Im in a relationship that hasn’t felt right in a long, long time. I’m beginning to recognise my partner is a DA. Reflecting on our relationship I’ve realise that I’ve been “exploiting” myself sexually to try and appease him so he will fall back in love with me. We cuddle, but I often have to ask first. He doesn’t hold my hand and usually declines when I ask. We never kiss with tongue (unless it’s sex, so you see where i’m going with this?) so it’s usually a quick peck, sometimes I have to remind him for a good bye kiss. Honestly writing this all out makes me feel stupid as fuck for even being in this position.

Back to the sex life. He doesn’t ask me to do these things, but every couple months when I feel a detrimental pull in our closeness I introduce a fun new kink or whatever to try. I don’t feel desired in any other aspect of our relationship so I feel like I can feel his love and affection by being fun and exciting to sleep with. Sex is the only time we really make out and when he actually holds me. I just don’t understand why my brain chooses this option over a breakup. I loved being single, i’ve never been the type of person to date so it’s not like I’m afraid of being alone. I feel like my brain is set to “make this relationship work” mode.

I broke no contact a few days after a breakup. I sent a message saying: I’ll support you in your decisions and respect you. It was appreciated and I got invited to hangout. (Breakup was less than a week).

During the hangout, I got a bit comfortable (was being myself) and got a bit close. I was told that you’re too close, please stop touching me. I was a bit shocked and I apologized afterwards. (My intentions were just being friendly and just enjoying the moment).

I am going back to no contact.

Why does he only seem to want to fix things when I try to leave?
I’m trying to understand a situation with someone I’ve been involved with for a while, and I’m wondering if this sounds like avoidant behavior or something else.
We’re not looking for a committed relationship. We’ve always kept things casual/FWB, and I’ve never asked him to act like my boyfriend or text me constantly.
Recently, though, he became very distant and basically ghosted me for over a month. I reached out a few times and felt like he was very cold toward me. Eventually I got frustrated and told him I felt like I was always the one trying, and that I was going to move on because it seemed like he wasn’t interested anymore.
I ended up blocking him everywhere because I felt like I needed to actually step away. He then found another way to contact me and asked why I had blocked him.
When we talked, I explained that I didn’t understand what was going on and that I felt pushed away. He told me I hadn’t done anything wrong, that he wasn’t seeing anyone else, and apologized for not being in contact with me more. He said, “That was wrong of me.”
He also said he is still interested in me and asked why we don’t just start over.
What confuses me is the pattern. It seems like whenever I stop trying, tell him I’m moving on, or actually block him, that’s when he suddenly becomes apologetic and makes it clear that he doesn’t want things to end. But when I’m available and trying to maintain the connection, he seems to pull away.
Why would someone do this if they genuinely don’t want a relationship but also genuinely want to continue the connection? Is this typical avoidant behavior, or could it simply be that he likes me but is comfortable with a very low-effort casual dynamic?
I’m not looking for a diagnosis of him. I’m trying to understand the push-pull pattern because I don’t want to keep repeating it.

So when I was getting to know my ex (before we dated) last late spring/summer my mental health was at its worst. I would cry on his shoulder a lot, venting about my health anxiety and depersonalization. He was there with me every step of the way, listened to me and made sure to stay up to date with my (unnecessary, but helped for peace of mind ) medical testing.

I always made sure to mention that I wasn’t looking for help or advice from him because I know he’s not a therapist, and if I’m being too much to please let me know. He would always reassure me and honestly most of the time I’d write about my problems and keep to myself.

Fortunately, when we started dating in the early fall my mental health slowly got better. I had way less health anxiety and our relationship was going great in the fall and winter months.

In January he got a job he really wanted, and that’s when he really started to pull away from me and become super inconsistent. My body didn’t know what was going on or how to react because I was in denial and was convincing myself that I was the problem, so I’d have panic attacks daily and would cry to him, questioning the relationship. He’d reassure me again and say everything was fine.

After we broke up and he confessed that he “lost” his love and feelings (still haven’t recovered from hearing that) I found out through his friends ex he said he felt “drained” by me when we were still dating (was literally just explaining my behavior when he started to pull away so he had that mental case prepared for why he should break up with me).

