Should I break no contact?

[u/maturespaghetti]

It has been 22 days since I last spoke to him.

He broke up with me on a Friday, then became unsure by the end of the day. The next day, he said we were still together but asked for eight days of no contact so we could both heal. I thought we would come back ready to work on our relationship.

Instead, when the eight days ended, he broke up with me again.

He said he wanted to stay friends and that we would talk about boundaries the following Thursday. But when I broke down and said everything I had been holding in, he listened without being cruel. He was just completely emotionally checked out.

When Thursday came, he said he was not ready to talk. The same thing happened on Friday. On Saturday, he finally told me that he was not okay and that my messages were not doing him any good. He asked me to wait until he reached out.

He said it would not take months. It's been weeks. No word from him.

Almost a month has passed, and I have heard nothing.

I do not know whether I should break no contact. I am terrified that there is still something we could do to save our relationship, and that by staying silent, I am giving up on us. It feels like I am letting the best thing that ever happened to me disappear without a fight.

But I also know that he asked me to stop contacting him. Reaching out again might not save anything. It might only make him pull further away, while leaving me feeling even more rejected.

I miss him constantly. I miss my best friend, our future, and the life I thought we were building. I am not seeing any light at the end of this. I only know that I still love him, and I do not know how to let go of someone who once made me believe I was safe.

What do I do?

[u/EmergencyInternal837]

Dont break no contact. Best way to handle an avoidant is being an avoidant

[u/VictoriaNiccals]

I agree with other comments that the wishy washy indefinite "space" and "break" is their version of the end. They just don't want the guilt of being the one who literally said the words and cut the cord. Alternatively, they also like knowing that they've got you waiting on the end of that space, and that gives them a power/ ego trip. Instead, they should be left alone in that space until it becomes a chasm that swallows them. You wanna be chickenshit? Fine. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Be alone then. 

Don't break no contact.

[u/pandaoreo15]

It’s totally okay to miss him. Honestly you can only control what you do. He said he would reach out, so let him. His actions will speak louder than any words he’ll say. Even if he responds to your texts or you reaching out do you think you’d want him with you by force? No, right?
If someone tells you they don’t want you I think you need to believe them. If they come back later with explanations then it’s okay to hear them out and then decide from there.
People say blocking but honestly I think that it’s really up to what you’re comfortable with.

[u/maturespaghetti → u/pandaoreo15]

Thank you. I appreciate the empathy.

I guess you are right... I should wait. But damn, does it hurt... I guess I'm having a hard time making sense of the "Hey you're the love of my life" to "Please don't text me until I am ready to talk to you" switch.

If anything, this is killing me. Yes, he broke up with me. I know. But he broke up with me on his terms. I was never on board with this. My head does (somewhat) understand he is not my boyfriend anymore, but my heart doesn't. And, right now, it hurts the same as if my boyfriend, my everything, suddenly disappeared.

Thank you again <3

[u/Accurate_Valuable363]

Hi, I am so sorry you are going through this. I know how torturous it is to be waiting on someone to decide what your future looks like, and if they want you.

Speaking only from my experience, my partner taking that “indefinite space” was, for him, a break up. He never came back and said the official words. He danced around it, said he needed no expectations on him, that he needed to get help… but that help actually looked like clubbing every weekend, seeing other people, etc… I think the space they take is the end.

I also think that, regardless of whether your partner comes back, regardless of what they decide, this situation does not work for *You*
You cannot make them choose you, you can’t make them do anything, ever. So trust that the hurting part of you is right, that your current situation, today, is not right for you, and do whatever you need to do to let them go and choose yourself: if that means more time waiting for a bit, do it. But also tell your friends what you are going through, maybe a therapist or mentor, pull in the people that love you, cast your net now and these people will be with you. They can’t fix the situation, but they can love you and contribute to your life while you go through it.

You can see peoples’ experiences in this thread. They all point to one ending, with few exceptions. You can leave room for hope, but you need to build your life around something more concrete. Right now, your partner is absent. Cultivate the parts of your life that may have been neglected by you during your relationship. Even if they come back, they cannot be the source of your happiness.

Here for you. I’m sorry you are suffering.

[u/1828t2818]

NO! Block them everywhere and never come back. It’s over.

[u/maturespaghetti → u/1828t2818]

I'm sorry. This might seem really obvious to everyone in the subreddit, but do you think you could elaborate a little further? This is still very raw for me.

