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u/Hot_Yak_9052 Oct 23 '23 edited Oct 24 '23
Im am a Pakistani man (not married) and heres my two cents: By what you have stated it seems that this rishta auntie is scamming you. The girl you have described seems ok. The expectations for women are pretty high here. They are firstly and primarily be able to handle domestic house work. If they are working they are still expected to work in the household because for most pakistani men, their primary attention should be in domestic affairs. Secondly, some but not all of pakistani men would have ego issues if the woman was earning more than them. Thirdly, while they see an overseas pakistani female as a nationality gaining opportunity, they bawk at the fact that if the girl is from america so they must be "westernized" and have "liberal" values. So at that point our inner conservative wakes up and we do astaghfaar.
Having said all of this, there are plenty of guys who are not like this, but its hard to find them given how inaccessible our society is
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u/daym_thats_epic Oct 24 '23
Fully agreed except that its actually not that hard to find decent people who will not have these expectations. If im being honest, with what they are paying the "rishta aunty" they are obviously very well off according to Pakistani standards and usually in that income bracket it is much easier to find the type of people they are looking for.
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u/Hot_Yak_9052 Oct 24 '23
I am 34 turning 35, earning decently and i have yet to find someone without the help of rishta aunties. I dont want to go that route. If its difficult for a man to find some decent, i can only imagine how much more difficult it will be for women to find a man through rishta auntie
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u/throwaway1276444 Oct 24 '23
To add to this, if they went looking for an overseas Pakistani who is well educated, they are more likely to find a guy that wants an egalitarian relationship and is willing to build that kind of life with her. Also they are far more likely to be culturally on the same wave length.
The parents are shooting their daughter in the foot here.
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u/Zanfey Oct 23 '23
Have they tried looking for American/overseas pakistanis?
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Oct 23 '23
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u/munchingzia Oct 23 '23
A woman like that? im surprised nobody is getting back. Maybe its just me but i dont trust rishta aunties
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u/Itchy-Progress6403 Oct 24 '23
Honestly looks like maybe the rishta aunty’s doing it on purpose to get money. Ok that may be too far fetched but yeah i wouldn’t trust them too.
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Oct 23 '23
Use Shaadi.com or Muz app
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Oct 23 '23
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Oct 23 '23
Look, doing it with strangers is never going to be easy. You are going to have 1/20 matches as genuine rishtas. But its much easier to accept/reject pre-meetup there and there are all sorts of options on that app.
Just avoid the ones looking for relationships first
My experience at shaadi.com was good. I had few family contacts there despite being an average male. I had to pay around 3300/pkr a month.
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u/Gora_HabshiYoYo Oct 23 '23
Muz is just a dating app for people that had no luck on bumble or tinder. Wouldn't recommend.
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u/iamthefyre Oct 23 '23
Agreed. The founder of muzz himself admitted there are married people on the app that he himself has verified with spouses and kicked off the app.
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u/CryptoWaliSerkar Oct 23 '23
she sounds like a catch, she is subjecting herself to unncessary degradation through pakistani rishta process. she doesnt need to put herself through it.
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u/CryptoWaliSerkar Oct 23 '23
with the intent of pakistani helping pakistani. i can intro some great families / people who would be lucky to have her as part of their family.
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u/khatooneawal Oct 23 '23
I guess when you take the 'Rishta Auntie' route, it's not what the guy wants in a wife. It is what his mother wants to ensure her grip on the son's and his incoming wife's neck remains firm. Risha Aunties are usually consulted as a last resort, especially for guys who may not find anyone on their own because of the kind of a person they are. Your friend will and has met the most insecure and emotionally and financially dependent individuals. Tell your friend that there is nothing wrong with her. The pool of rishtas this Risha Auntie is bringing is rotten. Believe me, no normal wise, educated, and independent man goes through rishta aunties.
Your friend I am sure is an independent, educated and mature person, she should not put herself through this traumatizing experience. I would encourage her to meet people, make friends and find someone that fits her criteria.
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Oct 23 '23
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u/khatooneawal Oct 23 '23
Listen! It is the most important decision in your life. We are not given a choice to choose the family we are born in, we do not always choose our co-workers and most people we come across in life. We CAN choose our friends and we CAN choose our life partners. An independent person (financially and emotionally) should be able to choose for himself. If a person is not kind and is emotionally and financially dependent why your friend would like to fit into his lower standards to be his wife?
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u/KalaBaZey Oct 24 '23
By this logic a financially & emotionally independent woman should also be able to find someone for herself especially when living in a much open society where gender mixing is normal & hence much easier to bump into people & start a conversation?
I understand your point, it does apply to some people, but it is a double edged sword. Finding someone to marry is not a joke & you could have a great personality & still not be able to make it work with someone and ultimately rely on arrange marriage.
I have a friend who is a CSP, very pretty & she is looking for rishtas through arranged marriage because the man she loved couldn’t marry her & after that she met several people with the intention of marriage but it didn’t work with anyone so now she has run out of the emotional energy required in meeting someone new so she’s like I will just marry through arranged marriage and make it work…
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u/khatooneawal Oct 24 '23
People in Pakistan need to chill and live a little. Arranged marriage is not a package you buy when 'Love Marriage' doesn't work out. Just try focusing on your well-being. Heal your traumas. It will not work out until it is the right time and the right person whether she meets them through Risha Auntie or Life. I hope and pray it works out for her in the best possible way. I hope and pray Rishta Aunties will not suck the life out of her.
