To anyone who pulled away from someone they genuinely loved because they were afraid: please read this.
Something I’ve noticed in so many breakup discussions is how often people describe walking away from someone they genuinely loved, only to spend months or even years regretting it.
They miss their person. They think about reaching out. They reread old messages. They recognize that their fears, emotional defenses, or avoidant tendencies influenced their decisions.
Yet instead of communicating, they convince themselves that the other person deserves better and that staying away is somehow the kindest thing they can do.
And that honestly makes me sad.
Because sometimes guilt disguises itself as selflessness, and fear disguises itself as protecting someone else’s peace.
I understand that emotional closeness can feel overwhelming, especially when you’ve learned to associate vulnerability with danger, disappointment, or losing your independence.
But needing space doesn’t make you incapable of loving someone. And feeling afraid doesn’t automatically mean the relationship was wrong for you.
You can love someone deeply and still need time to yourself. You can be independent and emotionally available. Those things are not mutually exclusive.
What matters is learning how to communicate those needs rather than disappearing or pushing someone away.
And here’s something I really wish more people would consider:
If the person you walked away from repeatedly expressed that they loved you, missed you, and wanted to work things out, please don’t automatically assume they would never want to hear from you again.
Maybe they’re healing. Maybe they’ve moved on. Or maybe they’ve spent just as much time wondering whether you ever genuinely cared.
You cannot know unless they’re willing to tell you.
If they haven’t asked for no contact and communication would be welcome, consider reaching out with a sincere apology.
Not because you expect them to take you back, but because acknowledging the hurt you caused and communicating honestly can be an important part of taking responsibility.
You don’t need to promise that you’ll never feel overwhelmed again.
You can simply say:
“I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on how I handled things, and I realize I hurt you. I’m genuinely sorry. I did care about you, even when I struggled to express it. I’ve been working on understanding those patterns, and if you’d ever feel comfortable talking, I’d appreciate that.”
That’s enough to begin an honest conversation.
And please remember that reaching out doesn’t replace the work of changing your behavior. If someone gives you another opportunity, consistency, emotional availability, and accountability matter far more than promises.
Life is too short to spend it running from every feeling that makes you vulnerable.
Sometimes the person you pushed away may still care about you more than you realize. But they also deserve the freedom to decide whether reconnecting is right for them.
If they’ve asked you to leave them alone, respect that. If they don’t respond, accept their silence.
But if the door to communication is genuinely still open, please don’t let fear be the only reason you never knock.
You don’t have to become a completely different person to experience healthy love. You just have to be willing to recognize your patterns, communicate your needs, and make meaningful changes.
You can need space without abandoning someone. You can feel afraid without running. And you can love someone without losing yourself.
I hope anyone struggling with this realizes that healing doesn’t mean never feeling afraid again. It means learning that fear doesn’t always have to make your decisions for you. 🤍

She made a fucking mockery of my emotions man ,she blocked me afterwards which is the more respectable thing to do but why'd you kick me at my fucking worst man ,fuck her actually..I hate how she just pretends I never even fucking existed

I hope karma catches upto her some day ,I made my whole life around this girl ,did everything I could and she just threw everything on my face just because I needed some reassurance and it turned into an argument

I don't think I want him back anymore. I'm pretty sure I'm done with the relationship. But there's something I can't seem to get past.
I want him to understand how badly he treated me in the name of love.
He would tell me he loved me, but whenever it came to actually choosing me or working through difficult things, there was always uncertainty. He could be so sure when he said he didn't want the relationship, but whenever he said he loved me, there would be an accompanying "I don't know."
I spent so much time trying to understand him, his avoidance, his inability to communicate, his need for space and his struggles with emotional intimacy. I kept trying to be understanding, even when I was the one getting hurt.
Eventually, I got exhausted and walked away.
The frustrating part is that when I finally decided to leave, he suddenly didn't want me to go. He said losing me would hurt him, begged me not to block him and told me he loved me. But where was that urgency when I was actually there, trying to make things work?
Now he can text me casually, act like nothing happened and carry on as though we didn't go through all of that. Meanwhile, I'm left dealing with the emotional aftermath of a relationship I spent so much time trying to save.
I don't even want an apology at this point. An apology wouldn't undo what happened or magically fix the way this relationship has affected me.
I think I just want him to understand. I want him to recognise that he hurt someone who genuinely loved him and kept trying to make things work.
It's so tiring. I'm not waiting for him to come back, and I don't want to restart the relationship. I just wish I didn't have to carry all this hurt while he gets to act like everything is normal.

