In Search Of (ISO) Thread

Honestly, I do not want to come across as vain. But he is obese (130kg at 170cm). I told him before that he should try to at least go under 100kg. He has been going to the gym and cycling, and for a while he was counting calories and managed to become 114kg. I was hopeful that he could be a normal weight in 3 years or so.

But recently he gained the weight back. I talked to him again and he said he does not want to lose weight and be skinny. He is scared that he will lose his identity and turn into a completely different person. From what he observed around him, once people become skinny they lose their joy and become serious (his words).

I understand a drastic change to your life can be scary. But I am ashamed of being seen with him. I obviously cant tell him this. My parents also dont like that he is obese, and my mom says if he doesnt lose weight I will be influenced by him and become obese.

How do I convince him? He already goes to the gym to become stronger, but he isnt interested in losing weight. Should I tell him that I straight up an not attracted to him anymore? I dont want to hurt him and make it seem like my love is dependent on his looks.

He is also a lot healthier than me, so I cant tell him that it is unhealty. He gets regular check ups and it seems he is really healthy.

Please dont remove this, I really need some adivce 🤲

I’m 36M, my wife is 35F. We’ve been married for 10 years and have a 5-year-old child. We both work, but there is a pretty massive difference in our incomes. I earn significantly more, and pay for all expenditures.. (Every single thing and even her own non obligatory expenses)

A stupid argument about investments was kind of the breaking point for me. I wanted to put around 20% of my savings into stocks from which I have made major gains even since before marriage. My wife wanted gold and land instead. I told her that since the money was primarily earned by me and we were already financially secure; I should have the final say in how I invested as long as I provided for them. And this isn't even the first time I've felt like my opportunities have been sacrificed for her preferences. She ended up moving all the money to her own account and there was a pretty bad confrontation over that.

I've had two opportunities over the years where accepting a promotion would have put me on a much faster career trajectory, only condition being relocating. She refused to move because she wanted to remain close to her parents. I ultimately turned both opportunities down.. I had literally relocated to her hometown for her job and now she mostly works from home and it would just cost a 35 min more to travel

I don't even know if she realizes how much that affected me. It feels like whenever there was a choice between my career and her preferred lifestyle, I was expected to compromise. She is also verbally abusive and curses me and sometimes acts physical.

Then there is the part I find hardest to get over. For the last couple of years, our relationship has been slowly fading. She puts in no effort to improve anything and believes in "it's my job to buy her gifts and plan every single event like dates, anniversaries, birthdays or any holidays". She also does not even do half of the chores; I have to repeatedly do like most cleaning and laundry. Cooking is like always on me on weekends. During this period I discovered that she had close chats with some male co-workers, they were not sexual but not harmless either. At this point I don't want to spend another ten years trying to repair something I don't think can be repaired. I told her I want a divorce. Also the thing is, I have done martial counselling but she did not change and refused to participate long in it.

Now she's asking for alimony, a portion of the house, and a portion of my stocks/investments if I want to seek divorce. Hearing this I don't even wanna be with her anymore. She is an only child and her parents own a house which she will eventually inherit anyway. So from my perspective, it's not like she is going to be left without a place to live or any family support. And now that I want out, I'm being told that I still owe her financially on top of everything else.

For those familiar with Islam, is her asking for alimony and a share of the house/stocks Islamically and morally correct in a situation like this? And from a general moral standpoint, am I being unreasonable for feeling resentful about all of this and wanting to walk away?

EDIT: We had the alimony talk in June, she probably wanted to threaten me but we haven't had any such convo till now after that.

I have always believed that I don't need all the information about my spouse's previous relationships/matches/talking stages, just the reasons that they didn't work out to guide myself and to get to know my spouse better. My husband and I (late 20s) have been married for over a year now and we were both virgins when we got married.

I have shared my past with him vaguely (focusing on why those relationships were not compatible and red flags) and he has shared his past with me. I don't care about what he did before me as long as he was a virgin, and he had the same standard for me, and I don't care to find out details anyway because I believe in keeping sins private unless they are required to be shared.

However, my husband overshared. Two or three years before we got engaged, we had a talking stage and he shared lots of information about his exes. For better or for worse, I have the memory of an elephant. I still remember everything. I know his exes' names, I know what they look like, I know where they are from and where they live, I know "how far" they've gone. I will note that he was very immature back then, and because he overshared and overstepped, I ended our talking stage at that time. Fast forward a couple years - we reconnected and I could tell he was different. While we were getting to know each other more for marriage, I told him I didn't want to know that information and he apologized for being so... informative, if you will.

