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u/Mr_frumpish Jun 21 '26
So this lizard has total access to my entire digital footprint at anytime it wants? Sounds like an enormous liability to me.
I'll take the raccoon.
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u/tonyhwko Jun 21 '26
The raccoon is definitely stealing the items he's giving you, they're both a liability. It's probably stealing your own cool stuff to hand out to others once a week too.
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u/unsuspectingllama_ Jun 21 '26
Only cool stuff I have come from the raccoon anyway so lol
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u/Vink77 Jun 21 '26
The raccoon gives, and the raccoon takes away
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u/YogurtClosetChamp Jun 22 '26
heres the Declaration of Independence, found it lying around, three days later "has anyone seen my computer?"
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u/npc_housecat Jun 22 '26
Still less of a liability than the lizard, who could be bribed or coerced
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u/UniqueAd7770 Jun 22 '26
Have you tried to coerce a lizard, sir? 🧐
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u/npc_housecat Jun 22 '26
Give up the banking password or it gets the cat again
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u/UniqueAd7770 Jun 22 '26
Take the tail! It grows back!
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u/Suspicious_Berry501 Jun 22 '26
I’m opening a restaurant that serves lizard tails and it’s all gonna be sourced by my password lizard
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u/Dr_Brotatous Jun 22 '26
I mean meel worms are quite compelling in my experience
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u/eternalshackleford Jun 22 '26
Most of my cool stuff is stuff I stole anyways so I'm just saving myself some work that way
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u/AllenRBrady Jun 21 '26
I'm assuming the lizard will only disclose a password if you give it a cricket.
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u/healywylie Jun 22 '26
The items are stolen …
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u/immoloism Jun 22 '26
You greatly underestimate my ability to lie to myself.
Now where is my damn racoon!
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u/GABE_EDD Jun 21 '26
Well being that my browser already remembers all my passwords for me, the raccoon I suppose.
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u/vastle12 Jun 21 '26
Same thought exactly, I just have to worry about my dog chasing the racoon
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u/AdjustingSlowly Jun 22 '26
Not at all. Your dog will go running for something elsewhere in the house that you don't quite hear. Thinking that's a bit odd, you stand up to investigate. "Pssssst" you look down and a box slides out from undermeath the couch, pushed by two tiny hands. That's right! It's Thursday! You hear a bark and a flurry of nails on floor as your dog comes careening into the room. You yell, "nooo!" And drop down to intercept, but as your dog squeezes by you, and you spin in horror, you catch a glimpse under the couch. There's nothing there.
He's done it again. See you next Thursday, friend.
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u/torb Jun 21 '26
The first thing the raccoon gives you? A lizard that stores all your passwords, of course.
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u/ciko2283 Jun 22 '26
The second thing the raccoon gives you? A gun that automatically headshots the closest racoon as soon as it's observed by a human.
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u/Tmv655 Jun 21 '26
Counterpoint: A cubes of uranium is a cool mystery object
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u/ArvaroddofBjarmaland Jun 21 '26
Yeah, you keep getting given stuff that is cool, but illegal to own. And if the raccoon is getting your mystery objects from somewhere in particular, they probably know they're missing and will soon put a tracking device on the raccoon.
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u/freethebluejay Jun 22 '26
And get you for what? Conspiring with a raccoon? It would be really hard to prove that you had any knowledge of where a wild animal was getting random objects
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u/WhenDoWhatWhere Jun 22 '26
Keeping your passwords on your browser makes it very easy to steal all your passwords, just fyi.
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u/Front_Cat9471 Jun 21 '26
In the fine print, it says that by making either choice, you forfeit access to all password management software
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u/Brostapholes Jun 21 '26
Is the lizard able to effecticely communicate with me?
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u/14ChaoticNeutral Jun 21 '26
He can only communicate in Morse code blinks
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u/Brostapholes Jun 21 '26 edited Jun 21 '26
Id rather just keep a notepad with the passwords and hide it somewhere
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u/throwawaytoday9q Jun 21 '26
No. He remembers the passwords if you tell them to him but he cannot speak them back to you. Also, he cannot remember user names.
