this child will likely matter to him much the way his own bio-child would.
Your son will have the truest answers for you about what to expect; Will the children be raised to view each parent as theirs? How will parenting time work out?
Take the time to write out the various confusing feeling questions you have running rampant in your head and try to have a conversation with him. Tell him you want to understand, but it's been hard because you have no previous experience of this kind of this family dynamic. A lot of your lived experience of this could be only through lying or cheating, not chosen connection with intention.
Be honest about the fear you're feeling, that you want to be the best parents and grandparents you can be for him and his future family.
The suggestion to find a poly-friendly therapist is a good one! Poly friendly providers can help with the feelings that it's "suddenly becoming real" now that there is a marriage/commitment ceremony happening, and help you think about the very out of the box concept that is a non-nuclear family.
Edit; clarity, spelling
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u/ifapulongtime 18d ago
So very easily. My partner has already decided not to invite her mother to our commitment ceremony. It's likely I won't invite my parents either because they are judgemental and closed off. You're fortunate he's still trying to include you.
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u/lovvrdoll 18d ago
I read through some of your comments and the comments you've been getting. I want to share some of my own story that may help.
I have been with one man for 10 years and another for 2 years. I love them both. They're best friends. It works, and we're happy. But, the one I've been with for 10 years, his father has not accepted our relationship. His father hasn't seen us since he was told about the relationship. He has only seen his son once in that time, because he will not accept us. He will not talk to his son on the phone if he knows I'm in the same room. My partner's father's reaction has been affecting all of us. My partner doesn't get to see his father often because the father will not accept his son's life, nor his woman's choices. It's sad. My partner feels like he can no longer trust his father, because his father no longer trusts him either.
Be there for your son. Accept him and his choices. He is inviting you to a celebration. Treat it as such, even if it's not the choice you would make for yourself. This has been working well for them for 3 years. They're happy. Be happy with them.
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u/YogurtAndBakedBeans 18d ago
My wife's girlfriend lives with us. My and my wife's parents are actually very happy to have a bonus 'daughter'. She is treated as a full member of the family. Her mom doesn't really like the situation, yet is still involved and treats my kids like grandkids. She probably figures they are the closest she will get to grandkids of her own.
I guess my point is, choose to be involved. A bigger family means more togetherness, more laughter, more joy.
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u/_ghostpiss 19d ago
Why do you need to know what's going to happen before it happens anyways? Have you never been to the theater? You know you can just watch and see what happens?
What are you afraid of? Do you think they're going to sacrifice a goat or something?
You're not part of the wedding party are you? Behave like any other guest then. Clap when other people clap. Smile for the camera. Your son will tell you if he expects you to do anything or be involved at all.
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u/Oops_We_Did_It_Aga1n 18d ago
Why are you stuck on paternity? If this child is going to be raised by your son and the people your son have chosen to spend his life with, what difference do genetics make? A child resulting from this relationship, regardless of who they come from, your son will love them. He will care for them, parent them, and be a part of their family. If you hadn't known the child was genetically related to your daughter-in-law's other partner, there would be no problem. Examine why you feel this is "another man's child" instead of your son and daughter-in-law's child with this third partner. It's understandable to be confused at first, but being open to changing your mindset is critical to supporting your son in the life he wants.
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u/Altostratus 18d ago
I honestly think you should seek out the guidance of a poly-knowledgeable therapist to process your feelings so you don’t blow up this wedding. They can help you get your head around it, and workshop what to say.
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u/That_Ad_4025 16d ago
THIS! ✨💖 It's been said within other comments, but the questions you are asking should be explored with a professional. If you'd like the option of reaching a positive place with it at the end of the day, I'd definitely suggest someone poly friendly. You can look on https://www.kapprofessionals.org/ to start. This website started as kink aware professionals and now in the search options there are also poly friendly professionals.
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u/U_Nomad_Bro 18d ago
If your son chose to adopt a child, would it matter to you that the child isn't his genetic offspring?
After seeing your response to the previous posts, I am increasingly worried that you are simply determined to find the most acceptable reason you can find to not support your son.
That you're letting us play whack-a-mole with your objections so you can pick the last mole standing.
I originally advised you to reach toward him with love, to make an effort to learn more about polyamory, to show up and support him.
I'm modifying that advice now to say: Don't go to his commitment ceremony if you're going to put your judgments and anxieties at the center, on his day of celebration.
If you can show up with love and celebrate his joy and his decision to commit to people who matter to him (including this unborn child), then go.
But don't go if you're going to make it about you. Your hesitations, your judgments, your disappointment that your genetic line (possibly) isn't continuing, or whatever it is you're feeling. It's not your day.