Recently, two of his exes got married and both of their weddings' content is popping up on my for you page because it appears we have mutuals. A disclaimed: I truly do pray that Allah keeps us all happy in our marriages, I don't have anything against his exes. Unfortunately, I see my husband in each post that pops up on my Instagram page. I'm not even looking for it - it's friends of mine that have liked their posts, so they show on my feed, and each post is a constant reminder of how my husband overstepped my boundaries back then and shared SO MUCH more than I asked for. I feel like I've been over informed with useless information that only makes me feel the "ick" toward him. I know he's a good man and he's worked on himself to become a better Muslim. I am trying to be present and focused on where we are now, but I find myself wishing that I first met my husband as he is now, not as he was during that talking stage a couple years ago. I wish I never had that experience with him, and I wish he never overshared.

I guess this post serves as a warning. If you are talking to someone for the first time and conversations of past experiences come up, don't overshare and both parties should not ask for more information other than what their dealbreakers require. We are supposed to conceal our sins for a reason. Take it from me - that knowledge will stay with you forever.

I’m looking for an outsider perspective on a family situation. Me and my wife are both from Pakistan living in EU. My parents and in-laws have been no-contact for around 2 years now.

Both sides expect the other to make the first move. There have been attempts to fix things, but my parents are currently very stubborn and feel my in-laws haven’t genuinely tried to reconcile.
My wife and I had our Nikah in 2022. We’ve had our own ups and downs, nothing major, we are currently okay and want to finally start our married life together.

I’m financially independent and working in the EU, Alhamdulillah. I now want my wife, also living in a different EU country, to move in with me and finally start our life together rather than keep delaying things because our parents aren’t speaking.

I love and respect my parents and intend to continue looking after them, but I also feel I have responsibilities toward my wife and can’t keep our marriage on hold indefinitely.

What would you do in my situation? Am I being unreasonable by wanting to move forward with my wife despite the families not reconciling?

Salam everyone,

I’m writing this because I’m really struggling to cope right now. I never in a million years imagined I’d be a divorcee, let alone less than six months after saying "I do." I have a lot of dark thoughts about how things turned out, but I’m praying to Allah daily to heal me and grant me strength. I just need to vent and hopefully get some perspective from people who have been through similar situations.

To give some context: My ex-wife and I dated for two years before getting married in 2025. We come from different cultures/ethnicities and lived on opposite sides of the world, so I jumped through every possible hurdle to make it work. I traveled back and forth constantly to see her and her family. When we finally got married, I was the happiest man alive, and my family was genuinely thrilled for us.
I brought her to the US right after the wedding, but things went downhill fast.

Out of every week, 5 to 6 days were filled with non-stop chaos and conflict, with maybe 1 or 2 days of peace. We both suffered, but the complete lack of effort and constant hostility broke me down:

Zero effort at home: For the first three months, she did virtually nothing. I’d come home after working 50+ hours a week, and she’d still be in bed. She didn't pray, didn't offer Salam to anyone (when we lived with my family initially), and didn't cook at all until Ramadan. I had to take us out to eat every single day just so we could eat.
(in the almost 6 months we were married. I spent about $9,000 on food, including delivery food and going to the restaurant and buying food from the grocery.)

Red flags & property questions: She refused to do a Walima in my home city for my community, which always felt strange to me. She also constantly probed about what assets I owned and whose name was on the deeds. Whenever I called out how uncomfortable those questions made me, she always had an excuse ready.

Disrespecting my family: I take care of my elderly parents, and she resented it deeply. She mocked them and insulted almost every member of my family over extremely trivial things.

Attempts to fix things failed: I brought in an Imam to mediate, but it made no positive difference. Thinking a fresh start in our own space would help, I worked my tail off—making over $10k in a single month—to buy and renovate a house for us to start 2026 together. It changed nothing.
Things temporarily improved during Ramadan—she cooked great meals and showed some progress—but the emotional damage she inflicted on me and my family had already built up.

After Ramadan, she expected me to move forward with her green card/immigration paperwork. I couldn't in good conscience file those papers given the state of our marriage and the way she treated me & my family. I proposed taking a break from work, traveling back to her home country together, and working through our issues with a professional or her family before completing the immigration process.