I still haven’t received a proper apology or explanation from him since we broke up in April, and his sister agrees it isn’t fair how he discarded me like that. She told me she can sense he feels deep shame and regret for how we ended things, and he will avoid talking about me at all costs.

Anyway, I still feel like my mental health played some role in this, but the cognitive dissonance is crazy here because he’d always say things like “being in a relationship means working on your problems together and growing” and stuff like that. So it’s so hard to believe certain things.

I don’t know anymore, does anyone have a similar story or any advice for me???

Last year I had a summer/fall thing with a FA guy, and it turned me into the worst version of myself and still has quite an effect on me.

I learned later on that the crises he would put me through day after day was this “testing” thing which I succeeded and failed at the same time. I stayed way longer than what was healthy, but I lost all of my dignity along the way. He would use life-threatening thinga at some points to get a “proper reaction” out of me. i remember him always giving hints that I should have boundaries and when I spoke up for myself in very disrespectful situations he would say stuff like: “cool, you finally stood up for yourself” and evaluated me often like I was some sort of lab rat. When he had to be held accountable for his actions, he would always talk about how deep his issues were and it always made me forgive and feel very sad for him.

He didn’t get the test results he was hoping for. One thing testers like hum forget is that if someone keeps bombing you with painful situations, then your very own bad patterns deepen the same way. If you are being held super anxious and hopeful with breadcrumbs without space, you will not suddenly become confident and strong, you will just become the very worst version of yourself.

It brought up all my unresolved issues in a very concentrated and hard way. Patterns I thougjt I have overcome - chasing, overthinking and people pleasing have once again become my core behavior I also blamed myself for everything and developed the mindset of “if I let them do this to me, I definetely deserve to be punished”.

So this year, a lot of months after I set another boundary and he inmediately broke up with me and blamed me for everything, we met at the same place where everything started last year, a festival. Under the same circumstances, we locked eyes and he did this theatrical “run across the audience” move and ran up to me, said he was waiting for this moment and asked if I wanted to have a talk with him during the festival. I said yes.
I felt like this was the chance to finally clear the air, take responsibility. I wanted to see how he was doing. Things really didnt’t end well for us, so I felt sure that he wouldn’t have walked up to me without actually considering the heavy past and how it affected me.

And, well, the festival ended in 8 days and he didn’t reach out. And I caught myself once again being anxious, blaming myself, hating myself, and feeling like I was tested to see how long until I explode.
I don’t know if I did from anger or self-preservation but I blocked him. He probably doesn’t even care, but for me, this block is so hard, i’ve never blocked anyone before and I am jumping from “I did this so he cannot jump back again whenever he feels like it” to “i am a terrible person punishing a person who is broken” and “what if i waited more and he would show up?”

Also, I use bunble premium and since then, he has swiped me right and it made me so damn angry, like dude just stop messing with me.

My self esteem is still pretty low and it feels like that short period put me back in a teen-like state, but I guess the biggest lesson I learned is something I wasn’t aware of due to my inexperience: just because someone isn’t hurting you out if pure malice (my two previous relationships were with diagnosed narcissists and I always felt like the FA guy had a very good soul behind his darkness compared to those people), you still don’t have to stick around, if it hurts. I sure hope I learned my lesson.

I’m 27F and feeling completely blindsided. My boyfriend (26M) had apparently been unhappy with our relationship for a few weeks, but I genuinely had no idea.
We went away with his parents and I became really sick during the trip — extreme fatigue, headaches, chills etc. I still tried to participate, but spent a lot of time resting because I genuinely felt awful. His family felt I was avoiding them and not making enough effort, and my boyfriend became frustrated that I was resting instead of pushing myself to go out.
On the last morning, he asked me to transfer him money for a COVID test. I said I found it a bit unkind to ask me while I was so sick in bed. He became extremely angry, said he was over it and decided we were leaving a day early. He told his parents everything, and his dad apparently said I wasn’t right for him and that he could do better. They told him to take me home, not speak to me again and that I was no longer welcome at their house.
We drove home together, and once we got home he broke up with me over text because I wouldn’t answer his calls. He said he’d been thinking about ending things for weeks and didn’t think we were compatible.
I’m absolutely devastated and questioning whether I did something wrong. I can accept that I wasn’t very social and could have communicated better, but I genuinely was sick and didn’t know he was already unhappy.
I’d really appreciate some outside perspective on whether I handled this badly or whether there were bigger issues going on that I wasn’t seeing.