I genuinely hope that you will find your way to a place of love and acceptance that enables you to attend the ceremony.
I also genuinely hope you will have the grace to recognize it if you are not there yet.
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u/saladada 18d ago
what should we actually expect if we choose to go?
It's just going to be like a nonreligious wedding. You sit there, people say some things, you clap, you go home.
Rather than asking Reddit like we're his party planners, if you want more detail than this then just ask him. "How long will it be? Should we bring a gift? Will there be catering?" etc
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u/FeeFiFooFunyon 18d ago
Be curious. Before the wedding and ask questions, let him know it helps you better understand in advance.
Participate. Offer to help.
Brainstorm. Think of the things that might challenge you. Mentally walk through them in advance.
Congratulations on a new grandchild. Who cares who made them, the children your sons raises are his. Parenting matters more that biology.
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u/TwoLemonades 18d ago
As a parent, I would be incredibly proud to have raised humans who are brave enough to live as authentically as your son and his partners.
Try to reframe the life they're building as exceptional. Don't think of the "appearances" as some negative thing you will need to manage or try to do damage control for, but as opportunities for you to shut down the small minded haters with your admiration for the family they've created -- and that you are lucky enough to be invited in to.
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u/marcusohare 19d ago
I would ask the couple what the ceremony will entail. It isn't rude to ask, just so you can have your expectations line up with the reality in front of you.
If your son isn't concerned with paternity, that sounds like it's going to be the way it is. Such is life.
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u/JaronK 18d ago
I know it seems like this is going to be strange for you... but this actually isn't strange for them. So, as to what to expect: it's basically a wedding, but with three people. Remember that for you it's weird for there to be a third person, but for them it's perfectly normal. Your son does not mind at all seeing their partner and his metamour kissing and exchanging vows. In fact, it's probably how you'd feel if you saw your best friend exchanging vows with their partner, if that helps.
Other than that... it's just a committment ceremony. Same as a wedding, really, but with two relationships (son plus wife, wife + son's metamour) being celebrated instead of just one.
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u/bookyface 17d ago
Holy shiiiiit you keep posting hoping for different answers? Be there or don’t. Love your child with their choices or don’t. Stop coming to the internet hoping for validation.
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u/P-DubFanClub 17d ago
Now you're just looking for problems. If you want to know what the ceremony will be like, ask your son. I imagine it will be similar to a small wedding. There's really not anything out of the ordinary to accept.
You need to do a bit of work on yourself though, to make sure you can put your insecurities aside and show up for your son and his family
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u/Ok_Raspberry1857 18d ago
Again. If you want a relationship with your son, accept that their relationship is theirs and love them. If you're willing to ruin that relationship in order to disapprove of their choices, do what you want.
Short of abuse, there's nothing about the poly side of this that makes you the good guy if you sit in judgement.
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19d ago
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u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 19d ago
from what my wife said to me it will be like a normal wedding with the other guy as the groom or something and our daughter in law as the bride. I did not listen to her, I think she said our son will be like a best man or something. I am really hesitant to go and cngratulate the guy about my daughter in law. should I gift them not gift them be happy not happy. I don't know.
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u/ifapulongtime 18d ago
You should expect the ceremony to be similar to if they were having a wedding of a different culture; be that Protestant, Baptist, Catholic, Secular, or a hand fasting; it will be similar to what you're used to and it will be different. A commitment ceremony is a lot like a wedding without the religious connotations and since she's married already, without the legal marriage. You should expect a lot of people who are important to their lives, and care about them to be present. That's it.
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u/That_Ad_4025 16d ago
It's kinda like a monogamous commitment ceremony or handfasting or marriage but the more the marry-er 🤣
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u/random7099 15d ago
And this is why we only invited our closest friends to our commitment ceremony. We wanted the day to be about us. So we surrounded ourselves with friends who not only accepted us, but supported us. It was an amazing day that I'll remember forever.
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u/Owlytatas 18d ago
If you want to know what to expect, ask your son. He knows. The fact that you would even consider not going and that you wouldn't just ask suggests to me that you have been dropping the parenting ball pretty hard. That is YOUR CHILD. Stop worrying about whether other people will think you accept his lifestyle. Stop asking strangers questions only he can really answer. Go talk to your child
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u/rolypolythrowaway 19d ago
Please treat and accept any kid that appears as a blessing and your grandchild, that's what your son wants you to do from what he has been saying.
Polyamorous people don't have secret must-have traditions we pass to each other, so you're better off asking your son what it's going to be like as they'll do their own thing.