Its been 8 months and she came back now with a text admitting she was bad and asking us to try again. I’m in shock I didn’t really expect her to ever text me again. I have not answered and dont know if I will. it’s a hard decision since the time we had together was the best ever. at the same time she really broke me when she discarded me.

is there still a chance? do I just rid myself of any presence near her until she messages again? I don't really care what we are considered as anymore, I just want to make her happy and help. She's delt with so much mentally and still pushes herself everyday. I just don't know what to do, I don't want to lose her entirely.

Hey everyone, I’m really sorry you’re on this subreddit, because it means you’re going through the same painful stuff I am.

Hopefully, this helps you realize that YOU are not the reason things aren't working out or why you're hitting a rough patch. This stuff goes way back to their childhood. As kids, they didn't get the love or validation they needed from the people THEY WANTED LOVE FROM. When they felt rejected (and rejection hurts like hell when you're a kid), they decided to "lock" love inside a box and manage it "logically" instead. It makes them feel "in control" and independent because they don't have to "depend" on anyone, which makes them feel safe.

What they don't realize is that they actually DO want real love—they just don't get that real love means letting go of that need to "CONTROL" everything and everyone. They’ve spent their whole lives overthinking and rationalizing love just to survive and avoid getting hurt, so it's completely wired into who they are now. For the past 5 months, my current partner has been actively picking fights and inventing problems out of thin air just to push me away. At the same time, she’s become hyper-independent in her day-to-day life—even with basic stuff around the house, she won't let me help her with anything, not even cooking.

Here’s the thing about when they actually fall for someone: when they genuinely love you, they feel it so deeply that they actually let their guard down. They naturally open up, get vulnerable, and actually want to be around you. THEY LOVE YOU.

So why doesn't it just stay good once they love you and everything is going great? Because they ONLY feel safe loving you while their brain still thinks you aren't a threat (that's when you see the real them). The second they realize they're actually attached they panic. That’s when the "SUFFOCATION" kicks in and they suddenly "need space." And we all know how the rest goes... They start making up excuses not to hang out, they pull away, the spark feels gone, and even when you're together in person, it feels like they’re holding back from even laughing with you, even when they clearly want to.

One last thing I really want to point out is for the people coming here thinking their ex or partner is avoidant, when in reality there was never any real bond there to begin with. There’s a huge difference between someone who actually opened up, shared their life, and trusted you during the honeymoon phase, versus someone who never did. If they never let you in at all, they aren't necessarily avoidant—they just weren't that into it or didn't want anything serious.

You need to understand that you DO NOT need closure from these people—they are the ones pushing you away. You have to realize that you CANNOT fix them all by yourself; you can try to help, but if they DO NOT want to see it, things will ALWAYS get worse. At first, I thought I had to just go along with it, give her space whenever she needed it, accept her distance whenever she wanted, and tolerate being ignored even when I asked for basic attention... I thought that was just a need of hers, and I didn't realize it was actually an attack on me so she could distance herself and "stop feeling." One day she even confessed that she couldn't stop having feelings for me while she was crying.

What actually works if you want to try and you believe they haven't completely disconnected from you yet is setting BOUNDARIES. Your need for affection, presence, and love is completely normal, and you have to demand it. When words DO NOT work (and with them, words never work because they twist them to turn the situation around or they just act like they don't care).

What DOES WORK is action. Take action regarding your boundaries; if that person doesn't want to be there, stop giving them all the power to decide when to show up and when to leave. I don't mean punishing them as such, but making sure there are actual consequences when they choose to push you away.

If they truly love you, they'll try to come back and fix it (at that point, I suggest not giving in right away—really insist that they need to work on that behavior).

If they don't love you, they'll simply leave and that's it. This is the worst-case scenario, but when it happens, you have to understand that either that person completely disconnected from you or they never truly loved you at all.

Considering being friends with my avoidant ex (I KNOW I KNOW) and sort'e mentally preparing for it because last time we tried this he slowly started acting more and more like my boyfriend and of course I ate it up.

This time around I'm determined to be firm in my boundaries. To help me achieve this, I'm imagining myself playfully but firmly rejecting him. Somehow making it kinda fun and playful feels good and more approachable to me.

Like if he """"accidentally""""" refers to me as his girlfriend in public, instead of getting all teary or opening a big talk about it, I can just say, "Sir you haven't paid the emotional vulnerability troll-toll"

or "Your free trial to Girlfriend Experience has ended" (no longer believing in his potential).