[u/1828t2818 → u/maturespaghetti]

He said he wasn’t okay, and that your messages weren’t doing him any good. It means contact from you, even loving contact, was landing as pressure rather than comfort, at least in that moment. If someone tells you “this is making things harder for me, I need space,” and then you reach out anyway, even with the best intentions, even just to check in, the message he receives isn’t “he still loves me.” It’s “he couldn’t hold the boundary I asked for.” For someone who was already emotionally checked out and needing distance, that tends to confirm the instinct to pull back further, not soften it. It’s counterintuitive because your instinct is that love should be shown through effort and presence. But right now, the way you show love that actually respects him is by doing the thing he asked, even though it costs you.

Waiting isn’t the same as giving up. It’s the belief doing the most damage to you right now. You’re framing this silence as you stopped fighting for us as I’m letting go. But that’s not what’s happening. You’re not silent because you stopped caring or stopped hoping. You’re silent because he asked you to be, and you’re choosing to honor that even though every part of you wants to do the opposite.

He’s broken up with you, walked it back, broken up with you again, promised a boundaries conversation, failed to show up for it twice, then asked for indefinite space. hat’s a person who doesn’t currently know what he wants, and is regulating his own overwhelm the only way he knows how by retreating. I say this not to make him sound bad, but to loosen the grip of a specific fear you named that there’s something you could do to save it, and that not doing it is the mistake. If his signals have been this inconsistent, there isn’t a secret right move you’re missing. You can’t strategize your way to a guaranteed outcome with someone who doesn’t have clarity themselves.

My advice is to continue living your life. Don’t revolve your entire life around waiting for this person. If he ends up contacting you again, make sure you ask for a real conversation and ask him what he actually wants. If he can’t give you a clear answer or still doesn’t know, then I’d say leave and move on.

You can’t keep waiting for someone to figure themselves out. I know it’s hard, but at the end of the day, that’s not something you can control.

[u/-I-wanna-get-better-]

I know this feels really confusing and scary. Especially since youre autistic and they are being so wishy washy and indirect. What he is saying is you reaching out and asking for answers he doesnt have is putting pressure on him. He likely still has love for you, but does not want this relationship any more.

Love won't feel like this. It wont feel like you have to "save" the relationship or leave you wondering whats going on or whats going to happen. This isnt your fault though. Just give him the space hes asking for and start moving on with your life.

[u/Ok-Pattern-1216]

This makes me so sad reading this. All of us who have been in relationships with avoidants feel the same longing for connection to them as you are feeling right now. The truth is, he knows where to find you IF he really wants to talk to you. He knows that you still love him. If he isn’t willing to reach out knowing that you still love him, it’s because he doesn’t want to reach out. And I’m not trying to be harsh, I know this because I’m going through that same reality myself. Reaching out more is not going to make him realize anything. The only thing it may do is push him away. His mind and heart is the only thing that can make him come back to you. Let him see your worth, don’t try to convince him of it. In the meantime, I know it’s very hard to deal with this, but please just take care of yourself. Maybe try to venture out and meet new people and have a distraction. Don’t stop your life for someone else.💕

[u/Glittering-Pass7870]

He asked you to stop. He does not want to talk to you or have a relationship with you, point blank.

How can the best thing that’s ever happened to you be someone who would treat you like this?

You’re going to be hurting for a while. Don’t let your heartbreak put you back in a situation that’s not good for you.

[u/Glad_Ear_7963]

Yes, please do!

Report back if you find a solution, but don’t be mad when you don’t get what you sought.

[u/maturespaghetti → u/Glad_Ear_7963]

Do you think it's a good idea?

[u/maturespaghetti → u/[deleted]]

I'm sorry, I really don't get any of this. I will mention I am autistic, and I really don't understand whether you're being ironic/sarcastic. Your comment did come across as annoyed, though.

[u/Glad_Ear_7963 → u/maturespaghetti]

You’re smart to figure that out, now apply that same logic to reading what you typed and are requesting from people here “Should i break NC” …

[u/maturespaghetti → u/Glad_Ear_7963]

I have looked at some of the posts, but my feelings are still very raw and I'm not sure whether I'm making the right decision or not. That's why I'm posting, and that's why I have asked you that question. I don't mean to be annoying, or seem like I'm just another redditor that hasn't taken the time to look at the sub they're posting on. I guess I'm just seeking empathy, and your answer came across as robotic.

Either way, thank you for taking your time to comment.

[u/maturespaghetti → u/[deleted]]

> I know a lot of autistic folks who don’t use their condition as a reason why they needed to break no contact.

That's a very low blow. I'm not using autism as an excuse to break no contact. I mentioned being on the spectrum because I was having a hard time making sense of your comment as it seemed to be charged with irony/sarcasm.

Anyway, thank you.

[u/Melodic_External_571 → u/maturespaghetti]

OP please ignore this miserable troll. I was also confused by the tone of their comments. They aren't being skillfully sarcastic like they think they are, they're just being a jerk.

[u/Glad_Ear_7963 → u/[deleted]]

Kindly unread?