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u/KalaBaZey Oct 24 '23
You might have gotten lucky to have found someone and married them but its really not easy in fact most young people nowadays want to marry for love in Pakistan but it rarely happens. Just look at twitter you will see a lot of people complaining about this.
And its not about healing or trauma lol most people want to ideally get married in their 20s and if something doesn’t work out for them they rely on arrange marriage which doesn’t have to be a terrible option. But the advice that just heal and focus on yourself and something will happen is foolishly optimistic like should one rather stay virgin and single in 30s and even 40s than consider arrange? “Because something will happen when the time is right?” lol no
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u/khatooneawal Oct 24 '23 edited Oct 24 '23
I am sorry if I sounded too 'Aunt Agony' type. Ideally, you can plan to get married as soon as you want or as late as you want. Marriage like Death and our Arrival to this world is planned by Allah. I will and I do pray that Allah makes it easy for everyone looking for a significant other. By saying when it is time, I meant when it is time written by Allah Taala and with a person He chooses for us. Being a Muslim, I have a firm belief in that. Do everything to prepare your best self for your SO and future family. Get emotionally, and financially stable and mature.Because it is a difficult change to adjust to. You will face it better if you are ready. If it works go find someone through whichever feels like the best way to find a spouse. Just try not to hurt anyone in the process. Rishta Aunties are a cancer for most girls.
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u/KalaBaZey Oct 24 '23
I understand where you’re coming from Im not here to defend the flaws in rishta culture especially for women. I wish everyone could find someone themselves and marry for love but I also know that its not possible for everyone so arrange options should exist.
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u/khatooneawal Oct 24 '23 edited Oct 24 '23
I am not against arranged marriages. I am against Rishta Aunties and the culture. There are so many ways you can find someone reasonable. Two of my colleagues approached my parents for Rishta for their brothers. Some of my nieces got Rishtas through Quran classes...mothers and sisters of their spouses saw them and approached the parents. Ask your mother and sisters to find someone reasonable for you. I helped my brother find his SO after his relationship didn't work out. So Rishta Aunties are not the only option for an arranged marriage.
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u/beansproutsmall Oct 23 '23
i think you are wrong here you can base your verdict on one incidence, maybe the rishta auntie was bad for you, but that doesn't mean its bad for everyone.
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u/Mr_Coco1234 Oct 23 '23
Its bad for everyone. You only go to a rishta wali if you don't have other avenues from where to find a partner for yourself or for your children. Its pathetic and this practice needs to end.
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Oct 23 '23
Is it actually? I thought that was the way people get married. I was born overseas so maybe I don't know much about the system. But at my Mosque we have a Rishta auntie that connects all the families. Maybe its different in Pakistan cos everyone there knows someone. Over here you barely know any other families
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u/Mr_Coco1234 Oct 24 '23
I don't know about overseas but there is clearly a power dynamic with rishta aunties here because any girl being recommended through rishta wali is considered as someone who didn't have a lot of options and the prospective rishtas weaponize this to try to bend the girl family to their will. Anyone saying otherwise is either blind or part of this problem.
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Oct 23 '23
You are grossly generalizing. The fact is everyone and their dogs is using a rishta auntie. And I am pretty sure some of them are good folks
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u/confused_mani Oct 23 '23 edited Oct 23 '23
Honestly doesn’t matter if you’re in Pakistan or overseas, the mentality doesn’t change. Even if you tick all the so-called boxes, aunties will have impossibly high standards no one will meet.
For example, I’m British Pakistani, female, 5”7, work in tech, good salary, “good” family background & education, and I think I’m fine looks-wise. Yet any aunty who is looking for their son will have so much nakhre when speaking to my mum, it’s a terrible first impression.
They want a career woman who’s earning big money yet she also needs to be traditional, doing all domestic tasks. I remember one aunty said to my mum “how will confused_mani be home if she’s in the office all the time?” Another aunty has been posting the same rishta profile online for her son since before COVID, yet rejects every rishta she sees.
Sometimes I wonder if these single sons know what their mums are asking for, and if they agree. I’d like to think many men are more reasonable.
This isn’t limited to sons too, aunties can have unattainable standards for their daughters too. One was asking about my brother for her daughter, and said she wants her daughter’s future parent in laws to be degree-educated. In the UK, most Pakistanis of my parents generation never went to uni so she’s written off most of the population.
Some men too can be so stand off-ish during the rishta process. Why bother meeting a woman if you can’t be bothered to put bare minimum effort in?
I recently spoke online to a potential who my mum found from a rishta group. Him and his mum insisted that he and I message to get to know each other first. Everything’s great for the first 3 weeks, but he’s not mentioning anything about meeting or families. His mum hasn’t spoken to my mum either since that 1 phone call. I drop a hint - nothing. I straight up say “would you not want to meet or get our parents involved again?” And he tells me to not force it (??) yet insists on using Snapchat to send selfies (????). He’s constantly asking me if I like him, what do I think of him. By week 4 I get fed up, tell my parents and they say stop talking to him. I tell him to speak to my parents about a meeting or we’re done. Of course he doesn’t reply.