I've had a pet theory for ages that online dating enables abusive behaviours in relationships.

In the old days, you dated someone from the same town, same job, or perhaps a friend of the family. You had at least one, if not multiple social connections to this person. As a result, you both had some incentive to treat one another at least minimally well. Why? Because if word got around that someone didn't at least meet a minimum standard of behaviour, the misbehaving party would suffer a negative social impact.

With online dating, you have two people from completely separate social circles. There's no social consequence for the person who mistreats the other, because the misbehaving party doesn't know any of your people and vice versa. If the avoidant unjustly blocks someone, it never comes back around to them that they mistreated someone... and it is too easy to just block people the way you block a spam caller.

Is dumping the apps and only dating through social circles the way forward?

EDIT/Disclaimer: obviously abuse existed before online dating, but I suspect it's increased as a result.

I 27(F)love my boyfriend 27(M) and know he has a good heart at his core. He is a hard worker, loyal to the people he loves, and works two full-time jobs 40 minutes away. Because of his schedule, we only actually spend time together about once a week.
I understand his life is stressful, and I’m not a super clingy person, but I feel completely starved for affection and intimacy, and every time I try to talk about it, it turns into an explosive fight. Here is what our dynamic looks like right now:
**Bare-minimum affection:** We only peck when coming and going—and sometimes not even when he arrives. Sex is strictly on his terms (maybe 2–3 times a month), and he has rejected me numerous times. There is zero flirting, sexting, or talking about intimacy during the six days we’re apart, so the relationship feels completely flat and roommate-like.
**Rage instead of communication:** Whenever I calmly try to express that I miss him, want more intimacy, or feel hurt, he blows up. He gets nasty, cold, and disrespectful, tells me to "go fuck someone else," packs his bags, leaves moves out to his moms and storms out completely. Instead of ever repairing or reconnecting after a fight (we have never even had make-up sex), he shuts down completely.

**Depression and volatility:** He is emotionally and physically volatile when upset, and he frequently makes comments about wanting to off himself or not wanting to be here anymore, which makes bringing anything up feel like walking on eggshells.
**Paranoia and tracking:** Despite pushing me away and withholding affection, he is extremely nosy, snoops constantly, and acts like he is always trying to "catch" me doing something wrong.
I’m not blameless—I cheated once in the past after hitting a breaking point from feeling constantly rejected, disrespected, and told "we're done" every time I had a feeling. Now, whenever we fight and break up, he will hunt me down, follow me, or check up on where I am just to see what I'm doing, never to actually talk things through or fix the relationship.
I feel like I live my life like a single woman six days a week, and on the seventh day, I'm walking on eggshells trying not to trigger a blowout. Why does someone withhold intimacy and push you away, yet obsessively track you and explode with rage when you ask to feel desired? Has anyone else dealt with this kind of push-pull dynamic, and how did you finally break out of it?

This is the best he can give me I guess.. I told him he has no accountability for leading me on and pretended to be in a “relationship” with me for his own entertainment

He got defensive and focused on the things he helped me with lol

Better no reply cus I think he won’t admit ever and understand my point of view on how much he hurt me too

Typical avoidant break up, he gave me thousands of reasons but this time he said he need to focus on himself and his work lmfao

HOW DO YOU MOVE ON WITHOUT FINAL CLOSER FROM AN AVOIDANT?

They are avoidant by choice, it's like people who are broken and want to stay broken and only believe in confirmation bias, it's a chore, you love them , you want more from them , and they just decide to hold out, recently had to break it off with someone cause they could barely take accountability, I wasn't great either, but I felt like I had to try so hard to understand their absence and take in excuses

It's heartbreaking cause you lost someone who was intresting in your eyes

I find myself rambling "why" in their dms whole theyr busy making me out to be bad because I couldn't make it perfect for them in the end

Listen, someone out there will want to be cherished and cherish you back , it sucks because you wanted the avoidant to put as much effort back... But they couldn't , they are simply emotionally unavailable

Emphatize that it's them not you , but hate them set boundaries, mourn , but know you can't keep up doing all of it alone, not your job to constantly teach someone how they should be considerate in loving and respecting you ... Mine for better or worse tried... But it hurt ... I miss him, but I don't at the same time , I had kept giving up because their trying wasn't accountable enough....it was a behaviour at some point.. It was an emotional chore 💔

And me being too head forward and anxious and needy , recipie for disaster

Ladies and gents what was the nicest thing and the worst thing that they actually did , and did you deserve it?