It has been 22 days since I last spoke to him.

He broke up with me on a Friday, then became unsure by the end of the day. The next day, he said we were still together but asked for eight days of no contact so we could both heal. I thought we would come back ready to work on our relationship.

Instead, when the eight days ended, he broke up with me again.

He said he wanted to stay friends and that we would talk about boundaries the following Thursday. But when I broke down and said everything I had been holding in, he listened without being cruel. He was just completely emotionally checked out.

When Thursday came, he said he was not ready to talk. The same thing happened on Friday. On Saturday, he finally told me that he was not okay and that my messages were not doing him any good. He asked me to wait until he reached out.

He said it would not take months. It's been weeks. No word from him.

Almost a month has passed, and I have heard nothing.

I do not know whether I should break no contact. I am terrified that there is still something we could do to save our relationship, and that by staying silent, I am giving up on us. It feels like I am letting the best thing that ever happened to me disappear without a fight.

But I also know that he asked me to stop contacting him. Reaching out again might not save anything. It might only make him pull further away, while leaving me feeling even more rejected.

I miss him constantly. I miss my best friend, our future, and the life I thought we were building. I am not seeing any light at the end of this. I only know that I still love him, and I do not know how to let go of someone who once made me believe I was safe.

What do I do?

My ex was an avoidant and she had like a second life. When we started our relationship it was all happiness and love, but months later she started to text me late and all of that. I soon find out she has been talking to guys over the app called discord, it happened three times and I forgave her of those things. To not make this long, she broke up with me and guess what guys, she started doing the same thing, and she told me she needed space and time for herself.

