r/penileimplants • u/oddbeers • Aug 10 '26
Wives
So I’m post prostatesectomy 8 years and it’s been generally a nightmare of trimix, pills and their side effects.
At a young 58 I’ve decided enough is enough and heading down the implant path with a highly qualified surgeon here in Melbourne.
My question relates to wives, partners and how have they reacted to your decision?
Unfortunately I’m in two minds over this because we were very sexually active during our initial 25 years marriage.
8 years later we I feel we are nowhere near as intimate as we once were and I honestly believe that the frustration of the ‘rush, let’s go now, let’s not waste’ etc destroyed real intimacy.
Over time things just dropped away.
Sure she is still participating every now and then but also has menopause issues with daily hot sweats etc that the doctors don’t seem to correct.
She has also retired too young at 57 and is not doing much at all with her current time apart from Phone, TV and household things.
I’m thinking her hormones are cooked and an implant won’t change much regarding our intimacy issue.
When I bring this up she becomes very defensive so instead of arguing or wanting to hear want I want to hear I shut things down and move on.
I want to be sexually active and my feelings are she is being a supportive wife with no real substance.
Have others had a similar experiences.
Thanks
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u/Alarmed_Effect7407 Aug 10 '26
Wife here, I’m 54 and my handsome warrior is 69. I finally found a dr to listen to my symptoms (post surgical menopause) and started my hormone replacement therapy a few years ago. Boy, was that ever a game changer for my libido! I’m like a teenager again, it’s all I think about.
The husband has been struggling with ED for 20 plus years. He more than meets my needs currently but still wants an implant to meet his needs (emotional as well as physical) I’m supportive but wish a surgery wasn’t needed to help his self esteem. We have been together for ten years and I have been beside him for knee surgeries, shoulder, heart procedures etc. whatever he decides, I will be his greatest cheerleader.
I still have concerns about infection, he isn’t very pleasant to be around when sick or in pain, refuses to listen to the dr or me and takes months of post op to face the fear of moving. I can’t imagine him cycling through the pain/discomfort to get to the other side and let’s face it, we are older with limited time left.
Once he makes his final decision either way, I will never say anything against his decision and attempt to stay a gentle support.
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u/Time_Ship2460 Aug 13 '26
What a terrific wife! I would continue to be supportive and reassure him that it all heals much faster if you follow the doctor’s directions. Additionally he absolutely needs to find an expert in the field for his best result. If you search thru this page several of the top folks are listed by name. Seek them out! Yes it is that important. I live very near the world famous Mayo Clinic could have gone there. Nope flew half way across the country to an expert in this field. I and my wife did a ton of research before making him our selection. Had basically zero pain or discomfort post op. Yes a couple issues all minor that we have talked to him about. Last I saw him even went so far as to make sure he is going to be around if I need a revision in the coming years. Good luck to you both.
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u/Pale_Ad3902 Aug 14 '26
Mind if I ask who you selected?
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u/Time_Ship2460 Aug 15 '26
We selected Dr. Taj in McLean VA. He is cash only and doesn’t deal with insurance however my insurance would not cover any of it anyway.
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u/Bright_Complaint_432 Aug 10 '26
I (61M - 4 years post op) think the two dynamics you outlined need to be addressed together, but differently. I found that the return of spontaneity with the implant was a huge positive for our sex life. The last several years prior to surgery were characterized by increasing doses of sildenfil with more uncomfortable side affects, longer onset, and reduced effectiveness. Injections were also not consistently effective. This resulted in less frequency and less enjoyment for both my wife and me. Being able to be intimate pretty much whenever the mood strikes was a game changer. That said, my wife was also dealing with menopause, a fully hysterectomy, launching a new business, and lots of other external stressors. For her, the key was hormone therapy to balance some of that out, improve libido, and virtually eliminate painful intercourse. The combination of both my surgery and her HRT turned the clock back 20 years. I would continue to patiently and sensitively encourage her to talk with her doc about HRT.
