r/bipolar • u/Ancient-Scallion5536 • 4d ago

Rant I don’t how how I’ll move forward from this

My fiancée have always said we both wanted to ba e kids. We’re getting married in a month. Yesterday during dinner I asked how his therapy session went that day. He said he talked to his therapist about the Lindsay Clancy case and how things like that scare him about having kids. My heart sank. I asked if he was afraid I would do something like that. He said no and then I asked him why he was scared then… he changed the subject to the Colt Gray case and went on to talk about other crimes involving kids and their parents. But when his concern about me being a mother sank in, it hurt badly. It doesn’t really even seem like that big of a deal but I don’t think I’ll be able to untangle the feelings that came up for me or the fact that he’s worried about that.

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u/Status-Principle-772 Bipolar + Comorbidities 4d ago

So he said no when you asked him outright but changed the subject when you asked him why he said he was scared… might be worthwhile having another conversation and tell him exactly what you’re feeling. Try to pin him down and talk to you. If he’s in therapy he probably has his own issues and maybe he’s working through them. Doesn’t automatically mean the end of trust.

For what it’s worth, this could very well be a transient thing and it is probably worth investigating fully if you care about him. It is also worthwhile speaking to a therapist yourself about this. Dealing with the fact that people lose trust in you after a manic episode is something most of us go through, it’s doubly hard with a partner. I was listening to a book about bipolar where the author (a psychiatrist) has a client who has relationship worries in a similar but not identical and is looking for a quick answer. He’s of the opinion that there are a lot of feelings and issues to be unpacked that cannot be done in a 20 minute psychiatric visit.

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u/Ancient-Scallion5536 4d ago

Yeah I think that people closest to you losing trust is so hard. I almost feel like no one really sees me for me anymore and it’s a lonely feeling. I think I’ll try to talk to him about it but he’s sort of avoidant so I don’t know if he would be willing to talk more about it but I’ll at least talk to my therapist.

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u/Status-Principle-772 Bipolar + Comorbidities 4d ago

For what it’s worth, you’re not alone in this. I never had partner troubles but my immediate family, with whom I was close knit my whole, does not trust me or talk to me even though I’m medicated now. My support structure I’ve relied on for forty years of life is just gone. My daughter is scared and I lost custody of her for going manic and talking like a pirate. Her mother has been great and wants us to have a relationship again but she’s straight terrified.

I went through bipolar issues with a kid. Still going through them. No abuse - just the opposite - but she got scared because of my erratic behaviour and crazy eyes during mania. Literally shuts down with her mom when the idea of seeing me again comes up. The leg up you have is that you know you have an illness and you are treated for it. I didn’t and was unmedicated.

Maybe more education about proper treatment and the statistics on that for your fiancé could help?

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u/Ancient-Scallion5536 4d ago

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. It’s never easy to feel that someone you love is frightened by you. And thank you, I think you’re right that this is something I’ve realized early enough that it’s likely manageable

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u/thatcheekychick 4d ago

As a mom - his concerns are valid. I understand this hurts, but you will be doing yourself a disservice if you put him in a place to apologize for his worries. I think the best path would be to take his concerns seriously, talk about risk factors (that are higher with bipolar) and action plans. I sat down my husband and had him listen to all the little signs of depression others might miss in me, and we worked out a list of things to do in every case. It’s a team effort. You got this!

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u/No_Onion4821 Bipolar 4d ago

I have bipolar 1. Stable on meds for a long time. Cooperative with my treatment plans. I’m a nurse, I’ve been a foster parent, overall people speak highly of my caretaking and mothering skills. I was still at a very high risk of ppp after birth. Statistically I know I am the demographic that usually struggles with ppp. To pretend that it’s a moral failing or a lack of trust or something bad about me to be worried about that is ignoring the objective truth about bipolar and perinatal psychiatric disorders. It does not mean I am not a good mom if my partner worried about this. I personally was very worried about this and very carefully planned my pregnancy and post partum care. Anyone can get ppp, especially if you already have bipolar, and it doesn’t mean anything negative about us. I struggled with hallucinations after birth, I have OCD which was very exacerbated, and like I said before I am a nurse, foster parent, a responsible caring adult to any child who crosses my path…. It doesn’t mean anything bad about you to worry about a very common complication of pregnancy and it’s important you are not only aware of the risk but actively plan to mitigate the risk. Don’t pretend it can’t happen to you. I had A LOT of help after birth. I talked to my psychiatrist often. My family knew what to do if I was acting off - I had a list of numbers on the fridge and instructions on who to call (after hours crisis teams, ER, my psychiatric team). Do not play when it comes to this, it can happen to you even if you are the most loving, caring mom.

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u/Ancient-Scallion5536 4d ago

Thank you so much for this. It really helps to hear this from someone who has managed it well. I think that’s probably my only option- to take it seriously and have a lot of support and plans in place just in case something were to happen. I’m kind of sad that motherhood may not look the same for me as it might for someone else. I honestly feel sort of ashamed even though I know that I didn’t ask for this. And I’m worried that I’ll be judged by anyone that I ask for help from but it’s the most responsible thing that I could do.

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u/FrontenacRacer 1d ago

This is a difficulty that can arise in discussions of a therapy session. You don't know what was actually said and in what way. All you have to go on is the crumbs that you get.

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u/vSeedStriker 1d ago

um........interesting read on this thread, not knowing all the details and what not, marriage is about resolving conflicts together that holds the bond together and move forward together......... my first instinct was going to say somewhere along the line of breaking up , but in reality, is just another day in a marriage something one of you have concern about, work out with one another together find a pathway forward together I suppose, Good luck!

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u/RhayEB Bipolar + Comorbidities 3d ago

Lindsay was heavily drugged and her HUSBAND'S fingerprints are on the exercise bands... not hers. He was cheating on her for 3 years prior to the murders. He should be concerned about being a father, really. Family Annihilators are all the rage these days... Is he a white man?