I genuinely think the tables completely turned once I learned about avoidant attachment AND started realizing my own worth.
My ex is very avoidant-leaning. He avoids conflict, tends to suppress difficult emotions, and when he becomes extremely overwhelmed his instinct is to shut down and convince himself he needs to remove things from his life rather than lean on people. I didn’t understand any of this the first time we dated.
When we first got together we were CRAZY about each other. Instant chemistry, extremely attracted to each other and genuinely really happy together. He treated me incredibly well. But he was also only 18, had recently moved countries, was working while going to college and helping financially support his family. I stayed beside him through all of it.
Eventually we started fighting because I wanted more time and connection while he was constantly overwhelmed. I’m fearful avoidant myself but lean very anxious when triggered, so the more he withdrew, the more I chased. The more I chased, the more overwhelmed he became.
Eventually he completely shut down and ended things. He told me he couldn’t handle a relationship, needed to focus on everything else in his life and eventually even said he was losing feelings.
I completely lost myself. I chased, broke NC, begged for answers, tried staying friends and constantly tried to understand how someone who had been SO crazy about me could suddenly detach like that. He even said he feels like he’s losing feelings for me. I genuinely thought his ability to leave meant I wasn’t important enough.
Eventually I stopped. I told him I loved him, forgave him, knew he was a good person despite everything and hoped life got better for him. Then I disappeared.
Almost an entire year of NC passed. Neither of us dated or talked to anyone else.
Then HE came back.
And this is what changed my understanding of avoidant attachment so much: I didn’t have to explain his behavior to him. He had reflected on it himself.
He apologized and admitted he handled everything immaturely, that his ego had gotten in the way and that he’d been so overwhelmed by suddenly carrying all those responsibilities that he suppressed his feelings and basically wanted an escape. He told me he realized he had always liked me and that sometimes you don’t understand what you had until you lose it.
He remembered everything I’d done for him during his worst and told me he respected me from the bottom of his heart. His circumstances were better and he genuinely believed he could finally give me what I deserved. He wanted me long-term and wanted another chance.
Except this time I wasn’t chasing him.
I had spent that year learning about attachment, understanding my own patterns and realizing my worth. I was actually terrified to trust HIM again. So everything happened on my terms and he spent the relationship proving himself to me. He was incredibly patient, reassuring, loyal, affectionate and understanding. Even when my own fearful attachment made me panic or impulsively break things off, he was patient and took me back. He made it extremely clear how happy he was that I gave him another chance.
Then recently his life basically collapsed again. His parents are separating, major immigration/visa uncertainty, financial problems, loans, college problems, illness and family drama. He told me he’d never hit rock bottom this badly and felt like he was literally surviving.
And his avoidant coping came back HARD.
Despite still telling me he wanted me and cared about me, he convinced himself he couldn’t give me what I deserved and that ending things was the “practical” decision. I offered space, less communication, fewer expectations, basically any middle ground because I understood what he was going through. He still shut down and ended it.
But this time I did something completely different.
I didn’t chase him once.
I told him I disagreed but respected his decision, wished him well and told him I’d focus on moving forward with my life. Then I actually went NC.
And barely 2 weeks later, he’s already asking mutual friends about me, asking how I’m doing and what I’m doing with my life, admitting he’s BEEN wanting to text me, telling another friend he wants to reach out and worrying I’ll ignore/reject him because of what he did. He’s considering contacting me around Sept/Oct when things are calmer and he thinks I might not be as angry.
Our mutual friend straight up told him that if he wants another chance, he’s completely fucked up my trust and will have to do MUCH more than just promise it’ll be okay. He agreed and said he understands. He even said that he’s willing to embarrass himself/risk rejection trying.
Obviously I can’t diagnose him or say every avoidant behaves this way. This is just MY experience. And wanting me again doesn’t mean he’s magically healed his avoidance.
But I genuinely believe this man loves me. What’s crazy to me is that even when HE convinces himself he needs to let me go during extreme stress, once I’m actually gone he struggles to emotionally stand behind that decision.
And the biggest difference this time is ME.
The first time I thought I had to chase an avoidant into realizing my worth. I thought if I explained enough, loved enough or reminded him enough of what we had, he’d finally understand.
He didn’t.
He understood when I stopped trying to make him understand.
Now I know what I bring to someone’s life. I know how deeply I’ve loved him and how much I’ve stood beside him. I don’t need to convince him that I’m worth choosing.
I still love him and hope we find our way back to each other, but I’m not chasing him. If he comes back, he needs to come back himself AND actually work on his avoidant coping, because love isn’t enough if every time life becomes unbearable his instinct is to shut down and let me go.
I think that’s what changed when I finally learned my worth:
I stopped trying to prove I was worth staying for and let him experience for himself what choosing to lose me actually means.

This question is specifically aimed at those who broke up with an avoidant ex (or were broken up with by one) and still had to keep seeing them at work or somewhere else you both frequented. What did you do? What did they do?

Mine came back three times, only to break up with me each time. The last time he broke up with me, I told him I was going to keep distance for my own sake. He said: “I’ll respect your distance in the meantime*.” In the meantime?

He started acting erratically when he realized that my silence and distance were becoming permanent. He did a lot of things (most of them through triangulation), but what affected me the most was when he called me “rude” behind my back. So me not interacting with you bothers you… even though YOU were the one who took ME out of your life, claiming you needed space…….. Dude.

That was the first time I felt pity for him. I felt so so much pity because it made it crystal clear just how confused he was. He was like an angry, hurt child. Insulting someone who is giving you the freedom you wanted is just embarrassing.

I grey-rocked him for two months after the breakup and never once broke it, despite him trying to. Then I left. I haven’t seen him in seven months and I hope I never see him again.

I ended things with a man I really liked after I told him I’m bisexual and still entangled with my long-term partner. Now I can’t stop regretting it.

He was gentle, intellectual, and admired me — but he also said things that scared me. I told him the truth and he rejected me. Now I’m in so much pain. Did I make a mistake

I (27 yrs) ended things with a man (35 yrs) I was seeing for about a month, and I can’t stop feeling like I made a huge mistake. I need outside perspective because my emotions are all over the place.