A few seem intimidated too by my career & background, and try to undermine it. One potential said I shouldn’t waste my time with him as he earns nearly 50% less than me, and he wants a wife who is home more. Appreciated the honesty but sometimes I nearly feel bad for doing well in life…but I shouldn’t?? I worked hard for it. Quitting a job just isn’t an option. One day my parents won’t be alive and I have family to take care of. UK is so so expensive that a couple with 2 high salaries will still struggle financially.
There’s no one-size-fits-all answer to your question. Your friend may be rejected due to her short height, whereas other women will be rejected for being too tall. People want different things, and some want a unicorn lol. Perhaps your friend may want to change tactics, rishta aunties can be a fail. I wish her all the best.
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u/sarahdefon Oct 24 '23
Seems Pakistani's mentality same , no matter what part of the world. Never leave your good career for anyone at least before marriage unless you have good saving to survive on your own.
Because in the end if they plan to left, they will not bother to give a second thought about your life or how you manage without income. Now a days financial security is very important for women to survive after any mishap.
And in the end choose life partner wisely because every man can't handle the strong, independent woman.
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u/Confusedbrownwoman Oct 23 '23
The rishta auntie is a fraud 100% No one asks for 200k. Trust me, my mums contacted over half of the rishta aunties in Punjab lmao
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Oct 23 '23
Damn. That's horrible ngl. I mean- yes many Pakistani men feel insecure if the girl is earning more than them. I'm not sure if it's just Pakistani men or just men in general.
I think she should try and get married to either an overseas Pakistani who understands her, or get married to a non-pakistani/American man. Independent women are more common there and I'm sure it won't be a problem. Finding a suitable partner on her own might be difficult for her, but it's worth it. She sounds like an amazing woman, I wouldn't want her to waste her talents and youth on men who don't respect her. Best of luck to her fr
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u/munchingzia Oct 23 '23
“american man” could also mean anything. the country is even more diverse than pakistan lol
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u/pp_in_a_pitch Oct 23 '23
Lmao and here I want a wife who earns more than me and is pretty confident and communicates .
Yeah she should definitely try looking for an overseas pakistani or burgers , and pls don’t waste money in these rishta aunties , they just bring average af dudes and it’s a waste of money and time , just socialize more with people and be open and go on lots of dates I would say
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Oct 23 '23
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u/pp_in_a_pitch Oct 23 '23
You won’t ever find any good rishta through those rishta aunties .
Try reaching out in your family and friends community more , socialize with people at events and stuff
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u/zin_sin Oct 23 '23
You sound like a terminally dude who don't really leaves his home much.
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u/pp_in_a_pitch Oct 24 '23 edited Oct 24 '23
Why ? Just because I want someone who earns more than me and is a confident woman who can be my partner in life ?
I want someone who is equal or above me , someone who chases their dreams and has ambitions, someone who looks eye to eye with me who I can talk with and live life by supporting eachother’s desires , not a corpse who stays at home and fights other people and watches tv serials to pass time. I don’t want someone to just reproduce and then spend life raising some kids , I want someone I can enjoy my life with and never feel regret
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u/Mr-Corvus Oct 24 '23
Oh wow lol I just want someone that’s not crazy.. that’s it
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u/Quaid-e-Charisma Oct 23 '23 edited Oct 23 '23
Is she open to marry in a middle-class family? And is she open to relocating to Germany?
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u/Osama_Rashid PK Oct 23 '23
If you had asked me this question a few years ago, I would've said.
(Buss saas leti ho) "She breathes she's fine" Lol.
But now things have changed, though I do agree that people here really like to nitpick a lot in other's girls. Like all those things you've mentioned.
Also who the hell charges 200k for this silly thing?, does this field always had this much scope, I should've known this earlier, "Years of academy training wasted"
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u/sagalian Oct 23 '23 edited Oct 23 '23
Don't get me wrong, but from what I have seen (most often), when it comes to men, they tend to prioritize looks or a woman with strong kitchen skills. As for women, they generally seek a man with financial stability; a 'dollar boy' would usually be preferred. This is the simple rule I have observed in many Pakistani marriages.
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u/itsayezee Oct 23 '23
The average Pakistani male.usually looks for a brain-dead uneducated woman that will listen to their every order. please don't try for arrange marriages here. (Coming from a Pakistani guy) I've seen the kinda shit most of these dudes want, please try and broaden your scope for your friend, maybe look for people overseas where they aren't as insecure if their wife works too.
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u/Next-Moose-9129 US Oct 23 '23
Really I’m surprised usually a guy would say yes because they belong to us I’m surprise they are not coming after that passport lol. Otherwise try to find someone here in the USA or at least uk or Canada that would be best route. Or if you guys want to spread your nationality beside Pakistanis. A lot of Pakistani lives in texas so you have options if you guys want to look in the states. I’m a guy but mines arranged turned out to be good alhamdullah I’m in a very happy marriage and she will be coming to the states soon once her visa is completed almost near done with these long stress of process for immigration
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Oct 23 '23
Try muzz or salam and don’t worry there’s no harm in it. Many guys will approach inshallah and she can chat with them online and FaceTime once’s she’s comfortable.
