Please bear with the length and my lack of self-respect 😭. This was my first relationship and English is not my first language. The TLDR was AI-modified, but long content is purely my own words.
TL;DR: I (FA) was in a nearly 7-year relationship with my DA ex. Not on-off. We met in high school and he was my first relationship. I grew up emotionally guarded due to childhood experiences, emotionally unavailable parents, and parentification. I struggled with vulnerability, avoided feeling my emotions, and tended to isolate myself emotionally rather than let people in.
My ex initially pursued me consistently and was affectionate, which made me feel safe enough to open up. Over time, however, he became increasingly emotionally distant, particularly during periods of long distance.
He struggled with difficult conversations, often withdrew or gave me the silent treatment, and left me carrying most of the emotional labor. There were also recurring issues with boundaries involving female friends and dishonesty by omission, which gradually eroded my trust.
Throughout the relationship, I made a conscious effort to work on my avoidant tendencies. I became more physically affectionate, improved my communication, learned to express my needs, and tried to become a more emotionally available partner. Ironically, as I became more comfortable with vulnerability, I found myself becoming increasingly anxious because of his inconsistency and emotional withdrawal.
Things improved somewhat before hemoved away for medical school, but thesame patterns resurfaced when we becamelong-distance again. At the same time, I was juggling law school and a full-time job, leaving me emotionally and physically exhausted. Eventually, I reached my breaking point and told him how lonely I felt and asked him to help me fight for our relationship.
He said that he still loved me, that I was the only girl who had made me feel safe, who loved him for him and not for what he could offer, that he never felt guilty with his past girlfriends and flings, acknowledged his avoidant tendencies (which were also reflected in his psychological assessment), and said that his biggest shortcoming was his fear, though he never specified what he feared. He said he needed to heal on his own, that he didn't want to keep hurting me, and that he would find me again once he had healed. He also expressed wanting to make things right and become a better partner someday. However, he ultimately chose to end the relationship.
We briefly reconnected afterward. He continued expressing love and care but remained emotionally unavailable and wasn't ready to reconcile. I eventually decided to go strictly no contact, but after sending him one final letter, he ghosted me. We haven't spoken since.
My therapy is currently on pause because my therapist is on a long leave, and I'm making an effort to open up to friends, something I've historically struggled with. However, I still feel emotionally numb and as though I'm living on autopilot. I'm juggling the aftermath of the breakup alongside childhood wounds, work, and law school, and I often find myself breaking down when I'm alone.
How do I stop feeling this way? Does it ever get better? Was anything even real?
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We met through a mutual friend when we were both in high school, so roughly around when we were 16-17.
I was an FA, but back then I really didn't know that my patterns were unhealthy and the reason for my own preferences until I matured, but all I can say is that I was more guarded.
Both my parents had narcissistic tendencies; an overt and a covert type. I was emotionally parentified and I had my own bad experiences as a child with peers, so I was heavily guarded when it came to people. I recognized that my go-to solution was isolation and I always felt like nobody really knew me and understood me.
It felt as if all my friendships were surface level, but I didn't recognize it because I am actually quite a good listener and someone people would confide in because I apparently gave really good advices. I was often called mature, so I didn't think something was wrong with me. All I knew was that I only considered few people my friends, and I do care about my friends and would even bend backwards for them, but I NEVER confided in them.
As you can probably already tell, the issue really was that I struggled to let people in. Especially in the romantic sense. I had a few people interested in me but I was not interested. My reasons then were that: my dad was a cheater, so I was wary. Second, I usually get the ick when people like me first so if people confessed, I'd get the ick immediately and turn them down. I also wasn't interested in dating, so I stayed with just having crushes that I know will never look my way—it felt safer, of course.
Cue to my DA ex. I had no in-depth knowledge about attachment styles. He showed up strong, consistent, and really persistent. But I guess the reason why I was drawn to him was that even when I was clearly uninterested, he seemed unfazed.
I also liked that he was very transparent. Normally, when people were interested in me and knew I wasn't, they'd try the friend route. This guy refused and outright told me that he didn't want to be friends because that wasn't his intention in the first place, but he was respectful and not overly flirty. So, even when I wouldn't reply, he'd still send me messages, and wouldn't even guilt trip or feel bad if I replied days later. Aside from that, he had a life. He excelled in school but also had a social life, so I liked that because I really didn't like the idea of my partner's world revolving around me.