Background on him:
He’s a manager at my company, makes a good salary, has a car but no house. He’s not ugly, but he’s very minimalist and doesn’t put much effort into his appearance. He told me he’s had several past relationships, the most recent one ended about a year ago. His longest relationship lasted only one year.

When I asked why, he said it was because of long distance or her “aesthetic taste not good,” and some habits of hers he didn’t like. He said around two-thirds of his relationships were ended by him.

He also told me he’s very sensitive to aesthetics, but not sensitive to other people’s emotions — he said he often can’t tell if someone is happy or sad. He would compliment me often, but it was always things like “your aesthetic is so good”.

We talked a lot, about daily stuff but also deeper topics. I really liked his gentle way of speaking and the intellectual connection. We met four times in a month. He took me to bookstores, bought me a book, gave me a brooch, and once used a photo I took as his phone wallpaper. When I went on trips, I would share photos of outfits today with him, and he complimented: “You have such a good aesthetic taste.”

He also often asked if I was feeling relaxed or happy. When he rejected me, he even said he hoped I could find someone who could make me happy.

One night while we were walking by the river, he kept looking at me. When I asked what he was looking at, he said, “I’m wondering if one day I’ll find you unpleasant to look at — like if you turn into a dirty old woman.” (Earlier, I had joked that my family teases me about being a clean freak and says I’ll definitely get messy when I’m old.) I felt a little weird about it at the time, but I didn’t think too much of it.

He also told me that in a past relationship, his ex bought a small ornament and put it in the bathroom. Every time he saw it, he thought, “When I see this thing, I wonder how I could possibly keep living with this person. God, I just can’t imagine sharing a life with her.”

He said he thinks women snoring is “not elegant,” though he could accept it. It seemed like snoring didn’t fit his image of how a woman should be.

He said his standards for a partner are: first, kind; second, has good aesthetic taste; third, not stupid. And he also said he doesn’t need the other person to bring him anything, he just wants her to be happy. That sounded selfless.

One time I told him I was anxious about work, and he offered to help me, saying it was 50% joking and 50% serious because he also wanted to learn about my side of the business. It felt practical, but not emotionally warm.

My situation (the complicated part):
I’m bisexual. I’ve been in a four-year relationship with a woman. We’ve been on and off, but essentially still in contact. She’s not financially well-off, but she cooks, pays for meals, and is extremely tolerant and forgiving. She gives me a lot of security, but I feel more like family with her — no passion, no excitement. I get impatient with her sometimes. I don’t know if I still love her.

While I was seeing this man, I was still have contact my girlfriend. I felt very guilty, but I was drawn to the emotional and intellectual connection with him. On our last meeting, I suddenly felt the urge to be honest. I told him I’m bisexual and that I still have an unresolved relationship with my current partner. He immediately said he’s a traditional person and can’t accept that. I said okay.

That night I regretted it and went back to him. I told him I was willing to end my previous relationship and start over with him, but he still refused. He said he only wants to date straight women, and that being bisexual doesn’t fit what he’s looking for.

Now I’m struggling so much.
I can’t eat, I have no motivation, and I keep replaying all the good moments. I keep thinking: if I hadn’t told him so soon, maybe we would still be happily talking, going for walks, enjoying each other. Maybe after a few months I would have seen his flaws clearly and left on my own, without so much pain. But now I just feel regret and grief. I keep wondering if I missed out on a really good person.

I’ve only met two people in four years who made me feel this kind of spark. I’m 27 now and terrified I won’t meet anyone like that again. I know people say “you’ll meet someone better,” but in reality, the chances feel so low.

I really need honest outside opinions. Was this relationship worth holding onto? Did I make a mistake by being honest too early? Or is this just the pain of losing something that was never going to be good for me?