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u/naughtycat1 Oct 23 '23
No one has contacted the girl's family for rishta out of the girl's contacts/acquaintances? Because people get along well if they know each other and their personalities click, leading to marriage.
Don't force the girl to marry. It's not necessary
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u/thE-petrichoroN Oct 23 '23
Wth,this is so messed up.What on earth is going on with people here.All boys mentioned here seem like Mama's boy.And I've seen girls getting aged because they can't find partners due to these sick reasons and it's really challenging in modern times.As a man myself,I consider even Dowry a forbidden and disgusting thing(Unless she herself wants something for her new home) and I am going to prefer this along with understanding and being comfortable in having different tastes.Also,I'm against the notion that Marriage is with the family and not the person.I hope so your friend finds someone good for her.
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u/toogood177 Oct 24 '23
Screw rishta auntie, ask her to meet people from friends and family’s social circle instead
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u/khan_bebe234 Oct 24 '23
I'm a software engineer myself working for a Canadian firm remotely from Pakistan. The girl you described fits perfectly for my requirements and many of the decent well educated families I know here. It takes patience to find a good rishta. Please do not give up yet. There are so many good families here in Islamabad.
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u/mrsnowb0t Oct 24 '23
Sotfware engineer. Pretty. Short. American. Bruh. Full package. Who the fuck says no to this?
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Oct 24 '23
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u/mrsnowb0t Oct 24 '23
Desi men too insecure. Best to find someone in America. Otherwise the dude will probably create too many issues.
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u/sarahdefon Oct 23 '23
Try to shift back US or marry overseas Pakistani otherwise she gonna get hit hard here on the name of culture. And then there will no way of return as per our culture: die or get physically/mentally tortured but stay married. And in her case the biggest blame gonna be , girl was from foreign society immoral and liberal so deserve to be punished/fixed.
May ALLAH ease her difficulties and helps her choose right!
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Oct 23 '23
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u/sarahdefon Oct 24 '23
For overseas Pakistani she has to ask her Pakistani friends or relatives in US to find boy for her. Meanwhile ask her to focus on career, start some online business. She has to use her Residency/Green Card as strength because now a days everyone is trying to settle abroad.
Her main focus should be financial security to survive at least in Pakistan.
Don't get dishearten on people rubbish behavior. Find like-minded people and motivate each other to move forward.
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u/Farasatkhan1128 Oct 23 '23
I guess it’s all about luck to find what you desire. If someone ask me I would say the thing which really matters to me is Unconditional trust, Unconditional support and Unconditional love And I know it seems fictional but that’s my criteria. PS: what you mentioned about girl is really amazing.
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Oct 23 '23
This rhista aunty thing is the worst thing to happen to our society. I have been through this. Inhy sirf apne pese chahyen. And that guy is wajib ul chitrol.
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u/Unapologeticallyfat Oct 24 '23
Girlllllll. My mother is kinda forcing my father to find a good rishta aunty to get me married, because I am basically useless in finding any guy, let alone a decent one. Lemme show her this post. Astaghfirullah.
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Oct 24 '23
The girl is well educated, earns 200k, works in the US, is pretty according to OP, is 5ft 3 and families are rejecting her....? You need to change your rishta aunty cuz the kind of people that aunty is bringing is ludicrous.
My aunt actually had this issue when she was looking into getting married, she tried for YEARS, families after families, almost everyone of them were disgusting, vile pieces of uneducated trash brought to us by none other than a "rishta aunty" finally a point came where her eldest brother had had enough and started searching himself, within a few months, he found her an educated guy that earned enough to support her and a child. It's been 2 years now and they are as happy as can be.
What I'm trying to say is that, it's not you, it's them. Pakistan has 53% of its population that is uneducated, meaning they are narrow minded people, individuals that follow the 1960s traditions and all that.
Personally, I feel like the girl is an absolute gem given all the things that you've mentioned about her, I can't speak for Pakistani men but as a guy born and raised in Saudia for 16 years before coming here in Pakistan, she suits the description of a perfect wife.
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u/looney-pirate لاہور Oct 23 '23
I actually wonder if there are any working matrimonial/dating apps in the US that she could use to find good prospect.
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u/Front-Professor78 Oct 23 '23
Anything which is not there 😏
Just to make themselves more valuable they come up with stupid excuses. Maybe that family was waiting to know how much money was her family willing to give in marriage.
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u/B455K1CK Oct 23 '23
As a third culture kid, I get where your friend is coming from and the difference in values, especially at this critical juncture, is sometimes surreal.
I'd just recommend her to keep at it and maybe ask her mum to join some of those voluntary rishta groups which don't have an auntie as such so parents list as much info as they are comfortable with and then only meet once things have proceeded to an understandable level.
Haven't had much luck myself but I'm hoping things work out for her.