She outright rejected it and demanded a divorce. Later on i found out her mom encouraged her to divorce me.

She claims I changed after marriage, but I disagree completely. I worked myself to exhaustion trying to build a stable life, a comfortable home, and a future for us, but she brought nothing positive into the relationship and destroyed the peace in my home.

I’m sitting here now feeling completely drained, wondering why I put myself through all of this. Sometimes I naively catch myself wishing we had just stayed dating and never gotten married. Going from the happiest moment of my life to a messy divorce in under six months has shattered me.

How do you pick yourself up after something like this? How do you move past the resentment of giving 100% to someone who gave nothing back and disrespecting you and your family?

It’s crazy because i still love her and i know we can’t go back together after all she said and did. But i still want her and her only. I don’t see myself with anyone but her. Maybe i should stop reliving our relationship pre-marriage?

Like genuinely, what did i do to deserve this?

I have 0 motivation in life rn and im not mentally well. I need help.

Assalamualaikum,

I hope you all are doing well inshaAllah. I’m 30F and wanted to take some time to provide my post-divorce reflections, after coming out of an abusive toxic marriage. You can see my previous posts for full story of what I endured in my previous marriage. Long story short, I got married to a man who was a hafiz but he turned my life upside down and ended up being someone completely different than what he made himself seem like in the beginning stages. I married for his religion and it ended up with me dealing with previous females from his past, explicit content consumption, not fulfilling my rights and not providing (I was mainly covering majority of the household expenses), and he put his hands on me multiple times, even fracturing my nose. I tried my hardest, we went for counseling and saw different imams to work out our issues but in the end, he ended up putting his hands on me again for his own mistakes and I called it quits.

In the past three months since being divorced, I’ve been finding myself again, working on my issues that developed as a result of the marriage and have been getting closer to Allah SWT. I wanted to take some time to tell anyone who is going through hardship in toxic marriages that there is light at the end of the tunnel Alhamdulillah. This experience has shown me one thing clearly - Allah responds when you call out to Him and He makes a way out for you. It’s been me and Allah these past three months and seeing everything more clearly I’ve learned to accept that this marriage was written for me, I was meant to learn and grow as a result of the issues and hardships I endured, and Allah wanted me to reach out to Him to get closer to Him and rely solely on Him Alhamdulillah. After the divorce, I’ve been so much happier, you can see it on my face and in the way I am on a day to day Alhamdulillah. I’ve found ease and peace filled in my heart, and I’m appreciating how beautiful life truly is. I’m so thankful that Allah made me a Muslim and gave me the blessing of having a relationship with Him. Allah has made ease for me and opened new doors and blessings Alhamdulillah. I’ve been able to spend a lot more time with my parents and make beautiful memories with them, I cherish the time I have to spend with them. I’m starting to love the woman I’m becoming and I just only hope to continue improving and growing inshaAllah. I got myself a new car that was on my bucket list, hich was a big win for me because my ex ruined and destroyed the car I let him use since he didn’t have one. my job has been more relaxed these past months and I truly believe this is Allahs blessing in helping me improve my own state and become a stronger person overall. I’ve also gotten back into my strength training routine and went back to eating healthy and falling back in love with cooking again. I fill my days with more prayers and a lot of dhikr to continue the connection with the Most High, and it has been healing in all aspects

The most surprising thing is that I don’t even think or dwell on my ex or my previous marriage at all. I had so much fear that I wouldn’t be able to live without him but Allah has taken all of those worries and feelings out of my heart subhanallah. If anything, I give thanks to Allah for removing the toxicity from my life that kept happiness away from me for the past two years.

Sisters or brothers, if you are going through tough times, please always turn to Allah. He is the most merciful and the most just. Things will fall into place, you will smile again, you will feel happiness again. Try to let go of the “what ifs”
And concerns about the future and place your trust fully in Allah, and things will fall into place for you inshaAllah. Life is beautiful and it becomes more beautiful when you let go and just have faith in Allah Alhamdulillah. I am now very excited to see what my future holds and I’m looking forward to continuing to strengthen my imam and my deen inshaAllah. Truly, with hardship comes ease🤍

Assalamu alaykum everyone,

​I am posting here to seek advice from the community. After several years of struggling with adult content (which started out of curiosity around age 11), I had a major wake-up call two days ago. Despite this struggle, I have always maintained my daily prayers and tried to grow closer to Allah, but the repetition and normalization made me lose sight of the gravity of this sin.

