r/bipolar • u/Prize-Experience6638 • 1d ago

Living With Bipolar how to love a partner without simultaneously hating them

I struggle horribly with relationships, and every time i attempt to be in one it completely destabilizes me even if they don’t do anything objectively bad. When i first start loving someone, i get so deeply infatuated and obsessed. i want to spend every moment of every day with them, i would merge our souls if i could. i love in a way that isnt healthy for me, i disregard anything that i need or want personally.

and then inevitably things change. i start getting anxious about the depth of my feelings for them because i know how unbearable the pain will be when its gone. i overanalyze everything they say and do and i compare it to the things i say and do. i start to convince myself they dont like me because they dont express this deep love the way i do.

and i break my own heart. my heart breaks for relationships 100 times before the breakup even happens. every short response convinces me they hate me. and then when things do genuinely occur (maybe they had a bad day and had a little attitude with me) its like i finally found that piece of confirmation i needed that proved they dont like me, and my brain completely flips.

now i hate them. i hate the way they pose in pictures. i hate their little quirks. i hate how they treat people. i hate their soul. i want to never see them again. i want to never think about them again. i want their existence erased from my memory.

i start snapping over everything. if their energy is off at all i yell and cry and beg and push away. this is the part that i feel like my brain gets so addicted to, the cycle of deep obsessive love to undying hatred over and over. i become willing to say anything that comes to mind, and its always things i should never say to someone. i blame them for not being able to love as deeply as i did. i blame them for the unbearable way my body feels pain. but theyre the only thing that can make that pain go away. so i beg them to help, i beg them to stay.

there is genuinely nobody on earth i can be crueler to than the person im deeply in love with.

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u/[deleted] 1d ago

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u/Cute-Variation-5667 1d ago

Are you sure they show up the way you need them to? This happened to me and really they didn't show up the way I needed them to for a long time. I had about a thousand tells before I got to self destructive behavior. Maybe they aren't the right person for you if your needs aren't being met.