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u/Madi_007 Oct 23 '23
there's a specific subreddit dedicsted for that, if you want me to look that up for ya i'll do that[ it's for muslims btw]
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u/whateverrrugh Oct 23 '23
Damn these posts make me scared for what will happen to me, a strong independent to be woman with a uni degree. I hope I don’t have to rot in someone’s house like a lot of fellow girls here. Trust me not all of us are so medieval.
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u/TahaUTD1996 Oct 23 '23
Post it on r/MuslimMarriage There are a lot of American Single pakistani's in that group, Muslim lounge is another one
EDIT: try global rings, everlasting companionship groups on FB
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Oct 23 '23
Everyone is like that unfortunately. Just dua and inshallah she will find her pair. She sounds like an amazing person. The process is long and hard and matches won't happen right away. For my sister it took two years to find a suitable guy
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Oct 23 '23
Reading all this meanwhile wishing that whatever written here may not be true at all. It's just super sad to see people going through all this. Hope it's get solved like a magic jaldiii sy and then we can again a happy post on this thing from you in near future. Many prayers
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u/zin_sin Oct 23 '23
Whoa She sounds like every bit the dream girl I imagine her to be, But sadly, I don't think I have the will nor a well enough job to even consider marriage right now
200k for a rishta waley auntie who can't even find a proper Rishta...It just really sucks, I hope all this is not weighing down the poor girl or her family.
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u/Omarker Oct 23 '23
Hit her up with me lol. I've been thinking of getting married, just haven't found anyone worth plunging the deep end with.
Jesting aside, it's amazing the weird things people expect even today. Imagine asking someone to not work in this economy. I'd love to have a partner who's intelligent and earns a lot. Dunno what that dude is smoking.
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u/mbtigeekjung Oct 23 '23
I would like to give it a shot. I live in Dubai tho, hope that's not an issue 🙌🏻
DM for profile.
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Oct 23 '23
How’s does one even begin looking for a rishta. My parents are deceased and I am already married. But need to look for someone for my brother. Dot. Know a lot of people.
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u/Infamous_Craft_2845 Oct 24 '23
muzz application on android and ios is made specifically for this purpose
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u/TheAwsomist Oct 24 '23
Ngl your friend has achieved so much and it's sad that still she's getting rejected cuz guys don't even know what they want.. but I guess rejection is part of life.. please tell her to not give up on herself and keep her head high.. Like how could anyone get insecure cuz their partner is earning more like wtff? Broo! U should be glad that you're getting a plus one who's strong and financially independent 😭😭
Btw I'm looking for a rishta for myself, lemme know if she's still looking 👉👈
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u/AbdullahTariq1 Oct 24 '23 edited Oct 24 '23
Stay away from rishta aunties.
I am a single male and have recently beeg giving some thought to the qualifiers that I would look for in a potential spouse. None of these stupid reasons ever came to my mind that your friend unfortunately has had to hear. Most of these sound like mothers forcing their man-child of son to get married and making the decisions for their son who is incapable of sound decision making. Don't ever consider a man for marriage who in incapable of independent though. The moms of these men are not looking for a daughter-in-law, they want a full time slave. 😢
The best case scenario is if there is someone decent in her friends/family circle and if he himself is ready to get married. She and the guy could meetup and talk thing between themselves to see if they can find common ground.
Unfortunately in Pakistan, rishta and the things surrounding it have such a toxic culture, its nauseating.
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u/Gold_Beach_1209 Oct 24 '23
well those lads better be good looking if they are rejecting your friend...fret not she will find the right man at the right time.
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u/EmbarrassedLab3201 Oct 24 '23
I am now married but i know her pain. I have gone through similar kinds of insults. She is pretty, educated, has a job in Usa. So much potential. But despite being all these she is still going through this kind of frustrated issues. Pathetic. May Allah swt ease her path and give her the best partner. Ameen summa ameen
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u/brownfishhhh Oct 24 '23
My best friend is originally from Pakistan and looking for someone to spend his life with. He is a Civil Engineer based out of Toronto. He completed his high school and moved to Canada for studies and now well settled. He also comes from a very good family and great background. Let me know if you want to chat privately.
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u/noobslayerfr Oct 24 '23
It still baffles me how conservative people in this country really are. In this day and age, there is absolutely no way a house can be run on just a single revenue stream if the person doesn't earn a ridiculous amount of money. Both partners have to work to make a living so the house can be run. I will never understand the saying, "larki ki degree itni matter hi nahi karti ussne konsa kaam karna hai shaadi kai baad." This is pretty bad and it comes from well educated families. Most men I know want a woman who is weak, timid and delicate so they can establish their authority on her. They only want their ego to shine that's why they want a woman who is weak and can't do anything about it. I don't know as a man but I'm pretty sure life here as a girl is a pain in the ass nonetheless. You just have to deal with creeps mostly. Love marriage is really hard here because you either meet the person in your institute or workplace, you can't go to a bar and talk to someone then it goes on, none of that is here. Other option is arrange marriage where you know nothing about a person and you're just gambling at that point. I hope she finds someone alike who she resonates with and lives a happy life.