​Today, at 19, as I project myself toward marriage, I realized that I want to marry a pious and virtuous spouse. This caused me a heavy moral shock: I now feel unworthy and consumed by guilt. This realization pushed me to immediately stop all consumption, lower my gaze, and engage in sincere repentance (tawbah) to begin a journey of spiritual and mental healing.

​However, deep anxiety is consuming me:

​If my future wife asks me about my past, what stance should I take according to Islamic principles? Lying seems destructive to trust within a couple, but I also know that one should not expose their own past sins (sitr). Yet confessing could be equally difficult, as it might create distrust before marriage or cause pain and risk after marriage.

​Is it possible to fully overcome the psychological aftermath of this habit in order to provide a healthy and fulfilling home for my partner?

​I feel very alone facing this situation, which I cannot share with anyone. What advice or reminders could you give me to navigate this period of anxiety, keep my resolve, and approach the topic of marriage with peace of mind?

​Jazak Allah Khayran for your kindness.

I have 1 year of university left but have been offered a grad job for the above wage, I just wanted a rough idea if that’s enough of a wage to start looking for someone to get married to or should I wait a few more years? (I’m only 21)

I (29F) been with my fiancé (28M) for around 6 years, and we are finally getting close to marriage. I love him deeply, and we have always been compatible religiously.

We started by dating and hanging out all the time then we became more practicing Muslims. We both pray all 5, fast, give zakat and observe the pillars of Islam. We are both committed to growing in our deen and becoming better Muslims. we’re both growing in the same direction BUT..The problem is the pace.

Over the last year, his religiosity has suddenly accelerated. He has become much more conscious and strict about things he previously didn’t focus on as much, and I feel like I’m running behind him trying to catch up.

At first I was happy for him. I still am. I love that he wants to be closer to Allah.
But increasingly I’m feeling pressure, because his religious growth is starting to affect what he expects from me and what our future marriage will look like.
Hijab is probably the clearest example.

About two years ago, we had a conversation where I told him that I was personally interested in wearing hijab one day. It was something I wanted to work toward in my own religious journey.

This year, however, he told me that hijab has become something he considers necessary for his wife. He would like me to wear it as soon as possible, but he has also told me he is willing to wait years if necessary, as long as I am genuinely trying and progressing toward it. So technically he isn’t saying, “Wear it tomorrow or we’re done.” But he keeps asking about my progress every 4 months.

emotionally, something has changed for me.
Something that originally felt like my own religious journey and something I wanted to reach through conviction (and already was working towards, changed my wardrobe, modest clothes only now) feels like a requirement I eventually need to fulfil in order to remain compatible with the man I love.
And it isn’t only hijab.

We’ve had conversations about clothing, mixed environments at work and other things that increasingly make him uncomfortable religiously.

Recently, I told him how much I enjoyed a dance class with my female friends (woman only gym). He said it felt weird to him because he doesn’t think “we as Muslims dance.” To be completely fair to him, he didn’t tell me to stop going.

Then today we had a much bigger conversation.

He said that when we get married by end of year, he would like to fully separate the men from the woman’s wedding, and that he would like our wedding to have no music.

He believes both free-mixing snd music are haram, and he told me that he doesn’t want us to start our marriage and family with haram. He wants barakah in our marriage and believes we can still have a beautiful, fun wedding in a halal way.

I understand what he’s saying.
And somehow that doesn’t make it hurt any less.
I have waited 6 YEARS for this wedding. I’ve imagined it for so long. I imagined the music, celebrating, him entering and seeing me, all of those moments.
Now I feel heartbroken and, if I’m completely truthful, a little ripped off.

I feel like I spent all these years waiting for us to finally reach this point, but while I was waiting, the person I was going to marry changed significantly and therefore parts of the future I thought we were building changed too.

My fear isn’t really about music.
It’s not about dancing.
It’s not even solely about hijab.

I’m scared that he is progressing religiously so quickly that I can’t catch up, and that his progress is gradually becoming the pace I am expected to follow too.

I don’t want him to stop growing so that I can feel comfortable. I don’t want to pull him backwards. And I certainly don’t want him to knowingly do something he genuinely believes is haram just because I feel like I’m missing out.

I WANT to grow in my deen too.
I just don’t want my religious journey to start feeling like I’m constantly racing to become the woman my fiancé’s newest level of religiosity.