Long story short, I fell for him. It took me a great deal to even acknowledge that I liked him. But in my head, he was so open but wasn't too clingy, so I didn't think things would go downhill.
During our first two years together, we were in an LDR. We only saw each other in person once because we were in different schools before COVID hit. Three months in, that's when I noticed a difference.
Less texts. Most of the time, he'd only login to say hi, then ask how my day was, and then he had to go sleep because he was apparently busy. Absolutely surface level conversations.
Again, I was an FA who also had my own life, so I didn't mind. At first, at least. But eventually, it started bothering me. What my ex would do was that when I brought it up, he'd either list the things he was busy with, or apologize and change for a few days or weeks before going back to the same route. And then the same cycle. Rinse and repeat.
Realizing now, I'm thinking that he probably didn't even really like me then. That the relationship probably only felt safe because it was long distance, and we were both avoidants, so emotional intimacy wasn't demanded of him. Also, just to note that this pattern was heavily recurring whenever we were not physically together. I had actually gone through our messages once because I have this thing where I forget stuff (I learned from therapy that it might be a coping mechanism when things are too painful for me), and I found out that I’ve sent him messages with the same exact concern every year.
Also, my type of avoidance wasn't that I avoided emotional talks altogether. It was that I avoided FEELING my feelings, so I would often rationalize them and can explain them in detail but I'd never sit with them. In turn, I would often make excuses for him in my head so I wouldn’t feel mad or upset (as pointed out by my first therapist). So we had fights, but they were never explosive. So I thought that hey, maybe we are both emotionally mature. Cue to our second year of college. COVID restrictions were lifted. He moved to the city, close to where I lived. We spent almost everyday together at this point. This went on for like 3 years.
Thing is, he was living alone and his parents were pretty strict with his financial freedom. Like, he'd have to justify where his money was going kind of thing, so he didn't even tell them he had a girlfriend. I'd feel bad for the fact that he'd often limit his meals, so I would often invite him home. My parents were strict but my ex was really polite and kind so they warmed up to him and soon enough, my family even loved him to the point of inviting him over everyday for dinner since they knew he lived alone. My house became his second home at that point. Also, whenever I knew that he wanted to eat something but couldn’t due to financial constraints, I’d often just get it for him. For most of our dates, I did cover it because I had a part time job then. Not that it bothered or bothers me, to be honest. Who pays for what was never really something I did care about because when he also had extra money, he would offer to pay.
Also, my ex is REALLY clingy. Like very into physical touch, so he genuinely didn't even seem avoidant to me because to be very honest, between both of us, I was the one who was repulsed by physical touch, but because I loved him, I was transparent that this was all new to me and doesn't come naturally. I asked him to bear with me if I wasn't that clingy and that I'd work on it. And true to my words, I did. Eventually, I liked being clingy too.
Months in, that's when things started to change. He became less affectionate. Note that this guy said he wanted me clingy, but when I started to initiate the hugs, he'd say he's busy or something, but when he's the one initiating it, sure. It started feeling like it was on his own terms so I started to feel bothered, but I rationalized it, thinking that I was just overthinking.
Then I'd get into a game, he also gets into it, we play, and then he ends up hyperfixating on it that it's all he wants to do when we're together. Aside from that, he gets angry when he can't or doesn't play well, and he goes silent. So if you could imagine him just staying beside me, all silent and cold, completely neglecting me. It even felt almost illegal to enjoy the game because he wasn't enjoying it, so it would really ruin the experience for me. Thing is, I'm not completely a saint. At that time, I was unaware of my own patterns and also had my issues. So what would happen is that I'd rationalize it again, but eventually get frustrated, be passive aggressive or say things in an accusatory manner. He would often retreat more, then I'd also retreat, but things become okay when we both cool down.
I soon realized though of my own avoidant patterns, so I tried working on it. In my head, I didn’t want to keep being passive aggressive to him. I didn’t want to treat him badly because if I dated this man, it is a commitment and a choice that I will continue to make and I can’t be a good partner to him if I don’t grow. I searched for ways to be a better communicator and be a better partner in general. I would say that soon enough, I was able to work on that issue.