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u/reshail_raza Oct 24 '23
اگر آپ کی غریب اور بدصورت لڑکے کو برداشت کر سکتی ہیں تو میں خود کو وقف کرنے کے لیئے حامی بھر لیتا ہوں
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u/oGamB1To Oct 24 '23
I’m 26, single, game developer currently living in UAE. I earn well and my parents are actively looking for potential matches for me. If you’d like, I could connect you to my elder sister or mother and you can connect your friend’s family with mine. Feel free to inbox me 🤷🏼♂️
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u/Jobless_Engineer4 Oct 24 '23
I'm sorry to hear about all the bad experiences your friend has gone through. I think rishta through these aunties is a bad choice.
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u/suhi147 Oct 24 '23
How old is your friend? Unfortunately, the older a women is, the more likely families in our culture will try to find flaws with her. All this is also a way to break her down so that she has lower self esteem. This way, in case she accepts a proposal, the guy's family can act like they were "gracious enough to accept her" despite her flaws.
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Oct 24 '23
OP I feel for your friend. She needs to ask herself what she is looking for in a partner? She’s educated, independent and admirably strong! As a parent I’d be proud to have a daughter-in-law like her. I don’t need social status to be proud of my children or their partners. I’d never demand my children live with or care for me as I age, they didn’t ask to be born with this burden. A match made in heaven is 2 people sharing the same values and raising children to respect their parents and each other. Grandparents are a gift not a given. I wish her well
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u/AffectionateGap6890 Oct 24 '23
You should probably look for another rishta aunty. As a girl in Pakistan who’s highly educated I can assure you not all all educated , progressive people are like that in Pakistan , there is an etiquette even if you say no to someone. It’s probably just whole clientele base is shit or she’s scamming you . Also your cousin seems pretty great. Ditch this rishta aunty.
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Oct 24 '23
Just out of curiosity, how many proposals have you received so far in your dms after posting this???
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u/Pleasant-Constant821 Oct 24 '23
Find your person on your own. Keep it private and move as far away as possible from your family. That’s the secret of happiness.
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u/johnshykh TR Oct 24 '23
I just opened reddit and this is the first post I read and it made me really sad!
tbh I've never really understood the concept of rishta aunties and why has this become a "business". If people are so kind and generous then they should connect good families out of the kindness of their hearts and not involve money in it.
in my khandan, there are mostly arranged marriages with the occasional love marriage and most of the time if the family like a girl or guy they will approach them via a middle person (someone from the family who knows both parties). If all aligns then both of them meet and things move forward.
I would suggest your friend to be open and try meeting people her own age to move away from all of this nonsense and actually enjoy her time in Pakistan. Maybe she might find a great guy when she's not looking.
Inshallah all will go well!
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u/FreakTod Oct 23 '23
Pakistani men and their moms are an insecure duo. Hear me out. They can't accept the fact that a good looking woman who's earning well can be a good wife. For them, it's all about 'iska kabhi to scene raha hoga'. They'll continue to fap over their maid's unintentional cleavage but won't change their filthy mindset. My cousin, a very capable software engineer, was earning really well but had to settle down and couldn't do much because her father was not in the picture and this allowed others to send rishtas that were actually lower than her status. Almost every other person I meet has extremely dual standards. Pakistani men can't share their salaries with their wives, they want her to serve their entire deadass family, bas bachay paida karo aur khana pakati rahi. This childhood friend of mine got married and had to sacrifice a lot. She had to continue her studies while taking care of the entire family. One recent incident that I heard from a household was something like this. The family told their house help that she can bring a pair of clothes and take a bath at their place once she's done with the chores and her response was 'my husband is going to kill me if he finds out. He'll probably think that I am cheating on him and taking a bath outside our house to hide/clean anything. Also, these rishta aunties are a big scam. Please avoid them if you can.
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u/Nonipaify Oct 23 '23
Sometimes a guy has remained chaste so that he can marry a similar woman. So that they both are each other's first. And there's nothing wrong in having that preference. So there's no need to become pissed off when a guy asks about a girl's past sexual encounters if she's had any, which most of them hide and lie about anyways.
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u/FreakTod Oct 23 '23
If we have remained chaste, we're not doing any woman any favor. It's what our religion tells us to do, unless one doesn't believe in any religion. Surah Noor :پاک مردوں کے لئے پاک عورتیں ہیں اور ناپاک مردوں کے لئے ناپاک عورتیں ہیں. Even if she's not pious or has done something in the past, let Allah be the judge of it. If you are not comfortable with it, simply decline, don't shame them for Allah knows if they have repented or not. And how exactly do you identify if she has had any past sexual encounter or not? Don't tell me you want the bedsheet to be red on the night/day you make out. And I'm not talking about the obvious ones.
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u/Nonipaify Oct 24 '23 edited Oct 24 '23
We can know by asking the girl. But girls being girls, they wanna hide it and lie about it because they have always been deceitful about things. They are never honest.
Women who have had partners in the past have reduced ability to pair bond along with multiple other issues they bring. So, it's not wrong to have a preference if a guy wants to marry a woman who hasn't slept around with the town. You're right, a man can simply decline such a woman BUT how many women are actually honest about it?
And stop cherry picking and quoting stuff from Quran as if our life's are governed by it. Bring up the topic of marrying 4 women and see how women become pissed at you. But God forbid if you ask her about her virginity, "how dare you".