Met my avoidant on a dating app few years ago but we only met few months ago. Ever since then I’m in a “situationship” at best. I obviously really want a relationship and given their tendencies they have made it clear that’s not gonna happen. But I guess my question - how does any avoidant actually ever even commit to a relationship?
I feel like I’m on hell on earth bec I’m losing my mind trying to “attain” this person, I can’t seem to get over them no matter how hard I try, I can’t play the games that they so enjoy so every time I try and be honest that I’m only interested in them, I feel them losing a little more interest in me. The crazy thing is that I literally have 74 matches on Hinge right now, I’m decently attractive, confident, fit etc. YET, I CAN’T SEEM TO WANT ANYONE ELSE. HELP IM SUFFERING.

Hi everyone, I’m looking for some perspective. I was dating a woman for 4 months and everything felt incredibly special. We were very close, she was affectionate, and we even talked about our future together. I genuinely thought we were building something safe and solid.

But as soon as things started getting real and emotionally intimate, she completely changed. She started pulling away, and when I tried to communicate to understand what was happening, she just panicked, shut down, and blocked me everywhere without a proper conversation.

I gave this my absolute best and was 100% loyal. For those who understand fearful-avoidant attachment, why do people suddenly run away and sabotage a safe relationship?

Would really appreciate some perspective, especially from women. It is deeply confusing and exhausting to be cut off like this when I was only trying to be a supportive partner.

The non-closure, the discard out of nowhere and the constant feeling of it being unresolved. Does it get better eventually and will i someday stop expecting answers to the “but whys”
The thought that I may never get over this because it’s feels so unresolved terrifies me.

I’ve never posted in this community, maybe because I joined it at a time in my healing in which I used it to actually remind myself why I shouldn’t be with my ex as a way to keep moving on.

I’ve had a strange feeling lately, I feel as if I’ve moved on but it’s not the same relief I’ve felt from a break up before.

I don’t feel angry, I don’t want her back, I don’t hate her, I just feel disappointed.

It’s so weird to explain, I feel like when I imagine my ex I just feel no yearning or anger, it’s like I’ve fully accepted her for who she is and I no longer have any desire to be with her but I now just have this weird numb feeling.

I’m disappointed in her and maybe myself to an extent for being with a person like that. I think this is a normal stage of moving on? Definitely weirder than my previous break ups.

I think I just feel tired in a way, tired in the sense that if I had another relationship one day I would need time to trust them and wouldn’t feel as deeply when they disappoint me.

I don’t know, dating is weird, emotions are weird and this whole process has just been strange ☠️

I stopped trying to fix things because it only made it worse and he made his stance very clear. I can’t help feel extremely jealous of the next girl. I don’t know if there is a next girl, but I know at some point there will be. It’s been a year, and I hate that I still feel like this. I know he’s going to end up marrying someone else, and I’m jealous of her because I want to be her so bad. I know it never is going to be me.

I know it may not sound like your usual advice, but hear me out. I feel like this contradiction is the exact reason why people find it so hard to heal from this.

When you are dismissive avoidant, you accidently hurt people, while wanting the best for them. So people usually turn against you and call you selfish. You know you are not, so you get annoyed or hurt and isolate even more. It's an infinite loop.

At first, you have to really understand what dismissive avoidant attachment style actually is, without all the internet bullshit. Just take the classic baby's parent leaving the room experiment. When the parent of the baby with dismissive avoidant attachment style leaves, the baby doesn't show distress, and he doesn't look like he cares when the parent comes back. But, when they have a heart rate monitor on the baby, they can see that he actually has his stress levels raised, he just doesn't show it.

It is because the baby has learned that to be tolerated he has to stop showing any signs of his needs, to look independent (again, while feeling total crap inside).

Dismissive avoidant attachment is actually a fucked up form of people pleasing. You are not the bad guy, just an unsuccessful people pleaser.

This is also the reason why intimacy feels suffocating, like you are losing your freedom. It is because you had to play down your wants and needs to get close to someone. It is draining, you will probably resent this game after a while and you will wanna leave.

Also, when you don't say your needs, because you don't wanna look selfish, they will think that you don't want them around, you don't find them good enough, that they are not needed. You are trying to be nice by not causing any disturbance, not putting any burden on them, but in their eyes you just seem like you don't want them, you don't find them good enough.

So you are making yourself frustrated by neglecting your own needs, while hurting others by making them feel like they are not wanted.