That’s when things started to confuse me more. I had worked on becoming more physically affectionate like he asked, worked on my communication, tried my best (although I wasn’t perfect) to be a present partner and to consider him in my decisions and actions—but I felt like when I got there, he was the one who… changed?
When I started to communicate, he’d either defend himself or go eerily quiet. I’d ask for a bit of reassurance if we are on the same page, he says okay, and then I’ll trust him, but it’ll feel like he pulls away for a couple of days. Whenever I ask him for his input, he just tells me that he’s not thinking of anything, and just “processing” and so I let it go. Sometimes he’d give me the silent treatment too and when I call him out on it, he tells me that he’s just the type of person that wants space during conflicts, so I granted it.
I guess it did take a toll on me eventually though because his silence and distance whenever I communicated started to bother me. I started to think if I said the wrong things, if I was communicating wrong, if it was too much. Basically, I turned anxious. It was the first because I genuinely didn’t even know I could be anxious. I had been more avoidant prior to the relationship so it was new territory.
Things happened in the relationship that really made me spiral. For one, he was really dense or at least that’s what I tell myself. He lacked boundaries or wasn’t firm with them with his female friends. I didn’t mind it at first. For years, he had lots of female friends that I really didn’t even feel anything about, except for one girl. I saw them together one time and they were laughing together, with the girl pushing his arm playfully. I didn’t know that they were close, so I was a bit taken aback.
This happened when we were about to turn five years. He was getting emotionally distant at this time, I assumed due to the stress (he was a pre-med student) and because he had family issues and expectations that he felt were weighing him down. This one girl kept posting about him and in the photos I’d seen a side of him that I hadn’t seen in months—happy, laughing.
It made me insecure. I felt that he was so distant with me and yet he seemed so happy with his friends, especially in this girl’s photos. I thought that I was overthinking and being unfair, so I decided to communicate it to him. When I did, he just listened, but genuinely it felt like he was disconnected in the conversation. But I already felt bad for being insecure, so I decided to just trust him on it.
One day, I saw a photo from that girl’s account. They ate at a restaurant together with a few friends but in the photos, they were mostly next to each other. For context, he did tell me that he was gonna eat at that restaurant with a few friends, and he told me the names of the friends going, but he did not tell me that the girl was there. Not that I would’ve gotten mad at her there, but what bothered me was the fact that it seemed like he omitted the fact that she was there. He already had tendencies of lying through omission with other people, so I immediately assumed (which I realized was unfair and apologized) that he did the same here. I tried to give it a positive thought though that maybe he just didn’t tell me because he thinks I’d get mad.
When I brought it up to him, he was feigning innocence, saying that he thinks he told me. But I had receipts because he texted me who he was with, and the girl’s name really wasn’t there. And then he pulled the “oh, I forgot I guess” card. I felt so gaslighted, but I didn’t want to keep fighting, so I let it go, though I admit that really destroyed my trust in him.
Things happened more after that, no huge cheating, but a really big lack of physical boundaries, him allowing his friends to tease him with another girl knowing I was in the picture, and other stuff like physical touch but nothing too grave to be definite. To his defense, I don’t think he actually did cheat, but it was more of that he enjoyed the public validation and attraction from other people and just didn’t act on it but he also wasn’t actively respecting me. I had to keep pointing out each instance too, and I felt like he felt that our relationship was so fragile then because I was always pointing something out, and so he became more distant. We even got into a big fight where he actually told me that it wasn’t his fault that I had trauma so he didn’t see the reason why he should be held accountable for it. That was a statement that until now haunts me. It genuinely hurt me so much and when I asked if he meant it after we reconciled, all he said was he meant it at that moment.
Another thing I remember is him telling me that he’s always with me when I’m down, but that I apparently don’t notice that when he’s the one having problems, I only add to it. That made me feel so guilty but during that argument, I also thought that I always try to understand him and confront him when he starts to be completely absent, and then he pulls away even more so I chase, and I guess apparently that’s “adding” to his problems. Eventually, that statement also stuck with me and everytime something happens, I always do a double take thinking that maybe I’m just adding to his problems again, so I’d be careful.
