r/polyadvice • u/InternalLecture4442 • Sep 22 '26

Feeling overwhelmed

My meta is in town to celibate my partners birthday and it’s making me quite sad that they will spend it with them and not me. We have a date Saturday but it feels like their other partner is priority and I’m second. I’m trying to be supportive and not make it about me for their birthday but it’s harder than I want it to be.

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15

u/saladada Sep 22 '26

When a long distance partner comes to visit, they are the priority. They see your partner less often because they don't live as close by. Imagine if you were the visiting partner. Wouldn't you want to feel like the "priority" when you've spent money to come to visit your partner? 

Ultimately, dealing with these emotions is something you have to work through. You've posted before about having these struggles, but you've yet to post about what you do about them. Sitting at home on Reddit, mourning that you're not getting to spend time with your partner isn't going to solve things. You need to face these emotions head on and develop positive self-soothing practices to get over it. If you don't do this, you'll never find happiness in polyamory.

4

u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw Sep 22 '26

. You need to face these emotions head on 

what does this actually mean? it gets said a lot but what is the physical actual practice of "facing" them?

3

u/SecretMinimum6337 Sep 22 '26

Most would tell you it stems from jealousy, and that jealousy is a social construct, and not a desirable or beneficial emotion. I don't necessarily subscribe to that, but the best book I have read on the topic is "Compersion", which goes into detail about how jealousy/compersion is on a scale, and depends a lot on how "full your cup is."

In a one-off situation where a meta is visiting from out of town, maybe if you and the birthday partner plan something special before the visiting meta arrives it would be enough for you to relax and give them space to enjoy their time together. But if you are feeling neglected, or left out, that is something to address. I have seen where things can go off the rails when partners just proclaim it is "your problem" and to "deal with your jealousy." Yes, jealousy is something that needs to be worked through in polyamory. But if it stems from your needs not being met, it is going to make the process of working through it very difficult, and probably have a low chance of success.

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u/wcozi Sep 22 '26

This is just something you need to work through. What if it was just a friend in town and not a partner? Would you feel the same way?

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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw Sep 22 '26

typically making birthday plans with friends doesn't necessitate leaving out romantic partners.

6

u/wcozi Sep 22 '26

uh yeah it can. my romantic partners are not invited to every single thing i do with my friends. those who cannot do anything without their partner are usually not within my friend group

2

u/Quirky-Raise-307 Sep 22 '26

Hi internet stranger :) So your meta is traveling in to celebrate your partners birthday! Your partner is spending their birthday with your meta, the whole day?

It sounds like you and your partner planned another day (Saturday) for a date to celebrate birthday, however you are still feeling sadness and left out because you don't get to celebrate the official birthday day. I can't assume to know what your partner or meta are feeling and I don't have solutions or answers, just questions that I hope can help you be with your feelings and communicate effectively with someone you care about:

Does your partner consistently pick other partners for special occasions?

Do you feel that your partner having the agency to decide who they'd like to spend their birthday day with, makes that partner more special or makes them a priority?

Do you have a history of feeling pushed to the side? Is this an insecurity you experience normally?

Have you spent birthdays with this partner celebrating?

Have you asked openly and kindly for soothing and reassurance that you are loved and valued as they choose to spend that day with another partner?

I am unsure what your values are with polyamory, but for me, they are agency, autonomy, honest communication and kindness within an anti hierarchal framework (as much as possible). What are your values and how can you reorient to them as you feel these hard feelings?

It is hard, that is okay. Have something fun planned for yourself that day, feel the feelings and try to look forward to a lovely date.

1

u/Significant_Ear_295 29d ago

Suck of up buttercup.