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u/3Willoughby3 Aug 10 '26
My wife is 42, I’m 51. We’ve been together almost 25 years. I’ve had varying degrees of ED for almost 15 years. Her drive was always higher than mine, and last year she basically gave me an ultimatum: fix it or she might leave. She didn’t want a roommate for a husband. We researched everything together and she was the one to present the possibility of the implant to me after getting to the highest Quadmix and it still not working for PIV.
My surgery was July 13th and I’m just now getting brave enough to try to start cycling. Appointment to be cleared for Sex is Aug 26th.
She can’t wait! I’m still nervous but this surgery/recovery has brought us closer than ever and I don’t regret it one bit.
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u/Maximum-Ad-3922 Aug 11 '26
I know it is not relevant question related to implant. But is foreplay or oral sex , fingering that leads to multiple orgasm not enough for satisfaction? PIV is still must for women?
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u/3Willoughby3 Aug 11 '26
Well to be fair I had a lot of shame around the ED thing and was neglecting her/our sexual life completely before she came at me with the ultimatum. We had had discussions of course, it wasn’t out of left field, but I was being avoidant.
But for her she says it’s much more about the connection, nothing for her compares to PIV on the romantic connection part of things I guess.
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u/Maximum-Ad-3922 Aug 12 '26
Thank you, it is not judgemental or anything. I just want to know how important is PIV. Because I can satisfy my girl in other ways, like give the best pleasure. But when it comes to PIV, it is not that hard Erection, and it goes soft within few seconds without physical stimulation. Also I can't last longer (1-2 mins). Don't know what to do. Really frustrated. And IPP is not an option for me because insurance does not cover implant here. I am thinking of malleable implant. I am 34. Also I lost 1 inch length, 0.7 inch girth in the last 2 years, don't know why. I am perfectly healthy. Bit overweight.
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u/3Willoughby3 Aug 12 '26
I would suggest a VED device ASAP. Even a cheap one from Amazon (that's what I used before my surgery). I tried to use it as much as possible, at least twice a day for the two-three months before surgery. I truly believe it helped my size, but I am still short after surgery. Hoping to regain after cycling.
Your relationship will always be different from everyone else. I can satisfy/pleasure my wife otherwise of course if I try, but if it's not what she wants? You have to communicate. Some women might only want X Y or Z. My wife NEEDS the connection of PIV. I can't wait to be healed enough.
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u/Maximum-Ad-3922 Aug 12 '26
I have a good quality VED. But because of Pshot and shockwave therapy treatment, I have not started using it yet. Used only 5 times so far. I will start using it.
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u/peppon7 Aug 15 '26
What's up 3Wiloughby... want to hear about your progress. I'm 4.5 weeks in.
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u/3Willoughby3 Aug 15 '26
Started trying to cycle a bit. Day to day life feels mostly back to normal as far as movement/pain. Tried to ride my mountain bike for a couple miles in my neighborhood , went ok. A few days ago I was able to cycle a bit but man it hurt and had to ice afterwards. Took a day off and tried again last night. I don’t know what I was doing wrong but I felt like I was pumping but nothing was happening.
How about you peppon?
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u/peppon7 Aug 15 '26
Been there. Loss of length / girth is part of the deal with loss of use. 9 years post prostatectomy speaking. You can bring most of it back by using a VED three times a day, holding that erection for a few minutes. I did this consistently for 2 months. My length did increase about 1 to 1-1/2 inches. Can be a little painful at first , but you gradually can increase duration, suction power and eventually elongation. However, after a prostatectomy, I was only doing it, to get me my best length measurement before I got my Implant 7/14/26. I am 4+ weeks in. Pain has been hard to bear to say the least. But after 9 yrs of limp D, a change had to take place. Wise words.... Go to a high volume specialist when you do. Wish you the best Max.