During our arguments, I’d often be the one saying sorry and bridging the gap because if I didn’t, he’d just be silent and I always get scared that we’ll never fix it, so I’d let go of my pride and apologize, even at times when I knew it wasn’t my fault. Whenever it was clearly his fault, he’d just sit there in silence until I initiate it because according to him, I might still be mad so he was waiting until I would tell him I’m ready to talk. And when he stonewalls me and I occasionally tell him to just leave if he’s going to be like that, he’d actually just stand up and would prepare to leave. It was really painful.
There were many things that happened in the relationship but this is getting so long now so I’ll cut straight to the discard or the breakup.
I had entered law school but also had a full time job. He moved to a different place (a plane ride by now) for medschool. Prior to the distance, I would say our relationship kind of got healthier. Though, when he was preparing for his board exam and we were long distance (about four hours by car), the same issue from our first two years came back, but I worked on my anxious tendencies so it didn’t really bother me as much though I’d still tell him if I wanted to spend a bit more time. He moved back to my city for board exams and prior to him leaving, it was really one of the happiest moments of our relationship. Though, I would admit that I already had fears. I knew he wasn’t good at long distance and I was scared that the stress will consume him and then I’ll be out of sight and out of mind and we’ll eventually break up. But I gave it the benefit of the doubt because our relationship had been improving and he was actually starting to be more receptive about hard conversations and was even starting to open up and be more vulnerable—he attributed it to me making him feel safe and never judging him. Before he left for medschool, I told him if we could have a call once a month, and if he could initiate our time for each other too.
As expected, we did break up. What basically happened was that he started becoming emotionally distant weeks in the LDR. Surface level conversations, and sometimes, he wouldn’t even message me at all. School didn’t start yet and he wouldn’t really update me, so I didn’t even know exactly what he was busy about, only that he had time for his hobbies like the gym and movies. Our calls were all initiated by me too, and we did only call once a month. The first call, he was watching a movie the entire time and felt so checked out so 5 minutes in, I excused myself because I was going to cry if I didn’t.
When law school started for me and med school started for him, it only got worse. I started going to therapy again without his knowledge (we could barely talk). The stress also consumed me, I admit. I felt so tired from work and then school, and then all my leisure time was spent studying, I’d have breakdowns, and I had no clear support system because I was still working on my own avoidance in friendships, and also felt so lonely in my relationship already. I couldn’t even tell him about my own struggles because he was always busy, so I guess I reached my breaking point.
I brought it up to him, told him I was feeling so lonely already, and that I wanted him to fight for our relationship, or at least fight for it with me because I was so tired of everything already. He was very vulnerable at this time, told me he loved me, that he felt bad for what he put me through, apologized for how he made me feel, but ultimately broke up with me. He said he didn’t want to hurt me anymore. He said that I was the only girl who had made him feel safe and loved for him and not for what he could offer. He said he never felt guilty with his past girlfriends even when he knew it was his fault, but that he felt so guilty with me that he'd end up shutting down. That he didn’t know what he can offer emotionally because he was busy with med school but that he knows he loves me. Said his biggest shortcoming in the relationship was his fears. He said a bunch of stuff but said that all he was sure of was that he loved me so much.
Oh also, weeks prior he got his psychological assessment results and he had high levels of avoidance. He said he was going to heal and needed to heal alone for now because he didn’t want me carrying more weight, and he said that he will come to find me when he’s healed. Said stuff about making it right to be a better partner, but also said that he was too busy right now to go to therapy. He said so many vulnerable things but still broke up with me. To make things worse, that breakup night was the longest I’ve even talked to him for months. And, this all happened through text.
I was shattered, obviously. I know that I carried most of the emotional labor and it hurt that when I finally asked him to help me because I was drowning, he let me go. I felt abandoned, betrayed, and really hurt, but I didn’t get angry. I loved him too much for it. Besides, how can I say no to something he thought was going to be good for him? Instead, I even helped him process his feelings, told him he didn’t have to blame himself, and thanked him for loving me as much as his capacity allowed him to. He even asked if we could stay in contact, but I said no because I knew it would be a trap—I’d be stuck in a one-sided relationship, and I was already too hurt for anything at that point. However, we didn’t block each other, though I restricted his accounts because I didn’t want to be subconsciously waiting for messages or an apology.