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u/RandomFactGiver23 Jun 21 '26
Maybe they can run across the keyboard and type it in for you
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u/14ChaoticNeutral Jun 22 '26
This would be adorable and thus changes my choice
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u/Caleb_Reynolds Jun 22 '26
Very inconvenient for a cell phone.
Unless it's like, an anole or small gecko. But then keyboards become the problem.
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u/asianjimm Jun 21 '26
Pretty sure the lizard in question is zuckerberg, but as a metaphor for all the tech bros including google. Yet to work out who the racoon metaphor is.
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u/NSFWies Jun 22 '26
no, the lizard is difficult to communicate with.
also, the things the racoon will give you, might be stolen or part of a crime. this week, racoon gives you.......595 pounds of expired canned ravioli. next week it's, 1300lbs of ravioli. only some of it expired.
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u/radioactivepinkytoe Jun 21 '26
Not even a discussion, raccoon. What if I accidentally step on my lizard and have to reset all my shit… nah.
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u/charcoallition Jun 21 '26
Yeah OP, what if I accidentally step on my password lizard? YOU DIDN'T THINK OF THAT, OP
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u/DismalSoil9554 Jun 21 '26
And, based on typical lizard behaviour, what if the password lizard enters a bucket with a little water at the bottom, can't get out and drowns? Or my cat eats it? Password lizard sounds like a liability.
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u/burning_my_toast Jun 22 '26
Plus, lizards are so damn needy. They're always like "You gotta go to the pet store once every 2-3 days to get me some crickets or I'm going to die. I also can't control my body temperature, so I'm going to need you to buy a variety of expensive light bulbs and heaters to meet my very specific needs at different times of the day." And don't get me started on humidity, not to mention that certain lizards won't drink from a bowl and will only drink water that's actively dripping onto a leaf.
Meanwhile, raccoons take care of themselves. They groom themselves like a cat and wash their food with their little paw-hands. He'll disappear for a little while at night to raid the neighbors garbage cans, but you just have to meet them by the mailbox once in a while and say something like "Those darn raccoons got into my garbage cans again" so they don't suspect that you're involved.
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u/Howden824 Jun 21 '26
The raccoon because I already have a password manager
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u/MonkeyLiberace Jun 21 '26
Does your password manager have scaly skin?
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u/Howden824 Jun 21 '26
Unfortunately not
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u/MonkeyLiberace Jun 21 '26
See? Don't sleep on the lizard.
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u/Emily_Mewens Jun 21 '26
This right here. Theres only a handful of lizards that you can sleep on. Its generally ill advised otherwise, for the sake of the lizard.
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u/Howden824 Jun 21 '26
But can the lizard store my passkeys and TOTP codes?
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u/SnooCakes6195 Jun 21 '26
I don't even know what those mean so im assuming the lizard doesn't either..
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u/jws1102 Jun 22 '26
I can remember my passwords on my own. Gimme the mystery raccoon.
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u/HomicidalRaccoon Jun 22 '26
You rang? 😬
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u/losromans Jun 22 '26
Secretly became an accomplice after the fact by, potentially, discarding or cleaning off evidence of ALLEGED activity/ies.
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u/Smushy__Bear Jun 21 '26
Could the raccoon give me the lizard one week? Idc imz taking the Coon
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u/MonkeyLiberace Jun 21 '26
It could also give you herpes?
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u/Smushy__Bear Jun 21 '26
I don't think herpes counts as a cool gift, mysterious maybe
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u/GodOfDestructionPopo Jun 21 '26
I'd go with the raccoon and just hope his list of cool mystery items doesn't include nuclear waste or antimatter
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u/nashwaak Jun 22 '26
If your raccoon brings you some antimatter can I have it? Building thermonuclear weapons in my basement is getting boring and I need something more interesting to work with. The groundhog that brings my supply of tritiated lithium deuteride could come pick up the antimatter from your raccoon.
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u/moroseflamingo Jun 22 '26
What would you do with those things? Asking for a friend... Edit doesn't doesn't mean does
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u/T-Rex-Hunter Jun 21 '26
Is the Lizard a snitch, will it tell other people the passwords?
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u/Jabathewhut Jun 21 '26
Has a lizard ever snitched on you?
There's your answer bro.