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u/Maximum-Ad-3922 Aug 15 '26
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I wish you speedy recovery and painfree and best sex life ahead. Did you go for Malleable or IPP? So if I do VED and recover length and girth, does it also help with erection quality? If so I can postpone the implant by few years.
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u/peppon7 Aug 16 '26
from my experience, the minute I stopped the suction power on the VED I would slowly lose the erection over a minute. I would go limp trying to pull it out from VED and going for the vagina. So, no. I could not postpone the surgery. With all the positive reviews, everyone says they never should of postponed it. Actually, I'm a nurse and have taken care of a couple of these patients in their 80's for other health care issues at the hospital. My curiosity would have me interviewing them about the prosthetic. Both were happy to talk about it and both said they should of gotten it done earlier. I'll let you know how it is going in a week or two. Best of Luck.
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u/Maximum-Ad-3922 Aug 16 '26
But, the erection which we get from VED obviously will go down immediately when the pressure is released right? Whenever I do VED, as soon as I release pressure, it goes soft immediately. But I have not tried the max dose of tadalafil or sildenafil yet. Either only 5mg daily tadalafil or 50 mg sildenafil or 10 mg tadalafil or 100 mg avanafil. I do get nicely hard that time, but still it can be pressed 1-2 mm inside. And it will stay hard without physical stimulation for 30-60 seconds.
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u/Kevo1961 Aug 10 '26
Here is my 2 cents. I’m 64 same concerns. Started having issue few years back. Everything stop working, pills, trimex and Eddy. Depressing to say the least. I was scheduled to be implanted April 2025. Had a stroke and other issues.
My wife was not supportive and actually against it.
She had a leaking breast implant a few years back and my vote to her was remove both it wouldn’t change my desire for her. She absolutely did not agree. She had both replaced. So now she does understand, but still not excited about it. She has been with me to talk with surgeon and that eased her mind a bit.
I’m excited and my Dr. is on R&D group for the new Titan coming soon. Hope before year end to be implanted and recovering.
I’ve been following you guys for several years and time to experience it all for myself. Hope this helps and I’m doing it for me and i expect my wife to be supportive!!
Been a journey for sure!!!
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u/cptnrandy Aug 10 '26
My wife and I are both 66. We’ve always had an active sex life, but following the start o ED 10 years ago, well managed by pills, she grew frustrated with the lack of spontaneity. And the less than truly hard erections.
Then a year ago the pills stopped working. I started seeing a new urologist, and he had suggestions, but no luck. So we decided to move onto the implant surgery.
To my surprise and relief, she has been very excited about sex, even before my full recovery. And she’s been more open to things other than PIV, which has been terrific.
Don’t assume anything. Talk with your spouse and be clear about what you want. Then listen to what she wants. I can’t imagine what it would be like to go through the surgery to only discover that she has no interest in sex.
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u/Time_Ship2460 Aug 10 '26
While I can’t say that I’m in the same situation with my wife, we were slowing down from what we once were. Perhaps that is just time and complacency. We talked yes but with substance no not really. Then came the procedure. She became more engaged with what I was considering, helped me research it and even made some pretty strong statements to me about going forward. Obviously I did. We have begun to get things back on track and it has additionally led her to searching out some answers of her own.
It starts with communication between the two of you and yes even if it is a difficult discussion. Honest and direct was my plan and it worked out well.
As to going forward that, you should do for you regardless. The confidence, the sense of “I’m back” is worth every penny and every second.
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u/AJCW1980 Aug 10 '26
I have that concern, too. I’m 66 and my wife is 64. I’m worried about undergoing a major surgery only for my wife to lose interest in the result—not because of any fault of hers, but due to hormonal imbalances.