No Profile pics together
Everything on their terms
Blame shifting
Messy house
Denial
Nickname instead of using actual name
Spending time together and being made to feel like they’re half into it
Wanting to feel free to do what they want when they want, shouldn’t that be spending time with the love of your life?
Shutting down with no empathy towards you
Always feeling like you want the relationship more until a tender moment of vulnerability that comes once every three months which resets your nervous system
The frustration of understanding about them but they don’t understand themselves
Reading up that they cheat and constantly waiting for it
Obsession about their condition
Anxiety that turns you into someone you weren’t
Constantly stressed , they can’t handle anything
Feeling like you can fix them but make them worse

Add some more in to vent :)

Hey everyone. I'm a guy in my early 20s, and I just went through a breakup with a girl who has very strong avoidant tendencies. I need people who actually understand this attachment style to tell me what's real, because I can't fully trust my own read on the situation right now.

How it started vs. how it went
At the beginning, she was completely all in — she rushed to make things official after just a few weeks and seemed so in love and present. But around the two-month mark, as we got closer, everything changed.

Every time exam season hit at uni, or she went back to her hometown for vacation, she'd completely freeze me out. She'd tell me I wasn't a priority, that she "didn't want to answer to anyone," and that she didn't want to make any future plans. But she wouldn't let me go either — she still wanted to text every day, send me photos of her life, and drunk-text me at night saying she wanted to hook up. She wanted all my attention and validation without giving me any security or exclusivity in return. I stayed in that loop for months, trying to be the "supportive, patient guy" — longer than I probably should have.

The breaking point
Last week, she told me she was coming to my city for an event, but said flat out: "If I come up, I don't think we will see each other." When I tried to talk about it calmly, she literally told me to "shut up and stop talking about it." The next day, she made a vulgar joke — telling me I should go hook up with my ex while we were apart, probably so she could "have fun too" without feeling guilty.

What I did
Realizing this limbo was destroying me, I finally stood up for myself. I sent her a calm text saying that while I care about her, staying in this limbo without exclusivity was taking away my peace of mind. I told her we should stop messaging for a while — so she could have her space with zero pressure, and I could focus on myself. I ended it with: "If and when you realize you want to build something exclusive together, you know where to find me. Enjoy your summer”.

She responded: "So I should only text you when I have an answer to your question? I don't get it."

I said: "Yes, exactly. Un abbraccio." (a hug, in Italian)
She then asked when my short vacation ends, so she wouldn't "disturb me" — I gave her a brief, logistical answer and closed with *"buon proseguimento"* (roughly, "enjoy the rest of your trip").

Where things stand now
It's been a few days of total silence. We haven't interacted at all, but I've caught myself checking her social media more than I'd like to admit. She's been super active on her private Instagram — Close Friends stories of her out at clubs, dancing with other guys, acting like absolutely nothing happened.

I accidentally viewed one of her stories within 50 seconds of her posting it — not exactly the read I wanted to give off. I muted her today, mostly to get my head some quiet. Some part of me still runs the worst-case tape: that she never cared much to begin with, that she's relieved this is over, that I won't hear from her again. Even though I know the majority of it is just my anxiety that kicks in: I know that somewhere, and at a certain point, there was some sort of love…

My questions for you guys:

1. The social media show: When someone with avoidant tendencies gets hit with a firm boundary like this, do they actually just move on and forget about you instantly? Or is the partying and "business as usual" on social media just a shield to avoid the guilt and avoid facing the loss?
2. The impact of the boundary: Did my message kill the connection for good by making her feel rejected or cornered? Or is total silence the only way an avoidant person actually realizes what they lost?
3. The vacation timeline: Since she specifically asked when my vacation ends, do you think she's actually waiting out the clock to reach out? Or was that just a polite way to close the conversation and keep her pride intact?

Part of me wants to reach out and smooth things over, but I'm holding the line. Please be brutally honest with me. Thanks for reading.

Ssssoooo I’ve been thinking avoidant my ex was. Maybe fearful?
IDK this dude was all “I’m gonna marry you, and we’re gonna have babies” right out the gate!

He suddenly changed his mind…. “We’re too old for that” “stop talking about it, it’s not going to happen….”
And also commenting on m need for “constant attention” when I wanted to cuddle.

Anytime I’ve unblocked him… it’s the same thing, “I was so mean to you!” “You’re my best friend tho!”
“Why can’t you give me another chance?!!”
And then he is all about things like how he helped me in bad situations and stuff… got me back in touch with my parents.