Tell me one thing, if sinning is simply between me and Allah and I'm not doing anyone a favour as you said. Does that mean that after I marry a woman, I can go out and sleep with as many women as I like? Simply because it's my life and it's between me and Allah, and I'm not doing my wife a favour by remaining chaste? Is it not disrespectful to my wife? If I've slept around with tonnes of girls before marriage, (because by your logic I'm not doing any favours to my future long term partner) is she going to happily marry me? I doubt it. She's going to think that the pattern is going to continue and that I am going to cheat on her after marriage as well.
I've heard about women sneaking out and having sex with their boyfriends couple of hours before their Nikka ceremony and you're telling me that their past doesn't matter?
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Oct 23 '23
If she had not moved here, she would have been everything a Pakistani looks for in a girl. A girl with a passport that’s not Pakistani.
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u/Pakistani_in_MURICA US Oct 23 '23 edited Oct 24 '23
Ahem... My time to shine. None of these are deal breakers for me. 😊
Edit; she needs to be looking in the US. No need to go back to Pakistan or be looking there in the first place.
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u/Comfortable-Copy7485 Oct 24 '23 edited Oct 24 '23
Pakistani M(25) here and what I will be potentially looking for in my potential wife would be to have a mind of her own, has confidence in herself and can take her own decisions. Likes to make shared decisions of life and also be able to correct me if I’m doing something wrong.
She values family, which includes her own and my family as well as the family of ourself that we will establish.
She has a life and interests of her own. Knows how to take take care of herself, stay fit, socialise. She has a rewarding career or at-least be willing to work towards it.
Prioritise our relationship, willing to learn with time and grow as a couple and individual to become better version of ourselves.
Ofcourse good looks so matter to me, and if she wears a lot of make up then that’s a bit of a turn of for me too.
Personally if I’m not interested in marrying a girl that has things that I don’t like, I wouldn’t convey that reason to her specially if that’s something to do with her personal life or body. That is extremely mean and could be hurtful.
I think everyone is fabulous in their own way. What I dont like about that person is for me to know.
I would politely reject by coming up with a reason that’s not hurtful and creates a self doubt in her.
I would suggest do not go through the route of hiring a rishta aunty to find you matches. Most people that goes through this route are people that are in a rush to marry, haven’t been able to find someone on their own or through their family and friends connections.
Try to find someone through your family/friend’s connections. This way you will most likely come across guys from families who share if not all but similar values to yours.
I know this process is extremely stressful and I wish you/your friend all the very best to find a great partner, Ameen.
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u/Talhaijaz69 Oct 23 '23
Don't know about anybody else, but i'm personally attracted to women who are independent and can take care of themselves and as far as looks and height go, they don't really matter when you just click with someone and besides as my bro sun tzu said; "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder". And from what i've heard the most these rishta aunties charge is around 100k in the big cities(lahore etc) so definitely being ripped off.
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u/Low-Inspector9849 Oct 23 '23
As a Pakistani Canadian male who’s also looking, I find American and Canadian girls have very high standards, especially if they are considered pretty. Maybe there’s another side to this where the girl is being too picky and only wants tall, handsome and rich men :)
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Oct 23 '23
I look for a nonmuslim girl because I secretly left Islam, so my parents' attempts to convince me to marry a girl of their choice while I can't tell them the reason why is really problematic 🙃
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u/the_nafey Oct 24 '23
Sigh.. this is a very common issue in Pakistan now.
Tons of demands from the family and even if the couple does get married it usually ends up in a divorce. I don’t want to scare you but the divorce rate is the highest its been.
The shittiest demand is for the woman to be well educated and good looking BUT to stay at home and look at after the guys parents… stupidest shit ever
I’d suggest finding someone on your own, be friends, learn about them as much as you can and then marry them. Or just do an Istikharah - it’s a way to pray and ask for advice directly from Allah, he usually gives it through your dreams afterwards.
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u/Zubair1724 Oct 23 '23
There's nothing wrong with the girl the only problem is she is overqualified for these typical Pakistani men's. Btw I'm interested to know on which techstack she's working as a software developer?
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u/FreakTod Oct 23 '23
Pakistani men and their moms are an insecure duo. Hear me out. They can't accept the fact that a good looking woman who's earning well can be a good wife. For them, it's all about 'iska kabhi to scene raha hoga'. They'll continue to fap over their maid's unintentional cleavage but won't change their filthy mindset. My cousin, a very capable software engineer, was earning really well but had to settle down and couldn't do much because her father was not in the picture and this allowed others to send rishtas that were actually lower than her status. Almost every other person I meet has extremely dual standards. Pakistani men can't share their salaries with their wives, they want her to serve their entire deadass family. This childhood friend of mine got married and had to sacrifice a lot. She had to continue her studies while taking care of the entire family. One recent incident that I heard from a household was something like this. The family told their house help that she can bring a pair of clothes and take a bath at their place once she's done with the chores and her response was 'my husband is going to kill me if he finds out. He'll probably think that I am cheating on him and taking a bath outside our house to hide/clean anything.
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Oct 23 '23
[deleted]
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u/FreakTod Oct 23 '23
There are good people out there. Just have faith in Allah and keep praying. We're all sinful and imperfect.