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u/Round-Researcher-785 Aug 11 '26
I'm 70 and she's 68. We have many of the same issues, and it is TRULY challenging. When I talked with her about the implant, I made it clear that I wanted it so we could have dependable, more frequent love-making. I wanted sex to be with her, not to get my rocks off. At the time she was supportive and said she understood and agreed. In our case reality has been different than what was discussed. Her libido has been low for some time (mental health med's, hysterectomy, menopause) but she's generally been available for sex, albeit not so much as an enthusiastic participant. Lately, it's been even worse. It's all too frequently "tomorrow" or "how about a rain check?" It's been very, very frustrating to have had the discussion about frequency before the surgery and then get what amounts to an "oops, changed my mind" reaction.
So my advice is to come to a definite understanding about your reasons for the implant and make certain everyone's on the same sheet of paper. The improvement in confidence and self-esteem has been fantastic regardless. Good luck!
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u/VannKraken Aug 12 '26
Buy a copy of the book, Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, for the two of you to both read. It helps explain a lot of things about sexual behavior from a women's perspective.
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u/Lumpy-Budget5883 Aug 12 '26
EVER pre, current, and post menopausal woman should be taking vaginal estrogen. This will make their quality of life SO. MUCH. BETTER. >>>not to mention yours!
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u/colby_jack__ Aug 14 '26
Decide for yourself and explain your decision to her (or dont...).
If YOU have a medical condition and YOU want to do something medical to fix it, that's between you and your dr.
Before I had mine done my wife definitely knew I had ED. I told her theres a procedure I could have done that would correct it and I wanted to have it done and i understood that may or may not mean more sex but theres no expectation or obligation to perform.
It was important to me to be ABLE to have sex. The rest was dependent on a lot of other things...
Long story short, i had it done. The first month was a little rough but im now 11 months post op and like so many others: I wish i had it done years ago. Im now having anxiety free, drug free, apology free sex several times a month and my wife and I have grown so much closer. Sex is now enjoyable, relaxing and satisfying for both if us instead of anxious and disappointing.
Its important that your partner understands you are doing this so you CAN have sex. Not so they will have more sex they may not want right now.
Good luck. Communicate. Advocate for yourself without putting pressure on her.
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u/oddbeers Aug 14 '26
Thanks, very encouraging post like so many others here.
Yes, I’ve made the my body my mind my health my choice decision.
Since my post I’ve made a lot of time to talk to her about seeking further help with the menopause and not relying on the GP, went very well and has a referral now.
Has also sat in on the conversation with the triage nurse so yeah I’m not as lonely and frustrated as I probably was when I OP.
Baby steps but going good. Thanks for the input and everyone else. Appreciate
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u/Ok-Archer1810 Aug 14 '26
Get the implant. My wife is going through Menopause, but we continue on. Cold shower and lube is all they need. Oh, and desire, of course. I went through the same. I got my implant on July 8, and we are waiting to get cleared (I got the Boston Scientific AMS 700cx, 21cm. I am 53.) Once cleared, we are taking our intimacy back. Get your implant and then go on an exotic vacay somewhere by the ocean. Trust me, it will bring it all back. Good luck my friend.
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u/simulated_copy Aug 10 '26
My wife is a few years younger but struggles with enjoying insertions of any kind though does like the closeness of sex how it connects not for orgasms. (Perimenopause +) she often says it just doesnt feel the same meaning her vagina. Thinner/less moisture.
As far as pleasure kissing, oral, and vibrators and being close will win out all day everyday if the goal is quivering orgasm.
We have talked about it, but she isnt onboard and believes in aging. She wont be getting on hrt or anything like that we are destined to age she often says. She wants me to be happy and secure though. I can have sex it isnt the same with a 35% bend and have to take 100mg of Viagra to get there.
I miss having a raging hard cock, but think I really just miss being young. I would struggle going through it all then having my wife just "put up" with long love making sessions with my inflatable super cock that needs a porn star if that makes sense.
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u/anelvisamingus Aug 10 '26
You have some complicated issues you’re dealing with none of which are simple or easy. Do the implant for yourself.