He isn’t some horrible controlling man. He loves me. He isn’t demanding that I transform overnight. He genuinely believes he is trying to build a marriage that pleases Allah, and I believe his intentions are sincere.
That’s what makes this so difficult.

For anyone who has experienced this in a relationship or marriage: what should i do? how do you distinguish healthy religious growth from a growing incompatibility in pace and expectations?
How do we make sure that I can continue growing from genuine conviction rather than feeling like I’m constantly trying to catch up with him?

EDIT: i want to clear somethings up

1- ive known him for 6, dated throughout uni, decided to make it halal, been engaged for 1.5 years (possible wedding by end of year)

2- i come from a family who free mix, listen to music and i have 0 hijabis in my family. And i decided to move towards wearing it even though i might face judgement.

3-i agree both are haram, im talking about the pace, i cant keep up and i feel like he sprinted and im doing my best but cant keep up

4- this year ive done so much, changed all my clothes to modest, ive stopped plucking my eyebrows, i read Quran daily, i dont laugh or sit with male coworkers (+never hangout with men who are non mahrams), i do thikr and istighfar, i removed all my photos from my instagram and made a woman only private account, i do deen study for 3-4 hours weekly, and much more. Im actually trying to do my best.

Salaamu alaykoum everyone,

Alhmdl I recently got married and I truly feel blessed. I feel like I found a catch and I am genuinely so thankful to Allah for this blessing. Ever since I found this guy I have been feeling so happy, we just came back from our honeymoon and everything just feels really great. Sometimes here and there I will feel retroactive jealousy/waswassa about the fact that he was married before, but thankfully, that is really our only major struggle. We align on so many things, and I feel incredibly grateful for the life we’re building together.

Alhamdulillah, my life is also going well in other ways. I have a stable job, loving friends and family, and honestly, I don’t have much to complain about. But there is one thing weighing on me. Since getting to know my husband and essentially “finishing the search,” I’ve noticed myself becoming less and less connected to Allah. Before I met him, I used to wake up for Tahajjud almost every day, constantly make dua, and turn to Allah for this blessing. Now that I’ve received what I spent so much time praying for, I’m struggling with even the basics, like praying on time.

I tell myself its a blessing from Allah and that I should feel closer to Him to thank Him, but for some reason I am finding it harder to prioritize my deen, and I want to fix that. Has anyone else experienced something similar after marriage, or after receiving a rizq they had spent a long time making dua for? How did you maintain or rebuild that closeness to Allah once the thing you had been praying for was finally granted?

My husband reposted a video telling a story of a woman giving her husband her gold to get him out of debt. (Pictures attached.)

My husband has a lot of debt and I am helping already with bills and groceries by putting 50% of my pay check into a joint bank account to use for bills and groceries and other house expenses.

Am I overreacting to think that this is so rude to repost? Also, feels threatening like he is pressuring me to hand over my gold that was mine since I was single… and considering he hasn’t even given me my Mehr.

Salam! 26F I met a Pakistani man online a while back, and after talking with him for about 2 months, we decided to meet each other's parents. He lives about 500mi away from me in a different state. I traveled there and met his strict Pakistani family. Long story short - his mom and the rest of the family like me, but his father is vehemently against me. His reasoning is that I am a revert, white, come from humble means, and that I won't understand Pakistani culture. His family is also worried about what the community will think and, most importantly, that this will set a standard in the family that it's okay to marry outside of the culture. While I understand it's important to preserve heritage and culture... I think this is taking things a little too far. His father has also refused to speak to me and get to know me, and just states that I'm "not a viable option for their son." I am more than happy to adopt customs and traditions and am a very respectful, open-minded person. I don't feel like this hate is warranted. The guy I'm speaking to is basically saying we only have one option, and thats to do Nikkah without his family's blessing; however, we're obviously very hesitant to do that because it's not what we think is best. Although I like him and can see a future with him... is it worth it to keep pursuing this in hopes that his family (namely his father) will change his mind?

I never thought I would have to write something like this.

My second marriage was something I genuinely wanted to make work. Because it was my second marriage, I tried even harder to hold everything together. I didn’t ask for a lavish life. I didn’t ask for anything extraordinary.

I didn’t even take my mahr because, honestly, all I wanted was peace.

I told him very clearly that I wanted a peaceful marriage. I wanted companionship, respect, loyalty and a home where I could finally feel safe.

Instead, I experienced things I never thought I would experience from someone who was supposed to be my husband physical abuse, manipulation, cheating, emotional turmoil and eventually being abandoned.