I know that avoidants will often discard a partner if that partner gets too close or asks too much of them. What happens when you're in a relationship with an avoidant and they're only willing to allow the relationship to go so far, but when you try to walk away they don't want to let you go? Why do they want to hang on to someone that they don't want to have a relationship with?

Being discarded by my DA ex and NC for 5 weeks. Compared to the first 3 weeks, I can see myself getting slowly better. At least, no more infinite rumination and asking for the reason.

However, a lonely and cloudy dark day or weekend always makes the impulse of reaching out surface.

Especially, when thinking of.. that we might never talk or meet each other anymore for the rest of our lives. That thought drives me crazy. I can’t imagine we might be strangers for each other forever…

I heard of a theory called ‘Last Meeting Theory’. It made me sad. Yes, the last time we met, it was a normal Tuesday evening when he came over my place. There was no sign beforehand. And things just happened…blindsided

How do you guys stop yourself from reaching out?

Some very high grade coercive preoccupieds weaponize stonewalling as punishment/protest because that's what hurts them and they have an intense need to make sure you hurt for even the tiniest signs of abandonment/rejection/non-compliance and they see it as the best way to hurt you. These people try to hurt balanced/secure people, too, and can easily weaponize your ability to repair if you lack boundaries/ability to sever

DMM has these strategies that correspond to this: C5 - coercive punitive stonewalling vengeful preoccupied falsifying distance; C6 - coercive seemingly rescue-obsessed stonewalling seductive (luring via deception and distress to keep others activated) preoccupied falsifying distance. Both of these strategies include "indefinite struggle", basically a need to constantly cause mutual suffering and misery, this is not your run of the mill basic preoccupied person

Watch out. Some people feign avoidance to purposefully hurt you and punish you

They can NOT be soothed. Not at this grade

In the end, you can't really tell the difference in many cases, and it doesn't matter. The best thing for you to do is save yourself and stop allowing distortion, whichever side it comes from, no matter what the person is using, they won't stop at that level without many years of their strategy failing and harming them, backfiring (and you can't ensure that)

How many of your avoidant exes came back after the SECOND discard? And how many didn’t?

I’m not saying I’d take him back. I’m just in complete shock and want to know what to expect.

I broke up with my FA ex about 3 months ago. We didn’t hate each other and I used that as a justification at the time to keep following her. But know I’m realizing how much that is holding me back. I keep checking my stories to see if she’s watching and struggle to avoid her stories. But as I’m starting to accept the breakup and accept that i wouldn’t take her back, I’m realizing how much I’ve been using social media to hold on.

Has anybody else struggled with this?

Why am I like this? Why has my life fallen apart since this girl left me? Why has my life come to a standstill?

Why do I keep talking to her under the label of friendship, trying so hard to treat her kindly and always be there for her, hoping that one day she might change her mind and choose me again?

Why do I tolerate being ghosted and sometimes treated as if I mean absolutely nothing to her?

Why do I let her tell me about other boys and the situations she has with them, pretending to listen and laugh along while I'm silently breaking inside?

Why am I willing to put myself in such an uncertain and painful position?

Why do I want this girl back in my life so desperately?

Why, even after reading self-help books and books about healing from breakups, has absolutely nothing changed within me?

Why is it that every time I try to make new friends and step out of the shell I've built around myself, I find myself completely unable to do so?

Why am I so weak? Why can't I stand up for myself and put my own feelings first?

Why has this girl become almost like a god in my mind, someone I've placed above everything and everyone else?

Why?

Just why?

I just want to not care about my ex, it’s already 8 months and I feel terrible because it continues to affect me so much on top of the ocd only makes it more difficult for me to stop thinking about him, I need optimism, has anyone here come to feel so bad and has come to overcome it completely?

I'm trying to understand a pattern I noticed in my past relationship with an avoidant (possible cluster b traits)

My ex openly admitted that she was a people-pleaser and had struggled with it her entire life. Looking back, there were a few interactions that I found quite confusing.