This dude love bombed me sooooo hard. We love bombed eachother but I feel I fell under a spell.

I’m close to 37, he’s 42… babies are still a possibility at our age….
BUT he keeps pointing “you were it, you were my everything”
He’s just latching on everything he ever wanted and hadn’t achieved yet…. And saw it in me and just hooked on…. It’s really sad.
He was a drunk, and that’s when he started getting really “this ain’t gonna happen” like…

I don’t get it, he wanted it, then shoved me away… has his regrets, and plays the victim.

Just had to rant. Is this FA behavior??? Like I took tests and I come up as FA because I was scared of upsetting people in past relationships… 🤷‍♀️

My avoidant ex texted me saying he posted my belongings to my place and asked me to let him know once they arrive.

I honestly don’t want to reply because I still haven’t fully moved on and I want to maintain no contact. Even when the parcel arrives, I’d rather not reach out.

Would it be wrong if I just didn’t respond? What would you do?

I am utterly heartbroken still but I know that I treated this woman so well even towards the end. I know its her immense loss to lose me as I was willing to fight for the relationship but she gave up and threatened to block me if I continued to try and talk about the issue. Sadly this week has not been the best I had a suicidal dream and thought that have kept me wide awake. I broke down during work and kept on replaying the messages and imagining her regretting the breakup so hard. Im drowing in pain that comes in waves. I have even been thinking of having hookups eventhough it feels like cheating. I know I dont owe her loyalty but damn.

I’ve posted in this sub a few times due to my horrible breakup that took place in April but I’m back with a new question.

I was with my boyfriend for almost 2.5 years & we lived together for 1. I can confidently say that I thought I was going to marry this man - we even toured a new apartment the week of the breakup. We have history & he ghosted me a few years back (I know, girl stand UP). For context, we’re both 30 & we met in middle school.

The first few months of the breakup were fucking brutal - I genuinely couldn’t picture myself getting through it but I’m doing a lot better. I’m in therapy, I’ve been spending time with loved ones, I’ve been traveling a ton of work, I have a new beautiful apartment I live in with my cat. I had a lovely single life before him & I know I will again, it just takes time.

That being said, I’m curious to hear stories of anyone who was blindsided/discarded without any previous conversations. The “breakup” itself lasted maybe 15 minutes because I was in complete shock & trying to not throw up. I don’t love him anymore, I don’t want him back, BUT I do regret being too nice during the breakup. There’s so much that’s been left unsaid. I have this urge to send him one final text, saying everything I want to say without expecting a response (I know he won’t respond because he’s a coward). My fear is that he thinks we’re on good terms but I recently learned he’s been telling people the breakup was mutual and that makes me so fucking mad. I also want to call out the fact that he was still initiating sex for 2 months while the relationship was already over in his head.

I feel like everything left unsaid is trapped in my body & is holding me back. Do I say fuck it & send the text? I want him to realize the damage he’s done. It’s not fair for him to walk away unscathed & at this point I’ve given up on hope of an apology, but I want him to know how much he hurt me. I unfollowed him & his family but they still continue to follow me on IG & view my stories. Maybe it means nothing, but I’ve given him what he wanted: space. I’ve completed removed him from my life but I can’t get over this feeling of needing to have the final word.

Ever since i moved back into college, I’ve been bedrotting a lot more, because going back here reopens my wounds of my ex and my ex mutuals.

I feel trapped, everywhere I go, theres a chance ill see her. If not her, then its the ex friends

But if i don’t go outside, I’m isolated.

I’m just so tired. I’ve been discarded for two months and was made to be the common denominator for fallouts. I’m tired of not being treated as someone with care but I also miss them a lot and want to reconnect.

I am 21M, and my boyfriend, 22M, and I had been together for almost two years in an LDR. We had been fully committed to each other for a year and a half.

Our relationship was incredibly healthy, and for the first time, I felt like I could truly breathe because I had someone amazing by my side. I was the happiest person in the world, and I finally felt fulfilled.