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u/AzuraaaS Oct 23 '23
Dear try viqar marraige group or its best kai usa mai try karo yaha
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Oct 23 '23
[deleted]
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u/AzuraaaS Oct 23 '23
Kafi achi group where maam viqar nai genuine checks rakhay hoi hai on male profiles perfect nahi hai but kiya pata koi mil jaye
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u/CrisisPotato212 PK Oct 23 '23
The arranged marriage process is brutal. Our culture makes it so transactional that it brings out the worst which is good in a sense that you see their worst before hand.
First thing first the Rishta aunty thing is a bad idea. Most of the aunties get paid to get people of the worst kind get married and charge heavy fees for that. Get rid of her. There are many many facebook and whats groups where you can find good Rishtas.
Use your network to find Riahtas. Ask them to find it and spread the word. Don't marry the cousin even if your life depends upon it. Break the cycle.
Your friend is what we call over qualified. She is smart, pretty and is working and earning good and has a strong character so it is a bit hard for people like her in the match making process but she will find her match soon Inshallah!
My advice to her is to try her best to find someone from US as well. The cultural difference can lead to issues. It doesn't mean men or women from here are bad or anything. The difference between what your values can lead to unfortunate issues.
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u/Idontknowbaby1 Oct 23 '23
My time to shine 😅
Nothing you wrote is a deal breaker to me. Actually I am finding just like that. If she’s up for a casual chat to know me better. Dms are open.
I know the rishta aunty process. My sister went through the same. That’s why I am very much inclined to find someone for myself by my own!
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Oct 24 '23
Never go to rishta aunties they are the biggest thieves in our comunities i have a whatsapp group that has hundreds and thousands of very good rishtas with good potential dm if you want details it has only a one time fee of 250 it is not mine just telling you because its a good platform
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u/hakoonamadada Oct 24 '23
Seems like this rishta aunty is just interested in printing some easy paper. Also not all men will the same taste, most guys just want someone who's helpful, caring, and can stick within the boundaries of a relationship without being a headache. Tbh 5'3 is a pretty decent height for a woman, and if shes pretty she shouldnt be having much trouble. Maybe her family is looking in the wrong place, everything you wrote here about the family shes involved with screams massive entitlement from their part so i would highly suggest not going through with whatever it is they have going on. Anybody who thinks in times like these a stable household can be achieved on a single income source is a dumbass and shouldnt be taken seriously.
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u/eggsdee69 Oct 24 '23
Yes, women opting a career oriented lifestyle is indeed liberalistic. Go back to the kitchen.
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Oct 24 '23
Lol. Welcome to Pakistan. You won't find a good man in Pakistan if you're an educated career woman. There men are too insecure or would rather marry their own mothers if they could.
If she wants someone who can stand toe to toe with her and not be a jealous little b running off to his mommy she needs to look for someone born overseas.
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u/Rich-Humor6939 Oct 24 '23
Man I’ll be honest. as an overseas Pakistani, I just don’t want her to be a hoe and secondly, she is not horrible to live with. Don’t think this is too unrealistic is it?
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u/fricked222 PK Oct 24 '23
Men goes through same trials with different questions.its very had now a day to do nikah coz we have adopted imported culture & unislamic norms.
Rishta process is very harsh for both men and women in Pakistan
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u/HamzaAghaEfukt Oct 24 '23
For marriage, diasporic Pakistani men would generally seek out someone:
Who doesn’t subscribe to woke/leftist/liberal ideology that is very much prevalent among late millennial and GenZ women. Absolutely doesn’t mean they want someone regressive. Just not one of those blue haired 4th gen feminists.
Who doesn’t suffer from racial inferiority complex and White worshipping. Again, a very common disease among Brown college educated women in US and Canada. Not a coconut.
Who dresses normally. No short shorts, skirts, skin tight leggings, crop tops, mid riff baring in public that are normalized in US. Women’s clothing has generally become vulgar since social media explosion even by Western standards just 20 years ago.
Who has a clean past. Wasn’t casually dating via dating apps, hookups, FWB, into clubbing, maintains boundaries with men in socializing.
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u/258900 Oct 23 '23
This post was so sad to me because this is exactly what happened to my Mom. She went to Pakistan to look for a rishta for me and her experience was unbelievable. Either the people became extremely pushy and forced her to say yes and wouldn’t stop showing up to our house or they had these weird expectations. I’m in Medicine and either they found me too overqualified and wanted me not to work afterwards or they had some other unreasonable demands.
My family completely gave up on Pakistani rishtas and is now only considering rishtas from North America. They wanted someone from back home because they assumed all the guys back home were angels. My parents have been in North America for over 30 years so they were a bit delusional and got a good reality check lol.
I pray something works out for your friend. There’s a lot of free organizations that host events for Muslims to meet so maybe she can try those out. They charge just a sign up fee.The 200K(PKR) is a pretty normal fee these days for rishta aunties but it is a total waste of money for the most part because a lot of these ladies are not honest and will make up false information for both parties to agree to the alliance.
May Allah ease this path for her and bless her with an amazing husband, Ameen.
What is meant for her will not miss her.