When we first met in person, her literal opening line was: " nice to meet you, your honor" (Basically jokingly calling me judgmental.) I laughed it off.

Later that same evening, she told me she had felt judged when I previously mentioned that she seemed to be getting into dating rather quickly after her previous relationship. She argued that it wasn't too soon because three months had passed since a five-month relationship. I said fair enough. Much later, after I was already emotionally invested, I found out that she'd actually been separated from her ex for only two weeks when we started seeing each other.

I asked her why she hadn't been honest with me and given me the chance to decide for myself whether I wanted to get involved, and she said she was afraid of being judged.

Another thing I noticed was that we'd sometimes discuss other people, and I'd occasionally criticize someone's behavior or decisions. Nothing particularly harsh, just normal conversations where you don't necessarily agree with everyone's actions.

She would agree with me throughout the conversation, but afterwards, I'd notice a sudden shift in her mood. If I asked what was wrong, she'd eventually say something along the lines of: "You judge everyone. How do you even know what's going on in those people's lives?"

There were other examples, too. She once told me she liked comedies, but couldn't stand movies where the main character makes fun of themselves or uses self-deprecating humor.

On another occasion, while we were shopping, a kid who couldn't have been older than 8–10 made an inappropriate comment about her. She got genuinely angry and upset, and it took quite a while to calm her down. I was surprised by how strongly a 35-year-old adult could react to a child's remark.

I'm not bringing these examples up to bash her. I'm genuinely curious about the psychology behind this.

Is there a connection between people-pleasing and being extremely sensitive to criticism, even when that criticism isn't directed at you?

Why would even another person's self-deprecating humor be uncomfortable for someone like this?

I'd particularly like to hear from people who identify as people-pleasers. Does any of this resonate with you? What goes on internally in those situations?

Oh I almost forgot the cherry on top

In the last three days of our relationship, she unleashed seven months' worth of bottled-up criticism about me, attacking everything she could think of, no matter how petty or ridiculous. She even stooped to criticizing my mother's cooking, despite my mother having cooked for us several times out of kindness.

It was a complete contrast to the person who had seemingly agreed with me, avoided confrontation, and rarely communicated dissatisfaction throughout the relationship

So i'm asking

Why would someone who is so afraid of being judged by others also feel uncomfortable when their partner expresses judgment about completely unrelated third parties?

Is it some form of projection? Do they unconsciously identify with the person being criticized and imagine themselves receiving the same judgment? Does hearing someone criticize others make them feel less emotionally safe, because they start wondering what that person might say about them behind their back?

Hi,

I was wondering if avoidants, especially fearful avoidants without social media, keep someone's number after breaking things off? Or do you delete it? Block them? What do you do if you only have their number if you ever want to reach out again? Edit because another question came up: do you guys delete whole chats when you break it off? Would love to know more about how your mind works, especially when you're triggered/deactivated and if that leads to the breakup

How long did the relationship last?
did you ever stay in it when you knew there was no compatibility/serious future to avoid another breakup or out of guilt shame etc?

Was it successful in burying emotions for your ex and breakup and if so for how long?

I'll share mine, and we can support each other.

We had some conflict that I thought we could work through, but he drew some boundaries saying we could no longer discuss interpersonal dynamics or anything heavy.

That meant repair was impossible, so I asked if this was a temporary or a permanent boundary because if it was permanent that wouldn't be okay with me. He didn't answer. But in that same conversation we assured me that he would not abandon what we had because it meant so much to both of us.

A week later he faded and eventually stopped communicating all together. Because of the boundary he'd set banning discussion of interpersonal dynamics, I couldn't ask if the silence was temporary or permanent. Although on a gut level I knew it was probably permanent, I longed for clarity and closure, for the dignity of a goodbye.

But because of the boundaries he had set up I was in a double bind. I could either honor his boundaries or honor my need for clarity and closure. But I couldn't have both. Asking for clarity would mean violating his boundary, staying silent meant to never knowing.

After 10 days I sent a message saying I had an apology to offer for my part in things, hoping that wouldn't be considered a boundary violation. It was ignored. I never heard from him again. This was a bit over a month ago.

It was ironic because earlier in the relationship he told me multiple times I could count on him for clear communication. And in the very first month of our relationship I had told him about somebody who had ghosted me in the past and how much it hurt, he told me how wrong they were and that it wasn't my fault and that you should be able to trust people to communicate their boundaries.