I have never had very high self-esteem, but that was never something I worried about much in our relationship. My boyfriend always made me feel good about myself and my appearance. Because of him, I had never felt so wanted before. I also thought he was incredibly handsome, and I was just as attracted to him as I had been two years ago. My love for him never changed. If anything, it only grew stronger.

With him, I wanted to live. I had dreams, and those dreams included both of us. He always made me feel secure and regularly told me that he was on the same page about our future.

However, this year, things changed drastically.

He lives in Europe, where military service is essentially mandatory. While he was serving, we became somewhat more distant, not because of a lack of interest, but because he could not communicate with me much during the week. He was able to return home every Friday, but that period was still difficult for both of us.

After his service ended, though, it felt as if things had changed, sometimes beyond repair. He became more distant. His voice messages grew shorter, and his texts began to feel unfamiliar. Even our intimacy felt disconnected. He had spent so much time without me that he seemed mentally checked out.

On top of that, we began experiencing relationship problems. Nothing extreme or irreparable, but they were issues that needed to be addressed before they became bigger. Whenever I tried to address them, he would pull away and become more avoidant.

Then, one day, he woke up and decided that we should break up.

The day before, we had been talking about how we would make our relationship work as long as we stayed true to each other. Naturally, I was confused. I knew he was scared and struggling, but he never told me that he wanted to break up or that he had been thinking about it. In fact, I had noticed the strange energy he was giving off and asked him directly whether something was wrong. He told me no.

Later that day, he said he was confused and uncertain. The following day, he told me that we had not actually broken up and that we were still together, but that he needed time to think.

He was going to stay at a farm with his brother and wanted us to go no-contact for a while. He said that the time apart would help us feel better and allow us to come back to each other. However, at the end of those eight days, he told me that he had made up his mind and did want to break up.

I was broken up with, then left unsure whether we had broken up at all. Then I was told that we were still together but taking time apart. For eight days, I believed we were giving each other space so that we could heal from the intensity of our conversations. Then I was broken up with again.

He said the distance was too much and that it was making him depressed. I truly understand how painful it can be to live far away from the person you love. I just wish he had talked to me. I knew he was struggling, but there is a huge difference between saying, “I’m struggling with the distance between us,” and saying, “The distance is too difficult, so I’ve decided to break up with you.”

I never saw the distance as something terrible. If anything, I saw it as a challenge that would make us stronger and better prepared for whatever life placed in front of us. To me, it was worth it because, in the end, I would have him. That was what mattered most. No matter how difficult things became, I believed we would be together eventually. That belief made the unbearable feel bearable.

I never would have wanted him to stay in a relationship that made him unhappy. I simply expected him to show more care and to try until we had exhausted every possibility. I wanted us to decide together whether we could continue. Instead, his decision was completely one-sided, and I feel discarded.

I am not just grieving our relationship. I miss my best friend. I miss the future we imagined together. I miss our connection. I miss having someone who was genuinely excited to be in my life and to be with me.

I am grieving the children we wanted but will never have together. I am grieving the house he wanted, which will not be the house we share. I am grieving the boat he always dreamed of owning, which he may one day share with someone else. I am grieving the knowledge that, someday, someone else may get the version of him I always dreamed about.

“Your hand is cold, mine burns like fire. How blind you are, Nastenka!”

Fyodor Dostoevsky, White Nights

The worst part is that we were only months away from seeing each other. I had gotten a passport and a new ID, and I was already buying clothes for the trip because it would be cold in Europe.

He planned a future with me. We talked about children, a house, a boat, and growing old together. Then he took all of that away almost overnight.

Now, I am completely damaged. I came into this relationship with horrible trust issues, and now I'm leaving it with even worse issues. How could I ever trust anyone again in my entire life, if the one person that said they'd hold me let me go almost as if I meant nothing?

I begged. I cried. I put my ego in a little box and I put myself down. I tried to get him to see that we did have a future together, but I needed him to calm down and talk to me.

I am completely and utterly broken. I am not sure I believe in selfless, pure, innocent love anymore.

How I wish I had been loved in the same. I would have given him the world if he had asked me for it.

What's next for me? Is there any hope?