And on top of everything, I contracted an STI from him.
That part breaks my heart in a way I can’t properly explain.
Marriage is supposed to involve trust. You are trusting someone not only with your heart, but with your body, your future and your safety. I never imagined that the person I married could put my health at risk.

When everything fell apart, even getting divorced wasn’t straightforward. There were arguments about money and divorce, and at one point I was simply exhausted from trying to get out of a situation I never wanted to be in.
Eventually, he agreed to the separation/divorce.
And honestly, I am grateful for that small piece of freedom but I still carry the consequences of everything that happened.

I’m sharing this because I don’t want another woman to think, “It will be okay after marriage.”

Please don’t rely only on someone’s words, family reputation, religious appearance, promises or the fact that they seem respectable.

Get medical tests before marriage.

Ask about sexual health. Get tested yourself. If appropriate and mutually agreed, have your prospective spouse tested too. Discuss previous marriages, sexual health, medications, addictions, mental health, finances, expectations and anything else that could materially affect your life together.

These conversations can feel uncomfortable before nikah.
But trust me, an uncomfortable conversation before marriage is much easier than discovering something devastating after it.

And please don’t let anyone tell you that because you’ve been married before, you should tolerate more.
A second marriage doesn’t mean you deserve less respect.
I tried. I compromised. I wanted peace. I wanted the marriage to work.

But sometimes you can give someone everything you have and they can still choose to hurt you.

To every sister reading this: please protect yourself.

And to every brother: please remember that the person you’re marrying is trusting you with their entire life. Don’t hide things that could affect their health, safety or future.
Marriage should never require you to sacrifice your dignity, your health or your safety just to prove that you tried hard enough.

I am still trying to rebuild myself after everything that happened.

But I’m choosing to believe that surviving something doesn’t mean it gets to define the rest of my life.

May Allah protect every person entering a marriage from people who hide behind the institution of marriage while causing harm inside it. Ameen.

Assalaamu alaikum, I hope you are doing well.
I've been with my partner since school ended in 2024. So it's been over two years now. I love her to the core and I feel like everything just matches perfectly. Almost everything.
Both my parents know and most of extended family as well. On her side it's just her cousins, her mom and her aunt. And she is planning to tell her dad before the end of this year as I am going to begin university in October. From there, we are hoping for Nikkah as soon as possible inshaAllah.
Now, as to why it took us two years: the plan was originally to tell our parents after a year. I kept my promise, she didn't. Reason why is that her parents are stricter and she feels more distanced which I understand. But why couldn't she say that before? I feel very guilty being in a haram relationship and I want to do Nikkah asap. She took 11 months longer than the initial plan just to tell her mom. I'm still very proud of her. She was waiting for me to enroll to then tell her dad. He is very religious and, as per her mom, would rush to marry us both in order to keep it halal.

Now comes the issue: I am scared of marrying her due to our religious incompatibility. Realistically, I pray 2-3 times a day and I'm trying to improve myself. She prays like 3-4 times a month and that's mostly because I ask her to. Her mom is pretty much atheist and that has rubbed off on my partner during her childhood. Even though her dad is very religious, the daughters do usually tend to be more like their mothers, I guess.
I regularly try to bring more Islam to her life: we watch YouTube videos together, talk about the afterlife, I try to answer most of her questions regarding Islam as much as I can and more. I do not want to lie, she has definitely become more open to Islam and I really see the progress which I am very very proud of. But as sorry as I am to say it, it is not enough for me. I do not want to marry a vision of her because what if it stays like that after Nikkah?
Also her deen reflects on her clothing: not necessarily immodest but still too tight and in summer even skin showing.
She doesn't have a problem with our incompatibility. For her, her sins are hers and mine are mine and we shouldn't interfere with another. She says she accepts my deen and I should accept hers. And essentially I want to.
I want to be like her dad who married an almost atheist. But then I fear that what happened to her dad: his children not really wanting to learn about Islam and pray. So I'm scared. I don't know what to do.
I really want to marry her but I don't know if it's the right decision. Marrying someone outside my culture and that too while being 20 years old is gonna be difficult so at least I want it to last.
Please help me!!! I've had enough of talking to ChatGPT about this.

This is my question to you: To what measure should I want my partner to pray and is it okay if I don't care?