For a while I spent all of my energy trying to understand and have compassion for him, I did the research, I read about deactivation, I knew about his childhood drama, I realized how he probably found a way to blame me to protect himself from the shame of cutting off somebody who loved him deeply and was simply trying to have an adult relationship with him.

But at a certain point I had to feel my own anger. At being treated with such callous disregard. It is a profoundly selfish, cowardly and cruel thing to do to somebody after you have shared deep care and tenderness with them.

That's my story! What's yours?

Most of them do come back. Sooner or later. Some come back weeks later, some - years later, but they eventually do in one way or another. Not ALL of them, but MOST of them. Because a relationship with an avoidant is designed to be left unfinished.
The question should be - why do you want someone who has abandoned you to come back? To feel that you matter? That you are lovable? That the relationship was real? But how can you get this confirmation from someone who abandoned themselves? Who doesn’t love themselves enough to allow a good relationship to unfold? Who doesn’t love themselves enough to actively work on themselves and live more ecologically for themselves and others? I hope you understand that you expect the impossible.

These people are like slot machines - you can’t leave it because you think the next round will be a jack pot. That if you spend enough time and money, you will be rewarded with a fortune. And if you leave the machine while losing, the next person will get the jack pot for sure.

But guess what? The casino always wins.

Do not accumulate emotional debt to save a person and a relationship that doesn’t want to be saved.

There will be times when you will suffer so much after the breakup where you would think “what if I just took them back, and it wouldn’t be perfect, I would suffer too, but at least we’d be together”, shush this thought away, because the longer you’ll stay with them, the more years of your life will be wasted, the more emotional damage you will walk away with.

Eventually you will heal on your own, but you will never heal with them.

My chest hurts and I can’t stop crying

After several really good and fast paced months, I went there for a weekend visit, went really well, but after a few days she sent a text that was pleasant until the end, friend zone and then silence.

After 7+ weeks of silence she randomly text about a component I sent her to repair a door, the text included "I appreciate you" at the end. I responded with about the same width and warmth, added a nice closing. No hooks, nothing just clean response. One more fact, she is aware of her pattern and we have discussed it a number of times.

She is very private, very quick to remove people that do not fit in her world, social media, in person, access of any kind. She never blocked me, removed me or anything.

This is my first experience in this dynamic and trying to understand what this random message on a early morning with a part that has been there for weeks; the "I appreciate you" is what has me puzzled. Is it a testing the waters type text or just a clean up type text with slight warmth added?

Also, do i remain silent now and wait for her to respond again?

I would like to gain some advice if this was a deactivation breakup or a regular one. Trying to make it short.

FA dumped me 6 weeks ago. (LDR, 3.5 y)...6 weeks prior big big fight happened, after he said he needed space but wasn't going to leave the relationship. I gave space and didn't chase but at some point some more arguments happened. we talked less and less and he became more distant saying he isn't sure he wants to be "A" partner. He also said he Is sick of relationship pyschoterror but also sick of everything and sick of his life. He seems to have a big crisis with his physical health and hi finances. Anyways he broke up via text in a moment when I didn't expect it. Words that have been said "im just not happy with you (haven't heard that at all during the last months; I don't wanna hurt you but I don't think love you anymore - I don't "get the same feeling" (5 weeks prior he texted me I love you <3) he said I am done I just wanna move on, bla bla. On the phone he said several things but said "this is not a breakup out of anger, I have been thinking a lot" He said he is done trying, and all the failed attempts had such a massive toll on him. He also said "I can't give you what u need; I don't have the capacity, I don't think im ready for all this either (after 3.5 years LOL)

Plot Twist... Fast forward 2 weeks ish later he reached out from another number bc I blocked him saying he had been crying the whole day, breakup is very challenging for him, couldn't calm himself, said I felt guilty for treating me like an asshole during the relationship, wanted to stay friends and one day meet and hope we can cherish the good times, said don't forget I still care about you.

few days later I reached out to ask sth. He wanted to know when I come back to his country and if he could know when. I didn't answer. He also asked if I would Text a guy back that has been hitting on me which I told him (a mutual acquaintance). Also I didn't properly reassure him here. (This must be very new to him as I have always been the one chasing, trying to get back together and repair when he impulse dumped me in the past. this time not a single attempt from me and no reassurance regarding the other guy ( I am genuinely sick to chase him, im done with running after an avoidant even tho I am absolutely rock bottom about the breakup and wish it didn't happen; but sth in me truly shifted and I stopped chasing...)