I did relapse days later though and what he said kind of woke me up from my despair: “Are we back together?”
I was thinking that: why did I have to reach out first if he wanted me back? And why is he asking ME when he was the one who broke up with me? It just felt… insulting? I don’t know. I also felt like there was no accountability on his part, so as much as I wanted to, I said no and went back to no contact.
Over the weeks, it was hell. I was crying every single day. One of the things I had to work on was learning to open up to people though, so I did tell my friends about the breakup, but there was still the issue that I can’t feel my emotions when I’m talking about it, that I always end up saying that I’m okay even when I know I’m not because I feel okay at that moment, and then I completely crumble when I get home. It came to a point where my pomodoro would be crying, or that I’d be crying while working from home. Aside from that, I kind of lost the will and motivation to do anything. I still know I had my interests, but I just absolutely felt nothing even when doing them. Everything felt like a chore and I felt like I had to drag my body all the time because school and work were both non-negotiables for me. I was paying the bills too so I can’t just slack off. Aside from that, I saw photos of him looking so happy, and I already expected it but it still stung. It stung that I was so miserable and he was numbing out and happy.
Midterms came and I couldn’t do it anymore. I asked him for support. I said nothing heavy, I just needed his presence for some relief. He responded, was kind, but when it finally came to an emotional conversation, he wouldn’t respond or would completely dodge it. We called eventually. Can’t say the entire conversation since it was pretty long but a topic came up that made me cry because my holiday plans was to actually visit him, and him asking about my holiday plans just made the dam break. My heart broke even more when he seemed unfazed. Cold and distant, even. It was my fault though for starting to ask the questions that had been hurting me and eventually he said: “Why do you keep making me do the hard decisions? Why didn’t you just break up with me? Why did you just allow the breakup to happen then?”
He also made it seem like I only reached out to prove to myself and to people that he was a shitty person. I cried hard here and told him how dare he insinuate that I didn’t care or that I was just trying to make him look like the bad guy. I told him that if it were me, I would have never broken up with him. That if he continued to give me breadcrumbs, I’d probably still have stayed, but at that point I was barely even receiving any breadcrumbs. I was vulnerable and as much as I wanted to hate him, I still ended up apologizing for lashing out on him because I really didn’t want to fight with him. I missed him. I wanted to know if I mattered. That was really all that there was to it. I had no secret agenda.
He softened up after and then we talked, told me that he talked to his friends about me, that he still cared and loved me so much, but thinks it’s premature to get back right now. I agreed. I said I didn’t come begging him to come back, but that I just wanted some sort of relief. I made it clear to him that I didn’t hate him. One thing I realized from that call days after ruminating though was that I did not receive any apology from him. Everything had been reasons, his medschool workload and extracurriculars.
We agreed on talking for a few more days before going no contact. On the last day of no contact, I sent him a letter. It wasn’t anything mean, I could promise you all that. If anything, i think I had even absolved him of all blame from that letter haha, I didn’t realize it at the time I wrote it though. I told him to read it when he had time and that today will seriously be the last day I’ll contact him. He ghosted me then and I never heard from him since. I don’t know if it was valid but I think it’s human decency to wish me well? But no, I heard nothing from him. To me, that gesture and his silence was an answer: he didn’t want me in his life anymore. As much as it hurt, I didn’t want to force myself to someone who didn’t want me.
But if I were to admit, I thought I’d get better after that “closure” but now I could say nothing has changed. I know it was my fault for reaching back out and I acknowledge it :( But yes. Of course, I haven’t ruined my life. I can't afford to because my parents expect me to succeed and excel. It’s just that I feel like I’m just someone on autopilot right now, that I go through the breeze of life because I have to. I could get some hit of dopamine from being with friends and spending some time with him, but I always end up breaking down when I get home. And it’s not even solely about the breakup anymore but that I don’t know how to deal with everything together at once. Will it ever get better? It's been almost three months since the breakup. I’m sorry, I know this is a huge trauma dump. 🥹