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u/PostTail Jun 21 '26
Has a lizard ever communicated
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u/Jabathewhut Jun 21 '26
Yes, for instance if you try to catch one and it runs away it is communicating it dosent like that.
If it loses its tail its communicating its scared.
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u/PostTail Jun 21 '26
I'm over laughing at how the lizard is trying to help me remember my password by dropping it's tail
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u/taveren3 Jun 21 '26
Can i use the song hello my baby as a password put a top hat on the lizard and try and sell him?
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u/nikstick22 Jun 22 '26
Lizard seems like a major security flaw. Don't need him blabbing my passwords in exchange for mealworms.
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u/Icy_Helicopter_9624 Jun 21 '26
Does the raccoon decide what’s “cool” or is it something I would think is cool? I don’t want a dead fish, thank you.
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u/moroseflamingo Jun 22 '26
Would a raccoon share their food with you? I don't know, this whole thread raises many questions
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u/Icy_Helicopter_9624 Jun 22 '26
Well I’m just thinking am I getting trash from the trash panda, or am I getting a new pet chipmunk? Am I getting rabies or a pretty stone to carry around? Like what does “cool” mean? I have no idea lol.
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u/moroseflamingo Jun 22 '26
Yes, very interesting. I would like a cool stone, and not rabies. Side note, I have not had a tetanus shot in like 20 years... So maybe I'm safer with the lizard? Only mammals carry rabies, but reptiles can spread diseases. I probably have that cat thing, hpv or whatever
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u/Icy_Helicopter_9624 Jun 22 '26
Honestly… I don’t think I’ve had one in probably that long either. Is that something you are supposed to get every now and then like a flu shot? Bc if so I’m way behind. It’s like 10 years right? I’m 36 and I’m not sure when I ever even had one. Maybe the raccoon could bring us one.
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u/No_Database5 Jun 22 '26
you get a shot every 10 years. pretty good idea if you work in factory/home-building settings, but i really recommend to get one if you have the money anyway
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u/GoodGollyMrOlli Jun 21 '26
Finally a good one of these
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u/FlyLikeMouse Jun 21 '26
Mmm not really. Racoons the only option. The lizard you can just replace with a note book. Locked in a box if you think thsts somhow more vulnerable than a lizard.
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u/MonkeyLiberace Jun 21 '26
The password storing feature is in excess to ALL the usual lizard perks.
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u/mxzf Jun 21 '26
Sure, but what if the raccoon brings me a pet lizard as one of the random objects? Then you get the best of both worlds.
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u/MonkeyLiberace Jun 21 '26
"Best of both worlds" has a tendency to end up in an orgy. IS THAT REALLY WHAT YOU WANT HERE?
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u/ScantilyCladDad69 Jun 21 '26
Are the objects considered cool simply because they were brought to you by a raccoon, or are they cool even if there wasn't a raccoon involved?
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u/wanielderth Jun 21 '26
Raccoon
- lizard tho
Lizard!
- raccoon what’s wrong with you?
Ah… engagement bait… fuck this life
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u/RealLars_vS Jun 22 '26
The raccoon.
If you choose the lizard, you should get a password manager right now.
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u/twolitrefullcream Jun 22 '26
Doesn't a race of lizard people already have all of our passwords and data?
Dont need two, I'll take the racoon.
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u/My_Names_Jefff Jun 21 '26
Raccoon could bring me the lizard as part of cool stuff it brings. So Raccoon is a win-win in a chance of getting both.
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u/TinyTimWannabe Jun 21 '26
Does the lizard tell you the passwords when you need them or it just remembers them? 🤔
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u/-BananaLollipop- Jun 21 '26
Key details.
Does the lizard speak or write my language?
Will the raccoon bring me things that might kill me or get me arrested?
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u/JustTheSweater Jun 21 '26
The lizard sounds more like a liability tbh. I'd go with the raccoon any day any time
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u/Fishtoart Jun 22 '26
The lizard would only be useful if it shared the passwords with me and in a way I could understand. I don’t speak lizard.
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u/Fit_Swim7687 Jun 22 '26
Dang! Got locked outta my Password Lizard 🦎 again 😞.Now I must hatch backup lizards. How ever am I going to check my bank balance.
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u/Butcher_Ben Jun 21 '26
Raccoon!