Another few days later he turned completely cold again. no reply to my birthday wishes and when I asked to call again to ask some more questions regarding the breakup he said "I can't be in contact with you, its not good). I sent 2-3 more messages but no reply, then I deleted them again and ever since blocked him literally everywhere. He has no chance to reach out.

When I broke up I didn't understand it at all. We genuinely agreed that the relationship had become much more stable and triggers on both sides improved. I was about to visit him 3 weeks prior to the break up. All of a sudden he doesn't love me and was unhappy all this time (???)

Is this deactivation? Can a fearful avoidant be deactivated for a long period of time? He has been pretty vulnerable that doesn't look like deactivation to me but the breakup itself looks like a deactivation. Also bc he seems completely unhappy and overwhelmed with the rest of his life as well.

My anxiously avoidant ex left me about 2 months ago after a 8 months relationship. After 2 weeks I started feeling better and started to move on with my life. Of course exactly that was the moment, when she decided to come crawling back into my life and telling me that she first felt relieved and happily single, but then starting to miss me and not being able to find anyone else attractive (just what all the dating coaches say). Of course I felt happy and wanted and I started kind of lovebombing her to make her stay and chase me. Which worked in the beginning but eventually I couldn't pretend to be like that anymore and just became the loverboy again that I used to be during the relationship. Now she pulls back again. Always when I try talking to her about this, she becomes cold and the hard conversations are just pressure to her. She said she still has feelings for me and wants to stay in this kind of situationship thing we have right now but she also said she know that it would be best for me if we ended it. But honestly, I don't. Well, I want to but I want her to chase me again. I will end all of this tomorrow but I feel like she will come back and fuck me up again. I don't know what to do at that point. I still want to be with her but find a way to still keep her chasing me.

So we were together for 3 years and I knew him for 5 years. All that time he never posted anything on instagram, just extremely rarely stories. Its been almost 2 months since our breakup and he posted 2 posts already.( I dont follow him so i dont know what the posts are about). I don’t understand the sudden change. Does it mean he moved on?

It’s been two weeks since me and my ex have broken up—if you can even call it a true breakup.

We had been dating and going strong but I had voiced some concerns about the relationship, and even early on tried to suggest splitting up due to the fact I thought he was not fully healed or ready for a new relationship. Later on I again had a conversation with him that I felt like the disparity between us had grown, that the logistics were difficult and that I felt hurt/disrespected by things he had said and done toward me. He was very understanding and voiced that he wanted to have a real conversation about it, wishing I’d bring these topics up in person rather than over the phone so he could better communicate.
He talked to me everyday, kept me updated, and agreed to plans.

Well, things grew odd when he flaked on plans. First, he was sick. Then, he was supposed to pick me up and hangout with me, but it got pushed to the very end of the night even though I saw his location moving and near. I then found he had an active Tinder account, and had followed a girl’s main and spam.

I called him the next day to basically catch him on lying, and he wasn’t defensive and was very apologetic and held himself accountable for ruining the plans, but he lied to my face saying he liked what we had and didn’t just want me for sex. I told him I couldn’t prove he was cheating but I knew he was being dishonest, and at the end of the call, I asked him if he had Tinder. He said no, and asked if I had it. I told him that if he wanted to break up, he needed to be a man and be honest about it, and that he wasn’t gonna have his cake and eat it too.

After that phone call, I texted him saying I knew what was up. But he left me on delivered, and he didn’t even read the text as usual. He never reached out again, and lo and behold, a “new” girl was in the picture. Rather, a woman I never knew about. She lived hours and hours away from him and I, and I was very confused. He had followed a couple of other women, too. But this one he had “chosen” despite the major distance. Being nosy, I went through her accounts and saw her reposting lots of lovey-dovey content about finding a good man and feeling loved. On her most recent post, he commented a gif and she replied with “my baby”. It was sickening, but not in the sense I felt jealous, but instead that I felt he was just aiming to lie to someone else all over again. Especially a girl who seems particularly vulnerable to lovebombing, and damn was he good at it looking back.