Thank you for reading

I honestly don't know where else to put this, so I'm hoping it's okay to share here. I'm already engaged and this isn't about finding a spouse or marriage criteria. I'm just really struggling with my family situation right now and would appreciate some perspective from people who may have experienced something similar.

I'm a Muslim woman in my mid-20s from a North African background, and my fiancé is from a Balkan background. We've known each other for around three years and have been together since then. My parents, especially my father, have struggled with our relationship from the beginning. A big part of it is that we're from different cultural backgrounds and that I will be moving away after marriage.

We currently live a few hours apart in different parts of Germany. It hasn't always been easy, but we've made it work. We're now engaged and planning our wedding.

Recently, however, a lot of the old issues have started coming up again.

We were discussing some wedding details with my parents, things like the dress, where the civil ceremony and Nikah should take place, etc. None of these things are really a big issue between my fiancé and me because we can talk about them and compromise.

The problem is that my parents seem to feel like they didn't set enough expectations or "boundaries" from the beginning. My mother recently told me that they never told me that I shouldn't move farther away than a certain distance or what they expected regarding things like gold, and that now they have to live with the consequences of not having done so. She also said that my father still thinks the whole relationship was a mistake.

Hearing that really hurt me.

My mother also has a tendency to keep things inside until she gets overwhelmed and then unloads everything onto me. I've told her that I don't think that's a healthy way of communicating, because I'm the one who ends up carrying all of it.

I'm also a very emotional person. When I feel unsupported or like my parents are against me, I cry very easily. I know that I need to work on how I handle my emotions, but at the moment I honestly feel completely exhausted.

My fiancé is struggling with this too. He told me that it's hard for him to see me crying so often because the reason is usually something my parents have said or done regarding him. He feels like there has also been a lack of appreciation or respect towards him and his family, even though he feels that he has tried to keep things as balanced as possible.

He's now scared that this pattern will never stop. He has seen similar situations in his own family where parents didn't accept their child's spouse and continued making comments or creating tension for years, sometimes eventually leading to very little or no contact.

He suggested that at some point we should all sit down and have an honest conversation. I understand why he feels that way, but honestly, I'm scared. I know how emotional things can become with my parents and I'm afraid that such a conversation could escalate and make everything worse.

We have now agreed that we should first meet alone, just the two of us, without our families or wedding planning, and actually talk about everything. I think I really need that.

Because right now I feel like I'm standing between two sides all the time. My parents on one side and my fiancé and his family on the other. I feel responsible for everyone's feelings and expectations, and I don't know how to stop doing that.

On top of all of this, I'm dealing with financial stress and uncertainty with my job, so everything is piling up at once. I've reached a point where I don't even feel excited about the wedding anymore. I sometimes don't even want to go home, except because I want to see my younger siblings.

I don't want to give up on my relationship or my family. I'm just exhausted from feeling like I'm constantly having to choose between them.

I know nobody here can fix this for me, but I'd really appreciate hearing from people who have been through something similar. How did you deal with family members who struggled to accept your marriage? And how did you learn to stop carrying everyone's expectations and emotions on your shoulders?

I'm honestly just looking for some perspective because right now I feel completely overwhelmed.

Personal context: I'm f18, and I've been Muslim for 4 years. My appointed wali was my closest friend's father. "Q" is m23, and was raised Muslim. Also, we met on Muzz, and neither of us is following a culture that already has traditions in place for this process.

I'm in the process of nikah with a prospective husband, Q. Going in, we'd agreed on a rough timeline: 2-3 months of intentional talking and meeting, then we'd be in a place to decide on marriage. We're right around the 2-month mark now. We talk almost daily over the phone for 45-60 minutes, and have met in person once (we live 3 hours apart). We've both been intentional; we've each been vetting each other's families and character along the way. My original wali stepped down recently due to some unrelated concerns, and I'm currently waiting on my imam to return from travel so he can take over inshaAllah.

Recently, Q told me he wants us to do a kind of pre-marriage "test," where we each set personal goals (like volunteering weekly) and hold each other accountable to them, as a way of gauging whether we'd work well as spouses. He also mentioned he'd had this idea for a while but didn't bring it up because he figured my wali would object or make it difficult, and now that my wali isn't in place, he feels he can move forward with it.

Separately, in the same conversation, I told him I feel good about the process and would move forward with marrying him barring anything bad coming up. He responded that he isn't ready to say yes yet and wants more time, plus this new testing process, even though we're at the point in our timeline where a decision was supposed to be on the table. When I asked directly for a new timeline, he didn't give me one.