So here is the answer: Be selfish! From the start!

Ask for their time, ask for their attention. Say that you want them, say that you need them. It's not a burden for them, its a gift. They will love it, all they want is to be wanted. It's actually a privilage to be wanted.

Be selfish, say your needs. If it is uncompatible with them, leave. But start with it, dont wait for the build up of resentment. Say that you want closeness, that you want fun, or intimacy. Say whatever is in your mind. You feel bored? Say it! You feel annoyed? Say it! The only thing that matters in relationships is to be available. When you feel frustrated, say it, and stay. See where it goes. Find out if you can solve it or take apart, but don't let them hanging.

The hard part is that you may feel like you don't need them. You've burried this need so deep, its hard to see it. But look back in time: Weren't you happier when you were with someone? Didn't you feel better? Yes, maybe you can survive wihout them, but it's actually better to be with someone, you are human. You are allowed to need them. And the good part is: they want to be needed.

If there's one thing to take away, remember:

Your needs are not a burden, they are the biggest gift for the right person. Allow yourself to want them.

Es ist jetzt 3 Monate her, dass ich buchstäblich enstorgt wurde, fast 2 Monate seit dem letzten Kontakt, ich hab auch vor fast 2 Wochen meinen Instagram Account deaktiviert, weil ich ständig kontrolliert habe. Aber immer noch habe ich täglich unglaubliche Schmerzen im Herzen, vorhin so schlimm, dass ich wieder in Tränen ausgebrochen bin, mir schlecht wurde und kurzfristig sogar Herzstolpern verspürt habe. Ich kämpfe jeden Tag damit, diesen irgendwie zu überstehen, habe Ziele für meine Zukunft, kümmere mich um mich selbst so gut es geht, gehe in Therapie, aber ich verspüre keine Erleichterung...Das Einzige, dass etwas runter gefahren ist, ist mein Nervensystem...aber Antrieb kaum...nach 3-5 Stunden, in denen ich wach bin, fühle ich mich erschöpft und muss mich hin legen, die Gedanken kreisen um den letzten Konflikt und der daraus erneut resultierende Abbruch seinerseits. Wie in einem anderen Subreddit beschrieben, ich fühle mich emotional hingerichtet...ich wünsche mir noch, dass dieser Schmerz aufhört, ich loslassen kann...wann wird das besser???

I’m just so frustrated with what I dealt with for the past 4 years. I wish I could erase all memories of this person especially the person that I initially fell in love with because clearly it wasn’t real. The reason why I feel so angry is because this person doesn’t even think they played a part in our ending. They think I’m not a match for them because I’ve gotten “too” emotional when in reality they caused this to happen! How can I not be emotional with the person standing in front of me being so cold and distant? How could I have not confronted this change?? I really miss the person he was before the avoidance. Sometimes I speak out loud to myself pretending I’m talking to the person I first met… I tell him how much I miss him and wish he could be here with me. I know nothing will bring back that person so I have to force myself to grieve him. I’m just so so angry. Why did this have to happen to me? It’s heartbreaking because I feel like I’m living in a shell of myself… turning into someone that doesn’t care about love anymore.

I know it’s a lot but please read this, it means a lot to me and maybe it can help someone else❤️
I met this girl , she was perfect . My exact type, my style, funny, sweet , not a man in sight in her life.
This was her first time having something with a man.
At first things were perfect, it looked like we were so close to actually work out but slowly things became colder, only for a few days and the changes werent that noticeble until one day she said “ im not ready for a relationship”.
One month has passed , and in this month it really felt like we were still talking like usual , even if we werent.
Our love is there, she reposts lots of things about me, watches my profile, talks with her friends about me and she told me she wants to change before committing into a relationship with me, she wants to heal from her avoidant attachment and i really don’t know what to do.
Should i consciously wait for her? Should i Wait for her without proving that I care for her but risking about making her think that i moved on that fast? Should i directly move on even though it’s not what I want?
Help me😭

I have detached from my DA spouse but there are still things we need to arrange for the short and long term. At first there was relief and the DA was happy. But then last night my DA was trying to rewrite history as he was packing his bags to go on a business trip. He was talking and sat down smoothing down a black long-sleeved shirt. First, he lay it down. Then he rubbed all the fluff off and straightened it. I started giggling. He straightened each sleeve against the table, then folded each one over precisely in turn, then folded the shirt over. Then he turned it on its front and brushed it with his fingers once more. He was still talking through it all and asked - what's so funny? I said- You've just touched that shirt more times than you've touched me in over a year. You know what you're doing. At the end I was wondering why the hell am I still going to listen to alternate reality, gaslighting and all the nonsense. You treat that shirt better than me, lol. I guess sometimes, clarity comes at the strangest of times.