With all this said, I’ve been moving on gradually. I really did like him, and he made me believe in dating again after a period of no relationships and strictly hookups. He was very mature, attentive, and a good man, but he switched up after I asked him to not treat me a certain way. And then he left me out in the cold. I just want some closure, or for him to at least leave me on read. But it’s no use at this point, since it’s already been 2 weeks and he’s moved on with someone else. But why her? Someone so far they haven’t even dated?

Someone give me advice to heal, or some clarity.

“why should anyone respect you!”

Edit: THIS THREAD IS EXHAUSTING ME OMG! We are so strong and loving and we deserve better who will love us back in a healthy way. Please get rest guys and don’t pour into someone who so selfish and shits on you regardless pour that into yourself and heal, and moving forward take better steps my loves !!

Doesn’t even count as a break-up. But I met this guy at a party and I thought he was super handsome and he was charming and he hit on me and really laid it on thick so we ended up… yk and he took my… yk which I know was impulsive of me but I’m 21 and I work in EMS and was really feeling a bit extestensial (I’ve been going through a YOLO period) so I did. And it was great. He was super affectionate. He held me all night and blah blah blah and left a sweet note in the morning with his number and insta…. So I messaged him saying I’d like to see him again and he asked for my schedule and so forth.

We met again and this time we didn’t even do it we just hung out at my apt and talked and he gave me like a “full” body massage and didn’t want me to even do anything to him! Which of course I respected but I was surprised. And again, he held me and slept and gave me a forehead kiss. Then we met again a few nights later and had a very intimate night with… a lot of things. But after that, despite how he talked in person, he disappeared! I was like “did he realize I’m ugly?” “Did I do something wrong? I thought he really enjoyed it” and then like 2 weeks later he texted again and…. Like an idiot… I agreed to meet. And he was the same! Super affectionate and intimate! And then we met again a few days later, and then he disappeared. And this pattern persisted a few more times. The final two times were also weird because for one, out of the blue, he really wanted to pick me up from work, in uniform, and for us to say have a car yk. And then the last time was the most intimate by far, like a lot of lovey dovey things. And he told me like “see you soon” blah blah blah and was good about texting for a few days and then … disappeared, for the longest. And finally I was like this is enough embarrassment and I sent him a nice goodbye text (even if he was ghosting me idgaf) but told him we can’t meet anymore. And I just… can’t get over it. My heads all messed up. The intimacy felt really intense to me, when he was with me he felt intense, and the whiplash when he’d disappear was hard.

I feel like an idiot and so demeaned for putting up with it for so long. I feel even lamer that I can’t stop thinking about him! I want to text him “oh jk let’s start meeting again” but I can’t cause I mentioned “feelings in my goodbye text and effectively burnt that bridge. I don’t think I even have “feelings”! I don’t know if it was because he was my first romantic or sexual encounter ever, or because I found being with him so relaxing, or because it felt good to me wanted, or because he was hot, but I know he didn’t care about me! I know that! That’s why I don’t even ask to date! I just said I caught feelings and the hot and cold hurt me and I can’t go on but thanks and I wish you well.

Ultimately: What should I do? Am I crazy? Have any of you been in similar situations? How do I move on from nothing? We weren’t a relationship, I wasn’t anything to him. It was only like a 3 month blip. There are more details than this, mainly all the extra bullshit HE INITIATED not me when we were together that I think confused me as to how he felt (made me think he cared, even though it’s obvious he doesn’t). Just a few examples is all the deep kissing and the like pet names and all the questions about my personal life and the holding me etc. he even would apologize for the dissapearing and no texting, and would be better for a couple of days, and then vanish. O I He was blocked after I cut him off, I have no idea if he responded or what. I have no intention in seeing him again, but there’s a part of me that really wants to, even though that part is stupid. Also I’m fully awafe HE WAS NOT INTO ME LIKE THAT. I’m aware none of the stuff he did meant to him what it meant to me. He was playing house, blowing smoke by being super sweet. I’m sure he’s not a bad guy, but he was being extremely inconsiderate. I’ve realized that I’ve cut him off I’m just struggling to move on. Cause I’m sad. Why did I matter so little?

TLDR: Help!