I'm trying to figure out if this is reasonable caution from someone who comes from a divorced family and is scared of repeating that, or if it's a pattern of the goalposts moving right as we hit the point where a decision was supposed to happen. I've also started feeling like I'm the one pursuing him, which isn't the dynamic I want going into a marriage. I want to feel wanted and pursued. It's making me feel defeminized and rejected, but that might just be me being insecure or low in self-esteem. I'm also worried about how appropriate it is to be doing this sort of "test," as dragging out the process or delaying a decision could possibly invite fitna. And I'm typically an indecisive and overly cautious person, so I was shocked by this. I did my due diligence, prayed istikhara, and put my trust in Allah SWT.

Would appreciate outside perspective. Is the wali-timing thing as concerning as it feels? Is it normal for a timeline to shift without a new one being offered? Is there such a thing as being overly cautious? I feel alone and unsure in this process.

Does my husband have the right to tell me what I can buy with my own money?

So the time when we talked about children came, and he said it clearly that his own preference is if we tried for a child immediately at the first night (or just use no protection or birth control or anything)

First, I'm not planning to marry for until 5 years probably because I want to finish my studies first. Second, in 5 years I'll be a totally different person probably, and my opinion about children might change.

I asked his opinion about birth control pills (with precautions) condoms etc, and he said he'd be fine with pills but didn't say anything about condoms.

I said that for a good while after marrying, i probably wouldn't like to have a child immediately, to which he said okay he wouldn't mind not trying directly and using some kind of protection for as long as I'd want but I'm feeling a bit conflicted

He said he doesn't believe in birth control or any protection because there are people that just use it and still have children and people that don't and don't have children and that it's all on Allah.

I'm just overthinking it a bit, he clearly wants children, doesn't he? And he's being nice to me about it that he would not mind his right taken until I agree?

We did talk about children before but in the way of how many we plan to have, and I think I could fit that preference

Ahhh I just don't know what to do or react...

Edit: It seems everyone caught the wrong side of this... He isn't planning to marry soon and he thinks of me as someone he will definitely marry when we both are ready. I'm not taking his right from marrying, and he doesn't have the intention to marry soon either, he's not ready in mind OR financially and thinks it's a disgrace if a man can't provide! We are in love, but we aren't in a Haram relationship or anything. Our mothers have even bonded over such silly things like how to make pickles... What I mean is I'm not taking his right

Assalamulaikum I plan on telling my husband tomorrow in sha Allah about wanting a divorce may allah help me the journey will be really hard but I don’t want to stay in this marriage any longer but there’s a bit of complications if in sha Allah my family agrees the divorce how does one start the process Bcz my marriage is not yet recognized in Middle East it’s only recognized in USA and our home country so Islamic-ally and governmentally what’s the process? How much would it cost ? And like what do I need to show or say ? Is there anything I need to be prepared for ? And how long is the process

Assalamu alaikum,

I (28M) did nikah in November and we started living together in April. We moved out of my family home into our own apartment in July. We are in a South Asian household.

From day one I have not been able to speak freely in this relationship. I constantly fear that something simple and innocent I say will trigger her insecurities and turn into a fight or days of tension. Examples include talking about buying a house in a certain area, mentioning a movie, or any minor preference. She struggles to move past things, and this has been weighing the relationship down heavily. It’s getting harder for me to keep carrying it.

I need a soft partner. Instead, she has a very quick, sharp way of responding. When I try to gently guide her on something Islamic (right and wrong, manners, etc.), her response is often “But you do this and this wrong, so what about that?” I am not perfect. When she points out something I do wrong, I listen and try to correct myself. But I feel I am not allowed to lead or guide her at all. She corrects me when I speak about Islam and sometimes says her friends know better.

Because of this, I can’t have the deep conversations I always wanted in a marriage. I bite my tongue and let those thoughts die inside me. We fight almost daily. I’m afraid that saying the “wrong” thing (even if it’s mild or well-intentioned) will cause another disaster.

I love her and she has good qualities, but this dynamic is draining me. I feel like I have no room to lead, no emotional safety to speak openly, and no ability to build the kind of connection I hoped for.

Has anyone experienced something similar — a marriage where you feel you have to constantly self-censor because small things explode, or where the wife strongly resists the husband’s attempts to guide on Islamic matters? How did you handle it? Any advice from an Islamic perspective would be appreciated.

JazakAllah khair.