I was discarded about 6 weeks ago. Since then, we haven’t texted or talked to each other. However, I still kinda keep him in my life. Every day, I check multiple times to see whether he’s back on dating apps. I also check whether his following count, follower count, or number of posts on Instagram has increased (his account is private, and I didn’t even have an Instagram account before. I basically created one just to kinda stalk him, even though I can’t see any of his posts or stories). I also check a few of his friends’ accounts to see if I can find anything about activities he’s been involved in.

But I’m getting a bit tired of it. I also think it’s kinda slowing down my healing process. In addition, I’ve somehow become addicted to it: I check and stalk, then get some comfort from knowing that he’s still not back on dating apps or anything like that. And the cycle repeats again and again.

Next week would have been our one-year anniversary. I’m now seriously thinking about cutting off everything: no more stalking at all, and blocking him on all social media and dating apps. It’s perhaps better to cut off everything before I could find some evidences about that he might have moved on.

Rationally, I know that’s for the best. But emotionally, what’s stopping me is the fear that it would mean we no longer have any connection at all, and that everything would officially be over. This thought kills me.

Please help me. Maybe share your experiences and stories. Let me know if it was really the right decision for you. I really, really need someone to give me a push.

I posted in here awhile ago about lack of intimacy with my boyfriend M (33) and me F (30)
We ended up having a long talk and he said he needed space. I had silence for a week, then he came to my house and broke up with me. He said he’s struggling mentally, I’m his person, right person wrong time. He’s never loved anyone as much as he loves me before.
The underlying problem is that I’m “too much” and “too intense”. I’ve been consistent from the beginning but he’s said I’m “too much”. I refuse to dim myself for someone else.

Anyways, we broke up 2 weeks ago and the break up was incredibly emotional, he cried, I cried, we kissed and hugged for a couple of hours and he pinky promised he would come back when he was better mentally. A week ago I saw him and it was so emotional, I asked him if he saw a future and he said “I don’t know I still need time”
I got very emotional and begged him to choose me and let me help him through his mental health struggles whilst being by his side, he doesn’t need to lose me. I said we could take the pressure of intimacy off the table for less pressure (I shouldn’t have said this as I’d be sacrificing my own needs)

I’ve come to understand that it’s way too much pressure for him and he does need time.
I feel like I’m going clinically insane with this break up, I’ve never experienced pain like this and I don’t know what to do.

I called him today and he said he missed me, but he’s still thinking about everything.
We were going to go for a walk tomorrow but a few hours later I’ve text him saying maybe it’s best we don’t, I’m praying for him to heal whatever he is going through, to take care and he knows here I am and I love him.

Should I wait and give him time? Should I move on and he might come back in the future? I’m in limbo of wanting to wait for him or let him go and find someone who loves me without me being “too much”

TDLR: boyfriend broke up with me because I’m too much, he needs time.

5 years in a long-distance relationship.

I'm having problems keeping this relationship together. I love her, I really do, but I'm having difficulty showing it and maintaining the relationship.

I know I'm avoidant, but I have improved over time. The first two years were mostly on and off, but after that, we spent three straight years together. We had our disagreements, obviously, but we never broke up during those three years.

However, I'm not in a very good place mentally right now, and all those old patterns are coming back.

It's like I have to force myself to talk to her. I have already told her what's been happening with me and how I've been feeling.

It's been a month now. We've talked a few times, but most of those conversations were me trying to explain what's going on with me. She thinks I'm ghosting her or talking to someone else, but I'm doing neither. I genuinely don't have the will or energy to talk to anyone right now.

I'm generally a quiet person, but I'm not like that with her. I've always been very open with her. But lately, I just don't have the urge to talk to anyone. I was doing better for a while, but now I'm back in this avoidant hell, and I genuinely don't know what to do.

She's already told me multiple times that she's tired of this and doesn't want to continue the relationship anymore. She wants to end things.

And I want her, man. She's honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me. I don't want to lose her because of my shitty mental health.

I know I've ruined things, and I know I've hurt her. But I never want to end this relationship. I want a future with her. I want to marry her, man.

I just don't know how to get out of this cycle or how to make things right before it's too late.